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jokes again

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.

She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed."

So I planted a kilo of in her suitcase.

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By *abloBackMan  over a year ago

London

Question at checking in "has anyone unknowingly to you packed or tampered with your suitcase?"

Er, how would I possibly know?

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

That reminds me of some of the more daft entry questions asked at US border control, for example:

Have you ever been, or are likely to be, engaged in terrorist activities?

~ Like you're really going to say, "Yup, let loads off in my time and I'm on a recon mission now, hence the reason for my visit." Stupid buggers.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

A man was arrested at heathrow after the dismembered body of a woman was found in his suitcase.

Who said a man can't pack

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

My mrs was upset yesterday because i asked a few of my mates to "Bring a load of beers to the barbecue."

Or her mums cremation, as she put it

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Tampax have just announced they're bringing out a Gold Tampon.

Just for the Olympic period.

Lmfao !!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

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By *enithWoman  over a year ago

closer than you think

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other.. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her..

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge. . .

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. "

The guys thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"Tampax have just announced they're bringing out a Gold Tampon.

Just for the Olympic period.

"

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By *ushroom7Man  over a year ago

Bradford

Husband and wife are playing golf together, everything is going well until the Par 4 13th where the guy hooks his tee shot into an adjoining garden. On searching for the ball he notices it is lying inside a garden hut.

"Here love", he says to his Mrs "If you'll just hold the door open i think i can get my 7 iron to it and get it back on the fairway." So she does, the guy strikes the ball which sadly strikes his wife on the temple and kills her.

The usual services and grieving take place.

Some months later, the guy is playing in the Monthly Medal and would you believe it, he hooks his ball into the same garden.

His playing partner on seeing the ball inside the same hut says "Here, if i just hold this door open you may get a swing to it and get it back in play."

"No way" says the guy, "the last time i did that i took an 8"

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By *erkshireMan123Man  over a year ago

Devizes

I went to see Frankie Boyle in Bristol last night - not sure I can repeat any of his jokes on here though lol

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By *aldybiMan  over a year ago

Shrewsbury


"That reminds me of some of the more daft entry questions asked at US border control, for example:

Have you ever been, or are likely to be, engaged in terrorist activities?

~ Like you're really going to say, "Yup, let loads off in my time and I'm on a recon mission now, hence the reason for my visit." Stupid buggers."

I remember reading that that George Bernard Shaw arrived in the USA for a speaking tour and was confronted with the question: "Do you intend to overthrow the Government of the United States by force or violence?".

He answered: "Sole purpose of visit"

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

I've just bought a border collie.

The one I already had wasn't bored enough.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Apparently there was an embarrassing incident at the Olympic Women's football match between North Korea and Colombia.

Women playing football.

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By *anda man.Man  over a year ago

Stockport

Armed police will be on duty during the Olympics...Unarmed police will be on duty at the paralimpics.

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By *Ryan-Man  over a year ago

In Your Bush


"Armed police will be on duty during the Olympics...Unarmed police will be on duty at the paralimpics."

Pmsl harsh but funny

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Women always say that sex with me is quite a revelation - well - Revelation 22:12 to be exact - 'Behold I come quickly...!'

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By *lassic1Man  over a year ago

bellshill


"That reminds me of some of the more daft entry questions asked at US border control, for example:

Have you ever been, or are likely to be, engaged in terrorist activities?

~ Like you're really going to say, "Yup, let loads off in my time and I'm on a recon mission now, hence the reason for my visit." Stupid buggers.

I remember reading that that George Bernard Shaw arrived in the USA for a speaking tour and was confronted with the question: "Do you intend to overthrow the Government of the United States by force or violence?".

He answered: "Sole purpose of visit"

"

Angela Merkel flew into Paris, Pasport control asks ...Nationality? "German".....Occupation? "No its just a short visit"

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

RAC's new free onward travel is absolutely amazing,

Your car's still fucked but now you're even further away from home.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What about 'fire exits'....they're on the way out aint they

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

D*unk Taster

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director was in urgent need of looking for a

replacement. A d*unkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position..

The director of the factory wondered how to send

him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink.

He tried it and said, ''It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured

in steel containers.''

''That's correct'', said the boss. Another glass.

''It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south-

western slope, oak barrels.''

''Correct.'' A third glass.

''It's champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the d*unk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

''It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third

month. And if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father!''...

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Apparently the woman killed under a cliff in Dorset was running for local councillor.

Her opponent won by a landslide.

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By *etillanteWoman  over a year ago

.

Bollywood is to release a new musical about the life of an Indian coal miner and his struggle to keep clean. It is called Dirty Dan Singh

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn't let me in.

I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?"

"Yes honey."

"What is it?"

"It's the date of our anniversary."

Bitch.

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By *abloBackMan  over a year ago

London

Asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday

" a spa would be nice " she says " ok " i replied jabbing her three times on the nose before flooring her with a cheeky little right hook

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