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Feelings, schmeelings

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

It's long. I apologise. I was reading this and it's something I'm trying to improve upon so....

"We are wired to have feelings. If we express these feelings in off-putting ways, this wiring can invite a disconnect in our relationships. By contrast, expressing feelings in a safe way can lead to our feeling more connected, especially to loved ones. Sharing feelings effectively often begins with two simple words: “I feel….”. Fill in the blank then with a feeling-word, that is, a word such as confused, delighted, or exhausted.

If you’re having trouble identifying the feeling, you can do multiple choice. Try picking one from these four basics: mad, sad, glad, or scared.

The mistake that people often make when they are trying to share a feeling is to say "I feel that... " The word that indicates that what will follow is going to be a thought, not a feeling. Thoughts are fine to share. At the same time, thoughts convey dry information, not the juice of what you are experiencing within. Feelings have a stronger bonding impact. Too often, instead of saying “I feel…, ” people start out with the mistaken phrase “You make me feel…”

“You make me feel…” comes across as an accusation, a statement of blame, not a statement of your feelings. Statements of feelings, and especially of vulnerable feelings like sad, confused, or anxious, invite empathy from most listeners. Accusations, by contrast, are off-putting, inviting defensiveness and antagonism.

“You make me feel…” is dis-empowering. You make me feel ... ” gives away your power to fix your negative feelings. The phrase makes you into a helpless victim. While the phrase induces guilt or shame in your partner, it simultaneously renders you powerless.

“You make me feel…” invites counter-accusations. Because the phrase "You make me feel ... " sounds like an attack, and attacks beget counter-attacks, before long your conversation is likely to escalate into an angry argument.

“You make me feel” is based on a misunderstanding about what triggers feelings. One person generally does not alone make another feel anything. What matters is the combination of what one person says (or does) and the other person's interpretation of the words or actions. For instance, if you try to make me laugh, I may respond with mild amusement, but I may also respond with scorn, with annoyance, with frustration, or with great affection. It's the combo of what you say/do and what I bring to the situation in terms of my way of viewing it. That is, a listener’s response comes as much from factors within the listener as from what others have said or done.

The bottom line is that how you express feelings makes a huge difference in how receptively your feelings will be heard.

At the same time, the person with whom you are sharing your feelings has a major role in whether the discussion will be positive or not. Narcissistic people for instance may ignite in irritation when they hear expressions of a partner's vulnerable feelings no matter how that feeling has been presented. Others may take personally, as a criticism of them, the negative feelings that you are describing.

More commonly though, sharing your inner feelings is likely to enhance the feeling of closeness between the two of you. "Intimacy" comes from the word "intima," which is the Latin word for the delicate and vulnerable linings of innermost body tissues. Share intimate feelings successfully and the dialogue that emerges is likely to bring you soothing responses." (PT)

How confident are you in expressing your feelings? What are you afraid of if you choose not to express them? Have you ever been surprised by the outcome of doing so, or been surprised by someone sharing their feelings with you?

Feelings are complex!

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By *iss.HoneyWoman over a year ago

...

I am rubbish at expressing my feelings

I don't talk about things that I should which confuses me down the line.

I worry about others before myself.

And when I have the chance to say what I really want to I often bottle it go fear of upsetting someone, being rejected or not having my feelings reciprocated..

Meh

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I am rubbish at expressing my feelings

I don't talk about things that I should which confuses me down the line.

I worry about others before myself.

And when I have the chance to say what I really want to I often bottle it go fear of upsetting someone, being rejected or not having my feelings reciprocated..

Meh

It's interesting that phrase of worrying about others before yourself...I've been thinking more and more about the fact that not expressing my feelings is actually doing others a disservice whereas before I thought not expressing them was me being less of a burden. By stating where I'm at, actually gives people the info to make informed choices about what next -- not necessarily meaning it will be what I want, but it allows people the ability to choose how they proceed and know the impact positively/negatively on me. Which in turn allows them the opportunity to explain the choices of their actions to me. It's hard. Life doesn't always give us what we want, but I'm committed to trying to not further muddy it up by putting out unclear information -- when I'm unsure what my feelings are, I'll say that now too. Like, I think rationally I'm okay with X but there's some resistance in me and I'm not sure what that's about yet, can I think about it?

Expressing things that are running around your head actually lessen the stress of them too! And they're feels, it's where you're at at a moment in time -- things can change, expressing them doesn't leave you in a position that you can't move on from.

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By *orum TrollWoman over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

i've actually got a friend on here and she makes me feel valued and that she cares about me and this helps a lot, now my feelings are being validated i feel very comfortable expressing them. she also seems to express her feelings to me, so i feel there is reciprocation there and this heightens my trust in her also. i can express myself with other people too, if i trust them and know they actually give a shit.

i think others can affect your mood, not sure why the article implies it cannot and all your feelings are down to yourself. although if they said that so s not to start arguments with people who are defensive (as was partially mentioned) i do get that. can't be arsed with defensive people personally.

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By *eliWoman over a year ago

I'll know it when I find it.

Erm, I'll reply to your questions later.

But I actually really didn't like that PT article.

It takes such a negative spin on words - 'you make me feel' doesn't have to have one of the aforementioned negative connotations.

'You make me feel happy'.

'You make me smile'.

'You make me want to kiss you'.

'You make me want to reply'.

I think that sort of dialogue exchange can encourage intimacy - you're directly telling someone the effect they have on you and what feelings they arouse in you. To me that's one of the more sincere and intimate discussions you can have.

But yes to your questions.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"i've actually got a friend on here and she makes me feel valued and that she cares about me and this helps a lot, now my feelings are being validated i feel very comfortable expressing them. she also seems to express her feelings to me, so i feel there is reciprocation there and this heightens my trust in her also. i can express myself with other people too, if i trust them and know they actually give a shit.

Oh I didn't read it as saying feelings are only down to you, I think it was just countering the it being all down to another -- hence the bit about it being the combination of both what someone says/does *and* what you as listener brings to those actions/conversations that causes the feelings.

Yes! It's brilliant when you build that trust with someone to reciprocally share and support and voice your feelings safely. I'm such a believer in it being important to have someone to talk things through with as a sounding board.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If murder wasn't illegal, I feel that I could express my feelings in a more constructive way.

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By *eliWoman over a year ago

I'll know it when I find it.

'You make me feel happy'.

'You make me feel like smiling'.

'You make me feel like I want to kiss you'.

'You make me feel like I want to reply'.

I forgot the 'feel' part sorry!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I don't talk often about my feelings, so scared of being hurt and rejected.

I'm still damaged after an abusive marriage so took me a while to admit to mr how I felt.

It's easier for me to say things in normal conversation then quickly move on than try for a deep conversation. Though I keep getting pulled into them. But I'm also one of those people who wear their heart on their sleeve so it's pretty obvious if I love someone. X

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Erm, I'll reply to your questions later.

But I actually really didn't like that PT article.

It takes such a negative spin on words - 'you make me feel' doesn't have to have one of the aforementioned negative connotations.

'You make me feel happy'.

'You make me smile'.

'You make me want to kiss you'.

'You make me want to reply'.

But yes to your questions.

That's a really good point, Meli. I entirely agree with you. I arrived at the article from a position of how to share a difficult conversation with someone when things aren't going so well, and hence it resonated as I read. But, it is very one-sided in that focus (without clarifying the points you make to show the flip side).

You made me rethink it, and you made me smile about the positive aspects of the language!! Thank you

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

'You make me feel happy'.

'You make me feel like smiling'.

'You make me feel like I want to kiss you'.

'You make me feel like I want to reply'.

I forgot the 'feel' part sorry!

Ha!! So did I!!

You made me feel differently about the article so I rethought it, and you made me feel smiley about the positive aspects of the language!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I feel pretty happy about how well I express my feelings. However my foible is acting out at times, when I don't recognise what is really causing me to feel angry or sad.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"If murder wasn't illegal, I feel that I could express my feelings in a more constructive way."

I feel there's some anger here.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I don't talk often about my feelings, so scared of being hurt and rejected.

I'm still damaged after an abusive marriage so took me a while to admit to mr how I felt.

I like your point about saying things then quickly moving on. Is it a bit like throwing the feelings out and then running away and hiding hoping they didn't get noticed? I may be thinking about what I do here, so I'll question rather than assume!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I feel like am going to need my reading glasses for this one

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I feel pretty happy about how well I express my feelings. However my foible is acting out at times, when I don't recognise what is really causing me to feel angry or sad."

Yes, that's a killer isn't it?! And one of those - oh!! moments when it dawns on you!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I feel like am going to need my reading glasses for this one

Sorry!!

In short, tell me someone on your hotlist.....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Erm, I'll reply to your questions later.

But I actually really didn't like that PT article.

It takes such a negative spin on words - 'you make me feel' doesn't have to have one of the aforementioned negative connotations.

'You make me feel happy'.

'You make me smile'.

'You make me want to kiss you'.

'You make me want to reply'.

But yes to your questions.

I think the reason You make me.... is problematic is it disempowers ourselves and gives control of our feelings to others

I feel happy when you are with me owns the power to choose how you feel.

I feel pissed off when you only wash the dishes and leave the cooker and the surfaces in a state, etc.....

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By *uckandbunnyCouple over a year ago

In your bed

Just be cold hearted then those pesky feelings are no problem at all.

Sorted!

