FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Can you be open about being open
Can you be open about being open
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Hello! Following the great thread about people being poly/ ENM, I wanted to ask the question- do you feel like you can be open and honest about those aspects of your life? Can you tell your friends/work friends/ family about your relationship dynamic? Why not?
My feeling is that we (society) can discuss the things we do in our monogamous relationships openly (you’re asked what you did over the weekend and say you went out for dinner with your wife) but can we discuss the things we do if it’s non monogamous (Your friends know you’re married and ask what you did over the weekend and you say you spent it with a lover/ boyfriend/ girlfriend)?
Please also chime in on how you think socially accepted you think it would be even if you’re not ENM/ poly xx  |
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I don't discuss my sex life but I wouldn't discuss that if I was in a monogamous relationship.
People who know me know I'm not in a relationship and that I date. They don't need to know more than that, and I'm happy for them to draw their own (mostly tinder-based and incorrect) conclusions. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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For me personally, I can only be truely open with people who are in this lifestyle too because it's hard to understand unless you are in it. As a society we are conditioned to be with one person and live a life of monogamy, anything outside of that is considered abnormal. It's easier to not speak about it than answer questions, explain yourself or justify why it's the right thing to do. Most people are judgemental, whether they mean to be or not, so I guess being open isn't an option unless you can take the critism that will follow. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't discuss my sex life but I wouldn't discuss that if I was in a monogamous relationship.
People who know me know I'm not in a relationship and that I date. They don't need to know more than that, and I'm happy for them to draw their own (mostly tinder-based and incorrect) conclusions."
This is fair. Would you let people that know you know that you date even if you were in a relationship? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"For me personally, I can only be truely open with people who are in this lifestyle too because it's hard to understand unless you are in it. As a society we are conditioned to be with one person and live a life of monogamy, anything outside of that is considered abnormal. It's easier to not speak about it than answer questions, explain yourself or justify why it's the right thing to do. Most people are judgemental, whether they mean to be or not, so I guess being open isn't an option unless you can take the critism that will follow."
Yeah I feel this. I think it can cause strain/ difficulty for some people, to hide a part of who they are. But I definitely think that as a society, we are way too judgemental for people to be open about being open which is a shame really |
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"I don't discuss my sex life but I wouldn't discuss that if I was in a monogamous relationship.
People who know me know I'm not in a relationship and that I date. They don't need to know more than that, and I'm happy for them to draw their own (mostly tinder-based and incorrect) conclusions.
This is fair. Would you let people that know you know that you date even if you were in a relationship? "
Probably, but it would depend on who was asking. Work colleagues no: I've no intention of dating any of them so it's none of their business. Friends probably, though I tend to refer to my sex life in the most oblique of terms. |
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All my immediate family know apart from my mum. I have plans to tell her when I next see her as I want both my partners to be involved in my 30th birthday celebrations in a few months. I don't think she's going to take it very well but hey ho. The rest of my family have been fine about it. My close friends all know too and have been fine. I don't bother in some situations like work colleagues as I'm not close enough to them to want to deal with anyone taking an issue nor do I want to be the subject of workplace gossip. I talk about both my partners but people don't tend to twig  . |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
I'll know it when I find it. |
I've told two of my closest friends (who are from uni and not related to fab) mainly because one I love and I tell her everything, another because he's like my big brother and finds me very amusing. I've not told family. My ex really wanted to meet my mum but I'm not sure how she'd react to me being poly. Probably think it was a trend/I wasn't happy. |
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People tend to assume things about you based on your outward appearance. Even peopy within the swinging world do that, we've had a number of people tell us "you don't look like swingers" or "nobody would guess" . People who know us very well know that we have a relaxed attitude to sex and relationships so we guess they assume it applies to our own but we've never been directly asked and we've never felt the need to reply "oh we went to a guys house, had some food then all three of us spent a pleasant hour or two fucking"  |
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"I've told two of my closest friends (who are from uni and not related to fab) mainly because one I love and I tell her everything, another because he's like my big brother and finds me very amusing. I've not told family. My ex really wanted to meet my mum but I'm not sure how she'd react to me being poly. Probably think it was a trend/I wasn't happy."
