FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Dad Jokes

Dad Jokes

By *_Mr.K_x OP Man over a year ago

North Worcestershire

Let's here your best Dad jokes!

I'll begin....

A man phones work and asks to speak to his boss. His boss picks up and the man says what's the difference between your daughter and this morning...

I'm not coming in this morning

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By *zeroMan over a year ago

Glasgow

My grandad got hit with mustard gas and pepper spray in the war.

He was a seasoned veteran.

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By *issmorganWoman over a year ago

Calderdale innit

A man on the Street just asked

if I knew where he could get a wig, I said not off the top of my head.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

An ice cream man was found dead in the back of his van.

His body was covered in chocolate sprinkles, 100 n 1000's, strawberry sauce and chocolate sauce.

The police now believe he 'topped' himself.

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By *adbod2godbodMan over a year ago

Manchester

Just got a job making chess pieces.

Start on knights next week.

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By *adbod2godbodMan over a year ago

Manchester

A town in Yorkshire has gone missing.

Police are said to be looking for Leeds

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By *hatty_Guy22Man over a year ago

Newcastle

What's faster? Hot or cold??

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By *adbod2godbodMan over a year ago

Manchester

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff.

What's blue and fluffy?

Pink fluff being st r angled

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call two friends who are good at maths?

Algebros.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Made a belt out of watches the other day

Complete waist of time.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I traded in my rooster for a duck

Now I’m up at the quack of dawn

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What does Jeff bezos do before going to sleep?

Puts his pyjamas on

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By *ild_oatsMan over a year ago

the land of saints & sinners

I got fired from my job making calendars.

All I did was take a day off…

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By *adbod2godbodMan over a year ago

Manchester

"I got fired from my job making calendars.

All I did was take a day off…"

I got sacked from the abotoir for dropping a bullock.

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By *empest2KMan over a year ago

Derby

When in a hurry, just say...

“Make like a French snail, and let's escargot!”

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By *J the bullMan over a year ago

Washington

“I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids. That’s right: I’m a faux pa.”

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By *dnmartinMan over a year ago

Hounslow

What do you call a ghost that you are certain you have seen before?

Déjà Boo

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Man walks into a library and asks the librarian "do you have that book for men with small penis's"

She checks the computer then says "I don't think it is in yet"

"yeah that's the one!!!" the man replies

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By *ew couple4youCouple over a year ago

Glasgow

What’s red and smells like blue paint.

Red paint

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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man over a year ago

North Worcestershire

[Removed by poster at 18/04/24 14:40:43]

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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man over a year ago

North Worcestershire

What's the difference between a piano, tuna and a big pot of glue?

You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna. Most people get stuck on the big pot of glue

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By *uctifanoWoman over a year ago

Glasgow

Boss: I’ve not seen you in work recently

Worker: Anno, I identify as invisible ~ I’m transparent and my pronouns are “who” and “where”

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I've been training my dog to fetch me tools from my new workshop.

He's not perfect, but he knows the drill.

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By *rjay224Man over a year ago

scotland

What do you call a man with no legs and no arms in a swimming pool ??

BOB

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By *ermite12ukMan over a year ago

Solihull and Romford

My wife has just text to say Gavin from Autoglass has just injected his special resin into her crack.

I'm not normally suspicious, but I've got the car!

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By *usurrusCouple over a year ago

North West.

The section between the front and back door at a Nandos is called the Peri-Perineum.

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By *onnycMan over a year ago

Doncaster

A sandwich walks into a bar the barman says sorry we don't serve food in here

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By *anielpiercedMan over a year ago

Have you heard about the magic tractor?

It went down the hill and turned into a field

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By *dnmartinMan over a year ago

Hounslow

To the guy who invented the number 0

Thanks for nothing

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By *aters139Man over a year ago

Sheffield

Posted elsewhere but I'll repeat here.

'what do you say to a mexican stealing your cheese'

"Nacho Cheese!"

