FabSwingers.com > Forums > Scotland > Most embarrassing swinging moment…
Most embarrassing swinging moment…
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Jings man, we are going back a good few years now. Had a couple of socials with a fem and got on well, she invited me round during the week and we started having a fumble. After she spent a while giving me amazing oral she asked to be bent over, so, condom on, I gets into position and looks down to poke the wee man in and……..she’s got wet hair all up her bumcrack. Black wirey wet hairs, some even had wee white tips, then the warm musk slapped my nostrils. Now I’m known for my weak stomach so I really struggled.
The wee man’s now a stack of buttons with a scuba suit on not looking to be lively anytime soon, I’m absolutely refusing to breath but also didn’t want to be mean to the lassie. Made up some story about feeling unwell and got out the flat instantly, I cannot remember my feet touching the floor on my way oot.
Few days go by and she texts hoping I’m feeling better, asks me to go back round. As I’m thinking of how to say no nicely, she texts again with :
“Oh and I have shaved…”   |
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By *lirty23Woman 37 weeks ago
Lanarkshire |
"Jings man, we are going back a good few years now. Had a couple of socials with a fem and got on well, she invited me round during the week and we started having a fumble. After she spent a while giving me amazing oral she asked to be bent over, so, condom on, I gets into position and looks down to poke the wee man in and……..she’s got wet hair all up her bumcrack. Black wirey wet hairs, some even had wee white tips, then the warm musk slapped my nostrils. Now I’m known for my weak stomach so I really struggled.
The wee man’s now a stack of buttons with a scuba suit on not looking to be lively anytime soon, I’m absolutely refusing to breath but also didn’t want to be mean to the lassie. Made up some story about feeling unwell and got out the flat instantly, I cannot remember my feet touching the floor on my way oot.
Few days go by and she texts hoping I’m feeling better, asks me to go back round. As I’m thinking of how to say no nicely, she texts again with :
“Oh and I have shaved…” "
The hair and the smell? Wasn’t she shower fresh? Didn’t you give her oral before you were ready you pound? So many questions lol |
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"The hair and the smell? Wasn’t she shower fresh? Didn’t you give her oral before you were ready you pound? So many questions lol"
I’m glad you asked cause I’m now invested and need these answered, haha! |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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"Jings man, we are going back a good few years now. Had a couple of socials with a fem and got on well, she invited me round during the week and we started having a fumble. After she spent a while giving me amazing oral she asked to be bent over, so, condom on, I gets into position and looks down to poke the wee man in and……..she’s got wet hair all up her bumcrack. Black wirey wet hairs, some even had wee white tips, then the warm musk slapped my nostrils. Now I’m known for my weak stomach so I really struggled.
The wee man’s now a stack of buttons with a scuba suit on not looking to be lively anytime soon, I’m absolutely refusing to breath but also didn’t want to be mean to the lassie. Made up some story about feeling unwell and got out the flat instantly, I cannot remember my feet touching the floor on my way oot.
Few days go by and she texts hoping I’m feeling better, asks me to go back round. As I’m thinking of how to say no nicely, she texts again with :
“Oh and I have shaved…” "
Dear God! You poor man. That’s just nasty |
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"Jings man, we are going back a good few years now. Had a couple of socials with a fem and got on well, she invited me round during the week and we started having a fumble. After she spent a while giving me amazing oral she asked to be bent over, so, condom on, I gets into position and looks down to poke the wee man in and……..she’s got wet hair all up her bumcrack. Black wirey wet hairs, some even had wee white tips, then the warm musk slapped my nostrils. Now I’m known for my weak stomach so I really struggled.
The wee man’s now a stack of buttons with a scuba suit on not looking to be lively anytime soon, I’m absolutely refusing to breath but also didn’t want to be mean to the lassie. Made up some story about feeling unwell and got out the flat instantly, I cannot remember my feet touching the floor on my way oot.
