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How your childhood can impact on adult relationships
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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FOR MY BOOK.
I would like examples of how your childhood can impact how you are as an adult.
I personally have abandonment issues and fear of rejection which has stemmed from my childhood.
I’ve done lots of work on healing the inner child, with meditations and lots of reading and research but this is focused on my own personal family dynamics and things that have happened to me.
So that I can help other people who also have issues I would like some examples of how a persons childhood can impact on their adult relationships.
I don’t want personal experiences if you’re not happy to share them but rest assured I will not use anyone’s personal experiences. Only collate the information and rewrite it in its basic form.
I only want the action ie absent father, and the result ie abandonment issues.
If this thread triggers anyone or they don’t want to give me help writing this chapter then ignore it instead of commenting that you don’t want to answer, it details the thread. |
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My Mothers moods especially in the morning, as kids we would often be up way before my parents. But if she was in a bad mood (I think she suffered from migraines) we would get shouted at or even hit, for any minor infraction.
Those feelings of dread when I’m up before a partner still linger and I’m well aware that they come from my childhood. They don’t bother me but with my own kids I ensure that any bad mood I’m having isn’t projected on to them or what they’re doing.
So in my case it made me aware that I shouldn’t take my frustrations out on them. As I’m well aware they can take those feelings with them into later life.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My Mothers moods especially in the morning, as kids we would often be up way before my parents. But if she was in a bad mood (I think she suffered from migraines) we would get shouted at or even hit, for any minor infraction.
Those feelings of dread when I’m up before a partner still linger and I’m well aware that they come from my childhood. They don’t bother me but with my own kids I ensure that any bad mood I’m having isn’t projected on to them or what they’re doing.
So in my case it made me aware that I shouldn’t take my frustrations out on them. As I’m well aware they can take those feelings with them into later life. "
I’ve had to make massive efforts in the past not to take anything out on my child. Whenever I’ve been screwed over by a guy and I feel like absolute shit, I don’t have patience and it’s then that I have to have a word with myself. I do my crying in the bath with the door shut and the Alexa on so my daughter doesn’t see me upset.
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Think how my mum was with me is reason I get on far better with men ! She constantly told me and my sister she only wanted boys not girls we have 3 brothers who could never do wrong she would often tell me I was stupid as well I did confront her about this as a adult I asked why did u allways tell me I'm useless and stupid she made a joke of it saying well u are! We did get on a little better in later years but my brothers still had upper hand little things like I remember asking if she would come to mine this xmas ? She said no I've allready said I'm going to one of my brothers ! So I said next year then? But it never happened ! Its 13 years today she died x |
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I came from poverty and hunger. I remember hunger being an all consuming thing in my life and when I got to this country I was stick thin. My idea of having nothing is just that I barely had clothes.
I make sure I have what could be considered a large sum of money just sat for a rainy day that may not ever come. I’m petrified of being poor.
My cupboards are always kept very well stocked. I’m petrified of being hungry again.
It’s deeply affected me as to whether I could have kids and let them down.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"FOR MY BOOK.
I would like examples of how your childhood can impact how you are as an adult.
I personally have abandonment issues and fear of rejection which has stemmed from my childhood.
I’ve done lots of work on healing the inner child, with meditations and lots of reading and research but this is focused on my own personal family dynamics and things that have happened to me.
So that I can help other people who also have issues I would like some examples of how a persons childhood can impact on their adult relationships.
I don’t want personal experiences if you’re not happy to share them but rest assured I will not use anyone’s personal experiences. Only collate the information and rewrite it in its basic form.
I only want the action ie absent father, and the result ie abandonment issues.
If this thread triggers anyone or they don’t want to give me help writing this chapter then ignore it instead of commenting that you don’t want to answer, it details the thread. "
Annie look up Bowlby/Goldshmeid and research attachments types.
Your early relationships can impact on how your brain develpps. Disjointed and ambivalent attachments are linked to MH issues in later life and can determine how you form relationships.
It really is fascinating. |
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Absolutely.
