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Doctors say the funniest things
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By *ello OP Woman 20 weeks ago
alpha centauri |
Some Doctors say the funniest things don't they.
What things has a Doctor/consultant said to you during an appointment which made you raise an eyebrow say 'uh, erm. Wtf' did I actually hear that correctly ?
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By *ello OP Woman 20 weeks ago
alpha centauri |
A consultant told my daughter that her two badly infected ingrowing toenails just needed soap and water, when I queried how soap and water will get the nails which were both deeply embedded to magically un-ingrown, he spluttered 'oh well we can operate if you want that'. Lol so it went from soap and water to an actual operation on both feet 
And I've been asked my a consultant who was reviewing my test results if I had been exposed to lots of radiation or grew up in a place that had alot of radiation like Chernobyl  wow after that I had to turn the lights off to see if I was glowing in the dark |
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By *riel13Woman 20 weeks ago
Northampton |
I got laughed at by a doctor after going to the nurse because I fell down the stairs but didn't think the lump on my bum cheek warranted a docs appointment... It did but ya know... And having to suggest that my son had severe thrush in his mouth after a course of anti biotics, when it hadn't even been suggested in the large amount of time he had been there... His lips were black! They weren't sure why until I mentioned that... They already knew about the anti biotics aswell  |
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I've been told numerous times my BMI is too high (obese category) and they want me to lose two stone to get my BMI into the 'healthy' range 
If I lost two stone I would look like Skelotor
BMI is bullshit  |
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My ex wife had a problem with thrush and the doctor suggested painting her vagina with gentian violet. She asked if I could apply it. The doctor asked if I was a gynaecologist. She said no... He's an interior decorator |
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By *ello OP Woman 20 weeks ago
alpha centauri |
"I was once told my vagina was perfect by a gynaecologist  No bullshit! Should have asked for a certificate, I’d be getting all the action round here.
Mrs TMN x"
A Nurse during my smear test said I had a pretty cervix, I told all my friends and had a smile for weeks, not sure why it made me so happy lol |
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By *ello OP Woman 20 weeks ago
alpha centauri |
"Not a Dr but a male Chiropodist once told me, as my foot was in his lap, that I had lovely feet.
Awkward! 😐 "
Ok that's a tad creepy to be told that by a chiropodist during a treatment |
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By *ello OP Woman 20 weeks ago
alpha centauri |
"My ex wife had a problem with thrush and the doctor suggested painting her vagina with gentian violet. She asked if I could apply it. The doctor asked if I was a gynaecologist. She said no... He's an interior decorator "
Would he stop halfway for a tea break, oh and the biscuit crumbs would irritate just as much as the thrush |
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By *a LunaWoman 20 weeks ago
o o OO o o |
"My ex wife had a problem with thrush and the doctor suggested painting her vagina with gentian violet. She asked if I could apply it. The doctor asked if I was a gynaecologist. She said no... He's an interior decorator "
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By *ello OP Woman 20 weeks ago
alpha centauri |
"I had a letter from a doctor in which he stated *in writing* that and I quote directly
'this woman appears normal'.
Not everyone has medical proof of that."
Worth framing that and putting on display |
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"I had to laugh/cry when the consultant told me that I may feel a little uncomfortable whilst he stuck a camera up my dick,🤣😭
Yeah 'a little uncomfortable' is medical speak for absolute agony "
And the so called numbing gel they use is false advertising,🤣 |
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"I had to laugh/cry when the consultant told me that I may feel a little uncomfortable whilst he stuck a camera up my dick,🤣😭
Yeah 'a little uncomfortable' is medical speak for absolute agony
And the so called numbing gel they use is false advertising,🤣"
Yep. It only numbs the entry point.
I had a cystoscopy and the numbing gel might as well have been washing up liquid for all the food it was |
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"I had to laugh/cry when the consultant told me that I may feel a little uncomfortable whilst he stuck a camera up my dick,🤣😭
Yeah 'a little uncomfortable' is medical speak for absolute agony
And the so called numbing gel they use is false advertising,🤣
Yep. It only numbs the entry point.
I had a cystoscopy and the numbing gel might as well have been washing up liquid for all the food it was "
I had EMG tests on my urethral sphincter. That involved them inserting a thin needle into the muscle at the entry to my urethra.