Few days go by and she texts hoping I’m feeling better, asks me to go back round. As I’m thinking of how to say no nicely, she texts again with :
“Oh and I have shaved…” "
And did you still say no? |
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"
And did you still say no? "
Ofcourse, that to me said she was aware of the badgers tail which makes it all worse.
Oral question:
Nope, she had told me before in our socials oral to her was off the table as she doesn’t like it. Which looking back was a blessing in disguise cause by the whiff I got, there would have been some sort of paste down there I am certain of it…. |
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By *lirty23Woman 37 weeks ago
Lanarkshire |
"
And did you still say no?
Ofcourse, that to me said she was aware of the badgers tail which makes it all worse.
Oral question:
Nope, she had told me before in our socials oral to her was off the table as she doesn’t like it. Which looking back was a blessing in disguise cause by the whiff I got, there would have been some sort of paste down there I am certain of it…."
Omg I was just sick in my mouth a little from that last sentence  |
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"Jings man, we are going back a good few years now. Had a couple of socials with a fem and got on well, she invited me round during the week and we started having a fumble. After she spent a while giving me amazing oral she asked to be bent over, so, condom on, I gets into position and looks down to poke the wee man in and……..she’s got wet hair all up her bumcrack. Black wirey wet hairs, some even had wee white tips, then the warm musk slapped my nostrils. Now I’m known for my weak stomach so I really struggled.
The wee man’s now a stack of buttons with a scuba suit on not looking to be lively anytime soon, I’m absolutely refusing to breath but also didn’t want to be mean to the lassie. Made up some story about feeling unwell and got out the flat instantly, I cannot remember my feet touching the floor on my way oot.
Few days go by and she texts hoping I’m feeling better, asks me to go back round. As I’m thinking of how to say no nicely, she texts again with :
“Oh and I have shaved…” "
I said WURRRP out loud so many times reading this hahahahahahahhaahahahah wurrrrp!!! |
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By *hyme2020Woman 37 weeks ago
Glasgow Scotland |
"
And did you still say no?
Ofcourse, that to me said she was aware of the badgers tail which makes it all worse.
Oral question:
Nope, she had told me before in our socials oral to her was off the table as she doesn’t like it. Which looking back was a blessing in disguise cause by the whiff I got, there would have been some sort of paste down there I am certain of it…."
I’m suddenly off my dinner…..boak |
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"Years ago at a club someone was watching me with a girl in a room and then I felt his cum hit my shoulder…
Absolute rabbit in headlights moment "
This the post that keeps on giving
Hahahahaha superb lolol |
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"Years ago at a club someone was watching me with a girl in a room and then I felt his cum hit my shoulder…
Absolute rabbit in headlights moment
This the post that keeps on giving
Hahahahaha superb lolol"
I can laugh about it now…
Kidding - I was laughing about it within half an hour 
I used to tell that story and finish with “didn’t even miss a stroke” but that part is a total lie  |
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"
And did you still say no?
Ofcourse, that to me said she was aware of the badgers tail which makes it all worse.
Oral question:
Nope, she had told me before in our socials oral to her was off the table as she doesn’t like it. Which looking back was a blessing in disguise cause by the whiff I got, there would have been some sort of paste down there I am certain of it…."
Wahahahaha.. in my best mel b bo selecta "smell your fingers pats ..crab paste!!"  |
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Years ago turned up at a hotel for a ffm , for the other female to sit under the hotel desk greetin ..because I asked her if she had washed her fanny to be told she baby wiped it..I refused to go near her as it smelt like broccoli gone bad .. I got up put my clothes on and went home ! |
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By *lirty23Woman 37 weeks ago
Lanarkshire |
"Years ago turned up at a hotel for a ffm , for the other female to sit under the hotel desk greetin ..because I asked her if she had washed her fanny to be told she baby wiped it..I refused to go near her as it smelt like broccoli gone bad .. I got up put my clothes on and went home ! "
Baby wiped it  What is wrong with people that they don’t understand basic hygiene and to get a wash before a shag ffs  |
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"Years ago turned up at a hotel for a ffm , for the other female to sit under the hotel desk greetin ..because I asked her if she had washed her fanny to be told she baby wiped it..I refused to go near her as it smelt like broccoli gone bad .. I got up put my clothes on and went home !
