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Tell your funniest joke

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By *.A.R.Z.A.N. OP   Man 1 week ago

The Jungle

With no signs of the lockdown easing tell me your best joke to cheer everyone up..

I love this one;

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? Thanks for coming!

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By *ornyGent108Man 1 week ago

glasgow

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood clinic. The priest says “I am type A”, the minister follows saying “I’m type B”, and then the rabbit says “I think I’m a typo...”

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By *lirt69Woman 1 week ago

Blueberryhill

A Centurion walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "five pints please barman"!!

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By *lirt69Woman 1 week ago

Blueberryhill


"A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood clinic. The priest says “I am type A”, the minister follows saying “I’m type B”, and then the rabbit says “I think I’m a typo...”

"

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By *izzmasterzeroMan 1 week ago

Aberdeen

What do you get hanging from banana trees?...

... sore arms.

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By *ugyukMan 1 week ago

edinburgh

a guy goes down on an 87 year auld wumin only to get back up straight away..shes asks whats up??..he replys ..im sorry but the smell...your fannys stinking!!!

she smiles n nods knowingly replying ..ah yes thats the arthritis..the guys says ..i know arthritis and it doesnt smell like that..the woman says i know..its in my shoulder and a canny wipe ma arse !!!

boom boom !!!

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By *lirt69Woman 1 week ago

Blueberryhill


"a guy goes down on an 87 year auld wumin only to get back up straight away..shes asks whats up??..he replys ..im sorry but the smell...your fannys stinking!!!

she smiles n nods knowingly replying ..ah yes thats the arthritis..the guys says ..i know arthritis and it doesnt smell like that..the woman says i know..its in my shoulder and a canny wipe ma arse !!!

boom boom !!!"

Omg only you

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By *.A.R.Z.A.N. OP   Man 1 week ago

The Jungle


"a guy goes down on an 87 year auld wumin only to get back up straight away..shes asks whats up??..he replys ..im sorry but the smell...your fannys stinking!!!

she smiles n nods knowingly replying ..ah yes thats the arthritis..the guys says ..i know arthritis and it doesnt smell like that..the woman says i know..its in my shoulder and a canny wipe ma arse !!!

boom boom !!!"

Lmao m8

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By *ASCOTMan 1 week ago

inverness

Not an actual joke but real conversation from some 20 yrs ago, working with this stunning Kiwi girl, we were at a meeting with a good client when she said as this is training can i use your dictaphone, without thinking the response came back, no you can use your finger like everyone else,, dont know who was more red faced,, still makes me laugh,, (childish i know)

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By *andro95TV/TS 1 week ago

Coatbridge

Celtic

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By *roper-GentMan 1 week ago

Glenrothes


"A Centurion walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "five pints please barman"!! "

Clever

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By *roper-GentMan 1 week ago

Glenrothes

What do you call a deer with no eyes...

No idea...

What do you call a sleeping deer with no eyes...

Still no idea...

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By *unsexual MemelordWoman 1 week ago

West Lothian

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other has a pause at the end of its clause.

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By *.A.R.Z.A.N. OP   Man 1 week ago

The Jungle


"What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other has a pause at the end of its clause.

"

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By *.A.R.Z.A.N. OP   Man 1 week ago

The Jungle


"Celtic"

Now now no need for that

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By *edhead33Couple 1 week ago

Aberdeen

Two prawns on a plate, which one is the biggest?

The languastine

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By *edhead33Couple 1 week ago

Aberdeen

Ooh, what do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk

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By *ookie69Man 1 week ago

Whistle Dixie .

I was speaking to an Aircraft Pilot who was furloughed. He was doing some painting and decorating for extra cash.

He did a great job of the Landing...but he has a Bad ALTitude.

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By *ouncygirl75Woman 1 week ago

Buckie

What do you call a zoo with no dogs.........a shih Tzu

Sorry, my 10 year olds favourite joke

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By *roper-GentMan 7 days ago

Glenrothes


"What do you call a zoo with no dogs.........a shih Tzu

Sorry, my 10 year olds favourite joke "

Like that

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By *otuseater10Man 7 days ago

round the corner from you

I said to the wife the other day treasure,I always call her treasure because she looks like something I just dig up

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By *umbleMan 7 days ago

Alloa

What do a puppy and a short sighted gynaecologist have in common.

Wet nose.

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By *ionaScarletTV/TS 7 days ago

Dundee


"Two prawns on a plate, which one is the biggest?

The languastine"

I love this!

Brava!

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By *exceeAndBlairCouple 7 days ago

Glasgow


"What do you call a deer with no eyes...

No idea...

What do you call a sleeping deer with no eyes...

Still no idea...

