FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Surprisingly difficult as a couple
Surprisingly difficult as a couple
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More of an observation really…
Our Male half had a single profile for a few years and would say that it was difficult getting attention at times and you would work hard to stand out and have great verifications. Saying that, although different, a couples dynamic is also really hard! So many messages of no interest but very hard to approach people who are actually fun and have good banter. Single females are our first preference although notoriously hard to find unicorns, couples seemingly are only interested in full swap situations which is not ideal as our female half is very new to this and wants to try certain things and progress at a level that she is comfortable with.
Realistically are clubs the only way forward for her to gain experience? We both love the social aspect but fear this is where we are stuck
Thanks |
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Couples are incredibly difficult, finding 4 way mutual attraction.....it can often feel like someone is bending their preferences to suit the other.
We would suggest clubs, some do couples and single lady events, and also group socials are a great way to meet people.
Mr. |
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We have attended a few group socials which are a great laugh but not had too much luck coming away from it. The emphasis is on our female half having fun and feeling secure, Male half just wants to support that |
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Welcome to Fab as a couple! You'll get messages off profiles who don't interest you, one line messages, messages off f@ke profiles, messages off couples with only photos of the Lady. Clubs are a good call, that's where many actual genuine swingers go, many couples are happy to soft swap also. You get to actually see what they look and talk like. |
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Believe it or not it's hard for us single ladies too!
Every couple likes looking, thinking about a single lady - but when it actually comes to doing - very few follow through!
My time waster couple rate (purely through here) has been 100% for some time - where there is attraction on both sides.
Some female halves of couples view us single ladies as a threat, the man says yes the lady says no...
From my perspective swinging is very much a couples lifestyle with us singles left feeling like spare parts for much of the time (left more than one private party feeling that way). |
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Male led unicorn hunting profiles will always get a lower response rate. It’s an extra layer of arseache and a longer lime to value, not to mention the risk of coercion or outright surprise of the other party. It’s just not worth wasting time engaging with them. Equally guys also get super jealous especially when I don’t want to fuck them and only play with Ms. When I play with women, the Male half always often feels like they want to direct or engage in a way that is unhelpful and downright distracting.
If Ms were leading the search and making the connections and reaching out, I suspect you’d have a better result. Equally have you considered her going to F only nights (there’s lots of them). To get her “experience up”?
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We find it incredibly difficult, possibly due to the way we play we find couples and single women aren't interested. We have more luck with single guys but still, even with as much due diligence as we can, we still get 70% no-shows.
We definitely found it easier give years ago when we started, so not sure if it's the site and it's users, us getting older, or us refining our dynamic and becoming more niche. |
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We’re a little baffled to hear about some of these issues as personally we rarely have any issues. In all our time in the lifestyle only one couple didn’t follow through on the planned meet and kindly messaged us. |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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"Believe it or not it's hard for us single ladies too!
Every couple likes looking, thinking about a single lady - but when it actually comes to doing - very few follow through!
My time waster couple rate (purely through here) has been 100% for some time - where there is attraction on both sides.
Some female halves of couples view us single ladies as a threat, the man says yes the lady says no...
From my perspective swinging is very much a couples lifestyle with us singles left feeling like spare parts for much of the time (left more than one private party feeling that way). "
I agree with all the above. My experience in the past chatting to couples with a view to meet has been bad. In fact some of the worst abusive messages I have received on Fab has been from couples profiles (from people I have been chatting to). Very often it is only the man up for it or a female is wanted for the inexperienced F to try FF with.
I haven't actively looked for a couple for FMF for several years now, because of this
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By *irsSubCouple 47 weeks ago
Stockton |
We tend to go to clubs, we put a meet request up a couple of days before, and message any couples who have done the same. Seems to sort the wheat from the chaff, and worst case we enjoy playing with each other in club.
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Like a previous poster, we can’t say we’re struggling either, but we have found a lot of people who clearly don’t even start reading our profile, or contact us when it’s clear we’re not what they’re looking for or vice versa so on…
We have found out what ghosting means…it’s not at all unusual for conversations to just stop dead for no obvious reason…at the end of the day though, it depends what you’re looking for and you just have to tailor your approach accordingly… we’re not looking for lots of meets, for example, just a few high quality ones (‘normal’ life is incredibly busy, so even an occasional meet can be challenging)….on the other hand, if we wanted one each week, we’d almost certainly need to go to clubs etc (again, as others have said…) |
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It's hard for couples as others have said & you're looking for the most sought after demographic, bi ladies.