That's how my parents reacted to my neices telling them they're gay. They said it was the fashion then when they were *still* gay several years later it was because they'd had unhappy childhoods. |
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I could tell my work colleagues (only four of us in my team) but I choose not to open up. It’s nothing to do with them being closed minded but I don’t want to share that’s all.
In all honesty if I ‘came out’ as a bisexual crossdresser who attends kinky clubs (that’s how they’d see a swingers club) I’d probably get some credit for not appearing as a boring middle aged guy.
One gay guy is quite open at work about going to gay cruising areas and gets no bad reaction from management or fellow colleagues. So no blow back about him and his sexual encounters, means mine would probably be acceptable as well.
I personally like to keep my private life …private  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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One of the reasons I asked is because I went out on a date recently and thought about it. If I’d gone out with my gf and someone had asked what I’d got up to id probably share- went to this really nice restaurant with my gf blah blah blah. But I dunno if I would’ve shared details like who I went with *because* of judgement. And I guess I don’t think that should be the case. It is what it is though.
Also I’ve told friends and talk to friends and my partner’s family know- not mine because culturally that would be a rollercoaster- and I think you kinda just get used to just letting people assume what they want but not telling them anything. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I am into serial monogamy, currently meaning that I date one person at once. If I’m a relationship with someone, I would be seeing only that person.
If I was a swinger, I’d be able to confide in my mum and my best friend. Everyone else would be too judgy.
One of the wonderful things about joining Fab, is that it has made me more open-minded about other people’s lifestyles. I’d feel privileged if someone in my life chose me as their confidante.
As long as they’re happy and safe, that is all that matters. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I told my mum last week that I am not monogamous. 
I'd previously been open with her and my sisters about seeing more than one man but she hadn't known it was permanent! She was great about it. My best friend knows it and also that I'm kinky. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I told my mum last week that I am not monogamous.
I'd previously been open with her and my sisters about seeing more than one man but she hadn't known it was permanent! She was great about it. My best friend knows it and also that I'm kinky. "
Did you tell her for a specific reason? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I am into serial monogamy, currently meaning that I date one person at once. If I’m a relationship with someone, I would be seeing only that person.
If I was a swinger, I’d be able to confide in my mum and my best friend. Everyone else would be too judgy.
One of the wonderful things about joining Fab, is that it has made me more open-minded about other people’s lifestyles. I’d feel privileged if someone in my life chose me as their confidante.
As long as they’re happy and safe, that is all that matters."
I agree. If someone is safe and happy then it doesn’t matter to me. But don’t think everyone has an outlook like yours |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I told my mum last week that I am not monogamous.
I'd previously been open with her and my sisters about seeing more than one man but she hadn't known it was permanent! She was great about it. My best friend knows it and also that I'm kinky. "
I would love to tell my family but my life is way more peaceful without them knowing |
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"I am into serial monogamy, currently meaning that I date one person at once. If I’m a relationship with someone, I would be seeing only that person.
If I was a swinger, I’d be able to confide in my mum and my best friend. Everyone else would be too judgy.
One of the wonderful things about joining Fab, is that it has made me more open-minded about other people’s lifestyles. I’d feel privileged if someone in my life chose me as their confidante.
As long as they’re happy and safe, that is all that matters."
Misread, sorry, thought you said mahogany, I'm comfortable with two armchairs. . . . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I am into serial monogamy, currently meaning that I date one person at once. If I’m a relationship with someone, I would be seeing only that person.
If I was a swinger, I’d be able to confide in my mum and my best friend. Everyone else would be too judgy.
One of the wonderful things about joining Fab, is that it has made me more open-minded about other people’s lifestyles. I’d feel privileged if someone in my life chose me as their confidante.
As long as they’re happy and safe, that is all that matters.
Misread, sorry, thought you said mahogany, I'm comfortable with two armchairs. . . ."
