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Dominance advice
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I really struggle to get responses on here and I’ve been told that I’m not people’s type (a LOT) but also that they want dominant people (although I do identify as dominant) - I get told that I don’t seem dominant, I seem a bit submissive (!!), and that I come across as “too nice” (I don’t want to NOT be nice).
Any advice please? What could change in my photos/profile/messages to reflect my actual kink role (dominant)? Any practical advice would be super appreciated. Thanks! For example I know I have to be less of a pushover. Photo advice would be greatly appreciated as I just really struggle to get any replies but yeah, message/profile advice would be super appreciated too. I don’t want to come across as submissive when I’m not.
Please be nice. Thank you. |
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By *elkieWoman 20 weeks ago
Durham |
"I really struggle to get responses on here and I’ve been told that I’m not people’s type (a LOT) but also that they want dominant people (although I do identify as dominant) - I get told that I don’t seem dominant, I seem a bit submissive (!!), and that I come across as “too nice” (I don’t want to NOT be nice).
Any advice please? What could change in my photos/profile/messages to reflect my actual kink role (dominant)? Any practical advice would be super appreciated. Thanks! For example I know I have to be less of a pushover. Photo advice would be greatly appreciated as I just really struggle to get any replies but yeah, message/profile advice would be super appreciated too. I don’t want to come across as submissive when I’m not.
Please be nice. Thank you. "
There’s a saying, that “sadists are the nicest people.” Be yourself. The right people will see you for the awesome human you are, but kink runs on chemistry and chemistry works better in person, so it might be worth trying clubs and events. |
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I...
Why are you so concerned about the perception of dominant or submissive?
It's a dynamic you build with an individual based on how you interact and work together. What does it matter if outsiders view you as one thing when it's nothing to do with them? |
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By (user no longer on site) 20 weeks ago
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There is nothing you can change because what you need to be to attract the right kind of submissive lady for you, is yourself. Your profile is clear and detailed enough, you're attractive. Try not to take rejection personally, who you seek wants you to find them  |
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Thank you! Unfortunately I am just quite an awkward person at first (neurodivergent as fuck) so the first impression I give off isn’t particularly attractive and it’s why I need to know the person online before I meet them in real life so I feel comfortable around them. Vicious circle! |
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In theory I don’t care about it either, but when it’s perceived inaccurately by so many people, I know I’m doing something wrong.
I can’t really change my skin color or height but if I can change things about how I act and look to show off more of my dominant side and be more attractive in general so that I can get replies I’m all down for that. |
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Thank you! I’ve been on and off here for years though and it’s all the same (and get 0 matches on tinder/bumble etc too).
Desperately want to stop self pitying and actually change myself and how I look and act and talk to people! |
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"In theory I don’t care about it either, but when it’s perceived inaccurately by so many people, I know I’m doing something wrong.
I can’t really change my skin color or height but if I can change things about how I act and look to show off more of my dominant side and be more attractive in general so that I can get replies I’m all down for that. "
Plenty of people assume I'm a Domme. Or a sub. It doesn't mean anything.
The people that are right for me see me. There's no point trying to project a particular image when the people that recognise the parts that matter can see them anyway.
Change how you act or look for yourself. Not for other people.
Us neurospicy weirdos do alright, especially when we stop hyperfocusing on the parts that shouldn't matter |
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There are a number of issues at a play. The advice you have received is the excellent advice given by people who (in my view) understand the scene). It is not the case of being "a dominant" but "being the right Dominant for a particular sub".
However most people when discussing BDSM don't understand the scene. They take the view to be "a dominant" you must show dominance in daily life, or exude self-confidence like a stage spotlight and have charisma to float a battleship. They are the people that say dominance is natural, but they are talking about themselves or their particular dominant.There are plenty of subs that look for that kind of dominant.
Also, there are subs, looking for people who are ethical and respectful and who by being themselves meet the sub's submissive requirements. This is a smaller group but they do exist.
But you have to understand what you mean by submission and what you want. Similarly, what is your style of domination, what are you expecting from the submissive.
You also have to demonstrate that you are capable of accepting submission and guiding it (although following on from what I said before there are Doms and subs out there that say that a dominant's personality should be so overwhelming that submissives are emotionally compelled to submit, but that is just a view).
There are good books out there from, Screw the roses give me Thorns, The Domly Dom Manual, The Heart of Dominance, and others.
The basic rule is don't be a dick. A person calling themselves a dominant does not get a free pass from being ethical and respectful. |
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By (user no longer on site) 20 weeks ago
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Pretty much all of my kinky mates are ND, there's lots of us in the scene. Maybe you'd be better off connecting in person where you can read the non verbal cues and feel the energy properly?