Baby wiped it What is wrong with people that they don’t understand basic hygiene and to get a wash before a shag ffs "
Even worse she was the one that booked the hotel room that had a fully functioning shower |
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Few years ago met a couple round to thier house,, soon as I seen the front garden I knew ohoh, got greeted at front door by the male inside the hall he said "sshh the grandkids are upstairs wait till we get in sitting room".
In the sitting was a sofa bed, porn on & just a mess. They started playing so I joined in wanked, came quick & left very quickly |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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Worst for me was the time I was messaging back and for for about a week with a lovely lady. At the time I was about 23-24 and she was 38.
So we arranged to met her hers and she kept saying how nervous she was and how she hadn't met anyone since she broke up with her long term partner etc.
Get to the house and she's in a towel, around 10st heavier than her recent photos that she'd sent me the week before and around 15 years older.
I felt bad but I had to make my excuses and go. A week later I find out her ex was actually the one who set up the meet and he was waiting in the bedroom to watch.. I'm all up for cuckolding but please be honest
 |
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I have a few horror stories, here’s one from my couples shelf:
Couple meet I had a good while ago, she sat infront of me on the floor topless and honestly she was gorgeous. Bf was urging her to touch me and suck me, she was quite shy, which I mistook at first for being innocent and cute but as he left the room to go get more drinks I could tell she was off.
Asked her quietly if she was ok and if she wanted me to leave, she said I seemed nice but the guy pushed her into it. Made my excuses and left. That hasn’t been the last experience of having a couple with the guy being the main force behind the involvement into the scene.
The girl and I are actually good pals now.
One of a few that I had in a short period of time that really put me off couples. |
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"Worst for me was the time I was messaging back and for for about a week with a lovely lady. At the time I was about 23-24 and she was 38.
So we arranged to met her hers and she kept saying how nervous she was and how she hadn't met anyone since she broke up with her long term partner etc.
Get to the house and she's in a towel, around 10st heavier than her recent photos that she'd sent me the week before and around 15 years older.
I felt bad but I had to make my excuses and go. A week later I find out her ex was actually the one who set up the meet and he was waiting in the bedroom to watch.. I'm all up for cuckolding but please be honest
"
Cmon you, admit it…you rode those waves didn’t you….driving all the way there…. |
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"Few years ago met a couple round to thier house,, soon as I seen the front garden I knew ohoh, got greeted at front door by the male inside the hall he said "sshh the grandkids are upstairs wait till we get in sitting room".
In the sitting was a sofa bed, porn on & just a mess. They started playing so I joined in wanked, came quick & left very quickly "
Sorry but the fact you went in and wanked knowing the grandkids were just upstairs is kinda disturbing never mind the state of the house ! |
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The first ever meet I arranged when I joined , wasn't sure what to expect, nerves kicked in .. , the guy showed up and was a totally different person to the numerous pics he sent also had a video chat with him, I called him on it and he said "aye that's my brother .. oh well I'm here now "! Safe to say he was told where to go |
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My first meet. After some flirty messages we arranged to meet for a social and at the last minute she pulled out but suggested that I come round to hers the following night. I double checked her photos, looked at the flow of blood south of the equator, didn't engage the brain and agreed.
Mistake #1. Double check the dates on the pictures.
Mistake #2 Not meeting in a public place to allow the 'talk and walk' option.
Mistake #3. Not interpreting 'my house is being decorated as we speak' as 'my house is so fuckin' honking even the rats wear overalls'
Anyway. I agree to this little number, excited at seeing this gorgeous curvy lady waiting for me on the bed. I drive up to the area. I know it's fairly notorious but think I'll be ok. I do start to consider that I maybe mugged outside or even inside the house, tied up and/or bummed.