I've had better days out. |
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I had really messed up my hand in a motorbike accident. Two fingers on my left were totally fucked up. And looked really weird, and bent in unnatural ways.
The ambulance crew said they seemed fine. And that hopefully they would ping back into shape. Erm....really?
Lol
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"I've been told numerous times my BMI is too high (obese category) and they want me to lose two stone to get my BMI into the 'healthy' range
If I lost two stone I would look like Skelotor
BMI is bullshit "
It's not but you do need a clinician who can interpret the results and not just read them. |
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By (user no longer on site) 20 weeks ago
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A few years back I was asking my GP for some stronger painkillers over the phone whilst waiting for spine surgery. (I was going private for the surgery and couldn't really walk and was in intense pain.)
I told him I'm paying 10 grand to be operated on shortly. He said "..really ..is that how much it's costing?..we've let you down haven't we.."
.
-Not really funny..
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In A&E, during anaphylaxis, I had a doctor read my ECG and ask me how long I had heart issues. Errrm never and still never. Because the anaphylaxis wasn't text book, they had problems diagnosing it |
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By *ello OP Woman 20 weeks ago
alpha centauri |
" A few years back I was asking my GP for some stronger painkillers over the phone whilst waiting for spine surgery. (I was going private for the surgery and couldn't really walk and was in intense pain.)
I told him I'm paying 10 grand to be operated on shortly. He said "..really ..is that how much it's costing?..we've let you down haven't we.."
.
-Not really funny..
"
I do think drs get so upset and frustrated with not be able to provide the care they want, it all comes down to funding. But I don't think they're meant to tell you things like this |
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By (user no longer on site) 20 weeks ago
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" A few years back I was asking my GP for some stronger painkillers over the phone whilst waiting for spine surgery. (I was going private for the surgery and couldn't really walk and was in intense pain.)
I told him I'm paying 10 grand to be operated on shortly. He said "..really ..is that how much it's costing?..we've let you down haven't we.."
.
-Not really funny..
I do think drs get so upset and frustrated with not be able to provide the care they want, it all comes down to funding. But I don't think they're meant to tell you things like this "
I told him I was sourcing cannabis oil illegally and even that combined with morphine wasn't touching the pain.
I couldn't wait 2 years or more for an operation in that pain...I probably would have taken my own life.
It permanently felt like both my legs had snapped / I had been run over. |
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Sad to say but plenty of Drs are winging it, while a fair minority are incompetent. Have had two major and one minor conditions completely misdiagnosed/ignored and in one case mistreated at great expense. A niece almost died because the Dr got her diagnosis completely wrong.  |
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"A consultant told my daughter that her two badly infected ingrowing toenails just needed soap and water, when I queried how soap and water will get the nails which were both deeply embedded to magically un-ingrown, he spluttered 'oh well we can operate if you want that'. Lol so it went from soap and water to an actual operation on both feet
And I've been asked my a consultant who was reviewing my test results if I had been exposed to lots of radiation or grew up in a place that had alot of radiation like Chernobyl wow after that I had to turn the lights off to see if I was glowing in the dark"
Oh, it's radiation, I thought it was the sun shining out of your arse 😂😂 🌞🐴 |
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"Sad to say but plenty of Drs are winging it, while a fair minority are incompetent. Have had two major and one minor conditions completely misdiagnosed/ignored and in one case mistreated at great expense. A niece almost died because the Dr got her diagnosis completely wrong. "
This and some consultants are waste if space and arrogant to go with it. And that after waiting months or even years for appointments. Sometimes getting there and not even who you were expecting but someone they just dragged in for the day with not a clue and nit even read your records. |
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By *a LunaWoman 20 weeks ago
o o OO o o |
"Sad to say but plenty of Drs are winging it, while a fair minority are incompetent. Have had two major and one minor conditions completely misdiagnosed/ignored and in one case mistreated at great expense. A niece almost died because the Dr got her diagnosis completely wrong. "
My nan’s GP misdiagnosed her with Shingles. She had in fact had a brain haemorrhage |
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By *ello OP Woman 20 weeks ago
alpha centauri |
"A consultant told my daughter that her two badly infected ingrowing toenails just needed soap and water, when I queried how soap and water will get the nails which were both deeply embedded to magically un-ingrown, he spluttered 'oh well we can operate if you want that'. Lol so it went from soap and water to an actual operation on both feet
And I've been asked my a consultant who was reviewing my test results if I had been exposed to lots of radiation or grew up in a place that had alot of radiation like Chernobyl wow after that I had to turn the lights off to see if I was glowing in the dark
Oh, it's radiation, I thought it was the sun shining out of your arse 😂😂 🌞🐴"
Pmsl, my arse IS amazing, it shines on the worthy and is also where I pull all of my wit out from  |
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" A few years back I was asking my GP for some stronger painkillers over the phone whilst waiting for spine surgery. (I was going private for the surgery and couldn't really walk and was in intense pain.)