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By *ild_oatsMan over a year ago

the land of saints & sinners

What’s better than roses on your piano ?

Tulips on your organ….

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By *estmids71Man over a year ago

Wolverhampton

The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no word to describe how angry I am

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By *estmids71Man over a year ago

Wolverhampton

My friend Gavin died from heartburn this morning. I can't believe Gaviscon

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By *iddlesticksMan over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

What’s the difference between light and hard.

You can eventually get to sleep with a light on.

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By *illan-KillashMan over a year ago

London/Sussex/Surrey/Berks/Hants

A skeleton walks into a pub and the barman asks what he'd like to drink.

The skeleton replies "a pint of lager and a mop"

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By *ed MartinMan over a year ago

Shefford

Can’t believe these haven’t been posted already:

What’s brown and sticky?

A Stick.

What’s long, hard and carries semen?

A submarine.

And for the sickos…

What’s blue and screws old ladies?

The Tory party.

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By *estmids71Man over a year ago

Wolverhampton

Walked into Asda once, dropped my trousers, got my circumcised cock out and said.... I bet you can't roll this back....

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By *zeroMan over a year ago

Glasgow

I hear Craig David is doing a collaboration with Team GB archery for the Olympics.

He's a bow selecter.

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By *aveboygreen3rdCouple over a year ago

this town

Two monkeys in a bath

1. Monkey says ooh ha ha ha ooh ha

2nd monkey says we’ll put some cold water in then ????

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By *dnmartinMan over a year ago

Hounslow

NEWS FLASH.

Huge explosion at......

1. French cheese factory, no one was hurt, but deBrie was everywhere

2. Nissan car factory, it is bad, it is raining Datsun cogs.

My sister has transitioned into a musical instrument. The family are in shock, mind you, I have always had my doubts about our Monica

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By *dnmartinMan over a year ago

Hounslow

I used to be in a rock band, we were called "The Radiators".

We were the warm-up act

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By *dnmartinMan over a year ago

Hounslow

I am furious, Last night, whilst we slept, thieves broke in and stole all our fruit.

I am absolutely peachless.

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By *dnmartinMan over a year ago

Hounslow

Which bear is the most condescending?

A Pan-duh

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do you call a man with no legs and no arms in a swimming pool ??

BOB "

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bottom?

Warren.

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By *till gameMan over a year ago

Oldham

What do you call a Scotsman that’s nearly home !

Hamish

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Seven dwarfs in a bed feeling Happy, so he got out.

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By *dnmartinMan over a year ago

Hounslow

I only get sick Monday through to Friday.

I think it is because of my weekend immune system

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What kind of cheese do you use to tempt a bear from the woods ... ?

Camembert !!

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By *ittlemissFlirtyCouple over a year ago

The bottom of the River Ankh

"What kind of cheese do you use to tempt a bear from the woods ... ?

Camembert !!

I have to disabrie.....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What kind of cheese do you use to tempt a bear from the woods ... ?

Camembert !!

I have to disabrie.....

What kimd of cheese do you use to hide a horse ... ?

Mascarpone !!

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

"Just got a job making chess pieces.

Start on knights next week."

plenty of time to watch pawnhub?

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

I cant help being cynical: I blame my blood group...be negative

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By *ornucopiaMan over a year ago

Bexley

"Let's here your best Dad jokes!

I'll begin....

A man phones work and asks to speak to his boss. His boss picks up and the man says what's the difference between your daughter and this morning...

I'm not coming in this morning"

Still trying to work that one out, 12 weeks later!

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By *limboy68Man over a year ago

st albans

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who sat by the fire and melted.

.... start the car...

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By *omCoyoteMan over a year ago

Northern England

Q What's the difference between a set of bagpipes and a trampoline?

A You don't need to take your shoes off to jump on a set of bagpipes.

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By *ig_eric_tionMan over a year ago

IPSWICH

Two nuns in a bath. One says "where's the soap" the other replies "yes it does doesn't it".

