FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Advice from my lovely forum lot
Advice from my lovely forum lot
Jump to: Newest in thread
So we have recently seen a unicorn ( not on this site ) as with all meets I female always do the chatting and arranging as it makes me feel more comfortable and in control. We have had some good meets, they have been with my man and her a bit too over familiar but it’s fine and I went with it as didn’t want to ruin anyone’s fun.
Now considering we speak most days always and she has over 4 ways of contacting me on different mediums is it right for her to slide into his DMs on social media behind my back ?
I understand if she couldn’t get hold of me or something but I just find that off and a bit bad as I’ve already given her the love of my life and she’s not given anything back. What on earth makes it ok to message my partner direct on a social media platform ?
Please tell me I’m not going mad ? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
If it's not been agreed in advance, then I wouldn't tolerate it. If there's a dire emergency, necessitating alternative contact, then I'd potentially accept it but the 2 of you must agree an acceptable contact process. I'd be concerned that your boundaries are being crossed, for a reason. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
It’s a single unicorn and all the chat has been between me and her for the meets but I’ve let her have my man but I wanted to be in control of the chats or arrangements at the end of the day I’m giving her my man and she’s not sharing anything back all good. We had already spoke this day and she felt the need to slide into his DMs to try and tempt him away from
Me, he’s been nothing but honest so has been as good as gold but I’m just upset she’s broken our bond etc x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"It’s a single unicorn and all the chat has been between me and her for the meets but I’ve let her have my man but I wanted to be in control of the chats or arrangements at the end of the day I’m giving her my man and she’s not sharing anything back all good. We had already spoke this day and she felt the need to slide into his DMs to try and tempt him away from
Me, he’s been nothing but honest so has been as good as gold but I’m just upset she’s broken our bond etc x "
Did you make this boundary clear to her from the start? If so in your shoes I'd cut contact and not continue the arrangement. If she wasn't aware of the boundary she might have assumed it was ok. Why did she have his number? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
The main point here, is that your partner was open and told you.
Theres so many different dynamics on here, people are ok with different things as we found out in our early days.
We're now always incredibly clear of what were ok with and what we don't allow.
Hope you guys figure it out.
Mrs. X |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"So we have recently seen a unicorn ( not on this site ) as with all meets I female always do the chatting and arranging as it makes me feel more comfortable and in control. We have had some good meets, they have been with my man and her a bit too over familiar but it’s fine and I went with it as didn’t want to ruin anyone’s fun.
Now considering we speak most days always and she has over 4 ways of contacting me on different mediums is it right for her to slide into his DMs on social media behind my back ?
I understand if she couldn’t get hold of me or something but I just find that off and a bit bad as I’ve already given her the love of my life and she’s not given anything back. What on earth makes it ok to message my partner direct on a social media platform ?
Please tell me I’m not going mad ? "
As the male in a couple, I do most of the fabmin and if we have other forms of contact I usually manage that too. Every message we have and every form of contact we have is open to both of us and always will be. As the male if a female that we were potentially meeting or had already met, tried to contact me separately then I would bring that conversation to an end and we wouldn’t met with that person anymore.
If for some reason she wanted to contact your partner on a 1:1 basis then she should have asked you both if that was ok and you should have all agreed to it. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
 |
By *izzy.Woman 3 weeks ago
Stoke area |
What she has done is not acceptable. She had no right to contact him privately, unless there was some emergency and other ways of contacting you both wasnt possible.
The good news is that your partner made you aware of it. That is so important here.
I think you explain very clearly that this is not what was agreed and not to repeat in future OR stop all contact if you feel she has broken the bond and you can not trust her.
If I was in your position, I would be livid. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
You're not going mad. Discussions should have been held prior to direct contact being made.
The assumption that DMs are ok without group consent is the issue here for me.
You have astonishing areolas BTW |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I’d be fuming. I’d be cross with anyone contacting either of us on social media anyway - keep this part separate from “real life”.
And she’s crossed the line and I would stop contact with her.
She should have asked if it was ok to have a 121 chat.
But it also sounds like it’s not a group chat? Just the two of you? If so that’s fine if everyone is happy with that, but we wouldn’t be so maybe she wasn’t - not excusing it - she should have brought it up if it became an issue for her.