"

And what do you call a sleeping deer with no eyes or balls...

Still no fuckin' idea.

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By *.A.R.Z.A.N. OP   Man 7 days ago

The Jungle


"What do you call a deer with no eyes...

No idea...

What do you call a sleeping deer with no eyes...

Still no idea...

And what do you call a sleeping deer with no eyes or balls...

Still no fuckin' idea."

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By *eneGenieMan 7 days ago

Glasgow

What do you get hanging from banana trees?

Sore arms.......

I'll fetch my coat!

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By *el65Man 7 days ago

paisley

not just any joke , but the worlds worst joke ,

so there was a farmers son who loved working on the farm from a young age he loved driving the tractor ,

as he grew and took over the farm he became wealthy , he started collecting vintage tractors ,

as he got old he had no one to give them too ,so he sold them ,

one day walking through the village he saw a lady running from a burning house screaming my baby is in the house ,

the farmer ran in ,took a deep breathe , sucked in all the smoke and rescued the baby ,

after he came out the lady asked how did you manage such a feat sir?

oh it was easy hen , you see

IM AN EX-TRACTOR-FAN!!!!!

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By *ikerbob1957Man 7 days ago

Glasgow

I'm reading a book on anti gravity. I can't put it down.

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By *exceeAndBlairCouple 7 days ago

Glasgow

Two old women talking, one of them's a bit deaf.

'What do you think of that Michael Buble?'

'Och, he bawls like a bull'.

'Has he?'

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By *exceeAndBlairCouple 7 days ago

Glasgow

A woman goes to the doctor to get treated for carpet burns on her knees and elbows. The doctor asked how she got the burns. She replies this was due to vigorous sexual intercourse in the doggie position.

The doctor says 'Well, from now on, I advise you have sex in the missionary position'.

The woman starts crying and says 'No, that won't work at all.'

'Why not', asks the doctor.

'Because the dog's breath stinks'.

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By *estless nativeMan 7 days ago

Glasgow

How do you find Will Smith in the snow

Follow the fresh prints

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By *ohnclark1066Man 7 days ago

no details

Have you seen the dog's bowl, No I didn't even know they could play cricket

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By *ulaMan 7 days ago

Stevenage

SNP

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By *methyst4UWoman 7 days ago

Falkirk

A man and a woman are going to have sex in the dark woods. After 10 mins the guy says Wish I had a flashlight. Women says so do I as you have been munching grass since we got here

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By *ixie and adamCouple 7 days ago

Glasgow

Anyone else’s ex have weird fetish? Mine used to walk around in his own clothes and act like a massive cunt.

I can’t claim credit for it but it made me laugh when I saw it.

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By *eoeclipseWoman 7 days ago

glasgow

My dad always calls himself handsome....it just click one day you get a 3some, 2some & then a handsome

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By *cotyguyMan 6 days ago

Glasgow

I've written a series of books about the different levels of sound.

There are quite a few volumes.

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By *eefyBangerMan 6 days ago

Edinburgh

A guy goes in to the butchers and asks the butcher “Can I have a mince round”

The butcher replies “Off course you can sir, just down touch anything”

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By *ugyukMan 6 days ago

edinburgh

Two 87 year auld ladies meet up for a coffee in town.

one asks the ither...did ye come on the bus??

the ihter replies....a did, but a made it look like an asthma attack !!!

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By *exceeAndBlairCouple 6 days ago

Glasgow

Two old ladies sitting in the park when a young man comes up and flashes at them. One of the old ladies had a stroke, but the other couldn't reach.

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By *exceeAndBlairCouple 6 days ago

Glasgow

A lad from the Islands is in bed with a sister and says to her 'You're definitely a better fuck than mum.'

'She says 'I know, my dad said so as well'.

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By *anarkshirelassCouple 6 days ago

lanarkshire

Celtic to win 10IAR

Couldn't resist it.

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By *agnekMan 6 days ago

Kinross area


"Celtic to win 10IAR

Couldn't resist it. "

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By *agnekMan 6 days ago

Kinross area


"Celtic to win 10IAR

Couldn't resist it.

"

We have a winner

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By *exceeAndBlairCouple 6 days ago

Glasgow


"Celtic to win 10IAR

Couldn't resist it. "

I shouldn't, but

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By *ORDERMANMan 5 days ago

wrexham

Used to date a girl who worked in an abattoir......she was a stunner

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By *erts a laughMan 5 days ago

Renfrew

Why did the chef put a fried egg on his heed?

Because a boiled 1 would of just rolled aff

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By *iggie_smallsMan 5 days ago

greenoxk

What’s the difference between oral and anal sex.

Oral sexy makes your day anal sex makes your hole weak.

