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Narcissist Red Flags Warning signs?
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In my life had 3 and i hope never again to be a mug its hard as all come across very so normal.
1.Two-faced critical. 2. Blames others for failures. 3.Acts differnt in pubic. 4.Unreliable. 5.Superior attitude. 6.Lives in a fantasy world. 7.Distorts facts to suit own agenda. 8.Irresponsible with money. 9.Only emotionally available when want something. 10.Lacks sympathy for others.
11.Contrlling. 12. Provokes people then blames them. 13. Can not admit mistakes. Like to know what red flag to you . xx |
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By (user no longer on site) 30 weeks ago
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Sorry to hear you underwent such experiences. Hoping better times ahead for you in selection process. Is difficult at best if times knowing we are ALL far from perfect. |
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"Sorry to hear you underwent such experiences. Hoping better times ahead for you in selection process. Is difficult at best if times knowing we are ALL far from perfect."
Yes i know no ones perfect xx I am not its just very hurtfull. They are in a differnt league to most people.And makes you question your own sanity. x I found it best just to take them out of my life get back to me. Its hard but only way.
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By *hilloutMan 30 weeks ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
Sorry to hear OP.
If you've had 3 in your life it means they also possessed traits you were invariably attracted to. Did those qualities apply to all three?
Best to identify what you like and know how to spot the warning signs, not allowing the things that attract you to downplay or ignore red flags. |
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"Sorry to hear OP.
If you've had 3 in your life it means they also possessed traits you were invariably attracted to. Did those qualities apply to all three?
Best to identify what you like and know how to spot the warning signs, not allowing the things that attract you to downplay or ignore red flags."
My family worry about me being naive and gullible. I told i may go on a dating site I just have to harden up and stop looking at things in rose covered glasses . lol x  |
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By (user no longer on site) 30 weeks ago
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"Sorry to hear you underwent such experiences. Hoping better times ahead for you in selection process. Is difficult at best if times knowing we are ALL far from perfect. Yes i know no ones perfect xx I am not its just very hurtfull. They are in a differnt league to most people.And makes you question your own sanity. x I found it best just to take them out of my life get back to me. Its hard but only way."
Best wishes... |
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By (user no longer on site) 30 weeks ago
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Hi OP. Just wanted to say you're no mug (can imagine why you may feel that way though) , I'm guessing you went into each relationship with clear, honest intentions and ideals, sadly it sounds like the others couldn't at least be as open with their intentions. If they had told how it would play out, you could have made a more informed decision.
Take care. |
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"Hi OP. Just wanted to say you're no mug (can imagine why you may feel that way though) , I'm guessing you went into each relationship with clear, honest intentions and ideals, sadly it sounds like the others couldn't at least be as open with their intentions. If they had told how it would play out, you could have made a more informed decision.
Take care."
Yes just feel a mug as should have gone with my gut feelings would have saved me alot. x |
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"Sorry to hear OP.
If you've had 3 in your life it means they also possessed traits you were invariably attracted to. Did those qualities apply to all three?
Best to identify what you like and know how to spot the warning signs, not allowing the things that attract you to downplay or ignore red flags."
This feels like genuinely useful advice. I hope the OP notes it. |
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By (user no longer on site) 30 weeks ago
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"Sorry to hear OP.
If you've had 3 in your life it means they also possessed traits you were invariably attracted to. Did those qualities apply to all three?
Best to identify what you like and know how to spot the warning signs, not allowing the things that attract you to downplay or ignore red flags.
This feels like genuinely useful advice. I hope the OP notes it. "
I agree 👍
Having ignored red flags before, it’s something I know I’m susceptible to do in the future, writing it out in a guide for myself has been very helpful.
The act of writing by hand has a strange cognitive link direct to the learning centre of the brain, it’s a great tool.
(Enter Dad jokes about ‘great tools’ below 😆) |
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"Sorry to hear OP.
If you've had 3 in your life it means they also possessed traits you were invariably attracted to. Did those qualities apply to all three?
Best to identify what you like and know how to spot the warning signs, not allowing the things that attract you to downplay or ignore red flags.
This feels like genuinely useful advice. I hope the OP notes it. "
I am going to take a note of this .. xx your a lovely lot here. x |
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By (user no longer on site) 30 weeks ago
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"Sorry to hear OP.
