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Swinging club cluelessness...
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By *itter78 OP Couple 41 weeks ago
Spennymoor |
Hiya,
I'm feeling a bit despondent after our third visit to a club and would like some help as it feels like there must be some unspoken rules that we aren't following...
We've made three visits to two separate clubs and our opportunities to play with others have been 0! I appreciate neither Fab nor clubs are guaranteed sex, but to have had no interest by anyone makes me feel bad about myself and as though I'm letting my partner down too.
Last night we were soft swinging with a couple and a single man asked if he could join the couple next to us, but ignored us completely... which obviously wasn't nice. I was on a sex swing in an empty room without my partner touching me, and a single guy walked in and walked straight back out...
I don't know if it's lack of attraction; people approach me in clubs to tell me how "gorgeous" and "pretty" i am, but it's always couples who arent interested in swapping or play of any kind - usually they have come for the social and just want to say hello
We chat to people, there is flirting, and there are signs all over clubs explaining the rules that single men should ask to play but no-one has been interested at all! Should we be more forward? I was stood watching a woman enjoying four men at the same time, last night wondering why i wasn't having the same experience.
I'd have more luck in a regular nightclub
My partner says people are probably intimidated but I don't think that's it. He's biased and obviously thinking I am (excluding Michelle Keegan) the most beautiful thing in the world... but I hear on here all the time about how conventionally attractive women do very, very well in clubs... so obviously no-one is intimidated when we are all there for the same reasons.
I'm not new to sex parties. I've had plenty of success in other environments, but swingers' clubs seem very different.
I'm very envious of those who do play with others in clubs, but completely lost as to how we make the step from where we are now, where all of our success stories have been through Fab, to success in a club environment
What do people do to maximise opportunities in clubs? |
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I'm useless at clubs. I think it's that I'm not that relaxed and I give off that vibe.
Perhaps try putting less pressure on it.
I am going to go with a female friend next time instead of a male one to see if that helps too.
Plus not everyone is interested in couple play. I'm single and straight so it wouldn't be my thing.
There are lots of themed nights. Perhaps if you have a particular interest try one of those.
I hope the next visit goes well for you. |
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People are less willing to make approaches these days. There are a number of reasons; not least performative cruelty from some of those recieving the approaches.
If you want people to join you, you may need to explicitly invite them.
It certainly doesn't appear to be a lack of sex appeal from your pics, so it's most likely either your vibe (some people come off as aloof, or singularly interested in each other, this will inhibit anyone approaching) or bad luck that you happen to have been in clubs where people are more tentative about approaching attractive people. |
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By (user no longer on site) 41 weeks ago
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You're absolutely gorgeous looking at your pics and plenty of men and women would love to play with you. However, speaking as a man who's gone to clubs as a single it's a very fine line yiu have to walk. You dont want to come across as pushy or creepy. So for me, unless I have a VERY obvious invite, like being asked verbally or a smile and a nod, I keep a respective distance. That's possibly what happened with the couple next to you. They may have made eye contact and gave him a wink or a nod. You look like a hot couple and you're probably in the driving seat when it comes to playing, you just dont know it. |
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"You're absolutely gorgeous looking at your pics and plenty of men and women would love to play with you. However, speaking as a man who's gone to clubs as a single it's a very fine line yiu have to walk. You dont want to come across as pushy or creepy. So for me, unless I have a VERY obvious invite, like being asked verbally or a smile and a nod, I keep a respective distance. That's possibly what happened with the couple next to you. They may have made eye contact and gave him a wink or a nod. You look like a hot couple and you're probably in the driving seat when it comes to playing, you just dont know it. "
I reckon this is most probably what happened |
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"You look like a hot couple and you're probably in the driving seat when it comes to playing, you just dont know it. "
This is probably right. And people will assume that if you're in the driving seat and you don't ask for it, then you're clearly not interested. |
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We tend to hang around the play areas more than the bar areas and ask people if they want to play. If you stay in bar areas or the dance floor you'll mostly come across cliques and voyeurs that don't actually play.
We've given up pinning down exactly why some folk do this, because it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you don't take their lack of interest as anything bad on you. They likely aren't even there to fuck in the first place. |
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We've not been on the scene long, but we have had a completely different experience ourselves and find that the opportunity to play is always available, it just comes down to confidence. Many couples and singles won't make the first move so if you don't seek out the opportunities then you'll find yourselves sitting around waiting for a confident couple to approach you and in many cases confident couples end up with other confident couples.