Get to some local munches if you can, or kink workshhops, and just talk to people. |
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By (user no longer on site) 20 weeks ago
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Everyone is awkward at their first munch, you can normally message the organisers ahead and let them know and they will make sure to introduce you to some friendly people.
At some point you have to break the cycle. Beyond fear, lies freedom someone wiser than me once said. |
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You have a kind face, not sure if there is much you can do, it's about how you carry yourself.
i am 6'2", been doing medieval fighting for 31 years, so well built, spent 18 years being a (really good ) Doorman and come across way more confident than i am (without being cocky), everyone assumes i am Dom at first.
Try doing some poses but not overproduced pics that are perhaps darker and slightly edgier? |
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"Thank you! Unfortunately I am just quite an awkward person at first (neurodivergent as fuck) so the first impression I give off isn’t particularly attractive and it’s why I need to know the person online before I meet them in real life so I feel comfortable around them. Vicious circle!"
I was a submissive for many years. I didn't seek it out, it happened naturally. I wouldn't start speaking to someone in the hope they would be my dominant because as you say I would have to have some sort of connection there first before I would consider that sort of dynamic with someone so its a catch 22. My advice would just chat to people and hope the d/s happens |
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"I...
Why are you so concerned about the perception of dominant or submissive?
It's a dynamic you build with an individual based on how you interact and work together. What does it matter if outsiders view you as one thing when it's nothing to do with them?"
This 100% |
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By *icentiousCouple 20 weeks ago
Up on them there hills |
Think of you need Dominant advise you need to step back a little and look at yourself.if you need dominating behavioural advice, that is a whole new kettle of kippers.to me, one is based in values, the other in beliefs
. Sometimes it’s worth stepping back a tad and deciding what’s feeding your want. |
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There can be a huge difference between someone’s ’every day’ countenance and their preferred/natural kink persona. If the people you’re talking to don’t understand that, it’s their loss. I’ve had some great kink sessions with doms who in real life look like they wouldn’t say boo to a goose. |
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"I really struggle to get responses on here and I’ve been told that I’m not people’s type (a LOT) but also that they want dominant people (although I do identify as dominant) - I get told that I don’t seem dominant, I seem a bit submissive (!!), and that I come across as “too nice” (I don’t want to NOT be nice).
Any advice please? What could change in my photos/profile/messages to reflect my actual kink role (dominant)? Any practical advice would be super appreciated. Thanks! For example I know I have to be less of a pushover. Photo advice would be greatly appreciated as I just really struggle to get any replies but yeah, message/profile advice would be super appreciated too. I don’t want to come across as submissive when I’m not.
Please be nice. Thank you. "
To me, if you are struggling to apoear dominant, then you are just not naturally dominate .... |
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"I really struggle to get responses on here and I’ve been told that I’m not people’s type (a LOT) but also that they want dominant people (although I do identify as dominant) - I get told that I don’t seem dominant, I seem a bit submissive (!!), and that I come across as “too nice” (I don’t want to NOT be nice).
Any advice please? What could change in my photos/profile/messages to reflect my actual kink role (dominant)? Any practical advice would be super appreciated. Thanks! For example I know I have to be less of a pushover. Photo advice would be greatly appreciated as I just really struggle to get any replies but yeah, message/profile advice would be super appreciated too. I don’t want to come across as submissive when I’m not.
Please be nice. Thank you. "
I genuinely don’t think there is such a thing as a dominant or a submissive. There’s a big difference between how people want to be perceived and how they are. Dominance really is in the eye of the beholder, and how two people make each other feel in the moment is all that counts.
Don’t worry about coming across as dominant, most men who try to end up looking ridiculous and stamp their feet when they don’t get what they want. Just be yourself, not a role. |
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By *oxy jWoman 19 weeks ago
somerset |
dominant is what you have to offer its a part of what some are looking for but at the end of the day its all down to attraction and not ticking of boxes that comes after...
see it all the time on here ..yeah but im a good guy ...kind guy ... oh give me a chance ... i tick all your boxes .... without attraction and other personalities bits the rest is pointless hence its a swinging sex not a sex site ... what your eyes first see is what matters then how you aline and then if you tick boxes...
there is no free rides on this scene free sex just is not swinging  |
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I enjoy reading stories about dominance, but I know it's not something I could do in real life. Frankly I'm just too lazy to keep it up.
Being a good Dom requires great interpersonal skills - you need to instinctively know how your sub will react. One wrong move and you break the spell.
