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Jokes
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"A man comes home from a hard day of work only to find his wife laying infront of the fire place with her legs wide open. He asked, "Honey what are you doing?" She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner."" Hahaha love it !!  | |||
"A dyslexic man walks into a bra" haha | |||
See stolen chicken thread | |||
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"How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?...Fish! Okay, I'll fetch my coat. "Q:How many Social Workers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. But you can form a working group of 15 to create a booklet entitled "How to cope with darkness"  | |||
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"One from an up and coming comedian - Phil Pagett: If I want financial advice, I'll ask the Queen. She's always on the money. "Love it | |||
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"Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kyle said, “Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.” So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand.” Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay”. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, “Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand.” Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks “Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?” Sean replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."  | |||
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"Why don't clairvoyants need condoms? Because they have crystal balls and can see themselves coming. " If you're ever buying clothes for a clairvoyant, remember, they're a medium. | |||
"A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet £50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play." The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks. Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner. The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back in a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars." The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What are you fooling around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!" The octopus says "Play it? If I can figure out how to get its pyjamas off I'm gonna fuck it"" Haha..I love this! S..xx | |||
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"It's 1916 and Tom arrives at the front line in the trenches.He asks the officer "where do i go for a shit" "Well son over in that farm house there is a loo.We'll lay down covering fire while you zig zag over to the house.When your done wave at the window and then we'll lay down more fire as you run back. So the time comes when Tom can't hold it in and he tells the officer and zig zags over to the farmhouse. The other soldiers wait for the wave but after an hour there's no sign of him. 2 Hours go by and Tom signals. When he gets back they ask what took so long. "I went for a wander and found a French peasant girl in the basement and I fucked her in every position for hours even had anal sex." "Did she suck your dick aswell" asked one of the soldiers. "No " said Tom "I couldn't find her head" "I just spat my rice out laughing | |||
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"Whats yellow and lives off dead beatles? Yoko ono" Haha love it | |||
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"It's 1916 and Tom arrives at the front line in the trenches.He asks the officer "where do i go for a shit" "Well son over in that farm house there is a loo.We'll lay down covering fire while you zig zag over to the house.When your done wave at the window and then we'll lay down more fire as you run back. So the time comes when Tom can't hold it in and he tells the officer and zig zags over to the farmhouse. The other soldiers wait for the wave but after an hour there's no sign of him. 2 Hours go by and Tom signals. When he gets back they ask what took so long. "I went for a wander and found a French peasant girl in the basement and I fucked her in every position for hours even had anal sex." "Did she suck your dick aswell" asked one of the soldiers. "No " said Tom "I couldn't find her head"
I just spat my rice out laughing "Ooooh | |||
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