FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > A kind message - ignored!
A kind message - ignored!
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By (user no longer on site) OP 28 weeks ago
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This is a frustration. Women and couples regularly ask for a respectful message: be courteous and don’t be crude. Some ask for pics especially dick pics not to be included. I send a courteous polite message and get nothing not even a polite no.
Whilst I understand women and couples are swamped on here and abused and I also understand that by replying some men will see it as a “yes” and not a “no” and I also understand that the fab guideline is “no response, no interest” but a polite “no” would be a courteous and respectful response and I’m sure if an idiot sends a further response the block can be used
This is just a frustration and take no offence from me for airing it |
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By *ornycougaWoman 28 weeks ago
WHEREVER I LAY MY HAT |
It's tough for decent men on here but I think you have answered your own question. When my filters were open I simply couldn't open/read all messages so some were missed. Then, when I did send a polite "thanks but no thanks" it was often seen as an invitation to start a conversation when I didn't want that.
Sorry fella - I wouldn't want to be a single guy on here. |
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When Juliet was on as a single prior to us meeting she would receive over 150 messages a day. Just try and see if you have time to reply to every message. Life is short and is about fun - it is fun to have empathy for others and can be liberating not to always have yourself at the centre of every story in your life. What for you with a few messages a day is easy may not be for someone else. This is why we have single guys blocked. |
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"This is a frustration. Women and couples regularly ask for a respectful message: be courteous and don’t be crude. Some ask for pics especially dick pics not to be included. I send a courteous polite message and get nothing not even a polite no.
Whilst I understand women and couples are swamped on here and abused and I also understand that by replying some men will see it as a “yes” and not a “no” and I also understand that the fab guideline is “no response, no interest” but a polite “no” would be a courteous and respectful response and I’m sure if an idiot sends a further response the block can be used
This is just a frustration and take no offence from me for airing it "
We have a strict ‘no straight men’ rule - and this is clear at the top of our profile. As a couple, we get swamped by messages (as you’ve acknowledged), to the point where it would take a significant amount of time to read them, check out their profile, and reply (even a ‘no, thank you’ message). As harsh as it sounds, I’ve taken to just clicking on the profile and if it isn’t a good fit for us (straight/married/into bareback/into drugs), I do just delete the message without reading it. It’s sped up our fabmin, no end!
E |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 28 weeks ago
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"It's tough for decent men on here but I think you have answered your own question. When my filters were open I simply couldn't open/read all messages so some were missed. Then, when I did send a polite "thanks but no thanks" it was often seen as an invitation to start a conversation when I didn't want that.
Sorry fella - I wouldn't want to be a single guy on here. "
And I’ve seen messages women and couples get - jeez - i wonder what the sender would do If their mother or sister received such a message |
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"
We have a strict ‘no straight men’ rule - and this is clear at the top of our profile. As a couple, we get swamped by messages (as you’ve acknowledged), to the point where it would take a significant amount of time to read them, check out their profile, and reply (even a ‘no, thank you’ message). As harsh as it sounds, I’ve taken to just clicking on the profile and if it isn’t a good fit for us (straight/married/into bareback/into drugs), I do just delete the message without reading it. It’s sped up our fabmin, no end!
E"
We do this as well, read message and then look at profile and if they’ve clearly not read our preferences or are miles away we just blanket delete |
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"
We have a strict ‘no straight men’ rule - and this is clear at the top of our profile. As a couple, we get swamped by messages (as you’ve acknowledged), to the point where it would take a significant amount of time to read them, check out their profile, and reply (even a ‘no, thank you’ message). As harsh as it sounds, I’ve taken to just clicking on the profile and if it isn’t a good fit for us (straight/married/into bareback/into drugs), I do just delete the message without reading it. It’s sped up our fabmin, no end!
E
We do this as well, read message and then look at profile and if they’ve clearly not read our preferences or are miles away we just blanket delete"
It’s the only way to do it, I feel! We did start off replying to every message, but it’s just too much!
