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Comedy one liners that have gone down in history.
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As the titles suggests, your all time comedy favourite one liners. To start off, from the Royale Family at Christmas,by Barbara on the in-laws Christmas presents.
"Oh Jim,a boob job and a Dyson". |
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No...fork handles, handles for forks. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Play it nice amd cool son, know what I mean."
More about what follows but you get it. |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
I’m Brian’s and so’s my wife! |
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"That money was resting in my account". |
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""Play it nice amd cool son, know what I mean."
More about what follows but you get it. "
Classic and to think may never have happened as Trigger wasn’t due on set that day as filming something else. |
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By *yronMan
over a year ago
grangemouth |
Eric Morecambe, watching the Fire Engine go past with it's lights and sirens going:
"He'll sell no ice creams going at that speed!"  |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
Just one move of this piece of shrapnel.. |
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"Your only supposed to blow the bloody doors off". |
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"your only supposed to blow the bloody doors off ! " |
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One more face lift and she’ll have a beard
Ok sweetie |
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By *ean counterMan
over a year ago
Kettering/ Market Harborough |
Don't mention the war! I did once but I think I got away with it |
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"that would be an ecumenical matter". |
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Mrs Merton to Debbie Magee
“ so Debbie what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels” |
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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
He's not the Messiah... He's a very naughty boy |
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Homer Simpson whilst watching a meteor shower.
"I wish God were alive to see this." |
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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
And what do you burn apart from witches..... More witches |
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"And what do you burn apart from witches..... More witches"
Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm so sorry, he's from Barcelona" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"And what do you burn apart from witches..... More witches
Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government."
all time favourite Python dialogue that one!  "I am Arthur and I am your king", "No you're not" |
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""I'm so sorry, he's from Barcelona""
I know nothing |
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"Tis but a flesh wound "
Beat me to it  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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jus' like tha' (classic line, but I'm going to be controvertial here; I don't get Tommy Cooper) |
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I have a fwend in wome called Biccus Diccus |
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By *drianukMan
over a year ago
Spain, Lancs |
I went to watch Pavarotti last week.
What a miserable git! He doesn't like it when you join in |
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"I have a fwend in wome called Biccus Diccus "
He has a wife you know....
Incontinentia..... incontinentia buttocks |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fuck off", it's so international isn't it! |
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I've got got plan so cunning, you could stick a tail on it and call it a fox |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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'Listen (pause) can you smell it' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have a fwend in wome called Biccus Diccus "
Hahahaha  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"And what do you burn apart from witches..... More witches"
'She turned me into a newt... I got better' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves
Heres Tom with the Weather." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Have an old vacuum cleaner in the cupboard; it's just gathering dust. |
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A pint? That's very nearly an armful!
Don't tell him, Pike!
I'm playing all the right notes, not necessarily in the right order. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Eric Morecambe, watching the Fire Engine go past with it's lights and sirens going:
"He'll sell no ice creams going at that speed!" "
I say this when ever an ambulance goes past. |
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AbFab, in response to Jennifer Saunders' assertion “Inside of me, there’s a thin person just screaming to get out":
June Whitfield: "just the one, dear?" |
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Doc-: Are you now or have you ever been a practicing homosexual
Fletch-: What, with these feet! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What have the Romans ever done for us? |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
[Naturalist] “You have to remember when we caught Gerald [the gorilla] he was completely wild”
[Gerald] “Wild? I was livid”
Not the Nine O’Clock News |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 25/07/21 15:30:39] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sharp he is,as sharp as a tack! And just as flat headed! From the film " Sherlock Holmes and the scarlet claw" |
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This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you've got a moment: it's a twelve-storey crisis, with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour porterage and an enormous sign on the roof saying "This is a large crisis."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! |
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Mangoes in a bar.... an odd place to find mangoes....
Joe Pascquale |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's all done in the best possible taste" ...Cupid Stunt |
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'Super' and 'Great' David and Tony from Reggie Perrin. One word lines that made me laugh! |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Hey Nursey is that a canoe in my pocket or am I just pleased to see you?! Woof!! |
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"'Super' and 'Great' David and Tony from Reggie Perrin. One word lines that made me laugh!"
I didn’t get where I am today ………. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Oh, have we got a video?"
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By *asilForty77Man
over a year ago
a hundred and sixty of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road |
A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, high chief of all the vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside. |
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You can see the sea. It’s over there between the land and the sky. |
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By *ofdiamondsMan
over a year ago
Between wisbech & Kings lynn |
I am serious. And don't call me Shirley!
Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
No, no, no, no, no, yes |
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By *ean counterMan
over a year ago
Kettering/ Market Harborough |
Are we going out, or out out? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Pretty, pretty, pretty good. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Hello caller, I'm listening... |
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Lord Flash "Send the bitch with wheels or I'll fly back to England and give you wife something to hang her towels on"!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 25/07/21 18:21:14] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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“We need to get you to a hospital as soon as possible”
“A hospital? What is it?”
