FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Not sure what to do
Not sure what to do
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Over the last few weeks, I have been giving some thought to what will happen after the pandemic... and I am leaning more and more towards not wanting to be part of the swingers lifestyle any more. There are several reasons for this: medical issues, safety concerns, total lack of interest in sex. But I guess the bottom line is that my priorities have shifted and I'm just bored with the idea of casual sex now.
However...
I have a partner (we have an open relationship and meet separately, hence the single profile) and he says that this is something he 'needs' in a partner. To be fair, he has been very clear about that from the beginning. I love him and don't want to lose him, so... what do I do? Do I go back to playing even though I am not enjoying it, or do I tell him I don't want to do it any more though it might mean losing him?
It's a horrible situation to be in.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I really can't get my head around why somebody would all but 'endure' something like swinging if they didn't want to do it.
It sounds like a path to misery and a very unhappy relationship |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I really can't get my head around why somebody would all but 'endure' something like swinging if they didn't want to do it.
It sounds like a path to misery and a very unhappy relationship "
Because I love my partner. We have an awesome relationship and I don't want to lose that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I really can't get my head around why somebody would all but 'endure' something like swinging if they didn't want to do it.
It sounds like a path to misery and a very unhappy relationship
Because I love my partner. We have an awesome relationship and I don't want to lose that."
Being prepared to act in a way that you really don't want to as you fear losing him doesn't sound awesome |
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I think it’s probably too early to decide.
Things have changed beyond all recognition for many of us over the last year. Never mind sex, I’d like to meet someone for a cup of coffee except it’s illegal.
When things change again in the next few months, see how you feel about it. The nagging doubt might be strengthened and it will become something you don’t enjoy or maybe you’ll be comfortable doing it again.
The important bits, as said above, is to be true to yourself. The way to do that is to have an honest conversation with your partner. Whatever the solution is, it needs to be something that works for both of you and you need to feel safe enough to have that discussion without fear of losing him if he disagrees.
Hope it goes well |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Does he want you to swing with others so he can swing with others? You should never do something you don't want to for the sake of someone else....sometimes in life its ok to be selfish |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Please don't do it just to please him. That's a sure recipe for disaster! And you may love him but maybe it's time to think of you your needs and find someone who feels the same as you. It's better to break as friends than end up arguing and splitting over his lifestyle. |
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"I think it’s probably too early to decide.
Things have changed beyond all recognition for many of us over the last year. Never mind sex, I’d like to meet someone for a cup of coffee except it’s illegal.
When things change again in the next few months, see how you feel about it. The nagging doubt might be strengthened and it will become something you don’t enjoy or maybe you’ll be comfortable doing it again.
The important bits, as said above, is to be true to yourself. The way to do that is to have an honest conversation with your partner. Whatever the solution is, it needs to be something that works for both of you and you need to feel safe enough to have that discussion without fear of losing him if he disagrees.
Hope it goes well "
This! I totally agree, I have noticed my sex drive has gone down loads in the past year but I have no way of knowing if it's something permanent or just a reasonable adjustment to the current situation. Hopefully it's same with you, OP, but once the circumstances are more back to "normal", then have a good look at what you would like. Do you think it would work if your partner was allowed to swing if he wanted to, but you'd only see him? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thanks everyone. I'll talk to him about it, I guess that should be the first step anyway.
I am happy for him to continue playing alone, that's not an issue at all. |
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We don't have to continue doing things in the same way, as our needs can change. It would be unrealistic to expect a relationship to always be the same. It's right though that you determine what you want, rather than another imposing your 'choice' on to you.
When we don't know something for certain, it's often about needing the time that's right for us. |
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"Over the last few weeks, I have been giving some thought to what will happen after the pandemic... and I am leaning more and more towards not wanting to be part of the swingers lifestyle any more. There are several reasons for this: medical issues, safety concerns, total lack of interest in sex. But I guess the bottom line is that my priorities have shifted and I'm just bored with the idea of casual sex now.
However...
I have a partner (we have an open relationship and meet separately, hence the single profile) and he says that this is something he 'needs' in a partner. To be fair, he has been very clear about that from the beginning. I love him and don't want to lose him, so... what do I do? Do I go back to playing even though I am not enjoying it, or do I tell him I don't want to do it any more though it might mean losing him?
