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How to treat a bully if they won’t stop
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By *j AME E OP Man 10 weeks ago
solihull |
Had a situation where someone was constantly goading me calling me homophonic abuse at a social event… I tried to laugh and joke it off but said person wouldn’t stop with insults .. making me feel , tbh like shit and completely ruined my 1 night of precious social time.
my question to you fabbers is, what would you do to shut them up ?
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Is this person known to you? How did they know about your sexuality?
Violence never solves anything, might make you feel better but definitely not the answer. If this person can be avoided in future then I’d do that, of course we all have our limits and we can all cross a line, but any such abuse can be reported properly if it persists. |
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By *bi HaiveMan 10 weeks ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
Abuse is never acceptable. What kind of social events was it - swinging or vanilla? Either way would there not have been an event organiser or host you could have had a word with?
Bully's only tend to continue when not called out on their behaviour.
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By *glyBettyTV/TS 10 weeks ago
Sitting on the table |
"Is this person known to you? How did they know about your sexuality?"
I believe OP is actually straight.
Sounds like someone was taking the piss out of him, but OP didn't have a sufficient arsenal of banter to throw back at his detractor.
OP, you should always have some go-to banter strategies in your locker, otherwise you can end up horribly exposed and embarrassed if you end up in scenarios like this.
If the situation doesn't warrant a physical response, it's your only recourse. |
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By *j AME E OP Man 10 weeks ago
solihull |
My behaviour saw red mist and hopefully they won’t treat anybody else the way they treated me … sometimes you have to stand up these scumbags no matter what it takes, and if you have to face any come backs… then at least the bully will think twice |
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"OP your profile says you’re straight. If that’s correct, how were they giving you homophobic abuse?
The post says "homophonic" abuse"
Calling him gay, when he's not. Bullies crave attention. If they don't get it, they go away, eventually. 🤓 |
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I know you are straight O.P. so I am guessing that the bully was implying you were gay and doing it out loud. It's still homophobic if they are using it as a slur as it implies that being gay is wrong or something to be ashamed of.
Don't get angry - and don't retaliate whilst feeling angry.
Very calmly ask him what is obsession is with homosexuals and that you are ready to listen if he wants to come out to you
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"OP your profile says you’re straight. If that’s correct, how were they giving you homophobic abuse?
The post says "homophonic" abuse"
So it does ! Shows how conditioned we can be when reading......
So I guess the bully was saying There , They're Their or Where , wear , ware |
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By *eilh4Man 10 weeks ago
Aberdeenshire |
Guy at work needled me constantly, I stood it for so long and then told him he should stop otherwise I would report it to management, then HR.
None of it worked. He carried on regardless.
Eventually, I left for a much better job at a competing firm.
One recruitment day when I was interviewing new-starts, who should rock up in his best suit but Mr Gob?
That was a job he didn't get. Awwww.
To be honest, he wouldn't have qualified, anyway, but just seeing the look on his face as he entered the interview suite was worth it. |
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"
The post says "homophonic" abuse
So it does ! Shows how conditioned we can be when reading......
So I guess the bully was saying There , They're Their or Where , wear , ware "
I would find that more offensive written down than if it was said to my face |
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By (user no longer on site) 10 weeks ago
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"If you’re straight, and find being called gay offensive, you need to ask yourself why you think being called gay is an insult."
Right so all that homophobic abuse thrown at gay people isn't offensive either? What are you on about. |
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Very calmly ask him what is obsession is with homosexuals and that you are ready to listen if he wants to come out to you
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This. Ask what his obsession is. Switch your body language and questioning style to Joe Pesci a'la Goodfellas. Hard serious question "whats your point? Only you've been yapping all night. Do you have something to say?".
See if a change of tack has any impact.
Good luck 👍 |
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"If you’re straight, and find being called gay offensive, you need to ask yourself why you think being called gay is an insult.
Right so all that homophobic abuse thrown at gay people isn't offensive either? What are you on about."
If someone called me straight I wouldn’t find it offensive. |
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"If you’re straight, and find being called gay offensive, you need to ask yourself why you think being called gay is an insult.
