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I'm poorly, tell me a joke or funny story...
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By *hechapMan
over a year ago
Derry |
Once upon a time there was a girl who felt poorly.
She posted it on fab but everyone laughed and no one had any sympathy for her.
Anyhow long story short, everyone lived happily ever after.
The end. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Once upon a time there was a girl who felt poorly.
She posted it on fab but everyone laughed and no one had any sympathy for her.
Anyhow long story short, everyone lived happily ever after.
The end."
What a delight you are!  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Ok Lorna, I will try another (but not so easy to deliver by text)
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head? (Stick with me Lorna   )
D."
Go on I'll bite! |
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"Ok Lorna, I will try another (but not so easy to deliver by text)
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head? (Stick with me Lorna )
D.
Go on I'll bite! "
EdWood! (Stay with me!)
A man with 3 planks on his head?
D. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Ok Lorna, I will try another (but not so easy to deliver by text)
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head? (Stick with me Lorna )
D.
Go on I'll bite!
EdWood! (Stay with me!)
A man with 3 planks on his head?
D."
|
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"Ok Lorna, I will try another (but not so easy to deliver by text)
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head? (Stick with me Lorna )
D.
Go on I'll bite!
EdWood! (Stay with me!)
A man with 3 planks on his head?
D.
"
C’mon Lorna! Where nearly there!
EdWood WoodWood!
Ok the punchline 
What do you call a man with four planks on his head?
D. |
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"Ok Lorna, I will try another (but not so easy to deliver by text)
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head? (Stick with me Lorna )
D.
Go on I'll bite!
EdWood! (Stay with me!)
A man with 3 planks on his head?
D.
C’mon Lorna! Were nearly there!
EdWood WoodWood!
Ok the punchline
What do you call a man with four planks on his head?
D."
*
D. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Ok Lorna, I will try another (but not so easy to deliver by text)
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head? (Stick with me Lorna )
D.
Go on I'll bite!
EdWood! (Stay with me!)
A man with 3 planks on his head?
D.
C’mon Lorna! Were nearly there!
EdWood WoodWood!
Ok the punchline
What do you call a man with four planks on his head?
D.
*
D."
 . I appreciate the effort. |
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"Ok Lorna, I will try another (but not so easy to deliver by text)
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head? (Stick with me Lorna )
D.
Go on I'll bite!
EdWood! (Stay with me!)
A man with 3 planks on his head?
D.
C’mon Lorna! Were nearly there!
EdWood WoodWood!
Ok the punchline
What do you call a man with four planks on his head?
D.
*
D.
. I appreciate the effort. "
So.... what do you call a man with 4 planks on his head? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man goes to a sex shop and sees a blow up sex doll on sale for £10 . So he buys it , but when he tries it he finds that it has a slow puncture.
So he takes it back to the shop to complain, and says to the assistant. This doll that I bought for £10 keeps going down on me. The assistant replies if I had know that sir I would have charged you £20. |
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"A man goes to a sex shop and sees a blow up sex doll on sale for £10 . So he buys it , but when he tries it he finds that it has a slow puncture.
So he takes it back to the shop to complain, and says to the assistant. This doll that I bought for £10 keeps going down on me. The assistant replies if I had know that sir I would have charged you £20."
D. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This one is better 
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?"
Some one that lays awake at night wondering about the existence of Dog ?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm sat at the bus stop on the way home from work..... and I need a poo. Those speed bumps are gonna be hard work.
Aaaaand the bus just drove straight past. 
P |
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"This one is better
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Some one that lays awake at night wondering about the existence of Dog ??"
Oi oi you nicked my punch line haha |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This one is better
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Some one that lays awake at night wondering about the existence of Dog ??
Oi oi you nicked my punch line haha "
Oh sorry I thought that there was a prize for getting the right answer |
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By *ensualbicockMan
over a year ago
liverpool wavertree picton clock |
"This one is better
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Some one that lays awake at night wondering about the existence of Dog ??
Oi oi you nicked my punch line haha "
I didn't know i was dyslexic till a teacher spotted me dancing to YMCA at the school disco |
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Man staggered in to see his doctor. The doctor noticed his unsteadiness and pointed to a chair and told him to sit down. The man missed the chair and fell to the floor. " D*unk again" said the doctor! " ok, I will come back later when you are sober" replied the man! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Its a long one but funny:
A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Its a long one but funny:
A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!""
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"..
P |
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"Its a long one but funny:
A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!""
Proper laughed at that  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Its a long one but funny:
A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!""
i genuanly lol at that |
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"Its a long one but funny:
A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!" "
|
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"
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"..
P"
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Its a long one but funny:
A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"
"
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"..
P
"
That's awesome And I'm poorly too  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"OK looks like I will have to tell myself a Joke!
What do you call a line of barbie dolls?
A barbie queue.
I just died a little inside "
Oi! I'm hilarious. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A bear walks into a bar and says: “A pint of .................... bitter please”
The barman says, “Sure, but why the big pause?”
The bear says: “I’m a bear!” |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow." |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow.""
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