It's a horrible situation to be in. "
It sounds as though it is , 'his way or the highway'. Nobody should be held ransom for doing something they no longer want to do i.e. 'If you loved me, you would still do it'. What I am going to say next is going to be hard to digest, what it sounds as though he is doing is coercive control i.e. if you don't swing we aren't going to be partners anymore, which sounds as though he is punishing you for not wanting to swing anymore. Coercive control is a form of Domestic Abuse |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Without sounding harsh, if he loved you as much as you love him he would respect your decision and do what ever makes you happy. If this scene isn't for you anymore then you can't just go along with it for fear of losing him. You have difficult decision to make, please make the decision for yourself and not for someone else's needs. Your a lovely person and if he thought that he would follow you to the ends of the earth. X |
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"Over the last few weeks, I have been giving some thought to what will happen after the pandemic... and I am leaning more and more towards not wanting to be part of the swingers lifestyle any more. There are several reasons for this: medical issues, safety concerns, total lack of interest in sex. But I guess the bottom line is that my priorities have shifted and I'm just bored with the idea of casual sex now.
However...
I have a partner (we have an open relationship and meet separately, hence the single profile) and he says that this is something he 'needs' in a partner. To be fair, he has been very clear about that from the beginning. I love him and don't want to lose him, so... what do I do? Do I go back to playing even though I am not enjoying it, or do I tell him I don't want to do it any more though it might mean losing him?
It's a horrible situation to be in. "
In my opinion this is something you need to sort out between yourselves. If he is completely unable or unwilling to even discuss the possibility of a relationship where you don't meet others (i assume you have no objection to him continuing) then you are left with a stark choice of leaving or doing something you don't want to do. That choice is yours alone to make but I'd advise careful consideration of your self esteem, dignity and pride and how much its worth to you compared to how much its worth to him. |
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"I really can't get my head around why somebody would all but 'endure' something like swinging if they didn't want to do it.
It sounds like a path to misery and a very unhappy relationship
Because I love my partner. We have an awesome relationship and I don't want to lose that."
Do you have to swing ? Or just be fine with him swinging |
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"Thanks everyone. I'll talk to him about it, I guess that should be the first step anyway.
I am happy for him to continue playing alone, that's not an issue at all."
That seems perfectly sensible. He shouldn't have any issues with you not wanting to have sex with somebody when you don't want to. If he requires it then that's really disrespectful but I can't imagine why he would, unless he is controlling (which hopefully he isn't).
If you are happy with him seeing other people as has been the case up to know then I can't see this being something that would end your relationship. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I really can't get my head around why somebody would all but 'endure' something like swinging if they didn't want to do it.
It sounds like a path to misery and a very unhappy relationship
Because I love my partner. We have an awesome relationship and I don't want to lose that.
Do you have to swing ? Or just be fine with him swinging "
He wants me to have sex with other men. I don't completely understand it, but it's a thing that really excites him.
I have absolutely zero issues with him playing with others alone. I would never stop him doing that. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I've just read the op again. Have you discussed this with him at all? "
We have discussed the fact that I have lost interest in sex recently, but not that I want to stop having sex with others. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think it’s probably too early to decide.
Things have changed beyond all recognition for many of us over the last year. Never mind sex, I’d like to meet someone for a cup of coffee except it’s illegal.
When things change again in the next few months, see how you feel about it. The nagging doubt might be strengthened and it will become something you don’t enjoy or maybe you’ll be comfortable doing it again.
The important bits, as said above, is to be true to yourself. The way to do that is to have an honest conversation with your partner. Whatever the solution is, it needs to be something that works for both of you and you need to feel safe enough to have that discussion without fear of losing him if he disagrees.
Hope it goes well "
^ what he said |
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"I've just read the op again. Have you discussed this with him at all?
We have discussed the fact that I have lost interest in sex recently, but not that I want to stop having sex with others."
You're jumping the gun a bit then assuming you know what his reaction will be |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I've just read the op again. Have you discussed this with him at all?
