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Dom / Sub advice
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We’ve only been on the scene since April and are totally loving our journey as a couple, both physically and psychologically.
However as we begin to understand and communicate our desires more freely than ever before it’s becoming clear that Mrs has a need to be more sexually fulfilled.
We’ve began to experiment with Sub / Dom play, but neither of us are really sure how to move this from simple restraints and some basic breathe play to a place that may fulfil the quite open brief.
Any advice from how to understand what sexually fulfilled could mean to how to move our Sub / Dom play progressively forward would be fab.
Thanks
Mr |
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Good morning
I would say a lot of talking about what interests both of you
Then try different things with the trust and understanding and safe word you should be free to experiment with what interests the two of you
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By *ickD80Man 24 weeks ago
Wolverhampton |
The only advice I can give you is don’t seek advice from other people because everyone has different needs and desires. You need to experiment until you start to understand what satisfies you both the most.
My last relationship was a D/s relationship and I was the sub, we never had sex and all our sexual activity was purely for her pleasure, giving her massages, giving her oral, worshiping her body, using her toys to pleasure her etc, I was allowed to masturbate every now and then at her discretion and she didn’t even touch my cock. I don’t think that dynamic would suit your relationship at all. |
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I would research, in this situation google is your friend and there are some great sites that will help you look deeper into it.
You never know if you'll like something without trying it but you need to be communicating about what you both desire.
It's really a subjective thing and one persons kink is another persons torture ha .
I love bindage and restriction, orgssm control, denial and edging,wax play, edge play, inpact play, pegging, fisting, stress positions. The list goes on. You need to have a look at the different kinks and explore what might be suitable for you both. |
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I think asking advice is fine. There are knowledgeable people on FAB. But any advice (and everything kinky) needs to be balanced out by self knowledge (a guide may be the BDSM test or there are a load of kink lists on line), and common sense as there are fantasists that give advice.
I tend to divide D/s into: Old School, Modern, and swinging.
The site tends to be more of the swinging side with an emphasis on sexual pleasure, other than inspiring the other senses and mind.
These days online there are 1001 threads on sensual D/s these may be a good starting point. I would also recommend looking at Bondassage as an inspiration.
I would add the obligatory safety warning. If you want to apply sensation to another body, learn how to do so first. This applies from floggers to wax to rope.
Good luck |
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"Thank you, loads of simple but effective pints here, really appreciate. "
Feel free to message me for some advice - I’m young but don’t let that fool you , I’m confident I could give you some pointers that usually go down extremely well x |
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"Thank you, loads of simple but effective pints here, really appreciate.
Feel free to message me for some advice - I’m young but don’t let that fool you , I’m confident I could give you some pointers that usually go down extremely well x"
Why not just write your pointers here where they asked the question? |
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By (user no longer on site) 24 weeks ago
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"Experiment openly and figure stuff out, ok. I guess I need to read about Dom psychology…"
Particularly pay attention to aftercare, especially when it comes to 'Dom drop' (feelings of guilt after scene) |
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BDSM is bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. Many people conflate BDSM with Domination and submission (power exchange). Yes the latter is involved in the former, but the umbrella and scope of Kink more generally may be useful. Great (audio) books that might be useful for your journey are; The Ethical Slut, The New Topping and the New Bottoming book (I would suggest both, whichever way one leans), for more protocol oriented BSDM, Michael MAkai’s Domination and Submission is good for context and information but doesn’t reflect modern kink fully. Finally from an opening a relationship and understanding oneself Polysecure by Jessica Fern, and the Evolution of Desire by David Buss.
Have a look out for local munches and having a supportive community and Network around you not to mention the excellent courses and classes to improve skills such as impact play, breath play (one to really understand and approach with education and caution), dynamics communication etc. also the kink markets are also a great place to start both from the workshops and looking around at toys and implements to start discussions.
Best of luck!! Xx |
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Was going to drop you a message, but filters etc.
Bdsm, kink, whatever to want to call it - the key points -
• Trust, respect, communication, communication, communication.
• Understand (SSC) safe sane consensual or the more modern (RACK) Risk aware consensual kink.
• "Safewords" are incredibly important.
• explore what you like. Go find a bdsm checklist. Each fill one out, see what tickles you. Discuss what you'd like to do and research to topic before to try it.
• There will be various events and socials dedicated to the local bdsm in your area, other webpages will have event listing.
• Doctor Lori Beth also has seminars and talks on the subject for beginners wishing to explore.
Have fun be safe. If you want any further information happy to assist.
Amelia |
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By (user no longer on site) 24 weeks ago
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"Experiment openly and figure stuff out, ok. I guess I need to read about Dom psychology…"
It’s hard to become something your not. If you have any dominate areas of your life tap into those. Otherwise your just acting. |
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"Experiment openly and figure stuff out, ok. I guess I need to read about Dom psychology…
It’s hard to become something your not. If you have any dominate areas of your life tap into those. Otherwise your just acting."
