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Please help - Relationship advice
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By *ent23 OP Man 50 weeks ago
Canterbury |
Sorry if this isn’t the right place but feel like I really need some advice.
I have been with my wife 25 years. We are generally very happy and have a good life apart from when it comes to sex. Both of us are limited experience wise with both of us only ever having two sexual partners.
I have a very high sex drive and will regularly masturbate daily and the Mrs has a pretty low sex drive. We have some form of intimacy at least once a week, usually just playing with each other and sometimes full on sex. We both seem to enjoy this when it happens.
My issue here is that we are totally not sexually compatible. I have a kinky mind, want my wife all the time, love buying her lingerie, toys, watching porn and love the thought of having a threesome and going to clubs albeit it would be a bit daunting to start with.
In 25 years my wife has bought one piece of lingerie but she will happily use the vibrators I got her and will sometimes play with a dildo if I get it out. She does dress up for special occasions but the lingerie wearing is not a regular thing which I would like.
I do know she does play with herself when the feeling arises and she likes erotica but she’s not that keen on porn and if we do ever put it on she likes to have the volume down.
She is also not keen on what I would call mainstream sex stuff. For example she doesn’t like giving bjs and usually does it if I have a condom on. She doesn’t like me licking her pussy although will let me do it. She is not into anything anal related and doesn’t ask me to fuck her although she does like doggy style when we do have full sex.
When she does get into the mood she can be a bit kinky with talking about other guys fucking her and getting fingered in bars etc but she always says these are just fantasies.
Sorry realise I’m just ranting here.
I love my wife to bits but really don’t know what our future looks like. Should I put such a high importance on sex when everything else is so good?. She is loyal and a fantastic mum and works hard at everything else.
I must add she is also in the perimenopause phase so I know she is going through a tough time but the sexual issues isn’t a recent thing and has always been there as we are just not on the same page.
Any ideas, thoughts would be welcome. I feel like I am missing out on so much sexual wise which I would love to fulfill with my wife which is why I have never cheated.
Thanks for reading! |
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By *ent23 OP Man 50 weeks ago
Canterbury |
Thanks call me.
I am trying to figure out if I’m just being a dick and unreasonable or whether we are truly not compatible and want totally different things sexually and where I go from here.
I don’t think she would ever entertain me going off and fulfilling my desires either. We have talked about all of this stuff on and off for years but she just sees it a me demanding things and that she can never make me happy and that there will always be more things. |
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By *ent23 OP Man 50 weeks ago
Canterbury |
Thanks pinky.
I’m not sure the Mrs would be up for that although I do think she resents me and says she is sick of being made to feel she is wrong all the time and I’m always suggesting ways she should be different. |
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"Honestly OP, a lot of people would love a marriage where they get on, have intimacy at least once a week, have kids that are well looked after etc. Nurture what you have and enjoy."
This is very good advice. I know married guys who get no intimacy at all. I think you're in a better position than most tbh. Savour what you've got as it sounds like you have a lovely wife. If masturbating once a day is not enough then do it twice or three times. |
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"Thanks raw for the advice. I really do live my wife and everything else is fantastic it’s just this one element which is important to me that we struggle with."
In the absence of your wife's voice, it really just sounds as though you are the one who's struggling |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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When we first got together we had the same not talk about what we really want, after three months we had a sit down and said…. These are our sexual needs, I’m sorry if these are deal breakers.
Twenty years on … we still talk perv now and again about our fab meets |
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"Thanks pinky.
I’m not sure the Mrs would be up for that although I do think she resents me and says she is sick of being made to feel she is wrong all the time and I’m always suggesting ways she should be different. "
Are you always suggesting ways she should be different?
Ps the reply+quote button lets you quote the post you're replying to  |
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"Thanks raw for the advice. I really do live my wife and everything else is fantastic it’s just this one element which is important to me that we struggle with.
In the absence of your wife's voice, it really just sounds as though you are the one who's struggling "
That's not OK either tho, is it? |
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I'm not being rude here OP but have a read through what you have written. There are a few things you have said she doesn't like but she does it anyway.
Maybe she feels like she has to do these things for you but have you tried to talk to her and find out what you can actually do for her?
Sex is not satisfying when you are just doing stuff you don't particularly enjoy just to keep someone else happy. |
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By *ent23 OP Man 50 weeks ago
Canterbury |
"Thanks pinky.
I’m not sure the Mrs would be up for that although I do think she resents me and says she is sick of being made to feel she is wrong all the time and I’m always suggesting ways she should be different.
Are you always suggesting ways she should be different?
Ps the reply+quote button lets you quote the post you're replying to "
I don’t think I’m always suggesting ways she should be different but I have said things in the past. I guess I just wished we were on the same page a bit more. She rarely has any naughty ideas and I guess being on here and seeing women being naughty has opened my eyes |
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By *ent23 OP Man 50 weeks ago
Canterbury |
"I'm not being rude here OP but have a read through what you have written. There are a few things you have said she doesn't like but she does it anyway.
Maybe she feels like she has to do these things for you but have you tried to talk to her and find out what you can actually do for her?
Sex is not satisfying when you are just doing stuff you don't particularly enjoy just to keep someone else happy. "
I will do anything sexually she asks, I’m open to trying anything but she rarely asks me to do anything specific. She just seems to lack ideas or things just don’t pop into her head.
I obviously want her to enjoy herself so she wants to do it again and again. She seems quite content to do it once a week, the same ways each time and doesn’t want to explore different things |
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"Thanks pinky.
