FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > ADVICE FOR MY FELLOW MAN - AN ESSAY
ADVICE FOR MY FELLOW MAN - AN ESSAY
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
If Covid gets under control then I suspect the swinging scene to explode. While this might be breaking some unwritten swinger code (don’t talk about Fight Club) I think it is about time some friendly advice and home truths were put out there for all those horny single guys WHO ARE WRITING TO COUPLES.
First some context and background:
I am the male half of this couple. Call me Mr B.
I got into swinging in late 90s in a previous relationship. I then swung as a single guy for two years before meeting Mrs B.
As a single guy, after a few false starts, I ended up with a 50:50 average of success when contacting couples. The reason for this was that I had the advantage of having experienced things “from the other side” so I knew what most were looking for and how to behave.
I only met two single girls through swinging, both were batshit crazy (not saying all are) so stuck to 1-on-1 dating or sex through normal channels.
So here is some advice you can choose to ignore or take on board:
1. Read the profile! Understand what the couple are looking for!
2. Remember you are writing to a couple so don’t talk just to the woman! Think about how you would feel having another man talking about your GF/wife!
3. Many (most?) couple profiles are actually managed by the male half. They are doing the admin, filtering out the guff, creating the “shortlist” before the female half even bothers to take a look. If you want to fuck the female (and let’s be honest that is why you are contacting them) you need to get past the male.
4. Read the bloody profile!
5. Be respectful with what you say and how you say it! Something like “want your bitch to gag on my big cock” is probably an instant delete for 99% of couples.
6. Be prepared to make some effort! We all want to feel a bit special. A little effort could get a big reward!
7. Read the fucking profile!!
8. Don’t assume it is on a plate or a sure thing. Be willing to travel for a meet/drink with no expectations of getting your leg over. Make it very clear you have no expectations. Sure if it doesn’t work out it is disappointing and frustrating but that’s the same with dating. There is nothing more of a turn off then pressure!
9. Remember they are the couple. They are taking a risk inviting you into their intimate relationship for a few hours. They have things to lose. You don’t! So put them at ease. Show them how respectful you are. Acknowledge that you are in reality their plaything to enhance their sex life and you want to help with that BUT be honest about how that also fulfils your fantasies and you will of course get off on it!
10. Understand the different dynamics in couples. What is a Stag/Vixen? What is a Hotwife? What is a Cuckold (and importantly how is that different to the other two). If they are a cuckold couple then remember to treat the male half with utter respect before and after sex scenarios.
11. Be honest about your situation. If you are attached some couples won’t like it but hey that’s life. But if you lie then they will wonder what else you lie about!
12. Have a decent profile, with nice pics, actually tell us something about yourself AND if you have verifications then display them so we can read them! Many (most?) couples WILL look at who you have met and will judge you by the company you keep. If your standards appear low then it does say something about you. Some couples will be put off but don’t hide them. It makes us suspicious!
13. And finally - For God’s sake read the bastard profile!!!
This advice is provided on the understanding that it gives no guarantees of success but it worked very well for me in my single days!
Happy swinging!!!
P.S. also note that while there are a range of definitions, generally swinging is not “casual sex” it is “kink sex” (with hundreds of kinks). There are other easier places to go for casual hook ups. Just saying
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"A 50:50 success rate after contacting couples is amazing.  "
Hmmm sounds a bit boastful but wasn’t the intent!
I should qualify that by saying I kept a tight focus and targeted couples I REALLY wanted to meet. I didn’t blanket post any and everyone. I just put the effort in to try and get some interest back from the people who most intrigued me. |
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Great advice....loved the ..read the profile and the male half as it is mainly me ( Mr4) who reads/deletes but mainly blocks the..never ever ending stream of ..fancy some fun type messages with a very handy picture of a ..  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"If Covid gets under control then I suspect the swinging scene to explode. While this might be breaking some unwritten swinger code (don’t talk about Fight Club) I think it is about time some friendly advice and home truths were put out there for all those horny single guys WHO ARE WRITING TO COUPLES.
First some context and background:
I am the male half of this couple. Call me Mr B.
I got into swinging in late 90s in a previous relationship. I then swung as a single guy for two years before meeting Mrs B.
As a single guy, after a few false starts, I ended up with a 50:50 average of success when contacting couples. The reason for this was that I had the advantage of having experienced things “from the other side” so I knew what most were looking for and how to behave.
I only met two single girls through swinging, both were batshit crazy (not saying all are) so stuck to 1-on-1 dating or sex through normal channels.
So here is some advice you can choose to ignore or take on board:
1. Read the profile! Understand what the couple are looking for!
2. Remember you are writing to a couple so don’t talk just to the woman! Think about how you would feel having another man talking about your GF/wife!
3. Many (most?) couple profiles are actually managed by the male half. They are doing the admin, filtering out the guff, creating the “shortlist” before the female half even bothers to take a look. If you want to fuck the female (and let’s be honest that is why you are contacting them) you need to get past the male.
4. Read the bloody profile!
5. Be respectful with what you say and how you say it! Something like “want your bitch to gag on my big cock” is probably an instant delete for 99% of couples.
6. Be prepared to make some effort! We all want to feel a bit special. A little effort could get a big reward!
7. Read the fucking profile!!
8. Don’t assume it is on a plate or a sure thing. Be willing to travel for a meet/drink with no expectations of getting your leg over. Make it very clear you have no expectations. Sure if it doesn’t work out it is disappointing and frustrating but that’s the same with dating. There is nothing more of a turn off then pressure!
9. Remember they are the couple. They are taking a risk inviting you into their intimate relationship for a few hours. They have things to lose. You don’t! So put them at ease. Show them how respectful you are. Acknowledge that you are in reality their plaything to enhance their sex life and you want to help with that BUT be honest about how that also fulfils your fantasies and you will of course get off on it!
10. Understand the different dynamics in couples. What is a Stag/Vixen? What is a Hotwife? What is a Cuckold (and importantly how is that different to the other two). If they are a cuckold couple then remember to treat the male half with utter respect before and after sex scenarios.
11. Be honest about your situation. If you are attached some couples won’t like it but hey that’s life. But if you lie then they will wonder what else you lie about!
12. Have a decent profile, with nice pics, actually tell us something about yourself AND if you have verifications then display them so we can read them! Many (most?) couples WILL look at who you have met and will judge you by the company you keep. If your standards appear low then it does say something about you. Some couples will be put off but don’t hide them. It makes us suspicious!
13. And finally - For God’s sake read the bastard profile!!!
This advice is provided on the understanding that it gives no guarantees of success but it worked very well for me in my single days!
Happy swinging!!!
P.S. also note that while there are a range of definitions, generally swinging is not “casual sex” it is “kink sex” (with hundreds of kinks). There are other easier places to go for casual hook ups. Just saying
"
Love this.  |
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"Number 12!!!All single guys DISPLAY THE VERIFICATIONS!!
It tells me what I want to know. Especially when most guys barely write 2 lines about themselves "
My wordy profile is the exception that proves the rule  |
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All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? Maybe some people would rather keep whatever details of their playmates displayed in verifications private for the sake of the other person or just for themselves? |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? Maybe some people would rather keep whatever details of their playmates displayed in verifications private for the sake of the other person or just for themselves? "
Oh I agree but this was aimed at guys not couples.
We apply same rules to couples and females too. Totally believe verifications should be displayed for all wherever possible (annoyingly they disappear when people leave Fab/delete their profile). |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"to be honest id rather people not take advice and just be themselves its a great filter .."
