FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Ghosting and Gaslighting, Benching on fab.
Ghosting and Gaslighting, Benching on fab.
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Tactics of emotional abuse manipulation sites like this and dating sites have loads of this going on and not good for people’s mental health problems . A lot on fab are here are from bad relationships and have a lot of baggage and that on top is not a good mix. So think if you do that to people what your doing as it can be harmful. |
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I had a go at someone once I’m here because they said she’s a complete psycho I blocked & won’t be seeing her again - after he had sex.
Not always, but things generally get more intense after sex, so I think one of the nicest things you can do if you’re unsure about someone is just not have sex. Anything prior to that is just chatting or socials and if one of you disappears then just take it as an No and move on. |
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"What's benching?
It’s basically liking someone, continuing to see them and knowing they want something but not committing. Keeping them there just in case. "
spot on and I am sure a lot do it here and it’s not good for people mental health. |
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I think it's easy to get very different types of relationships and behaviour, within them, too readily conflated.
In Fab, there are long established ground rules that are specific to here - no reply = no thanks, is a clear example. Doing this, after some brief messages exchanged, trying to work out if there's mutually compatibility, would be starkly different, to people dating a while and then zero communication.
Whilst some here are open to dating, much of the issues are about not forming realistic expectations.
Nobody could reasonably know after reading he's easy going, likes a good laugh and pleases his partner first, with a couple of average pics, including one of his cock hanging out of something or other, if you have much chance of being a match. And yet many think it could.
Especially when he's got a status up saying he needs to empty his balls.
Too often expectations need to change. If you're primarily seeking no strings sex, it's not largely going to be with personality-free zombies, where there's zero connection but neither will it generally be inside a relationship that will potentially include meeting the rest of the family and wearing matching his and hers clothing  |
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I think it all boils down to not being an arsehole, I think it happens a lot online and offline when people are dating and it’s not good.
You never know what people are going through in their everyday lives or what has happened to them in the past so just be mindful.
Just be open and honest about what you and looking for and as clear as you can with the other person and again, don’t be a dick!! |
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I think people do carry baggage from previous relationships, probably in many cases for good reason.
It can be a fine balance between experience informing and sabotaging. Everyone has their 'stuff'. I think that's qualitatively different to being manipulator.
For me, my approach is to make the implied layer explicit - if things begin to feel awkward in some way. Manipulators tend to get defensive then. Sure you can hang around to discover the depth and flavour of manipulation - if so desired. Whereas those who are genuine, tend to appreciate an open conversation.
I'm sure some people don't appreciate my approach too. It is what works for me and is a quality I would want in any relationship. |
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"What's benching?
It’s basically liking someone, continuing to see them and knowing they want something but not committing. Keeping them there just in case. "
It reminds me of how Chris Rock described being in the friend zone: you're basically a dick in a glass jar. In case of emergency, break the glass |
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"What's benching?
It’s basically liking someone, continuing to see them and knowing they want something but not committing. Keeping them there just in case.
It reminds me of how Chris Rock described being in the friend zone: you're basically a dick in a glass jar. In case of emergency, break the glass"
Chris Rock is so good.🤣 |
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Another one is when either side gets angry & turns it onto you thats in the wrong , a family member of mine once told me to fill my back pack with bricks ( the stress) then put it onto my back , then I was asked to take all the bricks out of my back pack and say how it felt & I said “ so much better “ , here os another one , there is 2 things in life
1: Radiators
2: Drains
The best people to be around are the radiators as they bring warmth & love into your life , and those who get you down & drain you of energy are called drains. |
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"I think it all boils down to not being an arsehole, I think it happens a lot online and offline when people are dating and it’s not good.
You never know what people are going through in their everyday lives or what has happened to them in the past so just be mindful.
Just be open and honest about what you and looking for and as clear as you can with the other person and again, don’t be a dick!! "
|
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"I think it all boils down to not being an arsehole, I think it happens a lot online and offline when people are dating and it’s not good.
You never know what people are going through in their everyday lives or what has happened to them in the past so just be mindful.