So, you're competing with many other couples, men and even other ladies for one.
Clubs tend to be an easier way for couples to meet fems, according to other threads on this subject.
Remember with another woman there has to be a 3 way attraction.
With couples it's just as tough as you have to factor in everyone's availability and hope that there's attraction between you all. |
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It might seem a bit counter productive but would you consider creating a profile just for her to talk/meet other bi curious woman.
She can be honest on the profile and explain her situation and even share with you the hot stuff.
Couples are difficult to deal with sometimes as it’s difficult to intimately interact with whatever half you’re interested in as they may have limitations.
I get you want to experience things as a couple but 3 way intimacy is difficult to achieve via message never mind when things get physical. |
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"Clubs are definitely the way forward, you can do as much or as little as you choose to with zero pressure. "
We agree with this and really enjoy our club visits. Fab and messaging apps can be such hard work, so at least in a club you get to meet a variety of like-minded, 'real' people |
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"It is certainly much harder on here the last few years, decline started 6 months or so before covid hit. We're only finding timewasters and fakes now  , same issue with both couples and singles !."
100% agree with this observation. It used to be so much easier meet years ago. |
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"It might seem a bit counter productive but would you consider creating a profile just for her to talk/meet other bi curious woman.
She can be honest on the profile and explain her situation and even share with you the hot stuff.
Couples are difficult to deal with sometimes as it’s difficult to intimately interact with whatever half you’re interested in as they may have limitations.
I get you want to experience things as a couple but 3 way intimacy is difficult to achieve via message never mind when things get physical."
As both a woman in a couple and having a single woman profile...it's an immediate block if a single female profile approaches me but only meets with their male partner...my single profile is purely to meet alone and no mention of my partner happens on it. |
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"It might seem a bit counter productive but would you consider creating a profile just for her to talk/meet other bi curious woman.
She can be honest on the profile and explain her situation and even share with you the hot stuff.
Couples are difficult to deal with sometimes as it’s difficult to intimately interact with whatever half you’re interested in as they may have limitations.
I get you want to experience things as a couple but 3 way intimacy is difficult to achieve via message never mind when things get physical.
As both a woman in a couple and having a single woman profile...it's an immediate block if a single female profile approaches me but only meets with their male partner...my single profile is purely to meet alone and no mention of my partner happens on it. "
It is another Fab truth that ‘most’ single female profiles actually turn out to have some form of significant other not far in the background. |
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"It is certainly much harder on here the last few years, decline started 6 months or so before covid hit. We're only finding timewasters and fakes now , same issue with both couples and singles !.
100% agree with this observation. It used to be so much easier meet years ago."
Agreed it was way easier. Now it's become a lot more complicated. Plus my age might put some guys off too.
I dont see couples,unless it's MM but it can be hard work as a single lady too if that's any consolation. |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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Fab is hard for anyone because it involves dealing with people. Different objectives, different outlooks, different approaches (not to mention those who say one thing and do another) - all makes it hard to find someone compatible. Throw in four-way attraction and it’s really difficult.
I agree with what others have said about clubs and socials. With the best will in the world, there has to be an attraction for play to take place so at least that’s one box picked up front. Plus, attraction is about a whole lot more than you can see in a few photos.
L |
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"It might seem a bit counter productive but would you consider creating a profile just for her to talk/meet other bi curious woman.
She can be honest on the profile and explain her situation and even share with you the hot stuff.
Couples are difficult to deal with sometimes as it’s difficult to intimately interact with whatever half you’re interested in as they may have limitations.
I get you want to experience things as a couple but 3 way intimacy is difficult to achieve via message never mind when things get physical.
As both a woman in a couple and having a single woman profile...it's an immediate block if a single female profile approaches me but only meets with their male partner...my single profile is purely to meet alone and no mention of my partner happens on it. "
I meant for her to play alone, she might find it easier to relax and enjoy female intimacy, the threesome might add to much pressure. |
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By *enaiWoman 47 weeks ago
worcester |
I'm not bothering with any more couples.
I've chatted with so.many and yet never met a single couple.