Get that but I’d prefer less emails of higher quality to reduce admin and improve the “hit rate”. Everyone to their own of course! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? Maybe some people would rather keep whatever details of their playmates displayed in verifications private for the sake of the other person or just for themselves? "
Why should us men have to do this and do that and have a perfect profile. When very few women and couples make any effort with theirs and put no effort in to messages they send. |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? Maybe some people would rather keep whatever details of their playmates displayed in verifications private for the sake of the other person or just for themselves?
Why should us men have to do this and do that and have a perfect profile. When very few women and couples make any effort with theirs and put no effort in to messages they send. "
You don’t HAVE to do anything. You can operate however you see fit. This is just a bit of advice but feel free to ignore. |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? Maybe some people would rather keep whatever details of their playmates displayed in verifications private for the sake of the other person or just for themselves?
Why should us men have to do this and do that and have a perfect profile. When very few women and couples make any effort with theirs and put no effort in to messages they send.
You don’t HAVE to do anything. You can operate however you see fit. This is just a bit of advice but feel free to ignore."
P.S. sorry to say but swinging (and Fab) really is a “buyers market” and couples and single females have the upper hand. May not seem fair but that’s the reality. So whatever you can do to improve your chances hey? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? Maybe some people would rather keep whatever details of their playmates displayed in verifications private for the sake of the other person or just for themselves?
Why should us men have to do this and do that and have a perfect profile. When very few women and couples make any effort with theirs and put no effort in to messages they send.
You don’t HAVE to do anything. You can operate however you see fit. This is just a bit of advice but feel free to ignore.
P.S. sorry to say but swinging (and Fab) really is a “buyers market” and couples and single females have the upper hand. May not seem fair but that’s the reality. So whatever you can do to improve your chances hey?"
I use to message people look at their profile and put thought into my messages but now I just use fab to talk to people I have met already and people I have met at the clubs.
Now since most genuine swingers have come of fab its not worth it anymore.
Forums and keeping in contact with people you know, is the best thing about fab |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? Maybe some people would rather keep whatever details of their playmates displayed in verifications private for the sake of the other person or just for themselves?
Why should us men have to do this and do that and have a perfect profile. When very few women and couples make any effort with theirs and put no effort in to messages they send.
You don’t HAVE to do anything. You can operate however you see fit. This is just a bit of advice but feel free to ignore.
P.S. sorry to say but swinging (and Fab) really is a “buyers market” and couples and single females have the upper hand. May not seem fair but that’s the reality. So whatever you can do to improve your chances hey?
I use to message people look at their profile and put thought into my messages but now I just use fab to talk to people I have met already and people I have met at the clubs.
Now since most genuine swingers have come of fab its not worth it anymore.
Forums and keeping in contact with people you know, is the best thing about fab "
There are plenty of genuine swingers still on Fab but most are not swinging right now due to Covid. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? Maybe some people would rather keep whatever details of their playmates displayed in verifications private for the sake of the other person or just for themselves?
Why should us men have to do this and do that and have a perfect profile. When very few women and couples make any effort with theirs and put no effort in to messages they send.
You don’t HAVE to do anything. You can operate however you see fit. This is just a bit of advice but feel free to ignore.
P.S. sorry to say but swinging (and Fab) really is a “buyers market” and couples and single females have the upper hand. May not seem fair but that’s the reality. So whatever you can do to improve your chances hey?
I use to message people look at their profile and put thought into my messages but now I just use fab to talk to people I have met already and people I have met at the clubs.
Now since most genuine swingers have come of fab its not worth it anymore.
Forums and keeping in contact with people you know, is the best thing about fab
There are plenty of genuine swingers still on Fab but most are not swinging right now due to Covid."
I'm just saying most have come off. Loads that I know have hidden their profiles.
All I see is new profiles and fake accounts that come on get deleted then they proberly make another account.
Fakes and guys that message women fancy some fun and all the dick pics women and couples get, ruin fab for the genuine people.
Alot of genuine have left fab and will leave fab too. |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? Maybe some people would rather keep whatever details of their playmates displayed in verifications private for the sake of the other person or just for themselves?
Why should us men have to do this and do that and have a perfect profile. When very few women and couples make any effort with theirs and put no effort in to messages they send.
You don’t HAVE to do anything. You can operate however you see fit. This is just a bit of advice but feel free to ignore.
P.S. sorry to say but swinging (and Fab) really is a “buyers market” and couples and single females have the upper hand. May not seem fair but that’s the reality. So whatever you can do to improve your chances hey?
I use to message people look at their profile and put thought into my messages but now I just use fab to talk to people I have met already and people I have met at the clubs.
Now since most genuine swingers have come of fab its not worth it anymore.
Forums and keeping in contact with people you know, is the best thing about fab
There are plenty of genuine swingers still on Fab but most are not swinging right now due to Covid.
I'm just saying most have come off. Loads that I know have hidden their profiles.
All I see is new profiles and fake accounts that come on get deleted then they proberly make another account.
Fakes and guys that message women fancy some fun and all the dick pics women and couples get, ruin fab for the genuine people.
Alot of genuine have left fab and will leave fab too. "
Which is PRECISELY why people should do all they can to stand out, including displaying veris  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? Maybe some people would rather keep whatever details of their playmates displayed in verifications private for the sake of the other person or just for themselves?
Why should us men have to do this and do that and have a perfect profile. When very few women and couples make any effort with theirs and put no effort in to messages they send.
You don’t HAVE to do anything. You can operate however you see fit. This is just a bit of advice but feel free to ignore.
P.S. sorry to say but swinging (and Fab) really is a “buyers market” and couples and single females have the upper hand. May not seem fair but that’s the reality. So whatever you can do to improve your chances hey?
I use to message people look at their profile and put thought into my messages but now I just use fab to talk to people I have met already and people I have met at the clubs.
Now since most genuine swingers have come of fab its not worth it anymore.
Forums and keeping in contact with people you know, is the best thing about fab
There are plenty of genuine swingers still on Fab but most are not swinging right now due to Covid.
I'm just saying most have come off. Loads that I know have hidden their profiles.
All I see is new profiles and fake accounts that come on get deleted then they proberly make another account.
Fakes and guys that message women fancy some fun and all the dick pics women and couples get, ruin fab for the genuine people.
Alot of genuine have left fab and will leave fab too.
Which is PRECISELY why people should do all they can to stand out, including displaying veris "
Still won't guarantee a meet.
As a single guy we have to message 100s of couples and women, just to get a conversation never mind a meet. Especially now is it worth it? |
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"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? Maybe some people would rather keep whatever details of their playmates displayed in verifications private for the sake of the other person or just for themselves?
Why should us men have to do this and do that and have a perfect profile. When very few women and couples make any effort with theirs and put no effort in to messages they send.
You don’t HAVE to do anything. You can operate however you see fit. This is just a bit of advice but feel free to ignore.
P.S. sorry to say but swinging (and Fab) really is a “buyers market” and couples and single females have the upper hand. May not seem fair but that’s the reality. So whatever you can do to improve your chances hey?
I use to message people look at their profile and put thought into my messages but now I just use fab to talk to people I have met already and people I have met at the clubs.
Now since most genuine swingers have come of fab its not worth it anymore.
Forums and keeping in contact with people you know, is the best thing about fab
There are plenty of genuine swingers still on Fab but most are not swinging right now due to Covid.
I'm just saying most have come off. Loads that I know have hidden their profiles.
All I see is new profiles and fake accounts that come on get deleted then they proberly make another account.
Fakes and guys that message women fancy some fun and all the dick pics women and couples get, ruin fab for the genuine people.
Alot of genuine have left fab and will leave fab too.
Which is PRECISELY why people should do all they can to stand out, including displaying veris
Still won't guarantee a meet.