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By *exceeAndBlairCouple 5 days ago

Glasgow

What's it like shagging a sheep?

Not baaaad.

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By *andro95TV/TS 5 days ago

Coatbridge


"Celtic

Now now no need for that "

you think you's would have something to hide

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By *kmygfCouple 5 days ago

Near NEC

A husband and wife are driving home and run over a badger, they get out and find its still breathing but freezing cold. The husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up" Wife replies "But its all wet and it stinks!" Husband says "Well hold its fucking nose then!".

Gets us in stitches every time.

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By *ORDERMANMan 5 days ago

wrexham

My mates have decided to hold a joint chinese new year and burns supper night party..

They're calling it a chinese burns night......

I said I wont be going but they've twisted my arm..

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By *d20Man 4 days ago

Inverness

Two Old Ladies sitting on a park bench, a naked young man comes walking past. Shocked, 1 of the Old ladies had a stroke, the other one missed.

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By *exywheelsCouple 4 days ago

inverness

A middle-aged married couple longed for the warmth in the middle of a cold winter and decided to travel to Florida and stay at the hotel where they had spent their wedding night 20 years earlier.

The husband had a longer vacation and left the day before. Upon checking in at reception, he discovered there was a computer in the room and decided to email his wife. Unfortunately, he got one letter wrong. In this way, the e-mail was sent to the pastor's widow, who had just returned home from her husband's funeral and wanted to check if there were any condolences from family and friends in the e-mail. Her son found her fainting in front of the computer, read on the screen:

To: My beloved wife.

Subject: I'm already there.

Body: I know you are surprised to hear from me. Now they have computers here and you can send e-mails to your loved ones. Just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. I'm looking forward to meeting you. Hope your trip is as smooth as mine.

PS: It's really hot in here !!

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By *exywheelsCouple 4 days ago

inverness

Matt Hancock was doing an annual visit to a busy hospital. As always he was looking for something to beat the staff with to show how badly run and loss making things were there.

Hancock checked all the books and then did his tour. While on the tour he turned to the ward manager and said “I notice you buy and use a lot of bandages. What do you do with the plastic middle out of the roll ?"

"Good question," noted the ward manager. "We save them up and send them back to Johnson and Johnson and every once in a while, they send us a free bandage roll. We like recycle whenever possible".

"Oh," replied Hancock ,, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went in his tour to the next ward. "What about all these coloured casts you dispense. They seem to be rather a waste of money?

"Ah, yes," replied the ward manager realizing that Hancock was trying to trap her. We ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs.

Hancock was determined to fluster the know-it-all ward manager. So on they went to the next ward.

"Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not like wasting, says the ward manager.

"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the government in London and about once a year, at this time, they send us a complete prick."

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By *exywheelsCouple 4 days ago

inverness

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.

It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucci, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily."You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye.

“My wife is from Sicily.”

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By *tormin1875Man 4 days ago

Edinburgh

Whats the difference between a smartly dressed man on a unicycle and a shoddily dressed man on a bicycle?

Attyre

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By *ornyfuckers66Couple 4 days ago

kirkcaldy

What comes after 9 ... 1-0

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By *exceeAndBlairCouple 4 days ago

Glasgow

There are 10 types of people in this world - those who understand binary and those who don't.

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By *estless nativeMan 3 days ago

Glasgow

An Ancient Greek walks into the tailor’s shop with a pair of ripped trousers,

“Euripides?” says the tailor.

“Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man

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By *ornyfuckers66Couple 2 days ago

kirkcaldy

Took the wife out last night ... one punch

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By *estless nativeMan 2 days ago

Glasgow

Elton John bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.

Its a little fit bunny..

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By *iscreet scotsmanMan 2 days ago

somewhere

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water :D

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By *enior serviceMan 2 days ago

dundee

David hasselhoff goes for a drink In a Glasgow pub.he asks the barman for a pint of lager. The barman says heh your David Hasselhoff, just call me Hoff he says to the barman the barman says aright nae hassle. made me chuckle

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By *exceeAndBlairCouple 2 days ago

Glasgow

Had sex with the barmaid at the local the other night and I'm really worried in case my girlfriend finds out.

As she might tell my wife.

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By *othianGuy41Man 1 day ago

livingston

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded Skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."

She asks, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its fucking nose."

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By *exywheelsCouple 1 day ago

inverness


"With no signs of the lockdown easing tell me your best joke to cheer everyone up..

I love this one;

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? Thanks for coming! "

Shouldn't that be Thank you for coming and please come again

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By *tormin1875Man 1 day ago

Edinburgh

Went to buy some camouflage clothes the other day.

Couldn't find any in the shops.

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