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Public play etiquette
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We know there are several threads on the subject, but we couldn’t find one that specifically addressed our question.
Previously at clubs we have chatted to people and, if there’s a connection, invited them to play in a private room. We then discuss consent, our limits and have fun.
Yesterday, at Kestrels, we decided to play in public for the first time. We went to the cinema and obviously we knew that we would attract an audience, after all that’s the point isn’t it?
Deep into the action a guy touched K’s arm, it was very light, non threatening and the moment she pulled her arm away he withdrew.
We finished our action and wandered off. On reflection we wondered, in public playing, whether or not touching is an acceptable substitute for asking? We had previously spoken to the guy, not in an invitational way though, and when we later spoke to another guy he said that touching can be used as a sign of interest.
We want to stress that this was in no way an issue, it was just unexpected and K was startled. It threw her off focus for a short while. We spoke to the guy afterwards, not about this specifically, and he was lovely.
The thing is if he’d asked, as we were expecting, he would have been invited to play for sure.
We don’t want to be in a position where when we play in public there’s an open invitation, K absolutely has sole control over who she allows in, but we would like it known that we’re open to being asked. How does that work? |
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In my opinion, any unwanted/uninvited touching is wrong. I go to swingers clubs for my own enjoyment, not to be treated as a sex object by anyone who believes that, just because I am in a swingers club, I am "fair game" and would fuck anyone. What happened to the old-fashioned "hi" or "hello"? Did people (men mostly) suddenly lost the ability to talk and ask for consent?
Nobody should go to a swingers clubs thinking they need to be ready for some unwanted touching (even if it is "light, non-threatening" one). We all have right to our personal space, even in a swingers club, and to choose who we want to touch us. |
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By *eordiesCouple
over a year ago
newcastle |
Some people will touch the arm of the female of the couple to silently "ask" if touching is ok ? If the one being touched moves the hand away then the answer is no, if hand is not moved away then the hand may wander further.
Or at least that is what we have encountered in open rooms at clubs.
Obviously if an arrangement has been made verbally beforehand then that is good as well. |
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By *nlyfun3Woman
over a year ago
NEAR Berkhamsted,Herts |
I've been touched like this b4 and a cold uninvited hand isn't welcome it takes me away from the enjoyment I was getting.
I was talking to a friend about touch approach the other day and he'd attended a club in Holland and was surprised that the touch approach is what they do there. Maybe it is accepted in some places. Not by me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Touching without invitation is never acceptable. We like to play in public at a club rather than in a room. Only once have we had a problem and that didn’t end well. 99% are respectful but you do get the odd one. |
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Unless you invite them to join in, then touching with out asking is a no no.
When I play with someone, I always ask before I start touching, it’s manners and it’s about giving consent and individuals keeping control of what’s going on |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hasn't happened with us but if you are in the middle of having fun do you really want someone to ask "excuse me" or is a simple touch of the back of the hand, wrist or forearm okay? I'm with the OP and have no idea what the etiquette is here. We'd be okay with the touch and if acknowledged then that's an invite to play though we can easily see how some may try to push this custom further than is reasonable. |
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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago
hiding from cock pics. |
If you are really in the moment and possibly have your eyes closed, you might not realise that someone else is touching you and then I think it could become a real problem as they will not know you are not interested and you will not realise that someone else has joined in unless you have your eyes open and are fully aware, rather than relaxing and dissolving into your scene.
This is the reason why I don't feel a touch of that nature is appropriate. |
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There is also a flip to that coin, some females don’t want you to engage in conversation, but enjoy the slow and gentle touch. To engage in conversation ruins the fantasy for them, of being seduced.
It’s a very tricky line to tread, and one people need to be very mindful off.
Never just grab, or touch boobs, bum, vagina, or cock if your a lady. However, is a brush of the arm or thigh no more than this, really sexual abuse?
Iv been touched in such a way by many females, and while it may surprise most, I don’t Simply “play” with someone because they’re female. Personally I need connection, both physically and mentally. So I kindly decline their invitation.
But I do think (through experience) that some females. / couples prefer a non sexual advance touch as a method of expressing an interest. A nod or shake of the head or a simple “no thank you” can see this continue or stop.
For this reason, I think clubs should encourage bands on wrists. Let’s people know without discussion what your interests are.