It's hard to truly shake being told you're worthless as a kid, being told you're ugly as a kid, being told you were lucky to be born and "I wanted a boy so I had one of each, but instead I got lumbered with you"
All of those things (plus much much more) impact our view of ourselves.
There's something I read that struck so hard with me.
"When you keep criticising your kids they don't stop loving you..... they stop loving themselves"
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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago
Derry |
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself |
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"Absolutely.
It's hard to truly shake being told you're worthless as a kid, being told you're ugly as a kid, being told you were lucky to be born and "I wanted a boy so I had one of each, but instead I got lumbered with you"
All of those things (plus much much more) impact our view of ourselves.
There's something I read that struck so hard with me.
"When you keep criticising your kids they don't stop loving you..... they stop loving themselves"
"
I’ll remember that quote |
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Didn't have parents that cared so didn't think it right to expect strangers too. In my early years I allowed myself to be treated badly as I thought that was what I was worth.
Didn't believe my husband really loved me and only recognised my worth when my newborn daughter was placed in my arms.
The residual effect of my childhood is I'm fiercely independent. I don't need or want anyone for anything: that doesn't always go down well, but from an early age it's been me against the world and I don't want to be beholden to anyone for anything.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Didn't have parents that cared so didn't think it right to expect strangers too. In my early years I allowed myself to be treated badly as I thought that was what I was worth.
Didn't believe my husband really loved me and only recognised my worth when my newborn daughter was placed in my arms.
Absolutely solute you.
The residual effect of my childhood is I'm fiercely independent. I don't need or want anyone for anything: that doesn't always go down well, but from an early age it's been me against the world and I don't want to be beholden to anyone for anything.
"
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
To put a positive perspective on this - have never known my father and never will, and that in itself may or may not have had it's impacts on me, along with other childhood events that shaped me, but they're not for this post (or any other as I said on your other thread Annie).
What I am absolutely certain of though is the lack of a father meant I had a much stronger bond with my Mum - and that in turn helped shape me for the good - as we faced so many things together and she inspired me, instilled values into me and showed me positivity and strength that help keep me balanced even today. She showed me that even in the darkest times there's a light at the end of the tunnel, that if you're ready to stand up and fight for what you need that you can do so without treading on other people and so much more.
And *those* are the things I focus on from my childhood about what has shaped me to be the person I am today, not the negatives (although they are there) - in fact some of those negatives I've turned around into positives and embrace now because of the examples she set. |
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When I was young I got shouted at a lot if I did something wrong, by my father (who had a furious temper) and by teachers. Making mistakes was seen as something to be crushed. Making mistakes and learning from them was not something to be accepted in life.
Now, I think as a result of that continued treatment, I take a long time to do things. I am fearful of making mistakes. I don't want anybody to fly off the handle at me. I get criticised for taking too long, but that's because I'm trying to do it right in fear of the consequences. Often I'd rather not do something than risk doing it wrong. Luke |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My Mothers moods especially in the morning, as kids we would often be up way before my parents. But if she was in a bad mood (I think she suffered from migraines) we would get shouted at or even hit, for any minor infraction.
Those feelings of dread when I’m up before a partner still linger and I’m well aware that they come from my childhood. They don’t bother me but with my own kids I ensure that any bad mood I’m having isn’t projected on to them or what they’re doing.
So in my case it made me aware that I shouldn’t take my frustrations out on them. As I’m well aware they can take those feelings with them into later life.
I’ve had to make massive efforts in the past not to take anything out on my child. Whenever I’ve been screwed over by a guy and I feel like absolute shit, I don’t have patience and it’s then that I have to have a word with myself. I do my crying in the bath with the door shut and the Alexa on so my daughter doesn’t see me upset.
"
She knows though. It’s amazing how much kids pick up on  |
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I hated rugby when I was at school because it was so violent and I often got hurt quite badly. My size meant I got put in the scrum which is where a lot of my injuries happened.