A ramble… |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *WANDTGCouple 3 weeks ago
Borough of Greenwich |
This sort of happened to us with another couple, we didn't meet but had put together a 4 way wattsapp chat. The male half decided to chat to Teresa late at night one to one. Teresa showed me the chat and I just said " can we keep all the chats to this group please " his partner wasn't happy and left the group. As did we. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
This is why we are always very open from the beginning that we chat through an agreed messaging platform as a group.
Even if only two are communicating anyone else in the group can see whats said all open and honest.
That way theres no surprises for anyone. Now we have had occasions where people have tried to contact one of us outside the group, we then explain we dont like to do private chat we chat in the group for reasons above. If its broken again, we cut contact. Its happened a few times. It just tells us they're not the right people for us to be playing with.
In your case if it has been made clear to her and shes still doing it, then we would be cutting contact.
If she hasnt been told then perhaps your husband should tell her? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I think it would depend on what agreements you have in place in regards to contact, and the nature of the conversation.
If it was a brief general chat, if probably be ok with it. If they were discussing a common interest etc.
If they are using it to chat inappropriatly, then clearly not. Did your husband ask her not to contact him via DM?
Lots of different factors to consider. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Half of the battle is that everyone does things slightly differently.
When we did this with couples we always had a group chat and then solo chats as well.
Some couples love it that way, other couples weren't comfortable with it.
Its all about clear communication to make everyone involved aware of the dynamics. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *aandLoCouple 2 weeks ago
Southampton |
It's definitely an individual thing which needs the rules establishing at the outset.
We explicitly say no chat outwith the group. It works for us and doesn't stop filthy, X rated chat. 😈
If you've allowed chat separately it's very difficult to set constraints on what that chat can be. Other than don't try and steal my husband, and if that's how she is, then no rules will stop her. End and block. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"So we have recently seen a unicorn ( not on this site ) as with all meets I female always do the chatting and arranging as it makes me feel more comfortable and in control. We have had some good meets, they have been with my man and her a bit too over familiar but it’s fine and I went with it as didn’t want to ruin anyone’s fun.
Now considering we speak most days always and she has over 4 ways of contacting me on different mediums is it right for her to slide into his DMs on social media behind my back ?
I understand if she couldn’t get hold of me or something but I just find that off and a bit bad as I’ve already given her the love of my life and she’s not given anything back. What on earth makes it ok to message my partner direct on a social media platform ?
Please tell me I’m not going mad ? "
I’m 100% in agreement with you. Contact had only been between you and her and she had 4 ways of reaching you, yet she sought out a way to contact him directly? Why? There was zero reason for her to do that. Being a ‘unicorn’ or third person brought in for a threesome she should tread carefully and be ultra aware of breaking boundaries. Especially as you say she had already made you uncomfortable by being ‘over familiar’ with him.
Honestly, I can’t see this situation improving.. she’s already stepped on your toes and created red flags. Your feelings matter. Look after your emotional well-being and move on from this person. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I would be p****d off. As contact had always been between you and her then there's no need for her to contact your other half. I wouldn't trust her at all, she clearly is up to no good. I would send her a message explaining it all then block her. It's good that your partner told you.
I had similar happen to me, my partner didn't stick to the rules me and him have, he was persuaded to break our rules. It broke my heart and i no longer trust him completly. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *an1978Woman 2 weeks ago
Gwynedd/ Powys Border |
Was she told she was to just be a unicorn?
To be used for sex on your terms?
If it was made clear that all contact was via you, then it is a bit dodgy going outside of that.
I couldn't be in that dynamic other than a one off.
But we are all different.
I would advise to meet as a three to discuss what happened and what you all individually want going forward.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Was she told she was to just be a unicorn?
To be used for sex on your terms?
If it was made clear that all contact was via you, then it is a bit dodgy going outside of that.
I couldn't be in that dynamic other than a one off.
But we are all different.
I would advise to meet as a three to discuss what happened and what you all individually want going forward.
"
But why should the three of them meet to discuss it? Unless the OP and her husband want to continue to meet with the ‘unicorn’, it really isn’t anything to do with her. She was invited in as an extra and isn’t part of the central relationship. What matters is what the OP feels and what’s good for their marriage. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