In our situation, I (mr) am the confident one and vixen is more shy, so to have success I make it my duty to get the ball rolling.
Just remember, people are shy and nervous, and many times both members of a couple are lacking the confidence to make a move, and single men have it even harder as they're alone. They are much more likely to respond to a couple if the husband/bf shows a clear interest to include them. If you like the look of a couple and you catch them returning looks, then go up and talk to them, don't worry about it feeling awkward or a little embarrassing, we're all there for the same reason, we're all adults and if nothing comes of it you've at least increased your friend circle and gained a little level up on confidence. I promise you it isn't as difficult as some people make it, you just gotta be brave and get involved, and the more you build confidence the easier it becomes. We started out 8 months ago as nervous newbies, but dived in the deep end and for most of our time here we haven't organised any actual meets, we just go to a club and play.
Don't be disheartened, don't overthink it...next time you go dress up nice, have a drink and as soon as you spot someone you like go say hello...
You got this tigers 🐅 💪 xxx |
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By *achUKMan 41 weeks ago
Billericay |
I wouldn't be disheartened as you both look like a great couple... There are so many dynamics to the lifestyle, hey if they don't play then don't worry just play amongst yourselves...
This is going to sound brutal but there are couples out that that will have sex with anyone and don't care on anything else, but there are couples out there that are selective and here you need 4 minds to align...
My partner and I have been discussing something similar... Do you go to a club only if you want to play (whether with others or yourselves) or to socialise and soak up the atmosphere and if something happens then it does, otherwise no worries. |
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By *itter78 OP Couple 41 weeks ago
Spennymoor |
Thank you all for such thoughtful replies, and some kind DMs
I think we probably do give off a 'more interested in each other vibe' than we intend to, so we will be much more direct in inviting people to play and letting them know we're interested!
We've done lots of eye contact, smiling, and conversations with people, but we're also northern, so they might also just think we're friendly!
We will try all your advice though, we've not been in the lifestyle long but very much enjoying it so far - clubs are just an expansion for us |
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Social media probably has a lot to blame for the general malaise in everything nowadays.
It's making everyone so shy and unsure. Online dating seems to be the only way couples date and meet nowadays. Whilst I can see the obvious advantages it does mean the art of a good chat up and flirt is dying because we are all so worried about offence or stuff being taken the wrong way. It's called WOKE I think and WOKE is not compatible with swinging. We are subjected to it 24/7 and it's eroding everything that is enjoyable.
Cut through the WOKE I guess is the best answer and to hell with it. It's boring.
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So a lot of the time at clubs the people there may already have met each other before. It might well be that the man you mentioned asked the other couple to play as they'd been interacting in one of the more social spaces in the venue beforehand and already had a prior rapport.
Also, I checked out your profile and you guys look great, top shape etc. Whilst I'd be super flattered and all round ecstatic if you were to invite me to play with you, my insecurities round my own body image (I'm in better shape now but obese from my teens until late 30s and my self esteem was on the floor as a result), unless you were flirting with me *hard* I might be a bit intimidated to initiate  |
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By (user no longer on site) 40 weeks ago
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"Hiya,
I'm feeling a bit despondent after our third visit to a club and would like some help as it feels like there must be some unspoken rules that we aren't following...
We've made three visits to two separate clubs and our opportunities to play with others have been 0! I appreciate neither Fab nor clubs are guaranteed sex, but to have had no interest by anyone makes me feel bad about myself and as though I'm letting my partner down too.
Last night we were soft swinging with a couple and a single man asked if he could join the couple next to us, but ignored us completely... which obviously wasn't nice. I was on a sex swing in an empty room without my partner touching me, and a single guy walked in and walked straight back out...
I don't know if it's lack of attraction; people approach me in clubs to tell me how "gorgeous" and "pretty" i am, but it's always couples who arent interested in swapping or play of any kind - usually they have come for the social and just want to say hello
We chat to people, there is flirting, and there are signs all over clubs explaining the rules that single men should ask to play but no-one has been interested at all! Should we be more forward? I was stood watching a woman enjoying four men at the same time, last night wondering why i wasn't having the same experience.