As a single guy we have to message 100s of couples and women, just to get a conversation never mind a meet. Especially now is it worth it? "
If you were to read the profile you could possibly cut the 100s of messages to 10s and get more responses  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? Maybe some people would rather keep whatever details of their playmates displayed in verifications private for the sake of the other person or just for themselves?
Why should us men have to do this and do that and have a perfect profile. When very few women and couples make any effort with theirs and put no effort in to messages they send.
You don’t HAVE to do anything. You can operate however you see fit. This is just a bit of advice but feel free to ignore.
P.S. sorry to say but swinging (and Fab) really is a “buyers market” and couples and single females have the upper hand. May not seem fair but that’s the reality. So whatever you can do to improve your chances hey?
I use to message people look at their profile and put thought into my messages but now I just use fab to talk to people I have met already and people I have met at the clubs.
Now since most genuine swingers have come of fab its not worth it anymore.
Forums and keeping in contact with people you know, is the best thing about fab
There are plenty of genuine swingers still on Fab but most are not swinging right now due to Covid.
I'm just saying most have come off. Loads that I know have hidden their profiles.
All I see is new profiles and fake accounts that come on get deleted then they proberly make another account.
Fakes and guys that message women fancy some fun and all the dick pics women and couples get, ruin fab for the genuine people.
Alot of genuine have left fab and will leave fab too.
Which is PRECISELY why people should do all they can to stand out, including displaying veris
Still won't guarantee a meet.
As a single guy we have to message 100s of couples and women, just to get a conversation never mind a meet. Especially now is it worth it?
If you were to read the profile you could possibly cut the 100s of messages to 10s and get more responses "
I actually did read every profile when I messaged people and sent a nice thoughtfully message.
I have messaged loads of women and couples, messages never even go read. Seen the same women and couples at the clubs, got chatting, had a good chat and a laugh together then had a bit of a play.
Just shows that genuine mesaages get lost in between the idiots messaging and dick pics. |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? Maybe some people would rather keep whatever details of their playmates displayed in verifications private for the sake of the other person or just for themselves?
Why should us men have to do this and do that and have a perfect profile. When very few women and couples make any effort with theirs and put no effort in to messages they send.
You don’t HAVE to do anything. You can operate however you see fit. This is just a bit of advice but feel free to ignore.
P.S. sorry to say but swinging (and Fab) really is a “buyers market” and couples and single females have the upper hand. May not seem fair but that’s the reality. So whatever you can do to improve your chances hey?
I use to message people look at their profile and put thought into my messages but now I just use fab to talk to people I have met already and people I have met at the clubs.
Now since most genuine swingers have come of fab its not worth it anymore.
Forums and keeping in contact with people you know, is the best thing about fab
There are plenty of genuine swingers still on Fab but most are not swinging right now due to Covid.
I'm just saying most have come off. Loads that I know have hidden their profiles.
All I see is new profiles and fake accounts that come on get deleted then they proberly make another account.
Fakes and guys that message women fancy some fun and all the dick pics women and couples get, ruin fab for the genuine people.
Alot of genuine have left fab and will leave fab too.
Which is PRECISELY why people should do all they can to stand out, including displaying veris
Still won't guarantee a meet.
As a single guy we have to message 100s of couples and women, just to get a conversation never mind a meet. Especially now is it worth it?
If you were to read the profile you could possibly cut the 100s of messages to 10s and get more responses
I actually did read every profile when I messaged people and sent a nice thoughtfully message.
I have messaged loads of women and couples, messages never even go read. Seen the same women and couples at the clubs, got chatting, had a good chat and a laugh together then had a bit of a play.
Just shows that genuine mesaages get lost in between the idiots messaging and dick pics. "
You’ve answered your own point. Couples get far more messages than single guys. Single females get far more than couples (it must be overwhelming). So ANYTHING you can do to stand out amongst the noise right?
It really isn’t easy to “score” as a single guy and it IS made even harder by both the sheer number of guys AND the volume of those who are complete dick heads.
But the spirit of this “essay” was to provide some advice. Might work for some, won’t work for all. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Yep its a good post.
I am a genuine guy always read peoples profiles and sent nice thoughtfully messages, have veris on show.
We should all just hit the clubs in June or July when they hopefully open back up |
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By *ENGUYMan
over a year ago
Hull |
"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? Maybe some people would rather keep whatever details of their playmates displayed in verifications private for the sake of the other person or just for themselves?
Why should us men have to do this and do that and have a perfect profile. When very few women and couples make any effort with theirs and put no effort in to messages they send. "
Because, as already said, the females and couples on here already have the Upper Hand when it comes to deciding who to choose.
In simple terms, Single Males are in the majority but as there are so many all with the same aim, these males have to effectively "sell" themselves in order to succeed.
This has been my response on numerous occasions when single guys put up messages on the Forums about lack of success, but the simple yet hard truth, is they have to work damn hard at gaining that first meet and hopefully a Verification after.
That hard work includes doing the homework, reading between the lines as well as the obvious signals within profiles and reacting sensibly and accordingly.
Yet, a lot of guys don't do so, they just log-online and think it'll be a walk in the park and Instant Success.
The same occurs at clubs, when on occasions, I and other older gents have had to rein in the younger elements and tell them to watch & learn the correct ways!
So, until the younger, more impetuous and impatient members of our society get the message that life isn't handed to them on a plate, the ways that many Ladies and Couples adopt, are here to stay, and hence, why the opening post was made.
It makes very good sense. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? Maybe some people would rather keep whatever details of their playmates displayed in verifications private for the sake of the other person or just for themselves?
Why should us men have to do this and do that and have a perfect profile. When very few women and couples make any effort with theirs and put no effort in to messages they send.
Because, as already said, the females and couples on here already have the Upper Hand when it comes to deciding who to choose.
In simple terms, Single Males are in the majority but as there are so many all with the same aim, these males have to effectively "sell" themselves in order to succeed.
This has been my response on numerous occasions when single guys put up messages on the Forums about lack of success, but the simple yet hard truth, is they have to work damn hard at gaining that first meet and hopefully a Verification after.
That hard work includes doing the homework, reading between the lines as well as the obvious signals within profiles and reacting sensibly and accordingly.
Yet, a lot of guys don't do so, they just log-online and think it'll be a walk in the park and Instant Success.
The same occurs at clubs, when on occasions, I and other older gents have had to rein in the younger elements and tell them to watch & learn the correct ways!
So, until the younger, more impetuous and impatient members of our society get the message that life isn't handed to them on a plate, the ways that many Ladies and Couples adopt, are here to stay, and hence, why the opening post was made.
It makes very good sense. "
Nothing to do with age. And at clubs most the bother I have seen are older men, being pushy.
99.9% of people at clubs I have been to have been great people. 20 -65 yr olds. |
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By *ENGUYMan
over a year ago
Hull |
"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? Maybe some people would rather keep whatever details of their playmates displayed in verifications private for the sake of the other person or just for themselves?
Why should us men have to do this and do that and have a perfect profile. When very few women and couples make any effort with theirs and put no effort in to messages they send.
Because, as already said, the females and couples on here already have the Upper Hand when it comes to deciding who to choose.
In simple terms, Single Males are in the majority but as there are so many all with the same aim, these males have to effectively "sell" themselves in order to succeed.
This has been my response on numerous occasions when single guys put up messages on the Forums about lack of success, but the simple yet hard truth, is they have to work damn hard at gaining that first meet and hopefully a Verification after.
That hard work includes doing the homework, reading between the lines as well as the obvious signals within profiles and reacting sensibly and accordingly.
Yet, a lot of guys don't do so, they just log-online and think it'll be a walk in the park and Instant Success.
The same occurs at clubs, when on occasions, I and other older gents have had to rein in the younger elements and tell them to watch & learn the correct ways!
