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Why do men...
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By *inger_Snap OP Woman
over a year ago
Hampshire/Dorset |
Have such a hard time just being honest?
Like if you've lost interest, or changed your mind about seeing someone, aren't feeling it... Why can't you just be upfront and say that?
Instead of some poor excuse (literally one you've seen 7356 times before)
Please explain menfolk of the forums  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Have such a hard time just being honest?
Like if you've lost interest, or changed your mind about seeing someone, aren't feeling it... Why can't you just be upfront and say that?
Instead of some poor excuse (literally one you've seen 7356 times before)
Please explain menfolk of the forums "
That’s not exclusive to men
Woman are equally as bad |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To keep them as a back up in case first choice is out of action one day 
I’ve been on the wrong end of it a few times "
Pretty much this to be honest
They are either keeping you as back up, or found someone better, or both |
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What is don't get is being told " oh I can't do that date I have my kids that weekend " after telling me initially he was free, then putting a status up essentially saying he was going shagging that very same weekend he wS supposed to have his kids  ... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To keep them as a back up in case first choice is out of action one day
I’ve been on the wrong end of it a few times "
I mean I think people engaging in casual sex tend to have rosters. Men and women. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Have such a hard time just being honest?
Like if you've lost interest, or changed your mind about seeing someone, aren't feeling it... Why can't you just be upfront and say that?
Instead of some poor excuse (literally one you've seen 7356 times before)
Please explain menfolk of the forums "
And women aswell. |
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By *t0600Man
over a year ago
elvedon |
Surely some are genuine though ? I know the majority are bullshiters but some have to be genuine ? I was meant to be going to a club tonight but can’t as I can’t get childcare . Would that be seen as an excuse ? |
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"Surely some are genuine though ? I know the majority are bullshiters but some have to be genuine ? I was meant to be going to a club tonight but can’t as I can’t get childcare . Would that be seen as an excuse ? "
I'd probably be a bit cynical but would give you the benefit of the doubt |
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"I don’t think it’s just a man thing, it’s an easy life thing. "
Yes, that. We're all lazy at heart. Makes me laugh when people here say that at least they get honesty because people can see what they like. Reality is that men say what they think you want to hear. Having checked out your profile I can say you're a real hottie so no man would be in his right mind to let you down |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Surely some are genuine though ? I know the majority are bullshiters but some have to be genuine ? I was meant to be going to a club tonight but can’t as I can’t get childcare . Would that be seen as an excuse ? "
Childcare is a barrier to me sometimes. If they don’t believe me that’s their business. I don’t care. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Surely some are genuine though ? I know the majority are bullshiters but some have to be genuine ? I was meant to be going to a club tonight but can’t as I can’t get childcare . Would that be seen as an excuse ? "
I think things depend on how it's done as well as the reason given.
Like if you say last minute or on the day without being open with someone that you're having trouble finding childcare it's going to come across worse |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Surely some are genuine though ? I know the majority are bullshiters but some have to be genuine ? I was meant to be going to a club tonight but can’t as I can’t get childcare . Would that be seen as an excuse ?
I think things depend on how it's done as well as the reason given.
Like if you say last minute or on the day without being open with someone that you're having trouble finding childcare it's going to come across worse "
Childcare falls through as well. You can have childcare sorted and on the day you have to cancel. |
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"To keep them as a back up in case first choice is out of action one day
I’ve been on the wrong end of it a few times "
Could be the reason. I think I've mostly been on the wrong end of the backup plan B. Even had a booty call when her plan A had to call from his wife to say his daughter was sick. |
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By *t0600Man
over a year ago
elvedon |
"Surely some are genuine though ? I know the majority are bullshiters but some have to be genuine ? I was meant to be going to a club tonight but can’t as I can’t get childcare . Would that be seen as an excuse ?
Childcare is a barrier to me sometimes. If they don’t believe me that’s their business. I don’t care. "
Exactly my thinking |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Surely some are genuine though ? I know the majority are bullshiters but some have to be genuine ? I was meant to be going to a club tonight but can’t as I can’t get childcare . Would that be seen as an excuse ?
I think things depend on how it's done as well as the reason given.