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By *orum TrollWoman over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

saying it's disempowering implied that to me. i enjoy being vulnerable anyway so maybe am oversensitive to such words or phrases as used in this article.

after years of cPTSD and not having, or sometimes not caring that i had, feelings on many occasions i do enjoy expressing them. and enjoy the intimacy that comes with that.

i have one ex who helped me understand what care and love really are also helped, and eventually being on my own for a while helped me figure out the rest. by giving myself time to evaluate a lot of things in my life, with new information i had to hand.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I feel pretty happy about how well I express my feelings. However my foible is acting out at times, when I don't recognise what is really causing me to feel angry or sad.

Yes, that's a killer isn't it?! And one of those - oh!! moments when it dawns on you! "

I usually get there pretty quick or someone close to me 'spits in my soup' and calls the game

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By *iss.HoneyWoman over a year ago

...

I'm able to express anger well.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I like to put most feelings inside a box, then put that box in a safe, and then put that safe in a hole...and then pour concrete on top

Occasionally I let them slip out, such as letting someone know I like them, but normally they're safer hidden. If I'm with someone though, I make sure they know.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Jeez. What a bloody minefield. We ice queens have it easy

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Just be cold hearted then those pesky feelings are no problem at all.

Sorted!

No!! I've spent too long being an ice queen! Warm my frozen heart!!!

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By *a Fee VerteWoman over a year ago

Limbo

Feelings are complex! "

I'm not particularly confident in expressing my feelings at all. Some of that is due to low self esteem and/or a lack of confidence, but it's also due to (quite plentuful) past experience where attempts to explain or describe my feelings have met with ridicule, anger, dismissal, and misunderstanding. In some instances, that was at least in part due to unhealthy dynamics, but in most instances, my true feelings (rather than a put on act) about a given situation are very often at odds with what's considered conventionally acceptable and just don't make logical sense to many people however much I try to explain - which in turn makes balanced discussion very difficult indeed. I've resorted, in the end, when what I'm trying to convey what just isn't accepted to simply insisting that I can't help my feelings, they are what they are - but unfortunately, this kind of situation has often ended up with me screeching in frustration and tempers getting frayed on all sides. Consequently, because I know the (probable) script I'll often bottle up feelings to avoid conflict - but of course I know that's unhealthy too.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I don't talk often about my feelings, so scared of being hurt and rejected.

I'm still damaged after an abusive marriage so took me a while to admit to mr how I felt.

Yes, it is very much like that, but mr is too clever to let me get away with it. It is a bad habit and it's a way of protecting myself but I recognise the behaviour and I'm trying harder to own my feelings and say them when they will be appreciated for it being the right time. X

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think there's an even more constructive way to address this. 'what you said, makes me feel...' takes the personal attack out of it, but also doesn't absolve the other person of all responsibility like I feel the other way does.

And no, I have no problem showing my emotions. When I have them.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

saying it's disempowering implied that to me. i enjoy being vulnerable anyway so maybe am oversensitive to such words or phrases as used in this article.

after years of cPTSD and not having, or sometimes not caring that i had, feelings on many occasions i do enjoy expressing them. and enjoy the intimacy that comes with that.

That's a fair point.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I feel pretty happy about how well I express my feelings. However my foible is acting out at times, when I don't recognise what is really causing me to feel angry or sad.

Yes, that's a killer isn't it?! And one of those - oh!! moments when it dawns on you!

I usually get there pretty quick or someone close to me 'spits in my soup' and calls the game

You brat!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I'm able to express anger well. "

Is it because it's masking something else?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Feelings? There's a grenade and a half!

Commenting so I can come back to this, waffle ineffectually and not add much

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I like to put most feelings inside a box, then put that box in a safe, and then put that safe in a hole...and then pour concrete on top

Occasionally I let them slip out, such as letting someone know I like them, but normally they're safer hidden. If I'm with someone though, I make sure they know."

Why are they safer hidden?

And how do you get to the point of being with someone and letting them know if you're hiding your feelings?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Jeez. What a bloody minefield. We ice queens have it easy"

I'm transitioning from ice queeniness!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm not good at expressing my feelings although I'm often very aware of them. I said I was grumpy. I know its not that.

I can understand the article though and how the way you express things affects the response you get.

My feelings today were reflective of a memory triggered by a workmate. I did say I felt a bit sad and explained the reasons why but had I implied she made me feel that way the outcome would be different, her feelings of guilt would affect me negatively too.

I'm not normally one for sharing things like that and I'm not sure why I did with her. Normally I would take myself away and deal with it alone. Maybe it was circumstantial, there were others around in other rooms who I wouldn't want to speak to.

I'm not sure why I came on here and made that thread though. Maybe it was a bit like a group hug.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Feelings are complex!

Gosh yes! Now that's an interesting perspective -- re how we deal with hearing a message we just don't understand/grasp from someone else (putting myself in the shoes of the person listening to you). Or is it that we simply don't *want* to grasp it/understand it as it's not the answer we want?

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By *orum TrollWoman over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

"I think there's an even more constructive way to address this. 'what you said, makes me feel...' takes the personal attack out of it, but also doesn't absolve the other person of all responsibility like I feel the other way does.

And no, I have no problem showing my emotions. When I have them."

yeah i don't like phychology today and feel a lot of psuedointellectuals use that as their base for writing.

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By *ola cubesMan over a year ago

coatbridge

Most feelings I express with...... get out my sight. Or ......analyse this as I walk out the door.

in all seriousness I dont share my feelings and to be honest I dont want to that requires a deep bond or a shared camaraderie with who you share. Some times these things are so deep seated against something that you simply cant/wont allow them to come out

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Jeez. What a bloody minefield. We ice queens have it easy

I'm transitioning from ice queeniness! "

I did that. I'm back full circle. It's much less drama. I sincerely hope you have better luck!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I don't talk often about my feelings, so scared of being hurt and rejected.

I'm still damaged after an abusive marriage so took me a while to admit to mr how I felt.

I totally understand this. I try to remember that it's important to say and wait or come back to the conversation, rather than throw feelings out and run/out walls up again, as the listener needs time to hear, process and clarify their understanding of my points. If I make it about something they need, I find it easier to remain open after expressing something!! Again, linked somewhat to my comfort at helping another more than helping myself!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I don't talk often about my feelings, so scared of being hurt and rejected.

I'm still damaged after an abusive marriage so took me a while to admit to mr how I felt.

*put walls up

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I like to put most feelings inside a box, then put that box in a safe, and then put that safe in a hole...and then pour concrete on top

Occasionally I let them slip out, such as letting someone know I like them, but normally they're safer hidden. If I'm with someone though, I make sure they know.

Why are they safer hidden?

And how do you get to the point of being with someone and letting them know if you're hiding your feelings?

When they're hidden, they get forgotten about, and I can't act on them in a way that will end up in someone getting hurt.

Normally requires the other person to reveal their interest first. Then I dont mind letting them out.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

And no, I have no problem showing my emotions. When I have them."

Nods, yes that's true. It's interesting (I just played it out in my head a bit) I know what you mean re not fully absolving the other, but I personally feel that to get to that point has to be about them feeling safe to take ownership and that comes with me leading with 'I feel' until there's a state of readiness to discuss.

You have feelings!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Feelings? There's a grenade and a half!

Commenting so I can come back to this, waffle ineffectually and not add much

See you later then

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I feel like am going to need my reading glasses for this one

Sorry!!

In short, tell me someone on your hotlist.....

I only have one 'Estella'

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman over a year ago

little house on the praire

I rarely tell people how i feel to be honest.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I'm not good at expressing my feelings although I'm often very aware of them. I said I was grumpy. I know its not that.

I can understand the article though and how the way you express things affects the response you get.

I'm not sure why I came on here and made that thread though. Maybe it was a bit like a group hug.

Oh Buns, thank you for sharing that. And group hugs are always available. It's interesting hearing you unpick this from your earlier thread to now. So is it sadness you're really feeling? Do you want to talk more about the memory or celebrate historical happiness or do you simply want to not be reminded? (I'm not asking you to disclose here as such, just thinking aloud)

(((hugs)))

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

And no, I have no problem showing my emotions. When I have them.

yeah i don't like phychology today and feel a lot of psuedointellectuals use that as their base for writing."

I like to use it as a bouncing point to find my own thinking, nothing more, nothing less.

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By *alcon43Woman over a year ago

Paisley

I was told that you could almost see what I'm thinking. I'd never make a good poker player and I wear my heart on my sleeve. Unfortunately that means it can be hurt easily.

If people make me laugh, lift my spirits and generally make me feel good then I'll tell them. I'll let people know if I've enjoyed being with them both socially and for fun. I'm getting better and saying what I like too.

Being an adult isn't easy as we don't want to hurt others feelings but neglect our own at times.

It's time to love ourselves and let others know how we feel even if it's just because they make you smile. x

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Most feelings I express with...... get out my sight. Or ......analyse this as I walk out the door.

That is fair enough. Everyone is absolutely entitled to their own way of being. I'm sure there are pros and cons to each stance.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Jeez. What a bloody minefield. We ice queens have it easy

I'm transitioning from ice queeniness!

I did that. I'm back full circle. It's much less drama. I sincerely hope you have better luck! "

Bwahahaha, I'll see you on the return journey!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I don't talk often about my feelings, so scared of being hurt and rejected.

I'm still damaged after an abusive marriage so took me a while to admit to mr how I felt.

*put walls up"

Yes it's that need to know I'm loved and wanted but scared to let them know I'm vulnerable. It's a hard habit to break. X

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I like to put most feelings inside a box, then put that box in a safe, and then put that safe in a hole...and then pour concrete on top

Occasionally I let them slip out, such as letting someone know I like them, but normally they're safer hidden. If I'm with someone though, I make sure they know.

