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Unsolicited messages
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By (user no longer on site) OP 50 weeks ago
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I've seen so many times, women saying they're constantly getting vile opening messages off certain guys on here. Not only does this deter them from other blokes, but could also have self awareness and confidence issues for the ladies. I've also noticed a lot of women saying that men should be more imaginative with their opening messages, so when I've started a conversation in the past with these ladies, it normally starts with "If you were to message me first, what would you say"? It never gets a reply. Lets kill 2 birds with 1 stone, and say only women can instigate a conversation with the fellas they like the look of. We can see then how a real conversation is started, and it would reduce the number of abusive messages. Just an idea. |
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Apart from finding your opening post borderline passive aggressive, which is already a red flag, I wouldn’t respond for this message either.
I think ladies are already doing what works for them, without anyone telling them how to do so. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 50 weeks ago
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"Apart from finding your opening post borderline passive aggressive, which is already a red flag, I wouldn’t respond for this message either.
I think ladies are already doing what works for them, without anyone telling them how to do so. "
What opening post? |
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"Apart from finding your opening post borderline passive aggressive, which is already a red flag, I wouldn’t respond for this message either.
I think ladies are already doing what works for them, without anyone telling them how to do so.
What opening post?"
Assume she means this one...."If you were to message me first, what would you say"? Not surprised nobody replies to that. Indeed comes across as passive aggressive.
In general think this is a really bad idea. I met my partner on here through sending messages and don't think she would have found me. She just doesn't have the time or inclination to sift through hundreds of profiles and proactively contact people. She does have the time to read messages and quickly delete or reply if any interest.
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By (user no longer on site) OP 50 weeks ago
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Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 50 weeks ago
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"Apart from finding your opening post borderline passive aggressive, which is already a red flag, I wouldn’t respond for this message either.
I think ladies are already doing what works for them, without anyone telling them how to do so.
What opening post?
Assume she means this one...."If you were to message me first, what would you say"? Not surprised nobody replies to that. Indeed comes across as passive aggressive.
In general think this is a really bad idea. I met my partner on here through sending messages and don't think she would have found me. She just doesn't have the time or inclination to sift through hundreds of profiles and proactively contact people. She does have the time to read messages and quickly delete or reply if any interest.
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Obviously this has worked for you, and that's great. I'm guessing if guys weren't able to send the first message, a lot of them would leave. There seems to be (in the area I'm in), serial offending men just sending abusive messages to women. |
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We can use the message filters, if we don't want to get them from specific categories of people. As the functionality exists already, I'm in favour of keeping this flexibility, rather than to reduce it.
Many do block men, instead preferring to go and find those that they want to chat with.
There's no universal perfect 1st message but all should be respectful and adhere to site rules. |
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"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers.
Women should stop moaning about receiving abuse?!  "
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By (user no longer on site) OP 50 weeks ago
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"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers.
Women should stop moaning about receiving abuse?! "
If the system works (didn't fancy adding that bit did you?) |
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"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers.
Women should stop moaning about receiving abuse?!
If the system works (didn't fancy adding that bit did you?)"
Regardless of that no one should be receiving abuse on their physical appearance? Why would that even be okay? |
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"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers."
You are entitled to an opinion and by posting here you will gets others entitled to expressing their opinion as well. You're not the spokesperson for all men and the ladies complaining about abuse are not the spokespeople for all ladies either. It's a shame it happens but I think most ladies just delete/block and move on. A vocal few complain in status updates or Forum.
I think if this were to be introduced lots of people would leave, male and probably female too. The trouble is it might not be the people you want to leave. Lots of the decent people would just say can't be arsed and leave. I've been on Fab pretty much since the beginning on and off and mets lots and lots of people as single and couple. Really wouldn't have bothered if unable to send messages. If a lady really doesn't want messages from men and prefers to just send herself she can achieve this through her settings/filters. No need to force that on everyone. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 50 weeks ago
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"We can use the message filters, if we don't want to get them from specific categories of people. As the functionality exists already, I'm in favour of keeping this flexibility, rather than to reduce it.
Many do block men, instead preferring to go and find those that they want to chat with.
There's no universal perfect 1st message but all should be respectful and adhere to site rules. "
Thank you. Being fairly new and still getting to grips with this place, I appreciate your post. How did it feel or how would you think it'd feel to be a new user on here now? (not being passive aggressive). Everyday, new women join, get totally bombarded with messages, then leave. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 50 weeks ago
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"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers.
Women should stop moaning about receiving abuse?!
If the system works (didn't fancy adding that bit did you?)