E |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 28 weeks ago
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"
We have a strict ‘no straight men’ rule - and this is clear at the top of our profile. As a couple, we get swamped by messages (as you’ve acknowledged), to the point where it would take a significant amount of time to read them, check out their profile, and reply (even a ‘no, thank you’ message). As harsh as it sounds, I’ve taken to just clicking on the profile and if it isn’t a good fit for us (straight/married/into bareback/into drugs), I do just delete the message without reading it. It’s sped up our fabmin, no end!
E
We do this as well, read message and then look at profile and if they’ve clearly not read our preferences or are miles away we just blanket delete"
I completely get that - and you are right - men don’t read profiles and they ignore anything they are or are not and just send. I read profiles and send a message reflecting I’ve read it
I get probably 1% of the messages a woman or couple receive but the 1% get a reply
Everyone’s comments are welcome - thank you all |
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"
We have a strict ‘no straight men’ rule - and this is clear at the top of our profile. As a couple, we get swamped by messages (as you’ve acknowledged), to the point where it would take a significant amount of time to read them, check out their profile, and reply (even a ‘no, thank you’ message). As harsh as it sounds, I’ve taken to just clicking on the profile and if it isn’t a good fit for us (straight/married/into bareback/into drugs), I do just delete the message without reading it. It’s sped up our fabmin, no end!
E
We do this as well, read message and then look at profile and if they’ve clearly not read our preferences or are miles away we just blanket delete
I completely get that - and you are right - men don’t read profiles and they ignore anything they are or are not and just send. I read profiles and send a message reflecting I’ve read it
I get probably 1% of the messages a woman or couple receive but the 1% get a reply
Everyone’s comments are welcome - thank you all "
I think a lot check out the profile first before reading theessage, I know we do
If the profile is of no interest or there are too many red flags we delete the message without reading.
If the profile is ok then we'll read the message and if there are no red flags there we will reply. |
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I treat it like sales, it's a numbers game, some will, some won't, so what, who's next, and if you been in a role like that you get used to it .
I'll always try to be polite, even though the message may never be read, my feelings don't get hurt we just keep going
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The trouble is that with replying it then stops any future filters from working, so if they decided to block men from messaging lets say, all those they replied to can still message.
The best bit of advice is to delete your sent messages and then any reply is a nice surprise. |
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By *agic.MMan 28 weeks ago
Kent/London |
"The trouble is that with replying it then stops any future filters from working, so if they decided to block men from messaging lets say, all those they replied to can still message.
The best bit of advice is to delete your sent messages and then any reply is a nice surprise."
I think he is referring to just blocking the profile in question (not blocking all men to message). |
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Its just one of those things.. dont take it to heart. When someone doesn't reply or delete a message, just take it as a no thanks.. there could be lots of reasons for it and probbaly nothing on you.. too many messages, not fitting preferences, messaging at wrong time when someone's had a bad day..
Chin up dude 👍 |
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we’re all dealing with it but we have to just understand the ‘no response is a response’ …. Like many others have probably written… the amount of messages women & couples get they would forever be writing ‘no thanks, not for me’ ….
All you can do is carry on being polite… and just go with it …. Look at boobs it might help soften the frustration  |
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We try to reply to messages, but sometimes we can’t or simply forget! With a guy yesterday a said a polite no 4 times and he kept coming back with a different question, I gave 4 reason why he wasn’t right for us even though it was on our bio. So sometimes it’s easier to just ignore a message rather than interact |
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By *ittynzWoman 28 weeks ago
Richmond |
I do try to reply no thank you if someone made effort to do a decent message or of someone says something kind I reply with a thank you but somethings any reply even a no thank you does then become a thing and o have to block.
So it’s a hard thing, sometimes you get an inundated with messages and you’re only on there to reply to people that you’re already planning to meet or trying to organise a meet or something so sometimes you’re not actually looking for other things and I do sometimes just delete but please don’t stop being polite and kind kindness goes a long way in this world |
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Hi op, I appreciate it can be frustrating, but even if you send a polite message, you still may not be what they're after.