Rugby was compulsory at the schools I went to and I developed a real deep-seated hatred of the game. I had arguments with my headmaster about why we should not be forced to "play" such a barbaric sport.
In my last ever "game" I was injured quite badly and was off school for two days. After that I simply refused to ever take part again.
Now I absolutely despise rugby. The last time I saw rugby on TV (somebody else was watching it) I had to leave the room because I felt myself bubbling with anger and I ended up having a furious outburst about it being on TV in the same house as me. I don't think my hatred and fury will ever leave me. |
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So. My mum and her "worthlessness" towards me.
The constant "work harder, be better, you're not good enough, try harder"
Didn't matter how good I was at anything, how hard I TRIED at anything it wasn't enough.
I was never enough.
I felt like she didn't love me the way a parent should love a child, but she only loved me if I was a "positive reflection of her parenting".
I never felt she was proud of me until I was stepping off the ice at the end of England u19s trials, she looked at me and nodded and only then did I feel like she was proud of me, but not me personally.... her input into it almost. Like she was proud HER DAUGHTER was at England trials, not proud OF her daughter being at England trials.
She had fuck all to be proud of herself for in that, I put all the work in. Me. My body, my blood, sweat and tears. The only credit she could take was driving me to Sheffield for it.
I didn't get that far because of her, I got there because I wanted it, because I loved it. None of the stuff she ever said to me made me put in extra effort, it made me fear failure. It made me fear being a disappointment.
Anyways, it HAS impacted relationships because I've found myself 'trying harder, compromising on things I shouldn't need to, wanting to be better, taking absolute shit and behaviour I categorically wouldn't want my friends to put up with off partners' to keep someone in my life who says that they love me. Coz I want them to be proud of me.
That shit ain't happening again. I recognise it.
It's toxic for me.
I AM enough..... I'm me.
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My mum is bi-polar & I remember the dread of coming home from school never knowing whether she would be high as a kite & happy to be out in the streets with me & the other kids playing skipping/trying roller boots or in her bedroom depressed & crying playing Dr Hook records over & over again. My Dad was in the army & away a lot but he was very strict with us kids & we dreaded him coming home as the atmosphere in the house was more regimented. He was physically more affectionate towards us whereas my mum was never that physically affectionate towards us. We never wanted for anything materially though & had a nice clean home, food in our bellies, were well cared for & had a stay at home mum who was there for us. My Dad was a d*unk though & regularly beat up my mum when home from the army. He would go to the mess, spend a fortune & then come home & start on my mum. Always hated the sound of the key in the door as knew what it was the start of. My mum used to leave him on a regular basis & take us to her friends or the family officer. As I got older I remember thinking how unhappy my mum was but because she had three children & was reliant on my Dad 100% for monies, a roof over her head & had no family support nearby she was powerless to leave. The influence on me has been to be fiercely independent, earn my own money, have my own house. Been in relationships but always remained independent & not made myself vulnerable in any way. Think it also was one of the reasons why I never had children of my own. Didn’t want to be vulnerable & dependant on a man by going on maternity leave, having a reduction in earnings & then having to be responsible for other human beings & trapped/tied down like my mum was. I don’t even have pets because I don’t want the tie! |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
Great thread as usual, OP
I think we are shaped by our environment, home, school, friends etc. As an oldest child of several, the child often learns to take responsibility for the younger siblings and conversely the youngest often assumes the role of the baby.
There is reserach about how for example your position amongst your siblings can make you more or less likely to enjoy being in charge or being guided in what to do at work or in social situations. They also found out that there is a greater likelihood of the eldest getting on with his/her life partner if both were the eldest in their family of origin.
Not set in concrete and there are many other factors but in summary, I believe that we are both, nature (genes) and nurture (environment). |
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"So. My mum and her "worthlessness" towards me.
The constant "work harder, be better, you're not good enough, try harder"
Didn't matter how good I was at anything, how hard I TRIED at anything it wasn't enough.
I was never enough.
I felt like she didn't love me the way a parent should love a child, but she only loved me if I was a "positive reflection of her parenting".