If you've had 3 in your life it means they also possessed traits you were invariably attracted to. Did those qualities apply to all three?
Best to identify what you like and know how to spot the warning signs, not allowing the things that attract you to downplay or ignore red flags.
This feels like genuinely useful advice. I hope the OP notes it. I am going to take a note of this .. xx your a lovely lot here. x"
Google 'the freedom programme' a course designed for people who are/ have been in abusive relationships.
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"Sorry to hear OP.
If you've had 3 in your life it means they also possessed traits you were invariably attracted to. Did those qualities apply to all three?
Best to identify what you like and know how to spot the warning signs, not allowing the things that attract you to downplay or ignore red flags.
This feels like genuinely useful advice. I hope the OP notes it.
I agree 👍
Having ignored red flags before, it’s something I know I’m susceptible to do in the future, writing it out in a guide for myself has been very helpful.
The act of writing by hand has a strange cognitive link direct to the learning centre of the brain, it’s a great tool.
(Enter Dad jokes about ‘great tools’ below 😆)"
I Just nomaly go with the flow of things and a bit to soft. x |
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By (user no longer on site) 30 weeks ago
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"Trusting people is a virtue and admirable, when people intensionally deceive you IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!"
This
OP some gr8 advise given by many, should never ignore a strong gut feeling or intuition either.
We live and learn, I'm still learning. |
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By *rnicaMan 30 weeks ago
Cork, Kerry, Waterford and surrounds |
"In my life had 3 and i hope never again to be a mug its hard as all come across very so normal.
1.Two-faced critical. 2. Blames others for failures. 3.Acts differnt in pubic. 4.Unreliable. 5.Superior attitude. 6.Lives in a fantasy world. 7.Distorts facts to suit own agenda. 8.Irresponsible with money. 9.Only emotionally available when want something. 10.Lacks sympathy for others.
11.Contrlling. 12. Provokes people then blames them. 13. Can not admit mistakes. Like to know what red flag to you . xx"
Sorry to hear about your experience OP, I really am. Similar experience here. Agree with all your red flags above except no. 3 only because it's a bit too broad - we all act differently in public than we do with an intimate partner.
That said, the main Red Flags for me are;
1. Distorted view of reality
2. Will insist on pushing this view on me and try convince me that my view is wrong (a healthy relationship is one where BOTH views are equally valid and respected).
3. Will 'project' (see Carl Jung) onto others those very same characteristics they don't like about themselves. E.G. The person hates the fact that they have secret bi-sexual leanings but will never admit it and will loudly denounce others as 'f@gs' and 'queers').
4. A profound inability to be vulnerable.
5. Unable to self reflect, admit their faults and say sorry.
You are not a mug. Every mistake you make is just another opportunity to learn. Sadly, a narcissist never does and will be forever doomed to repeat the same mistakes. You are not.
Truly wish you all the best OP.
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"In my life had 3 and i hope never again to be a mug its hard as all come across very so normal.
1.Two-faced critical. 2. Blames others for failures. 3.Acts differnt in pubic. 4.Unreliable. 5.Superior attitude. 6.Lives in a fantasy world. 7.Distorts facts to suit own agenda. 8.Irresponsible with money. 9.Only emotionally available when want something. 10.Lacks sympathy for others.
11.Contrlling. 12. Provokes people then blames them. 13. Can not admit mistakes. Like to know what red flag to you . xx
Sorry to hear about your experience OP, I really am. Similar experience here. Agree with all your red flags above except no. 3 only because it's a bit too broad - we all act differently in public than we do with an intimate partner.
That said, the main Red Flags for me are;
1. Distorted view of reality
2. Will insist on pushing this view on me and try convince me that my view is wrong (a healthy relationship is one where BOTH views are equally valid and respected).
3. Will 'project' (see Carl Jung) onto others those very same characteristics they don't like about themselves. E.G. The person hates the fact that they have secret bi-sexual leanings but will never admit it and will loudly denounce others as 'f@gs' and 'queers').
4. A profound inability to be vulnerable.
5. Unable to self reflect, admit their faults and say sorry.
You are not a mug. Every mistake you make is just another opportunity to learn. Sadly, a narcissist never does and will be forever doomed to repeat the same mistakes. You are not.
Truly wish you all the best OP.