Why are they safer hidden?

And how do you get to the point of being with someone and letting them know if you're hiding your feelings?

When they're hidden, they get forgotten about, and I can't act on them in a way that will end up in someone getting hurt.

Normally requires the other person to reveal their interest first. Then I dont mind letting them out."

I wonder if they really are forgotten about though. I know for me (and it may just be me) they'll bubble up elsewhere!!

Yes, I've spent a long time doing the let someone else say first thing. I'm changing that. I want a different outcome.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I feel like am going to need my reading glasses for this one

Sorry!!

In short, tell me someone on your hotlist.....

I only have one 'Estella'

Hahaha!!! Such a liar, but I'll have that!! Yay!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I rarely tell people how i feel to be honest."

Is that a positive choice that works well or not? No judgement, I'm just finding people's varied input useful in assimilating my thoughts.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I was told that you could almost see what I'm thinking. I'd never make a good poker player and I wear my heart on my sleeve. Unfortunately that means it can be hurt easily.

Being an adult isn't easy as we don't want to hurt others feelings but neglect our own at times.

It's time to love ourselves and let others know how we feel even if it's just because they make you smile. x"

Your post has made me smile. Thank you.

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By *eliWoman over a year ago

I'll know it when I find it.

"I think the reason You make me.... is problematic is it disempowers ourselves and gives control of our feelings to others

I feel happy when you are with me owns the power to choose how you feel.

I feel pissed off when you only wash the dishes and leave the cooker and the surfaces in a state, etc....."

But is that disempowerment or vulnerability being exposed? I don't believe it does give full power to another by allowing them to understand the effect they have on you. I do believe it can be uncomfortable but I don't see why that has to be negative.

I'm aware of the fact that I'm not neurotypical though so maybe that has an effect on how I see language. Meh. I'm trying to work out how to reply to Star's questions in a comfortable manner and without a stream of consciousness.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman over a year ago

little house on the praire

"I rarely tell people how i feel to be honest.

Is that a positive choice that works well or not? No judgement, I'm just finding people's varied input useful in assimilating my thoughts. "
yes and no. But its my way of coping

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I don't talk often about my feelings, so scared of being hurt and rejected.

I'm still damaged after an abusive marriage so took me a while to admit to mr how I felt.

*put walls up

Yes it's that need to know I'm loved and wanted but scared to let them know I'm vulnerable. It's a hard habit to break. X "

It's hard when you know rationally that you are loved and wanted to explain to them how your heart needs to hear it expressed out loud frequently sometimes, and that that need is not you doubting them -- it's just you knowing that you're having a dip and that you need it to being yourself back.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I don't talk often about my feelings, so scared of being hurt and rejected.

I'm still damaged after an abusive marriage so took me a while to admit to mr how I felt.

*put walls up

Yes it's that need to know I'm loved and wanted but scared to let them know I'm vulnerable. It's a hard habit to break. X

*bring yourself back

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By *orum TrollWoman over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

And no, I have no problem showing my emotions. When I have them.

yeah i don't like phychology today and feel a lot of psuedointellectuals use that as their base for writing.

I like to use it as a bouncing point to find my own thinking, nothing more, nothing less. "

yeah use it if you want to. it's a good point for starting to think i guess, just i'm doing professional stuff so it's kinda useless for me and i notice flaws. i'm quite anal i suppose.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Jeez. What a bloody minefield. We ice queens have it easy

I'm transitioning from ice queeniness!

I did that. I'm back full circle. It's much less drama. I sincerely hope you have better luck!

Bwahahaha, I'll see you on the return journey! "

Let's hope you break the ice

I'm pretty much in the ice fortress to stay now. The last one I opened up to asked me to stay with his words and pushed me away with his actions. Talk is cheap. I'm not ready for another mistake.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I think the reason You make me.... is problematic is it disempowers ourselves and gives control of our feelings to others

I feel happy when you are with me owns the power to choose how you feel.

I feel pissed off when you only wash the dishes and leave the cooker and the surfaces in a state, etc.....

I think both opinions are right, and that's the point. The fact that it's through discussion of how we hear language, and often differently, that we can work on the space between two people as it's in that gap/that space that the relationship occurs. That's the magical bit. We don't all have to be the same, it's about learning each other.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I rarely tell people how i feel to be honest.

Is that a positive choice that works well or not? No judgement, I'm just finding people's varied input useful in assimilating my thoughts. yes and no. But its my way of coping"

I get that. We can only ever do the best we can with the info we've got.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

And no, I have no problem showing my emotions. When I have them.

yeah i don't like phychology today and feel a lot of psuedointellectuals use that as their base for writing.

I like to use it as a bouncing point to find my own thinking, nothing more, nothing less.

yeah use it if you want to. it's a good point for starting to think i guess, just i'm doing professional stuff so it's kinda useless for me and i notice flaws. i'm quite anal i suppose.

Oh no, nowt wrong with being anal. And there would be flaws in any opinion, as it is simply an opinion.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Jeez. What a bloody minefield. We ice queens have it easy

I'm transitioning from ice queeniness!

I did that. I'm back full circle. It's much less drama. I sincerely hope you have better luck!

Bwahahaha, I'll see you on the return journey!

Let's hope you break the ice

I'm pretty much in the ice fortress to stay now. The last one I opened up to asked me to stay with his words and pushed me away with his actions. Talk is cheap. I'm not ready for another mistake. "

Being in the fortress is 100% necessary at times.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

And no, I have no problem showing my emotions. When I have them.

Right. I get that. I'm not sure if it's more evolved to take responsibility or not. In all seriousness.

Part of me wants to feel that it's being the bigger person and there's a humility and strength in doing so, but another part of me feels that it's taking away, not only the other person's responsiblity and n the situation, but their own power too as an adult with an impact. I'm not going to treat them as a child who doesn't know better.

You have feelings!!

Not often. As you can tell.

Sorry for derailing this.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman over a year ago

little house on the praire

In my relationship im completly open and honest. I show every side of me. I do show positive feelings and if someone pisses me off i dont have to tell them they know. But i dont see why people would want to know my negative emotions all the while. I think i read this from a different point of view with having my illness

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

And no, I have no problem showing my emotions. When I have them.

Right. I get that. I'm not sure if it's more evolved to take responsibility or not. In all seriousness.

You have feelings!!

Not often. As you can tell.

Sorry for derailing this. "

No apology necessary! You are absolutely not derailing. Your point is really important.

I absolutely agree with the need for the other person to be accountable for their words/behaviour etc. Absolutely. I'd expect to be for mine, the other way round. Im not meaning to imply I'm absolving that. I'm only suggesting (again just my way of thinking) that the *timing* for the statement you suggested, I personally would bring in when we are both in the safe ready state of discussion, not as my opener. Even going for the 'I feel' approach can initially trigger confrontation (totally understandable) and I want to allow the person time to process through that, to then really discuss, hear, and understand how I got there (which was the combination of their actions/words and my 'take/triggers/experience' coming to it) -- so we can then both speak and listen and resolve anything together as equals in the conversation, not as one leading the conversation to the other.

I hope that kinda makes sense!

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By *orum TrollWoman over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

And no, I have no problem showing my emotions. When I have them.

yeah i don't like phychology today and feel a lot of psuedointellectuals use that as their base for writing.

I like to use it as a bouncing point to find my own thinking, nothing more, nothing less.

yeah use it if you want to. it's a good point for starting to think i guess, just i'm doing professional stuff so it's kinda useless for me and i notice flaws. i'm quite anal i suppose.

Oh no, nowt wrong with being anal. And there would be flaws in any opinion, as it is simply an opinion.

like i said it's a good starting point for thinking. my concentration isn't great either so anything that distracts me from an actual subject annoys me a little as well.

was hoping more than one person would get the anal thing...wasn't a freudian slip. *goes and takes her psych jokes elsewhere.*

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I can express most feelings easily so if I'm worried, sad, happy etc I can get this out.

What scares me more than anything is to tell someone special how I feel. I am definitely scared of rejection and that knife to the heart feeling.

So I keep it hidden, which some days, in itself feels like said knife to my heart

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"In my relationship im completly open and honest. I show every side of me. I do show positive feelings and if someone pisses me off i dont have to tell them they know. But i dont see why people would want to know my negative emotions all the while. I think i read this from a different point of view with having my illness"

Nods, I hear you -- I guess I'm thinking of those occasions when you perhaps need to work through something with someone as their actions or words are having an impact -- not that we should be constantly relaying our negative thoughts verbatim.

It's hard when perhaps you're experiencing something that is chronic and constantly negative to find the balance, I do see your point.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

And no, I have no problem showing my emotions. When I have them.

yeah i don't like phychology today and feel a lot of psuedointellectuals use that as their base for writing.

I like to use it as a bouncing point to find my own thinking, nothing more, nothing less.

yeah use it if you want to. it's a good point for starting to think i guess, just i'm doing professional stuff so it's kinda useless for me and i notice flaws. i'm quite anal i suppose.

Oh no, nowt wrong with being anal. And there would be flaws in any opinion, as it is simply an opinion.

like i said it's a good starting point for thinking. my concentration isn't great either so anything that distracts me from an actual subject annoys me a little as well.

was hoping more than one person would get the anal thing...wasn't a freudian slip. *goes and takes her psych jokes elsewhere.*"

Haha! I got it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I can express most feelings easily so if I'm worried, sad, happy etc I can get this out.

What scares me more than anything is to tell someone special how I feel. I am definitely scared of rejection and that knife to the heart feeling.