Putting aside the liars, the sad sick men who pretend to be a couple......
Trying to get one person to meet is almost impossible
Trying to align 2 people is like trying to get planets to line up.
Total waste of time
Won't bother in future |
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"It might seem a bit counter productive but would you consider creating a profile just for her to talk/meet other bi curious woman.
She can be honest on the profile and explain her situation and even share with you the hot stuff.
Couples are difficult to deal with sometimes as it’s difficult to intimately interact with whatever half you’re interested in as they may have limitations.
I get you want to experience things as a couple but 3 way intimacy is difficult to achieve via message never mind when things get physical.
As both a woman in a couple and having a single woman profile...it's an immediate block if a single female profile approaches me but only meets with their male partner...my single profile is purely to meet alone and no mention of my partner happens on it.
I meant for her to play alone, she might find it easier to relax and enjoy female intimacy, the threesome might add to much pressure."
This!!! 100% agree |
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By *orelloCouple 47 weeks ago
Hitchin |
As a couple for us it's finding couples we're both attracted to. That's the tricky bit. Also if we meet singles We've always had a great time, couples isn't the case so we're now less inclined to look.
We don't need to have message ping pong either, if you look good in photos we meet and if you're a laugh and we both fancy you....happy days! |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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Our difficulty is finding couples attracted to us and vice versa.
We are large and usually too large for most people and that also goes for bigger folks as well.
Another hurdle is Mrs is straight but flexible but unsure how flexible she is and most aern't willing to take things slowly.
We also like to get to know a couple first to make sure everyone gets along.
Then there is the added issue of only meeting couples at clubs if play does happen. |
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"couples seemingly are only interested in full swap situations"
Funnily enough, you'll find that couples tend to prefer both people having fun. Otherwise it's not really any different for them than a single male meet. |
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We’ve only found a few couples on here honestly, majority of our swinging experiences is at the club, we go mostly of connection more than looks (not to say we have no standards, we still all need to have some sort of attraction to one another)
Unicorns are so difficult to find though! I wouldn’t mind if my man plays with a woman with me joining or with me watching but that’s not happened other than in foursomes with couples
It is extremely difficult for couples to all find each other attractive, we have this problem a lot as I’m ally younger than my man but we don’t have that problem at clubs, like I said connection is the biggest thing for us, we can get more attracted just by how well we get on together and having a laugh even if it doesn’t lead to play
I suppose it’s down to how much of an attraction you all feel you must have.. it’s not easy finding a couple that are both 10/10s who also find you both 10/10 yano so maybe focus more on connection than looks |
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Op try finding organised socials in your area where you can chat with people and get to know the lay of the land as such and try making connections with single ladies at these events and you may find that it may help. We also think that the actual written part of your profile is a big deal too think of it as like a job application where your trying to stnd out and be different from everyone else and you will find that it may help improve your time on the site and probably most importantly have fun people like to join fun couples and just take things at your own pace and don't get pushed into something that you don't want to be involved with and good luck to you both. Feel free to message us if you would like to chat and see if we can assist you further. And just to clarify we don't want mail from single males |
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It's always going to be a challenge introducing a new partner to this lifestyle.
I have a preference to play with experienced swingers because often ...people do get in over their head and are not clear about what they want and what their boundaries are.
that said I ended up the first time at a club with a new playmate because I was waiting for him to make a move and he was waiting to make a move. Lol!
He was new to the club but I was a regular. Anxiety can make men go soft or come too quickly so I try not to push new men too hard. Lol!
It takes time and verifications and patience. You will get their in the end. |
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We were both singles on the scene when we met. Although I had a bit more experience under my belt as (reasonably successful IMO) single male we both know what it's like as a single to compare against being a couple.
Its a misconception fab is easier as a couple. I would say in many ways its easier for us as individuals to find people than as a couple. Maybe that's partly on us because we are fussy so finding someone/s we like is extra difficult when there is two vetos at play. I think we find 3 way or more way chemistry more challenging. Plus we really enjoyed the sex we have as a couple so we're just not always looking for others (I know terible swingers). However when we find that perfect chemistry with the right person/couple/group it's an awesome thing and well worth the wait. We've had some awesome experiences and made some great memories over the years with others. And of course made some really close friends on the scene too.
