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Post your dad jokes 4.0 - the New Year Special

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 16 weeks ago

Manchester

I don't like to brag, but I'm more than wealthy enough not to have to work another day for the rest of the year.

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By *inky_RagnarCouple 16 weeks ago

Peterborough

Why do Klingons attack at dawn?

Morning Glory

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By *ingh89Man 16 weeks ago

Birmingham

What did the policeman say to his stomach?

Your under a vest.

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By *ou345Woman 16 weeks ago

Derby

I only sing when reversing the car

I’m a back up singer

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By *anillaswantmoreCouple 16 weeks ago

Manchester

What's the difference between Santa and Mrs Santa?

Snow balls

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 16 weeks ago

Manchester

I was due to have a new sofa delivered this week but its been delayed for a month.

Does anyone know where I stand?

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By *inkShyWoman 16 weeks ago

near Windsor

The landline rang earlier. I ran to get it and could just hear sniffing, then an almighty sneeze.

Fed up of these cold callers.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 16 weeks ago

Manchester

I wanted to cook my girlfriend a special New Year's Eve dinner last night.

But I ran out of Thyme.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 16 weeks ago

Manchester

I've been accused of selling out of date Irish Cream Liqueur.

The trial is at the Old Bailey's.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 16 weeks ago

Manchester

I had a Tesco delivery this afternoon, the driver said, "I've got a couple of substitutions for you, here's your rosemary and haddock."

I said, "this is neither the thyme or the plaice."

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple 16 weeks ago

Leeds

What has Santa and Michael Jackson got in common.

They both empty their sacks for little kids.

The mr

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By *hisIsMe58Man 16 weeks ago

Winchester

What did one eye say to the other?

There's something between us that smells.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 15 weeks ago

Manchester

My ex-wife was deaf.

She had an affair with a deaf man.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 14 weeks ago

Manchester

Took my son out for his first Pint today...

I got him a lager; he didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a pint of bitter, but he didn't like that either. I drank it.

It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider.

By the time we got down to the Whisky, I could hardly push the pram straight.

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By (user no longer on site) 14 weeks ago

How do you follow Will Smith in a blizzard?

Follow the fresh prints

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By *om WxmMan 14 weeks ago

Wrexham

I asked my German friend if he knew what the square root of 81 was...but he didn't.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 14 weeks ago

Manchester

I was offered sex with a hot, nubile young woman (a pole dance) earlier today.

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course, I declined, because I'm a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as Ajax, the super-strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 12 weeks ago

Manchester

I would like to congratulate my wife for passing her mouth organ exam.

Well done our Monica.

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By *avenwrexham75TV/TS 12 weeks ago

Wrexham

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 9 weeks ago

Manchester

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there's an increased likelihood that they will indeed see you later.

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By *ormalfornorfolkMan 9 weeks ago

Norwich

I went to the zoo the other day. All they had was a dog. It was a shitzu.

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By *xaussiepaulMan 9 weeks ago

Bournemouth

Why does Sweden's navy have barcodes printed on the sides of all their ships!

When the ships come back to port

They can Scandinavian

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By *ousteau72Man 9 weeks ago

Wombourne

Guy in Scotland goes into a cake shop and asks, "is that an iced bun or a meringue?"

The shop assistant replies, "Nooo, you're not rang, that's an iced bun!"

(Only works in a Scottish accent - just saying!)

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By *hinstrapMan 9 weeks ago

sheffield

Just a adopted a dog from the local blacksmith, soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door

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By *outhcoast MrMrsCouple 9 weeks ago

Bournemouth

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Aluminium Man?

Iron man stops the baddies where as Aluminium man just foils their plans.

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By *VANDYMan 9 weeks ago

Dawlish

"I went to the zoo the other day. All they had was a dog. It was a shitzu."

I also went to a zoo. They had a baguette, a French stick and a wholemeal loaf. Apparently they were bread in captivity.

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By *VANDYMan 9 weeks ago

Dawlish

Someone stole my trainers and high viz from my locker at work. They can run but they can’t hide.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 9 weeks ago

Manchester

I went to the library today asked the librarian for a book about tiny willies.

She said, “I don’t think it’s in yet.”

I said, “That’s the one.”

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By *ifelover999Man 9 weeks ago

Eastbourne

Why dont eggs tell jokes..they might crack up

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 9 weeks ago

Manchester

I trained my dog to bring me wine.

Now he's a Bordeaux Collie.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 9 weeks ago

Manchester

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.

I dropped her off at the airport one day and she just vanished into Finnair…

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 8 weeks ago

Manchester

Got a taxi to the launderette.

Even though it's barely a mile away it cost me £30.

I felt like I’d been taken to the cleaners...

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 7 weeks ago

Manchester

So I've broken up with the dinosaur I've been seeing.

She's now my tyrannosaurus ex...

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By *nalise2TV/TS 7 weeks ago

Bolton

"I asked my German friend if he knew what the square root of 81 was...but he didn't. "
he said nein!

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By *andyrich555Man 7 weeks ago

ub4

What's the difference between a Kangeroo and a Kangeroot?

One is an Australian Animal...

The other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.

(Sorry)

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By *elfordstevieMan 7 weeks ago

Telford

"Someone stole my trainers and high viz from my locker at work. They can run but they can’t hide. "

A guy in a wheelchair stole my camouflage jacket.

He can hide, but he can’t run.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 7 weeks ago

Manchester

I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet.

But I haven't seen any with more than 4.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man 3 weeks ago

Manchester

The price of petrol is so bad at the moment I ended up putting vodka in the lawnmower and now the grass is half cut.

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