So I keep it hidden, which some days, in itself feels like said knife to my heart "

What are you going to do to change this? Is there someone you want to blurt it out to? I'm all for the blurt and run approach sometimes.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I can express most feelings easily so if I'm worried, sad, happy etc I can get this out.

What scares me more than anything is to tell someone special how I feel. I am definitely scared of rejection and that knife to the heart feeling.

So I keep it hidden, which some days, in itself feels like said knife to my heart

What are you going to do to change this? Is there someone you want to blurt it out to? I'm all for the blurt and run approach sometimes.

There is yes. I have skimmed over it but don't think I've said enough yet. I'll pm you if that's ok?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I can express most feelings easily so if I'm worried, sad, happy etc I can get this out.

What scares me more than anything is to tell someone special how I feel. I am definitely scared of rejection and that knife to the heart feeling.

So I keep it hidden, which some days, in itself feels like said knife to my heart

What are you going to do to change this? Is there someone you want to blurt it out to? I'm all for the blurt and run approach sometimes.

There is yes. I have skimmed over it but don't think I've said enough yet. I'll pm you if that's ok? "

Absolutely xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I like to put most feelings inside a box, then put that box in a safe, and then put that safe in a hole...and then pour concrete on top

Occasionally I let them slip out, such as letting someone know I like them, but normally they're safer hidden. If I'm with someone though, I make sure they know.

Why are they safer hidden?

And how do you get to the point of being with someone and letting them know if you're hiding your feelings?

When they're hidden, they get forgotten about, and I can't act on them in a way that will end up in someone getting hurt.

Normally requires the other person to reveal their interest first. Then I dont mind letting them out.

I wonder if they really are forgotten about though. I know for me (and it may just be me) they'll bubble up elsewhere!!

Yes, I've spent a long time doing the let someone else say first thing. I'm changing that. I want a different outcome.

They do occasionally come out sideways, but I stamp on them quite quick. You are right though, nothing is ever hidden forever, just given a lower priority to the point it seems forgotten.

I'm slowly changing it now. Men generally have to make the first move, especially with all the online messaging stuff.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I like to put most feelings inside a box, then put that box in a safe, and then put that safe in a hole...and then pour concrete on top

Occasionally I let them slip out, such as letting someone know I like them, but normally they're safer hidden. If I'm with someone though, I make sure they know.

Why are they safer hidden?

And how do you get to the point of being with someone and letting them know if you're hiding your feelings?

When they're hidden, they get forgotten about, and I can't act on them in a way that will end up in someone getting hurt.

Normally requires the other person to reveal their interest first. Then I dont mind letting them out.

I wonder if they really are forgotten about though. I know for me (and it may just be me) they'll bubble up elsewhere!!

Yes, I've spent a long time doing the let someone else say first thing. I'm changing that. I want a different outcome.

They do occasionally come out sideways, but I stamp on them quite quick. You are right though, nothing is ever hidden forever, just given a lower priority to the point it seems forgotten.

I'm slowly changing it now. Men generally have to make the first move, especially with all the online messaging stuff.

I love how you seem to portray feelings like a nasty cockroach to stamp on!! I like my feelings - both the happy ones and the sad ones, there's a certain power in really giving myself over to them (again, I know everyone is different, I'm certainly not suggesting there's a right or wrong way).

Good luck with the first move stuff.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm not good at expressing my feelings although I'm often very aware of them. I said I was grumpy. I know its not that.

I can understand the article though and how the way you express things affects the response you get.

I'm not sure why I came on here and made that thread though. Maybe it was a bit like a group hug.

(((hugs)))"

No I very much like to relive memories. It was a good one it just made me sad to be missing someone. I guess I felt a bit lonely too hence my blatant cry for attention on here

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I like to put most feelings inside a box, then put that box in a safe, and then put that safe in a hole...and then pour concrete on top

Occasionally I let them slip out, such as letting someone know I like them, but normally they're safer hidden. If I'm with someone though, I make sure they know.

Why are they safer hidden?

And how do you get to the point of being with someone and letting them know if you're hiding your feelings?

When they're hidden, they get forgotten about, and I can't act on them in a way that will end up in someone getting hurt.

Normally requires the other person to reveal their interest first. Then I dont mind letting them out.

I wonder if they really are forgotten about though. I know for me (and it may just be me) they'll bubble up elsewhere!!

Yes, I've spent a long time doing the let someone else say first thing. I'm changing that. I want a different outcome.

They do occasionally come out sideways, but I stamp on them quite quick. You are right though, nothing is ever hidden forever, just given a lower priority to the point it seems forgotten.

I'm slowly changing it now. Men generally have to make the first move, especially with all the online messaging stuff.

Good luck with the first move stuff.

Haha it depends on the feeling. "Good" ones, like laughter and fun are fine. "Bad" ones like anger and hate get subdued. "Vulnerable" ones like sad, lust get boxed up.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I'm not good at expressing my feelings although I'm often very aware of them. I said I was grumpy. I know its not that.

I can understand the article though and how the way you express things affects the response you get.

I'm not sure why I came on here and made that thread though. Maybe it was a bit like a group hug.

(((hugs)))

No I very much like to relive memories. It was a good one it just made me sad to be missing someone. I guess I felt a bit lonely too hence my blatant cry for attention on here

Nods. That makes sense. Post more threads, and get what you need! I do that. Loneliness is such an overwhelming feeling. Why not start a thread talking about someone important that people miss, and what was wonderful about them - without going into private details but giving you an outlet to celebrate them and talk about them, and others the chance to do the same with someone they are missing. And group hug it out. I love reading about people's joyous memories of others. It can be so wonderfully uplifting and an antidote to loneliness.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Haha it depends on the feeling. "Good" ones, like laughter and fun are fine. "Bad" ones like anger and hate get subdued. "Vulnerable" ones like sad, lust get boxed up."

Absolutely how I deal with it too. I may be emotionally stunted but I'm generally happier this way.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I like to put most feelings inside a box, then put that box in a safe, and then put that safe in a hole...and then pour concrete on top

Occasionally I let them slip out, such as letting someone know I like them, but normally they're safer hidden. If I'm with someone though, I make sure they know.

Why are they safer hidden?

And how do you get to the point of being with someone and letting them know if you're hiding your feelings?

When they're hidden, they get forgotten about, and I can't act on them in a way that will end up in someone getting hurt.

Normally requires the other person to reveal their interest first. Then I dont mind letting them out.

I wonder if they really are forgotten about though. I know for me (and it may just be me) they'll bubble up elsewhere!!

Yes, I've spent a long time doing the let someone else say first thing. I'm changing that. I want a different outcome.

They do occasionally come out sideways, but I stamp on them quite quick. You are right though, nothing is ever hidden forever, just given a lower priority to the point it seems forgotten.

I'm slowly changing it now. Men generally have to make the first move, especially with all the online messaging stuff.

Good luck with the first move stuff.

Haha it depends on the feeling. "Good" ones, like laughter and fun are fine. "Bad" ones like anger and hate get subdued. "Vulnerable" ones like sad, lust get boxed up."

Interesting.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Haha it depends on the feeling. "Good" ones, like laughter and fun are fine. "Bad" ones like anger and hate get subdued. "Vulnerable" ones like sad, lust get boxed up.

Absolutely how I deal with it too. I may be emotionally stunted but I'm generally happier this way. "

I think we definitely find the strategies that work for us, and can only do what works until it doesn't. I absolutely agree that the ice fortress is vital at times.

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By *ink Panther.Woman over a year ago

Preston

Ok I've sat down, you made me feel I needed to do that, so thank you I needed to have minute.

Feelings, well I think it's fairly obvious from my frequent gushing posts, I don't have an issue expressing my positive feelings. That is very much the result of being on the receiving end of negative feelings over a long period of time. I know how destructive it is and what it did to my confidence. However it has had a positive impact on my behaviour towards others. I will go out of my way to tell others how their actions have made me feel. I want them to know I appreciate them and value how good they make me feel.

Obviously ppl don't always make me feel good and therefore I have to express that too. I don't do this quite so well but I'm working on it. I will tend to discuss with the person a situation that has happened that has upset me. Ask the reason they did or didn't say or do something, rather than accusing them of hurting my feelings. I would suggest maybe next time something could be said or done in a different way. I don't like conflict or atmospheres so I have to do things in a way not to cause bad feeling or hurt.

So yes I'm confident in expressing my feelings. What would prevent me doing so, the thought of hurting someone else. This is only overridden if I'm in protective mode. When it's not about me, but someone I care about being hurt or attacked by another. The result generally of expressing my feelings is a more intimate relationship with the person. It builds trust and a connection that I enjoy so much with someone I care about

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Ok I've sat down, you made me feel I needed to do that, so thank you I needed to have minute.

Oh thank you, this is lovely to read through. I like your points about re being careful when your expression may hurt someone (but am I right in thinking you'd say it if it is highlighting impact they're having to another but may hurt them hearing, just you struggle with doing this when it's you that was affected negatively when you know telling them will hurt them?)

Yep, it's that 'connection' thing. The holy grail!

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By *ink Panther.Woman over a year ago

Preston

"Ok I've sat down, you made me feel I needed to do that, so thank you I needed to have minute.

Yep, it's that 'connection' thing. The holy grail!"

That's exactly right I am extremely protective and won't standby and watch someone I care about being hurt, it's a curse lol

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By *orum TrollWoman over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

And no, I have no problem showing my emotions. When I have them.

yeah i don't like phychology today and feel a lot of psuedointellectuals use that as their base for writing.

