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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: 1.50
Chicken Sandwich: 2.50
Hand Job: 10.00
Checking his wallet for the right money, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three stunningly attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "How can I help you?"
"I was just wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."
The man replies, "Well wash your bloody hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night, she was 60 yrs old and she looked pretty hot and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit (well more than a bit), we had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever had a "sportsman double"? "Whats that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. "Oh," I said as my mind began to embrace the idea. "No, I haven't." And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place and walked in hoping for the best night of my life. She puts on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake |
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By *araMan
over a year ago
n abbey |
Mick thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maids outfit and a policewoman's uniform, he finally decided....... If she can't hold down a feckin job she's not for me ! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That's it!" she stormed, "I can't compete with you and your 80's rock music. I'm leaving you. I've met someone new."
"No! Who is it?!" I shouted.
"He's called Tommy and he's not in the least bit obsessed with Bon Jovi!"
"Tommy?" I said, "He used to work on the docks." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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a sons mother say's to his wife just after giving birth to there new son "forgive me for been rude but your baby doesnt look anything like my son" with that the women lifts up her skirt and say's "forgive me for been rude but this is a fanny not a fucking photo copier" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex," my wife screamed at me. "I'm really disappointed."
"You can hardly blame me," I answered. "It's not like I was getting any from you."
"Well that's your fault," she replied. "You never told me you were willing to pay for it." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over £1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of €2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Ireland decided to conduct their own study. The Irish didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around €75.00, the Irish study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An Irish man is sitting at a bar drinking.
A flamboyant man comes up to him and asks, "can i give you a blow job?"
The Irishman stands up and punches the gay man.
The bar tender comes over and asks, "Why did you hit that guy?"
The Irish man replied, "He said somethin' about me gettin a job" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two gay men decide to get themselves chased by the police for a laugh. So one of them offers to beef a copper, and promptly they are chased by two burly policemen, who are very pissed off. Soon they arrive at a two way junction.
They decide to split up, so one runs to the right and escapes, and the other one ends up in an alleyway with a dead end. Fearing a shit kicking, he jumps into a bin, and pulls the lid over his head. 2 minutes later the police run in and one of them pulls out his truncheon.
"Right, ya poofy wee bastard! If I find you I'm gonny ram this truncheon right up yer arse!"
"I'm in here!!!"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man walks into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat. He goes up the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat."
The unlikely trio find a table, sit down and drink their drinks. Next, it's the ostrich's round. He walks up to the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat." Then the ostrich takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them. When it comes to the cat's turn to buy a round, he simply tells his pals to "Sod off!"
So the man goes back to the bar and asks for another two beers and a whisky.
Impressed at his generosity, the barman says: "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why do you hang out with him?"
The man replies: "I once helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish, which landed me with the cat and the ostrich forever."
"What did you wish for?" enquires the barman.
"A long-legged bird with a tight pussy" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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got on the train yesterday morning and a beautiful thai bird sat opposite me.
I thought to myself, don't get a hard on but she did.
Am sat in A&E typing this because the dyson ball cleaner is not what i thought it was................ |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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So I went to a Fortune Teller last week. She studied my hand and said "you've been masturbating". I said. "hey you are good . Can you tell me anything about my future?" . She looked at my face and said . "you'll be doing it for a fuckin long time son |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"i do enjoy reading the jokes - especially jackelaines - they are funny /"
thanks John 
I wrapped my wifes present and put a big bow on top before handing it to her.
She was so excited as she ripped the paper of it, then when she opened the box she said, "It's empty."
"I know. Happy birthday darling. I asked you what you wanted and you said nothing. The least I could do was wrap it up." |
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