FabSwingers.com > Forums > Ireland > Tell a joke

Tell a joke

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Cheer up the place a bit

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By *adylover321Man over a year ago

navan

What star do travelers follow

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Blind man walking by a fish shop says "Hows the girls "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My laptop was down for two hours yesterday so I couldn't access my Facebook.

It was terrible....

I had to call random people from the phone book and tell them what I had for my dinner!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Twenty years after the chernoble accident, am i the only one dissapointed we have no superheroes

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By *arry and AnnCouple over a year ago

Louth

A priest, vicar and a rabbi walk into a bar..

Bartender looks them up and down and says "what is this, some sort of joke?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Husband: “Call ambulance, fast! I think I’m having a heart attack...”

Wife: ( Takes his mobile ) “Quick! Tell me the password !”

Husband: ...............

“It's ok, I’m feeling better now!”

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By *igBlondeDommeWoman over a year ago

middle of nowhere

Why can you never trust an atom??

Because the make up everything.

I'll get my coat.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's white and slides across the floor..........

Cum dancing

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I accidentally ate all the letters from the game of scrabble... Now I'm worried my next poo could spell disaster..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.

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By *ouble Trouble 1000Couple over a year ago

ireland

Have you the Christmas tree up yet ?,Yes it's UP, in the fooking attic where it belongs for the next few weeks !!,I ll get my coat

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a lesbian driving a Ford transit full of dildos?

Dick Van Dyke

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By *usyatminMan over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

[Removed by poster at 27/11/18 14:18:04]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Stephen Hawking had his last date for a few weeks before he died. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently she stood him up

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By *usyatminMan over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who can play the piano?..........:

Clever Dick.

I’m here all week.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My laptop was down for two hours yesterday so I couldn't access my Facebook.

It was terrible....

I had to call random people from the phone book and tell them what I had for my dinner!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive."

Bahahaha

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Paddy runs into the pub and shouts "Mick, some cunts just stole your car"

Mick says "Did you see who did it??"

Paddy replies "No, but I got the registration number".

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.....

A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la.

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By *ofistimacatedMan over a year ago

cavan town

"What star do travelers follow "
gotta be joe dolan or our daniel lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.....

(Wait for it)....

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity!

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By *arry and AnnCouple over a year ago

Louth

Im really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I dont know y..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over them and say 7 up is Lemonade.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a quid in.

It’s currently half empty...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing cause they're both stuck up cunts

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it.

It was a shitzu.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Last night, I kept dreaming that I had written Lord of the Rings. The boyfriend said I'd been Tolkien in my sleep

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Halloumi

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.

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By *ndrew1972Man over a year ago

Roscrea

Bahir, a young Muslim boy was doing terribly bad a Maths in school. His parents tried everything, extra tuition, rewards if his improved they even moved house to be able to put him in a better school but nothing worked.

Eventually as a last effort the tried to get him into the local Catholic school. After much discussions & persuasion he was eventually accepted.

The first day he came home he went straight upstairs to his room to study, came back down for dinner & back up to his room again. This went on for several weeks. Finally the end of term came and he came home, handed his parents his report card and went up to his room. When they opened it they were stunned, a B in Maths.

Overjoyed they called him down "Baahir, this is wonderful, what did it? Was it the teachers?" "No" Baahir replied. "Well was it the books they used" again he replied "No"

"There must have been something" they said.

"Well" he replied "When I walked in and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't gonna fuck around"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

what floats and says quick ?? a South African DUCK

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a condom full of money?

Johnny Cash

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By *weet threesome wifeCouple over a year ago

Kilrea

Man goes to the doctors says, doctor my girlfriend's pregnant! we've always use protection I've always used a rubber and it is never ever broke how can this be possible!

Doctor said let me tell you a story, there was a hunter who always carried his shotgun, 1 day when he went out he took his umbrella instead, suddenly a lion jumped out in front of him, using what I had he lifted up his umbrella to his shoulder and shout it bang the lion drop dead!!!

The man said nonsense that coouldn't have happened someone else must have shot it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks.

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By *P_80Man over a year ago

Waterford

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

For drizzle.

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By *P_80Man over a year ago

Waterford

Two soldiers caught in a blast.

One soldier cries out' "I've lost my legs, I've lost my legs."

The other soldier says, "It's ok, they're over here."

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By *elfastblondMan over a year ago

Belfast

I don't know about the rest of you, but there earth's rotation really makes my day

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By *ublinerrrMan over a year ago

Dublin

How do you make an apple cry?

Kick it in the pips

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Paddy and Mick need a good drink but only have 50c between them. Paddy has an idea he takes the cash to the butchers and buys a sausage. They enter the first bar and order 2 pints of Guiness and down them in one. When the barman asks for payment, Paddy puts the sausage into his fly and Mick sucks it!!! The barman goes mental and kicks them both out!!!