So, until the younger, more impetuous and impatient members of our society get the message that life isn't handed to them on a plate, the ways that many Ladies and Couples adopt, are here to stay, and hence, why the opening post was made.
It makes very good sense.
Nothing to do with age. And at clubs most the bother I have seen are older men, being pushy.
99.9% of people at clubs I have been to have been great people. 20 -65 yr olds. "
Obviously, we move in different ways and yes, whilst there are impatient elements within each every age demographic my experience has seen the younger age groups being the more pushy. I have found that the Couples I meet favour older gents as they're the least Pushy. But it comes down to choice by all sides. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? Maybe some people would rather keep whatever details of their playmates displayed in verifications private for the sake of the other person or just for themselves?
Why should us men have to do this and do that and have a perfect profile. When very few women and couples make any effort with theirs and put no effort in to messages they send.
Because, as already said, the females and couples on here already have the Upper Hand when it comes to deciding who to choose.
In simple terms, Single Males are in the majority but as there are so many all with the same aim, these males have to effectively "sell" themselves in order to succeed.
This has been my response on numerous occasions when single guys put up messages on the Forums about lack of success, but the simple yet hard truth, is they have to work damn hard at gaining that first meet and hopefully a Verification after.
That hard work includes doing the homework, reading between the lines as well as the obvious signals within profiles and reacting sensibly and accordingly.
Yet, a lot of guys don't do so, they just log-online and think it'll be a walk in the park and Instant Success.
The same occurs at clubs, when on occasions, I and other older gents have had to rein in the younger elements and tell them to watch & learn the correct ways!
So, until the younger, more impetuous and impatient members of our society get the message that life isn't handed to them on a plate, the ways that many Ladies and Couples adopt, are here to stay, and hence, why the opening post was made.
It makes very good sense.
Nothing to do with age. And at clubs most the bother I have seen are older men, being pushy.
99.9% of people at clubs I have been to have been great people. 20 -65 yr olds.
Obviously, we move in different ways and yes, whilst there are impatient elements within each every age demographic my experience has seen the younger age groups being the more pushy. I have found that the Couples I meet favour older gents as they're the least Pushy. But it comes down to choice by all sides."
Everyone's experience is different. Going to get pushy people no matter what age.
We are all here to have a great time, but the idiots ruin it for everyone unfortunately |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some great advice OP, although I'm unsure about the part concerning showing verifications. Is it good etiquette to show verifications if the person who verified someone hasn't got theirs on display? Or I may just be overthinking |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"Some great advice OP, although I'm unsure about the part concerning showing verifications. Is it good etiquette to show verifications if the person who verified someone hasn't got theirs on display? Or I may just be overthinking "
So to be crystal clear - I am in no way trying to force any kind of rules or etiquette on anyone. You can and should all roll however you want to. What I am doing is providing some advice based on being a swinger since the late 90s as both part of 2 couples and a single guy.
Absolutely nobody has to agree or take on board, but following what I laid out worked well for me.
Personally I would ALWAYS display my verifications regardless - otherwise what use are they? |
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"If Covid gets under control then I suspect the swinging scene to explode. While this might be breaking some unwritten swinger code (don’t talk about Fight Club) I think it is about time some friendly advice and home truths were put out there for all those horny single guys WHO ARE WRITING TO COUPLES.
First some context and background:
I am the male half of this couple. Call me Mr B.
I got into swinging in late 90s in a previous relationship. I then swung as a single guy for two years before meeting Mrs B.
As a single guy, after a few false starts, I ended up with a 50:50 average of success when contacting couples. The reason for this was that I had the advantage of having experienced things “from the other side” so I knew what most were looking for and how to behave.
I only met two single girls through swinging, both were batshit crazy (not saying all are) so stuck to 1-on-1 dating or sex through normal channels.
So here is some advice you can choose to ignore or take on board:
1. Read the profile! Understand what the couple are looking for!
2. Remember you are writing to a couple so don’t talk just to the woman! Think about how you would feel having another man talking about your GF/wife!
3. Many (most?) couple profiles are actually managed by the male half. They are doing the admin, filtering out the guff, creating the “shortlist” before the female half even bothers to take a look. If you want to fuck the female (and let’s be honest that is why you are contacting them) you need to get past the male.
4. Read the bloody profile!
5. Be respectful with what you say and how you say it! Something like “want your bitch to gag on my big cock” is probably an instant delete for 99% of couples.
6. Be prepared to make some effort! We all want to feel a bit special. A little effort could get a big reward!
7. Read the fucking profile!!
8. Don’t assume it is on a plate or a sure thing. Be willing to travel for a meet/drink with no expectations of getting your leg over. Make it very clear you have no expectations. Sure if it doesn’t work out it is disappointing and frustrating but that’s the same with dating. There is nothing more of a turn off then pressure!
9. Remember they are the couple. They are taking a risk inviting you into their intimate relationship for a few hours. They have things to lose. You don’t! So put them at ease. Show them how respectful you are. Acknowledge that you are in reality their plaything to enhance their sex life and you want to help with that BUT be honest about how that also fulfils your fantasies and you will of course get off on it!
10. Understand the different dynamics in couples. What is a Stag/Vixen? What is a Hotwife? What is a Cuckold (and importantly how is that different to the other two). If they are a cuckold couple then remember to treat the male half with utter respect before and after sex scenarios.
11. Be honest about your situation. If you are attached some couples won’t like it but hey that’s life. But if you lie then they will wonder what else you lie about!
12. Have a decent profile, with nice pics, actually tell us something about yourself AND if you have verifications then display them so we can read them! Many (most?) couples WILL look at who you have met and will judge you by the company you keep. If your standards appear low then it does say something about you. Some couples will be put off but don’t hide them. It makes us suspicious!
13. And finally - For God’s sake read the bastard profile!!!
This advice is provided on the understanding that it gives no guarantees of success but it worked very well for me in my single days!
Happy swinging!!!
P.S. also note that while there are a range of definitions, generally swinging is not “casual sex” it is “kink sex” (with hundreds of kinks). There are other easier places to go for casual hook ups. Just saying
"
Thanks for sharing your experience I will be following it to the letter from now on |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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the problem for most men is that the good guys get lost in the hundreds of idiots, so we tend to not read them, if we want to meet a man we will contact them |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some good points
I think we're in the minority where it's me (Mrs) that replies to most of the messages and is more active on here.
For me I don't like one word messages, something that tells me a bit about them is always good and humour goes a long way too.
I do think it's hard for single men though, and some couples can be difficult so I do feel for them! |
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People need to understand the concept of opinion.
Dont atart a post if you can't accept wn opinion on your said post.
So to suggest that the OP advice is not required and that everybody is different then that is classed as an outburst.
Some people just look for trouble.
|
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So many inbox messages agreeing that everyone has an opinion and my original point was valid.
Thank you for the support that it wasnt an attack as OP suggested.
Some nice understanding people about at least. |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"People need to understand the concept of opinion.
Dont atart a post if you can't accept wn opinion on your said post.
So to suggest that the OP advice is not required and that everybody is different then that is classed as an outburst.
Some people just look for trouble.
"
Again you totally miss the point and I am starting to think you are simply trolling, so I will say this one last time...
Your first five paragraphs were interesting and presented a different opinion based on different experience. I am sure folks on here would be interested to hear more.
You last paragraph was off topic, irrelevant and, far from being constructive, talked about what did not appeal to you. That is purely subjective and you did not explain why nor link that explanation into the OP and purpose of the thread. It came across as if you wanted to insult us personally.
So if you want to be truly constructive, then add some value to this thread by adding some useful in topic content!
|
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"People need to understand the concept of opinion.