Just be open and honest about what you and looking for and as clear as you can with the other person and again, don’t be a dick!! "
well said this post is spot on be mindful of people feelings as you never know about there mental health .x |
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"I think it all boils down to not being an arsehole, I think it happens a lot online and offline when people are dating and it’s not good.
You never know what people are going through in their everyday lives or what has happened to them in the past so just be mindful.
Just be open and honest about what you and looking for and as clear as you can with the other person and again, don’t be a dick!! well said this post is spot on be mindful of people feelings as you never know about there mental health .x"
Just be nice 👌🏻
If you can’t be nice don’t say anything at all.
Politeness is a forgotten art on fab at times x |
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On this site it’s important to take care of yourself. Set your own red lines. One of those that everyone should keep in mind is that swinging is (for the most part) no strings. Don’t catch feelings. Don’t fall in love.
That way you can’t be affected by “benching”, which personally I don’t even think is even possible when you’re entering a non-monogamous non-romantic situation. |
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Unfortunately we can't change other people's negative behaviour and asking or expecting them to change is a fools errand.
We can only change our own behaviour and if anything on here or other apps is seriously damaging your mental health then it might be better to have a good break, radically change how you use them, or even leave altogether. |
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"Unfortunately we can't change other people's negative behaviour and asking or expecting them to change is a fools errand.
We can only change our own behaviour and if anything on here or other apps is seriously damaging your mental health then it might be better to have a good break, radically change how you use them, or even leave altogether."
❤️ |
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"God some people are cunts. Please protect your mh on here and if it starts to get to you then take a break and talk to someone.
Ps I don't say cunt very often but i felt it was warranted. "
some just don’t think of other people’s feelings and when they really don’t know them well think it’s ok to do what ever they like and and get away with it thinking nothing about how it could affect there life’s can send some really over the edge. I Just think some people should be mindful of this . X |
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Yeah, it absolutely sucks. Being told one thing while their actions say another, wondering what I'm not offering that makes them hesitant to meet, not knowing where you stand and answers that feel like getting blood from a stone while worrying if asking the questions you want to ask makes you seem paranoid or overbearing. The fact it got too much was why I left so now it pretty much made me rethink my approach to Fab and the people I connect with which is far healthier. |
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"Unfortunately we can't change other people's negative behaviour and asking or expecting them to change is a fools errand.
We can only change our own behaviour and if anything on here or other apps is seriously damaging your mental health then it might be better to have a good break, radically change how you use them, or even leave altogether."
Totally agree with you ♥️
We are responsible for our own MH. That includes only doing what we are comfortable with.
I know for sure something I will not ever accept again and that’s lies. In any form. 1 lie and bye bye. To everyone in my life 🌈 |
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"Unfortunately we can't change other people's negative behaviour and asking or expecting them to change is a fools errand.
We can only change our own behaviour and if anything on here or other apps is seriously damaging your mental health then it might be better to have a good break, radically change how you use them, or even leave altogether.
Totally agree with you ♥️
We are responsible for our own MH. That includes only doing what we are comfortable with.
I know for sure something I will not ever accept again and that’s lies. In any form. 1 lie and bye bye. To everyone in my life 🌈"
Absofuckinlutely ❤️ |
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"What's benching?
It’s basically liking someone, continuing to see them and knowing they want something but not committing. Keeping them there just in case.
I didnt know it was called this "
Nor did I. I googled it. |
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If I think anyone wants more than I can give I tell them it won't be possible.
I'm not saying things change and I can give more, but I say how I'm feeling at the time and don't make promises.
I'm quite flaky at the moment, with no desire to commit anything.
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"If I think anyone wants more than I can give I tell them it won't be possible.
I'm not saying things change and I can give more, but I say how I'm feeling at the time and don't make promises.
I'm quite flaky at the moment, with no desire to commit anything.
"
👀 |
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 |
By (user no longer on site) 3 weeks ago
|
"With fuck buddy relationships we're all cocks in jars.
Brine, oil or spring water?
I use oil…guess that’s why they keep slipping away  "
Least friction, I guess. |
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By (user no longer on site) 3 weeks ago
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"With fuck buddy relationships we're all cocks in jars.
Brine, oil or spring water?