Regardless of that no one should be receiving abuse on their physical appearance? Why would that even be okay? "
I've not said it's ok to receive abusive messages. The lady who commented earlier, said that the system works. Yet everyday I see women complaining (and they have the right to) about receiving abusive comments. If it works, why are they complaining? I'm not arguing. |
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"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers.
Women should stop moaning about receiving abuse?!
If the system works (didn't fancy adding that bit did you?)
Regardless of that no one should be receiving abuse on their physical appearance? Why would that even be okay?
I've not said it's ok to receive abusive messages. The lady who commented earlier, said that the system works. Yet everyday I see women complaining (and they have the right to) about receiving abusive comments. If it works, why are they complaining? I'm not arguing."
I'm struggling to see how banning men from messaging would improve a woman's confidence or reduce the level of abuse on the site?
Regardless of who starts the conversation both parties have to be able to maintain it and just because someone is well verified and may catch the eye of some women doesn't preclude them from being arseholes and resorting to abuse if the conversation doesn't go the way they expect.
There are lots of people on here who have a certain degree of expectation when it comes to receiving messages.
I haven't sent an introductory message on here since February 2020.
Every conversation since has been initiated by women and couples contacting me. Quite a few of those messages are monosyllabic and not worth responding to.
Anyone with self confidence issues is going to struggle to make first contact as well as fear of rejection.
It's not always to do with physical attraction.
I have said no thanks and blocked a number of women that others obviously believe to be the hottest thing on two legs.
A lot of women and couples have no idea how to start a conversation and some of those that do then like to leave the heavy lifting to the man.
Placing messaging bans on anyone will make zero difference. |
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By *mma1973Woman 50 weeks ago
graffiti bridge |
"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers."
Or maybe, men should stop sending abuse in the first place. Then women wouldn't moan about it.
Just a thought. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 50 weeks ago
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"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers.
Or maybe, men should stop sending abuse in the first place. Then women wouldn't moan about it.
Just a thought. "
Agreed. But it's getting the message across to every guy on here, and having them comply with it. Good luck with that.  |
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"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers.
Or maybe, men should stop sending abuse in the first place. Then women wouldn't moan about it.
Just a thought.
Agreed. But it's getting the message across to every guy on here, and having them comply with it. Good luck with that. "
Why would you want to? It's like the rubbish taking itself out.
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"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers.
Or maybe, men should stop sending abuse in the first place. Then women wouldn't moan about it.
Just a thought. "
My point exactly! |
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By *ucka39Man 50 weeks ago
Newcastle |
"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers.
Women should stop moaning about receiving abuse?! "
Wow guys should stop moaning because they've not had a reply supposed to be an adult site  |
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"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers.
Or maybe, men should stop sending abuse in the first place. Then women wouldn't moan about it.
Just a thought.
My point exactly! "
Just been told il probably die alone because i said no, no wonder fewer women reply because of these types of guys |
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"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers."
So if we don't do as you say, we're not allowed to be upset that we get abuse? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 50 weeks ago
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"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers.
So if we don't do as you say, we're not allowed to be upset that we get abuse?"
I didn't say anything about doing as I say. Where did you get that from? I'm thinking of ways to eradicate the abusive messages! |
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"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers.
So if we don't do as you say, we're not allowed to be upset that we get abuse?
I didn't say anything about doing as I say. Where did you get that from? I'm thinking of ways to eradicate the abusive messages! "
It won't eradicate them, I'm afraid. Abuse isn't always the first message. |
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OP, for what it's worth the Fab apparatus does work for some people and women do send the first message.
I haven't sent a 'first message' in almost two years, other than reciprocal communiqués on the back of a forum thread, a fab photo challenge or some other Fab game.
Interactions other than that have been instigated by the woman in my experience. |
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Got to laugh. Fab has been going 15 years and for all its faults has been tremendously successful. So many people had amazing times and still do and even lots and lots of marriages. There is no way they are going to make such a major change as stop all men from messaging ladies. Never going to happen. I applaud you for having ideas OP but with respect you’ve only been here 7 weeks and only had a tiny glimpse into the wonderful world of Fab. |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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"I've seen so many times, women saying they're constantly getting vile opening messages off certain guys on here. Not only does this deter them from other blokes, but could also have self awareness and confidence issues for the ladies. I've also noticed a lot of women saying that men should be more imaginative with their opening messages, so when I've started a conversation in the past with these ladies, it normally starts with "If you were to message me first, what would you say"? It never gets a reply. Lets kill 2 birds with 1 stone, and say only women can instigate a conversation with the fellas they like the look of. We can see then how a real conversation is started, and it would reduce the number of abusive messages. Just an idea."