I told him I'm paying 10 grand to be operated on shortly. He said "..really ..is that how much it's costing?..we've let you down haven't we.."
.
-Not really funny..
I do think drs get so upset and frustrated with not be able to provide the care they want, it all comes down to funding. But I don't think they're meant to tell you things like this
I told him I was sourcing cannabis oil illegally and even that combined with morphine wasn't touching the pain.
I couldn't wait 2 years or more for an operation in that pain...I probably would have taken my own life.
It permanently felt like both my legs had snapped / I had been run over."
It's likely you should have had neuropathic pain meds as well. |
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"A consultant told my daughter that her two badly infected ingrowing toenails just needed soap and water, when I queried how soap and water will get the nails which were both deeply embedded to magically un-ingrown, he spluttered 'oh well we can operate if you want that'. Lol so it went from soap and water to an actual operation on both feet
And I've been asked my a consultant who was reviewing my test results if I had been exposed to lots of radiation or grew up in a place that had alot of radiation like Chernobyl wow after that I had to turn the lights off to see if I was glowing in the dark
Oh, it's radiation, I thought it was the sun shining out of your arse 😂😂 🌞🐴
Pmsl, my arse IS amazing, it shines on the worthy and is also where I pull all of my wit out from "
My arse is more coherent on some days |
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I had a bit off uh oh moment relating to the crown jewels anyway...one of the final checks was an ultra sound thing ...
goes into the room lady nurse middle aged .. which threw me into a unexpected oh no panic about the obvious happening as this was going to be up close and personal ..
I have never been so embarrassed in all my life
being instructed to hold my willy this way that way having my sack manipulated and pulled taut that way and the other way..
bless her she must of sensed my awkward embarrassment
And then at the end she declared that's a happy ending it all looks to be in perfect working order to me ... your results will be documented for the doctor
I was dressed and out that door in about 5 seconds ... steam evaporating off my glowing face
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By (user no longer on site) 20 weeks ago
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" A few years back I was asking my GP for some stronger painkillers over the phone whilst waiting for spine surgery. (I was going private for the surgery and couldn't really walk and was in intense pain.)
I told him I'm paying 10 grand to be operated on shortly. He said "..really ..is that how much it's costing?..we've let you down haven't we.."
.
-Not really funny..
I do think drs get so upset and frustrated with not be able to provide the care they want, it all comes down to funding. But I don't think they're meant to tell you things like this
I told him I was sourcing cannabis oil illegally and even that combined with morphine wasn't touching the pain.
I couldn't wait 2 years or more for an operation in that pain...I probably would have taken my own life.
It permanently felt like both my legs had snapped / I had been run over.
It's likely you should have had neuropathic pain meds as well."
I think I had some of those already.
Discs were actually cracking/ breaking and the pieces were sticking into the nerves.
Had 2 operations. |
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By *ello OP Woman 20 weeks ago
alpha centauri |
"I had a bit off uh oh moment relating to the crown jewels anyway...one of the final checks was an ultra sound thing ...
goes into the room lady nurse middle aged .. which threw me into a unexpected oh no panic about the obvious happening as this was going to be up close and personal ..
