 |
By *oy tryer OP Man 27 weeks ago
Milton Keynes |
Hi all.
I am looking for women to talk to regarding mine and my wife's situation. Sorry men, and I appreciate any offers but I have issues expressing myself properly to males.
We have been married 13 years and are only sexually intimate 2-3 times a year. She is asexual and has little-no interest in anything to do with sex. I am the complete opposite and struggle to not think about. Everything in our relationship other than this is great and we compliment each other perfectly, it's just this is a huge thing for me and I struggle to be happy with everything else as this weighs on me.
I feel I may be happy enough to not let it put a downer on the rest of our life if I was to be having sex 2-3times a month rather than year but I am wondering if that is just wishful thinking and that I am just that kind of person who can't truly enjoy moments.
Anybody else experience anything similar in their relationships that may be able to provide some wisdom?
We have tried talking about sex but she doesn't want to and told me that I need to deal with this as it's a me issue that she can't help with.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
May I ask if you knew she was asexual before you married her?
I mean she is asexual I don't know what you want people to say. If sex is really important to you then you have choices but ultimately they are upto you and your wife to figure out the situation and what you both can live with. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *oy tryer OP Man 27 weeks ago
Milton Keynes |
"Your marriage needs and deserves professional help, not well meaning amateurs on a sex website."
Thanks. We have looked into that but unfortunately as it's to do with sex she really doesn't want to.
I know this site isn't for professional help but I have some ideas but none of them are very good so I'm hoping other peoples experiences may shed a better light maybe. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *oy tryer OP Man 27 weeks ago
Milton Keynes |
"May I ask if you knew she was asexual before you married her?
I mean she is asexual I don't know what you want people to say. If sex is really important to you then you have choices but ultimately they are upto you and your wife to figure out the situation and what you both can live with. "
Thanks. No unfortunately this is something that progressed over the years and then ultimately came to light that it's how she feels/is. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
If she doesn't want to have sex and thinks it's your issue, will she let you look for sex elsewhere op?. It's worth asking, she can only say yes or no.
If not & she won't go for counselling either, you have to decide if you can stay in the marriage long term, if sex is still important to you op. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *oy tryer OP Man 27 weeks ago
Milton Keynes |
"If she doesn't want to have sex and thinks it's your issue, will she let you look for sex elsewhere op?. It's worth asking, she can only say yes or no.
If not & she won't go for counselling either, you have to decide if you can stay in the marriage long term, if sex is still important to you op. "
I am worry that it may be too important to me to be happy to live without if that makes sense. I am terrified that once that cats out of the bag she'll just think that I'm gonna leave her one day any.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"If she doesn't want to have sex and thinks it's your issue, will she let you look for sex elsewhere op?. It's worth asking, she can only say yes or no.
If not & she won't go for counselling either, you have to decide if you can stay in the marriage long term, if sex is still important to you op.
I am worry that it may be too important to me to be happy to live without if that makes sense. I am terrified that once that cats out of the bag she'll just think that I'm gonna leave her one day any.
"
I think you need to sit down and openly explain what affect this is having on you.
Reassure her that you don't want to leave her and aren't looking for that, but you have needs and you're not prepared to go without sex or intimacy for the rest of your life.
See can you meet people for sex if its all done discreetly, then she doesn't have to do things she doesn't want to either.
It's not really fair to expect you to never have sex again, you're still young. Same as it's not fair for her to have to have sex if she really doesn't like it.
Communicate and see if there's some sort of compromise you can reach. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *oy tryer OP Man 27 weeks ago
Milton Keynes |
"If she doesn't want to have sex and thinks it's your issue, will she let you look for sex elsewhere op?. It's worth asking, she can only say yes or no.
If not & she won't go for counselling either, you have to decide if you can stay in the marriage long term, if sex is still important to you op.
I am worry that it may be too important to me to be happy to live without if that makes sense. I am terrified that once that cats out of the bag she'll just think that I'm gonna leave her one day any.
I think you need to sit down and openly explain what affect this is having on you.
Reassure her that you don't want to leave her and aren't looking for that, but you have needs and you're not prepared to go without sex or intimacy for the rest of your life.
See can you meet people for sex if its all done discreetly, then she doesn't have to do things she doesn't want to either.
It's not really fair to expect you to never have sex again, you're still young. Same as it's not fair for her to have to have sex if she really doesn't like it.
Communicate and see if there's some sort of compromise you can reach. "
I would never expect her to have sex if she didn't want to which is why it's been so little. You're pretty much confirming the thoughts I've been having but I feel like a bit of an arsehole tbh. Like I'm giving up the rest of our great life because I can't get set.  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
You are very young to be expected to live a sexless life.
It's a real dilemma as you love your wife of course.
What you haven't mentioned is, do you have children. I have heard of women who go off sex after giving birth. Maybe it's a biological thing, sounds harsh but maybe there's some kind of biological thing in some women that there is a natural sexual urge in order to reproduce and once fulfilled it dies down, either temporarily or for longer.
Possibly the new role of motherhood keeps her too busy and tired.
And even if you two have had no children, possibly work pressures or just general pressures are making her too tired or are pre-occupying her?
The worst scenario being she has gone off you sexually over time.
If you have tried having the conversation but feel she is also avoiding talking about it, then I believe there is some issue and she is as such avoiding the discussion and suppressing it altogether. My thought process is that someone only avoids something, ie not talking about it as they do actually know that deep down it does need addressing.
It's all very tricky. As you say, once the cat is out of the bag about it having an element of endangering a continuation of the marriage, yeah, what to do.
You joining a swingers site without her knowledge is fine from the point of view that you do not want to hurt her.....but.
Let's be frank, imagine you get the offer of sex here....and come to enjoy it....then what. Your dilemma will surely just get worse or not? As such, what to do indeed?
I fear that ladies who are here seeking sex may not be the ones to give you answers that help????
That isn't meant offensively to anyone by the way.
I wonder whether a GP may be able to signpost to any organisations or therapists you could see even just by yourself in order to see if they have ideas how you might get your wife to join you in any therapy sessions.
Your wife may well associate the word therapy with ' something is wrong' and less advice in order to find out why her sex drive has declined over time. Hence she doesn't want to talk to a therapist.
You feel uncomfortable talking to men, she feels uncomfortable talking to anyone. Wow....tricky.
The thing is, sooner or later this is sure to cause issues unless you were to decide to knock sex on the head.
Maybe there are ladies here who can help, however, what about a friend of your wife's that you might be able to confide in?
I think you realise the options open to you but are fearful to grab the bull by the horns.
I naturally understand you are in a dilemma and don't want to hurt your wife or bring any element of insecurity into the marriage, but if this continues and God forbid you do end up going separate ways one day, what a dreadful waste of each others time inbetween.
As already stated, you asking for advice here demonstrates how much this is all dwelling on your mind and holding you down in actually moving forward. Naturally you are hoping for anonymous help here. I do hear you, but....
I sincerely wish you luck. 
I guess if you manage to resolve this and by that I mean find a solution that keeps the marriage upright, it would be of great value to hear about.
I am sure you are not alone in this, there will be countless men in your situation as indeed women who are suffering the same problem.
As I say, I sincerely wish you luck.  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