"
I get where you are coming from G.U.D but sometimes it's not the language but the intent.
Wondering why someone is trying to make you the butt of their jokes in front of others is what causes discomfort - not always the words used.... it's the constant asking 'why' your supposed mate is trying to outshine by making you small that hurts.
Why does anyone have to distinguish between the behaviours/features of people based on gender in any case? |
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By (user no longer on site) 10 weeks ago
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Violence is sometimes the answer. In this case, probably not. But for what it's worth, it's not your fault for not having "sufficient banter" to count him. And the people around you really should have stood in to tell him to wind it in.
If it were me I would firstly have "playfully" mocked his homophobia, then if it happened a second time I would have told him that's enough and it's time to wind it in. Then if I felt like the people around me would have backed me up, on the third time I would have told him that he's no longer welcome and he can go back to the bar (or whatever) and find someone else to spend time with (if not I would have excused myself and left them to it).
The important thing is not to hang around and "take it". If he's popular enough in the group you're with that they're gonna take his side instead of yours, walk away. Otherwise you're telling everyone, him included, that it's okay. It sucks but it's better than the alternatives. |
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By *glyBettyTV/TS 10 weeks ago
Sitting on the table |
"Violence is sometimes the answer. In this case, probably not. But for what it's worth, it's not your fault for not having "sufficient banter" to count him. And the people around you really should have stood in to tell him to wind it in."
You can't go around punching people in the face just because they took the piss out of you, and it's not up to other people to stand up for you, as an adult you have to stand up for yourself.
The only reasonable response is to give back banter as good as you get it. |
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Couple of years ago I was in a pub socially not dressed up but in normal attire. A guy noticed I had a gay pride rainbow wrist band. Started mouthing off making homophobic abuse towards me. Told him to stop but carried on.
So i stood on a table then in a loud voice announced to everyone in the pub lets give a round of applause to welcoming in this guy making sexist and homophobic calls. Everybody stopped looked at him then started clapping.
Never seen a guy go so quiet and embarrassed and left quickly. I even got a free drink from landlady |
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By (user no longer on site) 10 weeks ago
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"Violence is sometimes the answer. In this case, probably not. But for what it's worth, it's not your fault for not having "sufficient banter" to count him. And the people around you really should have stood in to tell him to wind it in.
You can't go around punching people in the face just because they took the piss out of you, and it's not up to other people to stand up for you, as an adult you have to stand up for yourself.
The only reasonable response is to give back banter as good as you get it."
Homophobic abuse is part of how homophobes push homosexuality back underground, and it's a big part of why (especially young) gay people disproportionately take their own lives. It's not "banter", even if it's directed at a straight person - it's dangerous and it's harmful.
Violence has been incredibly effective at making homophobes think twice about where and when they spout their homophobia. I'm not encouraging it - almost all of the time there's a better way of dealing with it - but yeh, sometimes violence has been the answer, and sometimes it will be. Ruling it out is a gift to people who want you dead and gone. |
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"Violence is sometimes the answer. In this case, probably not. But for what it's worth, it's not your fault for not having "sufficient banter" to count him. And the people around you really should have stood in to tell him to wind it in.
You can't go around punching people in the face just because they took the piss out of you, and it's not up to other people to stand up for you, as an adult you have to stand up for yourself.
The only reasonable response is to give back banter as good as you get it."
I’m really against responding with banter. It creates a gamification where boundaries disappear and you can’t reassert them later.
Calling out the motive works though. ‘Yawn are you a bit insecure mate? You seem to have one joke and begging for a bit of attention. Move on you’re getting a bit boring’. |
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"Simple, play off the fact that it's concerning that your sexual orientation is on your mind so much, maybe some repressed emotions? We're all a safe space here so feel free to open up to us all?  "
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By (user no longer on site) 10 weeks ago
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Violence is never the answer. Either you come off worse or if you get the better of him then you could end up in court, fined, in the paper and barred from the venue. The first form of self defence is to walk away and only fight if attacked or cornered. So sorry this happened to you. |
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OP.
We really need more information and context regarding this and your response?