Most ladies will always look at a profile, when they get a message. If it doesn't appeal to them, they often don't read the message.
None of us will appeal to all & ladies who get lots of mail, will want to see you pretty quickly to save wasting time, if there's no attraction.
If you're not into sending face pics, which is your choice, they may just move on to the next profile.
The best thing to do op, is delete your sent messages. Then any reply is a nice suprise, nobody has to reply to anyone here I'm afraid. |
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"Most people I've met or know on here, want to see a face pic, not trying to be rude, but you stating quite clearly and matter of fact that you don't, its a bit red flagy, "
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That has absolutely no relevance to the point of this thread. This about messaging/response 'etiquette' and the associated frustrations. It has no bearing on his profile. |
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It would take me literally hours out of every day to read messages, check profiles for compatibility, and respond politely to every single message received on here.
If someone isn't right for me, and that's obvious from the first glance of their message or profile, why should I spend any more time on it? 💜 |
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"I treat it like sales, it's a numbers game, some will, some won't, so what, who's next, and if you been in a role like that you get used to it .
I'll always try to be polite, even though the message may never be read, my feelings don't get hurt we just keep going
"
I know you are well meaning in this, but again this is part of the issue.
Its a numbers game?
This is why women or couples doubt the sincerity of single males messaging |
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"OP why would a string of "no thanks" messages make you feel better than no reply ?"
By blocking the profiles who have taken the time to reject him, he can whittle down to those profiles he has more chance of being a match for.
Otherwise you’re just sitting around wondering if the person is making their mind up to respond, or whether you said the wrong thing…..
It is much easier to delete your message though OP. Then if they do respond, it feels like you won the Lottery 🥳 |
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"Most people I've met or know on here, want to see a face pic, not trying to be rude, but you stating quite clearly and matter of fact that you don't, its a bit red flagy,
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That has absolutely no relevance to the point of this thread. This about messaging/response 'etiquette' and the associated frustrations. It has no bearing on his profile."
👏 👏 👏 |
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Many men say they'll be polite but are vicious if you try to decline them. Some send vicious follow up messages if you don't reply when they deem it appropriate.
Plus some women and couples have a ridiculous number of messages to go through, and also have lives.
It sucks for all concerned. But don't take it personally. No one knows if that lovely but incompatible message is one "no thank you" away from "I wouldn't fuck you anyway, you STI ridden husk, you're only on here because no real man would be seen dead with you", or variations on a theme. |
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I have said this to other people so don’t take this personally but you are not actually owed a response.
I don’t typically send first messages out but I would never expect a response back if there is no interest.
Non-interaction is also a form of communication.
Unfortunately, as a single woman, it feels like we’re damned if we do and we’re damned if we don’t. Some men come back and get abusive if I don’t respond to them and others keep pushing even if I respond with a no. |
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By *eyeYCouple 28 weeks ago
Nr Leicester |
We have a block on single guys, because we got inundated..
As flattering as most were and we'll add polite, the inbox was swamped.
We now seek guys as and when we want to, is it selfish?, yes!
But frankly we're here for what we want, not to massage other's egos.
Sorry x |
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If I were you I’d just stop bothering messaging altogether OP. The stress and frustration from constantly worrying if and when that reply is ever going to come just isn’t worth it.
Much easier and more straightforward ways of connecting with people i.E. in real life at clubs, parties and organised socials. You have multiple people you can meet with in one place. If one person/couple you come across and find you’re not their cup of tea, you can just move on and go talk to someone else.
Far too much noise online and you just get lost amongst the sea of 💩. Coin in too that a very large population of the users of this site don’t actually meet anyone directly through this site. |
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By (user no longer on site) 28 weeks ago
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I get that it’s frustrating not to get replies, but no one owes anyone a response, polite or otherwise.