Dont atart a post if you can't accept wn opinion on your said post.
So to suggest that the OP advice is not required and that everybody is different then that is classed as an outburst.
Some people just look for trouble.
Again you totally miss the point and I am starting to think you are simply trolling, so I will say this one last time...
Your first five paragraphs were interesting and presented a different opinion based on different experience. I am sure folks on here would be interested to hear more.
You last paragraph was off topic, irrelevant and, far from being constructive, talked about what did not appeal to you. That is purely subjective and you did not explain why nor link that explanation into the OP and purpose of the thread. It came across as if you wanted to insult us personally.
So if you want to be truly constructive, then add some value to this thread by adding some useful in topic content!
"
You very attacking and repetitive.
I clearly said it was not an attack on you but an opinion to what you were suggesting. This is supported with the positives i have recieved.
Have a good productive evening OP |
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And OP you have to understand as an adult that if you create a post giving your reasons for not entertaining guys for downfalls in thier profiles then you have to be prepared for a response to yourselves suggesting reasons why some guys in particular may find downfalls in your's too.
You can't dictate suggestions and expect to be appealing yourselves
|
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"And OP you have to understand as an adult that if you create a post giving your reasons for not entertaining guys for downfalls in thier profiles then you have to be prepared for a response to yourselves suggesting reasons why some guys in particular may find downfalls in your's too.
You can't dictate suggestions and expect to be appealing yourselves
"
You realise of course that “dictating a suggestion” is an oxymoron right?
Still not seeing you coming forward with any counter advice or alternative suggestions? |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
Actually I am going to take the contrary position… bear with me!
I think posts like this are counterproductive…..
I think they are condescending to say the least…
Basically you have given every chancer the blueprint on how to fool genuine people….
You made it harder for those people who “get it” to stand out from those who don’t….
You made it more difficult for those people look to differentiate between those who “get it” and those who don’t….
It may have been well intended.. and it believe it truly was! But if you need a primer on how to speak to people and to use basic common sense… then I am guessing swinging isn’t for them
There is a difference between people learning and people being spoon fed! …. Guides like this make a mockery of the learning process |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"Actually I am going to take the contrary position… bear with me!
I think posts like this are counterproductive…..
I think they are condescending to say the least…
Basically you have given every chancer the blueprint on how to fool genuine people….
You made it harder for those people who “get it” to stand out from those who don’t….
You made it more difficult for those people look to differentiate between those who “get it” and those who don’t….
It may have been well intended.. and it believe it truly was! But if you need a primer on how to speak to people and to use basic common sense… then I am guessing swinging isn’t for them
There is a difference between people learning and people being spoon fed! …. Guides like this make a mockery of the learning process "
Now THAT is a great contribution and a valid opinion. TBH I hadn’t considered that angle. It was well intentioned and born out of frustration at just how poor at this so many guys seem to be.
As others have observed though, probably unlikely anyway that “those guys” will read this anyway! |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"Actually I am going to take the contrary position… bear with me!
I think posts like this are counterproductive…..
I think they are condescending to say the least…
Basically you have given every chancer the blueprint on how to fool genuine people….
You made it harder for those people who “get it” to stand out from those who don’t….
You made it more difficult for those people look to differentiate between those who “get it” and those who don’t….
It may have been well intended.. and it believe it truly was! But if you need a primer on how to speak to people and to use basic common sense… then I am guessing swinging isn’t for them
There is a difference between people learning and people being spoon fed! …. Guides like this make a mockery of the learning process
Now THAT is a great contribution and a valid opinion. TBH I hadn’t considered that angle. It was well intentioned and born out of frustration at just how poor at this so many guys seem to be.
As others have observed though, probably unlikely anyway that “those guys” will read this anyway!"
P.S. I would argue it is not condescending though. If YOU read it that way then happy to apologise as certainly not the intent. |
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"Actually I am going to take the contrary position… bear with me!
I think posts like this are counterproductive…..
I think they are condescending to say the least…
Basically you have given every chancer the blueprint on how to fool genuine people….
You made it harder for those people who “get it” to stand out from those who don’t….
You made it more difficult for those people look to differentiate between those who “get it” and those who don’t….
It may have been well intended.. and it believe it truly was! But if you need a primer on how to speak to people and to use basic common sense… then I am guessing swinging isn’t for them
There is a difference between people learning and people being spoon fed! …. Guides like this make a mockery of the learning process
Now THAT is a great contribution and a valid opinion. TBH I hadn’t considered that angle. It was well intentioned and born out of frustration at just how poor at this so many guys seem to be.
As others have observed though, probably unlikely anyway that “those guys” will read this anyway!"
Again you clearly attacked me for giving my feedback on your profile.
You need to accept that you yourself on your OP was very patronising of guys profiles as a general by trying to suggest alternatives. Let people be themselves and allow them to approach people in a way they feel will make them happy. |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"Actually I am going to take the contrary position… bear with me!
I think posts like this are counterproductive…..
I think they are condescending to say the least…
Basically you have given every chancer the blueprint on how to fool genuine people….
You made it harder for those people who “get it” to stand out from those who don’t….
You made it more difficult for those people look to differentiate between those who “get it” and those who don’t….
It may have been well intended.. and it believe it truly was! But if you need a primer on how to speak to people and to use basic common sense… then I am guessing swinging isn’t for them
There is a difference between people learning and people being spoon fed! …. Guides like this make a mockery of the learning process
Now THAT is a great contribution and a valid opinion. TBH I hadn’t considered that angle. It was well intentioned and born out of frustration at just how poor at this so many guys seem to be.
As others have observed though, probably unlikely anyway that “those guys” will read this anyway!
Again you clearly attacked me for giving my feedback on your profile.
You need to accept that you yourself on your OP was very patronising of guys profiles as a general by trying to suggest alternatives. Let people be themselves and allow them to approach people in a way they feel will make them happy. "
Oh dear seriously! I would say the general consensus on this thread (and to use your own “tactic” the many direct messages I have received in support of my position) would say otherwise.
Also can you show where I “attacked you”? I think you will find ALL my responses have been measured and respectful. After all, to be otherwise is against forum rules! |
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"Actually I am going to take the contrary position… bear with me!
I think posts like this are counterproductive…..
I think they are condescending to say the least…
Basically you have given every chancer the blueprint on how to fool genuine people….
You made it harder for those people who “get it” to stand out from those who don’t….
You made it more difficult for those people look to differentiate between those who “get it” and those who don’t….
It may have been well intended.. and it believe it truly was! But if you need a primer on how to speak to people and to use basic common sense… then I am guessing swinging isn’t for them
There is a difference between people learning and people being spoon fed! …. Guides like this make a mockery of the learning process
Now THAT is a great contribution and a valid opinion. TBH I hadn’t considered that angle. It was well intentioned and born out of frustration at just how poor at this so many guys seem to be.
As others have observed though, probably unlikely anyway that “those guys” will read this anyway!
Again you clearly attacked me for giving my feedback on your profile.
You need to accept that you yourself on your OP was very patronising of guys profiles as a general by trying to suggest alternatives. Let people be themselves and allow them to approach people in a way they feel will make them happy.
Oh dear seriously! I would say the general consensus on this thread (and to use your own “tactic” the many direct messages I have received in support of my position) would say otherwise.
Also can you show where I “attacked you”? I think you will find ALL my responses have been measured and respectful. After all, to be otherwise is against forum rules! "
You attacked with the suggestion of attacking your own profile but i have said my opinion only.
P.s i read too within this thread that females and couples have the upper hand.
Absolutely disagree and many other would agree with that too somewhere. I have turned down couples and females for reasons of my own so i fulfilled my own desires and had full control of those situations perfectly.
|
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
"Actually I am going to take the contrary position… bear with me!