Like if you say last minute or on the day without being open with someone that you're having trouble finding childcare it's going to come across worse
Childcare falls through as well. You can have childcare sorted and on the day you have to cancel. "
I wasn't saying he was lying I was just trying to show an example of something coming across worse done last minute, wasn't specific to childcare.
I've been cancelled on twice this week. Both seem genuine reasons, one done in the day the other the day before.
|
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"To keep them as a back up in case first choice is out of action one day
I’ve been on the wrong end of it a few times
I mean I think people engaging in casual sex tend to have rosters. Men and women. "
Don’t be out here making sense, Pickle. I’m not used to it. |
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By *t0600Man
over a year ago
elvedon |
"Surely some are genuine though ? I know the majority are bullshiters but some have to be genuine ? I was meant to be going to a club tonight but can’t as I can’t get childcare . Would that be seen as an excuse ?
I think things depend on how it's done as well as the reason given.
Like if you say last minute or on the day without being open with someone that you're having trouble finding childcare it's going to come across worse "
Yeah I did say maybe going as wasn’t confirmed on childcare |
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"Oh I was just being funny. I think the reason is because people don’t want to be honest because they don’t want to upset others  "
More likely they don't want to look like a right cunt. Especially when they cancel when you're on the way |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To keep them as a back up in case first choice is out of action one day
I’ve been on the wrong end of it a few times
I mean I think people engaging in casual sex tend to have rosters. Men and women.
Don’t be out here making sense, Pickle. I’m not used to it. "
I may be young but I ain’t dumb  |
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"Surely some are genuine though ? I know the majority are bullshiters but some have to be genuine ? I was meant to be going to a club tonight but can’t as I can’t get childcare . Would that be seen as an excuse ?
I think things depend on how it's done as well as the reason given.
Like if you say last minute or on the day without being open with someone that you're having trouble finding childcare it's going to come across worse
Yeah I did say maybe going as wasn’t confirmed on childcare "
Well that's fair enough... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Surely some are genuine though ? I know the majority are bullshiters but some have to be genuine ? I was meant to be going to a club tonight but can’t as I can’t get childcare . Would that be seen as an excuse ?
I think things depend on how it's done as well as the reason given.
Like if you say last minute or on the day without being open with someone that you're having trouble finding childcare it's going to come across worse
Childcare falls through as well. You can have childcare sorted and on the day you have to cancel.
I wasn't saying he was lying I was just trying to show an example of something coming across worse done last minute, wasn't specific to childcare.
I've been cancelled on twice this week. Both seem genuine reasons, one done in the day the other the day before.
"
I didn’t think you were saying he was lying. Sorry.
But you suggested that the person should mention they’re struggling to find childcare or it’s going to look worse so I was just replying to that bit. Seemed like you were responding to that specific example But fair if you weren’t. |
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By *inger_Snap OP Woman
over a year ago
Hampshire/Dorset |
"Surely some are genuine though ? I know the majority are bullshiters but some have to be genuine ? I was meant to be going to a club tonight but can’t as I can’t get childcare . Would that be seen as an excuse ? "
Only you really know if it's a genuine reason or not. |
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By *t0600Man
over a year ago
elvedon |
"Surely some are genuine though ? I know the majority are bullshiters but some have to be genuine ? I was meant to be going to a club tonight but can’t as I can’t get childcare . Would that be seen as an excuse ?
Only you really know if it's a genuine reason or not."
Yeah obviously I know it’s genuine but I was saying to you surely there are some men that give a reason for not been able to come are genuine |
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By *inger_Snap OP Woman
over a year ago
Hampshire/Dorset |
"To keep them as a back up in case first choice is out of action one day
I’ve been on the wrong end of it a few times
I mean I think people engaging in casual sex tend to have rosters. Men and women.
Don’t be out here making sense, Pickle. I’m not used to it. "
Rosters? I wish...  |
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This is just a personal preference - but I would rather not know the reason. Found something else you like better than me? Cool. Don’t tell me about that.
I learned a long time ago there’s no such thing as closure. Closure is me deciding that whatever happened doesn’t matter to me anymore.