Obviously bullying is not on so regardless of the situation not acceptable.
But it sounds like your response may have been over the top as well.
Maybe I just have a thick skin for over 40 year's in the building trade where it's very much a toxic environment, I tend to just let it go over my head these days, but you do get these Aggy little fuckers who just can't drop it and keep on and on and on......
Walk away karma always catches up with them eventually. |
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By (user no longer on site) 10 weeks ago
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My understanding is homophobic abuse can include abuse to people who are perceived to be gay.
I don’t think calling someone straight ‘gay’ is what I’d include in it but can see how in certain contexts calling someone gay (whether they are or not) can be insulting.
But I also think that people can direct violent (not just physical) homophobia at cishet people who you perceive to be gay even if they are not. The abuse is homophobic whether the person receiving it is belonging to that group or not.
How you feel about it will likely be different of course but yeah.
Happy to be corrected and to learn on this |
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Bullies give up the moment they get hurt, even if you loose the fight they usually don't bother again because they know you're willing to hurt them. It's sad that it sometimes has to come to that but it works. In the meantime chin up mate, and if you want a better chance at winning start training, boxing, bjj, judo etc. |
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"Ur forehead right on the end of his nose m8 would have been the answer "
This I found this or the immediate threat of hospitalising someone if they are bullying / going way over to insult ends it immediately.
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By *glyBettyTV/TS 10 weeks ago
Sitting on the table |
"Violence is sometimes the answer. In this case, probably not. But for what it's worth, it's not your fault for not having "sufficient banter" to count him. And the people around you really should have stood in to tell him to wind it in.
You can't go around punching people in the face just because they took the piss out of you, and it's not up to other people to stand up for you, as an adult you have to stand up for yourself.
The only reasonable response is to give back banter as good as you get it.
I’m really against responding with banter. It creates a gamification where boundaries disappear and you can’t reassert them later.
Calling out the motive works though. ‘Yawn are you a bit insecure mate? You seem to have one joke and begging for a bit of attention. Move on you’re getting a bit boring’. "
You set the boundaries by responding. It sets the boundary of "you ain't going to take the piss out of me in public and think I won't do it back".
The problem with a lot of these situations is many people don't know how to moderate their response to match the scenario. They either get too emotional or don't respond at all, and this just makes other people think you're irrational or a soft-touch.
I doubt OPs detractor was trying to make some kind of profound political point, it sounds like he was just a bully, and by getting upset (or appearing to get upset) you're giving them the kind of feedback that validates them. |
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"Is this person known to you? How did they know about your sexuality?
I believe OP is actually straight.
Sounds like someone was taking the piss out of him, but OP didn't have a sufficient arsenal of banter to throw back at his detractor.
OP, you should always have some go-to banter strategies in your locker, otherwise you can end up horribly exposed and embarrassed if you end up in scenarios like this.
If the situation doesn't warrant a physical response, it's your only recourse."
It's not banter, though, if it's all one way. |
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By *glyBettyTV/TS 10 weeks ago
Sitting on the table |
"Is this person known to you? How did they know about your sexuality?
I believe OP is actually straight.
Sounds like someone was taking the piss out of him, but OP didn't have a sufficient arsenal of banter to throw back at his detractor.
OP, you should always have some go-to banter strategies in your locker, otherwise you can end up horribly exposed and embarrassed if you end up in scenarios like this.
If the situation doesn't warrant a physical response, it's your only recourse.
It's not banter, though, if it's all one way."
Only you can allow it to be all one way if you choose not to respond. |
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"Is this person known to you? How did they know about your sexuality?
I believe OP is actually straight.
Sounds like someone was taking the piss out of him, but OP didn't have a sufficient arsenal of banter to throw back at his detractor.
OP, you should always have some go-to banter strategies in your locker, otherwise you can end up horribly exposed and embarrassed if you end up in scenarios like this.
If the situation doesn't warrant a physical response, it's your only recourse.
It's not banter, though, if it's all one way.
Only you can allow it to be all one way if you choose not to respond."