I think posts like this are counterproductive…..
I think they are condescending to say the least…
Basically you have given every chancer the blueprint on how to fool genuine people….
You made it harder for those people who “get it” to stand out from those who don’t….
You made it more difficult for those people look to differentiate between those who “get it” and those who don’t….
It may have been well intended.. and it believe it truly was! But if you need a primer on how to speak to people and to use basic common sense… then I am guessing swinging isn’t for them
There is a difference between people learning and people being spoon fed! …. Guides like this make a mockery of the learning process
Now THAT is a great contribution and a valid opinion. TBH I hadn’t considered that angle. It was well intentioned and born out of frustration at just how poor at this so many guys seem to be.
As others have observed though, probably unlikely anyway that “those guys” will read this anyway!
P.S. I would argue it is not condescending though. If YOU read it that way then happy to apologise as certainly not the intent. "
But it is about what YOU think works… and YOU decided to make yourself a spokesperson for everyone!
The beauty of swinging is that it is a big tent… and no two people looking for the same thing are going to have the same approach or attitudes….. what is a red line for you may not be the same for someone else!
The beauty of the message the lady put an example of earlier is that it was for them an immediate no! They knew they didn’t want to meet that person because that is them being real….
Now imagine that person has read your primer before sending that message…. They could have fooled that person into believing they were someone else!
You made it harder for the genuine person looking… and the genuine person at the other else working out who to actually meet!
Look I could write a thousand word primer about what I think works… but I am only speaking from a position of me! I don’t profess to speak for the masses.. and the next time someone else speaks for me it will be the first!
My primer comes down to time…. Patience… and basic common sense and try not to be a prize arse! if people need more help than that.. tough! Find your own way!
How does spoon feeding people actually help… think of it being the difference between giving a person a fish, and teaching a person how to fish!! |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"Actually I am going to take the contrary position… bear with me!
I think posts like this are counterproductive…..
I think they are condescending to say the least…
Basically you have given every chancer the blueprint on how to fool genuine people….
You made it harder for those people who “get it” to stand out from those who don’t….
You made it more difficult for those people look to differentiate between those who “get it” and those who don’t….
It may have been well intended.. and it believe it truly was! But if you need a primer on how to speak to people and to use basic common sense… then I am guessing swinging isn’t for them
There is a difference between people learning and people being spoon fed! …. Guides like this make a mockery of the learning process
Now THAT is a great contribution and a valid opinion. TBH I hadn’t considered that angle. It was well intentioned and born out of frustration at just how poor at this so many guys seem to be.
As others have observed though, probably unlikely anyway that “those guys” will read this anyway!
P.S. I would argue it is not condescending though. If YOU read it that way then happy to apologise as certainly not the intent.
But it is about what YOU think works… and YOU decided to make yourself a spokesperson for everyone!
The beauty of swinging is that it is a big tent… and no two people looking for the same thing are going to have the same approach or attitudes….. what is a red line for you may not be the same for someone else!
The beauty of the message the lady put an example of earlier is that it was for them an immediate no! They knew they didn’t want to meet that person because that is them being real….
Now imagine that person has read your primer before sending that message…. They could have fooled that person into believing they were someone else!
You made it harder for the genuine person looking… and the genuine person at the other else working out who to actually meet!
Look I could write a thousand word primer about what I think works… but I am only speaking from a position of me! I don’t profess to speak for the masses.. and the next time someone else speaks for me it will be the first!
My primer comes down to time…. Patience… and basic common sense and try not to be a prize arse! if people need more help than that.. tough! Find your own way!
How does spoon feeding people actually help… think of it being the difference between giving a person a fish, and teaching a person how to fish!!"
Again you make some good points but I will challenge the first one. At no point did I decide to make myself a spokesperson for everyone.
It clearly says in the OP...
“So here is some advice you can choose to ignore or take on board:“
Advice is not the same as being a spokesperson. Nobody is forced to visit the forum or read any specific thread.
As for providing a “blueprint” making it harder for the good guys. Perhaps you have a point but again I would argue you only need to read other similar threads across the forum to find EVERYTHING I have said being said by other people anyway (perhaps not in a single place). |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"Actually I am going to take the contrary position… bear with me!
I think posts like this are counterproductive…..
I think they are condescending to say the least…
Basically you have given every chancer the blueprint on how to fool genuine people….
You made it harder for those people who “get it” to stand out from those who don’t….
You made it more difficult for those people look to differentiate between those who “get it” and those who don’t….
It may have been well intended.. and it believe it truly was! But if you need a primer on how to speak to people and to use basic common sense… then I am guessing swinging isn’t for them
There is a difference between people learning and people being spoon fed! …. Guides like this make a mockery of the learning process
Now THAT is a great contribution and a valid opinion. TBH I hadn’t considered that angle. It was well intentioned and born out of frustration at just how poor at this so many guys seem to be.
As others have observed though, probably unlikely anyway that “those guys” will read this anyway!
Again you clearly attacked me for giving my feedback on your profile.
You need to accept that you yourself on your OP was very patronising of guys profiles as a general by trying to suggest alternatives. Let people be themselves and allow them to approach people in a way they feel will make them happy.
Oh dear seriously! I would say the general consensus on this thread (and to use your own “tactic” the many direct messages I have received in support of my position) would say otherwise.
Also can you show where I “attacked you”? I think you will find ALL my responses have been measured and respectful. After all, to be otherwise is against forum rules!
You attacked with the suggestion of attacking your own profile but i have said my opinion only.
P.s i read too within this thread that females and couples have the upper hand.
Absolutely disagree and many other would agree with that too somewhere. I have turned down couples and females for reasons of my own so i fulfilled my own desires and had full control of those situations perfectly.
"
Except I clearly didn’t “attack”. Strong word that! Show me where I “attacked”?
Re: Couples and females having the upper hand - well the multitude of posts across the forum at any given time from men moaning they don’t get anywhere would appear to support that assumption in the vast manority of cases! |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
Back to the OP
I agree with Fabio on this one, the people it is aimed at probably won't read it or if they do read it probably won't get it and the men who do get it without having to be told how they should act will feel patronised |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? ..."
Easy answer: so many single men will shag anything with a pulse. Verifications identify those. And I can move on by. |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
Hmmmm Ok the OP sounds geared up to what the couple want only. Swinging is meant to be fun and respectful for all parties, we would never have expected men to woo us, make us feel special , have to get past the man first ( we chose together ) nor did we think of the men as our plaything.
Respect is the key for all parties and we treated the men we met as equals |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? ...
Easy answer: so many single men will shag anything with a pulse. Verifications identify those. And I can move on by. "
Just because you don't think someone is attractive enough doesn't mean a man meeting them will think the same |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"All very good advice, my only query is that why should a man show his verifications if a couple has theirs hidden? ...
Easy answer: so many single men will shag anything with a pulse. Verifications identify those. And I can move on by.
Just because you don't think someone is attractive enough doesn't mean a man meeting them will think the same"
Of course. |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"Back to the OP
I agree with Fabio on this one, the people it is aimed at probably won't read it or if they do read it probably won't get it and the men who do get it without having to be told how they should act will feel patronised"
Ok disagreeing with a forum mod is sometimes not a good tactic but...I disagree (respectfully of course )
This “advice” is clearly positioned as something people can take or leave and also clearly stated as being based on my own first hand knowledge of being both a single male swinger and couple swinger.
This advice thread is posted in the “swinging advice” section of the forum.
So I would expect the majority of men who are reading threads in this section to be looking for advice. The fact that they are looking for advice tells me they are already different to a big chunk of “those guys” who really don’t get it.
