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By *oughtT OP Man
over a year ago
Downham Market |
I’ve never wroten a story before so ere goes.
I gets a message from someone on ere, that’s Shandy. She says would I like to cum round ers in the morning for a real good night.
Bit early innit I says but she replied “you are cummin round”.
Anyways I get there and she’s dress up an all, like a glockenspiel player. I asks is this a wind up and she says “it is.”
She said I’m all wet and sticky and I need lickin. I’ve been playing with my Manx cat for hours and now I want it in the other ole.
Well, I couldn’t believe how ready steady let me know she was, I thought she won’t even know I’ve fell in.
Hurry up she says before my fella comes home.
I wish my fella would come out I was thinkin.
I saw a coconut on the table, being used as a paperweight to hold her lottery ticket down. That’ll do I says. She lubed her behind with caramel ice cream that ad long since seen a freezer. As much as I groaned an she pushed I couldn’t get it in er. I thought it’s full of milk so I’ll microwave it and it’ll shrink.
I put it on for ten minutes and turned round just as she caught my kneck with a cupped hand. Before I could sneeze properly she as got me face pasted to er Manx.
I was struggling to breathe, that way you get near a sewage works, and before I know I lost track of the time. PING!!!! The door flies ajar, her fellas stood there in wellies with a duck under his arm, the microwave door is even more ajar and I’ve got half a coconut stuck in my second face. She says don’t be shy, which was an odd thing to say given er circumstances.
He’s raging red in the face and swings his and at me just as she puts her amens out and shouts Duck. I did and crawled between his legs and shot out the door. Then I ran out. Lucky escape I should say. Some of it’s made up.
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By *oughtT OP Man
over a year ago
Downham Market |
As I’m getting home I see a hedgehog that can’t get across the road. I remembered they ad one holding their outdoor toilet door open so I gingerly knocked The back door and see her usband was round at the front. But flat at the back.
Sorry bout earlier he says, come in an ave a drink.
As I go to sit on the couch I notice er in the corner chair with a big bright yellow strap on and a face like thunder.
Drink?
I’ll ave a whiskey. He pours a quadruple with a whiskey chaser in it. That’ll make your cheeks glow.
Not as much as this she says. You like the colour?
Hmmm.
It was blue but he painted it this colour she says as she throws me a jar of lube which lands in my lap after hitting the budgie cage.
Ding Ding round one she shouts.
As she moves towards me he’s got his todger roaming free and I’m trying to fit in the gap between the cushions. |
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