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Jokes
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"I was shagging the missus last night when she started moaning that we never have normal sex anymore...and that I'm obsessed with doing it like they do in porn films... Typical of her to start an argument in front of all my mates...."  | |||
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"I was shagging the missus last night when she started moaning that we never have normal sex anymore...and that I'm obsessed with doing it like they do in porn films... Typical of her to start an argument in front of all my mates...." | |||
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his wife has left him, taken his prized Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish! Poor bastard,
NO WOMAN NO SKY!  | |||
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"Little Tommy on a farm runs indoors "Mummy! Mummy! The bull's fucking the cow!" His mum says "No Tommy, you must be polite and say 'the bull is surprising the cow'". Later on Tommy runs in again. "Mummy! Mummy! The bull's surprising all the cows!" His mum says "No Tommy, the bull can't be surprising all the cows". Tommy replies "Oh yes he can; He's fucking the horse!"" Had me rolling about. Thank you | |||
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"I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts. "Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?" "Yesterday?" I replied. " | |||
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A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.
... So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?" | |||
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"An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans... walk into a very fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group... "You can't come in here without a Thai. " " New tenna lady please | |||
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"What do you call a chinese woman who can lick her self out? Won Long Tong.. Made me lol when i heard it today!" What do you call a Chinese woman with a food processor on her head? Blendaaaaah | |||
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"whats black and sits at the top of the stairs? stephen hawking after a housefire" Lolled all over at that one x | |||
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"When will these Jimmy savile allegations ever end?Police are now saying that Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it." Rod Hull has also been pulled in for investigation after fisting some poor bird!! | |||
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