The experienced successful swinger males are less likely to be reading this section or this thread. If they are I suspect very few would feel patronised as they would see the truisms in much/all that I say. At most I expect that type of guy to just say “doh well yeah!”
I would argue that saying “if they do read it probably won't get it” is far more patronising then anything I have said!
Also just to be absolutely clear, nobody is being “told how they should act” as I clearly state this is advice (not rules) that they can choose to ignore but that it worked for me.
I would hope the majority would understand the intent. Based on most of the replies and private messages, I think most do wouldn’t you say? |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"Hmmmm Ok the OP sounds geared up to what the couple want only. Swinging is meant to be fun and respectful for all parties, we would never have expected men to woo us, make us feel special , have to get past the man first ( we chose together ) nor did we think of the men as our plaything.
Respect is the key for all parties and we treated the men we met as equals "
Which is precisely why I used the wording “many (most?)” and didn’t say “all”
Of course there are any number of permutations and preferences and approaches to swinging. But based on my experience and in talking to all the couples I/we have played with since the late 90s, what I say in the OP is true for a majority.
I also didn’t think I needed to caveat every statement in what is intended to be helpful advice.
Of course there has to be mutual respect. Of course the single male needs to get something out of it (when I was single if I hadn’t enjoyed it I wouldn’t have done it!) but this was advice to help “improve hit rates” (and maybe share a bit of experience) not a philosophical debate about the “transaction of swinging” |
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No 12... It is a pity that when members leave Fab and delete their profile, their verifications disappear! I recently lost some great verifications from long standing friends who have retired from the scene... What remains is a number! |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
"Hmmmm Ok the OP sounds geared up to what the couple want only. Swinging is meant to be fun and respectful for all parties, we would never have expected men to woo us, make us feel special , have to get past the man first ( we chose together ) nor did we think of the men as our plaything.
Respect is the key for all parties and we treated the men we met as equals
Which is precisely why I used the wording “many (most?)” and didn’t say “all”
Of course there are any number of permutations and preferences and approaches to swinging. But based on my experience and in talking to all the couples I/we have played with since the late 90s, what I say in the OP is true for a majority.
I also didn’t think I needed to caveat every statement in what is intended to be helpful advice.
"
It is only helpful advice if people reading it think so. I read it as explained. You seem annoyed when people don't agree with it |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
"Back to the OP
I agree with Fabio on this one, the people it is aimed at probably won't read it or if they do read it probably won't get it and the men who do get it without having to be told how they should act will feel patronised
Ok disagreeing with a forum mod is sometimes not a good tactic but...I disagree (respectfully of course )
This “advice” is clearly positioned as something people can take or leave and also clearly stated as being based on my own first hand knowledge of being both a single male swinger and couple swinger.
This advice thread is posted in the “swinging advice” section of the forum.
So I would expect the majority of men who are reading threads in this section to be looking for advice. The fact that they are looking for advice tells me they are already different to a big chunk of “those guys” who really don’t get it.
The experienced successful swinger males are less likely to be reading this section or this thread. If they are I suspect very few would feel patronised as they would see the truisms in much/all that I say. At most I expect that type of guy to just say “doh well yeah!”
I would argue that saying “if they do read it probably won't get it” is far more patronising then anything I have said!
Also just to be absolutely clear, nobody is being “told how they should act” as I clearly state this is advice (not rules) that they can choose to ignore but that it worked for me.
I would hope the majority would understand the intent. Based on most of the replies and private messages, I think most do wouldn’t you say?"
Disagreeing with anyone on the forum is fine.
I made my comments from my own experience on the forum.
You don't have to agree
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"Hmmmm Ok the OP sounds geared up to what the couple want only. Swinging is meant to be fun and respectful for all parties, we would never have expected men to woo us, make us feel special , have to get past the man first ( we chose together ) nor did we think of the men as our plaything.
Respect is the key for all parties and we treated the men we met as equals
Which is precisely why I used the wording “many (most?)” and didn’t say “all”
Of course there are any number of permutations and preferences and approaches to swinging. But based on my experience and in talking to all the couples I/we have played with since the late 90s, what I say in the OP is true for a majority.
I also didn’t think I needed to caveat every statement in what is intended to be helpful advice.
It is only helpful advice if people reading it think so. I read it as explained. You seem annoyed when people don't agree with it"
Absolutely not. Welcome any and all views that are constructive and add value to the discussion. My experience is exactly that, MY experience. It would be interesting to hear others.
I don’t believe I have come across as annoyed either. I have stood by what I say but always been respectful. |
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"If Covid gets under control then I suspect the swinging scene to explode. While this might be breaking some unwritten swinger code (don’t talk about Fight Club) I think it is about time some friendly advice and home truths were put out there for all those horny single guys WHO ARE WRITING TO COUPLES.
First some context and background:
I am the male half of this couple. Call me Mr B.
I got into swinging in late 90s in a previous relationship. I then swung as a single guy for two years before meeting Mrs B.
As a single guy, after a few false starts, I ended up with a 50:50 average of success when contacting couples. The reason for this was that I had the advantage of having experienced things “from the other side” so I knew what most were looking for and how to behave.
I only met two single girls through swinging, both were batshit crazy (not saying all are) so stuck to 1-on-1 dating or sex through normal channels.
So here is some advice you can choose to ignore or take on board:
1. Read the profile! Understand what the couple are looking for!
2. Remember you are writing to a couple so don’t talk just to the woman! Think about how you would feel having another man talking about your GF/wife!
3. Many (most?) couple profiles are actually managed by the male half. They are doing the admin, filtering out the guff, creating the “shortlist” before the female half even bothers to take a look. If you want to fuck the female (and let’s be honest that is why you are contacting them) you need to get past the male.
4. Read the bloody profile!
5. Be respectful with what you say and how you say it! Something like “want your bitch to gag on my big cock” is probably an instant delete for 99% of couples.
6. Be prepared to make some effort! We all want to feel a bit special. A little effort could get a big reward!
7. Read the fucking profile!!
8. Don’t assume it is on a plate or a sure thing. Be willing to travel for a meet/drink with no expectations of getting your leg over. Make it very clear you have no expectations. Sure if it doesn’t work out it is disappointing and frustrating but that’s the same with dating. There is nothing more of a turn off then pressure!
9. Remember they are the couple. They are taking a risk inviting you into their intimate relationship for a few hours. They have things to lose. You don’t! So put them at ease. Show them how respectful you are. Acknowledge that you are in reality their plaything to enhance their sex life and you want to help with that BUT be honest about how that also fulfils your fantasies and you will of course get off on it!
10. Understand the different dynamics in couples. What is a Stag/Vixen? What is a Hotwife? What is a Cuckold (and importantly how is that different to the other two). If they are a cuckold couple then remember to treat the male half with utter respect before and after sex scenarios.
11. Be honest about your situation. If you are attached some couples won’t like it but hey that’s life. But if you lie then they will wonder what else you lie about!
12. Have a decent profile, with nice pics, actually tell us something about yourself AND if you have verifications then display them so we can read them! Many (most?) couples WILL look at who you have met and will judge you by the company you keep. If your standards appear low then it does say something about you. Some couples will be put off but don’t hide them. It makes us suspicious!
13. And finally - For God’s sake read the bastard profile!!!
This advice is provided on the understanding that it gives no guarantees of success but it worked very well for me in my single days!
Happy swinging!!!