I’m not sure the Mrs would be up for that although I do think she resents me and says she is sick of being made to feel she is wrong all the time and I’m always suggesting ways she should be different.
Are you always suggesting ways she should be different?
Ps the reply+quote button lets you quote the post you're replying to
I don’t think I’m always suggesting ways she should be different but I have said things in the past. I guess I just wished we were on the same page a bit more. She rarely has any naughty ideas and I guess being on here and seeing women being naughty has opened my eyes "
So you do want her to be different. She probably feels that. Don't compare her to the women you see on fab, you don't know their background.
Someone suggested couples counselling and I think that might help you communicate in a non threatening way where you both feel heard. |
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By *ent23 OP Man 50 weeks ago
Canterbury |
"Thanks pinky.
I’m not sure the Mrs would be up for that although I do think she resents me and says she is sick of being made to feel she is wrong all the time and I’m always suggesting ways she should be different.
Are you always suggesting ways she should be different?
Ps the reply+quote button lets you quote the post you're replying to
I don’t think I’m always suggesting ways she should be different but I have said things in the past. I guess I just wished we were on the same page a bit more. She rarely has any naughty ideas and I guess being on here and seeing women being naughty has opened my eyes
So you do want her to be different. She probably feels that. Don't compare her to the women you see on fab, you don't know their background.
Someone suggested couples counselling and I think that might help you communicate in a non threatening way where you both feel heard. "
Thanks, yes I think counselling might be a good approach |
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"Thanks pinky.
I’m not sure the Mrs would be up for that although I do think she resents me and says she is sick of being made to feel she is wrong all the time and I’m always suggesting ways she should be different.
Are you always suggesting ways she should be different?
Ps the reply+quote button lets you quote the post you're replying to
I don’t think I’m always suggesting ways she should be different but I have said things in the past. I guess I just wished we were on the same page a bit more. She rarely has any naughty ideas and I guess being on here and seeing women being naughty has opened my eyes
So you do want her to be different. She probably feels that. Don't compare her to the women you see on fab, you don't know their background.
Someone suggested couples counselling and I think that might help you communicate in a non threatening way where you both feel heard.
Thanks, yes I think counselling might be a good approach "
Good luck to you both. |
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By *ent23 OP Man 50 weeks ago
Canterbury |
"Thanks pinky.
I’m not sure the Mrs would be up for that although I do think she resents me and says she is sick of being made to feel she is wrong all the time and I’m always suggesting ways she should be different.
Are you always suggesting ways she should be different?
Ps the reply+quote button lets you quote the post you're replying to
I don’t think I’m always suggesting ways she should be different but I have said things in the past. I guess I just wished we were on the same page a bit more. She rarely has any naughty ideas and I guess being on here and seeing women being naughty has opened my eyes
So you do want her to be different. She probably feels that. Don't compare her to the women you see on fab, you don't know their background.
Someone suggested couples counselling and I think that might help you communicate in a non threatening way where you both feel heard.
Thanks, yes I think counselling might be a good approach
Good luck to you both. "
Thanks |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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Have you discussed this properly, as in sitting her down and saying this is how I feel? It’s very easy also for these conversations to sound critical and accusatory which is why counselling might be helpful to direct these conversations in a healthy and constructive way.
It’s hard - we all have a right to a sex life that we find fulfilling. But when we enter into a relationship, we have to accept that we may have different needs, possibly at different times, sometimes through throughout the relationship. You either need to come up with a way to meet in the middle or work out something you both enjoy.
If you have conversations about this, try to come from a place of curiosity about her needs, not “I really want these things, how can we make it happe” because that will feel like pressure and criticism, particularly if she’s already sensitive about that.
L |
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I would say you have it pretty good. You have sex weekly. She verbalises her erotic fantasies about involving others. Lots of women don’t like porn. I have never watched porn with my partner as she has no interest but clearly that doesn’t mean she has a low sex drive or is a prude. Neither, like many women, does she introductory often or dress up for sex( that’s probably on me as I prefer naked though). Because your wife doesn’t do what you like doesn’t mean you are incompatible. Find out what you both like. Hardly any women want to bring a third or fourth into their sex life. If that is a deal breaker, you could be incompatible, but is that the end of the world? I would suggest talking. |
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By *ent23 OP Man 50 weeks ago
Canterbury |
Thanks everyone for the advice.
We had a good chat last night and we both realise we hurt each other in different ways and need to work on things to find common ground. We can’t change what has been said in the past but we can focus on the future. |
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"Honestly OP, a lot of people would love a marriage where they get on, have intimacy at least once a week, have kids that are well looked after etc. Nurture what you have and enjoy."
Pretty much this.
However, a celibate life was not for me, (not just “vanilla”, completely sexless, zilch, nada) so after years of going round in circles, marriage counselling etc, we agreed to open the marriage. It has been working for 3-4 years so far. and I appreciate that not all spouses will be open to the idea. |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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Hi OP, consider yourself lucky if ye have sex weekly, seriously, some women go off sex after child birth & there's many sexless marriages for a variety of reasons, you seem to have a healthy enough relationship imho.
I understand you want to spice things up a bit, do ye go away much on your own, maybe that's all ye need, a night away from the norm,
Best of Luck anyway...... |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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OP as others have said, sounds like you have a pretty hood relationship albeit with a few issues which could be resolved with good communication.
Just remember real sex is not like porn ... so if you are after the excitement and fantasy of what porn is portraying then in reality you are likely to be disappointed.
Grass may seem greener on the other side but is it worth risking what you have now? |
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