By the tenth pub the pair are d*unk and Mick says "I cant do this anymore my knees have gone" Paddy replies "YOUR KNEES!!! I lost the fucking sausage in the second pub!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A Garda knocked on my door yesterday.

"Where were you between 4 and 6?" He demanded.

"Fucking primary school!" I replied.

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By *elfastblondMan over a year ago

Belfast

Paddy and Mick are on a flight, Paddy turns to Mick and asks

"Mick, if the plane turns upside down, would we fall out?"

Mick replies "of course not Paddy, we've been mates for years"

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By *elfastblondMan over a year ago

Belfast

Why did the apple cross the road? Do get away from the peelers

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I once tried to buy a house on an old Indian reservation.

When I asked if it came with running water, he told me to fuck off and find my own wife!

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By *adylover321Man over a year ago

navan

Joe Dolan

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By *ouble Trouble 1000Couple over a year ago

ireland

"I once tried to buy a house on an old Indian reservation.

When I asked if it came with running water, he told me to fuck off and find my own wife!

I take it he wasn't a swinger then

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"One day a Madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5000.00 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are guaranteed: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer."

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By *ka ..Agent k ..Man over a year ago

Tip Hackballscross..Monaghan..

No woman should ever have kids after 40!

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By *ka ..Agent k ..Man over a year ago

Tip Hackballscross..Monaghan..

"No woman should ever have kids after 40!

To be fair 40 is more than enough

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I had a surprise bukkake party for my wife last night.

Everyone came. You should've seen her face!

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By *asparMan over a year ago

Dublins fair city

What s the difference between In-laws and outlaws?

Out-laws are wanted

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I know a girl who has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh...

If I put my ear to it I can smell the sea.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.....

Until she checked the freezer!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you hear about the obese, alcoholic transvestight.....

He liked to eat, drink and be Mary

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By *P_80Man over a year ago

Waterford

Why do men become more intelligent during sex?

Because they're plugged into a fuckin' know it all.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Hahaha

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What does a 7 course meal consist of ?

A sixpack and a potato

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By *usyatminMan over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

Not a joke as such, but an interesting fact if you say the word ‘gullible’ repeatedly over and over getting quicker each time it sounds like the word ‘oranges’.

Listen out and then give it some thought.

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By *usyatminMan over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

Johnny walks into the doctors completely naked except being entirely wrapped in cling film. After a while in the waiting room the receptionist says the doctor will see you now.

Johnny walks into the doctors consultation room whereby the doctor first words were .... ‘well Johnny I can clearly see your nuts!’

Exit stage left.....

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By *igBlondeDommeWoman over a year ago

middle of nowhere

A redhead tells her Blonde friend ... I've slept with a Brazilian.

The Blonde replies... You absolute slut. How many is a Brazilian??.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Who's the coolest person in the hospital?

The ultra-sound guy.

And who's the soundest when he's not there?

The hip replacement guy

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By *P_80Man over a year ago

Waterford

"Johnny walks into the doctors completely naked except being entirely wrapped in cling film. After a while in the waiting room the receptionist says the doctor will see you now.

Johnny walks into the doctors consultation room whereby the doctor first words were .... ‘well Johnny I can clearly see your nuts!’

Exit stage left....."

Haha. That reminds me of the man who walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs.

The bar man asks, "Do you know you have a steering wheel between your legs?"

The man replies, "Yeah, it's driving me nuts."

Quick exit after you

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By *eracityMan over a year ago

the big smoke

There guys walk up to the gates of heaven expecting entry but Saint Peter tells them heaven is getting a big overcrowded so the rules have changed. Now you must have led a good life and died a horrible death. One by one he listens to their story.

Saint Peter “so what happened to you?”

1st guy “well for the last while I suspected my wife of having an affair so today I finished with early and went home. When I got there she was on the kitchen table naked”

SP “ so......”

1st “I flipped. Searched the apartment top to bottom”

SP “ and”

1st “I found nothing. So I went out onto our tenth floor balcony for air and that’s when I seen it”

SP “seen what?!?”

1st “a pair of hands hanging onto the balcony”

SP “ so what did you do”

1st “I looked over to see a naked man hanging on to the rail. So I started to punch his hands”

SP “and what happened?!?”

1st “nothing. He held on”

SP “so what next”

1st “I climbed up into the balcony and jumped up and down on his hands but he still held on”

SP “so what did you do next?!?”

1st “I went and got my hammer. Smacked his hands and he fell. Ten floors down he went. Landed on a van and got up, rubbing his head”

SP “holy crap so what did you do”

1st “I found the heaviest thing in the apartment, the fridge and dragged it out to the balcony. Lifted it over the rail. It fell down, hit him and then I had a heart attack. So here I am”

SP “holy crap. Go on in mate”

Saint peter then goes to the next guy.

