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Sub /Dom first time
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By *pinner10 OP Man 32 weeks ago
Newcastle/Durham/Northumberland |
I’m a mature guy who has been swinging for most of my life, introduced to it at a young age by a couple when I was a horny young man 18, since then met couples and single females who wanted a W/E man, I really enjoyed it over the years, I have been to clubs and in the dungeons and watched the BDSM couples and the Dom’s and Dominatrixes doing there thing and picked up lots of aspects and do s and don’t s , I bought a set of BDSM equipment ropes clamps crops whip and intend to expand with more, being a mature fledgling Dom though not inexperienced in many ways isn’t easy to find the right sub lady’s also fledgling being sub to safely experimentally play especially in my area in the north east, any lady’s from the north of England looking for this |
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First. Congratulations on your journey of exploration.
But, if I'm reading this right, you are a beginner, looking for another beginner to explore this with.
That seems like a bad idea.
But you do you.
Also welcome to the FETish LIFEstyle.
Go to some munches and you may meet the person you are looking for. |
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"First. Congratulations on your journey of exploration.
But, if I'm reading this right, you are a beginner, looking for another beginner to explore this with.
That seems like a bad idea.
But you do you.
Also welcome to the FETish LIFEstyle.
Go to some munches and you may meet the person you are looking for."
I second this!
Welcome to the FETish LIFEstyle... you'll need to hunt a good FETish LIFEstyle site whoch will help you explore further as fab tends to sit at being vanilla.
The FETish LIFEstyle has lots to offer though. I would recommend either finding a Dom/Domme to shadow properly and learn further or an experienced Sub.
Best piece of advice I can give you is the sub is always in control, ALWAYS.
Past that, I hope you enjoy what the FETish LIFEstyle has to offer
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"
Best piece of advice I can give you is the sub is always in control, ALWAYS.
"
100% correct most wannabe Dom do not get that.
the dom is only there to push the sub limits, when the sub say its enough it means it is enough.
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Having read your post and the comments I have to agree a more experienced sub who is willing to teach you the finer points would be a good way to go also as has been suggested look for your local munch best place on fet life you will also find on there as in most areas teaching events
But please remember to be safe and consensual in all your play in my 30+ years I've heard of to many horror stories |
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By (user no longer on site) 32 weeks ago
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I will probably get stick for this but I believe both of you are in charge.
The dominant has as much right to say no or to end a scene if they are not happy. Submission and Dominance is a gift to each other and should never be taken lightly. Both have emotions and feelings and limits etc.
To allow one person to be in charge can lead to an abuse of that position. Mental scars are harder to heal than physical.
Equal responsibility to have an equal voice and an equal opinion and to set what you are both comfortable with.
Even in TPE there can be limits.
I also think that you need to find your own limits. Educate yourself. Attend munches. Read up from recognised sources. I have seen too many experienced people mould people in to what they want them to be rather than helping them find it themselves
Just my thoughts and opinions |
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"
Best piece of advice I can give you is the sub is always in control, ALWAYS.
100% correct most wannabe Dom do not get that.
the dom is only there to push the sub limits, when the sub say its enough it means it is enough.
"
Your right about the sub having the ultimate control, but The Dom isn't there to PUSH any limits, they are limits for a reason. Why risk the play ending by pushing the sub to far that's not the point of it. |
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By *elkieWoman 32 weeks ago
Durham |
So, log onto Fetlife. Find the Newcastle and North East group (the moderator’s kinda hot), and go and take a look at the munch listings and calendars.
Don’t look for a sub initially. Look for people who will let you hit them while you learn. If you enjoy playing together a dynamic might well develop out of that.
Also, do not buy too many toys. Kinksters take their kit exceptionally seriously and there is some beautiful handmade stuff around you might want to explore. Buy it as you need it, as ideas come into your head. Canes are useless for a sub who loves thuddy, you know? |
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"
Best piece of advice I can give you is the sub is always in control, ALWAYS.
100% correct most wannabe Dom do not get that.
the dom is only there to push the sub limits, when the sub say its enough it means it is enough.
Your right about the sub having the ultimate control, but The Dom isn't there to PUSH any limits, they are limits for a reason. Why risk the play ending by pushing the sub to far that's not the point of it."
Soft limits are there to be pushed, it's how we grow. |
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"
Best piece of advice I can give you is the sub is always in control, ALWAYS.
100% correct most wannabe Dom do not get that.
the dom is only there to push the sub limits, when the sub say its enough it means it is enough.