In my experience, neuro-divergent people don't have that level of interpersonal skills. I don't know you at all, but are you sure it shouldn't just stay a fantasy? |
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"I enjoy reading stories about dominance, but I know it's not something I could do in real life. Frankly I'm just too lazy to keep it up.
Being a good Dom requires great interpersonal skills - you need to instinctively know how your sub will react. One wrong move and you break the spell.
In my experience, neuro-divergent people don't have that level of interpersonal skills. I don't know you at all, but are you sure it shouldn't just stay a fantasy?"
That’s a very sweeping assumption, isn’t it? And also massively overlooks how high a proportion of the kink community are ND in some way. |
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"That’s a very sweeping assumption, isn’t it? And also massively overlooks how high a proportion of the kink community are ND in some way. "
As I said, I don't know the OP, so what I say may not apply.
I'm more than happy to bow to your greater knowledge of the kink community, but obviously not everyone in that community is the same, and not every role is the same. So assuming you have some more specific experience to share, I for one would be glad to hear it. |
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"I enjoy reading stories about dominance, but I know it's not something I could do in real life. Frankly I'm just too lazy to keep it up.
Being a good Dom requires great interpersonal skills - you need to instinctively know how your sub will react. One wrong move and you break the spell.
In my experience, neuro-divergent people don't have that level of interpersonal skills. I don't know you at all, but are you sure it shouldn't just stay a fantasy?"
In our experience clear communication is key to a good D/s dynamic, and NV people have been excellent at communicating their needs. |
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"I enjoy reading stories about dominance, but I know it's not something I could do in real life. Frankly I'm just too lazy to keep it up."
For me, i think that is the key bit folks are missing.... It's not a part that 'you play'...
You either are naturally dominant, and it's obvious in ALL your interactions across your real life, not just sexual life.
.... or you aren't. In which case you might play a fun scenario in the bedroom, but you will never have the D mentality or connection..and that's also fine... But you can't be what you are not and i don't think you should force yourself to be a square peg if you are naturally a round peg
You can usually tell the difference once you start to talk to people - you can quickly pick up if they have that steel core or not.
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"I enjoy reading stories about dominance, but I know it's not something I could do in real life. Frankly I'm just too lazy to keep it up.
For me, i think that is the key bit folks are missing.... It's not a part that 'you play'...
You either are naturally dominant, and it's obvious in ALL your interactions across your real life, not just sexual life.
.... or you aren't. In which case you might play a fun scenario in the bedroom, but you will never have the D mentality or connection..and that's also fine... But you can't be what you are not and i don't think you should force yourself to be a square peg if you are naturally a round peg
You can usually tell the difference once you start to talk to people - you can quickly pick up if they have that steel core or not.
"
Although I agree that Dominance has to be natural, and a personality trait. I would with respect disagree that it requires the dictionary definition of being dominant. An easy rebuttal is of people who are dictionary dominant at work but submissive in kink relationships. Conversely, do we really know what the quiet person at work gets up to in their spare time.
People are free to disagree but for me the hallmark of D/s is power/authority exchange. If a submissive enters into that kind of relationship, the other person is the Dominant. Everything else tacked onto being a "Dominant" is submissive preference and gate keeping.
A friend told me the other day she could not be dominated by someone who switched. But someone else could be dominated by a switch, it is just gatekeeping.
Another friend told me about someone who came to do work at her house and he had air of command about him. But having an air of command, charisma or personality does not make someone a Dominant, would that person care about the submissive's needs.
I quote this from Anton Fulman's Heart of Dominance " The work of dominance is to enable or inspire submission. We don’t make our partners submit; we create the opportunity for them to submit. Maybe that sounds like I’m just saying the same thing in a different way, but understanding the difference between making someone submit and enabling them to submit is crucially important to dominating well."
This is also why so many submissives end up in bad situations. They have the idea/stereotype that Dominance is about being naturely masterly and charismatic and enter into relationships with that kind of Dominant only to find that narcissists and sociopaths have those characteristics. The point being submission is individual and has its own needs, if those needs are not met Domly charisma is not enough. Therefore, my view is the submissive and Dominant should mirror each other in their personal needs for D/s, (clearly the relationship requirements of a one-off scene will be different from a full blown relationship).
One last example. I was talking to a friend last night who is thinking of being a Domme and is not enjoying it. She was explaining she was not enjoying the impact play. So I asked her why did she feel she should dominate. She said she was with a submissive who misbehaved and she automatically corrected his behavior and made him give service. Her own words "my inner Domme came out". So I suggested junk the impact play and explore what she craves, may be female lead relationships and or being a strict mistress. It can be a case of finding the right style and right partner to find one's authentic dominance.
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"You either are naturally dominant, and it's obvious in ALL your interactions across your real life, not just sexual life.
