Male half of Bi Fem couple

I’m just here to chat and I am married to stands, amazing lady and someone I'm proud to call my wife, soul mate and best friend.

We live in Royston Vasey (The Village of the Damned) in the Republic of Manchester in the UN patrolled 'No Firing' zone. It could do with a little bit of chlorine added to the gene pool in all honesty.
I used to live in the SAS (St Annes, Sneinton) Nottingham (twinned with Kabul, Basra and Sarajevo) but moved to Manchester via Northern Ireland, Iraq and Bosnia for a quiet life.
Our neighbour thinks I'm a bit of a looker but if she leaves her curtains open what does she expect?
One of the twins in our town killed her sister by mistake when she attempted suicide.
My mates are Drew Peacock, Alf Hooker, Mike Hunt, Isaac Cox, Ivor Biggun and Hugh Janus

About me:
I phoned one of those accident claim helplines. I shat my pants after 18 pints of Boddingtons but they said it didn't qualify. It's not like I did it on purpose!
I’m a Canadian citizen so please explain carefully if you invite me to go clubbing. I know how cute you all find seal pups.
I put on a new pair of underwear everyday (well.....new to me)
I like cats so if anyone wants to swap recipes please contact me.
I normally wake up after my first steaming hot black coffee....I've tried other enemas but that's my favourite.
I can also multi-task and have been known to read Harry Potter whilst taking a dump, breathing and blinking all at the same time!
Why am I surrounded with smiling men every time I ask someone in the local gay bar if I can push their stool in?
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. It's dead boring and eventually some rotten c*nt splits on you.
I saw a lad I was at school with the other day....we used to run up behind him and yank his pants up in a wedgey so I did it for old times sake. Then I thought..."Hang on...if I've grown taller and older over the past 30 years surely he would too?" His Dad wasn't best pleased.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize and I wear short sleeved shirts to support the right to bare arms.
My interests are releasing CD's (last one was bail set at £50,000 but he was grateful), helping old ladies across the road when they've only just crossed (they hate it). I also like to visit Amnesty International's website cos there's always something free on offer. They were the ones that did the Free Nelson Mandela. I bought lots of petrol but never got a free one. I did however get a tartan travel rug and a crystal decanter and a multi tool with a flash light on it.
I dance like Napoleon Dynamite dancing to Canned Heat in the film or someone struck by lightening
I don't go dogging but have been known to spank the monkey outdoors. I am banned from West Midlands Safari Park as a result and the Rhesus Monkey is having twice weekly counselling sessions with Rolf Harris.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

I'm searching for answers to certain questions:
For all you Veggies.....If God didn't mean us to eat animals why did he make them out of food? And for all those health freaks that spend £1 on bottled water…..do you know what Evian is spelt backwards?
Why don't you don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older? Things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
Why do people hop when they've trodden in dog shit like they're trying to protect it from being squashed?

My fantasy women are stands, Katie Meluha, Nigella Lawson (food porn) and Melanie Sykes (D'ya wanna flake in that love?).
Say Hi in chat.....I will say Hi back cos my Mum never told me not to talk to strangers.