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

"What kind of cheese do you use to tempt a bear from the woods ... ?

Camembert !!

don't do that he'll come out like a bear with a sore head screaming Blue murder.

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By *arko2020Man over a year ago

Sale

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef

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By *olarbear73Man over a year ago

Glasgow

"Q What's the difference between a set of bagpipes and a trampoline?

A You don't need to take your shoes off to jump on a set of bagpipes.

You’ll never take our freedom….!

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By *hippy57Man over a year ago

Chelmsford

I had a dream about you last night ,did you ,no you wouldn’t let me

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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man over a year ago

North Worcestershire

Did you hear about the famous pickle?

He was a big dill!

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By *icolerobbieCouple over a year ago

walsall

"Seven dwarfs in a bed feeling Happy, so he got out."

Which made them all began to feel grumpy

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By *inkycumsluttWoman over a year ago

St Neots

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

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By *omCoyoteMan over a year ago

Northern England

"Q What's the difference between a set of bagpipes and a trampoline?

A You don't need to take your shoes off to jump on a set of bagpipes.

You’ll never take our freedom….! "

Ne'er mind her sexuality, I'd certainly take Mhairi Black - she's a top lass.

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By *arren and AliciaCouple over a year ago

Glasgow

Two tampons pass each other in the street would did they say to each other? Fuck all they were both stuck up cunts

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By *asterMeliodasMan over a year ago

Newmill

I had to leave my job at the soft drinks crushing factory because it was soda pressing.

People are usually shocked to find out what a bad electrician I am.

I don't always know which of my jokes is a dad joke, but when one is it soon becomes apparent.

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Sussex

Why do elephants have big ears?

. Because...

NODDY won't pay the ransom.

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By *aygallaMan over a year ago

newton aycliffe

Why do penguins usually have bigger shops….????

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By *asterMeliodasMan over a year ago

Newmill

I was delighted when I got home to find that someone had pilfered all my lamps.

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By *agatoXXXMan 40 weeks ago

742 Evergreen Terrace

I just bought a genuine Van Gogh coffee table.

I know it's the real thing because it's missing a bit of veneer...

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By *omCoyoteMan 40 weeks ago

Northern England

It's only when you closely examine an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day, that you realise just how often they suddently burst into flames.

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By (user no longer on site) 40 weeks ago

Knock knock?

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By *ittlemissFlirtyCouple 40 weeks ago

The bottom of the River Ankh

"I just bought a genuine Van Gogh coffee table.

I know it's the real thing because it's missing a bit of veneer..."

🤣🤣🤣

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By *zeroMan 40 weeks ago

Glasgow

"Knock knock?"

Who's there?

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By (user no longer on site) 40 weeks ago

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he was needing a shite

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By (user no longer on site) 40 weeks ago

"Knock knock?

Who's there?"

Runip

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By *zeroMan 40 weeks ago

Glasgow

"Knock knock?

Who's there?

Runip"

Runip who?

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By (user no longer on site) 40 weeks ago

"Knock knock?

Who's there?

Runip

Runip who?"

Haha you said runny poo 😂😂😂

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By *zeroMan 40 weeks ago

Glasgow

"Knock knock?

Who's there?

Runip

Runip who?

Haha you said runny poo 😂😂😂

💩💩💩

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By (user no longer on site) 40 weeks ago

I asked my new girlfriend how often she likes sex?

She said "Infrequently"

I said "Is that one word or two?"

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By *ittlemissFlirtyCouple 40 weeks ago

The bottom of the River Ankh

"Knock knock?

Who's there?

Runip

Runip who?

Haha you said runny poo 😂😂😂"

You shit 💩💩💩🤣🤣🤣

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By (user no longer on site) 40 weeks ago

I phoned a guy and told him I need my house pointing.

So he turned up and said "There it is"

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By *orny PTMan 40 weeks ago

Peterborough

"A town in Yorkshire has gone missing.