I'd have more luck in a regular nightclub
My partner says people are probably intimidated but I don't think that's it. He's biased and obviously thinking I am (excluding Michelle Keegan) the most beautiful thing in the world... but I hear on here all the time about how conventionally attractive women do very, very well in clubs... so obviously no-one is intimidated when we are all there for the same reasons.
I'm not new to sex parties. I've had plenty of success in other environments, but swingers' clubs seem very different.
I'm very envious of those who do play with others in clubs, but completely lost as to how we make the step from where we are now, where all of our success stories have been through Fab, to success in a club environment
What do people do to maximise opportunities in clubs? "
OP
I think your verifications should tell you what you need to hear.
Clubs can be difficult to navigate. People may think you’re not interested by how you interact, it could be a number of things, could be that people don’t want to approach because they fear they will be told no and don’t want to attempt the rejection.
We class ourselves as a confident couple but in some clubs we see everyone else chatting to others and we are there like Billy no mates (but in other clubs we don’t have an issue at all).
I think a lot of it is about reading the room, if someone is giving you the eye then it’s more than likely they are interested but may be too shy to approach. If you really want to play with people just approach them, it’s the only way imo so yes be more forward |
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By *rK MrsJCouple 40 weeks ago
Kidderminster |
"Hiya,
I'm feeling a bit despondent after our third visit to a club and would like some help as it feels like there must be some unspoken rules that we aren't following...
We've made three visits to two separate clubs and our opportunities to play with others have been 0! I appreciate neither Fab nor clubs are guaranteed sex, but to have had no interest by anyone makes me feel bad about myself and as though I'm letting my partner down too.
Last night we were soft swinging with a couple and a single man asked if he could join the couple next to us, but ignored us completely... which obviously wasn't nice. I was on a sex swing in an empty room without my partner touching me, and a single guy walked in and walked straight back out...
I don't know if it's lack of attraction; people approach me in clubs to tell me how "gorgeous" and "pretty" i am, but it's always couples who arent interested in swapping or play of any kind - usually they have come for the social and just want to say hello
We chat to people, there is flirting, and there are signs all over clubs explaining the rules that single men should ask to play but no-one has been interested at all! Should we be more forward? I was stood watching a woman enjoying four men at the same time, last night wondering why i wasn't having the same experience.
I'd have more luck in a regular nightclub
My partner says people are probably intimidated but I don't think that's it. He's biased and obviously thinking I am (excluding Michelle Keegan) the most beautiful thing in the world... but I hear on here all the time about how conventionally attractive women do very, very well in clubs... so obviously no-one is intimidated when we are all there for the same reasons.
I'm not new to sex parties. I've had plenty of success in other environments, but swingers' clubs seem very different.
I'm very envious of those who do play with others in clubs, but completely lost as to how we make the step from where we are now, where all of our success stories have been through Fab, to success in a club environment
What do people do to maximise opportunities in clubs? "
We would definitely play with you, looking good. |
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This may not work for everyone & works better with the guys, but if I’m looking for people to play with then my tried & tested method is to make lots of noise when I’m playing with my hubby or partner. People’s ears will pick up on it & they soon come looking, if I like the look of someone that’s watching & can see they are engaging in eye contact then we invite them to join us.
You both look like a fabulous couple & I’m sure with everyone’s advice, you will have much more success xx |
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Suspect it is more than likely an intimidation thing. Just because some people have experiences of people happily approaching them I don't expect this is always the case. Probably less likely than likely.
You're a really attractive couple, it won't be an issue there at all as others have also pointed out. It may help if you take the initiative a little more as it must be pretty intimidating to try to initiate with a really attractive woman or couple if you're a solo lad.
Lots of great advice in here, don't suspect you'll find this a problem for long! |
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Also to add that we empathise for sure with the cluelessness feeling! We've only been once and had a good time having a nosey etc together but weren't approached or anything like that by anybody. We did get chatting to a few people but mostly because we struck up some conversation first.
Nobody made any suggestions they'd want to do anything though so can identify with the "are we doing something wrong here" but suspect if we'd really taken it upon ourselves to be on the front foot then somekne at least would have responded. |
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Just to add our little bit..