Again, I am not advising anyone else about what to think or feel. This is just what works for me when someone disappoints me.  |
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By *inger_Snap OP Woman
over a year ago
Hampshire/Dorset |
"This is just a personal preference - but I would rather not know the reason. Found something else you like better than me? Cool. Don’t tell me about that.
I learned a long time ago there’s no such thing as closure. Closure is me deciding that whatever happened doesn’t matter to me anymore.
Again, I am not advising anyone else about what to think or feel. This is just what works for me when someone disappoints me. "
Well I don't ever need to know that.... But an "I've changed my mind" would suffice. It's better than the BS people come out with. |
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"This is just a personal preference - but I would rather not know the reason. Found something else you like better than me? Cool. Don’t tell me about that.
I learned a long time ago there’s no such thing as closure. Closure is me deciding that whatever happened doesn’t matter to me anymore.
Again, I am not advising anyone else about what to think or feel. This is just what works for me when someone disappoints me.
Well I don't ever need to know that.... But an "I've changed my mind" would suffice. It's better than the BS people come out with. "
I can’t argue with that. You’re right, in principle.
But even I sometimes struggle with that one. Letting someone down easy is not… easy.
And I’m a certified (and certifiable) bitch on wheels.
(I am actually on wheels at the moment. Facts.) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Surely some are genuine though ? I know the majority are bullshiters but some have to be genuine ? I was meant to be going to a club tonight but can’t as I can’t get childcare . Would that be seen as an excuse ?
I think things depend on how it's done as well as the reason given.
Like if you say last minute or on the day without being open with someone that you're having trouble finding childcare it's going to come across worse
Childcare falls through as well. You can have childcare sorted and on the day you have to cancel.
I wasn't saying he was lying I was just trying to show an example of something coming across worse done last minute, wasn't specific to childcare.
I've been cancelled on twice this week. Both seem genuine reasons, one done in the day the other the day before.
I didn’t think you were saying he was lying. Sorry.
But you suggested that the person should mention they’re struggling to find childcare or it’s going to look worse so I was just replying to that bit. Seemed like you were responding to that specific example But fair if you weren’t. "
Cool,all good.
I had someone cancel me end of December, they said childcare but had asked me that morning if we were still on. Then said hours later they couldn't get childcare. So yeah childcare can be hard but if you don't even go try and get any till on the day it's bad isn't it? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If it's something that can't be helped then I'll be upfront from the start.
If it's a case of losing interest and not wanting to chat, or meet them anymore then I just find it tougher as I don't like the fallout of hurting their feelings. It's classic avoidance and it's shitty to keep chatting but it's something I'm working on trying to do. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To keep them as a back up in case first choice is out of action one day
I’ve been on the wrong end of it a few times
I mean I think people engaging in casual sex tend to have rosters. Men and women.
Don’t be out here making sense, Pickle. I’m not used to it.
Rosters? I wish... "
You can do it Mimi. If you want |
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By *t0600Man
over a year ago
elvedon |
"Surely some are genuine though ? I know the majority are bullshiters but some have to be genuine ? I was meant to be going to a club tonight but can’t as I can’t get childcare . Would that be seen as an excuse ?
I think things depend on how it's done as well as the reason given.
Like if you say last minute or on the day without being open with someone that you're having trouble finding childcare it's going to come across worse
Childcare falls through as well. You can have childcare sorted and on the day you have to cancel.
I wasn't saying he was lying I was just trying to show an example of something coming across worse done last minute, wasn't specific to childcare.
I've been cancelled on twice this week. Both seem genuine reasons, one done in the day the other the day before.
I didn’t think you were saying he was lying. Sorry.
But you suggested that the person should mention they’re struggling to find childcare or it’s going to look worse so I was just replying to that bit. Seemed like you were responding to that specific example But fair if you weren’t.
Cool,all good.
I had someone cancel me end of December, they said childcare but had asked me that morning if we were still on. Then said hours later they couldn't get childcare. So yeah childcare can be hard but if you don't even go try and get any till on the day it's bad isn't it? "
I mean I’m not saying for one minute everyone that says childcare is genuine but like Steve said further up sometimes childcare falls through last minute then your hands are tied |
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By *inger_Snap OP Woman
over a year ago
Hampshire/Dorset |
"To keep them as a back up in case first choice is out of action one day
I’ve been on the wrong end of it a few times
I mean I think people engaging in casual sex tend to have rosters. Men and women.