The reason many women don’t reply isn’t about rudeness it is about self preservation. A simple “no thanks” often turns into a debate, persuasion attempt, or worse. And once you reply to someone they are then “in your box” unless you block them. And frankly, why should we have to?
So “no reply = no interest” isn’t discourteous, it’s just the safest, least time-wasting option. If someone genuinely wants to engage, they will. No one’s ignoring kindness for the sake of it.
I get that it is frustrating, I really do. But ya know, reasons! |
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"If I were you I’d just stop bothering messaging altogether OP. The stress and frustration from constantly worrying if and when that reply is ever going to come just isn’t worth it.
Much easier and more straightforward ways of connecting with people i.E. in real life at clubs, parties and organised socials. You have multiple people you can meet with in one place. If one person/couple you come across and find you’re not their cup of tea, you can just move on and go talk to someone else.
Far too much noise online and you just get lost amongst the sea of 💩. Coin in too that a very large population of the users of this site don’t actually meet anyone directly through this site. "
Really good advice.
We have our filters open to messages mostly for the purpose of forum activities. We have been here for so long that I (Mrs) have long passed the interest of chatting on here, and this is reflected within our profile bio. We much prefer seeing people at organised events, for the exact reason stated from the user I quote. When we get messages from people we encourage them to attend socials and if our paths cross then we can chat further but otherwise we don't interact further. This approach very much suits us.
The OP has stated all of the acceptance criteria for not getting a reply yet would really still like to receive one. That is sadly not always going to happen, and is a reality that the OP needs to accept, and in 99% of the time you probably do and you can feel miffed occasionally but you won't change others actions.
Mrs S&N |
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Do try and reply to polite messages but the sheer volume of ones that patently obviously haven't read anything on profile leave us hitting delete most times. It may hurt and that's regrettable but it's not uncommon when you go for the polite no for that to become a "but why?"/"give me a chance you won't regret" / and sometimes just plain abusive and vile comments .
The old adage has always been no reply=not interested and that's a good one to follow OP and we wish you luck |
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Yeah, I get it dude. You're venting your frustrations. But it's not really going to help. If anything it may hurt your chances. You've just got to keep going and persevering. I don't expect to get anywhere on this site, but I'll keep going and who knows maybe one day. |
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"It's probably due to the hundreds of messages they get every day. Just keep being polite mate and don't take it personally
Best way to be.
"
Absolutely this! 
Also remember OP (and any other guys becoming despondent in here); Fab is THE ONLY contact site on the internet, a single guy can use completely free of charge, to send and read messages.
You can also use this site 24/7, to use as and when you're able to, fit in to your 'real' life.
Organised socials and swinger clubs are good places to meet people face to face it's true. But geography affects both, and you do need to take on the chin the gender-biased pricing structures 
Fab is free and inclusive for everyone to use, visiting a club couldn't be further from that..... Keep the faith with this site  |
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I feel I say this daily but a message is an invite to your profile, so a lot, if not all, go and view your profile before opening the message.
If the profile is a no or they clearly aren’t a match, then it doesn’t matter what your message says. We straight delete or ignore messages where they haven’t read our profile or their profile isn’t good.
The point is, whether your message is polite or not is irrelevant as people have maybe looked at your profile and thought no anyway.
K |
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It’s also the site in general too - the rules do say no reply is a reply.
We have recently sent 6 opening messages to ladies within our area. We’ve tailored each message so they aren’t copy and paste. Just checked and 4 have not been opened and one opened and no reply. Another, we’ve started chatting to the lady.
We won’t go chasing the people who haven’t replied and we won’t ponder the thousands of reasons they could have for not replying. It just wasn’t our day.
It happens to us all…
K |
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It is frustrating if your message is read or deleted but that's just of fab as a guy 🤷♂️ women and couples are overwhelmed like you said or received rude message when reply but for genuine guys it suck but can't do much |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 28 weeks ago
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"Its just one of those things.. dont take it to heart. When someone doesn't reply or delete a message, just take it as a no thanks.. there could be lots of reasons for it and probbaly nothing on you.. too many messages, not fitting preferences, messaging at wrong time when someone's had a bad day..
