I DONT MEET,SKYPE,CYBER CHAT,PHONE/TEXT,SEX,KIK,OFFSITE CONTACT

Woman in Portsmouth, South East, UK

Joined: over a year ago
Last on: over a year ago

***I DONT MEET *** seems most if you lot just aint getting it bless ya so here goes - I DO NOT MEET, ***I DETEST CYBER/SEX TALK*** (horny chat late addition coz apparently horny chat doesnt come under the 2 afore mentioned category's :S strewth give me strength :/ I dont care what other terms you wanna use bugger off and find someone who cares ), ***I DONT WANT YOUR SKYPE OR OTHER CAM SITE ADDYS, I DO NOT WANT TO PM OR CAM 2 CAM ,I DONT WANT TO TEXT (SEX TEXT OR OTHER WISE)I DONT WANT ANY CONTACT OFF SITE *** SO KEEP YOUR PHONE NUMBERS-WHATS APP-KIK ADDYS - FACEBOOK ADDYS TO YOURSELVES OR YOU ARE LIKELY TO FIND THEM POSTED ALL OVER PHONEBOXES,TRAIN STATIONS,BUS STATIONS/STOPS IN POMPEY AS WELL AS IN ALL THE BED AND BREAKFAST HOSTELS AND GAY BARS ,AND *** NO I DONT WANT FUN :/ *** ID RATHER PLAY WITH A PACK OF RAZOR BLADES WHILST SAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FAST LANE OF THE M25 or prize my eyes out with a spoon whilst listening to Justin biebers greatest hits (are there any?) On auto repeat :) :D now I have relocated that lot you no longer have to read my boring war and peace profile and let's see if any of you has a modicum of common sense or a reading ability above the kindergsrten stage ;) )

just how thick are you lot??? REALLY!!! ***LOOK I EVEN PUT IT ALL IN PRETTY LITTLE STARS FOR YOU *** ;-) surely even the most stupid of you can understand all of the above! oh and I DO NOT MEET I repeat I DO NOT MEET (this is mainly down to the way a lot of men behave and the way they treat you, if you dont like it tuff blame them and see if you can get your fellow comrade's to clean up their act, if you object to this or the fact I'm only here for chat and banter (in the chat rooms) now then please pass me by and give some other poor cow grief) don't bother wasting your time or life (its short much. Like me :S )

******** I'M HERE FOR CHAT AND BANTER IN THE CHAT ROOMS ********** see, look that says *** WHY IM HERE ***** Oh and I dont owe you anything and I have just as much right to be here as you do (see the huge list of chatrooms, yes look see this is a chat site too :-D

Relationship Status is complicated fed up of keeping changing it so relationship status now stands as complicated and its what ever it is at the time, and that's that :/ take it or leave it :D tough titty if you don't like it ;)

I am here for chat and banter ONLY (in the chat rooms). Any questions then read my soddin profile :/ Now that points made (at least 3 times now :/ )

Welcome to my profile please grab a straight jacket on the way in (and maybe a hard hat and perhaps even a kevelar suit and best find cover)

******* WARNING WARNING WARNING *********

AVOID THIS PROFILE IF YOUR OF A NERVOUS DISPOSITION ;)

exits are here here ^^^ and here

ANY INFORMATION YOU ARE LIKELY TO REQUIRE SHOULD PRETTY MUCH BE COVERD BELOW (OR NOW ABOVE TOO), IF YOU CANT MANAGE TO READ, TAKE IN AND DIGEST SAID INFORMATION MAY I SUGGEST YOU ASK YOUR GUIDE DOG, IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO UNDERSTAND SAID INFORMATION MAY I SUGGEST YOU ASK ANY PASSING 3 YEAR OLD TO TRANSLATE AND EXPLAIN(PLEASE NOTE IN NO WAY DO I CONDONE POUNCING ON RANDOM THREE YEAR OLDS SO YOU BEST MAKE SURE THAT THEY ARE ACCOMPANIED BY AN APPROPRIATE ADULT TO AVOID ARREST AND FUNNY LOOKS) ;)

PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING

1.I REALLY AM NOT INTO MEETING

2.I HAVE NO REAL INTEREST IN YOUNGER MEN AND NEVER REALLY CONSIDER ANYBODY UNDER 30 (Im much more into the older male)

3.I AM NOT IN TO MEN WITH LARGER APPENDAGES it really is no good you waggling it at me or telling me just how good you are and how you can create a flood big enough to drown the Serengeti (I can manage that already ;) Im afraid big appendages really are just not my thing, and no amount of telling me how you can do it for me is likely to get you any closer to my finger hut/beef curtains/badly packed kebab/penis fly trap/juice box/ tampon tunnel/cum bucket(or countless other names for it) :D

4.I AM REALLY NOT INTO CYBER SEX TALK it does nothing for me and im crap at it you would have more fun having your teeth pulled by an orangutang on the high seas at dawn, so please guys dont bother trying it

5.I DO HAVE SKYPE but only add close friends n family, I dont add other ppl as i dont want to be held responsible for cracking your screen or blowing up your computer and really dont fancy being sued for such.

6.I DONT DO PHONE SEX the phone doesnt vibrate fast enough and i couldnt afford the bill it would cost a bloody fortune to bring the whole session to a climax

7.I DONT DO TEXT SEX the buttons are too fookin small and it would take me about 3 years to just text would you like a duck/took/book/ (ducking auto corect)apart from anything else i text slower than a snail in reverse.

8.I DONT DO DOMINANT you have more chance of getting half dozen alley cats to complete a triathlon in a full force hurricane than you have of me doing as I'm told :p

9. I'm only interested in real life but seeing as a large majority of males can't behave themselves then that's kinda killed that one

10. Direct me in the chat rooms at your peril, you are not likely to like the results, if I wanted to be bossed around or told what to to I would train as a seal, please check out the full meaning of the term directing in here coz you try it on me in any form I'm very likely to go for your jugular :/ I'm not sure there are such things as vampire seals and I dont intend becoming the first

Take me for what I am if you dont like it, bugger of and annoy some other poor sod :/

UPDATE:Go and give some other poor bitch grief because you you cant get a shag outa me, Ive done the swinging bit (fair bit of it) now how about laying off of the I shouldnt be on here shit, coz I really cant be arsed wth spoilt little children (coz they cant get thieir leg over, may i remind you this is a chat site too ;) ) :D

NOTE BENE:

If I ever had thought about meeting anybody the following would have applied,I have no real interest in anybody that can't be botherd to converse or get to know me before thinking we I would be likely to meet them for a quick, slow, hot, steamy, daring or any other shag, Thankyou, would be much obliged if under these circumstances you will refrain contacting me for said activity. If I end up meeting at any point so sue me it doesnt mean i wanna meet you so dont ask :/

Oh and guys wading through my war and peace sized profile would perhaps prevent people asking bloody daft questions and maybe stop them copping a strop when I turn them down or when I get real sarcastic cos its all in the bloody profile they didnt bother to read at all or didnt read properly :D (yes I know its hard work guys but probly worth it to avoid sarcasm, bitchyness and thoughts of torture. (Shit hang on that last thought would probly only encourage you, scrub that last one lol)

P.s for anybody that cant quite understand plz re refer too all the points above and the huge chunk at the top

p.p.s Im am not availale 24/7 at the drop of a hat to open my legs when ever you demand, to suck your cock or shag you to death, and definatly not here to engage in a enthralling game of find the chipolata/bratwurst in the hotboogbooga lovemaking/quickshagging Y front factory. Just live with it sunshine ;) ) yes you :P now stop wasting your time giving me grief and go and find someone that will actually shag your brains out:D life too short ffs much like me :D. This all applies on matter what me meet or relationship status are!

F.A.Q

1.Why am I still on this site - Well I'm still here for the chat and banter (oooo that must be at least 4 times now) and I'v realised I can get away with saying almost anything without getting banned from yet another site or getting arrested.Oh and I like annoying the hell out of people :D and ive found people that just about put up with me or ignore me

2. yes I am female - hhmmm well i think im female unless me mum lied to me for may years (and NO! Im not proving it to you,I know im female and thas all that counts :P )

3. do i want a date - no thx most turn out to be prunes rather than dates :D

4. what am i like - hhhmmm short fat and hairy

5. do I like cock cams - bout as much as youd

like to have a vip front row seat at a naked mud wrestling match between Ann Widdicome and Susan boyle.