We have discussed the fact that I have lost interest in sex recently, but not that I want to stop having sex with others.
You're jumping the gun a bit then assuming you know what his reaction will be"
It's because he has said several times in the past that he needs a girlfriend who is sexually open and wants to play with others. |
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"I've just read the op again. Have you discussed this with him at all?
We have discussed the fact that I have lost interest in sex recently, but not that I want to stop having sex with others.
You're jumping the gun a bit then assuming you know what his reaction will be
It's because he has said several times in the past that he needs a girlfriend who is sexually open and wants to play with others."
Only he can tell you how he feels now. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I've just read the op again. Have you discussed this with him at all?
We have discussed the fact that I have lost interest in sex recently, but not that I want to stop having sex with others.
You're jumping the gun a bit then assuming you know what his reaction will be
It's because he has said several times in the past that he needs a girlfriend who is sexually open and wants to play with others.
Only he can tell you how he feels now. "
True, maybe things have changed. I will talk to him tonight. |
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"I've just read the op again. Have you discussed this with him at all?
We have discussed the fact that I have lost interest in sex recently, but not that I want to stop having sex with others.
You're jumping the gun a bit then assuming you know what his reaction will be
It's because he has said several times in the past that he needs a girlfriend who is sexually open and wants to play with others.
Only he can tell you how he feels now.
True, maybe things have changed. I will talk to him tonight."
Good luck |
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By *JCouple
over a year ago
Teesside |
"I've just read the op again. Have you discussed this with him at all?
We have discussed the fact that I have lost interest in sex recently, but not that I want to stop having sex with others.
You're jumping the gun a bit then assuming you know what his reaction will be
It's because he has said several times in the past that he needs a girlfriend who is sexually open and wants to play with others.
Only he can tell you how he feels now.
True, maybe things have changed. I will talk to him tonight."
Taking on board what you have said about you loosing your sex drive and your profile saying the same due to medication and everything that's happened this past year has that effected you and your partners sex life with each other?
If it has how has he reacted to that? He reaction may in some way give an idea to how he may feel in regards to you not wanting to sleep with others.
Good luck
KJ |
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"I think it’s probably too early to decide.
Things have changed beyond all recognition for many of us over the last year. Never mind sex, I’d like to meet someone for a cup of coffee except it’s illegal.
I agree with the above. The last year has changed lots of our routines and interests, it's hard to imagine going back to 'normal' but see how you feel when restrictions lift. I don't think doing something you don't enjoy will be easy, and you'll decide what to do if that's what you're feeling
When things change again in the next few months, see how you feel about it. The nagging doubt might be strengthened and it will become something you don’t enjoy or maybe you’ll be comfortable doing it again.
The important bits, as said above, is to be true to yourself. The way to do that is to have an honest conversation with your partner. Whatever the solution is, it needs to be something that works for both of you and you need to feel safe enough to have that discussion without fear of losing him if he disagrees.
Hope it goes well "
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I think it's totally unreasonable to expect you to carry on seeing other Men when you don't want to.
This is not something you should be doing just because HE wants you to, and if he insists then you have to consider how much respect and love he really has for you and consider whether this has run it's course and you now want different things...
Fear of losing him is not a good enough reason to "endure" sex with others when you don't want to.
You are not a performing chimp! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think it's totally unreasonable to expect you to carry on seeing other Men when you don't want to.
This is not something you should be doing just because HE wants you to, and if he insists then you have to consider how much respect and love he really has for you and consider whether this has run it's course and you now want different things...
Fear of losing him is not a good enough reason to "endure" sex with others when you don't want to.
You are not a performing chimp!"
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It is a horrible situation to be in, however it’s your life! If you don’t enjoy it anymore, don’t do it. If your partner really likes you then I’m sure he will respect your decision & stand by you. I hope it works out for you... |
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"If someone was prepared to leave me over the fact I no longer wanted to swing, I'd probably be wondering how much I meant to him in the first place... "
This. I have asked MrD how would he feel if I turned around & said I wasnt keen anymore. He said fine.
I dunno....with covid & me having cancer again.....not sure I really want to return to the lifestyle tbh. Wait & see.
