FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Convince wife about the life and move a step forward.
Convince wife about the life and move a step forward.
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How as a long term couple you can start this? We both know little bit and have spoken about things, been to clubs, played in front of other couples.. but having no guts to starts with others. She says she wants to see me start with someone but can that be a trap?? Absolutely stuck from last year and not moved.. only couples please reply your experience. |
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You need to take the guess work out of it, sit down to talk about your feelings on the matter. You need to discuss your boundaries, fantasies and how you feel about it all. No guessing, subtle hints or guesswork, honest conversation about what you BOTH want from doing this. Then set something up for you both, avoid alcohol and follow through with your plan. Talk about it after, what went right, what would you change and decide what you want to do again from there, until you find what works for you BOTH. |
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She knows about the profile but not reading it..we open it together or I open this on my phone. She don’t see when by herself. I’ll definitely show her if any good advice there. Not cheating and meeting anyone myself 😊 |
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Not being disrespectful but can only the couple with this experience reply would be helpful. Those who were struggling to open up and now in the lifestyle or if any negative thoughts/feelings we need to be aware of. |
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First thing I'd do would be to work on your profile. At present there's nothing there to identify you as a couple, tell others what you're looking for or anything much about you, bar a lot about not looking for men - which is obvious to anyone looking as it's not listed in who you are seeking.
It would be a good start point to attract conversations with others, even if initially you want to start slow and keep things online.
You say you've been to clubs. This is often the best way to dip toes into rhe scene as you can mingle, chat, socialise and get to know others whilst having no obligation to do anything at all with anyone else til you're comfortable.
It will also help get verifications from others to clearly show you're a genuine couple - something key to separate you from the multitude of profiles where it comes across as being a guy fulfilling online fantasy chat. |
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Your one verification is from a man so was that you or your wife of both that met him?
If you have no photos you will also struggle to get people to believe you are a genuine couple.
Can your wife access this account from her device as in does she know the log in?
You don’t really sound like you are both on the same page as of yet and that’s not ideal when starting out in this lifestyle |
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I think if a trap is your mindset that's not a great position. You have to be able to trust in eachother that what you're expressing to each other is open, honest and not a game. If you feel she is playing a game she either genuine is or you've not got that confidence in her. Either way that's not good.
You're clearly talking about it and dipped your toes in. If you've got good honest communication with each other you've got good in place. Is she as up for this as you are? Are you both on the same page?
As a couple on the scene it take a bit of bravery to take calculated risk once you talked about stuff. None of us fully know how we will feel until we do it and break a new barrier. As much as we talk things through you just don't know till you do. And if you never take that brave new step you will never know.
And it's not always plain sailing, because we are individual humans with individual thoughts feeling. Sometimes we don't know how we'll feel till it happens and we experience it for the first time. It can also be part of the excitement. I'm sure we as a couple aren't exclusive in having some hick ups along the way as we found our feet. But you talk through stuff openly and honest. You work things out and you really start to understand eachother in maybe a deeper and better way than you would as a vanilla couple. Find what works for you, how to read each other better and a path forward to better things. Swinging isn't always easy but it massively rewarding. And as times goes by and your security and trust in each others grows you find a freedom in that security to widen your scope and horizons. Because whats epic about true security in a relationship is freedom (as counter intuitive or oxymoronish as it sounds). That freedom give you more bravery to se what you can unlock because you fear not threat to your relationship from others. You fear not your own hang ups and inadequacies because you are comfortable in your own skin and know your are always number 1 to each other without question. And of course on that note another important factor is you both being comfortable in your own skin as an individual. Personal insecurity can be a real problem. You need to make sure you support and build each other up.
Mr |
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That’s a massive help and what you’re saying is coming from experience I’m definitely going to talk and even show this forum to her. She’s not very keen about the scene I’m but I want her to try she liked going with me to the clubs but next step is even harder.