6.Smaller male - yes that means cock size not to I need a ladder to snog you

7.do I give blow jobs - only if I have my black and decker leaf blower with me and a henry hoover incase you needs more suction.

8.do I want to play - No im crap at tiddly winks, everybody and his dog beats me at trivial persuit and last time I played twister I ended up at A&E for a week and the local vicar had to remove shards of glass from his ars for months :D

9. In the interest of male female relations please guys if asked how you are please refrain from, replying - horny,I got a raging hard on, Id like to put my bobit in your bibet, my ipod needs docking in ur station,my fanny dangler needs to snuggle in your foo foo or anything else similar a simple ok,good,great,fine,or even the cat ate my pet piranha this morning would suffice, any things got to be better than being constantly informed and reminded that your sodding horny. We had kinda guessed that(A) we know that the majority of you face the pre-dick-ament of being horny almost 24/7 we do not need to be informed of the fact, it is factory standard.(B) This may surprise you but you are on a site that deals primarily with sex so If you didnt fit category (A)before then you almost certainly do by now

10.Why am I on here- awww please guys are you really still asking this one sheesh *me facepalms and rolls eyes* please see above under paragraph god know how many sub section 1, chapter n verse or more commonly known as F.A.Q question No.1 entitled why am I still on here in the first sentence, clue is in the title ;) dam perhaps you didn't find the guide dog or a trained monkey :D

and NO! im not soddin meeting :/

11. Do I have a nice ars - how would I know what am I a bloody contortionist :D

12. Can i smash your back doors in and be a right menace - Can i send you to a brain surgeon to see if theres a brain ;)

13. u wana exchange numbers - yes ok mines 666 :/

14. are you wearing a top/clothes, are you naked, what you wearing - are you wearing a brain? :/ do you have an imagination? well then bloody use it :/ If I wanted ppl to know what I am/am not wearing Id be parading around on a bloody catwalk/cam (well catwalk if I were about 20 sizes smaller lol) I am not into constantly showing my bits on cam, you are not gok wan or trinny and suzanne I dont need fashion advice and I quite like looking like coco the clown. im sure you have an imagination :/ kindly use it. If I wanted you to know what I was wearing etc it would be on cam

15. It probably best not to ask what peeps think of your pics as sarcasm and honesty often offend, plz note im note im not great at the old british stiff upper lip crap as starch doesnt taste too good :-D

IF YOU HAVE READ THIS FAR WELL DONE YOUR PROBABLY FEMALE :D

Please feel free to keep checking back for regular updates on the F.A.Qs

What is it with this smacking thing ? What on earth possess you lot into thinking smacking is a nice,pleasent idea?? Would you like your nostril hairs removed individually with an epilator or your gonads shaved with a cut throat? (By the way parkinsons runs thro the family ;) No? Well kindly don't offer to smack me then :/

We all have our likes and dislikes, I state clearly what my choices are If you dislike this feel free to go into a huff but please throw a paddy else where,btw I hope you find your rattle again ;), If you can get past this please feel free to chat and or banter coz ill talk to just about anybody, but i do suggest you leave ur sanity at the door if you wants it still intact, and bring your own anadin extra and a pair of industrial ear muffs for when iv managed to talk you to death :D

on a more serious note though please see below

I AM NOT RACIST IN ANY FORM and I object when I have the race card thrown at my by people of other races or religions simply because I have turned them down, for a start they may have been turned down for there lack of personality, the size of their appendage, the fact they are total twats or the way in which they approach me and or talk to me or just the fact that i just plain dont fancy them or like there attitude, all of the previous and other stuff has nothing to do with creed, colour, race or skin tone so pack it in guys, also can I just say if anyone did turn you down because of your colour/ creed/ race then please just wear it and except you are not there kettle of fish. We cant fancy everybody after all. People cant help who they are or are not attracted to, after all guys you dont usualy here men say you turned me down just cos im ginger/blonde/fat/thin/from the planet zarg (hey hang on arnt most men from the planet zarg though hmmmmm :D). After all we cant fancy the whole world we all have our own likes and dislikes, turn ons (mines rock gods in there spare time and people with a real SOH by the way but shhhhh dont tell anybody ;) and turn offs.