I like to use it as a bouncing point to find my own thinking, nothing more, nothing less.

yeah use it if you want to. it's a good point for starting to think i guess, just i'm doing professional stuff so it's kinda useless for me and i notice flaws. i'm quite anal i suppose.

Oh no, nowt wrong with being anal. And there would be flaws in any opinion, as it is simply an opinion.

like i said it's a good starting point for thinking. my concentration isn't great either so anything that distracts me from an actual subject annoys me a little as well.

was hoping more than one person would get the anal thing...wasn't a freudian slip. *goes and takes her psych jokes elsewhere.*

Haha! I got it.

cool. i was happy enough to make myself laugh if no-one else did anyway.

anyway this chat has helped me in an unexpected way. it finally prompted me to find my old online, intellectual buddies again, they moved to another site. so thanks for that.

very happy feelings here right now.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Ok I've sat down, you made me feel I needed to do that, so thank you I needed to have minute.

Yep, it's that 'connection' thing. The holy grail!

That's exactly right I am extremely protective and won't standby and watch someone I care about being hurt, it's a curse lol "

Gotcha

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

And no, I have no problem showing my emotions. When I have them.

yeah i don't like phychology today and feel a lot of psuedointellectuals use that as their base for writing.

I like to use it as a bouncing point to find my own thinking, nothing more, nothing less.

yeah use it if you want to. it's a good point for starting to think i guess, just i'm doing professional stuff so it's kinda useless for me and i notice flaws. i'm quite anal i suppose.

Oh no, nowt wrong with being anal. And there would be flaws in any opinion, as it is simply an opinion.

like i said it's a good starting point for thinking. my concentration isn't great either so anything that distracts me from an actual subject annoys me a little as well.

was hoping more than one person would get the anal thing...wasn't a freudian slip. *goes and takes her psych jokes elsewhere.*

Haha! I got it.

cool. i was happy enough to make myself laugh if no-one else did anyway.

anyway this chat has helped me in an unexpected way. it finally prompted me to find my old online, intellectual buddies again, they moved to another site. so thanks for that.

very happy feelings here right now."

I have a lot of regard for you 3sum. You're the business

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

And no, I have no problem showing my emotions. When I have them.

yeah i don't like phychology today and feel a lot of psuedointellectuals use that as their base for writing.

I like to use it as a bouncing point to find my own thinking, nothing more, nothing less.

yeah use it if you want to. it's a good point for starting to think i guess, just i'm doing professional stuff so it's kinda useless for me and i notice flaws. i'm quite anal i suppose.

Oh no, nowt wrong with being anal. And there would be flaws in any opinion, as it is simply an opinion.

like i said it's a good starting point for thinking. my concentration isn't great either so anything that distracts me from an actual subject annoys me a little as well.

was hoping more than one person would get the anal thing...wasn't a freudian slip. *goes and takes her psych jokes elsewhere.*

Haha! I got it.

cool. i was happy enough to make myself laugh if no-one else did anyway.

anyway this chat has helped me in an unexpected way. it finally prompted me to find my old online, intellectual buddies again, they moved to another site. so thanks for that.

very happy feelings here right now."

That's awesome! I'm pleased

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By *orum TrollWoman over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

And no, I have no problem showing my emotions. When I have them.

yeah i don't like phychology today and feel a lot of psuedointellectuals use that as their base for writing.

I like to use it as a bouncing point to find my own thinking, nothing more, nothing less.

yeah use it if you want to. it's a good point for starting to think i guess, just i'm doing professional stuff so it's kinda useless for me and i notice flaws. i'm quite anal i suppose.

Oh no, nowt wrong with being anal. And there would be flaws in any opinion, as it is simply an opinion.

like i said it's a good starting point for thinking. my concentration isn't great either so anything that distracts me from an actual subject annoys me a little as well.

was hoping more than one person would get the anal thing...wasn't a freudian slip. *goes and takes her psych jokes elsewhere.*

Haha! I got it.

cool. i was happy enough to make myself laugh if no-one else did anyway.

anyway this chat has helped me in an unexpected way. it finally prompted me to find my old online, intellectual buddies again, they moved to another site. so thanks for that.

very happy feelings here right now.

I have a lot of regard for you 3sum. You're the business "

if you saw these people i'm talking about my level of intelligence is nothing compared to them...ooh gonna learn so much now. well already been learning since this past hour.

thanks, am gonna not hog the topic any more with stuff nothing to do with the topic.

and thanks again estella.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

And no, I have no problem showing my emotions. When I have them.

yeah i don't like phychology today and feel a lot of psuedointellectuals use that as their base for writing.

I like to use it as a bouncing point to find my own thinking, nothing more, nothing less.

yeah use it if you want to. it's a good point for starting to think i guess, just i'm doing professional stuff so it's kinda useless for me and i notice flaws. i'm quite anal i suppose.

Oh no, nowt wrong with being anal. And there would be flaws in any opinion, as it is simply an opinion.

like i said it's a good starting point for thinking. my concentration isn't great either so anything that distracts me from an actual subject annoys me a little as well.

was hoping more than one person would get the anal thing...wasn't a freudian slip. *goes and takes her psych jokes elsewhere.*

Haha! I got it.

cool. i was happy enough to make myself laugh if no-one else did anyway.

anyway this chat has helped me in an unexpected way. it finally prompted me to find my old online, intellectual buddies again, they moved to another site. so thanks for that.

very happy feelings here right now.

I have a lot of regard for you 3sum. You're the business

if you saw these people i'm talking about my level of intelligence is nothing compared to them...ooh gonna learn so much now. well already been learning since this past hour.

thanks, am gonna not hog the topic any more with stuff nothing to do with the topic.

and thanks again estella."

Oh! I'm hardly stupid myself!

Either way, I've learnt a lot from you.

And yeah, thanks estella, it's made me look a bit deeper.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

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By *orum TrollWoman over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

And no, I have no problem showing my emotions. When I have them.

yeah i don't like phychology today and feel a lot of psuedointellectuals use that as their base for writing.

I like to use it as a bouncing point to find my own thinking, nothing more, nothing less.

yeah use it if you want to. it's a good point for starting to think i guess, just i'm doing professional stuff so it's kinda useless for me and i notice flaws. i'm quite anal i suppose.

Oh no, nowt wrong with being anal. And there would be flaws in any opinion, as it is simply an opinion.

like i said it's a good starting point for thinking. my concentration isn't great either so anything that distracts me from an actual subject annoys me a little as well.

was hoping more than one person would get the anal thing...wasn't a freudian slip. *goes and takes her psych jokes elsewhere.*

Haha! I got it.

cool. i was happy enough to make myself laugh if no-one else did anyway.

anyway this chat has helped me in an unexpected way. it finally prompted me to find my old online, intellectual buddies again, they moved to another site. so thanks for that.

very happy feelings here right now.

I have a lot of regard for you 3sum. You're the business

if you saw these people i'm talking about my level of intelligence is nothing compared to them...ooh gonna learn so much now. well already been learning since this past hour.

thanks, am gonna not hog the topic any more with stuff nothing to do with the topic.

and thanks again estella.

Oh! I'm hardly stupid myself!

Either way, I've learnt a lot from you.

And yeah, thanks estella, it's made me look a bit deeper. "

i was meaning i look stupid compared to these guys.well i know i look stupid anyway, but you know what i mean hopefully.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

And no, I have no problem showing my emotions. When I have them.

yeah i don't like phychology today and feel a lot of psuedointellectuals use that as their base for writing.

I like to use it as a bouncing point to find my own thinking, nothing more, nothing less.

yeah use it if you want to. it's a good point for starting to think i guess, just i'm doing professional stuff so it's kinda useless for me and i notice flaws. i'm quite anal i suppose.

Oh no, nowt wrong with being anal. And there would be flaws in any opinion, as it is simply an opinion.

like i said it's a good starting point for thinking. my concentration isn't great either so anything that distracts me from an actual subject annoys me a little as well.

was hoping more than one person would get the anal thing...wasn't a freudian slip. *goes and takes her psych jokes elsewhere.*

Haha! I got it.

cool. i was happy enough to make myself laugh if no-one else did anyway.

anyway this chat has helped me in an unexpected way. it finally prompted me to find my old online, intellectual buddies again, they moved to another site. so thanks for that.

very happy feelings here right now.

I have a lot of regard for you 3sum. You're the business

if you saw these people i'm talking about my level of intelligence is nothing compared to them...ooh gonna learn so much now. well already been learning since this past hour.

thanks, am gonna not hog the topic any more with stuff nothing to do with the topic.

and thanks again estella.

Oh! I'm hardly stupid myself!

Either way, I've learnt a lot from you.

And yeah, thanks estella, it's made me look a bit deeper.

i was meaning i look stupid compared to these guys.well i know i look stupid anyway, but you know what i mean hopefully.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Feelings are important for understanding the here and now. If you're meeting someone for the first time, your feelings tell you whether to continue or not.

Likewise, if your wife says "you feel so good inside me" then.thsts also a good indicator

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Feelings are important for understanding the here and now. If you're meeting someone for the first time, your feelings tell you whether to continue or not.

Likewise, if your wife says "you feel so good inside me" then.thsts also a good indicator

I got a bit over excited toward the end of that post

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Feelings are important for understanding the here and now. If you're meeting someone for the first time, your feelings tell you whether to continue or not.

Likewise, if your wife says "you feel so good inside me" then.thsts also a good indicator

I got a bit over excited toward the end of that post "

Yeah you did!!