Police are said to be looking for Leeds"

Try Kent

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By *riel13Woman 40 weeks ago

Northampton

I watch aliens telling dad jokes on YouTube... They're dead funny

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By *orny PTMan 40 weeks ago

Peterborough

Knock knock

Who's there?

Pea Cash

Pea Cash who?

Pokemon: Gotta catch'em all

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By *r Mind CandyMan 40 weeks ago

Cheshire

I just bought the new Spanish electric car. It’s called the called the ford siesta, uses fuck all energy during the day.

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By *orny PTMan 40 weeks ago

Peterborough

"I just bought the new Spanish electric car. It’s called the called the ford siesta, uses fuck all energy during the day."

Fiesta, siesta: all night long.

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By *r Mind CandyMan 40 weeks ago

Cheshire

I love camping sex…. It’s fucking in-tents

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By (user no longer on site) 40 weeks ago

Man and wife having food at a restaurant, the waiter says to the man " would you like a box for your leftovers?"

The man replies; "No but I'll wrestle you for them"

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By *r Mind CandyMan 40 weeks ago

Cheshire

Man walks into a bar, barman says excuse me Sir do you know you’re got a steering wheel on your trousers? Many says yeah I know it’s driving me nuts.

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By *aleforfun22Man 40 weeks ago

Lancashire

Got a grandson he's four years old.he can't say please in Spanish .thatspoorforfour init

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By *aleforfun22Man 40 weeks ago

Lancashire

Did you hear about the Shepard who drove his sheep through town / he was given a ticket for making a ewe turn..

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By *orny PTMan 40 weeks ago

Peterborough

Shakespeare couldn't get served in any tavern, inn or hostel as people kept pointing at him saying "He's bard"

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By *dnmartinMan 39 weeks ago

Hounslow

I have made a huge mistake in challenging Death to a pillow fight

I fear the Reaper cushions

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By *YDB75Man 39 weeks ago

Beverley

What is a dentist fav time of the day… 2:30

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By *illan-KillashMan 39 weeks ago

London/Sussex/Surrey/Berks/Hants

One of my neighbours is in the Guinness book of records for receiving the most mysterious head injuries every recorded.

He only lives a stones throw away.....

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By *andSxxCouple 39 weeks ago

Birmingham

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the "P" is silent.

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By *orny PTMan 39 weeks ago

Peterborough

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the "P" is silent."

Ade Edmundon talking about Rik Mayall. His name is pronounced Rick, but it has a silent P.

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By *rSircumsizedMan 39 weeks ago

Risca

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

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By *orny PTMan 39 weeks ago

Peterborough

I'm in charge! Don't tell your mum.

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By *ldbutable1Man 39 weeks ago

exeter

how do you make a nun pregnant;;;;;;;

fuck her

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By *ldbutable1Man 39 weeks ago

exeter

2 flies on a vagina, which ones on drugs

the one sniffing up the crack

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By *ldbutable1Man 39 weeks ago

exeter

how do you make a(insert race desired)woman pregnant

cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest

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By *ldbutable1Man 39 weeks ago

exeter

why is rhiana like a ice hockey goalie,

both change their pads after 3 periods

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By *riel13Woman 38 weeks ago

Northampton

Do people that have electric cars listen to AC/DC or something more current?

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By (user no longer on site) 38 weeks ago

How do you make a idiot say how?...

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By *orny PTMan 38 weeks ago

Peterborough

"Do people that have electric cars listen to AC/DC or something more current?

Naah, got to be Sparks.

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By *aughty driverMan 38 weeks ago

Romford

Sourdough breads are my favourite but my indian friend was having naan of it

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By *orny PTMan 38 weeks ago

Peterborough

"Sourdough breads are my favourite but my indian friend was having naan of it"

I pitta him or her.

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By *dnmartinMan 37 weeks ago

Hounslow

My girlfriend has just given birth, I was in the delivery room with her.

Sheepishly I pulled the Doctor aside and asked,

"How soon can we start having sex?"