But I’m sure having some right advice and bit more courage and trust we can get there eventually. Thanks a ton for your advice everyone means a lot. |
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As of now she’s not keen but already started going to clubs with me I believe she’s getting ready slowly just I don’t have courage to start or take a step forward and push both of us straight into this.. hence asking advice and also wanted to know anyone’s got any real negative experience about the start just in case if it doesn’t work out then how would you face each other in life. |
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"I think if a trap is your mindset that's not a great position. You have to be able to trust in eachother that what you're expressing to each other is open, honest and not a game. If you feel she is playing a game she either genuine is or you've not got that confidence in her. Either way that's not good.
You're clearly talking about it and dipped your toes in. If you've got good honest communication with each other you've got good in place. Is she as up for this as you are? Are you both on the same page?
As a couple on the scene it take a bit of bravery to take calculated risk once you talked about stuff. None of us fully know how we will feel until we do it and break a new barrier. As much as we talk things through you just don't know till you do. And if you never take that brave new step you will never know.
And it's not always plain sailing, because we are individual humans with individual thoughts feeling. Sometimes we don't know how we'll feel till it happens and we experience it for the first time. It can also be part of the excitement. I'm sure we as a couple aren't exclusive in having some hick ups along the way as we found our feet. But you talk through stuff openly and honest. You work things out and you really start to understand eachother in maybe a deeper and better way than you would as a vanilla couple. Find what works for you, how to read each other better and a path forward to better things. Swinging isn't always easy but it massively rewarding. And as times goes by and your security and trust in each others grows you find a freedom in that security to widen your scope and horizons. Because whats epic about true security in a relationship is freedom (as counter intuitive or oxymoronish as it sounds). That freedom give you more bravery to se what you can unlock because you fear not threat to your relationship from others. You fear not your own hang ups and inadequacies because you are comfortable in your own skin and know your are always number 1 to each other without question. And of course on that note another important factor is you both being comfortable in your own skin as an individual. Personal insecurity can be a real problem. You need to make sure you support and build each other up.
Mr"
This is really helpful and taking this away from here. |
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Op have a frank chat & ask her what she's actually wanting to do.
Does she want to just watch you with a woman or couple?. Does she want to join in and you all play.
You need some clarity, but, I'd say if it's been over a year and she hasn't played with anyone else, she probably isn't going to tbh.
I'm half a couple, we only do partner swap & we've done this at clubs and hotels.
I enjoy watching my other half with another woman, when I'm playing with her man though.
If you haven't started with clear ideas about how you'll both be involved, it won't go well.
It sounds to me as she's fobbing you off a bit,getting you to start so to speak.
I'm not sure why you think she'd be setting you up though, unless she isn't fully on board with all this or there are issues in your relationship.
The best thing you can do is have an open discussion with her and see what her reservations are etc. |
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"As of now she’s not keen but already started going to clubs with me I believe she’s getting ready slowly just I don’t have courage to start or take a step forward and push both of us straight into this.. hence asking advice and also wanted to know anyone’s got any real negative experience about the start just in case if it doesn’t work out then how would you face each other in life. "
I can understand why you're confused
She's not keen but she's going to clubs with you. I could be wrong but I haven't seen anything saying that you've talked about this with her. That is really the only way you will understand what she wants
If you're afraid of what the consequences might be if you do both get involved in swinging and you believe you need to 'push' both of you in to it I would say neither of you are ready.
You need clearly defined boundaries and to agree that whatever happens with other people within those boundaries will not affect your relationship.
If you're only going on what you believe your wife wants rather than finding out exactly you will end up in difficulty |
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What do you do at clubs when you go with her ?
Both stay in the bar ? Both watch others ? Play with with each other while you are there in private or with an audience. Play alongside another couple but no touching ? Plus lots of other permeantations.
I'm wondering what her club boundaries are at present. |
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OP
Not sure what you mean by "a trap". All this about "convincing" doesn't seem right; a bit of a red flag.
IF you've both got to the stage where you can go to clubs you've already gone quite far and that's surely taken a certain amount of conversation.
As for the next steps; well guess what... just keep talking. Every couple is different. Find what works for you both and just enjoy whatever that may be and count anything else as a bonus.
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"Read the verification and yes both of us met them as a couple but now he’s single so left a veri as a single man"
We can’t read the veri as it’s not public. If it’s as you say he’s verifying both of you then showing it would probably help people to think you are genuine |
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Take the talk out of the bedroom.