"
Thank you i just take it one day at a time .. xx |
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By (user no longer on site) 30 weeks ago
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whenever I hear stories about people who've had bad dating or relationship experiences with narcissists, it does really put me off dating
at the moment, anyway, it's definitely worth it being single than dealing with anything of that nature, but I mean no one should have to tolerate or deserves that sort of behaviour, but I suppose people are people |
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"You just described every (ex) girl friend I ever had. And most of my female friends and colleagues."
This statistically cannot be true. Perhaps if this is the case you need to take a look at yourself and think about what role you play in this too.
Unless you were demonstrating the traits of a narc for dramatic effect, then bravo! |
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By (user no longer on site) 30 weeks ago
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"In my life had 3 and i hope never again to be a mug its hard as all come across very so normal.
1.Two-faced critical. 2. Blames others for failures. 3.Acts differnt in pubic. 4.Unreliable. 5.Superior attitude. 6.Lives in a fantasy world. 7.Distorts facts to suit own agenda. 8.Irresponsible with money. 9.Only emotionally available when want something. 10.Lacks sympathy for others.
11.Contrlling. 12. Provokes people then blames them. 13. Can not admit mistakes. Like to know what red flag to you . xx"
Insert themselves into every story, can't stand anyone else getting attention, the only important/interesting thing is them. Emotional vampires that can't generate their own pleasure only by sucking the life out of you. And when you can't keep up with their needs they'll find ways, sly and subtle or outright nasty, to punish you. Chaotic lives and minds, increasingly desperate to control yours.
Sorry for your pain OP. I got entangled just the once and it hurt so bad ...  |
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"In my life had 3 and i hope never again to be a mug its hard as all come across very so normal.
1.Two-faced critical. 2. Blames others for failures. 3.Acts differnt in pubic. 4.Unreliable. 5.Superior attitude. 6.Lives in a fantasy world. 7.Distorts facts to suit own agenda. 8.Irresponsible with money. 9.Only emotionally available when want something. 10.Lacks sympathy for others.
11.Contrlling. 12. Provokes people then blames them. 13. Can not admit mistakes. Like to know what red flag to you . xx
Insert themselves into every story, can't stand anyone else getting attention, the only important/interesting thing is them. Emotional vampires that can't generate their own pleasure only by sucking the life out of you. And when you can't keep up with their needs they'll find ways, sly and subtle or outright nasty, to punish you. Chaotic lives and minds, increasingly desperate to control yours.
Sorry for your pain OP. I got entangled just the once and it hurt so bad ... "
I should of seen it coming months ago paying for everything when he was needing to help .. As the storys i would get i would feel sorry for him . But now i look at things i bet most was lies and him just playing his games. |
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By (user no longer on site) 30 weeks ago
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"Sorry for your pain OP. I got entangled just the once and it hurt so bad ... "
I won't know the extent of whatever you went through, but I can sympathise and empathise to a degree
I'm sure I spent around 2 years hanging out with what was a friend that I sense was a narcissist or at least part narcissist if there were other (mental) goings on I didn't know about, and it's kinda crazy how it impacted me so easily
was always unpredictable every day, didn't know what I was going to be facing, felt like I was carefully walking on egg shells, always made to feel awful and the complete worst of the worst if I ever made a mistake, and other stuff
once I made the move of removing myself from engaging with the relationship (and had to do it carefully) and was out of the way, I actually felt so much relief and relaxation, and could just "be" again |
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"Sorry for your pain OP. I got entangled just the once and it hurt so bad ...