Brine is good for gut bacteria  "
I will start covering my dick in salt water and tell women it's beneficial for their health. |
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"Tactics of emotional abuse manipulation sites like this and dating sites have loads of this going on and not good for people’s mental health problems . A lot on fab are here are from bad relationships and have a lot of baggage and that on top is not a good mix. So think if you do that to people what your doing as it can be harmful. "
Very well said OP, and thanks for explaining benching.
On a slightly off topic, can I say I love you picture 30th October 2024. I have to say the wee glass of the black stuff is a nice touch in a bath. |
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"Except when it comes to friendships who’s words don’t match their actions & ghosting from them…it’s excruciatingly heartbreaking 💔 "
You're right. This hurts! I am feeling this right in my very soul lately 😢 |
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"With fuck buddy relationships we're all cocks in jars.
Brine, oil or spring water?
Brine is good for gut bacteria
I will start covering my dick in salt water and tell women it's beneficial for their health."
You have to ingest the pickle though. |
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I chat to a lady here and in a bad way . She was seeing a his man over a year and just stopped chatting and was so hurt as changed and she could not understand why. . It’s sad in this day and age people can’t tell the truth . |
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"You learn something every day on the forums I didn’t know this was a thing so thanks OP for making people aware of this or for someone to change there ways how they treat other people  "
I must be living in a bubble cos Luke you I didn't know about it either.
#mannerscostnothing |
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By *bi HaiveMan 3 weeks ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"Unfortunately we can't change other people's negative behaviour and asking or expecting them to change is a fools errand.
We can only change our own behaviour and if anything on here or other apps is seriously damaging your mental health then it might be better to have a good break, radically change how you use them, or even leave altogether.
Totally agree with you ♥️
We are responsible for our own MH. That includes only doing what we are comfortable with.
I know for sure something I will not ever accept again and that’s lies. In any form. 1 lie and bye bye. To everyone in my life 🌈
Absofuckinlutely ❤️"
You will never know what's going on in someone's life or how their mental health is. So yes, everyone should be mindful.
But we do all generally know our own current life woes and any issues affecting our own mental health. It's just as much our own responsibility to ensure self care. When you're not in a good place it may not be wise to be seeking the company and comfort of strangers, tempting as it can be. What may seem like a positive boost to mood and ego can rapidly turn into something that has a negative impact on mental health at the drop of a hat or a few words on a screen. If you're not happy and content in your life, then using sex as a distraction technique probably isn't going to help, especially in a world of commitment free casual encounters.
Some will say anything you want to hear in order to get what they want (usually sex) and once that mission has been achieved they'll be off, on to the next. And sometimes people will almost encourage it due to their own current mental health state and need to feel good about themselves. Often people can be their own worst enemies when it comes to their own health and wellbeing |
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"Unfortunately we can't change other people's negative behaviour and asking or expecting them to change is a fools errand.
We can only change our own behaviour and if anything on here or other apps is seriously damaging your mental health then it might be better to have a good break, radically change how you use them, or even leave altogether.
Totally agree with you ♥️
We are responsible for our own MH. That includes only doing what we are comfortable with.
I know for sure something I will not ever accept again and that’s lies. In any form. 1 lie and bye bye. To everyone in my life 🌈
Absofuckinlutely ❤️
You will never know what's going on in someone's life or how their mental health is. So yes, everyone should be mindful.
But we do all generally know our own current life woes and any issues affecting our own mental health. It's just as much our own responsibility to ensure self care. When you're not in a good place it may not be wise to be seeking the company and comfort of strangers, tempting as it can be. What may seem like a positive boost to mood and ego can rapidly turn into something that has a negative impact on mental health at the drop of a hat or a few words on a screen. If you're not happy and content in your life, then using sex as a distraction technique probably isn't going to help, especially in a world of commitment free casual encounters.
Some will say anything you want to hear in order to get what they want (usually sex) and once that mission has been achieved they'll be off, on to the next. And sometimes people will almost encourage it due to their own current mental health state and need to feel good about themselves. Often people can be their own worst enemies when it comes to their own health and wellbeing "
Why isn't there a high five emoji.
It's all well and good if you know, accept and own your own mental health. Many are not at that stage and lack accountability so you need to be able to spot that too.