Or role playing? Which is a lot of fun. |
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By (user no longer on site) 24 weeks ago
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"Experiment openly and figure stuff out, ok. I guess I need to read about Dom psychology…
It’s hard to become something your not. If you have any dominate areas of your life tap into those. Otherwise your just acting.
Or role playing? Which is a lot of fun."
Role playing is fun but we wouldn’t necessarily call that a dom/sub dynamic under the umbrella of bdsm. OP is probably better of role playing the pleasure dom role as it’s more akin to vanilla sex. |
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"Experiment openly and figure stuff out, ok. I guess I need to read about Dom psychology…
It’s hard to become something your not. If you have any dominate areas of your life tap into those. Otherwise your just acting."
I take an alternative view.
First I would suggest a Dominant in modern BDSM does not correlate with being dominant. Being dominant in day to day life does not make you a Dominant. Some think the dominant in daily life is the wrong stereotype, a bit like Dominants being Alphas.
Second, you don't know until you try, which is why education and training is important. Someone mentioned some good books above (although I think OP is looking at sex dom activities than D/s). If you never had experience of something how do you know.
Third, as just mentioned, to me OP is looking at sex dom activities which in my view (others may disagree) is more role-play and is fine unless he or his partner feel the need for genuine power exchange. |
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By (user no longer on site) 24 weeks ago
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"Experiment openly and figure stuff out, ok. I guess I need to read about Dom psychology…
It’s hard to become something your not. If you have any dominate areas of your life tap into those. Otherwise your just acting.
I take an alternative view.
First I would suggest a Dominant in modern BDSM does not correlate with being dominant."
Make that make sense?
A sissy bottom isn’t going to make a very good dominant, neither is the door mouse at work. Confidence and empathy is the most useful characteristic when it comes to being dominant as you can both read and direct simultaneously, in our opinion. |
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"It's really a subjective thing and one persons kink is another persons torture ha .
I love bindage and restriction, orgssm control, denial and edging,wax play, edge play, inpact play, pegging, fisting, stress positions. The list goes on. You need to have a look at the different kinks and explore what might be suitable for you both. "
(updates hotlist  ) |
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"Experiment openly and figure stuff out, ok. I guess I need to read about Dom psychology…
It’s hard to become something your not. If you have any dominate areas of your life tap into those. Otherwise your just acting.
I take an alternative view.
First I would suggest a Dominant in modern BDSM does not correlate with being dominant.
Make that make sense?
A sissy bottom isn’t going to make a very good dominant, neither is the door mouse at work. Confidence and empathy is the most useful characteristic when it comes to being dominant as you can both read and direct simultaneously, in our opinion. "
"A Dominant" is a noun with a particular meaning within modern D/s, normally someone who leads in a power exchange relationship. The word "dominate" is an adjective with a dictionary definition that does not take into account power exchange.
D/s relationships are personal what works for one submissive may not work for another.
I agree that confidence and empathy are essential for a "Dominant" but the dictionary definition of "dominant" does not refer to these characteristics.
You cannot know what the door mouse at work gets up to in their private life. Also don't forget the stereotype of powerful people who like to be submissive. That's why in my view there is no correlation. A self declared sissy faggot, is a person of experience and we are talking about a OP as newbie. But just because someone sexually or in D/s is a sissy faggot does not mean they can't kick arse if the need arrives, they have just accepted in a power exchange relationship they will take the secondary role. Funnily enough I spoke to someone at an event who was a sissy bottom, but was ex military, and did martial arts. |
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"Experiment openly and figure stuff out, ok. I guess I need to read about Dom psychology…
It’s hard to become something your not. If you have any dominate areas of your life tap into those. Otherwise your just acting.
I take an alternative view.
First I would suggest a Dominant in modern BDSM does not correlate with being dominant.
Make that make sense?
A sissy bottom isn’t going to make a very good dominant, neither is the door mouse at work. Confidence and empathy is the most useful characteristic when it comes to being dominant as you can both read and direct simultaneously, in our opinion.
"A Dominant" is a noun with a particular meaning within modern D/s, normally someone who leads in a power exchange relationship. The word "dominate" is an adjective with a dictionary definition that does not take into account power exchange.
D/s relationships are personal what works for one submissive may not work for another.
I agree that confidence and empathy are essential for a "Dominant" but the dictionary definition of "dominant" does not refer to these characteristics.
You cannot know what the door mouse at work gets up to in their private life. Also don't forget the stereotype of powerful people who like to be submissive. That's why in my view there is no correlation. A self declared sissy faggot, is a person of experience and we are talking about a OP as newbie. But just because someone sexually or in D/s is a sissy faggot does not mean they can't kick arse if the need arrives, they have just accepted in a power exchange relationship they will take the secondary role. Funnily enough I spoke to someone at an event who was a sissy bottom, but was ex military, and did martial arts."