I have never been so embarrassed in all my life
being instructed to hold my willy this way that way having my sack manipulated and pulled taut that way and the other way..
bless her she must of sensed my awkward embarrassment
And then at the end she declared that's a happy ending it all looks to be in perfect working order to me ... your results will be documented for the doctor
I was dressed and out that door in about 5 seconds ... steam evaporating off my glowing face
"
If I had her job I would definitely use the words 'happy ending' constantly and 'lets see the little chap' |
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"A consultant told my daughter that her two badly infected ingrowing toenails just needed soap and water, when I queried how soap and water will get the nails which were both deeply embedded to magically un-ingrown, he spluttered 'oh well we can operate if you want that'. Lol so it went from soap and water to an actual operation on both feet
And I've been asked my a consultant who was reviewing my test results if I had been exposed to lots of radiation or grew up in a place that had alot of radiation like Chernobyl wow after that I had to turn the lights off to see if I was glowing in the dark
Oh, it's radiation, I thought it was the sun shining out of your arse 😂😂 🌞🐴
Pmsl, my arse IS amazing, it shines on the worthy and is also where I pull all of my wit out from "
You're right, it is amazing, I've fabbed it...twice. 😃
You said wit, I really hope that's not a typo 😂 |
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By *ello OP Woman 20 weeks ago
alpha centauri |
"A consultant told my daughter that her two badly infected ingrowing toenails just needed soap and water, when I queried how soap and water will get the nails which were both deeply embedded to magically un-ingrown, he spluttered 'oh well we can operate if you want that'. Lol so it went from soap and water to an actual operation on both feet
And I've been asked my a consultant who was reviewing my test results if I had been exposed to lots of radiation or grew up in a place that had alot of radiation like Chernobyl wow after that I had to turn the lights off to see if I was glowing in the dark
Oh, it's radiation, I thought it was the sun shining out of your arse 😂😂 🌞🐴
Pmsl, my arse IS amazing, it shines on the worthy and is also where I pull all of my wit out from
You're right, it is amazing, I've fabbed it...twice. 😃
You said wit, I really hope that's not a typo 😂"
Sorry was meant to say 'charm'  |
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By *ello OP Woman 20 weeks ago
alpha centauri |
"When I was 17 my family doctor told me I’d be dead before I was 25 because I was a poof, I’d never get life insurance and I’d be removed from the medical practice. This was in 1994."
Wow, what a prick he was |
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"I had a bit off uh oh moment relating to the crown jewels anyway...one of the final checks was an ultra sound thing ...
goes into the room lady nurse middle aged .. which threw me into a unexpected oh no panic about the obvious happening as this was going to be up close and personal ..
I have never been so embarrassed in all my life
being instructed to hold my willy this way that way having my sack manipulated and pulled taut that way and the other way..
bless her she must of sensed my awkward embarrassment
And then at the end she declared that's a happy ending it all looks to be in perfect working order to me ... your results will be documented for the doctor
I was dressed and out that door in about 5 seconds ... steam evaporating off my glowing face
If I had her job I would definitely use the words 'happy ending' constantly and 'lets see the little chap'"
lol yep deal with the elephant in the room early |
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By (user no longer on site) 20 weeks ago
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"I had a bit off uh oh moment relating to the crown jewels anyway...one of the final checks was an ultra sound thing ...
goes into the room lady nurse middle aged .. which threw me into a unexpected oh no panic about the obvious happening as this was going to be up close and personal ..
I have never been so embarrassed in all my life
being instructed to hold my willy this way that way having my sack manipulated and pulled taut that way and the other way..
bless her she must of sensed my awkward embarrassment
And then at the end she declared that's a happy ending it all looks to be in perfect working order to me ... your results will be documented for the doctor
I was dressed and out that door in about 5 seconds ... steam evaporating off my glowing face
If I had her job I would definitely use the words 'happy ending' constantly and 'lets see the little chap'
lol yep deal with the elephant in the room early "
You been perving my profile |
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"I had a bit off uh oh moment relating to the crown jewels anyway...one of the final checks was an ultra sound thing ...
goes into the room lady nurse middle aged .. which threw me into a unexpected oh no panic about the obvious happening as this was going to be up close and personal ..
I have never been so embarrassed in all my life
being instructed to hold my willy this way that way having my sack manipulated and pulled taut that way and the other way..
bless her she must of sensed my awkward embarrassment
And then at the end she declared that's a happy ending it all looks to be in perfect working order to me ... your results will be documented for the doctor
I was dressed and out that door in about 5 seconds ... steam evaporating off my glowing face
If I had her job I would definitely use the words 'happy ending' constantly and 'lets see the little chap'
lol yep deal with the elephant in the room early
You been perving my profile "
Pmsl I did not realise you was a game warden... big job that  |
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Had a cyst in one of my testes had it for ages and had it checked out and given the all clear.