. What caused *that* feeling, eh?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I often struggle to pin down how I'm feeling. To add insult to injury, the buggers often confuse and try to trick me.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

to quote the lancashire hotpots

"Emotions? Thas from Lancashire, thas not got none of those!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xilOgjeEwPg

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I often struggle to pin down how I'm feeling. To add insult to injury, the buggers often confuse and try to trick me. "

Why do you think you struggle recognising what you're feeling?

Google image search "mood wheel" -- it's quite a useful resource for prompting thinking about identifying the feels you're having and broadening your thoughts on vocabulary to describe different emotions -- sorry, it's a tool I've used with people -- I'm not saying you *have* to, I realise that sounded a little "you must" reading it back!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"to quote the lancashire hotpots

"Emotions? Thas from Lancashire, thas not got none of those!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xilOgjeEwPg

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I have many, varied, deeply felt emotions and moods. It's a rollercoaster. My mood is usually obvious. The cause not so much.

I'll express joy and anger easily. Love and sadness are expressed with a few that deserve my trust.

I'm often shy, but that's something i'm leaving behind as it's done me no favours (a learned behaviour, too long compelled to be less assertive as it's not feminine or some similar bullshit).

I don't feel it makes me suffer. Because if i don't take the blows, how will i ever reach the highs? I don't suffer with depression or depressive periods. I think that the knowledge that all moods come and go has helped me through tough times.

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By *inky-MinxWoman over a year ago

Grantham

Sharing feelings is the safest way to communicate with someone if there are issues.

I've learned all this the hard way but think I'm doing ok now

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I often struggle to pin down how I'm feeling. To add insult to injury, the buggers often confuse and try to trick me.

Why do you think you struggle recognising what you're feeling?

Not at all, I'll take all the help I can get. Stuff often just falls out of my mouth (or the tips of my fingers) in the feelings struggle and that often causes further confusion

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I have many, varied, deeply felt emotions and moods. It's a rollercoaster. My mood is usually obvious. The cause not so much.

I'll express joy and anger easily. Love and sadness are expressed with a few that deserve my trust.

I'm often shy, but that's something i'm leaving behind as it's done me no favours (a learned behaviour, too long compelled to be less assertive as it's not feminine or some similar bullshit).

Yes! Fathoming out the reasons/causes is a tricksome one. I'm trying to work on my shyness similarly, it's hard though.

You make an incredibly important point about remembering that feelings are transient. Thank you

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Sharing feelings is the safest way to communicate with someone if there are issues.

I've learned all this the hard way but think I'm doing ok now

I love that you call it the "safest" way to communicate. I concur.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I often struggle to pin down how I'm feeling. To add insult to injury, the buggers often confuse and try to trick me.

Why do you think you struggle recognising what you're feeling?

Not at all, I'll take all the help I can get. Stuff often just falls out of my mouth (or the tips of my fingers) in the feelings struggle and that often causes further confusion

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman over a year ago

little house on the praire

Do you think there is a difference between *feeling* and *Being*.

Someone could be sad but not have it as their main feeling or someone can be vulnerable but not feel it.

Or someone could act happy but not feel it

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By *inky-MinxWoman over a year ago

Grantham

"Do you think there is a difference between *feeling* and *Being*.

Someone could be sad but not have it as their main feeling or someone can be vulnerable but not feel it.

Or someone could act happy but not feel it"

This is actually a important part about feelings, learning to understand what you really feel.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Do you think there is a difference between *feeling* and *Being*.

Someone could be sad but not have it as their main feeling or someone can be vulnerable but not feel it.

Or someone could act happy but not feel it"

Can you give me a little more context from your perspective? Are you suggesting someone might be feeling, say happy, but actually be sad? That could be denial of what they're really feeling or their underlying emotions -- or could be a mask such as someone using the thrill and gratification of say drugs to feel good, albeit potentially temporarily to distract from the reality of feeling sad. Is that what you mean?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I might have used up my allocation of brain today but here are some thoughts on me.

I've never been good at expressing feelings.

I've always felt like a loner and being by myself has always been my preference so I've never learned to express them even with my family.

If I let someone inside the walls then I can express positive feelings and often run the risk of over expressing.

When it comes to negative feelings I try and keep them inside as i don't want confrontation. Having said that, apparently, you can tell exactly how I am feeling from my face and the set of my jaw.

It is rare that I share what I'm really feeling although a few folk here have been on the receiving end and, while it's not surprising, they've really picked me up

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I might have used up my allocation of brain today but here are some thoughts on me.

I've never been good at expressing feelings.

I've always felt like a loner and being by myself has always been my preference so I've never learned to express them even with my family.

If I let someone inside the walls then I can express positive feelings and often run the risk of over expressing.

When it comes to negative feelings I try and keep them inside as i don't want confrontation. Having said that, apparently, you can tell exactly how I am feeling from my face and the set of my jaw.

It is rare that I share what I'm really feeling although a few folk here have been on the receiving end and, while it's not surprising, they've really picked me up"

I think it can be very common to shy away from expressing your feelings for fear of confrontation or conflict -- often it just results in conflict anyway as it gives a false impression of what's going on for you -- in that you may end up saying what someone wants to hear to appease them but your behaviour (if those feelings were less than authentic) tells them something else and the dissonance creates confusion. Sorry, that's not *at* you, just thinking aloud.

I understand the over-spouting when you suddenly feel you've someone you feel safe with to confide in. It's hard to find the balance.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think it can be very common to shy away from expressing your feelings for fear of confrontation or conflict -- often it just results in conflict anyway as it gives a false impression of what's going on for you -- in that you may end up saying what someone wants to hear to appease them but your behaviour (if those feelings were less than authentic) tells them something else and the dissonance creates confusion. Sorry, that's not *at* you, just thinking aloud.

I understand the over-spouting when you suddenly feel you've someone you feel safe with to confide in. It's hard to find the balance. "

Yes the 'say the thing that smoothes over the awkward situation' is strong in me.

Sometimes I feel it's a good thing as maybe an argument isn't worth the energy. An apology when it isn't your fault for example. Other times it's probably setting a bad precedent that I can be walked over.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Amongst ourselves, we express our feelings

"You make me feel like I am on the top of the world"

"You make me feel like I am the most attractive woman"

I don't think there is anything negative about expressing these feelings to a person one loves

- Mrs. J -

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By *iss.HoneyWoman over a year ago

...

I understand the over-spouting when you suddenly feel you've someone you feel safe with to confide in. It's hard to find the balance.

Yes the 'say the thing that smoothes over the awkward situation' is strong in me.

I am an expert at saying the smooth thing...I'll even follow it through with behaviour but by God it pains me.

Mostly I say exactly what I am thinking, but I struggle to do that with a couple of people and it pisses me off so much.

I just think about the repercussions of my words before they flow with those. Ergh

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman over a year ago

little house on the praire

"Do you think there is a difference between *feeling* and *Being*.

Someone could be sad but not have it as their main feeling or someone can be vulnerable but not feel it.

Or someone could act happy but not feel it

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By *eliWoman over a year ago

I'll know it when I find it.

It depends on the circumstances and what that person means to me.

On here, in the written form, it's fairly clear what my more 'simple' feelings are. I don't try and hide those and have no problems expressing them whether positive or negative. The ones that are a bit more complicated for me? I rarely share. I feel probably a lot more intensely than people think. And people aren't very aware of them and I prefer it that way. I think in an atypical manner and the majority wouldn't understand it and I don't want the minority to. Maybe one or two would be good but I'm content.

It's actually quite simple to read people on here and what they 'really' feel at times. You can read it in their online 'voice' -occasionally that jars with what they are saying or portraying but that's cool. I find it easier to understand language on here than that on a face anyway and feelings are clearer.

If we're talking about feels - I don't share in case it's not reciprocated. I try and be aware of the feelings of others more now and won't often say how I really feel. I'll just ignore it and get over it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ok I've seen this a few times in the thread so far and thought I'd share some things I found useful in respect to feelings.

Firstly, there are no bad feelings.

For example Joy, sadness, anger, fear, surprise and disgust, curiosity and boredom are all emotional states that have an important place in our healthy well-being.

The difficulties arise when we haven't dealt with those emotions effectively which starts in childhood. We end up learning bad habits for dealing with them and that presents problems throughout our lives, until we become aware of the patterns and discover more effective ways to deal with them.

Positive ways of dealing with feelings and emotions are...

Identification, Acceptance, Control, Redirection, Transmutation, Catharsis and Expression

Dysfunctional ways of dealing with feelings and emotions are....

Alienation, Suppression, Fixation, Displacement, Distraction, Degradation, Dramatisation and Repression

Not sure whether any of this summary is of interest but if there's anything you'd like me to expand on let me know.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I understand the over-spouting when you suddenly feel you've someone you feel safe with to confide in. It's hard to find the balance.

Yes the 'say the thing that smoothes over the awkward situation' is strong in me.

You see I disagree a little, I think it's actually a little dishonest to give an apology if you don't mean it. I may apologise for upsetting someone if that's what happened but I'd clarify if it wasn't my intent, and then say I'm sorry that it did hurt them though, as even if they've incorrectly interpreted my intent, they've still felt hurt by my words or actions which I'll take accountability for and thus apologise -- and *mean* it. I don't think apologising and not meaning it to avoid confrontation is setting one up for being walked over, I think it's actually lying and disrespectful.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Amongst ourselves, we express our feelings

"You make me feel like I am on the top of the world"

"You make me feel like I am the most attractive woman"

I don't think there is anything negative about expressing these feelings to a person one loves

- Mrs. J -"

And I don't think anyone would disagree with that.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I understand the over-spouting when you suddenly feel you've someone you feel safe with to confide in. It's hard to find the balance.