Anyway. Parked up (out of sight and in relatively safe) I walk up to the house. The door is ajar as planned. I push it open. I walk up the stairs and look around.
Mistake #4. I should've bolted then.
I reach the landing and move to the room. A mixture of excitement and fear. 'the bedroom next to the bathroom' I say to myself. I push open the door...
The pictures I have burned iny mind are of Kelly Brook (but in her late 50s (Fab late 50s so probably 60s)).
The door opens. I can only relate what I saw laying on the bed as a cross between the contraption that Percy wore in Blackadder (to bl@ckmail the bishop) and one of Sam Smith's contraptions. Added to the fact that in the 3 years since the photos were taken this person had probably eaten Sam Smith.
I was horrified.
Mistake #5. I lay on the bed to chat.
Mistake #7. That's not all I did.
I don't know whether I should continue this tørture.
|
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"My first meet. After some flirty messages we arranged to meet for a social and at the last minute she pulled out but suggested that I come round to hers the following night. I double checked her photos, looked at the flow of blood south of the equator, didn't engage the brain and agreed.
Mistake #1. Double check the dates on the pictures.
Mistake #2 Not meeting in a public place to allow the 'talk and walk' option.
Mistake #3. Not interpreting 'my house is being decorated as we speak' as 'my house is so fuckin' honking even the rats wear overalls'
Anyway. I agree to this little number, excited at seeing this gorgeous curvy lady waiting for me on the bed. I drive up to the area. I know it's fairly notorious but think I'll be ok. I do start to consider that I maybe mugged outside or even inside the house, tied up and/or bummed.
Anyway. Parked up (out of sight and in relatively safe) I walk up to the house. The door is ajar as planned. I push it open. I walk up the stairs and look around.
Mistake #4. I should've bolted then.
I reach the landing and move to the room. A mixture of excitement and fear. 'the bedroom next to the bathroom' I say to myself. I push open the door...
The pictures I have burned iny mind are of Kelly Brook (but in her late 50s (Fab late 50s so probably 60s)).
The door opens. I can only relate what I saw laying on the bed as a cross between the contraption that Percy wore in Blackadder (to bl@ckmail the bishop) and one of Sam Smith's contraptions. Added to the fact that in the 3 years since the photos were taken this person had probably eaten Sam Smith.
I was horrified.
Mistake #5. I lay on the bed to chat.
Mistake #7. That's not all I did.
I don't know whether I should continue this tørture.
"
Mostly I want to know what Mistake #6 was... |
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"My first meet. After some flirty messages we arranged to meet for a social and at the last minute she pulled out but suggested that I come round to hers the following night. I double checked her photos, looked at the flow of blood south of the equator, didn't engage the brain and agreed.
Mistake #1. Double check the dates on the pictures.
Mistake #2 Not meeting in a public place to allow the 'talk and walk' option.
Mistake #3. Not interpreting 'my house is being decorated as we speak' as 'my house is so fuckin' honking even the rats wear overalls'
Anyway. I agree to this little number, excited at seeing this gorgeous curvy lady waiting for me on the bed. I drive up to the area. I know it's fairly notorious but think I'll be ok. I do start to consider that I maybe mugged outside or even inside the house, tied up and/or bummed.
Anyway. Parked up (out of sight and in relatively safe) I walk up to the house. The door is ajar as planned. I push it open. I walk up the stairs and look around.
Mistake #4. I should've bolted then.
I reach the landing and move to the room. A mixture of excitement and fear. 'the bedroom next to the bathroom' I say to myself. I push open the door...
The pictures I have burned iny mind are of Kelly Brook (but in her late 50s (Fab late 50s so probably 60s)).
The door opens. I can only relate what I saw laying on the bed as a cross between the contraption that Percy wore in Blackadder (to bl@ckmail the bishop) and one of Sam Smith's contraptions. Added to the fact that in the 3 years since the photos were taken this person had probably eaten Sam Smith.
I was horrified.
Mistake #5. I lay on the bed to chat.