Don’t be out here making sense, Pickle. I’m not used to it.
Rosters? I wish...
You can do it Mimi. If you want "
I'm trying really hard Pickle |
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"Have such a hard time just being honest?
Like if you've lost interest, or changed your mind about seeing someone, aren't feeling it... Why can't you just be upfront and say that?
Instead of some poor excuse (literally one you've seen 7356 times before)
Please explain menfolk of the forums "
Sorry to hear about what you’ve had to deal with. Sadly I don’t know why people do the things they do, how they act or things they say or don’t say. I don’t think any of us can ever really know the reasons for other people choices I’m afraid x |
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"Have such a hard time just being honest?
Like if you've lost interest, or changed your mind about seeing someone, aren't feeling it... Why can't you just be upfront and say that?
We aren't all like that don't worry.
And emotion and vulnerability have always been difficult for men the way society is
Instead of some poor excuse (literally one you've seen 7356 times before)
Please explain menfolk of the forums "
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Is some of this to do with men mostly being the active ones to establish rapport in the first place?
So, a man here often sends messages to a few people they like the sound of initially, and then a smaller percentage of women reply.
After having put that work in, and some of the women getting over potential confidence issues to reply back, if it becomes apparent that the chemistry really isn't there you (me, man) can feel a bit of a cunt for "making the running" but then realising the mix of personalities isn't right.
So you (me, man) then have to think about how to break off with someone who had to be warmed up in the first place.
Some men panic, and do a runner.
Silly humans.
I'm fairly good with managing expectations from the outset I think (I think I know of one person who would disagree, but I'm not sure the exchanges would back that up evidentially), but is a large part not likely to be that "men" are mostly the active principle on FAB, and elsewhere, making the running for "women" to then potentially reply?
It doesn't really happen to me, but I can easily see how that whole "active/passive" dynamic opens up a shit-load of problems further down the line.
I don't think saying "what I want is on my profile" is sufficient as a defence (it's adequate, but not sufficient), because we are all very often surprised that what we say we want and the real pleasure in what we're offered are very different.
So profiles are a guide, not an eternal, incontrovertible law.
Tl;dr - the active/passive thing, and human propensity for being a bit crap, across all involved parties. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s people. People are flakey. I don’t know why, I’ve had people that I’m
Seriously interested in meeting and can’t get a committed answer to when or if we’ll meet AGAIN. My last verification (I don’t think she’ll mind me saying) was us both meeting because we had both been stood up. And you have to believe their excuses.
I need people to be upfront with me, because I do believe peoples words, that’s because I need them to believe mine.
Why do they do it? I actually think it’s to leave you as an option, because that’s online dating, people will have a list of options. *just my oppinion. |
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"It’s people. People are flakey. I don’t know why, I’ve had people that I’m
Seriously interested in meeting and can’t get a committed answer to when or if we’ll meet AGAIN. My last verification (I don’t think she’ll mind me saying) was us both meeting because we had both been stood up. And you have to believe their excuses.
I need people to be upfront with me, because I do believe peoples words, that’s because I need them to believe mine.
Why do they do it? I actually think it’s to leave you as an option, because that’s online dating, people will have a list of options. *just my oppinion. "
I agree with you.
And to be left as an option is a horrible feeling.
That’s why I can’t do it anymore. Not until I grow some really thick skin, but but not till then. |
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"Have such a hard time just being honest?
Like if you've lost interest, or changed your mind about seeing someone, aren't feeling it... Why can't you just be upfront and say that?
Instead of some poor excuse (literally one you've seen 7356 times before)
Please explain menfolk of the forums "
Like it's been mentioned before you are probably backup, if they were honest they think they will lose you.
They may genuinely don't want to hurt your feelings but but it makes it worse when they eventually tell you.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"….
I need people to be upfront with me, because I do believe peoples words, that’s because I need them to believe mine.
Why do they do it? I actually think it’s to leave you as an option, because that’s online dating, people will have a list of options. *just my oppinion.
I agree with you.
And to be left as an option is a horrible feeling.