 Oh you! xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I told my mum last week that I am not monogamous.
I'd previously been open with her and my sisters about seeing more than one man but she hadn't known it was permanent! She was great about it. My best friend knows it and also that I'm kinky.
Did you tell her for a specific reason?"
No. I just wanted to be open with her. We are very close. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I told my mum last week that I am not monogamous.
I'd previously been open with her and my sisters about seeing more than one man but she hadn't known it was permanent! She was great about it. My best friend knows it and also that I'm kinky.
Did you tell her for a specific reason?
No. I just wanted to be open with her. We are very close. "
Doesn't it bother you somewhat that she might not want that information in her head to deal with? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I told my mum last week that I am not monogamous.
I'd previously been open with her and my sisters about seeing more than one man but she hadn't known it was permanent! She was great about it. My best friend knows it and also that I'm kinky.
Did you tell her for a specific reason?
No. I just wanted to be open with her. We are very close.
Doesn't it bother you somewhat that she might not want that information in her head to deal with?"
No. I know my mum. Not as though I rushed into telling her, it's been 3 years. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
I'll know it when I find it. |
"I've told two of my closest friends (who are from uni and not related to fab) mainly because one I love and I tell her everything, another because he's like my big brother and finds me very amusing. I've not told family. My ex really wanted to meet my mum but I'm not sure how she'd react to me being poly. Probably think it was a trend/I wasn't happy.
That's how my parents reacted to my neices telling them they're gay. They said it was the fashion then when they were *still* gay several years later it was because they'd had unhappy childhoods. "
That's awful. Are your parents aware now it's not a fashion statement or because of unhappy childhoods? My grandparents had a similar approach view when I introduced them to a girlfriend; I stopped talking about/introducing them to who I was dating after that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I told my mum last week that I am not monogamous.
I'd previously been open with her and my sisters about seeing more than one man but she hadn't known it was permanent! She was great about it. My best friend knows it and also that I'm kinky.
Did you tell her for a specific reason?
No. I just wanted to be open with her. We are very close.
Doesn't it bother you somewhat that she might not want that information in her head to deal with?"
Coming back to this you seem to imply that it's a bad thing and would negatively affect my family? Why would it? To my mind it's the same as if I was gay - so why would I not share that I'm happy to come to terms with this. They're happy for me.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I told my mum last week that I am not monogamous.
I'd previously been open with her and my sisters about seeing more than one man but she hadn't known it was permanent! She was great about it. My best friend knows it and also that I'm kinky.
Did you tell her for a specific reason?
No. I just wanted to be open with her. We are very close.
Doesn't it bother you somewhat that she might not want that information in her head to deal with?
Coming back to this you seem to imply that it's a bad thing and would negatively affect my family? Why would it? To my mind it's the same as if I was gay - so why would I not share that I'm happy to come to terms with this. They're happy for me.
"
I just see it as an unnecessary thing, rather than a bad thing. Unless there's more than one partner that you want to be included in family get togethers |
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"I don't discuss my sex life but I wouldn't discuss that if I was in a monogamous relationship.
People who know me know I'm not in a relationship and that I date. They don't need to know more than that, and I'm happy for them to draw their own (mostly tinder-based and incorrect) conclusions."
This  |
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"I told my mum last week that I am not monogamous.
I'd previously been open with her and my sisters about seeing more than one man but she hadn't known it was permanent! She was great about it. My best friend knows it and also that I'm kinky.
Did you tell her for a specific reason?
No. I just wanted to be open with her. We are very close.
Doesn't it bother you somewhat that she might not want that information in her head to deal with?
Coming back to this you seem to imply that it's a bad thing and would negatively affect my family? Why would it? To my mind it's the same as if I was gay - so why would I not share that I'm happy to come to terms with this. They're happy for me.