MsD |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Over the last few weeks, I have been giving some thought to what will happen after the pandemic... and I am leaning more and more towards not wanting to be part of the swingers lifestyle any more. There are several reasons for this: medical issues, safety concerns, total lack of interest in sex. But I guess the bottom line is that my priorities have shifted and I'm just bored with the idea of casual sex now.
However...
I have a partner (we have an open relationship and meet separately, hence the single profile) and he says that this is something he 'needs' in a partner. To be fair, he has been very clear about that from the beginning. I love him and don't want to lose him, so... what do I do? Do I go back to playing even though I am not enjoying it, or do I tell him I don't want to do it any more though it might mean losing him?
It's a horrible situation to be in. "
If it helps I had this situation nearly 2 years ago just didnt want to meet with anyone except my partner. He said he d leave. So I gave him the choice. We are still together. Dnt do it if you do not want it. I tried and it nearly broke me because I loved him. Luckily he chose me. If he cares or loves you he will do the same if not then let him go. No matter how painful it is. Good luck. Feel free to message privately if helps |
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You're on medication and have health issues which understandably have meant you've lost your sex drive, yet he still chooses to say he has "needs" regardless.
I think the love part of the relationship is one sided with you loving him and him using you for sex otherwise he'd support you through the tough times your going through
But I guess nobody really fully understands your relationship with him other than you.
Good luck
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
Southern Wales |
Have been following the thread. Hope you’re ok OP. Not sure if you’ve had the chat yet, or how it went, but just wanted to say, please don’t do something you’re not happy doing - not even for love. You are your own person with your own needs.
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By *host63Man
over a year ago
Bedfont Feltham |
"Over the last few weeks, I have been giving some thought to what will happen after the pandemic... and I am leaning more and more towards not wanting to be part of the swingers lifestyle any more. There are several reasons for this: medical issues, safety concerns, total lack of interest in sex. But I guess the bottom line is that my priorities have shifted and I'm just bored with the idea of casual sex now.
However...
I have a partner (we have an open relationship and meet separately, hence the single profile) and he says that this is something he 'needs' in a partner. To be fair, he has been very clear about that from the beginning. I love him and don't want to lose him, so... what do I do? Do I go back to playing even though I am not enjoying it, or do I tell him I don't want to do it any more though it might mean losing him?
It's a horrible situation to be in. "
Have you ever thought that he is simply using you? It's easier for a couple than an single guy to meet in this lifestyle.
If you no longer enjoy it maybe it's time to move on? At least he has been clear what he wants and if he loved you as much as you him, then giving what is after all a leisure pastime would ne no.big deal.
Hard as it is maybe you need to break this off before you become resentful. I think it would be better for your mental well being if you do, as hard as it will be
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thanks for the advice everyone.
I spoke to him last night and it's all good. He's a little disappointed but completely respects my feelings and absolutely does not want me to do anything I am not 100% comfortable doing.
For now, he will continue to play alone (when circumstances allow) and I am happy with that. We have decided that we'll give things six months or so and then see how I feel maybe towards the end of the year. If restrictions lift and I can start seeing friends/doing regular activities again, it will help my depression - and I will hopefully be able to get medical care for the issues and pain that I am experiencing... and maybe my sex drive will come back and my interest will pick back up. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. |
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Thats lovely sounds like honesty being the best policy. Antidepressants and constant pain will definitely not be helping you. Just keep your chin up and things will change. Wishing you all the best and yes i know exactly how you feel. All the best. |
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"Thanks for the advice everyone.
I spoke to him last night and it's all good. He's a little disappointed but completely respects my feelings and absolutely does not want me to do anything I am not 100% comfortable doing.
For now, he will continue to play alone (when circumstances allow) and I am happy with that. We have decided that we'll give things six months or so and then see how I feel maybe towards the end of the year. If restrictions lift and I can start seeing friends/doing regular activities again, it will help my depression - and I will hopefully be able to get medical care for the issues and pain that I am experiencing... and maybe my sex drive will come back and my interest will pick back up. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. "
You are doing the right thing. Look after yourself first and trust that everything else will fall into place. Sending love your way  |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
Southern Wales |
"Thanks for the advice everyone.