We're mainly club/party swingers. We find the best way to meet people is out in the real world. There's no hours of shifting through profiles, sending messages and making arrangements around others. Just simply find a club/event on day convenient to you and go. When you meet people in person you often know pretty quickly if the chemistry is there or not. If it is you're in the right place to take it further. If it not you can move on to find others. You're not putting all your eggs in one basket like an arranged meet. And if you get on really well there if nothing stopping you swapping details and arranging stuff outside of a club. We have had good freinds for years who we originally met in a clubs ans swapped details. And everyone's dynamic is different. We play as a couple but occasionally there are times when there's not a 3 way attraction and do send each other off to play alone for a bit. Clubs offer a far easier way to meet people and far more flexibility. |
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"Much easier to find a match in a club setting.
Eliminates the timewasters plus the added benefit of having a few dozen swingers all in same location for a few hours. "
I would say this!!!! I probably chat to more people in a club than I do on fabs |
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As a couple it's hard to find exactly what your looking for specially if it involves only the female half of the other couple playing
Not many male halves of a couple will be willing to sit and watch while his wife has fun with both of you but he isn't able to join in
That's why we only look for couples who are interested in 4 way play be it soft or hard play xx
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Clubs are the way forward for you. You'll have trouble finding a couple where there isn't much in it for them (because F doesn't know how much/if she wants to get involved) - we wouldn't want to commit our time to that to be perfectly honest as we know what we like and it's not that. However in a club you can see what happens and stop at any time with no hard feelings and no special effort made by the other couple and just take it at her pace. |
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It seems that all members have different challenges based on their gender/sexuality makeup:
Single women - flooded with messages, hard to sort the good ones
Single men - huge “competition”, hard to stand out without sounding like an asshole
MF Couples - difficult to find the right dynamics, plenty of “competition”
TV/TS/CD - (I assume) hard to find the right person, and not be a fetish object
And that’s without factors like location - e.g. it must be easier if you’re in somewhere like London or Manchester rather than, say Inverness |
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Almost impossible for a single male unless you have a six pack or a 8 inch 🍆, I’ve sent so many polite messages with no response or if I do get a negative response I always say thanks I’m starting to give up now |
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By *aTraCouple 42 weeks ago
london |
Clubs. Everyone has already taken the first step to be there and you will know so much quicker if there is a connection. Also, 'whos near' on moible when we are abroad has been very interesting  |
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"Maybe a club takeover event where there is a chat group in the lead up. We have found that you get to know a little about people before you meet them and that helps a lot. "
This has now been our angle. Club play have an events chat and clubs definitely seem the best way forward. |
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"Maybe a club takeover event where there is a chat group in the lead up. We have found that you get to know a little about people before you meet them and that helps a lot. "
It’s interesting how club chats are marmite. I can’t bear them. I won’t attend private parties where there are mandatory chats. It’s the quickest way for me to check out/turn off. Sometimes the less said the better. If we have to join them, I’m so glad my partner joins them as I just haven’t the time or inclination. I much prefer rocking up and playing with whomever is there. |
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"It is certainly much harder on here the last few years, decline started 6 months or so before covid hit. We're only finding timewasters and fakes now , same issue with both couples and singles !."
we would agree with you on that one even some of the men are T W |
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We're cautious about private meets; what if we all don't get on? Would there be awkwardness if only 2 of the four fancied each other?
To that end we just go to clubs and go with the flow. I'm sure it works for lots of couples but not for us at the moment. |
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As a super soft couple we definitely find it hard to arrange meets. When weve attended clubs, we have met in a pub beforehand a couple of times, but then as the night pans out it turns out folk want more than what theyve stated in chats |
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As mentioned, when it's 4 people that have to click it's always going to be harder. We like the clubs and socials, as easier to get to know people in one-on-one scenarios and have a bit of banter. |
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Yeah I get they’re not for everyone. Some of the ones we’ve been on are awful. Just full of people showing off their best pics and trying to outdo each other. It all comes down to the organisers and the tone they set I guess. The more chat based ones have worked well for us.
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As a swingers site it's not the best but the functions for clubs, parties and swinging holidays is very good. We have used the see who's near function this week while on holiday.
I'd recommend going to places swingers attend and to remember FAB is about 75% timewasters, dreamers and folks who join to chat about illness and politics |
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Yeah, know that feeling.