Yes the 'say the thing that smoothes over the awkward situation' is strong in me.

I am an expert at saying the smooth thing...I'll even follow it through with behaviour but by God it pains me.

Mostly I say exactly what I am thinking, but I struggle to do that with a couple of people and it pisses me off so much.

I just think about the repercussions of my words before they flow with those. Ergh

Do you want to change this?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I avoid feeling like the plague. Feelings leave you vulnerable. No.thank.you

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Do you think there is a difference between *feeling* and *Being*.

Someone could be sad but not have it as their main feeling or someone can be vulnerable but not feel it.

Or someone could act happy but not feel it

Good questions indeed, and I don't have the answers!

For me, it's about getting to learn myself more and questioning/self-reflecting and hearing others' takes on things too.

And I guess I was talking more, at the top of this thread, about when you do know you have perhaps a negative feeling that you might shy away from expressing and how to go about doing so.

But, interesting points.

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By *inky-MinxWoman over a year ago

Grantham

Having spent decades 'smoothing' things I won't any more.

What I will do is be honest in a non confrontational way.

If I find my self in the company of someone who needs things 'smoothing' then I know they are not the sort of person I should spend time with

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I find it pretty easy expressing my feelings, although I do tend to sit on them for a period of time to make sure I'm not over-feeling. If after a day or so, I still feel the same about a situation, then I tend to let that person know.

I do usually find that once I've expressed the feeling, I can carry on. A downside of this is if I'm met with someone who would rather not talk about a past issue. Some prefer to get on with things and I find I can clash with those.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman over a year ago

little house on the praire

This thread has made me think. Unless its someone i love. (Close friends and family) i just walk away from anyone that makes me feel negative. I wouldnt bother talking it out with them. They would just be gone. Close people rarely make me feel negative. So are we talking about discussing our emotions with anyone or just people we love

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"It depends on the circumstances and what that person means to me.

I do agree with you in many ways about there being a gut sense in 'reading' people from online posts. I think we do give a lot away in our online commentary. I also think it's a false sense of ease too. I think it becomes very easy on here to read something and place the voice we've scripted on someone and it to be vastly incongruous with what is the actuality for them too, so it's something I'm quick to make gut judgements on, but slow to act on - as I'd want to question it further if it was important for me to read them accurately. That probably makes no sense! And who knows where we are all coming from in our postings today, even?

I have certainly had people 'read' me in one way, and on talking to me further realised that they misinterpreted me greatly (that's not at you!) and that is a great reminder to me that my voice is not as clear as I hope it might be.

I'm sad, in a way, that you in being sensitive to other's feelings that you feel the need (so many feels in this sentence) to hold in your feels. It's such a complicated web, isn't it?

I can tell you one thing though, I value your input massively on helping me hone my communication and thoughts. You give me the right attrition to sculpt better artwork. Thank you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Ok I've seen this a few times in the thread so far and thought I'd share some things I found useful in respect to feelings.

Firstly, there are no bad feelings.

For example Joy, sadness, anger, fear, surprise and disgust, curiosity and boredom are all emotional states that have an important place in our healthy well-being.

Positive ways of dealing with feelings and emotions are...

Identification, Acceptance, Control, Redirection, Transmutation, Catharsis and Expression

Dysfunctional ways of dealing with feelings and emotions are....

Alienation, Suppression, Fixation, Displacement, Distraction, Degradation, Dramatisation and Repression

Not sure whether any of this summary is of interest but if there's anything you'd like me to expand on let me know.

That's very useful, thanks YOWD.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I avoid feeling like the plague. Feelings leave you vulnerable. No.thank.you "

Is vulnerability so bad? I'm a big advocate of trying to be more vulnerable!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I understand the over-spouting when you suddenly feel you've someone you feel safe with to confide in. It's hard to find the balance.

Yes the 'say the thing that smoothes over the awkward situation' is strong in me.

I can see that POV. Some disagreements though are just a cover for getting a reaction. The thing you are arguing about is not really an argument it's just the need to get a reaction. A tactical withdrawal at that point, where the escalation would just start to get silly, can be a good thing. In my eyes.

But I take your point and it's given me something to think about. As you usually do

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Wanna come feel me

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Having spent decades 'smoothing' things I won't any more.

What I will do is be honest in a non confrontational way.

If I find my self in the company of someone who needs things 'smoothing' then I know they are not the sort of person I should spend time with

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I find it pretty easy expressing my feelings, although I do tend to sit on them for a period of time to make sure I'm not over-feeling. If after a day or so, I still feel the same about a situation, then I tend to let that person know.

Yes, that makes sense. If there's not the dynamic where someone wants to meet you in that gap and chat, it won't work. But I agree, I find it better to have expressed myself ultimately. I like the 'sitting on' idea. I do a lot of thinking about things - what I have to remember is when I'm ready to discuss, I'm starting the conversation with better preparation then the other person, I have to allow them time to think and prepare too!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"This thread has made me think. Unless its someone i love. (Close friends and family) i just walk away from anyone that makes me feel negative. I wouldnt bother talking it out with them. They would just be gone. Close people rarely make me feel negative. So are we talking about discussing our emotions with anyone or just people we love"

Either / or really.

I think as BlueEyedGirl says above, if someone is unwilling to talk (which may be the case if it is an acquaintance rather than a close person - although I appreciate that wasn't her full point) it may not work as they may simply be uninterested.

Although, I wouldn't necessarily not attempt a clear discussion with someone not hugely close, as for me it might be the fuel to creating closeness between us. You never know how you spark with someone (friendship/relationship whatever) until you start communicating more deeply. There's no one right or wrong though. You have to want to. They have to want to. But I think we can learn things from people (through communication) even if they aren't someone hugely close to us. I'm learning from everyone's input in this thread, for example.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I understand the over-spouting when you suddenly feel you've someone you feel safe with to confide in. It's hard to find the balance.

Yes the 'say the thing that smoothes over the awkward situation' is strong in me.

But I take your point and it's given me something to think about. As you usually do

I hear your point too. I guess my question there is, absolutely there's a want for a reaction and feeding it may not be useful. However, *why* the need for wanting to get a reaction? What's actually going on? Why is the person needing you (or whoever) to express a 'feel' even if it is a negative one? That's a conversation in itself.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Wanna come feel me

Yeah. I do.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman over a year ago

little house on the praire

Either / or really.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Either / or really.

Oh!!! That's epic! Thank you for sharing, that's right put a (diamond)smile on my face.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman over a year ago

little house on the praire

You do come up with the most thought provoking threads estella. I always enjoy everyones imput on them

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I have always been pretty open with my feelings, but i think it helps that I am quite an extrovert I can talk to anyone about anything as long as their is a connection. If he connection is present i will open up.

But then maybe foolishly I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them.

The strangest thing is I have always found it hard to share feeling in a relationship. In friendships its dead easy

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"You do come up with the most thought provoking threads estella. I always enjoy everyones imput on them"

+1 to that

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Feelings are important for understanding the here and now. If you're meeting someone for the first time, your feelings tell you whether to continue or not.

Likewise, if your wife says "you feel so good inside me" then.thsts also a good indicator

I got a bit over excited toward the end of that post

Yeah you did!!

. What caused *that* feeling, eh?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"You do come up with the most thought provoking threads estella. I always enjoy everyones imput on them"

Thank you. I'm just a witterer-onner. And yes, it's everyone's input that makes the thread - yours included. It's brilliant stuff.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I have always been pretty open with my feelings, but i think it helps that I am quite an extrovert I can talk to anyone about anything as long as their is a connection. If he connection is present i will open up.

But then maybe foolishly I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them.

The strangest thing is I have always found it hard to share feeling in a relationship. In friendships its dead easy "

Why do you think there's a difference?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"You do come up with the most thought provoking threads estella. I always enjoy everyones imput on them

+1 to that "

Awwww fanx.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Feelings are important for understanding the here and now. If you're meeting someone for the first time, your feelings tell you whether to continue or not.

Likewise, if your wife says "you feel so good inside me" then.thsts also a good indicator

I got a bit over excited toward the end of that post

Yeah you did!!

. What caused *that* feeling, eh?

I'll intuit a response there.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

But then maybe foolishly I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them.

The strangest thing is I have always found it hard to share feeling in a relationship. In friendships its dead easy

Why do you think there's a difference?"

To me relationships are conditional (I am speaking from my own experience here in relationships that i have been in).

Certaim friendships are unconditional i can really open up to those people. Funnily enough those friendships have been made on fab

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

But then maybe foolishly I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them.

The strangest thing is I have always found it hard to share feeling in a relationship. In friendships its dead easy

Why do you think there's a difference?

To me relationships are conditional (I am speaking from my own experience here in relationships that i have been in).

Certaim friendships are unconditional i can really open up to those people. Funnily enough those friendships have been made on fab

As in because they don't owe you anything and you don't owe them anything it is easier to express yourself?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

But then maybe foolishly I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them.

The strangest thing is I have always found it hard to share feeling in a relationship. In friendships its dead easy

Why do you think there's a difference?

To me relationships are conditional (I am speaking from my own experience here in relationships that i have been in).

Certaim friendships are unconditional i can really open up to those people. Funnily enough those friendships have been made on fab

As in because they don't owe you anything and you don't owe them anything it is easier to express yourself?

Definitely.

I have always struggled with the idea of letting someone down. Dont get me wrong i have done but i always try to make sure i dont leave things on a sour note

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

But then maybe foolishly I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them.

The strangest thing is I have always found it hard to share feeling in a relationship. In friendships its dead easy

Why do you think there's a difference?