I would add there is more than one way to do BDSM, so I am only giving my view. People can take other views. Except for the requirements of respecting the humanity of others, safety and consent, in my view there is no one true way. |
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By (user no longer on site) 24 weeks ago
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"Experiment openly and figure stuff out, ok. I guess I need to read about Dom psychology…
It’s hard to become something your not. If you have any dominate areas of your life tap into those. Otherwise your just acting.
I take an alternative view.
First I would suggest a Dominant in modern BDSM does not correlate with being dominant.
Make that make sense?
A sissy bottom isn’t going to make a very good dominant, neither is the door mouse at work. Confidence and empathy is the most useful characteristic when it comes to being dominant as you can both read and direct simultaneously, in our opinion.
"A Dominant" is a noun with a particular meaning within modern D/s, normally someone who leads in a power exchange relationship. The word "dominate" is an adjective with a dictionary definition that does not take into account power exchange.
D/s relationships are personal what works for one submissive may not work for another.
I agree that confidence and empathy are essential for a "Dominant" but the dictionary definition of "dominant" does not refer to these characteristics.
You cannot know what the door mouse at work gets up to in their private life. Also don't forget the stereotype of powerful people who like to be submissive. That's why in my view there is no correlation. A self declared sissy faggot, is a person of experience and we are talking about a OP as newbie. But just because someone sexually or in D/s is a sissy faggot does not mean they can't kick arse if the need arrives, they have just accepted in a power exchange relationship they will take the secondary role. Funnily enough I spoke to someone at an event who was a sissy bottom, but was ex military, and did martial arts.
I would add there is more than one way to do BDSM, so I am only giving my view. People can take other views. Except for the requirements of respecting the humanity of others, safety and consent, in my view there is no one true way."
True and respect should be at the heart of any dynamic. Without those it has potential to be nothing more than abuse |
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By *oxy jWoman 24 weeks ago
somerset |
no body knows you so how can they give advice on a subject that is so personal between you 2 ... they way forward is what you 2 want not what others tell you ...
most of the advice on here is rubbish because what works for themselves will never work for you ... you both need to talk and work it out at your paste..
be you two and not someone else
the best way to find out is maybe go to a kink night that includes what your into and see what or if anything is for you dom and sub mean so many different thing to so many doms sub couples some have zero restraint or bdsm or even kink its such a massive spectrum..
do your research both sit and cuddle up and use google and find what you like and best of luck |
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Only advice I can give is that if your both happy and it's relatively sane and safe then that's the right way to do it. People in the community can be some of the most judgemental narrow minded people so just accept that your norm doesn't need to be anyone elses norm.
Our sub/Domme relationship is probably unrecognisable to most but it is perfect for us. |
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"Experiment openly and figure stuff out, ok. I guess I need to read about Dom psychology…
Particularly pay attention to aftercare, especially when it comes to 'Dom drop' (feelings of guilt after scene)"
Don’t think I’ve ever read the term Dom drop before but it is definitely a thing.
I am not a sadist, the pleasure in a D/s scene for me comes from me enjoying the reactions of M. She took me down this path.
But we discuss lots before we do anything new. And we re affirm our feelings on things we have done lots of time. Working out what we both enjoy, and what is too far.
Safe words are a must, don’t stray further than the traffic light system, it’s really easy. Green - keep going, Amber - back it up a bit, Red - stop. Can’t be confused and not exactly something anyone would be saying in normal play. Green isn’t really spoken, it’s just amber, and if your Dom/Sub relationship is good then Red is unlikely to be heard.
PS to the op, would classify breath play at the more extreme end of D/s play and depending on whether you are using toys (rope etc) to achieve please make sure you have emergency release tools to hand. Rope Scissors for example. |
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By *elkieWoman 23 weeks ago
Durham |
Soo. Sexually fulfilled could mean anything so ask her. For me it means power exchange, a lot of very good sex, multiple partners, impact play, bondage, tit torture, humiliation and degradation and role play. For someone else it means missionary with the lights on. Create a space that is safe for her to tell you about her fantasies, and when you do something, talk about ways to make it even better the next time. Normalise debriefs after play as a way of making things even better.
Something I haven’t seen anyone else point out. Breath play is not generally recommended for beginners. Choking is a high risk activity which is associated with stroke, death and damage to the windpipe, so please can I ask you to take some time to think about the risks before the next time you play? I know it gets shown in porn a lot, but that doesn’t mean it’s safe. |
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I was just coming to say this! Even ‘basic breath play’ would be way too risky for me. Not recommended without in person tuition, imho. My local kink club runs regular workshops on various kinks and how to explore them safely - see if there’s anything local to you. |
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By (user no longer on site) 23 weeks ago
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We’re only new to starting out on our journey but enjoying it more each time we play..
And that’s the important thing .. enjoyment in whatever form of D/s that takes
What works for one may not work for another.
But always open to offers lol |
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There’s a lot of emphasis on the physical side of BDSM but the mental side is really important. You both want to have to do it and find that space a turn on. It’s not about power and restraint it’s truly about trust and understanding. Talk to each other about why you’re drawn to it and be honest about things you want and activities you want to explore together. Communication is key. |
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