P.S. also note that while there are a range of definitions, generally swinging is not “casual sex” it is “kink sex” (with hundreds of kinks). There are other easier places to go for casual hook ups. Just saying
"
We would agree with all of this & we enjoyed perking your pic’s!!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Although we will add that once we’re comfortable the guy is what we’re looking for, we do also discuss with them what gets them going/turns them on the most. So long as what they like isn’t against a rule of ours, we’ll happily oblige. The respect goes both ways. |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"Although we will add that once we’re comfortable the guy is what we’re looking for, we do also discuss with them what gets them going/turns them on the most. So long as what they like isn’t against a rule of ours, we’ll happily oblige. The respect goes both ways."
Absolutely. Nothing sexier than everyone involved really enjoying themselves.
It is really hard (no pun) for single guys because there is so much competition and sadly a fair few idiots spoiling it for the good ones. Already said by someone further up but the biggest Fab hurdle is getting your first verification (even harder right now with Covid) but once you have one (or more) they become part of your “marketing strategy” so it baffles me why people don’t display them?
Also said further up - it is a real shame when someone leaves Fab you lose their verification! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Still won't guarantee a meet.
As a single guy we have to message 100s of couples and women, just to get a conversation never mind a meet. Especially now is it worth it?"
I've not found that, even as an older single guy. I've just conversed in the forums and got to know people. Some have contacted me. The rest just followed naturally. Just be yourself, friendly and definitely not pushy. Aim for quality meets, not quantity. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ye the loss of veris when they leave is a real bummer. Had some fantastic ones that are now no longer on the site.
Perhaps someone would oblige to help me getting a few more up   |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
""Still won't guarantee a meet.
As a single guy we have to message 100s of couples and women, just to get a conversation never mind a meet. Especially now is it worth it?"
I've not found that, even as an older single guy. I've just conversed in the forums and got to know people. Some have contacted me. The rest just followed naturally. Just be yourself, friendly and definitely not pushy. Aim for quality meets, not quantity. "
They say “the only thing guaranteed in life is death and taxes” everything else is down to us as individuals. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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""Still won't guarantee a meet.
As a single guy we have to message 100s of couples and women, just to get a conversation never mind a meet. Especially now is it worth it?"
I've not found that, even as an older single guy. I've just conversed in the forums and got to know people. Some have contacted me. The rest just followed naturally. Just be yourself, friendly and definitely not pushy. Aim for quality meets, not quantity.
They say “the only thing guaranteed in life is death and taxes” everything else is down to us as individuals."
Very true! |
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I believe the OP’s original post was well-intentioned, and borne out of some frustration from his experiences while being a couple in Fab. Most of his advice is actually common sense, and I agree with, as it mirrors how I approach profiles (both couples and solo females), before messaging.
I do agree with my good friend Fabio though, that this is slightly condescending to the decent guys out there, and it could be an aid those who most people would rather avoid.....
I’ve read every post on this thread, because I like reading, just as I read every profile before I message, and unsurprisingly, I do very well in Fab..... |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
Really cannot see how it could be condescending to genuine guys? It is clear who it is aimed at. Those who know would surely at worst say “yeah no shit sherlock”.
I think if as a single guy this post offends then that feels a bit “snowflakey” to me!
Still I will say once again - absolutely no intent on my part to condescend anyone (experienced or otherwise). I stand by what I say because, as clearly stated, this is based on my experience being on both sides. |
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I am a reasonably intelligent and literate guy and can put a decent message together and like to think I follow all the points in the checklist. However I get a reply from some people who say “You’ve just cut and pasted that message - block”
At least it’s only typing and not shovelling coal!
YOLO x |
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"Really cannot see how it could be condescending to genuine guys? It is clear who it is aimed at. Those who know would surely at worst say “yeah no shit sherlock”.
I think if as a single guy this post offends then that feels a bit “snowflakey” to me!
Still I will say once again - absolutely no intent on my part to condescend anyone (experienced or otherwise). I stand by what I say because, as clearly stated, this is based on my experience being on both sides."
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Well crafted and thought out post OP. Lots of common sense in there.
I would add though that despite the fact that it is a 'buyers market' some couples male halves particularly do tend to go a bit too far with the 'rules' and are more than over zealous about things. Some do seem to go out of their way to make the guy feel like a spare part or apprentice under instruction. Which does make the whole event and particularly any 'third' involved at a meet feel their role in the session is more like a yoke to bear than anything related to something fun..so the couple enjoy it and he just gets a shag and goes home!
Each to their own and certainly that doesn't apply to all couples just does seem to be the dynamic most go for on here. Bulls and breeders requests seem to be in abundance.
Does nothing for the grey matter though and that's the most important organ of all that needs satisfying IMHO |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
@willyordinary that is a good point. It is not something I ever experienced as a single guy (and certainly not how we operate as a couple). If that was the “vibe” I got from a profile then I would not have contacted in the first place.
Rules are ok and should be respected but do work both ways. As a single guy I had rules too - for example I was never up for the “just turn up, walk in, perform then fuck off” that some couples seem to like. I liked a chat, over a drink, get to know them (and sense if I could trust them/was safe to go back to theirs) and to see if we clicked.
Also as a single guy things like dogging held no appeal.
But each to their own.
As a couple we do spell out on our profile some rules. IMO that are nothing onerous and really just dovetail with what I said in the OP. Our profile approach will clearly put some people off but that is totally fine. In my/our experience the type of person put off by what we say in our profile will be the kind of person we would not click with anyway.
Swinging comes in all manner of varieties so that is why I advise people to read profiles - assuming people can be bothered to explain what they are looking for then spending a few mins reading helps everyone find right combos for them. However, the reality is many many people (not just men but based on volume, men are more guilty) don’t bother reading.
As a couple we WANT the other person/people to have a great time. So much sexier if everyone is into it. AND we prefer to see people repeatedly so want them to want to come back, not be a one-off because in our experience (and mine as a single guy) the 2nd/5th/10th meeting is invariably better than the 1st. |
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"Well crafted and thought out post OP. Lots of common sense in there.
I would add though that despite the fact that it is a 'buyers market' some couples male halves particularly do tend to go a bit too far with the 'rules' and are more than over zealous about things. Some do seem to go out of their way to make the guy feel like a spare part or apprentice under instruction. Which does make the whole event and particularly any 'third' involved at a meet feel their role in the session is more like a yoke to bear than anything related to something fun..so the couple enjoy it and he just gets a shag and goes home!
Each to their own and certainly that doesn't apply to all couples just does seem to be the dynamic most go for on here. Bulls and breeders requests seem to be in abundance.
Does nothing for the grey matter though and that's the most important organ of all that needs satisfying IMHO "
This is not just regarding men, there are couples who set very strict rules no matter what gender the person joining them is.
I avoid those couples. |
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By *irldn OP Couple
over a year ago
Brighton |
"Well crafted and thought out post OP. Lots of common sense in there.
I would add though that despite the fact that it is a 'buyers market' some couples male halves particularly do tend to go a bit too far with the 'rules' and are more than over zealous about things. Some do seem to go out of their way to make the guy feel like a spare part or apprentice under instruction. Which does make the whole event and particularly any 'third' involved at a meet feel their role in the session is more like a yoke to bear than anything related to something fun..so the couple enjoy it and he just gets a shag and goes home!
Each to their own and certainly that doesn't apply to all couples just does seem to be the dynamic most go for on here. Bulls and breeders requests seem to be in abundance.
Does nothing for the grey matter though and that's the most important organ of all that needs satisfying IMHO
This is not just regarding men, there are couples who set very strict rules no matter what gender the person joining them is.
I avoid those couples. "
I am interested to know what you think about “rules” vs “preferences” and when the latter come across too much like the former? |
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"
I am interested to know what you think about “rules” vs “preferences” and when the latter come across too much like the former?"
I'm not exactly sure what you mean? I have some idea, but could you give some examples, please? |
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This should be made a sticky for all the times people say ‘why don’t I get any replies?’ lol.