To me relationships are conditional (I am speaking from my own experience here in relationships that i have been in).

Certaim friendships are unconditional i can really open up to those people. Funnily enough those friendships have been made on fab

As in because they don't owe you anything and you don't owe them anything it is easier to express yourself?

Definitely.

I have always struggled with the idea of letting someone down. Dont get me wrong i have done but i always try to make sure i dont leave things on a sour note "

Gosh, what an interesting perspective. That the close/romantic relationship actually feels the less safe one to truly express yourself in, for fear of hurting the other person. That's got me thinking. Thank you for your input.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

But then maybe foolishly I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them.

The strangest thing is I have always found it hard to share feeling in a relationship. In friendships its dead easy

Why do you think there's a difference?

To me relationships are conditional (I am speaking from my own experience here in relationships that i have been in).

Certaim friendships are unconditional i can really open up to those people. Funnily enough those friendships have been made on fab

As in because they don't owe you anything and you don't owe them anything it is easier to express yourself?

Definitely.

I have always struggled with the idea of letting someone down. Dont get me wrong i have done but i always try to make sure i dont leave things on a sour note

You are welcome

Just one last point for me the romantic relationship feels like a strangulation of the feelings that cant come out.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I just bottle them up and plod along. Does the trick

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

But then maybe foolishly I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them.

The strangest thing is I have always found it hard to share feeling in a relationship. In friendships its dead easy

Why do you think there's a difference?

To me relationships are conditional (I am speaking from my own experience here in relationships that i have been in).

Certaim friendships are unconditional i can really open up to those people. Funnily enough those friendships have been made on fab

As in because they don't owe you anything and you don't owe them anything it is easier to express yourself?

Definitely.

I have always struggled with the idea of letting someone down. Dont get me wrong i have done but i always try to make sure i dont leave things on a sour note

You are welcome

Just one last point for me the romantic relationship feels like a strangulation of the feelings that cant come out. "

Gosh, that doesn't sound good.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I just bottle them up and plod along. Does the trick

Ever get the feeling you're missing out on anything because of that?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I just bottle them up and plod along. Does the trick

Ever get the feeling you're missing out on anything because of that?"

Sometimes, it depends on the situation really. If I'm just having a shitty day I wouldn't feel I'm missing out on anything. All that 'whats wrong?' conversation just gets awkward sometimes lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I just bottle them up and plod along. Does the trick

Ever get the feeling you're missing out on anything because of that?

Sometimes, it depends on the situation really. If I'm just having a shitty day I wouldn't feel I'm missing out on anything. All that 'whats wrong?' conversation just gets awkward sometimes lol"

Why, *is* there anything wrong, Oliver?! Hahaha. No, I get what you mean. I'm not so much talking about over discussion of feelings. More how able are you to express your true feelings in particular if you need to discuss a tricky topic?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I just bottle them up and plod along. Does the trick

Ever get the feeling you're missing out on anything because of that?

Sometimes, it depends on the situation really. If I'm just having a shitty day I wouldn't feel I'm missing out on anything. All that 'whats wrong?' conversation just gets awkward sometimes lol

Haha! All theoretical. I think

As in, expressing you have feelings for a person, or a situation?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I just bottle them up and plod along. Does the trick

Ever get the feeling you're missing out on anything because of that?

Sometimes, it depends on the situation really. If I'm just having a shitty day I wouldn't feel I'm missing out on anything. All that 'whats wrong?' conversation just gets awkward sometimes lol

Haha! All theoretical. I think

As in, expressing you have feelings for a person, or a situation?"

All theoretical? Oh okay. I'm less interested in someone's theoretical as it's not authentic. Not to worry, it wasn't about what would you do in a set situation.

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

But then maybe foolishly I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them.

The strangest thing is I have always found it hard to share feeling in a relationship. In friendships its dead easy

Why do you think there's a difference?

To me relationships are conditional (I am speaking from my own experience here in relationships that i have been in).

Certaim friendships are unconditional i can really open up to those people.

Very important point. To my mind all relationships should have that unconditional acceptance as their bedrock - I have to express my emotion to be fully alive in the moment and to be free to connect at the deepest level, which is what trips my trigger.

Wherever you suppress (displace, project or whatever) you are effectively blocking the connection.

I don't understand those conditional adversarial relationships, my priority is always to restore and maximise the connection.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

But then maybe foolishly I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them.

The strangest thing is I have always found it hard to share feeling in a relationship. In friendships its dead easy

Why do you think there's a difference?

To me relationships are conditional (I am speaking from my own experience here in relationships that i have been in).

Certaim friendships are unconditional i can really open up to those people.

Wherever you suppress (displace, project or whatever) you are effectively blocking the connection.

I don't understand those conditional adversarial relationships, my priority is always to restore and maximise the connection."

YES!! What she said

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Feelings I try to not have them and when I do I get really scared and hate that feeling of feeling vulnerable therefore I tend to try and act the opposite. I put all my barriers up and act irrationally as if it's like a defense mechanism to make the person not like me , strange I know.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Feelings I try to not have them and when I do I get really scared and hate that feeling of feeling vulnerable therefore I tend to try and act the opposite. I put all my barriers up and act irrationally as if it's like a defense mechanism to make the person not like me , strange I know. "

Do you know what though? It's really not that strange or uncommon! I think we often push someone away rather than give them the chance to walk away or reject us as at least then we were in control of the outcome. It's tiring though. And the outcome inevitable. I'm all for being possibly wrong but possibly not wrong these days then certain of a negative outcome. It's all a leap of faith. But who knows, what if it, you know....works? Ooooooooffft what joy!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

But then maybe foolishly I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them.

The strangest thing is I have always found it hard to share feeling in a relationship. In friendships its dead easy

Why do you think there's a difference?

To me relationships are conditional (I am speaking from my own experience here in relationships that i have been in).

Certaim friendships are unconditional i can really open up to those people.

Wherever you suppress (displace, project or whatever) you are effectively blocking the connection.

I don't understand those conditional adversarial relationships, my priority is always to restore and maximise the connection."

You are right it should be unconditional and i suppose with the right people in your life it would be. It then becomes a case of meeting those right people

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yes that's totally true. Id rather the control be on my side, therefore I can reason why as opposed to left wandering what I did wrong, hate that x

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Yes that's totally true. Id rather the control be on my side, therefore I can reason why as opposed to left wandering what I did wrong, hate that x"

Does it mean though, that you're not getting the intimacy of a deeper connection as a result?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yes that's totally true. Id rather the control be on my side, therefore I can reason why as opposed to left wandering what I did wrong, hate that x

Does it mean though, that you're not getting the intimacy of a deeper connection as a result?"

Yes most probably, but it's a catch 22 do I risk getting hurt or being hurt. I tend not to try and put myself in a situation where as I'm vulnerable these days ie vanilla dates etc, too complicated x

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Yes that's totally true. Id rather the control be on my side, therefore I can reason why as opposed to left wandering what I did wrong, hate that x

Does it mean though, that you're not getting the intimacy of a deeper connection as a result?

Yes most probably, but it's a catch 22 do I risk getting hurt or being hurt. I tend not to try and put myself in a situation where as I'm vulnerable these days ie vanilla dates etc, too complicated x"

But is the hurt worse over time than the not getting a deep and meaningful connection with someone? (I don't know the answer by the way) I mean, being vulnerable doesn't always have to end in hurt?

Interesting, why would vanilla dates be more likely to make you vulnerable? (again, no need to disclose if you'd rather not)

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yes that's totally true. Id rather the control be on my side, therefore I can reason why as opposed to left wandering what I did wrong, hate that x"

If you dont mind me asking and maybe a bit of topic but does everything always have to have a reason ?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Yes that's totally true. Id rather the control be on my side, therefore I can reason why as opposed to left wandering what I did wrong, hate that x

If you dont mind me asking and maybe a bit of topic but does everything always have to have a reason ?"

Is that to Vodka or me?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yes that's totally true. Id rather the control be on my side, therefore I can reason why as opposed to left wandering what I did wrong, hate that x

If you dont mind me asking and maybe a bit of topic but does everything always have to have a reason ?

Is that to Vodka or me?"

Sorry it was to Vodka but would be interested in knowing what you think too ?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yes that's totally true. Id rather the control be on my side, therefore I can reason why as opposed to left wandering what I did wrong, hate that x

If you dont mind me asking and maybe a bit of topic but does everything always have to have a reason ?"

A reason for? I just have been really hurt previously and let down so therefore don't find it easy to trust or express feelings and don't like that non reciprocal feeling if it does happen one sided x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yes that's totally true. Id rather the control be on my side, therefore I can reason why as opposed to left wandering what I did wrong, hate that x

If you dont mind me asking and maybe a bit of topic but does everything always have to have a reason ?

Does being in control stop you from being hurt or let down.

Sometime if someone lets you down or hurts you it may have nothing to do with you have done. It maybe what they are feeling and you've just ended up being in the crossfire ??

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yes that's totally true. Id rather the control be on my side, therefore I can reason why as opposed to left wandering what I did wrong, hate that x

If you dont mind me asking and maybe a bit of topic but does everything always have to have a reason ?

Does being in control stop you from being hurt or let down.

Sometime if someone lets you down or hurts you it may have nothing to do with you have done. It maybe what they are feeling and you've just ended up being in the crossfire ??"

Yes I get this and that's partly why I put my barriers up at the first sign of a 'complication' as such. It's just a defense mechanism I've learnt through taught behaviour in my past x

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Thanks for feeling me up, folks.

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