Mistake #7. That's not all I did.
I don't know whether I should continue this tørture.
Mostly I want to know what Mistake #6 was... "
Sandwiched firmly between #5 and 7. Too horrific to mention. |
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By *avie65Man 37 weeks ago
In the west. |
"My first meet. After some flirty messages we arranged to meet for a social and at the last minute she pulled out but suggested that I come round to hers the following night. I double checked her photos, looked at the flow of blood south of the equator, didn't engage the brain and agreed.
Mistake #1. Double check the dates on the pictures.
Mistake #2 Not meeting in a public place to allow the 'talk and walk' option.
Mistake #3. Not interpreting 'my house is being decorated as we speak' as 'my house is so fuckin' honking even the rats wear overalls'
Anyway. I agree to this little number, excited at seeing this gorgeous curvy lady waiting for me on the bed. I drive up to the area. I know it's fairly notorious but think I'll be ok. I do start to consider that I maybe mugged outside or even inside the house, tied up and/or bummed.
Anyway. Parked up (out of sight and in relatively safe) I walk up to the house. The door is ajar as planned. I push it open. I walk up the stairs and look around.
Mistake #4. I should've bolted then.
I reach the landing and move to the room. A mixture of excitement and fear. 'the bedroom next to the bathroom' I say to myself. I push open the door...
The pictures I have burned iny mind are of Kelly Brook (but in her late 50s (Fab late 50s so probably 60s)).
The door opens. I can only relate what I saw laying on the bed as a cross between the contraption that Percy wore in Blackadder (to bl@ckmail the bishop) and one of Sam Smith's contraptions. Added to the fact that in the 3 years since the photos were taken this person had probably eaten Sam Smith.
I was horrified.
Mistake #5. I lay on the bed to chat.
Mistake #7. That's not all I did.
I don't know whether I should continue this tørture.
Mostly I want to know what Mistake #6 was...
Sandwiched firmly between #5 and 7. Too horrific to mention."
Please don't tell us the chat wasn't the only tongue action that took place! |
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By *hyme2020Woman 37 weeks ago
Glasgow Scotland |
"My first meet. After some flirty messages we arranged to meet for a social and at the last minute she pulled out but suggested that I come round to hers the following night. I double checked her photos, looked at the flow of blood south of the equator, didn't engage the brain and agreed.
Mistake #1. Double check the dates on the pictures.
Mistake #2 Not meeting in a public place to allow the 'talk and walk' option.
Mistake #3. Not interpreting 'my house is being decorated as we speak' as 'my house is so fuckin' honking even the rats wear overalls'
Anyway. I agree to this little number, excited at seeing this gorgeous curvy lady waiting for me on the bed. I drive up to the area. I know it's fairly notorious but think I'll be ok. I do start to consider that I maybe mugged outside or even inside the house, tied up and/or bummed.
Anyway. Parked up (out of sight and in relatively safe) I walk up to the house. The door is ajar as planned. I push it open. I walk up the stairs and look around.
Mistake #4. I should've bolted then.
I reach the landing and move to the room. A mixture of excitement and fear. 'the bedroom next to the bathroom' I say to myself. I push open the door...
The pictures I have burned iny mind are of Kelly Brook (but in her late 50s (Fab late 50s so probably 60s)).
The door opens. I can only relate what I saw laying on the bed as a cross between the contraption that Percy wore in Blackadder (to bl@ckmail the bishop) and one of Sam Smith's contraptions. Added to the fact that in the 3 years since the photos were taken this person had probably eaten Sam Smith.
I was horrified.
Mistake #5. I lay on the bed to chat.
Mistake #7. That's not all I did.
I don't know whether I should continue this tørture.
Mostly I want to know what Mistake #6 was...
Sandwiched firmly between #5 and 7. Too horrific to mention."
Mistake 6 was the man she forgot to mention with no teeth and covered head to toe in hair wasn’t it!