Also should a couple or more be engaging in any type of activity, one should seek verification to join, by a nod or invitation. But again, I have seen and been party to, a couple who didn’t want to chat. Simply smiled, and reached out for my hand.
Club activities can be quite difficult to navigate, always go with the mind set of simply enjoying being there. Never expect anything and yes, try to engage in conversation - even with out the thought of leading it to sex. Should something happen and everyone’s happy for it to be, then great.
I’d personally simply chat to people, without expectations. Even with those that I’d like more to occur…..  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Interesting.
We didn’t know about the “silent ask” of a touch in the arm.
Dora has been touched uninvited before and it puts her off.
Not at all sure that the guys prepared to touch know this apparent “rule” though. |
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Thank you all for your contributions.
Whilst It does seem that the majority view is the request should be verbal, there is also support for a light touch or even eye contact as a question and response.
Thanks to you we are now more aware that there are differences in well intentioned approaches, and we’ll just have to be clear as to how we respond. |
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If a couple is playing in an open area of a club I usually find it's up to the male half of the couple to set the boundaries. A quick comment, nod yes or no is usually enough to know if I'm allowed to touch, join in or just watch. |
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If your in the middle of some action I can see how someone saying 'excuse me do you need an extra' could be awkward
Being in your eyeliner to catch your attention would be my preferred way of someone trying to get involved but a tap on either of our arms would also work, providing it was in no way sexual ie a slow strike I wouldn't be offended by the interruption |
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"If a couple is playing in an open area of a club I usually find it's up to the male half of the couple to set the boundaries. A quick comment, nod yes or no is usually enough to know if I'm allowed to touch, join in or just watch. "
This is how we are in clubs. Admittedly it's been a long time since we were at one but we always discussed beforehand what Milf wants and her boundaries on that visit. If we were playing in an open area then we understood that others would either show their interest by a light touch or a comment, that's perfectly acceptable to us. If her boundaries were crossed then she made it clear that whatever it is that was happening isn't going to continue.
We accept that there is no fixed rules so we just used to go with the flow and have fun |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it's about reading the situation. Normally one of the couple has there eyes open so you can make eye contact or gesture in some way. You don't always have to speak. If the couple are so engrossed in eachother that you can't do this then its probably the wrong moment to approach them.
I think men should follow the principal that it's better to miss out on an opportunity then touch someone without being sure they want you to. |
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"If a couple is playing in an open area of a club I usually find it's up to the male half of the couple to set the boundaries. A quick comment, nod yes or no is usually enough to know if I'm allowed to touch, join in or just watch. "
That’s an interesting view. In a private area where K has already agreed to others joining and, therefore given her consent, H may very well direct the action or give verbal encouragement, but in a public area he would never invite anyone to play without K’s agreement to that individual.
That very issue is discussed before we start. On this occasion H didn’t realise K had been touched as described so said ‘there’s a man standing behind you, masturbating’ expecting her to say ‘then he can join’ or just reach out to him. When she didn’t, it wasn’t his place to give the other guy consent.
Had he realised he may have said ‘please don’t touch without asking’ and then reacted to how that was received.
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By *HaRiFMan
over a year ago
Beyond the shadows. |
The etiquette is to ask verbally. Touching or Light touching anywhere is not a substitute for asking. The only situation where there might be an exception is if the couple playing has indicated in someway that it's ok to join in. |
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I was touch the other day,without being asked.and it kind of put me off,the fact they where talking to me they could have asked first and I wouldn't have felt bad.
Then another grab me and asked me to dance,the fact I was grabbed that really did it for me.
It's lucky for him I didn't hit out as I do kickboxing.
But just coz I go to a club doesn't mean u can just touch or grab what u want.im not there to feel like a piece of fresh meat.
I do and speak for myself and will tell u to back off.dont always like it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I personally find a touch on the arm OK. However a guy grabbed my boob one time. He withdrew as soon as I said no but it affected the person I was with so we moved to a couples only area.
Whilst I it didn't massively bother me I do think touching my arm would have been a better place.
Asking over touch is always preferable but it rarely happens. I'm touched frequently when it comes to guys showing their attention.
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By *redy81Man
over a year ago
London |
I think looking at uninvited (even gentle and only the arm) touches as a valid alternative to asking is wrong in many ways. First, if it happens in a public area and it works for one guy, just look what will happen a minute after... All of the wanking dead will take it as a huge green light and your arm is not long enough to give a "surface" for all of those touches... Wondering hands will land on your boobs and pussy in a fraction of a minute...
