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Post your dad jokes 4.0 - the New Year Special

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 24 weeks ago

Manchester

I don't like to brag, but I'm more than wealthy enough not to have to work another day for the rest of the year.

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By *inky_RagnarCouple 24 weeks ago

Peterborough

Why do Klingons attack at dawn?

Morning Glory

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By *ingh89Man 24 weeks ago

Birmingham

What did the policeman say to his stomach?

Your under a vest.

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By *ou345Woman 24 weeks ago

Derby

I only sing when reversing the car

I’m a back up singer

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By *anillaswantmoreCouple 24 weeks ago

Manchester

What's the difference between Santa and Mrs Santa?

Snow balls

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 24 weeks ago

Manchester

I was due to have a new sofa delivered this week but its been delayed for a month.

Does anyone know where I stand?

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By *inkShyWoman 24 weeks ago

near Windsor

The landline rang earlier. I ran to get it and could just hear sniffing, then an almighty sneeze.

Fed up of these cold callers.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 24 weeks ago

Manchester

I wanted to cook my girlfriend a special New Year's Eve dinner last night.

But I ran out of Thyme.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 24 weeks ago

Manchester

I've been accused of selling out of date Irish Cream Liqueur.

The trial is at the Old Bailey's.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 24 weeks ago

Manchester

I had a Tesco delivery this afternoon, the driver said, "I've got a couple of substitutions for you, here's your rosemary and haddock."

I said, "this is neither the thyme or the plaice."

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple 24 weeks ago

Leeds

What has Santa and Michael Jackson got in common.

They both empty their sacks for little kids.

The mr

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By *hisIsMe58Man 24 weeks ago

Winchester

What did one eye say to the other?

There's something between us that smells.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 23 weeks ago

Manchester

My ex-wife was deaf.

She had an affair with a deaf man.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 22 weeks ago

Manchester

Took my son out for his first Pint today...

I got him a lager; he didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a pint of bitter, but he didn't like that either. I drank it.

It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider.

By the time we got down to the Whisky, I could hardly push the pram straight.

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By (user no longer on site) 22 weeks ago

How do you follow Will Smith in a blizzard?

Follow the fresh prints

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By *om WxmMan 22 weeks ago

Wrexham

I asked my German friend if he knew what the square root of 81 was...but he didn't.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 22 weeks ago

Manchester

I was offered sex with a hot, nubile young woman (a pole dance) earlier today.

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course, I declined, because I'm a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as Ajax, the super-strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 20 weeks ago

Manchester

I would like to congratulate my wife for passing her mouth organ exam.

Well done our Monica.

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By *avenwrexham75TV/TS 20 weeks ago

Wrexham

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 17 weeks ago

Manchester

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there's an increased likelihood that they will indeed see you later.

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By *ormalfornorfolkMan 17 weeks ago

Norwich

I went to the zoo the other day. All they had was a dog. It was a shitzu.

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By *xaussiepaulMan 17 weeks ago

Bournemouth

Why does Sweden's navy have barcodes printed on the sides of all their ships!

When the ships come back to port

They can Scandinavian

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By *ousteau72Man 17 weeks ago

Wombourne

Guy in Scotland goes into a cake shop and asks, "is that an iced bun or a meringue?"

The shop assistant replies, "Nooo, you're not rang, that's an iced bun!"

(Only works in a Scottish accent - just saying!)

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By *hinstrapMan 17 weeks ago

sheffield

Just a adopted a dog from the local blacksmith, soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door

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By *outhcoast MrMrsCouple 17 weeks ago

Bournemouth

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Aluminium Man?

Iron man stops the baddies where as Aluminium man just foils their plans.

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By *VANDYMan 17 weeks ago

Teignmouth

"I went to the zoo the other day. All they had was a dog. It was a shitzu."

I also went to a zoo. They had a baguette, a French stick and a wholemeal loaf. Apparently they were bread in captivity.

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By *VANDYMan 17 weeks ago

Teignmouth

Someone stole my trainers and high viz from my locker at work. They can run but they can’t hide.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 17 weeks ago

Manchester

I went to the library today asked the librarian for a book about tiny willies.

She said, “I don’t think it’s in yet.”

I said, “That’s the one.”

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By *ifelover999Man 17 weeks ago

Eastbourne

Why dont eggs tell jokes..they might crack up

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 17 weeks ago

Manchester

I trained my dog to bring me wine.

Now he's a Bordeaux Collie.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 17 weeks ago

Manchester

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.

I dropped her off at the airport one day and she just vanished into Finnair…

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 16 weeks ago

Manchester

Got a taxi to the launderette.

Even though it's barely a mile away it cost me £30.

I felt like I’d been taken to the cleaners...

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 15 weeks ago

Manchester

So I've broken up with the dinosaur I've been seeing.

She's now my tyrannosaurus ex...

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By *nalise2TV/TS 15 weeks ago

Bolton

"I asked my German friend if he knew what the square root of 81 was...but he didn't. "
he said nein!

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By *andyrich555Man 15 weeks ago

ub4

What's the difference between a Kangeroo and a Kangeroot?

One is an Australian Animal...

The other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.

(Sorry)

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By *elfordstevieMan 15 weeks ago

Telford

"Someone stole my trainers and high viz from my locker at work. They can run but they can’t hide. "

A guy in a wheelchair stole my camouflage jacket.