Your right about the sub having the ultimate control, but The Dom isn't there to PUSH any limits, they are limits for a reason. Why risk the play ending by pushing the sub to far that's not the point of it.
Soft limits are there to be pushed, it's how we grow. "
My soft limits are there for a reason; I’ll be the one to decide if and when they’ll change. Any talk of pushing limits is a massive red flag in my opinion. |
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By *ickD80Man 32 weeks ago
Wolverhampton |
If you’re used to being at clubs and have seen BDSM activity at them then the best thing to do is probably to go back to the clubs and get involved to gain some experience. There will be people there who will be more than happy to guide you I’m sure and you may meet a sub who you feel a connection with and want to explore together.
I’m sub and i definitely wouldn’t have been comfortable with an inexperienced Domme using ropes, clamps, whips etc on me when I was inexperienced. I’d be happy to guide an inexperienced Domme now as I have enough experience to be able to do that but i think you’re trying to run before you can walk by buying all that equipment before you know the basics.
There’s a lot more to being a Dom than having ropes, clamps and whips, personally I’d lock them away in a drawer until you’ve learned about building trust and understanding in a D/s relationship because that’s the most important thing. Even as an experienced sub I wouldn’t feel comfortable having a Domme use any of that equipment on me before we have built trust and understanding between each other, regardless of whether she was experienced or not. |
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You’ve got some great tips here - mainly the don’t run before you can walk advice.
Understand the impact implements that you have by practising on inanimate objects before you go anywhere near a person. Cushions are your friend! And be prepared that a sub that you click with might not be into any of it. Clubs will sometimes run workshop sessions on various kink skills, so keep an eye out. |
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So much to unpack, but there is a clear start. Get educated, read up on the difference between D/s relationships and Topping and bottoming relationships, and pick up play at dungeons. The usual start of reading Screw The Roses book or Jay Wiseman BDSM 101. Get educated on the use of toys otherwise you can do serious harm.
But as a start I am assuming when you say "whip" you mean a single tail implement with a cracker, although some people call a flogger a whip. If it is a singletail don't use it until you can hit a badge ten times in a row. A great book is
"Dex Whips in the Dungeon: Singletail Techniques for Play". If it is a flogger this still needs practice before using it on someone.
In regard to impact play there is a huge difference between watching someone drive a car and driving a car yourself. You also don't know if the person you are watching is any good or has bad habits. There is plenty of information online and books on impact play.
With rope in person teaching is best but you should not be tying someone without knowing the basic anatomical issues around tying with rope. Also how to to safely tie. Watching people do rope is no way to learn.
Also fledgling subs or bottoms are generally looking to experiment with someone who is experienced, and not be guinea pigs themselves.
Remembering that submissive's or bottom's enjoyment of sensation does not automatically mean sex. Although it seems that you are positioning yourself as a "Sex Dom" with a little bit of impact play.
The difference between a D/s relationship, a Topping and bottoming relationships and a Sex Dom relationship, is the word "relationship". As someone mentioned earlier D/s requires respect, trust, care but also delivering on the type of relationship the sub needs. Even when Topping which, is largely, about meeting the bottom's requirements.
In regard to the comments about the sub being in control I have a different view. The hallmark of a D/s relationship is a power/authority exchange. Within the negotiated limits the sub gives authority, but the Dominant has the choice whether to accept.
Logically if the sub has control then the sub is the Dominant. I see the 'sub is in control' school of thought as a reaction to old school D/s which required complete submission from subs and they had no autonomy. Modern D/s accepts that subs have rights apart from those conceded and even those conceded can be revoked by the sub. But the same goes for the Dominant, they can accept a basis of a relationship. If the sub tries to change it the Dominant can terminate the relationship.
Some people say you can't be a Dominant without a submissive but similarly you can't be submissive exercising submission without a D/s relationship. A submissive is looking to submit to the right Dom who helps the sub submit in the way the sub is looking to submit. The Dominant should not ve looking for any sub, but one whose needs fall into the Dom's desires.
This leads onto getting the right submissive which is another huge topic. Good Luck |
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By *renzMan 32 weeks ago
Between Chichester and Havant |
I echo many of the posts above. With all respect, just because you have the toys doesn't mean you know how to use them. Safely. You also need to communicate with any potential submissive and have their full consent and adhere to any limits discussed. I'm also on the site above and met a sub through there, we played for a couple of years and grew together. But we went our separate ways in January and I'm now looking for another.
I too would suggest you go to munches and get yourself known otherwise you may just be thought of as the 'typical old perve'!
Through the site you can also find workshops and more. |
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