Love the way you tell that! It made me giggle |
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"
Mistake 6 was the man she forgot to mention with no teeth and covered head to toe in hair wasn’t it!
Love the way you tell that! It made me giggle "
Mistake #6...as I pushed the door open and didn't retreat quicker than Pip Schofield at a Club 18-30 my mistake was that I cared. Yep I cared for the mental well being of the person who was laying on the bed in what she thought was her sexiest attire. I cared for her mental health in that split second. If I had bailed out leaving her there (digesting Sam Smith) and her new victim (damn I can't strike through that word) saw her and did a comical Charlie Chaplin quick turnaround (without tipping the hat) she would probably have suffered a breakdown. Her self esteem would have plummeted and it wouldn't have been nice. Hence choosing the lying on the bed stiff as a board (no not like that) like a virgin schoolboy next to the experienced girl wondering what to do, laughing nervously at her every shit joke whilst admiring the damp wallpaper peeling off, the cockroaches gasping for breath and the fleas making a last gasp bid for freedom from the bed, being hurried by woodlice and larger dung beetles in what can only be described as a Jurassic Park scene on a smaller scale.
So mistake #6 was caring too much. |
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By *hyme2020Woman 37 weeks ago
Glasgow Scotland |
"
Mistake 6 was the man she forgot to mention with no teeth and covered head to toe in hair wasn’t it!
Love the way you tell that! It made me giggle
Mistake #6...as I pushed the door open and didn't retreat quicker than Pip Schofield at a Club 18-30 my mistake was that I cared. Yep I cared for the mental well being of the person who was laying on the bed in what she thought was her sexiest attire. I cared for her mental health in that split second. If I had bailed out leaving her there (digesting Sam Smith) and her new victim (damn I can't strike through that word) saw her and did a comical Charlie Chaplin quick turnaround (without tipping the hat) she would probably have suffered a breakdown. Her self esteem would have plummeted and it wouldn't have been nice. Hence choosing the lying on the bed stiff as a board (no not like that) like a virgin schoolboy next to the experienced girl wondering what to do, laughing nervously at her every shit joke whilst admiring the damp wallpaper peeling off, the cockroaches gasping for breath and the fleas making a last gasp bid for freedom from the bed, being hurried by woodlice and larger dung beetles in what can only be described as a Jurassic Park scene on a smaller scale.
So mistake #6 was caring too much."
Awwwwww think I just fell in love with you  x |
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"
Mistake 6 was the man she forgot to mention with no teeth and covered head to toe in hair wasn’t it!
Love the way you tell that! It made me giggle
Mistake #6...as I pushed the door open and didn't retreat quicker than Pip Schofield at a Club 18-30 my mistake was that I cared. Yep I cared for the mental well being of the person who was laying on the bed in what she thought was her sexiest attire. I cared for her mental health in that split second. If I had bailed out leaving her there (digesting Sam Smith) and her new victim (damn I can't strike through that word) saw her and did a comical Charlie Chaplin quick turnaround (without tipping the hat) she would probably have suffered a breakdown. Her self esteem would have plummeted and it wouldn't have been nice. Hence choosing the lying on the bed stiff as a board (no not like that) like a virgin schoolboy next to the experienced girl wondering what to do, laughing nervously at her every shit joke whilst admiring the damp wallpaper peeling off, the cockroaches gasping for breath and the fleas making a last gasp bid for freedom from the bed, being hurried by woodlice and larger dung beetles in what can only be described as a Jurassic Park scene on a smaller scale.
So mistake #6 was caring too much.
Awwwwww think I just fell in love with you x"
That's really nice. But now due to that experience I have a problem caring.
You could be....