Anyway it for one reason or another started to be a bit tender so went to the docs
He examined me and said that perhaps I was being overly sensitive and that if it was on his testicle it wouldn’t hurt him!
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"I had to laugh/cry when the consultant told me that I may feel a little uncomfortable whilst he stuck a camera up my dick,🤣😭
Yeah 'a little uncomfortable' is medical speak for absolute agony
And the so called numbing gel they use is false advertising,🤣"
Certainly is,plus they gave it a full three seconds to work before going for it. I found the flash bulb worse though |
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"I had to laugh/cry when the consultant told me that I may feel a little uncomfortable whilst he stuck a camera up my dick,🤣😭
Yeah 'a little uncomfortable' is medical speak for absolute agony
And the so called numbing gel they use is false advertising,🤣
Certainly is,plus they gave it a full three seconds to work before going for it. I found the flash bulb worse though "
It's when they send in a whole camera crew that you need to worry 😂🎥🎬🎞️ |
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At university I was about 20 got my first bout of piles, asked to strip below the waste, lie on my side I made the foolish mistake to look behind me, a nurse with what looked like a 3 foot syringe 💉 like something you'd inject a horse with.
I lost my virginity to that syringe |
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A doctor in a hospital once told me that I had Arnold Chiari syndrome and when I asked what that was he told me it was very difficult to explain and I would be better googling it.
That was a red flag for me and Google was very concerning so I asked my GP to explain it in more detail.
She said the other doctor was a spoofer because you have to be born with it and I'd had CT scans and an MRI, none of which showed any sign of a malformation.
I asked why he would have suggested it then and she said he had probably been reading about it that day and thought he would try it out on someone. |
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By (user no longer on site) 20 weeks ago
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"During a chiropractic appointment he stopped and said I probably have spina bifida due to some dimples on my low back.
But not to worry about it.
I was like WTF !"
Chiropractors lay in that kind of 'experimental' field i find.
I went to 4 different ones when I had spine issues.
Although you might find something beneficial in the beginning stages, I found physiotherapy much more useful. |
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"I had to laugh/cry when the consultant told me that I may feel a little uncomfortable whilst he stuck a camera up my dick,🤣😭
Was it a Polaroid camera? "
I couldn't look,🫣
It sure felt like it though,😂😂 |
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By (user no longer on site) 20 weeks ago
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"I had to laugh/cry when the consultant told me that I may feel a little uncomfortable whilst he stuck a camera up my dick,🤣😭
"
The camera going up is bad enough, but that first pee afterwards. Pure torture |
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By *avinaTVTV/TS 20 weeks ago
Transsexual Transylvania |
A dermatologist described me as having "Australian back", lol.
Basically, it's a very freckled back caused by sun damage, and you typically see it in caucasian people from hot, sunny countries like Australia. It's the legacy of spending hours in the sun without a shirt, and minimal sunscreen, if any, as a child. |
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I lost 5 stone in 6 months while not dieting or exercising.
Little bit concerning, so I booked an appointment with my GP, who congratulated me. She absolutely refused to take it seriously, even suggesting that "sometimes when we stop stressing about these things, they just happen naturally. Like those women who stop having IVF and end up pregnant".
It took many months and half a dozen appointments with different doctors to find one who would investigate. Turned out I had cancer.
During the treatment I was asked whether I'd allow students into the exam - not a problem, they all have to learn.
I wasn't expecting my gynae's very posh, very booming voice to loudly invite everyone to take a look at my "juicy little cervix".
Still not sure whether it was a compliment or cause for concern. |
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"I had to laugh/cry when the consultant told me that I may feel a little uncomfortable whilst he stuck a camera up my dick,🤣😭
The camera going up is bad enough, but that first pee afterwards. Pure torture"
That's bloody right mate,🔥😲 |
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Unfortunately I do know what your daughter is going through. Don't listen to that doctor and if it can be fixed get it done. I ended up having both mine removed and although it doesn't hurt at the time, recovery can be more of a pain in the ass than anything. And they don't look pretty. It's better than the constant infections and pain though. |
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An appropriate joke to lighten the mood?