Just ask her straight out.
Being able to talk open and honestly between each other is a prerequisite to a swinging adventure.
If she doesn't know you have a profile on FAB, delete this one, if she finds the idea OK, just create a new one and look at it together.
Good luck. |
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"She is happy enough to go too a club with you, so if I was you just keep going to the club, eventually so will either like it of will say she doesn't want to go anymore. "
We’ve only got his word that she has went to clubs though |
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We wouldn't play with you in a club if there was even a hint that one of you didn't want to be there. Consent isn't optional.
You need to talk to each other. This lifestyle is not meant for couples who don't trust one another |
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It took us literally years to move on from going to a club together, enjoying the sexy atmosphere, but just playing with each other. In the end there wasn't really a specific decision - another couple invited us to swap, and we looked at each other and both basically said "why not?".
It's fine to try and convince her, but what you need to convince her about is that her happiness is always your top priority, and that whatever you experiment with together won't change how you feel about her, or how much you respect her. And that she can trust you around other women.
Yes, just you playing while she watches could be a trap for you both. She may be feeling that she doesn't want to try it herself until she knows how she'll feel about seeing you with someone else, but if that doesn't work out then it may stay an issue between you. Much better to wait until you can both move forwards together.
I'd recommend socialising with other couples at the club just for a chat. It's amazing how quickly that can make this weird lifestyle seem normal. Talking to other women in the lifestyle will probably give her more confidence.
Also keep in mind that what you have now is much better than what a lot of couples ever have. Don't gamble it for a quick fuck! |
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"How as a long term couple you can start this? We both know little bit and have spoken about things, been to clubs, played in front of other couples.. but having no guts to starts with others. She says she wants to see me start with someone but can that be a trap?? Absolutely stuck from last year and not moved.. only couples please reply your experience. "
If you have already been to clubs I would continue with that
Have clear conversations before a visit, are you open to chatting with other couples
Do you play in the couples room, are you both comfortable with closer proximity of others .
Just build on the club nights
Start making connections
But always always plan, have conversation during the evening and have a safe words to end any situation that one of you becomes uncomfortable with
And when you get home
Talk hug and reassure each other |
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"How as a long term couple you can start this? We both know little bit and have spoken about things, been to clubs, played in front of other couples.. but having no guts to starts with others. She says she wants to see me start with someone but can that be a trap?? Absolutely stuck from last year and not moved.. only couples please reply your experience.
If you have already been to clubs I would continue with that
Have clear conversations before a visit, are you open to chatting with other couples
Do you play in the couples room, are you both comfortable with closer proximity of others .
Just build on the club nights
Start making connections
But always always plan, have conversation during the evening and have a safe words to end any situation that one of you becomes uncomfortable with
And when you get home
Talk hug and reassure each other "
We have a safe "squeeze a big toe" as we tended to forget a safe word or would feel a dick shouting out "red".
Only ever did it once and that was when it just didn't feel right, couldn't put our finger on it, bith of us sensed it.
As everyone has said, I'd just carry on going to clubs, chatting to couples, lots of swingers will tell you about other clubs, holidays, private parties, socials, weekends away they have experienced and the fears and trepidation they sometimes experience.
Take your time, there's no rush and do it as a couple and you must, must, learn to articulate all your thoughts around swinging in the cold light of day. |
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"How as a long term couple you can start this? We both know little bit and have spoken about things, been to clubs, played in front of other couples.. but having no guts to starts with others. She says she wants to see me start with someone but can that be a trap?? Absolutely stuck from last year and not moved.. only couples please reply your experience.
If you have already been to clubs I would continue with that
Have clear conversations before a visit, are you open to chatting with other couples
Do you play in the couples room, are you both comfortable with closer proximity of others .
Just build on the club nights
Start making connections
But always always plan, have conversation during the evening and have a safe words to end any situation that one of you becomes uncomfortable with
And when you get home
Talk hug and reassure each other
We have a safe "squeeze a big toe" as we tended to forget a safe word or would feel a dick shouting out "red".