Though mismatches in communication styles, points in people's journeys, love languages, experience and so on don't get recognised or acknowledged and then they just get written off as a'holes or narcs instead. Which in turn doesn't help them heal either. People discord instead of having open honest conversations.
|
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"Unfortunately we can't change other people's negative behaviour and asking or expecting them to change is a fools errand.
We can only change our own behaviour and if anything on here or other apps is seriously damaging your mental health then it might be better to have a good break, radically change how you use them, or even leave altogether.
Totally agree with you ♥️
We are responsible for our own MH. That includes only doing what we are comfortable with.
I know for sure something I will not ever accept again and that’s lies. In any form. 1 lie and bye bye. To everyone in my life 🌈
Absofuckinlutely ❤️
You will never know what's going on in someone's life or how their mental health is. So yes, everyone should be mindful.
But we do all generally know our own current life woes and any issues affecting our own mental health. It's just as much our own responsibility to ensure self care. When you're not in a good place it may not be wise to be seeking the company and comfort of strangers, tempting as it can be. What may seem like a positive boost to mood and ego can rapidly turn into something that has a negative impact on mental health at the drop of a hat or a few words on a screen. If you're not happy and content in your life, then using sex as a distraction technique probably isn't going to help, especially in a world of commitment free casual encounters.
Some will say anything you want to hear in order to get what they want (usually sex) and once that mission has been achieved they'll be off, on to the next. And sometimes people will almost encourage it due to their own current mental health state and need to feel good about themselves. Often people can be their own worst enemies when it comes to their own health and wellbeing
Why isn't there a high five emoji.
It's all well and good if you know, accept and own your own mental health. Many are not at that stage and lack accountability so you need to be able to spot that too.
Though mismatches in communication styles, points in people's journeys, love languages, experience and so on don't get recognised or acknowledged and then they just get written off as a'holes or narcs instead. Which in turn doesn't help them heal either. People discord instead of having open honest conversations.
"
*Discard |
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At the height (should really be low) of my mental, and physical, breakdown I wasn't in control of anything. I wasn't capable of controlling anything.
Fortunately, my ex, who was usually a horrible man, realised how ill I was and took over.
We aren't always capable of taking a step back from situations and checking in with our own well being.
Some people will knowingly say hurtful or triggering things because they get off on other peoples' discomfort.
There's a word for it that I've forgotten. Meli would possibly know.
The opposite of compersion maybe. |
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"At the height (should really be low) of my mental, and physical, breakdown I wasn't in control of anything. I wasn't capable of controlling anything.
Fortunately, my ex, who was usually a horrible man, realised how ill I was and took over.
We aren't always capable of taking a step back from situations and checking in with our own well being.
Some people will knowingly say hurtful or triggering things because they get off on other peoples' discomfort.
There's a word for it that I've forgotten. Meli would possibly know.
The opposite of compersion maybe. "
No, not the opposite of compersion at all. Brain isn't functioning today  |
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"What's benching?
It’s basically liking someone, continuing to see them and knowing they want something but not committing. Keeping them there just in case. "
And usually accompanied with ghosting,orbiting and zombie-ing as well. |
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"To be honest people have always done these things, just have names to them now. "
YEs I know but with sites like this and dating sites it’s somthing if you have not been around for years new to you . If in not a good place can hurt and send you into a spiral of depression.
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"To be honest people have always done these things, just have names to them now. YEs I know but with sites like this and dating sites it’s somthing if you have not been around for years new to you . If in not a good place can hurt and send you into a spiral of depression. "
I would say best to take a break if it's affecting someone's health.
But as I said it's been around forever well before the Internet. It certainly was around when I was young |
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"With fuck buddy relationships we're all cocks in jars.
Brine, oil or spring water?
Brine is good for gut bacteria
I will start covering my dick in salt water and tell women it's beneficial for their health."
Stuff it with garlic as well. Generally more beneficial than pimentos. |
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"Tactics of emotional abuse manipulation sites like this and dating sites have loads of this going on and not good for people’s mental health problems . A lot on fab are here are from bad relationships and have a lot of baggage and that on top is not a good mix. So think if you do that to people what your doing as it can be harmful. "
You forgot to include the downright dishonest. |
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