SP “so what’s your story man”

2nd “well I had the day off so I got up late, did some keep fit. Went and had a shower then walked naked out onto my eleventh floor balcony. I slipped on the tiles and fell over the railing. I managed to grab the balcony below but was too tired to pull myself up”

SP “so what happened next?!?”

2nd “I was fine just hanging there until this nutter appeared and started hitting my hands”

SP “so what did you do?!?”

2nd “I held on. Then he started jumping up and down on my hands”

SP “and?!?”

2nd “I held on. He disappears and came back with a hammer. Bang bang. I let go and fall ten floors down. Luckily I landed on a van”

SP “sweat Devine. So?!?”

2nd “I got up dazed and looked up. Only to be hit by a fridge. Bang. Dead and here I am”

SP “no question man. In you go”

Saint peter turns to the last guy.

SP “so what’s the go joe?”

3rd “picture this. There I am naked, hiding in a fridge.......

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By *usyatminMan over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

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By *usyatminMan over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

I always wanted to be a doctor which was fine but....

I found I just didn’t have the patients.

..... I’ll get my coat.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two dyslexics are working in a kitchen...

1st one says: "Can you smell gas?"

2nd one replies: " Mate, i can't even smell my own name"

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By *usyatminMan over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

What do you a deer with no eyes?......

A. No idea.

Came back for my coat.

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By *usyatminMan over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

Well as I am back for my coat..... following on.....

What do you then call a deer with no eyes and no legs? ........

A. Still no idea.

Coat on and going, no need to throw things!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s the fastest bun in the bakery???

Sconnnneeee!!!!

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By *usyatminMan over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend.

He said, "You know, you could do better."

"Thanks dad, that means a lot," I replied.

"I was talking to your girlfriend."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it's the most violent book he's ever read.

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By *hSureFookItMan over a year ago

Dublin/Drogheda

[Removed by poster at 29/11/18 19:11:43]

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By *hSureFookItMan over a year ago

Dublin/Drogheda

What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg but you can't beat a wank!

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By *usyatminMan over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

"What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg but you can't beat a wank!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A guy drops his new girlfriend home after their first date....

She tells him he'll have to wait 6 months before she'll give him a BJ ....

That's fine he says, I totally understand and respect your decision.....I'll ring you nearer the time

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By *athieMan over a year ago

Drogheda

2 blondes walking down town one walks into a building

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By * am in Your DreamsMan over a year ago

South

A guy walks into a bar waving his colt 45 pistol saying I've got six in the barrell and one in the chamber and I want to know who's being sleeping with my wife."

A voice called out from the back of the room,

"You better get more bullets"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A labracadabrador

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her £5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How come Santa’s sack is so big he only comes once a year...????

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"There guys walk up to the gates of heaven expecting entry but Saint Peter tells them heaven is getting a big overcrowded so the rules have changed. Now you must have led a good life and died a horrible death. One by one he listens to their story.

Saint Peter “so what happened to you?”

1st guy “well for the last while I suspected my wife of having an affair so today I finished with early and went home. When I got there she was on the kitchen table naked”

SP “ so......”

1st “I flipped. Searched the apartment top to bottom”

SP “ and”

1st “I found nothing. So I went out onto our tenth floor balcony for air and that’s when I seen it”

SP “seen what?!?”

1st “a pair of hands hanging onto the balcony”

SP “ so what did you do”

1st “I looked over to see a naked man hanging on to the rail. So I started to punch his hands”

SP “and what happened?!?”

1st “nothing. He held on”

SP “so what next”

1st “I climbed up into the balcony and jumped up and down on his hands but he still held on”

SP “so what did you do next?!?”

1st “I went and got my hammer. Smacked his hands and he fell. Ten floors down he went. Landed on a van and got up, rubbing his head”

SP “holy crap so what did you do”

1st “I found the heaviest thing in the apartment, the fridge and dragged it out to the balcony. Lifted it over the rail. It fell down, hit him and then I had a heart attack. So here I am”

SP “holy crap. Go on in mate”

Saint peter then goes to the next guy.

SP “so what’s your story man”

SP “so what happened next?!?”

2nd “I was fine just hanging there until this nutter appeared and started hitting my hands”

SP “so what did you do?!?”

2nd “I held on. Then he started jumping up and down on my hands”

SP “and?!?”

2nd “I held on. He disappears and came back with a hammer. Bang bang. I let go and fall ten floors down. Luckily I landed on a van”

SP “sweat Devine. So?!?”

2nd “I got up dazed and looked up. Only to be hit by a fridge. Bang. Dead and here I am”

SP “no question man. In you go”

Saint peter turns to the last guy.

SP “so what’s the go joe?”

3rd “picture this. There I am naked, hiding in a fridge......."

Do u think I've time to read this

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The nurse asked me could i wank in the cup , I said I'm good but not good enough to enter a competition!

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