Straight outta muthaflipping Trumpton!

TV/TS in South East, South East, UK   Tick

Joined: over a year ago
Last on: 1 hour ago

NO STUPID BEARDS. NO CURVY, OVERWEIGHT, AMPLE, ROTUND, CHUBBY OR 'FABULOUS' PEOPLE. Just my preference. I am attracted to healthy people who eat well, excercise, and respect their bodies. Disclaimer: I'm not setting out to offend anyone who identifies as any of the above descriptions. I just have no interest in meeting any of you. And yes, that includes you, bearded average guy.

If you are offended by this profile, that is your problem. If you think I am a precocious shit, that is also your problem. If you don't understand the big words in my profile text, good. I am determined to filter out the nefarious reprobates, crooked illegitimates, and low level primates via use of annoying dialogue.


Here's a hilarious text-book example of how NOT to make first contact with me:

Brocktopuss: That mouth open for cocks?

Me: At this time of day, it generally only opens to insult the 'cocks' that think a dumb-arse cheesy one-liner will somehow pique my interest, when they clearly haven't read my profile.

"Fuck off you sad little average man!"

Then it closes again, and I get on with chatting to intelligent people.

Brocktopuss: Hahaha. Your venomous attitude isn't fooling anyone, you pathetic, lonely piece of shit. Have fun dying alone.



FIRST UP: My personal preference is NO BEARDS. NO OVERWEIGHT OR AVERAGE PEOPLE. I (almost) always block people that fit the above description. In fact, I regularly block people who post photos that offend my eyeballs, regardless of if they have made contact with me.

Race and ethnicity are not an issue to me. If you are hot, you are hot...

However, religion and right wing politics are of zero interest to me, so if you dabble or immerse yourself in God or the Daily Fail, please just walk on by. Racists and Brexiteers alike can f*ck right off.

SECOND UP: To clarify point one, for those who missed THE BIG CAPITAL LETTERS; If you class yourself as overweight, rotund, chubby, big built etc then I am not interested in hearing from you. If you don't class yourself as overweight, rotund, chubby, big built etc, but you look like you are packing extra pork in your profile pictures, then I am also not interested.

THIRD UP: I have no interest in being moulded, trained or bribed to be something that you fantasise about. Do not message suggesting this. I am already SUPER HOT. If you don't like my style, or take issue with my shy mouse-like persona, then you can SHOVE IT UP YOUR MASSIVE MUTHAFLIPPING PIE HOLE!

FOURTH AND FINAL UP: Unless I am elsewhere and contact you, then I am only looking for people who live in and around the Sussex area who can accommodate. Slim fit TGirls, M/F Couples, and toned tall men to the front of the queue. Tourists to the back, unless they have a hotel and are also SUPER HOT!

Rigghhht... now that's all off my chest, please read on...


ABOUT ME: Recently decommissioned cake vigilante/ double biscuit agent seeks dreamy model types for mutual uphill gardening and character construction/ deconstruction sessions. Must have own tupperwear set, complete V2 rocket manual, four packets of AA batteries, and rubber soled shoes. Cute demeanour, Grade 1 buttocks, a modicum of class, and sense of humour are absolutely essential.

I am, and by that I mean me, that is. I for the most part, am/ is/ will be human and smooth, with a slim figure and a nice bum (we DON'T talk about the animal part anymore - especially on a full MOOOoooooooooooooooooon!).

I have blue eyes. My skeletal frame holds me at a cool 5'10 without feet extensions and my hair colour is always subject to change, especially so if you buy me your dream GF outfit to wear. I am naturally submissive in a two-girl rhumba, boy-girl tango scenario. Although my wrestling skills are limited, my knowledge of kung-fu is second to none.

IMPORTANT: People with photographic images of their persona will be those most likely to inspire a response. I will only accept 'no photo' excuses from members of lost amazonian tribes who have yet to encounter a mobile phone with built-in camera.

SEVEN UP: If i am in online, and you are somewhere on the other side of the globe, including the lost undersea city of Liverpool, please don't think i will want to chat with you (or the evil mer-men who are holding you captive - note: try not to sit for too long or they will feed you fish fingers).

Beki Xxxx

POLITE NOTE: Men... I WILL NOT HELP YOU TO 'LOSE YOUR CHERRY'! If you think there is a chance that will happen because you saw it in a porno movie, then you are both delusional and stupid. Anybody who messages me asking for this or similar will be ignored/ laughed at/ insulted depending on my mood at the time.

WARNING:Any institutions or individuals, or institutionalised individuals, using this site or any of its associated sites for studies or projects; You DO NOT have permission to use any of my exceptionally HOT profile or mouth-wateringly SEXY pictures in any form or forum both current and future and past, if you have access to an H.G Wells style time machine device. If you have or do, and use it to spy on me while i am whacking off in my stockings, it will be considered a violation of my privacy and will be subject to legal ramifications. It is recommended that other members post a similar notice to this, or you may copy and paste this one if you have no humour of your own.

NB. In all seriousness, my photos are my own. Steal them, sell them or try and pass them off as your own and i will deploy my crack team of trained chimpanzees to hunt you down, jam bananas in your eye sockets, and exterminate your sad little ass.


35 years old, Bisexual

5'11"  180cm
Non smoker
Social drinker
No tattoos
No piercings

Looking For

Couples (MF) Couples (MM) Couples (FF) Men Women TV/TS
Aged from 18 to 45
Will meet smokers


Cannot accommodate
Can travel


Adult Parties, Anal, Blindfolds, Cross-dressing, Cuckolding, Dogging, DP, Gangbangs, Group Sex, Making Videos, Oral, Rimming, Role Play, Safe Sex, Same Room Swapping, Separate Room Swapping, Soft Swing, Swingers Clubs, Taking Photos, Threesomes, Toys, Voyeurism, Webcams

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Verified Genuine Profile

*uyrimz (31), Man on 12 July 2021 by Meeting in person:
Had such a fun time, great body, soft hands. I couldn’t ask for more. Made my weekend x

*eadub69 (54), Man on 12 January 2021 by Meeting in person:
This was a first meet and would definitely entertain another. Fabulous body, gorgeous and sexy dress sense, great fun to be with and knows how to treat a guy.