I'd say 90% of the messages I get don't even bother to read my profile .. that's the main issue with messages. If you sent me that message I prob wouldn't respond either . Sound passive aggressive af.... |
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By *bi HaiveMan 50 weeks ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
The current process works fine.
If yoqu receive an abuse message report it and block the sender. They'll never bother you again. Simples.
It's not only men that send abuse and can be negative to others. Women and couples do too.
When people act like dicks it gives an easy visual signal that they're to be avoided. Stopping them from sending messages solves nothing.
If men couldn't send an opening message, then what would stop them being abusive in a reply? Absolutely nothing at all.........
A
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Here's a better idea, set up a dick head filter, then people who don't want the abuse can filter out anyone who's been reported for bad behaviour. Now I know that will be impossible, but it's a good idea |
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By *mma1973Woman 50 weeks ago
graffiti bridge |
"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers.
Or maybe, men should stop sending abuse in the first place. Then women wouldn't moan about it.
Just a thought.
Agreed. But it's getting the message across to every guy on here, and having them comply with it. Good luck with that. "
Shouldn't have to get the message across. It just takes being a decent human being and not a dick head.
But sadly, too many dickheads are self entitled and blame women for not replying, not wanting them, being too picky. |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers.
Or maybe, men should stop sending abuse in the first place. Then women wouldn't moan about it.
Just a thought. "
Well said. |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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"Suppose it's how you read the question. To me, and the way it sounds in my head, it's a simple request to see how women would start a conversation. Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone. It was just an idea, I'm not the spokesman for all men, just my opinion which I believe I'm actually entitled to. Cheers.
Women should stop moaning about receiving abuse?!
Wow guys should stop moaning because they've not had a reply supposed to be an adult site "
Especially as, for the millionth time, it's covered in site FAQ's |
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By *mma1973Woman 50 weeks ago
graffiti bridge |
Sod it. I'll play ops game.
When I message a guy first I say.....
Hi. How are you?
I read your profile. I think you could be what I'm looking for in a playmate.
Message me if im your type
Happy fabbing
Polite, to the point. And I don't send abuse if im turned down |
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"I've seen so many times, women saying they're constantly getting vile opening messages off certain guys on here. Not only does this deter them from other blokes, but could also have self awareness and confidence issues for the ladies. I've also noticed a lot of women saying that men should be more imaginative with their opening messages, so when I've started a conversation in the past with these ladies, it normally starts with "If you were to message me first, what would you say"? It never gets a reply. Lets kill 2 birds with 1 stone, and say only women can instigate a conversation with the fellas they like the look of. We can see then how a real conversation is started, and it would reduce the number of abusive messages. Just an idea."
If you think only women should be able to send the first message then you should stop sending first messages.
Perfect solution, it really doesn't need a rule change |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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I've a suggestion. A button which anyone can press to send an automated "this user isn't interested" message to the sender. No direct contact. No comebacks or abuse. No ability to message a week or month later. No complaints about no replies. |
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"I've a suggestion. A button which anyone can press to send an automated "this user isn't interested" message to the sender. No direct contact. No comebacks or abuse. No ability to message a week or month later. No complaints about no replies. "
Not a bad idea but the same can be achieved by just blocking or a short "sorry not interested" and then blocking. Would be easier I agree. |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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Here is an example of a normal conversation initiated by a couple to me last year.
Hi there James, we are R&K, R on here now. We enjoyed reading your profile and wondered if you are interested in starting a conversation and see where it leads ?
Simple.. Polite....Normal opening message.. and they were a brilliant pair to meet.
Nothing complicated.
Just be normal and don't come off weird or thirsty |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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"I've a suggestion. A button which anyone can press to send an automated "this user isn't interested" message to the sender. No direct contact. No comebacks or abuse. No ability to message a week or month later. No complaints about no replies.
Not a bad idea but the same can be achieved by just blocking or a short "sorry not interested" and then blocking. Would be easier I agree. "
No it's not the same. People can still get difficult about being blocked in the forums. Sending a not interested message takes more time. For those who have lots of messages - why should they reply to all? |
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Women should stop moaning about getting abuse about their physical appearance if the system works for everyone
Lol what????
I mean good luck to you, but someone being dismayed at having their appearance ripped into by some incel she rejected...I wouldn't personally call that "moaning".
Could be that your attitude and/or choice of vocabulary is not helping your fab journey |
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