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By *db4 OP Man
over a year ago
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The wild haggis (Latin name Haggis Scotia) is a small furry creature, with the unique adaptation to mountain life of having shorter legs on one side of its body than the other. This enables it to run around mountains whilst neither descending nor ascending. Of course, it can only do this in one direction. Whilst this is enough to escape from most natural predators, human hunters soon learned to simply run around the mountain in the opposite direction.
Also, both ends of the haggis look identical, which makes it impossible for a predator to know which way the haggis is going to start to run. Unfortunately, whilst this confuses the predator, it sometimes confuses the haggis and they have been known to sit on their own faces and suffocate themselves. (Mind you, if your face looked like your *rs*, ...)
Hunting the haggis is not easy. It requires stealth. Like the deer stalker, the haggis hunter must be silent, invisible and without odour. Fortunately, while the haggis has incredibly acute senses, these only function over a very narrow range. Therefore the haggis hunter has to be only a bit silent, slightly invisible and a little without odour.
The haggis can hear only certain sounds. By whacking turnips (neeps) with a mallet next to a haggis, it has been proven that the animal does not react to loud noises. However, even a light rustling can make these creatures bolt. The sound the haggis is most sensitive to is that of a golden eagle plummeting towards its target, which by perverse coincidence, is identical to the noise made by plaid rubbing on underpants. Therefore, a haggis hunter who sports underwear will never be successful. Hence the tradition that "true" Scots wear nothing under their kilts.
As far as masking the hunter’s smell is concerned, there is only one substance that can hide the many and various odours of a haggis hunter: whisky. Preferably, the hunter should reek of it. Many ignorant lairds have given their gamekeepers a tongue-lashing for smelling of alcohol and then had to issue a cringing apology after learning this bit of haggis lore.
Finally, the haggis hunter must make himself invisible to his prey. Much like the Tyrannosaurus Rex (a creature to which it is not often compared), the haggis’ eyes are sensitive to movement, but only movement in a straight line. In order to creep up on their prey, haggis hunters must disguise their approach by adopting a shambling, apparently random gait. So, if you encounter a Scot stinking of whisky, shuffling down the street in an ungainly fashion with their kilt flapping round their bare backside, you will now know they are looking for a haggis.
The mating season starts on 25 January, after which it is illegal to hunt the haggis. Most mating attempts are unsuccessful, due to the cold weather. However a successful female will lay hundreds of eggs, which is the only reason that the haggis is not extinct.
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