Chin up dude 👍"
Cheers - I really don’t take it to heart I just think that a well written relevant message just merits a “not for me but good luck” |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 28 weeks ago
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"The world is less polite every day. Fab is simply a mirror to the way it conducts itself.
That doesn't mean we all have to conform. "
A wonderful response - thank you |
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By (user no longer on site) 28 weeks ago
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Water off a ducks back, personally I come to expect it, so it makes it all the sweeter when you do actually get a reply, although to be fair I've not bothered sending messages for ages, apart from the odd chit chat on forums. |
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The trouble is, even if a woman or a cpl reply to a well thought out message with a no thanks,the majority of the time they will then receive a snotty , or sometimes down right nasty reply.
Now I'm not saying that's you,or indeed a lot of others. But after a while it's just easier not to reply.
All I can say is keep being you, they'll be someone out there who you will click with. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 28 weeks ago
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"The trouble is, even if a woman or a cpl reply to a well thought out message with a no thanks,the majority of the time they will then receive a snotty , or sometimes down right nasty reply.
Now I'm not saying that's you,or indeed a lot of others. But after a while it's just easier not to reply.
All I can say is keep being you, they'll be someone out there who you will click with. "
I truly understand your point and I guess that’s where the block button comes in
I appreciate your comments |
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It happens here, on dating sites back when I used them and even social media it's something you cannot change.
Just don't let it change yourself keep being kind and polite and hope something happens |
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By *eri24Woman 28 weeks ago
Bridgend |
"This is a frustration. Women and couples regularly ask for a respectful message: be courteous and don’t be crude. Some ask for pics especially dick pics not to be included. I send a courteous polite message and get nothing not even a polite no.
Whilst I understand women and couples are swamped on here and abused and I also understand that by replying some men will see it as a “yes” and not a “no” and I also understand that the fab guideline is “no response, no interest” but a polite “no” would be a courteous and respectful response and I’m sure if an idiot sends a further response the block can be used
This is just a frustration and take no offence from me for airing it "
Messages could be as polite as them come
But if your profile and interests don't align with mine, then there'll be no reply |
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By *recticWoman 28 weeks ago
taunton |
While I appreciate that it’s frustrating and I probably miss out on some really decent messages. Sainsbury’s also post unsolicited mail through my door that is neither offensive or discourteous and I don’t send send them a thanks but no thanks back.
Sometimes I intend to go back to a message I’ve read and mark it at as unread, then sometimes I forget. At present there’s 1336 unread mails in my inbox, it’s just not my job to open and reply to them all. If ( by chance) I see one that might be of interest I will stalk the profile first, and in some cases I’ll open it and others I just move on. |
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I feel for you, and I try to respond to messages that I can tell people put thought into, but sometimes it's overwhelming.
When I first created my account, before even having a pic or bio up, I had 3 messages from guys within 1 minute. It's alot! And honestly, replying to every message could end up being nearly a full time job.
But I do hope it gets better for you xx |
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"keep calm, carry on!" 👍
Its a matter of personal choice, your way if thinking isn't necessarily their way of thinking... Its like getting the planets to align... Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't... there's no definitive answer to be honest...good luck and happy fabbing!😁 |
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"Would anyone like a message to ignore?
100 words about your experience with hedge trimming and the effect of pesticides on the environment.
That’s a tight word count "
Will have to get my laptop out |
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"Would anyone like a message to ignore?
100 words about your experience with hedge trimming and the effect of pesticides on the environment.
That’s a tight word count
Will have to get my laptop out"
Looking forward to deleting unread already. |
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I understand your frustration OP but do you think it would be much fun for some women who get hundreds of messages a day to have to spend hours replying to every polite message just to say ‘no thanks’? It also cocks up the messaging filters for any future preferences. |
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I hope this was cathartic, OP. But you're best not to sweat it. It's not rude, and I personally think it's better than receiving loads of "thanks, but no" messages.