I won't know the extent of whatever you went through, but I can sympathise and empathise to a degree
I'm sure I spent around 2 years hanging out with what was a friend that I sense was a narcissist or at least part narcissist if there were other (mental) goings on I didn't know about, and it's kinda crazy how it impacted me so easily
was always unpredictable every day, didn't know what I was going to be facing, felt like I was carefully walking on egg shells, always made to feel awful and the complete worst of the worst if I ever made a mistake, and other stuff
once I made the move of removing myself from engaging with the relationship (and had to do it carefully) and was out of the way, I actually felt so much relief and relaxation, and could just "be" again"
Yes i wish to be me again and relaxed and not letting my family down as i told them some things not everything. |
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By (user no longer on site) 30 weeks ago
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"When they have to tell you that they're kind or empathetic or a good guy rather than actually demonstrating it 💜"
This is the perfect example of “trust what they do, not what they say”. |
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Narcissism comes in many forms. My first experience was from a friendship someone who was really close to me I knew them from the age of 12 they were a little older than me. at one point I thought they was the nicest person I had met then when we started living together things started to change. It got to point were they would belittle me, stop me seeing my friends and family. I was always made out to be the one in the wrong. I was a prisoner took me six years to get out of that flat. Things were bad. That was my first bad experience my second was in a relationship that didn’t last long as thankfully due to the first experience I caught on before it got too bad. I suffer with what the physiologist will label as Cptsd basically a lazy way of saying trauma and trust issues caused by narcissistic abuse |
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"Narcissism comes in many forms. My first experience was from a friendship someone who was really close to me I knew them from the age of 12 they were a little older than me. at one point I thought they was the nicest person I had met then when we started living together things started to change. It got to point were they would belittle me, stop me seeing my friends and family. I was always made out to be the one in the wrong. I was a prisoner took me six years to get out of that flat. Things were bad. That was my first bad experience my second was in a relationship that didn’t last long as thankfully due to the first experience I caught on before it got too bad. I suffer with what the physiologist will label as Cptsd basically a lazy way of saying trauma and trust issues caused by narcissistic abuse"
wow you have had a bad time of it op x Thay say you live and lean its true but it hurts and make you think I hope god i never have this again . Hugs and kisses x
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By (user no longer on site) 30 weeks ago
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"Yes i wish to be me again and relaxed and not letting my family down as i told them some things not everything. "
oh are you saying you could of opened up about the situation with you're family more and they might have been able to support you in dealing with it easier?
I don't think you've let them down, they're you're family, they should be understanding about it all and love you anyway as it wasn't exactly all you're doing, it was psychological manipulation at it's core, it's not always easy to navigate that and maintain a clear head space x |
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By (user no longer on site) 30 weeks ago
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"In my life had 3 and i hope never again to be a mug its hard as all come across very so normal.
1.Two-faced critical. 2. Blames others for failures. 3.Acts differnt in pubic. 4.Unreliable. 5.Superior attitude. 6.Lives in a fantasy world. 7.Distorts facts to suit own agenda. 8.Irresponsible with money. 9.Only emotionally available when want something. 10.Lacks sympathy for others.
11.Contrlling. 12. Provokes people then blames them. 13. Can not admit mistakes. Like to know what red flag to you . xx"
Just described my EX FWB perfectly! |
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OP these people have been using your kindness against you, I suspect you try to see the good in everyone and situations
You've clearly had a wake up call to write this post, so today is day zero, onwards and upwards from here
Trust those gut feelings, you know their stories aren't adding up so believe in yourself |
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I was raised by someone with NPD.
The word narcissist gets thrown around so much nowadays, I think that a lot of people don't realise narcissistic behaviour, and being a narcissist are two different things.
We pretty much live in a world that promotes and encourages narcissistic behaviour. And most people have narcissistic traits to a degree.
Actual narcissists though? They're rare.
They're super intelligent, super charming. Can even be fun to be around sometimes. But they have a way of thinking and a perception of people that means they can't have any sort of "normal' relationship.
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"Narcissism comes in many forms. My first experience was from a friendship someone who was really close to me I knew them from the age of 12 they were a little older than me. at one point I thought they was the nicest person I had met then when we started living together things started to change. It got to point were they would belittle me, stop me seeing my friends and family. I was always made out to be the one in the wrong. I was a prisoner took me six years to get out of that flat. Things were bad. That was my first bad experience my second was in a relationship that didn’t last long as thankfully due to the first experience I caught on before it got too bad. I suffer with what the physiologist will label as Cptsd basically a lazy way of saying trauma and trust issues caused by narcissistic abuse wow you have had a bad time of it op x Thay say you live and lean its true but it hurts and make you think I hope god i never have this again . Hugs and kisses x"
thank you for the kind words. I will say I am much mentally stronger and prepared for things from experiencing this took me a long time to get my head off the slump. When you come out of a narcissistic relationship of any kind you hit the weird feeling of how did I let that happen it messes with your head but I can say after 5 years of research and self therapy I have am getting much better mentally.