“It’s a large building with lots of patients but that’s not important now”
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By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago
Derbyshire village |
"And what about you? Do you find it wisible...when I say the name....Biggus....Dickus?" |
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By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago
Derbyshire village |
[Removed by poster at 25/07/21 18:47:52] |
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By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago
Derbyshire village |
"Lord Flash "Send the bitch with wheels or I'll fly back to England and give you wife something to hang her towels on"!! "
"She's got a tongue like an electric eel, and she likes the taste of a MAN'S tonsils!" |
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" Hello IT,.....have you tried turning it off and on again?". |
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""Oh, have we got a video?"
"
Yes we've got a video! |
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By *ean counterMan
over a year ago
Kettering/ Market Harborough |
""Oh, have we got a video?"
"
Im so hungry I could my own ear wax and we all know how bad that tastes! Right kids ? |
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"I'm not asking you I'm asking Mr stuffsucker" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Surely your not serious?
I am and don't call me shirley |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
""Oh, have we got a video?"
Im so hungry I could my own ear wax and we all know how bad that tastes! Right kids ? "
Open up it's the pigs |
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By *ean counterMan
over a year ago
Kettering/ Market Harborough |
""Oh, have we got a video?"
Im so hungry I could my own ear wax and we all know how bad that tastes! Right kids ?
Open up it's the pigs"
Come on in Neil and take that tit off your head |
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By *urjonMan
over a year ago
Wakefield |
"People used to laugh when I told them I wanted to be a comedian. Haha! They're not laughing anymore!"
- Bob Monkhouse |
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Reporter:
No offence, but NASA spends fifteen years, hundreds of millions of dollars so that we can watch man walk on the moon and in the end it falls to you blokes! I mean, how do you feel about that?
Mitch:
A lot better before you opened your trap. |
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Oooh, Matron!
Frying tonight!
Titter ye not |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
""Oh, have we got a video?"
Im so hungry I could my own ear wax and we all know how bad that tastes! Right kids ?
Open up it's the pigs
Come on in Neil and take that tit off your head "
I am HAVING a baby!!
(To be honest I could probably fill a thread with Young Ones quotes alone) |
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Upstart Crow genius...
Kate : Oh, Mr. Shakespeare, you are like he who gives support. Like that which sweetens all that it covers. You are a great poet and are like the heavens.
Will : Kate, your words move me, but I would fain know their meaning.
Kate : Why, he who gives support is a patron. That which sweetens all that it covers be but icing. A great poet is a bard. And the heavens of course be starred. Put them together and you get...
Will : Patron-icing bard-starred.
Kate : I'll leave it with you. |
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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries |
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Does my bum look big in this?
I’ll get me coat… |
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"Do you know what Nemesis means?". |
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Do you like movies about gladiators? |
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By *ofdiamondsMan
over a year ago
Between wisbech & Kings lynn |
"Do you like movies about gladiators? "
Have you ever been in a Turkish prison? |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Jumpers for goalposts
Scorchio!
Suits you Sir! |
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Don't do it mild, don't do it meekly, beat me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly.
Victoria Wood. |
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By *obbfcMan
over a year ago
Livingston |
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.
(HitchHikers guide to the galaxy)
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
Ooh you are awful but I like you |
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By *yronMan
over a year ago
grangemouth |
I am serious. And stop calling me Shirley. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Are you round? I said are you round? I'm only asking because I just can't see any point to you! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Eric Morecambe, watching the Fire Engine go past with it's lights and sirens going:
"He'll sell no ice creams going at that speed!" "
Ambulance |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The thin blue line with Rowan Atkinson
The detective inspector is complaining about a mistake and the impact on his job.
The argument finished with these words
'" your cock up"
"My arse"
Funny as hell |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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'I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order..' |
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Margot Leadbetter in The Good Life
*incredulous.....
"A goat Gerry......?" |
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The fallan Madonna with the big boobies ,,Im Free. |
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By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago
Derbyshire village |
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries"
I've been to that castle! With coconut shells!! |
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By *aeganaWoman
over a year ago
birmingham |
Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Friends Romans.. countrymen I KNOW! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We've been thrown off course just a tad"
"Miss, what exactly is a tad?"
"In space terms, that's about half a million miles"
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By *JB1954Man
over a year ago
Reading |
Eric Morecambe to Andre Previn
I am playing all the right notes but not necessarily in the right order. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Garlic Bread, it's the future, I've tasted it" - Peter Kay |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"HELLLLOOOOO.... I'M IN THE LIBRARY. NAAH, IT'S RUBBISH" |
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""HELLLLOOOOO.... I'M IN THE LIBRARY. NAAH, IT'S RUBBISH""
Even after all these years if I hear that Nokia ringtone that's my immediate response! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have a plan So cunning, you could stick a tail on it and call it a fox! |
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Ggggggggggg. Granville you never just sell them what they want. |
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Born free till somebody caught me. |
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By *ltrMan
over a year ago
sheffield |
Peter Kay
It's not the bogey men in the wardrobe you have to worry about its the burglars coming thou the windows |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Del boy These plates are genuine antiques.