Doctor looked at me and said,

"Well I finish my shift in 45 minutes, say an hour in the car park"

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By *ShyButNotShyCouple 37 weeks ago

Stoke-on-trent

What's grey & can't climb trees?

A car park!

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By *orny PTMan 36 weeks ago

Peterborough

"What's grey & can't climb trees?

A car park!"

A dead squirrel

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By *tr8MrEMan 36 weeks ago

somewhere near Sheffield

What's another term for cumming in the wife.

Loading the dishwasher

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By *ezoMan 36 weeks ago

The Kingdom

I never trust stairs.

They are always up to something.

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By *rthur30Man 36 weeks ago

Warrington

"I never trust stairs.

They are always up to something. "

Tricky blighters, stairs.

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By *dnmartinMan 34 weeks ago

Hounslow

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replles, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss..

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!, screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well..sort of right.. this time want you to fill it up with fish', God answers.

‘Fish’ Queries Noah.

'Yep, fish ..well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, You want a New Ark?

Check'

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?

'Check'.

'And you want it full of Carp?"

Check.

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether...

'Dunno', says God, just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark

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By *orny PTMan 34 weeks ago

Peterborough

"One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replles, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss..

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!, screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well..sort of right.. this time want you to fill it up with fish', God answers.

‘Fish’ Queries Noah.

'Yep, fish ..well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, You want a New Ark?

Check'

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?

'Check'.

'And you want it full of Carp?"

Check.

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether...

'Dunno', says God, just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark

There are Dad jokes and then there's Father-in-heaven jokes

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By *dnmartinMan 33 weeks ago

Hounslow

You don't have to be Swiss to enjoy Toblerone.

But it Alps

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By *orny PTMan 33 weeks ago

Peterborough

Oral sex? It's the taste of things to come.

Peter Kaye: after hours.

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By *dnmartinMan 32 weeks ago

Hounslow

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I think I'm a moth."

"You don't need me' replies the doctor, "you need a psychologist."

'I know' says the man, "but was passing, and your light was on."

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By *rSircumsizedMan 32 weeks ago

Risca

What's E.T short for?

Because he has little legs.

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By *orny PTMan 32 weeks ago

Peterborough

What brand of vacuum cleaner does Spongebob Squarepants use?

Shark.

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By *ambscouple2015Couple 32 weeks ago

Not in Wisbech but near

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He worked it out with a pencil

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By *eper61Couple 32 weeks ago

Berks/Hamps/surrey

you may have heard it before, (and apologies if not policitially correct) but what do the small bumps around a nipple spell in braille? 'suck here'

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By (user no longer on site) 32 weeks ago

What do you call a sheep on a trampoline?

A woolly jumper 🤦‍♂️

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By (user no longer on site) 32 weeks ago

I am a dad

I am a joke

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By *aniiTV/TS 32 weeks ago

Staffs nr Lich

What do you call a cross dressing dinosaur?

Try Sarah Tops

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By (user no longer on site) 32 weeks ago

Two fish in a tank

One turns to the other and says……

"How do you drive this thing?”

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By *avid and juneCouple 32 weeks ago

Tamworth

Thieves broke into our local police station and stole the toilet.

The police have nothing to go on.

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By (user no longer on site) 32 weeks ago

Two chimps are sat in the bath.

One goes "Ooo, ooo, ahh, ahh!"

The other says "If it's too hot put some more cold in."

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By *hank you sirMan 32 weeks ago

colchester

What's red and breaks your teeth?

A brick

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By (user no longer on site) 32 weeks ago

When we make pizza my wife shreds the cheese.

She's the gratist

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan 32 weeks ago

Sussex

"Thieves broke into our local police station and stole the toilet.

The police have nothing to go on."

Another gang of burgers stole a petshops' stock of pet restraints.

Police are pursuing new leads.