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"I was raised by someone with NPD.
The word narcissist gets thrown around so much nowadays, I think that a lot of people don't realise narcissistic behaviour, and being a narcissist are two different things.
We pretty much live in a world that promotes and encourages narcissistic behaviour. And most people have narcissistic traits to a degree.
Actual narcissists though? They're rare.
They're super intelligent, super charming. Can even be fun to be around sometimes. But they have a way of thinking and a perception of people that means they can't have any sort of "normal' relationship.
"
yes this is true and if you go back 40-50 year mainly political dictators or strong minded politicians were labelled narcissists hitler for example.
I think like a lot of words the meanings have have evolved and changed over the years this is what dr Ramani talks about a lot on her podcast |
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By (user no longer on site) 30 weeks ago
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"I was raised by someone with NPD.
The word narcissist gets thrown around so much nowadays, I think that a lot of people don't realise narcissistic behaviour, and being a narcissist are two different things.
We pretty much live in a world that promotes and encourages narcissistic behaviour. And most people have narcissistic traits to a degree.
Actual narcissists though? They're rare.
They're super intelligent, super charming. Can even be fun to be around sometimes. But they have a way of thinking and a perception of people that means they can't have any sort of "normal' relationship.
"
Yeah this is true. Id never met anyone like my 'entanglement' before. He made me laugh like I've never laughed in my life, was so learned and clever, and a mind-blowing lover!! .. but the mental pain he inflicted was unreal, absolute poison. I never want to meet him, or anyone like him again. |
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Life is one big toxic repeat cycle for them. Its almost sad. The things I found out about a narcissist i once knew in a previous life was unbelievable. He wasn't even honest with a simple thing of how many children he had. Mind you after hearing why he has no contact no wonder it was easier to believe they don't exist.
The unreasonable high sense of their own importance is dangerous.
Stay safe |
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I was married to one. Controlling, over time cut me off from my friends and tried with my family too. Ran me down in public, manipulative using my emotions and caring nature against me and the lies were unbelievable.
Twenty years later, dated one but came to my senses very quickly luckily.
I trust my gut 100% now but very happy leading a single life |
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For me any one of those behavioural traits is a red flag and I'm running to the hills.
I've built a resistance to toxicity and learned to acknowledge and address it before it effects me.
Having a confidence in ones self is helpful and I'm sure there's more narcissistic dudes out there than dudetts. |
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I think it's useful to frame these things as tendencies along a continuum. We all have degrees of narcissism, it's necessary for survival.
But it can become unhealthy and hurt other people when it goes overboard. |
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My ex husband was one, controlling violent, a bully he did things I can't say on here but I stayed with him until I couldn't look after him anymore he was terminally ill.
People say why didn't you leave but they don't know what goes on behind the scenes . My life was threatened if I left him he turned most my friends against me I wasn't aloud to go out on girls nights out just bloody awful.
The next relationship I had was a shirt one I found out he was a compulsive liar and was trying ro meet other girls while he was with me.
Thank fuck I have a good one now and you will find one too op it's a long road but worth it |
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"My ex husband was one, controlling violent, a bully he did things I can't say on here but I stayed with him until I couldn't look after him anymore he was terminally ill.
People say why didn't you leave but they don't know what goes on behind the scenes . My life was threatened if I left him he turned most my friends against me I wasn't aloud to go out on girls nights out just bloody awful.
The next relationship I had was a shirt one I found out he was a compulsive liar and was trying ro meet other girls while he was with me.
Thank fuck I have a good one now and you will find one too op it's a long road but worth it "
I'm so sorry |
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"My ex husband was one, controlling violent, a bully he did things I can't say on here but I stayed with him until I couldn't look after him anymore he was terminally ill.
People say why didn't you leave but they don't know what goes on behind the scenes . My life was threatened if I left him he turned most my friends against me I wasn't aloud to go out on girls nights out just bloody awful.
The next relationship I had was a shirt one I found out he was a compulsive liar and was trying ro meet other girls while he was with me.
Thank fuck I have a good one now and you will find one too op it's a long road but worth it
I'm so sorry "
It was a long time ago now and I have spoken freely about it which has helped.
Safe to say I learned a lot from that relationship and I'm sure others do too, the saying goes what doesn't kill you makes you stronger is true |
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