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Terrible jokes
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Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer.
The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh.
"Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!  |
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Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, one says, "Who is it?" followed by a man's voice saying, "Blind man." Figuring the man wouldn't see anything, they open the door. The man walks in and says, "Nice tits ladies. Now, where do you want me to install these blinds?" |
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"Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer.
The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh.
"Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons! "
100 grapes up his ass and he feels bad? Where's his sense of adventure |
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By *s LollyWoman 18 weeks ago
The pub then supermacs ... |
"Me and my friend were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography. Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.  "
neighbour out mowing the law the two boys had the window open and one asked the other Doyouthinkhesaurus |
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By *rRiosMan 18 weeks ago
Dublin |
"Me and my friend were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography. Unfortunately, my mothersaurus. neighbour out mowing the law the two boys had the window open and one asked the other Doyouthinkhesaurus "
Maybe we need to start a new thread for dinosaur related jokes? I think it might be huge, a Threadasurus? 
Sorry  |
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I have to call a halt to this thread. I asked for your terrible jokes and I'm getting bangers after bangers. If I read these to the rest of the nursing home I'll have a few deaths on my conscience. |
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Oscar Pistorius is out of prison on parole. can't help but feel a bit sorry for him. After all, he isn't the only bloke who ever woke up legless in the early hours of Valentine's Day and then shot into his girlfriend's face while imagining she's someone else |
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"Oscar Pistorius is out of prison on parole. can't help but feel a bit sorry for him. After all, he isn't the only bloke who ever woke up legless in the early hours of Valentine's Day and then shot into his girlfriend's face while imagining she's someone else"
Fabswingers, please! Don't let this be the last post of this thread  |
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I'd you Google "lost medieval servant boy"
The result is "This page can't be found"
I'm the youngest of three. Both of my parents are older.
My grandfather always used to say, fight fire with fire...which is how he lost his job with the fire brigade. |
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By *rRiosMan 16 weeks ago
Dublin |
"Koala bears aren't really bears.....
They don't have the right koalifications"
reminds a little of: Why does the Swedish Navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.
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In Australian voice
Man a, My Sheila got stung on the pussy mate it’s swollen up tight and she won’t have sex with me
Man b, bummer mate 
Man c, cheers mate that’s a bonza idea, I didn’t think of that |
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By *og-ManMan 3 weeks ago
somewhere |
A d*unk staggers into the pub and orders whiskey.
"No," says the bartender. "You're already d*unk, and you stiffed me for your tab last time you were here. Leave or I call the police.'
"Wait," slurs the d*unk. "If you'll give me a couple drinks, I'll get up on the bar and fart 'Danny Boy' for you."
Before the bartender can say no, a howl of agreement goes up from the others sitting at their stools. One even offers to cover the D*unkard's' previous tab.
"OK", grumbles the barkeep. He pours 2 whiskeys, and the d*unk slowly drinks them down.
"Up on the bar. let's hear 'Danny Boy'."
The d*unk climbs up onto the bar top, with the help of the bartender himself.
He stands, drops his pants, bends over and "PTTTHHH" out drops a load of s**t, covering the bar, stools, and the d*unk's own legs.
"WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING?!!" screams the barman as he jumps backwards.
"Hey," replies the d*unk. "Even Sinatra had to clear his throat."
???? |
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*These are jokes- meant in a lighthearted entertaining way only. *
What do you call a gay dinosaur-
mega- sore-ass.
What’s the leading cause of death in lesbians- hairballs.
I was so ugly when I was born - my mother put down newspapers on the floor.
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What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They both get close enough to smell the goods, but if they eat it they'll be in trouble.
What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip.
Guys beat it like they hate it  |
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"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she passionately yelled at me, "I'm so wet, I'm soaking, give it to me now!", as she wildly grabbed at me.
It was obvious she wanted it right there and now, but she could scream and yell all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella,... |
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""Give it to me! Give it to me!" she passionately yelled at me, "I'm so wet, I'm soaking, give it to me now!", as she wildly grabbed at me.
It was obvious she wanted it right there and now, but she could scream and yell all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella,...
See above "
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""Give it to me! Give it to me!" she passionately yelled at me, "I'm so wet, I'm soaking, give it to me now!", as she wildly grabbed at me.
It was obvious she wanted it right there and now, but she could scream and yell all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella,...
See above "
Oooops, didn't spot that  |
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"Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst." |
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An old neighbour of mine was on his way home one evening when he came across a garda checkpoint.
He rolled down the window and the guard asked him where he was coming from. He said to the guard I'm coming from a quakers wake it was a strange e_perience.
So the guard ask why what's the difference with that compared with a normal wake.
So the replied they cut his cock off and nail it over the door and everyone entering must give it 5 hard tugs.
Jesus said the guard what do they do next?
So he replied then when its roughly 5ft 10 they send it to Templemore and put a uniform on it..
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I was driving my car through some rough weather in the country and was taking a route that went over a mountain pass. I was stopped by a policeman who advised me not to travel that way in this weather. I insisted that I am competent enough.
Then is said, “but what happens if you encounter Mister Fog?”. Condescending twat! So I said “well, if I encounter Mister Fog, I shall put Mister Foot on Mister Brake and slow down Mister Car!”
He looked at me and said, “I said ‘mist or fog’, you deaf prick!!!” |
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So I was fucking this Brazilian chick, and as things got steamy she started shouting "hoyo equivocado! hoyo equivocado!". I thought "I'm so going to use that, it will make me look like I know Spanish".
So the next day, I was playing golf with my Spanish buddy and I managed a birdie on the 5th. So I shouted "hoyo equivocado!"...and he said "what do you mean "wrong hole"? |
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"So I was fucking this Brazilian chick, and as things got steamy she started shouting "hoyo equivocado! hoyo equivocado!". I thought "I'm so going to use that, it will make me look like I know Spanish".
So the next day, I was playing golf with my Spanish buddy and I managed a birdie on the 5th. So I shouted "hoyo equivocado!"...and he said "what do you mean "wrong hole"?"
Brazilians speak Portuguese though... |
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By *og-ManMan 3 weeks ago
somewhere |
Two guys in a pub.
One says - The wife is nagging me to mow the lawn
Other says - I cut mine this morning. The wife is delighted with me
First guy - Ah, but you have a ride on
Second guy - I do now! |
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Stephen Hawking's very last words:
https://youtu.be/Gb2jGy76v0Y?si=0rnOnxWeebqsRzxJ