"
I get the same attitude of "why do people need to know about your private life" over being in two relationships for two years. As if other people don't discuss their partners with people in their life. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I honestly do think give a shit what people think anymore, as long as my children don't get hurt by my actions, I'm open. But I wouldn't want them having someone use my lifestyle as a stick to batter them with, so I'm discrete but open. I'm very much an each to their own kind of guy now- I wasn't in the past and was as judgemental as ther rest, but you can't beat a good epiphany and now im exceptionally open minded, which a great thing!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I told my mum last week that I am not monogamous.
I'd previously been open with her and my sisters about seeing more than one man but she hadn't known it was permanent! She was great about it. My best friend knows it and also that I'm kinky.
Did you tell her for a specific reason?
No. I just wanted to be open with her. We are very close.
Doesn't it bother you somewhat that she might not want that information in her head to deal with?
Coming back to this you seem to imply that it's a bad thing and would negatively affect my family? Why would it? To my mind it's the same as if I was gay - so why would I not share that I'm happy to come to terms with this. They're happy for me.
I just see it as an unnecessary thing, rather than a bad thing. Unless there's more than one partner that you want to be included in family get togethers "
I think my family want to know and understand me as I do them. You might think it's unnecessary, I disagree. It's part of who I am. |
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"Please also chime in on how you think socially accepted you think it would be even if you’re not ENM/ poly xx "
I was with a polyamorous woman for a while as a secondary partner. She had a primary partner who I met and got on with. I told a few people but stopped because of the reaction. They were very judgemental and either assumed I was being used, that she was cheating on her fella or just that none of it was 'proper' relationships |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Please also chime in on how you think socially accepted you think it would be even if you’re not ENM/ poly xx
I was with a polyamorous woman for a while as a secondary partner. She had a primary partner who I met and got on with. I told a few people but stopped because of the reaction. They were very judgemental and either assumed I was being used, that she was cheating on her fella or just that none of it was 'proper' relationships"
Damn this sucks man. I feel like people really are just so closed to the idea of something done differently to the way they expect making people happy. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I did have FIL asking me about it ‘to make sure it doesn’t impact’ my daughter. Felt a bit weird with the implication that it could but also felt like I was probably reading into it. |
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"Please also chime in on how you think socially accepted you think it would be even if you’re not ENM/ poly xx
I was with a polyamorous woman for a while as a secondary partner. She had a primary partner who I met and got on with. I told a few people but stopped because of the reaction. They were very judgemental and either assumed I was being used, that she was cheating on her fella or just that none of it was 'proper' relationships
Damn this sucks man. I feel like people really are just so closed to the idea of something done differently to the way they expect making people happy. "
It's a big part of why I'm on here. I'm looking to meet & chat with people who are more open minded, about life in general as well as sex |
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Most of my friends know our marriage is open...
Family is harder I think, esp Dads eeeek lol
And def not work 
But i am pretty what you see is what you get, so i found the double life bit super difficult when we were being quiet about it |
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I also think society is moving relatively fast to being open to terms like poly, prob more so than swinging. But I would consider myself enm and in truth most people outside of the scene have no concept or what that means, so I just say open marriage |
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"Please also chime in on how you think socially accepted you think it would be even if you’re not ENM/ poly xx
I was with a polyamorous woman for a while as a secondary partner. She had a primary partner who I met and got on with. I told a few people but stopped because of the reaction. They were very judgemental and either assumed I was being used, that she was cheating on her fella or just that none of it was 'proper' relationships"
Sorry to hear this Ziggy. I think there's still so much naivety out there. I think any negativity I have encountered is largely routed in someone "worrying" about me rather than being icked by the behaviour. This sounds like that also, I think you can only counter it by showing you're happy and letting their confidence that nothing in truth is threatening you subside |
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We work together so any "what did you do at the weekend" type questions would automatically include us both. We haven't told many people about our lifestyle choices, and certainly no-one at work. Anything that has involved nights out at swingers clubs, me spending time with my FWB or anything like that is either glossed over or vague detail given. E.g. group social last Saturday was "lunch out with friends" and the Manchester social was "Christmas party with friends", keeping who the "friends" are quite vague. |
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