I never felt she was proud of me until I was stepping off the ice at the end of England u19s trials, she looked at me and nodded and only then did I feel like she was proud of me, but not me personally.... her input into it almost. Like she was proud HER DAUGHTER was at England trials, not proud OF her daughter being at England trials.
She had fuck all to be proud of herself for in that, I put all the work in. Me. My body, my blood, sweat and tears. The only credit she could take was driving me to Sheffield for it.
I didn't get that far because of her, I got there because I wanted it, because I loved it. None of the stuff she ever said to me made me put in extra effort, it made me fear failure. It made me fear being a disappointment.
Anyways, it HAS impacted relationships because I've found myself 'trying harder, compromising on things I shouldn't need to, wanting to be better, taking absolute shit and behaviour I categorically wouldn't want my friends to put up with off partners' to keep someone in my life who says that they love me. Coz I want them to be proud of me.
That shit ain't happening again. I recognise it.
It's toxic for me.
I AM enough..... I'm me.
"
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
I have my own book thoughts about this. I would never finish writing a book, keeping up with the deadlines for other writing.
Abandonment and attachment issues that it took me a very long time to understand. I still internalise rejection, even though I know it is about their choice and needs and not about the intrinsic me.
My mother regularly told me I was ugliest baby she had ever seen and I reached the grand age of 42 before either parent said they were proud of me. When I am in a depression that's the dominant narrative.
I realise the harsh reality of my parents' lives the parental neglect they experienced. I forgive them for not being able to move on from that for themselves. Less generously, I find it hard to forgive them for not treating me as well they treated other people's children.
That legacy means I never expect to be treated as well as others and therefore never am. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My parents were very aggressive, they shouted at us, hit us fairly frequently. A violent childhood at times. I/we had 'jobs' to do which at the time i thought all children did as much but later realised they didn't do as many chores as i did. My school friends didn't want to come to my house, i didn't realise people lived differently until i went to my friends houses.
Food was often rationed, the only food that we could freely eat was crisps because a close family member worked at a crisp factory and stole boxes of them. I was told that they had wanted me to be a boy. I never felt valued, felt worthless, was told i wasn't as clever as my siblings etc. Odd things like not being allowed to change my clothes every day which was horrible. I always felt i was/am useless. It reflected on how i was as an adult. I ended up with a guy who also told treated me the same. However i treated my children differently and (hopefully) gave them a good childhood feeling loved, happy, praised etc. I never limited food (my children are slim and healthy). As an adult i overeat and am way over weight, i comfort eat, probably because i was denied food as a child. Although i do have health issues that also cause weight gain but some of it is linked to my childhood.
However i am now with a lovely guy who has helped with my feelings and i do feel valued etc now, most of the time anyway. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Witnessed episodes of extreme violence, and was abused in multiple ways.
As an adult - can't trust anyone, have severe self esteem issues, and struggle to form healthy relationships because I push people away out of fear. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had no friends as a child. As a result, my social skills are rudimentary, I have a very hard tike making friends and an even harder time keeping them. There are very few people who tolerate me long-term. I find social situations difficult and stressful, I come across as anti-social. I'm used to being on my own and not talking to anyone, and I was raised to mind my own business so asking questions feels like I'm being offensive. |
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I was blessed to have 2 wonderful loving parents we didn't have a lot of money but always a happy home, unfortunately dad passed away when he was 50 suddenly, left mum coping with 4 children she worked hard and we never did without,
In my adult years I still look up to and admire my mothers strength, I got through a bad marriage and put my children through college and myself because my mother supported me and told me you can do this. I am a proud mother and remarried very happy and blessed to still have my mother in my life.
Money isn't everything your health is your wealth  |
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By *oobaaMan
over a year ago
South Shields |
I was constantly put down by my control freak mother. My older brother was the star of the show and was always being praised, but I was told I was stupid and not worth the bother.
At family gatherings I was always embarrassed in front of everyone and made to sit in a corner out the way.The rest of my cousins were having a great time but I wasnt allowed to join in.