But what if someone doesn't want to get involved with the back and forth banter? Is it still banter then? |
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I’m afraid my strategy in this instance would simply have been to front them out, very loudly. A ‘Why don’t you fuck of back down the hole you crawled out of and take your pathetic attempts at shit stirring with you’, will usually make it pretty clear that you are not ‘up’ for ‘banter’. |
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My response to bullies is no response.
For a start I'm not fast or creative enough with the banter but aside from that I believe any engagement is an escalation.
The only thing you can control in a situation like that is yourself. You may simply choose to remove yourself or you might share what's happening with some allies and gain support.
If there's a way you can you can gain the strength to let a bullies abuse wash over you, you will see the dynamic from a different point of you.
I do enjoy sucking the air out of a bully by letting them see that I'm completely unaffected.
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By *glyBettyTV/TS 10 weeks ago
Sitting on the table |
"Is this person known to you? How did they know about your sexuality?
I believe OP is actually straight.
Sounds like someone was taking the piss out of him, but OP didn't have a sufficient arsenal of banter to throw back at his detractor.
OP, you should always have some go-to banter strategies in your locker, otherwise you can end up horribly exposed and embarrassed if you end up in scenarios like this.
If the situation doesn't warrant a physical response, it's your only recourse.
It's not banter, though, if it's all one way.
Only you can allow it to be all one way if you choose not to respond.
But what if someone doesn't want to get involved with the back and forth banter? Is it still banter then?"
What is your definition of banter?
I consider any kind of combative verbal exchange that doesn't have any other agenda behind it besides belittling the other person, and doesn't carry any threat of violence, to be banter tbh.
You don't have to like someone's banter/ribbing/piss taking or whatever you want to call it, but if you don't respond in a proportionate way to the situation, you're the only one who comes off looking bad. |
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"Had a situation where someone was constantly goading me calling me homophonic abuse at a social event… I tried to laugh and joke it off but said person wouldn’t stop with insults .. making me feel , tbh like shit and completely ruined my 1 night of precious social time.
my question to you fabbers is, what would you do to shut them up ?
"
Walk away with my head held high. People like that don't deserve my time. |
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I’m so heavy on respect and personal space ..and it should be reciprocal .
You get two warnings …and I’ll make people around aware of the situation…so when the Brixton in me comes out n you find yourself getting mauled and mishandled you don’t cry victim lol |
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By (user no longer on site) 10 weeks ago
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"My understanding is homophobic abuse can include abuse to people who are perceived to be gay.
I don’t think calling someone straight ‘gay’ is what I’d include in it but can see how in certain contexts calling someone gay (whether they are or not) can be insulting.
But I also think that people can direct violent (not just physical) homophobia at cishet people who you perceive to be gay even if they are not. The abuse is homophobic whether the person receiving it is belonging to that group or not.
How you feel about it will likely be different of course but yeah.
Happy to be corrected and to learn on this"
I dunno if I have anything to "teach", as such. A common thing I've seen is for people to rip someone else for being gay, that they know isn't gay, to "correct" perceived gender transgressions, or just more generally to project that being gay isn't okay in their view.
One of the reasons it works so well is that the defense isn't "it's fine to be gay, fuck off mate", but more often "I'm not gay so leave me alone". And if you take the former route then others will perceive you as white knighting (since you're not actually gay, so why are you fighting someone else's battles).
It reinforces, without any gay people being in the room, that being gay is wrong and undesirable - and discourages other men from doing anything that could be perceived to be gay.
And notably, they don't tend to do it to anyone they think might respond violently, because if you win that fight you just beat someone up for being gay (which looks bad) or you just got beaten up for insulting someone (which doesn't endear people to your cause). |
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Nothing.