.... or you aren't. In which case you might play a fun scenario in the bedroom, but you will never have the D mentality or connection..and that's also fine... But you can't be what you are not and i don't think you should force yourself to be a square peg if you are naturally a round peg
You can usually tell the difference once you start to talk to people - you can quickly pick up if they have that steel core or not.
Although I agree that Dominance has to be natural, and a personality trait. I would with respect disagree that it requires the dictionary definition of being dominant. An easy rebuttal is of people who are dictionary dominant at work but submissive in kink relationships. Conversely, do we really know what the quiet person at work gets up to in their spare time.
People are free to disagree but for me the hallmark of D/s is power/authority exchange. If a submissive enters into that kind of relationship, the other person is the Dominant. Everything else tacked onto being a "Dominant" is submissive preference and gate keeping.
A friend told me the other day she could not be dominated by someone who switched. But someone else could be dominated by a switch, it is just gatekeeping.
"
I think we are in agreement that you can be dominant in your work /family life and submissive in a kink relationship (that description is actually me)... However i am only s to people who 'are worthy' of my submission (i mean this in a humble way)
But I don't think you can be submissive in working /home life and flip to being D in your sexual life?
For me that is what I mean about talking to people and seeing their core - i might not be explaining myself very well! I don't think i could give my submission to a naturally submissive person who is D in their kink life?
On your second point I'm not sure if i could be submissive to someone who switches - I can't explain why.. But conversely if i didn't know they switched would i be able to tell? I don't know??
I still come back to, why would you try to be something that you aren't? Embrace and enjoy who /what you are? |
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"You either are naturally dominant, and it's obvious in ALL your interactions across your real life, not just sexual life.
.... or you aren't. In which case you might play a fun scenario in the bedroom, but you will never have the D mentality or connection..and that's also fine... But you can't be what you are not and i don't think you should force yourself to be a square peg if you are naturally a round peg
You can usually tell the difference once you start to talk to people - you can quickly pick up if they have that steel core or not.
Although I agree that Dominance has to be natural, and a personality trait. I would with respect disagree that it requires the dictionary definition of being dominant. An easy rebuttal is of people who are dictionary dominant at work but submissive in kink relationships. Conversely, do we really know what the quiet person at work gets up to in their spare time.
People are free to disagree but for me the hallmark of D/s is power/authority exchange. If a submissive enters into that kind of relationship, the other person is the Dominant. Everything else tacked onto being a "Dominant" is submissive preference and gate keeping.
A friend told me the other day she could not be dominated by someone who switched. But someone else could be dominated by a switch, it is just gatekeeping.
I think we are in agreement that you can be dominant in your work /family life and submissive in a kink relationship (that description is actually me)... However i am only s to people who 'are worthy' of my submission (i mean this in a humble way)
But I don't think you can be submissive in working /home life and flip to being D in your sexual life?
For me that is what I mean about talking to people and seeing their core - i might not be explaining myself very well! I don't think i could give my submission to a naturally submissive person who is D in their kink life?
On your second point I'm not sure if i could be submissive to someone who switches - I can't explain why.. But conversely if i didn't know they switched would i be able to tell? I don't know??
I still come back to, why would you try to be something that you aren't? Embrace and enjoy who /what you are? "
But are they naturally submissive? Who is to say that their kink self isn’t their true self? Show me a person who is confident and ‘dominant’ in every situation and I’ll show you someone so lacking in self awareness that they don’t know what’s going on. People who display ’dominance’ at all times tend to be those people who don’t have the confidence to behave in any other way.
Dominance and submission are situational, they’re not personality traits. |
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"You either are naturally dominant, and it's obvious in ALL your interactions across your real life, not just sexual life.
.... or you aren't. In which case you might play a fun scenario in the bedroom, but you will never have the D mentality or connection..and that's also fine... But you can't be what you are not and i don't think you should force yourself to be a square peg if you are naturally a round peg
You can usually tell the difference once you start to talk to people - you can quickly pick up if they have that steel core or not.
Although I agree that Dominance has to be natural, and a personality trait. I would with respect disagree that it requires the dictionary definition of being dominant. An easy rebuttal is of people who are dictionary dominant at work but submissive in kink relationships. Conversely, do we really know what the quiet person at work gets up to in their spare time.
People are free to disagree but for me the hallmark of D/s is power/authority exchange. If a submissive enters into that kind of relationship, the other person is the Dominant. Everything else tacked onto being a "Dominant" is submissive preference and gate keeping.
A friend told me the other day she could not be dominated by someone who switched. But someone else could be dominated by a switch, it is just gatekeeping.