Mistake #8 |
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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I had a meet with two younger chaps at their place. Was great fun. Stayed the night and one left. Next morning myself and the remaining friend had fun that resulted in me needing a towel. He disappeared to the bathroom. Ten mins later bedroom door opens and I’m lay on my front in the buff and I say “hurry up the cum has already gone down my bum” and I hear a women shout “on my god!” I turn my head to see the guys patents at the door staring at me |
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I was chatting to a local female for a couple of weeks until we agreed to mutually swap pics....turned out to be my ex....still friends so all good but fuck i wish i knew what she was into before..... |
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"My first meet. After some flirty messages we arranged to meet for a social and at the last minute she pulled out but suggested that I come round to hers the following night. I double checked her photos, looked at the flow of blood south of the equator, didn't engage the brain and agreed.
Mistake #1. Double check the dates on the pictures.
Mistake #2 Not meeting in a public place to allow the 'talk and walk' option.
Mistake #3. Not interpreting 'my house is being decorated as we speak' as 'my house is so fuckin' honking even the rats wear overalls'
Anyway. I agree to this little number, excited at seeing this gorgeous curvy lady waiting for me on the bed. I drive up to the area. I know it's fairly notorious but think I'll be ok. I do start to consider that I maybe mugged outside or even inside the house, tied up and/or bummed.
Anyway. Parked up (out of sight and in relatively safe) I walk up to the house. The door is ajar as planned. I push it open. I walk up the stairs and look around.
Mistake #4. I should've bolted then.
I reach the landing and move to the room. A mixture of excitement and fear. 'the bedroom next to the bathroom' I say to myself. I push open the door...
The pictures I have burned iny mind are of Kelly Brook (but in her late 50s (Fab late 50s so probably 60s)).
The door opens. I can only relate what I saw laying on the bed as a cross between the contraption that Percy wore in Blackadder (to bl@ckmail the bishop) and one of Sam Smith's contraptions. Added to the fact that in the 3 years since the photos were taken this person had probably eaten Sam Smith.
I was horrified.
Mistake #5. I lay on the bed to chat.
Mistake #7. That's not all I did.
I don't know whether I should continue this tørture.
Mostly I want to know what Mistake #6 was...
Sandwiched firmly between #5 and 7. Too horrific to mention."
OMFG!! sorry - I'm buckelt reading aw o' that! |
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"My first meet. After some flirty messages we arranged to meet for a social and at the last minute she pulled out but suggested that I come round to hers the following night. I double checked her photos, looked at the flow of blood south of the equator, didn't engage the brain and agreed.
Mistake #1. Double check the dates on the pictures.
Mistake #2 Not meeting in a public place to allow the 'talk and walk' option.
Mistake #3. Not interpreting 'my house is being decorated as we speak' as 'my house is so fuckin' honking even the rats wear overalls'
Anyway. I agree to this little number, excited at seeing this gorgeous curvy lady waiting for me on the bed. I drive up to the area. I know it's fairly notorious but think I'll be ok. I do start to consider that I maybe mugged outside or even inside the house, tied up and/or bummed.
Anyway. Parked up (out of sight and in relatively safe) I walk up to the house. The door is ajar as planned. I push it open. I walk up the stairs and look around.
Mistake #4. I should've bolted then.
I reach the landing and move to the room. A mixture of excitement and fear. 'the bedroom next to the bathroom' I say to myself. I push open the door...
The pictures I have burned iny mind are of Kelly Brook (but in her late 50s (Fab late 50s so probably 60s)).
The door opens. I can only relate what I saw laying on the bed as a cross between the contraption that Percy wore in Blackadder (to bl@ckmail the bishop) and one of Sam Smith's contraptions. Added to the fact that in the 3 years since the photos were taken this person had probably eaten Sam Smith.
I was horrified.
Mistake #5. I lay on the bed to chat.
Mistake #7. That's not all I did.
I don't know whether I should continue this tørture.
Mostly I want to know what Mistake #6 was...
Sandwiched firmly between #5 and 7. Too horrific to mention.
OMFG!! sorry - I'm buckelt reading aw o' that! "
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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Could be worse…
Hotel meet years ago with a MF couple of this and for days beforehand we had been swapping messages and pics and getting horny 24/7…
Turn up at the hotel room, knock on the door, and it’s my married cousin and his “bit on the side” gf.
