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sexless marriage
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i have been married for over 20 years and have had major issues with lack of sex with my wife, who I might add is very attractive. After we were going out together and we had an amazing sex life she told me that this is the honeymoon stage and not to expect it to last. Being head over heels in love with her I did not see how/why it would change
has led to my depression and now i am looking at dating sites that women who are in the same sexless relationship are on. This is the last thing that i want to do but i can see no alternative.I have spoken about this on many occasions but the end result is always the same, she has no sex drive. Sex is an important part of a relationship and if it is taken away then it hurts. Yes i have been to see her therapist and spoken to him about this matter as well as telling him that he can tell her everything that i have spoken about to him if he feels that it would help the situation. She no longer sees him now so that avenue has gone. I understand that not all couples have a continuous "healthy" sex life but we have gone over a year without making love. Yes i do help her with household chores (and have done ever since we got together) Yes i do love her. yes i am there for her when she has issues and yes i do tell her that she is beautiful. She tells me that she does not like to initiate the first move but when i do there is always a reason that she is not in the mood. I do not expect sex for helping her around the house. I believe that sex is part and parcel of being married. I have no idea where to go from here other than looking for the intimacy that i miss so much elsewhere. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Communication is the key x
Apparently |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i have been married for over 20 years and have had major issues with lack of sex with my wife, who I might add is very attractive. After we were going out together and we had an amazing sex life she told me that this is the honeymoon stage and not to expect it to last. Being head over heels in love with her I did not see how/why it would change
has led to my depression and now i am looking at dating sites that women who are in the same sexless relationship are on. This is the last thing that i want to do but i can see no alternative.I have spoken about this on many occasions but the end result is always the same, she has no sex drive. Sex is an important part of a relationship and if it is taken away then it hurts. Yes i have been to see her therapist and spoken to him about this matter as well as telling him that he can tell her everything that i have spoken about to him if he feels that it would help the situation. She no longer sees him now so that avenue has gone. I understand that not all couples have a continuous "healthy" sex life but we have gone over a year without making love. Yes i do help her with household chores (and have done ever since we got together) Yes i do love her. yes i am there for her when she has issues and yes i do tell her that she is beautiful. She tells me that she does not like to initiate the first move but when i do there is always a reason that she is not in the mood. I do not expect sex for helping her around the house. I believe that sex is part and parcel of being married. I have no idea where to go from here other than looking for the intimacy that i miss so much elsewhere."
That’s such a sad situation and I have some experience of a sexless relationship and know how damaging it can be.
I hope you can find an acceptable resolution soon, life is far too short |
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Been there. Things I wish I had known - and these are things I look back on in my marriage so may not be relevant to you.
Its not really the sex that's the issue, its feeling not wanted. I'm guessing that there is still affection and physical contact but only of the sort that would also be shared with say a grandchild? It is that ability to show her that you still fancy her, to feel in return that you are the man she wants for who you are, not just for what you provide (even if that is only familiarityand comfort).
Tell her where you are, not just say that you're unhappy but be open and say if it doesn't change you will start looking elsewhere. This will no doubt cause a major upset that may take time to settle but stick to your guns. For this situation to develop she will have had years of expecting you to just accept the situation and will have become used to that being the case. If anything can be changed it will only start with her wanting to change and she will only want to of she understands what is at stake.
Again, it isn't really the sex, that is a symptom not a cause, so when you tell her, don't make it about the sex. Yes, you may look for what is missing by having sex with others but trust me you won't find it in sex - or at least not for very long. You don't need to have a high sex drive to come up behind your spouse and grab their bum with a little growl of appreciation, or slip your hands inside their top for the feel of their skin as you cuddle. You don't need a working libido to notice your partner is kissing your kneck at tilt your head to make it easier for them and show your enjoyment. Little things like this are all it takes to make each other feel wanted - and are the best way to revive a libido.
Ultimately though she may turn around and say she is incapable of being like that, or at least sees no point in trying - at least though you will have given her the option.
Good luck.
Mr |
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By *orthern StarsCouple
over a year ago
Durham, North Yorkshire and can travel |
You seem to have 2 threads going so I've replied in both.
You're right in that in a happy and healthy marriage sex should be part of it. It isn't fair of your wife to expect you to live without sex, but neither is it fair for her to have sex if she really doesn't want to.
I suggest that you have an honest calm conversation with her. Explain that you love her etc etc but you can't live a life of celibacy. Ask her to suggest a compromise. You could try asking how she would feel about you getting your sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere with her permission. If she loves you she will listen to you and want you to be happy. You will also have to listen to her views as she has to be happy too.
It isn't an easy situation to be in with no easy answer.
I hope things work out for you. |
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As you have another similar post running I'll close this one. |
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