That’s why I can’t do it anymore. Not until I grow some really thick skin, but but not till then."
Dating and Fab, are different things to me. I’ve got a thick enough skin (although things still bother me) to accept we are all options for people in here.
But to think you are an option when you want to exclusively give your feelings to someone who you’d like to date and have a relationship with is horrible. You both have to be on the same page. (Just my opinion). And I’m open to an open relationship, so there’s that I’m still trying to figure out |
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"….
I need people to be upfront with me, because I do believe peoples words, that’s because I need them to believe mine.
Why do they do it? I actually think it’s to leave you as an option, because that’s online dating, people will have a list of options. *just my oppinion.
I agree with you.
And to be left as an option is a horrible feeling.
That’s why I can’t do it anymore. Not until I grow some really thick skin, but but not till then.
Dating and Fab, are different things to me. I’ve got a thick enough skin (although things still bother me) to accept we are all options for people in here.
But to think you are an option when you want to exclusively give your feelings to someone who you’d like to date and have a relationship with is horrible. You both have to be on the same page. (Just my opinion). And I’m open to an open relationship, so there’s that I’m still trying to figure out "
I totally understand your point.
For me Fab is all about very raw emotions, because I feel like this when it comes to my body. I can’t help it because I feel it’s not a place for me.
I don’t even go into dating territory so that’s a completely abstract concept to me, but you’re damn right Woody.
I hope you’re going to figure out things for yourself, and I genuinely mean it. |
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By *inger_Snap OP Woman
over a year ago
Hampshire/Dorset |
"Have such a hard time just being honest?
Like if you've lost interest, or changed your mind about seeing someone, aren't feeling it... Why can't you just be upfront and say that?
Instead of some poor excuse (literally one you've seen 7356 times before)
Please explain menfolk of the forums
Like it's been mentioned before you are probably backup, if they were honest they think they will lose you.
They may genuinely don't want to hurt your feelings but but it makes it worse when they eventually tell you.
"
I actually don't think this is the case, in this particular situation. Whereas other times I would know it was... And this was someone I'd met and spent time with, so not just "online rudeness". That doesn't bother me so much. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Have such a hard time just being honest?
Like if you've lost interest, or changed your mind about seeing someone, aren't feeling it... Why can't you just be upfront and say that?
Instead of some poor excuse (literally one you've seen 7356 times before)
Please explain menfolk of the forums "
But in all seriousness as the many times and posts daily, most men here have never had such interactions daily, they’re here for the virtual fantasy the freaks get off on. Take it as a pinch of salt and don’t get hung up on it, it’s fab freak central. Yes I pay monthly yes the forums make me giggle, sadly many people here are struggling mental health wise, and yeah you’re an attractive middle aged women, I’m sure you won’t struggle x |
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Something is bothering you and niggling at you, and you cannot rationalise an irrational situation, no matter how hard to you try.
.
You seek closure and understanding but that is only possible with the full array of facts and truth at hand.
Essentially, you are at war with yourself.
.
A grenade of uncertainty has been lobbed at you, and you are deciding if you have been caught in its blast.
.
Well, the question really should be, do you want to be caught in the blast ?
.
Because this is an Irrational Grenade. It doesn't obey the normal laws of physics.
.
It is still in mid-flight. You are juggling your intended response.
.
1.You can catch it and chuck it back. That turns it in to a "Whatever Grenade".
2.Or you can dive clear out of the way, which turns it in to a "Phew, dodged that one Grenade"
3.Or you can let it blow up in your face, and no one wants that. Nope.
.
The issue is, you cannot see if the grenade has had the firing pin removed or not. The Grenade might be True, or it might be False.
.
You might not even have a way of knowing.
.
Which is why Option 2 is always the kindest to yourself option.
.
If the grenade was a lie, then you are clear and unhurt.
If the grenade was not a lie, you are still clear and unhurt.
.
I hope you find peace. |
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By *TG3Man
over a year ago
Swanage |
"Have such a hard time just being honest?
Like if you've lost interest, or changed your mind about seeing someone, aren't feeling it... Why can't you just be upfront and say that?
Instead of some poor excuse (literally one you've seen 7356 times before)
Please explain menfolk of the forums "
In what context though? |
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