I'm lost. Someone take me home please lol

Man in Chelmsford, South East, UK

Joined: over a year ago
Last on: 15 hours ago

American lad now in Essex. Pretty much up for most things. Have no patience for time wasters. And for those of you who are curious I'm not Asian, I have Puerto Rican heritage which is a Hispanic Caribbean USA

Things I've noticed from fab:

1) People who are a 6 or lower demanding to only meet a 10 lol

2) People who put up a status to say they're leaving fab but still on a week later (attention seeking...)

3) Pics of barebacking with lots of random cocks. Did I miss something about STDs no longer around...

4) Stop telling everyone about your financial problems on fab. Maybe get off your phone and find another source of income.

5) If you're complaining that you can't get impregnated by men from fab then you have bigger problems...

6) Can guys just stop pretending to be in a couple and arranging meets with me. I'm not falling for shes on her way, watching her neighbours cat, etc.

7) Women who say they are looking for a dom, but list out 20 things they won't do or not into. If your list is that long then you're not looking for a dom.

8) Some people's idea of a social is to go out for some £200 evening with no expectation of sex that evening. Sorry do I have sucker written on my forehead lol.

9) Profiles who demand that you attach a face pic with your message but don't have any pics available themselves.

10) People who say to write random words in the subject of their message as proof you have read their profile. F**k it, I'll join in too. Please write the word Logophobia in the subject when messaging me. Have fun googling that.

11) Saying no time wasters please. Guess if you don't say this on your profile implies you will tolerate them.

12) People who say no Asian or Black people. You're missing out, trust me.

13) People are always going to moan on here. There are always going to be people who moan about others moaning on here. Does this make me one of them now. Think I've just found myself in a paradox...

14) When people put in their status "no limit" phone sex. Well you've just limited sex to only through a phone.

15) People talk about how many unread messages they have to go through as if it's a dick measuring contest.

16) If I see one more status that says anything along the lines of stimulate my brain first, I'm just going to send a worded maths problem.

17) Why do people complain about others not reading their profile or can't understand? Not that difficult to understand. Some people just want a good fuck and not have to read an autobiography.

18) Really for any guys who 5'11" who always only just miss out on that 6 football threshold that is placed on a pedestal (ironically).

If your profile seems like any of the following, your not for me:

"White men only. Sorry not racist, just not into Black, Asian, Hispanic, or any other ethnicity. BBCs are welcomed. Not only do you have to be white, but you also have to be straight. That means no meeting or even interested in TS. In fact if you ever seen another cock you're pretty much gay. Trust me, we will know once we see you. Also, we don't travel or accom so just figure it out. We also have to meet up at a Michelin star restaurant first for a social to see if there's any connection because that is important. Dont worry though, we're not looking for anything serious. However, we want someone regularly. So you must be available every Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday evening. Also looking for someone dominant, but not too much. I dont appreciate being controlled by someone. Yes, I know my pelvis looks like the forbidden forest in Howard's, but I dont like men with a single body hair. You also can't live more than 7.63 miles away"

Congratulations, you've made it this far into my profile. For those low comprehension skills and think I'm miserable, this passage is meant to be satire towards this website.

I really want to see how long I can make this list. Let me know if there's anything else I can add.

34 years old, Straight

5'9" 175cm
Athletic
Non smoker
Social drinker
Some tattoos
No piercings

Looking For

Not looking for single guys
Couples (MF) Couples (FF) Women TV/TS
Aged from 18 to 50
Will meet smokers

Meeting

Cannot accommodate
Can travel

Interests

Adult Parties, Anal, Dogging, DP, Gangbangs, Group Sex, Making Videos, Oral, Rimming, Threesomes, Toys

Verified Genuine Profile

*ookingtobelicked (34), Woman on 1 August 2022 by Meeting in person:
Met this naughty guy last night I was on the phone to Daddy waiting for him to meet me in my car in a car park with my legs open already playing. He turned up just expecting me to suck his dick but when I saw it I wanted him inside me. He done everything we asked and was a real genuine good looking guy with a sexy American accident that made my noonie tingle when he spoke naughty to me. Don’t miss out on his tasty cock xx