A 50 year old woman goes to the doc because she finds a small lump on her breast. The doctor examines her and tells her she has nothing to worry about, he also compliments her by saying that she has the breasts of a 25 year old. Relieved and happy she goes home to hubby who didn’t look up from watching football on tv. “ By the way” she exclaimed “ I’m sure you will be pleased to know that the doctor says I’m ok and that I have the breasts of a 25year old” Hubby looks up and says “ did he mention your 50 year old twat?” “No” she replied “we didn’t talk about you!” |
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"I've been told numerous times my BMI is too high (obese category) and they want me to lose two stone to get my BMI into the 'healthy' range
If I lost two stone I would look like Skelotor
BMI is bullshit "
Same..... I'm a UK dress size 10, weigh just over 10 stone, I train 5 days a week in the gym and cardio train 5 days a week 2 but coz I'm 163cm tall, apparently that makes me overweight. BMI is absolutely 💯 bullshit! |
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"I had to laugh/cry when the consultant told me that I may feel a little uncomfortable whilst he stuck a camera up my dick,🤣😭
The camera going up is bad enough, but that first pee afterwards. Pure torture
That's bloody right mate,🔥😲"
same for us women |
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By *a LunaWoman 20 weeks ago
o o OO o o |
"An appropriate joke to lighten the mood?
A 50 year old woman goes to the doc because she finds a small lump on her breast. The doctor examines her and tells her she has nothing to worry about, he also compliments her by saying that she has the breasts of a 25 year old. Relieved and happy she goes home to hubby who didn’t look up from watching football on tv. “ By the way” she exclaimed “ I’m sure you will be pleased to know that the doctor says I’m ok and that I have the breasts of a 25year old” Hubby looks up and says “ did he mention your 50 year old twat?” “No” she replied “we didn’t talk about you!”"
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By *sWyldWoman 20 weeks ago
Edinburgh |
I was contacted about trialing a new medication. It sounded great. A week later I got a call back to say, I didn't meet the criteria as I wasn't overweight enough.
I really wanted this in writing to stick on my fridge! |
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By (user no longer on site) 20 weeks ago
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"But you’re numbed!", said to me as I cried out in pain while being stitched up after giving birth. I just thought, "Well, it clearly hasn’t fucking worked, has it???" But I was in autistic shutdown, so I couldn’t even say anything and just lay there in agony while he carried on stitching. |
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I was told that my endometriosis and polycystic ovaries would ‘be cured if I popped out a few kids’….
Also, it seems that all my health problems would be ‘cured’ if I dropped half my body weight to hit my healthy BMI….. I’d look like a child in a third world country if I dropped to 8st, the only time I was 8st I was about 7 years old….. |
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"I was told that my endometriosis and polycystic ovaries would ‘be cured if I popped out a few kids’….
Also, it seems that all my health problems would be ‘cured’ if I dropped half my body weight to hit my healthy BMI….. I’d look like a child in a third world country if I dropped to 8st, the only time I was 8st I was about 7 years old….."
That seems standard for endometriosis and polycycstic ovaries unfortunately. I remember being told that at aged 15 or so with my dad in the doctor's surgery. He didn't look impressed |
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"I was told that my endometriosis and polycystic ovaries would ‘be cured if I popped out a few kids’….
Also, it seems that all my health problems would be ‘cured’ if I dropped half my body weight to hit my healthy BMI….. I’d look like a child in a third world country if I dropped to 8st, the only time I was 8st I was about 7 years old…..
That seems standard for endometriosis and polycycstic ovaries unfortunately. I remember being told that at aged 15 or so with my dad in the doctor's surgery. He didn't look impressed "
It’s such an annoying get out of jail free excuse |
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""But you’re numbed!", said to me as I cried out in pain while being stitched up after giving birth. I just thought, "Well, it clearly hasn’t fucking worked, has it???" But I was in autistic shutdown, so I couldn’t even say anything and just lay there in agony while he carried on stitching."
Wimmiz don't feel pain, silly. Hysteroscopies - they tell you to take a paracetamol beforehand |
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By (user no longer on site) 20 weeks ago
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""But you’re numbed!", said to me as I cried out in pain while being stitched up after giving birth. I just thought, "Well, it clearly hasn’t fucking worked, has it???" But I was in autistic shutdown, so I couldn’t even say anything and just lay there in agony while he carried on stitching.
Wimmiz don't feel pain, silly. Hysteroscopies - they tell you to take a paracetamol beforehand "
Oh, I know! Fortunately, I had a very lovely team of women when I had my hysteroscopy who took my comfort very seriously. |
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