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By *orny PTMan 32 weeks ago

Peterborough

"you may have heard it before, (and apologies if not policitially correct) but what do the small bumps around a nipple spell in braille? 'suck here'"

The other one says fresh milk

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By *orny PTMan 32 weeks ago

Peterborough

"Thieves broke into our local police station and stole the toilet.

The police have nothing to go on.

Another gang of burgers stole a petshops' stock of pet restraints.

Police are pursuing new leads."

...in suburbia!

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By *aughty driverMan 32 weeks ago

Romford

What are lemons and bananas good at. Peeling and squeezing

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By *aughtyGuy49Man 32 weeks ago

Aberdeen

I went to a zoo.

It only had one animal amd that was a dog.

It was a shit zoo.

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By *elly and daveCouple 32 weeks ago

gateshead

I got the sack after being caught with my dick in the bacon slicer in my local supermarket. Mind,she got the sack as well

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By *tu.xMan 32 weeks ago

around

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows to high. She looked surprised

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By * and M unleashedCouple 32 weeks ago

Lincoln

What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can’t wash your face in a Buffalo

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By *ripfillMan 32 weeks ago

Paris, New York, Hong Kong and Havant

Stainless steel sinks ….

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan 32 weeks ago

Willenhall

"Always the bridesmaid, never the bride..."

A handy tip when you're trying to pull at a wedding.

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan 32 weeks ago

Willenhall

I bought a toilet brush the other day but I've decided I don't like it.

I'm going back to using toilet paper.

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By *ornucopiaMan 32 weeks ago

Bexley

Heard about the geyser in Yellowstone Park who felt he could never match up to Old Faithful?

Suffered from low sulphur steam!

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By *rthur30Man 32 weeks ago

Warrington

"Heard about the geyser in Yellowstone Park who felt he could never match up to Old Faithful?

Suffered from low sulphur steam!"

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By *ealArtfulDodgerMan 32 weeks ago

Newcastle

Was at the doctors just last week..

I said Doc I can never pronounce any words with F's, T's or H's..

He said.. Well, you cannot say fairer than that then

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By *ommodoCouple 32 weeks ago

OX16

Now they are all feeling grumpy

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By *arrenhertsmanMan 32 weeks ago

Hatfield

I only sing when reversing the car

I’m a back up singer

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By (user no longer on site) 32 weeks ago

Did you hear the story about the cat falling into the lake and the rooster laughing.

Moral of the story is a wet pussy makes for a happy cock.

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By *ealArtfulDodgerMan 31 weeks ago

Newcastle

"Did you hear the story about the cat falling into the lake and the rooster laughing.

Moral of the story is a wet pussy makes for a happy cock. "

Genius

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By *orny PTMan 31 weeks ago

Peterborough

How do you confuse an idiot?

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By *orny PTMan 31 weeks ago

Peterborough

I'm gonna stop having sex at 55: she moves out next week.

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By *nowy669Man 31 weeks ago

East Kilbride

2 elderly ladies having tea one afternoon when one says did you come on the bus today Margaret

Yes she said but i managed to make it look like an asthma attack

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By *cotlad178Man 31 weeks ago

falkirk

Not a dad but think this qualifys.

Archaeologists have recently found a new burial chamber in the valley of the kings, inside they found a sarcophagus with a mummy adorned in chocolate and hazelnuts, looking at this the archaeologists believe they have found the tomb of pharaoh rocher

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By *elly and daveCouple 31 weeks ago

gateshead

Person goes to the doctors and says" everytime I pass wind a little voice says Honda". After examining them,the doctor says,"I'm not surprised you have an abcess down there". "An abcess,the person says". "Yes says the doctor,don't you know " Abcess makes the fart go Honda!"

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By *dnmartinMan 30 weeks ago

Hounslow

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan 30 weeks ago

Sussex

(With thanks to today's edition of Bargain Hunt...)

What kind of decorations would deer attach to their antlers?...