I think we are in agreement that you can be dominant in your work /family life and submissive in a kink relationship (that description is actually me)... However i am only s to people who 'are worthy' of my submission (i mean this in a humble way)
But I don't think you can be submissive in working /home life and flip to being D in your sexual life?
For me that is what I mean about talking to people and seeing their core - i might not be explaining myself very well! I don't think i could give my submission to a naturally submissive person who is D in their kink life?
On your second point I'm not sure if i could be submissive to someone who switches - I can't explain why.. But conversely if i didn't know they switched would i be able to tell? I don't know??
I still come back to, why would you try to be something that you aren't? Embrace and enjoy who /what you are?
But are they naturally submissive? Who is to say that their kink self isn’t their true self? Show me a person who is confident and ‘dominant’ in every situation and I’ll show you someone so lacking in self awareness that they don’t know what’s going on. People who display ’dominance’ at all times tend to be those people who don’t have the confidence to behave in any other way.
Dominance and submission are situational, they’re not personality traits."
I’d completely agree with this. How you act in every day life has no bearing on how you might enjoy being in a dynamic - in either direction. It’s exactly the polar opposite of the usual example of a busy male CEO enjoying submission - why can’t someone who follows instructions at work enjoy bossing someone around in the bedroom? Whilst I agree submission is earned, that’s through trust and connection, which doesn’t need to be only based on sexy-times interactions.
But then again, I’m a switch, what the hell do I know?! |
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We all follow instructions in some way shape or form (laws, rules, codes of conduct, cooking guides etc.) and in so doing does not make someone a submissive any more than being a traffic warden, event steward or person directing others makes someone a dominant.
I also don’t see how submission is a gift or has to be earned, unless you also agree that a persons dominance is equally a gift and needing to be earned. It is after all a power exchange isn’t it? |
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"You either are naturally dominant, and it's obvious in ALL your interactions across your real life, not just sexual life.
.... or you aren't. In which case you might play a fun scenario in the bedroom, but you will never have the D mentality or connection..and that's also fine... But you can't be what you are not and i don't think you should force yourself to be a square peg if you are naturally a round peg
You can usually tell the difference once you start to talk to people - you can quickly pick up if they have that steel core or not.
Although I agree that Dominance has to be natural, and a personality trait. I would with respect disagree that it requires the dictionary definition of being dominant. An easy rebuttal is of people who are dictionary dominant at work but submissive in kink relationships. Conversely, do we really know what the quiet person at work gets up to in their spare time.
People are free to disagree but for me the hallmark of D/s is power/authority exchange. If a submissive enters into that kind of relationship, the other person is the Dominant. Everything else tacked onto being a "Dominant" is submissive preference and gate keeping.
A friend told me the other day she could not be dominated by someone who switched. But someone else could be dominated by a switch, it is just gatekeeping.
I think we are in agreement that you can be dominant in your work /family life and submissive in a kink relationship (that description is actually me)... However i am only s to people who 'are worthy' of my submission (i mean this in a humble way)
But I don't think you can be submissive in working /home life and flip to being D in your sexual life?
For me that is what I mean about talking to people and seeing their core - i might not be explaining myself very well! I don't think i could give my submission to a naturally submissive person who is D in their kink life?
On your second point I'm not sure if i could be submissive to someone who switches - I can't explain why.. But conversely if i didn't know they switched would i be able to tell? I don't know??
I still come back to, why would you try to be something that you aren't? Embrace and enjoy who /what you are?
But are they naturally submissive? Who is to say that their kink self isn’t their true self? Show me a person who is confident and ‘dominant’ in every situation and I’ll show you someone so lacking in self awareness that they don’t know what’s going on. People who display ’dominance’ at all times tend to be those people who don’t have the confidence to behave in any other way.
Dominance and submission are situational, they’re not personality traits.
I’d completely agree with this. How you act in every day life has no bearing on how you might enjoy being in a dynamic - in either direction. It’s exactly the polar opposite of the usual example of a busy male CEO enjoying submission - why can’t someone who follows instructions at work enjoy bossing someone around in the bedroom? Whilst I agree submission is earned, that’s through trust and connection, which doesn’t need to be only based on sexy-times interactions.
But then again, I’m a switch, what the hell do I know?!"
Very much this, in the same way that a person who is powerful and dominant in the workplace can crave submission, surely someone who has a role that involves taking orders can be dominant in other areas of their life? Otherwise, unless you are being dominated by the CEO etc. of a company then you are being dominated by someone who submits in their non kink life?
I think we all imbue the people we find attractive with the qualities we want them to have, and ignore the things we don’t want to see. Its perfectly natural but very self deluding. |
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