Trigger Yeah, and they're dishwasher proof. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Misterrrrrrr Grimsdaaaaalle |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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He is not the son of god he is a very naughty boy! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I hate you!!
Kevin and Perry
Computer says no
What a f'kin liberty!
Catherine Tate grandma |
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Turned out nice again ain’t it.
Play it cool Trigger, play it cool.
I am serious and don’t call me Shirley. |
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Iraq have WMD. That twat Blair and the other edjit from America. |
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Do you like pasteurized cos pasteurized is best, she said, oooo, Ernie, I'd be happy if it comes up to my chest. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Shitting Shit On It"
"Shalom" |
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"Misterrrrrrr Grimsdaaaaalle"
Haha. Now you’re showing your age |
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"Look Dougal I am Chinese....oh come on Dougal lighten up". |
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I want that one....yeh I know
Call me Bubbles darling, everybody does |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Alright Dave" |
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""Alright Dave""
Trigger, why do you call me Dave? My names Rodney.
Oh...is it Dave |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If it's a girl their calling it Sigorney after the actress, if it's a boy their calling it Rodney after Dave" |
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""I have a cunning plan"."
Wibble |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 26/07/21 12:25:27] |
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"No we are not doing fucking Stonehenge!!!"
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
""Shitting Shit On It"
"Shalom""
"Pillocks!!"
"Bleeding imbeciles!!"
"Oh hello Jackie you look nice" |
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These are small... But those are far away...
I don't belieeeeve it.
It's good night from me and it's good night from him.
I'll phone a friend.
.. And finally....
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This time next year Rodney, we will be millionaires. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Fiesty one you are  |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
""No we are not doing fucking Stonehenge!!!"
"
These go to 11 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have a plan So cunning, you could stick a tail on it and call it a fox!"
Weasel
Now listen very carefully, I shall say zis only wence
Oh, and 'Good moaning!' |
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( talking about annual rainfall)
If you think 8 inches is about average...you've been spoiled |
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Type of bird... R blank blank k.. Its rook.
Not necessarily... could be rilk.
What's a rilk? |
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By *ofdiamondsMan
over a year ago
Between wisbech & Kings lynn |
Elderly farmer: I hear you’re a racist now father.
Father Ted: WHAT?!
Elderly farmer: How did ya get interested in that sort of thing?
Father Ted: WHO SAID I’M A RACIST?!!
Elderly farmer: Everyone is saying it, Father. Should we all be racist now? What’s the official line that the church has taken on this?
Father Ted: No… no…
Elderly farmer: It’s just that the farm takes up most of the day, and at night, I like to have a cup of tea. I mightn’t be able to devote myself full-time to the old racism. |
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By *ofdiamondsMan
over a year ago
Between wisbech & Kings lynn |
Is it as cunning as a fox that's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University? |
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By *ofdiamondsMan
over a year ago
Between wisbech & Kings lynn |
I was pissing by the door when I heard two shats |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you ever visit Dubai, whatever you do don’t mention The Flintstones. They don’t get it and it upsets them.
However Abu Dhabi Do! |
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By *ofdiamondsMan
over a year ago
Between wisbech & Kings lynn |
Oh I'm sorry, my manners. Piss off, please.
oh you'd like my lip wouldnt you, right round your bell end! [turns to Kevin's friend] If Mr Chippy doesnt get there first! What's he gunna knock up, a closet for you to hide in? You... BUMDER! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's just a flesh wound" |
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Are we all ready to give those French a good licking?
Darling: It’s the Germans we’ll be licking, sir.
Melchett: Don’t be ridiculous, Darling. I wouldn’t lick a German if he were glazed in honey! |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Oooh fwend...football fwend |
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" I'm only 6, you work it out". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Infamy, Infamy, they’ve all got it infamy ! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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""I have a cunning plan".
Wibble "
This is the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck in a sticky bun. |
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By *rs spicyCouple
over a year ago
Chesterfield |
Never mind what that smell is, just get me down! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Morning Mr B |
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"Were all different!"...........
"I'm not." |
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And I hope your mother dies in a freak yachting accident |
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By *reemindCoolMan
over a year ago
between Barnsley and Wakefield |
he will never sell any ice creams driving at that speed |
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By *reemindCoolMan
over a year ago
between Barnsley and Wakefield |
Listen carefully i will say this only once |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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These pretzels are making me thirsty ! |
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By *ofdiamondsMan
over a year ago
Between wisbech & Kings lynn |
"Are we all ready to give those French a good licking?
Darling: It’s the Germans we’ll be licking, sir.
Melchett: Don’t be ridiculous, Darling. I wouldn’t lick a German if he were glazed in honey!"
love black adder goes forth |
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Infamy infamy they've all got it in for me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This week I 'ave been mostly eating taramasalata! |
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When Del, Trigger & Denzil turn up at night at the council dump and it's closed.
Del: I thought you said it was open 24 hours a day".
Trigger: "Yeah, but not at night". |
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