Nothing happened that night, but we have both tagged teamed her many times since |
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My most embarrassing moment was when my mate & i had an mfm with a lady friend.
During the midst of our double penetrating antics I took a breather & sat it out for a bit & watched my mate crack on having his way with her, he started giving her a big deep fisting. She suddenly squirted like nothing I’ve ever seen before, unfortunately the majority of it landed all over my tv screen!!!
I’ve since replaced that telly! |
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"Jings man, we are going back a good few years now. Had a couple of socials with a fem and got on well, she invited me round during the week and we started having a fumble. After she spent a while giving me amazing oral she asked to be bent over, so, condom on, I gets into position and looks down to poke the wee man in and……..she’s got wet hair all up her bumcrack. Black wirey wet hairs, some even had wee white tips, then the warm musk slapped my nostrils. Now I’m known for my weak stomach so I really struggled.
The wee man’s now a stack of buttons with a scuba suit on not looking to be lively anytime soon, I’m absolutely refusing to breath but also didn’t want to be mean to the lassie. Made up some story about feeling unwell and got out the flat instantly, I cannot remember my feet touching the floor on my way oot.
Few days go by and she texts hoping I’m feeling better, asks me to go back round. As I’m thinking of how to say no nicely, she texts again with :
“Oh and I have shaved…” "
Similar happened to me a few years back, was flirting with a nurse texting back and forth and I invited her over to my flat after her shift. As soon as she arrived she demolished a bottle of wine and a Chinese takeaway within 15 mins and was steaming. Next we’re in the bedroom having fun then she ask me to rim her. Was ready to tongue her asshole and was violently taken aback with a nasty fowl smell of poo. Nearly knocked me out and lost my mojo. Thankfully not long after she crashed out. Every time I think of it I get that smell, even when posting this!. |
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Invited a guy to mine, we got naked and kissing when suddenly he stood up saying he felt funny. He then started projectile vomiting everywhere. Vomit over my bed, carpet, clean washing, through hall, missed the toilet, vomited over the wall. Poor guy
Finally stopped vomiting long enough to leave. I gave him a bag to puke in the car. Left me with mammoth clean up task.
Never saw him again!! |
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"Went to CJ’s, fell asleep on a sofa
I do that quite regular at cjs cause after eating halve the buffet i need a nap haha 
Reminds me of the time I went to cjs after a social event. Ended up in the cinema room absolutely pissed and sitting on the big bed merrily chatting away to a guy. Didn't realise til the next day all the folk walking in and out were probably wanting to make better use of the bed.
I enjoyed my chat tho. I think "
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So so many but the first that comes to mind was at a large party where me and my partner were in a large room and she started playing with another girl. Everyone was just to watch but I couldn't find anywhere to sit so I sat in the sex swing. Just as the ladies were reaching the good bit I fell off the back of the bloody swing and cracked my head off the ground resulting in much laughter and destroying any sexy atmosphere. |
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"Invited a guy to mine, we got naked and kissing when suddenly he stood up saying he felt funny. He then started projectile vomiting everywhere. Vomit over my bed, carpet, clean washing, through hall, missed the toilet, vomited over the wall. Poor guy
Finally stopped vomiting long enough to leave. I gave him a bag to puke in the car. Left me with mammoth clean up task.
Never saw him again!! "
Wasnt going to admit to this but Ooh wow that poor guy was me years ago.. I can't drink more than a couple shandies or I'm toast. I attended a swinging party in West end and a game involved dares or forfets, I had a lot of forfets which involved shots eeek.. embarrassed myself trying to get frisky in the open kitchen with woman, puked all over the rented flat and slid down the corridor wall so everyone had to step over me, struggled to leave the toilet at one point, now some of you will be thinking, I remember a woman doing that at a party in the west end lol it was me eeek and my side kick friend who had to be dragged mid flow from an orgy to sort me out had to take me back to the next party to apologies lol i woke up the next morning to a tooth missing. Now at parties I just fall asleep its safer lol |
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