I spoke to him last night and it's all good. He's a little disappointed but completely respects my feelings and absolutely does not want me to do anything I am not 100% comfortable doing.
For now, he will continue to play alone (when circumstances allow) and I am happy with that. We have decided that we'll give things six months or so and then see how I feel maybe towards the end of the year. If restrictions lift and I can start seeing friends/doing regular activities again, it will help my depression - and I will hopefully be able to get medical care for the issues and pain that I am experiencing... and maybe my sex drive will come back and my interest will pick back up. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. "
I think that’s a good solution - takes the pressure off you and gives you a chance to see how you feel once time has passed |
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"I've just read the op again. Have you discussed this with him at all?
We have discussed the fact that I have lost interest in sex recently, but not that I want to stop having sex with others.
You're jumping the gun a bit then assuming you know what his reaction will be
It's because he has said several times in the past that he needs a girlfriend who is sexually open and wants to play with others."
It shouldn't be all about what he wants |
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"Thanks for the advice everyone.
I spoke to him last night and it's all good. He's a little disappointed but completely respects my feelings and absolutely does not want me to do anything I am not 100% comfortable doing.
For now, he will continue to play alone (when circumstances allow) and I am happy with that. We have decided that we'll give things six months or so and then see how I feel maybe towards the end of the year. If restrictions lift and I can start seeing friends/doing regular activities again, it will help my depression - and I will hopefully be able to get medical care for the issues and pain that I am experiencing... and maybe my sex drive will come back and my interest will pick back up. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. "
It’s good you have spoken about it with each other. Please just try not to feel too pressured about the outcome of the next 6 months. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"That sounds really good, well done on being brave and facing up to it.
Do you feel better for it?"
Yes, if I am honest it feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Thanks for the advice everyone.
I spoke to him last night and it's all good. He's a little disappointed but completely respects my feelings and absolutely does not want me to do anything I am not 100% comfortable doing.
For now, he will continue to play alone (when circumstances allow) and I am happy with that. We have decided that we'll give things six months or so and then see how I feel maybe towards the end of the year. If restrictions lift and I can start seeing friends/doing regular activities again, it will help my depression - and I will hopefully be able to get medical care for the issues and pain that I am experiencing... and maybe my sex drive will come back and my interest will pick back up. If it doesn't, then it doesn't.
It’s good you have spoken about it with each other. Please just try not to feel too pressured about the outcome of the next 6 months. "
Thank you. I won't, I am just going to focus on myself for a while, and what will be will be. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Well done OP. I am happy to hear you spoke about it to him & were able to honestly share how you feel. Glad to hear his positive response & I wish you both well in whatever you choose to do together or apart in the future.  |
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"Thanks for the advice everyone.
I spoke to him last night and it's all good. He's a little disappointed but completely respects my feelings and absolutely does not want me to do anything I am not 100% comfortable doing.
For now, he will continue to play alone (when circumstances allow) and I am happy with that. We have decided that we'll give things six months or so and then see how I feel maybe towards the end of the year. If restrictions lift and I can start seeing friends/doing regular activities again, it will help my depression - and I will hopefully be able to get medical care for the issues and pain that I am experiencing... and maybe my sex drive will come back and my interest will pick back up. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. "
Aww, well done, O.P.  |
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By *attooCTMan
over a year ago
Glasgow /Swansea |
"Over the last few weeks, I have been giving some thought to what will happen after the pandemic... and I am leaning more and more towards not wanting to be part of the swingers lifestyle any more. There are several reasons for this: medical issues, safety concerns, total lack of interest in sex. But I guess the bottom line is that my priorities have shifted and I'm just bored with the idea of casual sex now.
However...
I have a partner (we have an open relationship and meet separately, hence the single profile) and he says that this is something he 'needs' in a partner. To be fair, he has been very clear about that from the beginning. I love him and don't want to lose him, so... what do I do? Do I go back to playing even though I am not enjoying it, or do I tell him I don't want to do it any more though it might mean losing him?
It's a horrible situation to be in. "
If you don’t want to do something don’t do it babe life is too short to live to make someone else happy |
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