He can hide, but he can’t run.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 15 weeks ago

Manchester

I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet.

But I haven't seen any with more than 4.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 11 weeks ago

Manchester

The price of petrol is so bad at the moment I ended up putting vodka in the lawnmower and now the grass is half cut.

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By *dnmartinMan 8 weeks ago

Hotel Jc27 M62

I'm never donating blood again! They ask way too many questions...

Who's blood is this? Where did it come from? Why is it in a bucket?

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By *ustdoit2me777Man 8 weeks ago

grays

If you’re a dad they are just jokes lol ❤️

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By *umbrian78Man 8 weeks ago

Ulverston

The man who invented the camera lens died this week - Zoo Min

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By *morousCouple8Couple 8 weeks ago

Cumbria

Ben is a roofer now, but he started as a labourer. Then he climbed the ladder.

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By *ilbzMan 8 weeks ago

Swindon Wiltshire

What is white and sits in an Irish garden in the summer?

Paddio furniture

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 7 weeks ago

Manchester

Did you know that Shania Twain’s sister, Choo Choo, used to work for British Rail.

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By *dnmartinMan 7 weeks ago

Hotel Jc27 M62

I identify as condescending.

My pronouns are there/there.

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By *dnmartinMan 6 weeks ago

Hotel Jc27 M62

I went to an alien orgy last night.

Don't know what came over me.

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By *eekyscotMan 6 weeks ago

Rhyl

I would tell you a time travelling joke but you didn't get it

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By *dnmartinMan 6 weeks ago

Hotel Jc27 M62

When Beethoven was a kid everyone told him he could never be a composer.

But did he listen?

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 5 weeks ago

Manchester

A man walks up to a librarian and asks: “Do you have any books on Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat?”

The librarian answers: “It rings a bell but I’m not sure if it’s here or not.”

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By *alphioMan 5 weeks ago

I havent got one... just like a dad

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By (user no longer on site) 5 weeks ago

Following lol

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By *dnmartinMan 5 weeks ago

Hotel Jc27 M62

What do you call a 1 legged Asian?

Thai Won Shu

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By *heggMan 5 weeks ago

South Brum

If you call the dolphin training centre you hear an automated message which says “Calls may be recorded for training porpoises”.

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By *aFemmeCoquetteWoman 5 weeks ago

Somewhere in the middle not the.....

I opened up a club called erectile dysfunction

It flopped....

And nobody came

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By *hamallamadingdongMan 5 weeks ago

London

"I opened up a club called erectile dysfunction

It flopped....

And nobody came"

Well played 👌🏾

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By *007ManMan 5 weeks ago

Worthing

I met my last partner through a dolphin impersonation club. When we first met, we just clicked.

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By *hamallamadingdongMan 5 weeks ago

London

If doves have white babies, and crows have black babies, what bird has no babies? Swallows.

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By *ty31Man 5 weeks ago

NW London

Some guy told me my Cockney rhyming slang was rubbish.

So I threw him down the apples and bananas

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 4 weeks ago

Manchester

To the person who stole my Microsoft account.

I will find you...you have my word.

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By *ifelover999Man 4 weeks ago

Eastbourne

Whats the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom.

One snatches watches.

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By *adbod2godbodMan 4 weeks ago

Manchester

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.

Why was 10 afraid?

He was in the middle of 9 11

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By *adbod2godbodMan 4 weeks ago

Manchester

Why did Susie fall off the swings?

She had no arms.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Not Susie

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By *adbod2godbodMan 4 weeks ago

Manchester

Why did the pervert cross the road?

He was stuck in the chicken.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks

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By *rLucky777Man 4 weeks ago

Leeds

I was in the bank the other day.

The old woman in front of me asked to check her balance so I pushed her over.

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By *erdyHollyTV/TS 4 weeks ago

In a galaxy far far away

I quit my job at the helium factory.

I refuse to be spoken to that way!

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By *oldShortsMan 4 weeks ago

St Helens

I read an article about a man who lost his eye lids, so they used his foreskin to make some.

He’s a bit cock eyed

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By *eekyscotMan 3 weeks ago

Rhyl

I've been told that if you are speaking Spanish to people in Spain that you should add "mucho" into your sentence as it would mean a lot to them

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By *asualfridayMan 3 weeks ago

Highlands

My dick might not be 12 inches, but it smells like a foot

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 1 week ago

Manchester

Went to see a faith healer show today. He was rubbish- even the guy in the wheelchair got up and walked out.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 7 days ago

Manchester

What is the first rule of Rick Astley club?

You know the rules and so do I.

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By *iddle aged and chubbyMan 7 days ago

Shefford

What do you use to count cows?

A cowculator

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By *dnmartinMan 21 hours ago

Hotel Jc27 M62

Dating a girl who used cedar instead of silicone for breast implants would be weird..

...wooden tit.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 19 hours ago

Manchester

A male streaker ran into the church, chased by the police.

They finally caught him by the organ.

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By *sleWightCoupleCouple 18 hours ago

Ryde

"Dating a girl who used cedar instead of silicone for breast implants would be weird..

...wooden tit."

There was a teacher at my school where it was widely known that she'd had a mastectomy, and would regularly be greeted in class by a chorus of

"Wooden tit be luverly..."

There were worse things that that, with some definitely not for modern consumption!

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