You always have the option of not sending messages and waiting to be contacted, but if you are sending speculative message you just have to accept some will be deleted unread. |
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"I hope this was cathartic, OP. But you're best not to sweat it. It's not rude, and I personally think it's better than receiving loads of "thanks, but no" messages.
You always have the option of not sending messages and waiting to be contacted, but if you are sending speculative message you just have to accept some will be deleted unread. "
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You really need to cease and desist with this common sense malarkey, YOLO, it really doesn't become you. You'll give me a peptic ulcer from your sensible comments. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 28 weeks ago
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"I hope this was cathartic, OP. But you're best not to sweat it. It's not rude, and I personally think it's better than receiving loads of "thanks, but no" messages.
You always have the option of not sending messages and waiting to be contacted, but if you are sending speculative message you just have to accept some will be deleted unread.
•
You really need to cease and desist with this common sense malarkey, YOLO, it really doesn't become you. You'll give me a peptic ulcer from your sensible comments."
What a great word ‘malarkey”. It should be encouraged more in everyday life, taught in schools.
Let’s all have more “malarkey” in life!!! |
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By *ost SockMan 28 weeks ago
West Wales and Cardiff |
"Its just one of those things.. dont take it to heart. When someone doesn't reply or delete a message, just take it as a no thanks.. there could be lots of reasons for it and probbaly nothing on you.. too many messages, not fitting preferences, messaging at wrong time when someone's had a bad day..
Chin up dude 👍
Cheers - I really don’t take it to heart I just think that a well written relevant message just merits a “not for me but good luck” "
Imagine being a woman (it’s fun!). Would you honestly write that, or even copy and paste it into messages that were good every single day of your life after wading through 20, 30, 50, 100 or more terrible ones (I’ve seen the messages women get daily - it’s debilitating for the soul)?
I certainly wouldn’t get round to that level of Fab admin excellence. I don’t mean to be rude, I don’t think you would do either.
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By (user no longer on site) 28 weeks ago
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I have sent many polite messages saying “sorry not for us” or similar, but once I’ve replied I find we get inundated and they don’t take the hint. (I know not everyone is like that) but it ruins it for the few normal people
C x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 28 weeks ago
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"I have sent many polite messages saying “sorry not for us” or similar, but once I’ve replied I find we get inundated and they don’t take the hint. (I know not everyone is like that) but it ruins it for the few normal people
C x"
You are right - friends I have just block if the person comes back with “why?” Or “can I change your mind?”
Or even “you don’t what you’re missing?”
I appreciate a man rejected even politely can be a party |
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By *teveKayMan 28 weeks ago
Hebden Bridge |
Nobody is entitled to a response, and if men start thinking they are just because they were nice, then women were likely right to not respond.
Suck it up, move on, and remember that nobody owes you their time. |
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It's a cruel cruel world and as many folks have said a response isn't a given - their not being rude just managing time.
A 10s response multiplied by 200 or so messages is over half an hour of time - so I can see why many don't respond.
They could of course just be rude, who can tell it's like Schroedinger's cat 
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"Nobody is entitled to a response, and if men start thinking they are just because they were nice, then women were likely right to not respond.
Suck it up, move on, and remember that nobody owes you their time."
I agree with this. It's only because of the actions of men that I delete messages
nowadays, without responding.
Why do women have to put up with abuse and being bothered
by men who can't take no for an answer? Or messages from men who are clearly not our preference?
Or men who reply personally to our forum posts even though they were not invited.
We are not here to respond tp you because you feel hurt or upset in some way. We are here to meet people who are our preference and satisfy our sexual desires.
I think women have had to stick to rules set by men for too long and look where that has got us?
No let us be free to conduct our lives as we see fit.
Just as your male privilege has afforded you, your whole life.
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