Later in life the abuse has had a lasting affect which makes relationships almost impossible. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The human psyche is weird.
I had the opposite to most of the stories here, thankfully. My parents were together for 37 years and I can only ever recall them arguing once in all the time I was at home; they gave me all the love and support anyone could ever expect.
But here I am, massively self-critical; most of my previous relationships didn’t make it past a few of months, I struggle with not having privacy in certain areas, I struggle with confrontation and I’m regularly up and down in mood which is the polar opposite of either of my parents. |
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I was left on my own a lot, probably explains why I am emotionally cold and distant and find it difficult to form emotional bonds(almost impossible)...I am very gregarious and love having a laugh with friends/colleagues but you will never get inside...and I can leave and forget you in minute.
There's only 1 person who's broke through that
Don't I just paint a pretty picture! |
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My father used to beat us to an extent where i had to have days off school until the swelling went down or i could move my limbs without being in pain.
I cant say i have ever fallen in love with anyone and dont want anyone to love me but i do care about certain people.my moral values are non existant and i fight myself every day to stay calm and not rise to anything that annoys me hence why i havnt lost my temper for 2yrs or so. My sense of humour can be quite dark too. Im not sure if thats just me or a result of what happened to me but i dont dwell on it as lifes too short. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Having both come from broken homes, we don't subscribe to the how it affects you in later life.
If you don't let it, it won't.
Be yourself and not follow the path set down for you."
If only it was that easy !!! I was so badly damaged that i have needed lots of mental health care aswell as only altering when i met a good man. |
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By *eema 1Man
over a year ago
Salisbury |
A lighter note..
I was so ugly the midwife smacked my mother.
Sorry no!
I was a beauty so people told my mother wen i was in my pram.
Fortunately i had an excellent parents..my dad was an only child, like me..my mother was 1 of 10..she was a beauty..a child model and art student..bell of the ball at the Chelsea students art ball at the RA Hall..headline pics in the daylys..iv still got the press pics..they both worked hard all their lives. I wasn't spoilt tho..had a few smacks..did errands for my pocket money.
Iv worked hard..i believe you only get out what you put in..anyone, unless seriously damaged mentally and need help..but can still move forward with this help.
I being spurred on by my mothers interest wrote poetry for 2 years..'poetry for the people'..published 3 dvd's on 3 titles covering every aspect of life for young and older..i had been fairly good..not brilliant, at school and college..i just surprised myself starting this poetry..it took 6 months, daily often spending several hours and more just to get in a poet's train of thought..another year writing and a further 6 months to edit, finishing with 100 poems on 3 headings.it took over my life.
But the moral of this is..
Yes parental problems are real..but please note..its you that really overcomes this..you can, by serious effort have a fulfilling life by this..
Positive out does negatively.
Effort is rewarded..but i can tell you things can and do go haywire..but with your previous efforts and positivity you will overcome.
Here endeth my lesson today. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Witnessed episodes of extreme violence, and was abused in multiple ways.
As an adult - can't trust anyone, have severe self esteem issues, and struggle to form healthy relationships because I push people away out of fear. "
The same with me and as someone else said not much food in the house growing up so keep my house stocked my dad would beat my mum my mum was violent and not very loving towards me she wasn't very maternal and still isn't gave me a hug when she was in hospital was very strange |
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In their own way I knew my parents loved me so I never felt unloved specifically.
However - they had us very young and weren’t mature themselves.
I don’t recall them ever playing with me, I was never read a story (we had no children’s books in the house ever - just a set of adults encyclopaedias), never hugged and never told I was loved.
This had a lot of ramifications as a young adult. In order to get the affection I desperately craved I slept with a lot of guys - because most young men will only give affection if you shag them.
As I live in a small town - and this was the late 80’s - I was often called a slag and ‘nice’ local guys were often warned against me!
After 20 years of failed monogamous relationships I happened on fab - but now I have sex with numerous people because I bloody love it - not because I have intimacy cravings! |
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