HORNaments

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By *icky KlungespeareMan 30 weeks ago

St Leonards

"What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

That's soooo Tim Vine

Talking of whom:

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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By *icky KlungespeareMan 30 weeks ago

St Leonards

Why has Edward Woodward got so many Ds in his name?

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By *orny PTMan 30 weeks ago

Peterborough

"Not a dad but think this qualifys.

I Asked AI to knock me up a picture of the Faroe Isles: the bugger came back with a warehouse full of mummies stacked up in lines.

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man 30 weeks ago

BRIDPORT

"Why has Edward Woodward got so many Ds in his name?"

Cos If he didn’t he’d be Ewar Woowar

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By *icky KlungespeareMan 30 weeks ago

St Leonards

"Why has Edward Woodward got so many Ds in his name?

Cos If he didn’t he’d be Ewar Woowar

I just love that one.

Ewar Woowar....just sounds so good

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By *orny PTMan 30 weeks ago

Peterborough

"Why has Edward Woodward got so many Ds in his name?

Cos If he didn’t he’d be Ewar Woowar

I just love that one.

Ewar Woowar....just sounds so good

His little piece of land with trees on it would be called Ewar Woowar Woo!

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By *orny PTMan 30 weeks ago

Peterborough

"Why has Edward Woodward got so many Ds in his name?

Cos If he didn’t he’d be Ewar Woowar

I just love that one.

Ewar Woowar....just sounds so good

Say it 10 times, without sounding sounding like a siren going off!

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By *haron1701ETV/TS 30 weeks ago

Southport

What's green and turns red at the flick of a switch?

A frog in a blender

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By *icky KlungespeareMan 30 weeks ago

St Leonards

"Why has Edward Woodward got so many Ds in his name?

Cos If he didn’t he’d be Ewar Woowar

I just love that one.

Ewar Woowar....just sounds so good

His little piece of land with trees on it would be called Ewar Woowar Woo!"

Just why? Why is that so funny? I cry at Ewar Woowar, and cry more at Ewar Woowar Woo 💙💜❤️♥️

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By (user no longer on site) 30 weeks ago

Best dad joke ever was the guy that was taking his wife to the hospital.

Poor woman ended up giving birth in the car.

Dad named him Carson

Sheer genius

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By *ohnSwingsSurreyMan 30 weeks ago

Horley

I told my wife that I thought that she’d had an eyebrow lift……..she looked surprised

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By *icky KlungespeareMan 30 weeks ago

St Leonards

Guy walks into the bakery.

How much is that cake please?

50p.

And that one?

50p.

And that one?

They're all 50p mate.

Oh. OK. Can I have that one please?

Certainly. That'll be £1 please.

£1? You said they were all 50p. Why's that one £1?

Well....

That's Madeira cake

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By *orny PTMan 30 weeks ago

Peterborough

"Why has Edward Woodward got so many Ds in his name?

Cos If he didn’t he’d be Ewar Woowar

I just love that one.

Ewar Woowar....just sounds so good

His little piece of land with trees on it would be called Ewar Woowar Woo!

Just why? Why is that so funny? I cry at Ewar Woowar, and cry more at Ewar Woowar Woo 💙💜❤️♥️"

Ewar Woowar Woo

It's so funny

To Mr Klungee

Ewar Woowar Woo

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan 30 weeks ago

Sussex

"What's green and turns red at the flick of a switch?

A frog in a blender

What's blue and doesn't fit?...

A dead epileptic.

... I'll get my straight jacket

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By *illy IdolMan 30 weeks ago

Midlands

What do you call a unicorn with a cold?

Achoo-nicorn

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By *onertoneMan 30 weeks ago

Eastbourne

Shouldn’t that be 6 dwarfs feeling happy cos happy is the 7th dwarf 😂😂😂

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By (user no longer on site) 30 weeks ago

Knock knock

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By *icky KlungespeareMan 30 weeks ago

St Leonards

"Knock knock "

Who's there?

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By (user no longer on site) 30 weeks ago

Thread killer

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