Bullies like audiences. Walk away and don't engage. If they come after you, then walk straight up to the closest security person and have them removed. The host will ban any abusive people from the event. So make sure you tell them. |
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Of course it depends on the setting. Some situations call for dicretion, going to a specific person. Some call for something more overt. If its the latter, wit and banter are your first area e.g. "you calling me gay cause you hoping I put my cock in you and dick you down". On some occassions you do have to step up and headbutt a bitch |
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By *j AME E OP Man 10 weeks ago
solihull |
Thanks for all you comments… no matter what gender we are , if your slandered it is racism and it can’t be tolerated… sometimes the bully must understand after asking politely several times or more then firm action must be applied to shut them up |
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By (user no longer on site) 10 weeks ago
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"Had a situation where someone was constantly goading me calling me homophonic abuse at a social event… I tried to laugh and joke it off but said person wouldn’t stop with insults .. making me feel , tbh like shit and completely ruined my 1 night of precious social time.
my question to you fabbers is, what would you do to shut them up ?
"
Prove him wrong
Shag him |
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By (user no longer on site) 10 weeks ago
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Maybe grow up and ignore him… it’s not school.
Words are just noises you don’t like, no point in crying about them. You responding is feeding him.
You whining about it AFTER the event shows him he has won. |
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That happens alot by the men who are threatend by you because theyre not comfortable in they're own sexuality a truly straight guy would leave you alone if youre causing him no harm a old school bully of mine turned out to be gay years later after calling me a puff all the time for bothering with fenales |
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By *entonMan 10 weeks ago
Wakefield |
"Listen sunshine, I'm a lover not a fighter so I'm not gonna threaten you or knock your block off for spouting shit at me or anything like that. So let's just be mates yeah? Nice one!
So I'll guess I'll see you at breakfast after I've been fucking yer mam all night"
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By (user no longer on site) 10 weeks ago
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Just put it back on them.
Ask kindly if the person is OK, tell them you can see they have issues they want to address but unfortunately you are not interested in helping them figure things out so could you please move along, thanks.
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"Had a situation where someone was constantly goading me calling me homophonic abuse at a social event… I tried to laugh and joke it off but said person wouldn’t stop with insults .. making me feel , tbh like shit and completely ruined my 1 night of precious social time.
my question to you fabbers is, what would you do to shut them up ?
"
This is not clear, is that someone saying you are homophonic or was that someone scared of men getting to close to him? |
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"I know you are straight O.P. so I am guessing that the bully was implying you were gay and doing it out loud. It's still homophobic if they are using it as a slur as it implies that being gay is wrong or something to be ashamed of.
Don't get angry - and don't retaliate whilst feeling angry.
Very calmly ask him what is obsession is with homosexuals and that you are ready to listen if he wants to come out to you
"
All over this...
My only caveat would be prospective retalition through volience.
The individual might be goading because they don't like the OP and want a bust up.
I would definitely remove myself from the negativity first and foremost. I would also inform the event organisers of the incident.
Most will not tolerate such behaviours and will ask individuals to leave and if the don't, then they should a least have individual banded in the future.
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Lots of good advice here to suit different types of people. I think these rules may apply to all of them.
1) Don’t react.
2) Stay calm.
3) Take this moment to choose how you will respond.
4) If you respond use the room to your advantage.
My personal go to in these situations is to turn my self to the aggressor, that’s my whole body not just my head, look them in the eye and calmly tell them “You should leave me in peace.” Don’t shout this but if you can project do, so that anyone around is in on it. Continue looking them in the eye in a calm silence. Nb looking in one eye helps you look more confident to them. |
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Bullying is often insidious and always nasty. Sometimes it can be stopped but frequently it can't by any other means than removing yourself from the situation.
Also to be absolutely clear, bullying and banter are not the same thing. |
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It depends on the person, but generally rise above and beyond it, don’t let it bother you in the slightest. If you can get that point, then you will have the confidence and wit to give them back 2x what they are giving you.
Like I would maybe say something like you’re clearly curious about same-sex stuff but honestly even if I was gay, you would not be my type. Why don’t you go and fuck one of those lady boys over there and let’s have less of the gay talk over here alright ? |
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some of the best comeback one liners come from gay comedians ...so hurtful ...better than breaking there nose ....
" your to ugly to be gay"
"Does your carer know your here?"
get up close ..into there personal space ..."wanna see best magic trick ever"
(they always say yes )
" when i snap my fingers you will forget you were ever gay "...click...
i saw the above performed at the marlowe theatre ...brilliant comebacks |
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