Though disturbing a couple in action with an "excuse me, would you mind if I join?" is not only bloody awkward but also can be offputting for the couple.
I think the only way that should be tolerated is if the guy can catch eye contact with the girl. Unless the man is totally dumb he can ask that question with his eyes too, so she will have the chance to make it clear whether she is interested or not. That's what I do on the rare occasions when I try to join a couple already in action, but I much prefer to find a way to engage in a chat in the social area if I fancy someone.
Someone mentioned that "ask the male if it's okay" thing, which is also totally wrong IMO. While of course I always approach a couple as two and never overlook or ignore the guy, but none of the women is the dog of their partners, so I won't ask the man's permission to "pet" her... Each couple should set their boundaries before the party and the girl should only do whatever her partner feels comfortable with. But it's a matter of respect and trust between the two of them and not my business, so while I will always be respectful and talk to both of them if it comes to asking for consent, I will ask the person I want to sexually engage with - and she is the girl. |
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"…….. but none of the women is the dog of their partners, so I won't ask the man's permission to "pet" her... Each couple should set their boundaries before the party and the girl should only do whatever her partner feels comfortable with."
You seem to give two conflicting statements. You’re absolutely right, the woman is not the pet of the man and we always have our boundaries set before we start, but you’re wrong when you say she should only do what her partner’s comfortable with.
She does what she’s comfortable with, it’s not his prerogative to dictate what that should be.
In our relationship there are a couple of things that K does with H that she doesn’t do with other guys, and part of our buzz is that, whatever happens at the club, we’re going home together.
But if K decided that she wanted to do one of those ‘special things’ with a guy in a club then it’s her choice and nothing to do with H. |
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Perhaps another viewpoint…
We’ve played publicly many times at clubs and several times the play has stopped or faltered due to peoples approaches.
On one occasion, the rather loud and pushy couple decide to try and start a conversation from the sidelines when we were playing with a third and when she was ignored just became louder.
Completely ruined the flow of the evening as B was offended by one of the things said to us.
In our opinion the best approach is to wait to be invited to join. If a couple playing publicly want someone to join them, let them catch your eye or invite you, rather than assuming your attention is needed.
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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago
Durham |
Move into her line of vision. Say “may I?” Get a smile. Profit. (Hopefully)
I won’t go to clubs that don’t have rules about verbal requests. It’s setting their members, particularly the single men, up for failure with unclear expectations. I know a lot of the older generation think that women prefer ambiguity, but certainly for me, it’s not the case. And do you really want to play with someone where you’re not sure what they want? |
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By *redy81Man
over a year ago
London |
"You seem to give two conflicting statements. You’re absolutely right, the woman is not the pet of the man and we always have our boundaries set before we start, but you’re wrong when you say she should only do what her partner’s comfortable with.
She does what she’s comfortable with, it’s not his prerogative to dictate what that should be.
In our relationship there are a couple of things that K does with H that she doesn’t do with other guys, and part of our buzz is that, whatever happens at the club, we’re going home together.
But if K decided that she wanted to do one of those ‘special things’ with a guy in a club then it’s her choice and nothing to do with H. "
I think we are talking about the same thing. As I said, couples should know each other and agree between themselves about the "rules" and boundaries. First, it should be a two-way thing, not only the man's prerogative to dictate what she should do or not. If I know that my partner is not comfortable with something if I do that with another girl, I will not do that, coz she is my #1 preference and making sure she feels comfortable and enjoys the night is the most important for me. And it should work the other way too.
One simple example: I don't want to kiss a girl if someone previously has cum in her mouth. That's it, this is one of my boundaries. If I have a partner I go to a club together, she will know it and won't allow other guys to do that. Not because I dictated to it for her, but because she also wants me to feel good and enjoy the night. But I would not require other guys to ask my permission or would not blame other men if my partner encourages them to cum in her mouth.
If she really wants it (I have only FWBs so no real-life partner), we can discuss it up front, and I will tell her to do it, no worries, but no more kissing between us during the night. So she can choose which is more important to her, cum in the mouth or getting romantic and kissing with me later. Or she can bring a toothbrush and paste, haha.... 
And that's it, we agreed on our boundaries and mutually respected each other choices. |
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