Only ever did it once and that was when it just didn't feel right, couldn't put our finger on it, bith of us sensed it.
As everyone has said, I'd just carry on going to clubs, chatting to couples, lots of swingers will tell you about other clubs, holidays, private parties, socials, weekends away they have experienced and the fears and trepidation they sometimes experience.
Take your time, there's no rush and do it as a couple and you must, must, learn to articulate all your thoughts around swinging in the cold light of day. "
Thanks for a very positive advice. Honestly means a lot also we’re in a long term relationship and can’t spoil this for what I like hence wanna take my time to convince her that’s what I like but if she’s not ready that’s us then I won’t ever or can’t think to cheat her.
Experienced couples like you are putting a positive light I can’t express the feelings. |
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"How as a long term couple you can start this? We both know little bit and have spoken about things, been to clubs, played in front of other couples.. but having no guts to starts with others. She says she wants to see me start with someone but can that be a trap?? Absolutely stuck from last year and not moved.. only couples please reply your experience.
If you have already been to clubs I would continue with that
Have clear conversations before a visit, are you open to chatting with other couples
Do you play in the couples room, are you both comfortable with closer proximity of others .
Just build on the club nights
Start making connections
But always always plan, have conversation during the evening and have a safe words to end any situation that one of you becomes uncomfortable with
And when you get home
Talk hug and reassure each other "
That’s what was missing from after club visits I was upset and we didn’t talk for a bit and it was all very awkward I know it was my fault. Thanks for the lovely advice. Xx |
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"It took us literally years to move on from going to a club together, enjoying the sexy atmosphere, but just playing with each other. In the end there wasn't really a specific decision - another couple invited us to swap, and we looked at each other and both basically said "why not?".
It's fine to try and convince her, but what you need to convince her about is that her happiness is always your top priority, and that whatever you experiment with together won't change how you feel about her, or how much you respect her. And that she can trust you around other women.
Yes, just you playing while she watches could be a trap for you both. She may be feeling that she doesn't want to try it herself until she knows how she'll feel about seeing you with someone else, but if that doesn't work out then it may stay an issue between you. Much better to wait until you can both move forwards together.
I'd recommend socialising with other couples at the club just for a chat. It's amazing how quickly that can make this weird lifestyle seem normal. Talking to other women in the lifestyle will probably give her more confidence.
Also keep in mind that what you have now is much better than what a lot of couples ever have. Don't gamble it for a quick fuck!"
Wow very sensible way to explain I feel like we’re newly born babies xx yes I handle the account mostly but this is something we both will read.. really appreciate your input. Thanks a ton |
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"It took us literally years to move on from going to a club together, enjoying the sexy atmosphere, but just playing with each other. In the end there wasn't really a specific decision - another couple invited us to swap, and we looked at each other and both basically said "why not?".
It's fine to try and convince her, but what you need to convince her about is that her happiness is always your top priority, and that whatever you experiment with together won't change how you feel about her, or how much you respect her. And that she can trust you around other women.
Yes, just you playing while she watches could be a trap for you both. She may be feeling that she doesn't want to try it herself until she knows how she'll feel about seeing you with someone else, but if that doesn't work out then it may stay an issue between you. Much better to wait until you can both move forwards together.
I'd recommend socialising with other couples at the club just for a chat. It's amazing how quickly that can make this weird lifestyle seem normal. Talking to other women in the lifestyle will probably give her more confidence.
Also keep in mind that what you have now is much better than what a lot of couples ever have. Don't gamble it for a quick fuck!"
Wow very sensible way to explain I feel like we’re newly born babies xx yes I handle the account mostly but this is something we both will read.. really appreciate your input. Thanks a ton |
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I push the discussion when the time feels right. We get to
work out what we both want & how we get there. The important thing is actually discussing stuff. We usually start with a silly game I've made up, but we get to the important things eventually. Patience is key. |
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Call us a pair of synics but the fact you’re not photo verified is a 🚩 from the off and suggests the Mrs isn’t aware of this profile. And the thread is more about finding ways to get her started rather than anything else 🤷♂️ |
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