If you both like the look of another couple just approach them to chat and then tell them you're going for a play and ask them if they'd like to join you both in private room etc.. maybe you're already doing this but if not maybe try this. |
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By *abioMan 40 weeks ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
Here is something this old man has learnt in life generally
If “everyone” waits on “everybody” to do “something” then invariably “nothing” gets done…..
Or the north east version
Shy bairns get nowt! 
Who knows what you both want better than you… so since that is the case, be proactive not reactive… put your best foot forward… |
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"What do people do to maximise opportunities in clubs"
Be confident about what you both want and be prepared to make the first move. Try to "read the room"; eye contact, gestures etc.
If say you're in an open room and people you like enter just ask "do you want join in". Maybe some might say no but more are likely to say yes.
As others had said be pro active. |
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We hardly ever pull at swingers clubs, and don’t really go with the intention of doing so. Unless we have arranged to meet someone we just enjoy each other & a dance. For us we wonder if it’s a combo of vibes & also we don’t drink which is also a social opener missed. When we play we normally have arranged a date at a club.
From observation there isn’t as much spontaneous swapping at clubs as you’d think.
Funnily though it’s very rare we don’t play at a house party, and if not it’s normally due to us not being attracted to. House parties seem to have a lot more action for people with new connections. |
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Hey OP 😊
You come across as really genuine and articulate. I think there’s something in what your hubby says in that some people can be a little intimidated by someone who they think wouldn’t be interested in them, and therefore would want to avoid any awkwardness or rejection themselves if that makes sense.
Maybe trying taking the first move yourself more often and I’m in no doubt you’ll have them eating out of your hand… or elsewhere!
You seem lovely, try not to overthink it
Mrs xxx |
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We have learned that it’s often best to make the first move if we see a guy that she fancies.
So many men are so tired of rejections (often rude) that they are reluctant to approach.
It feels I usual at first but the chat soon flows and the fun will follow. |
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We've been swinging for many years and its still difficult to ask outright.
Obviously, we are careful around younger swingers due to our age.
We tend not to ask straight out if another couple or single want to play but say something like " we're nipping upstairs to a room, it would be lovely if you joined us but no problem if you don't. Hope to see you later" Then move on, don't put yourself or them in a position where they feel they have to back peddle.
We've not joined couples for many reasons, not staying too much longer, already had fun earlier on, just don't feel in the mood or we don't get that certain vibe, especially the feeling the husband is pushing the lady but sometimes we can mistake this for the lady being very shy. We sometimes say we would love to get together another time. We may chat about parties we have attended, singers holidays, nude beaches and engage as much as possible and also maybe explain how scary it is to ask a couple to play.
We have cards printed with our profile name and contact number ( we have a swingers mobile phone) and had many couples contact us later to meet again.
Don't give up, take your time, it will get there.
Maybe try a swingers holiday, you two would look fine at a naked beach bar.  |
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We’ve been on the scene a while and we still find it hard to meet people, we’ve put it down to possibly our age but we don’t know. We’ve played and the same guys come look and then move on, we played in a dark cinema room a few weeks ago and 3 or 4 guys where close but all just watched maybe they didn’t want to ask or disturb us. We are both shy and don’t drink at a club or smoke so maybe we miss out on the social area has a lot folk seem to chat more there but we are both ex-smokers for may years.
Maybe we need to be more active ourselves
Who knows seems a lot harder since Covid though |
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Two things to remember:
- Most swingers are really turned on by someone fancying them, so if you ask they'll immediately fancy you more.
- Couples have their own complex requirements and needs, so if they say "no" then it's almost certainly about them, and nothing to do with you. |
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We often find the longer we talk to a couple the less likely play is to happen. We love a good natter though so often don't mind! Like others have said sometimes you have to be blunt to move things on.
We have far more joy when actually playing together, talking to other couples or men in an open room and encouraging them to join us .Just seems easier to be spontaneous that way .
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"We often find the longer we talk to a couple the less likely play is to happen. We love a good natter though so often don't mind! Like others have said sometimes you have to be blunt to move things on.
We have far more joy when actually playing together, talking to other couples or men in an open room and encouraging them to join us .Just seems easier to be spontaneous that way .
"
100% this!! I completely agree with this whole statement and it’s our approach too. |
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