Anyone who hasn't played the race card the serious bit above doesn't apply to you :D

If you cant understand any of the above please re refer to the all points above 12 dozen times or the trained monkey the 3 year old child or the guide dog, failing that try and commit short sharp attempt at harry curry :), much obliged and thanking you kindly :D have a nice day and missing you already ;) When or If you have fully read and totally digested my profile please put treacle bum or spotted dick in following correspondence so I know your as nuts as I am :D

ffs guys your still not quite getting this, I,M HERE FOR CHAT AND BANTER (hhmmm is that 5 times now,ive lost count) - why? just to piss you off course :/

It has to be real life or nothing for me as I have less imagination than a drowned kipper so kindly knock it off with the cybersex chat, the requests for phone chat, the requests for skype/msn etc or any other form of contact :/

My ex dragged me on here and Iv stayed cos I,ve worked out I can piss you off by doing none off the above of obviously :S

p.s. you might be advised if your of a sensative nature to avoid any profiles written whilst the author has pmt/pms or is in full bitch mode :D

p.p.s how many more times NO I DONT FOOKIN MEET GRRRRRRRRRR

P.P.P.S If you have read my profile and still are asking me to meet( seriously how the fook have you not got the message) It tells me a combination of several possible things about you, 1. you cant take no for an answer 2. you think my opinions/feelings and what I want counts or matters and all that matters to you is you and you getting what you want, now why the hell would any woman want to see a man like that??? 3.either that or your down right stupid or plain blind. You know what Id rather date the trained monkey (no intimate contact of course but will share a bun at the chimps tea party :D ) then see men like you, why do you think so many women have stopped meeting huh? 4. you havnt had enough respect/manners to read the profile- FFS its all in the heading and first paragraph man how can you miss it

Have a nice day ;)

menace

54 years old, Straight

5'2" 157cm
Large
Non smoker
Social drinker
No tattoos
3 or 4 piercings

Looking For

Men
Aged from 20 to 66 only
Won't meet smokers

Meeting

Cannot accommodate
Can travel

Interests

Adult Parties, Safe Sex, Toys

Verified Genuine Profile

*ho537 (44), Man on 24 April 2016 by Webcam:
Well, the Pokemeisteriss is hilarously funny to chat too in the room. Funny and flirty on cam, she chugs back drink too. If she's in the room, it illuminates!!

*umpty68 (55), Man on 27 November 2015 by Webcam:
have chatted with public for a few weeks now and wow what a sexy sassy lady. treat her with respect and you in for a giggle online.

*iggles51 (66), Man on 10 October 2015 by Webcam:
What a lady lived up to her profile and in spite of herself was great fun and still want to meet her.

*pforitAl (74), Man on 24 June 2015 by Webcam:
Have met and this person is safe n sound and a great laugh to be around

*ony4u (54), Man on 27 February 2015 by Webcam:
This is a lovely lady makes me lol all the time had a good time on cam hope to have loads more times kisskiss

*onicZ (35), Man on 30 January 2015 by Webcam:
We've known each other for years and she introduced me to this site

*abulousFozzie (56), Man on 3 November 2014 by Webcam:
This girl is a credit to Fab, honest, genuine and sexy and what a laugh you have when you chat to her, honoured to have her as one of my mates and she can play a good tune on her guitar. see you soon honey and keep smiling. Steve xxxx

*andit7 (47), Man on 12 September 2014 by Webcam:
Meet this lovely lady while in chat room tonight very, its been a while since i had an interesting meaningful web chat. She is funny and sassy.. Hope to speak again.

*ob1960 (63), Man on 4 May 2014 by Meeting in person:
Have met pixie a cpl of times now she is sexy and fun to be with ..though shy at q's xxx hope to see more of her xxx

*ighbridge69 (55), Man on 14 September 2013 by Meeting in person:
Met Pixie and her bf last night and I can honestly say that underneath that seemingly shy exterior is an extremely NOT shy pixie! Treat her well and she will delight you. :-) x