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Prioritising intimacy
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Seeking perspective and advice on a lack of intimacy in a relationship. I.e once a month sex, turn over and put your penis in me and I hope you the seed doesn't lay for too long type of vibes.
Those that have experienced this, how have you overcome and made intimacy a priority in your relationship. Yes I know life, work, children is exhausting and gets in the way.
But where sex and intimacy feels more important for one partner than it does for the other, what are the solution? |
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By *sm265Woman 30 weeks ago
Perthshire |
Honest communication and willingness of both parties to work towards improving things is pretty essential.
Im not sure one partner having an active profile on here would necessarily be helping matters |
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"Honest communication and willingness of both parties to work towards improving things is pretty essential.
Im not sure one partner having an active profile on here would necessarily be helping matters"
Not active in the sense of swinging or playing. Just a profile. Reading, browsing. Had profile long before. I guess same way most people access porn sites but not as a detriment or seeking alternative to their relationship.
Communication I agree and this has previously been done |
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By *sm265Woman 30 weeks ago
Perthshire |
"Honest communication and willingness of both parties to work towards improving things is pretty essential.
Im not sure one partner having an active profile on here would necessarily be helping matters
Not active in the sense of swinging or playing. Just a profile. Reading, browsing. Had profile long before. I guess same way most people access porn sites but not as a detriment or seeking alternative to their relationship.
Communication I agree and this has previously been done"
Maybe worth revamping your profile to reflect that is how you are using the site then, because its certainly not how it comes across currently.
And I'm not passing judgement, I spent many years in a virtually sexless relationship and Im aware it isnt easy, but if you really want to try to fix it then a lot of communication with each other and possibly looking at relationship counselling is likely to be more effective than one party asking for advice on a swingers site. |
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"Honest communication and willingness of both parties to work towards improving things is pretty essential.
Im not sure one partner having an active profile on here would necessarily be helping matters
Not active in the sense of swinging or playing. Just a profile. Reading, browsing. Had profile long before. I guess same way most people access porn sites but not as a detriment or seeking alternative to their relationship.
Communication I agree and this has previously been done
Maybe worth revamping your profile to reflect that is how you are using the site then, because its certainly not how it comes across currently.
And I'm not passing judgement, I spent many years in a virtually sexless relationship and Im aware it isnt easy, but if you really want to try to fix it then a lot of communication with each other and possibly looking at relationship counselling is likely to be more effective than one party asking for advice on a swingers site. "
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"Your first sentence is about lack of intimacy....leaving sex aside, how are you usually intimate with your partner?"
I appreciate that full context of everything isn't put into one initial message. But yes I'm aware that intimacy doesn't mean just sex. And i understand the differences between the needs of men and women when it comes to intimacy. And that for women emotional intimacy is usually more prevalent than the full act of sex. In short in answer to the question, yes. I hope hands. Give cuddles. Have physical contact outside the context of before having sex nor do I do it on the premise that it's being done as a lead up to sex. The needs of men and women differ when it comes to intimacy as also what they see as fulfilled intimacy, I don't expect intimacy to always lead to sex, but hand holding and cuddles on a sofa should not be the only form of intimacy.
Lastly. I value the importance of communication in all relationships. Friendship, romance, friends with benefit, whatever you name it. So it's not about not communicating with my partner, but knowing when you talk about the same thing again and again, that communication can then be perceived as nagging or complaining 😂.
And regarding one of the other posts commenting on my profile on what it says. I hadn't looked at my profile text for years so appreciate it give the sense that I'm actively swinging on here. I've amended that.  |
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By (user no longer on site) 30 weeks ago
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Honest open communication. Intimacy for one person may not be what it is for the other. It’s finding a balance that works for both. I’m a very needy person with touch in a relationship, but others may not be.
There’s no fixing anything lacking without communication
C x |
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"Talk. Openly and honestly. Best advice I can give OP x"
This is the best advice ever.
It’s hard though, I know that. But honestly, even you do, things will improve one way or the other.
In my case though it’s been a journey. The outcome wasn’t as I expected or wanted at the time.
We got to the whole ‘love but not in love’ thing. But it was out there, we were open. We decided to stay together as we enjoy each others company and we love family time. But intimacy isn’t part of our relationship.
Whilst I appreciate that’s doesn’t sound great, being open about it means we are both free to enjoy that with others guilt free so it was a win.
God luck but please have the conversations, as hard as they may seem, you owe it to yourselves to resolve this lack of satisfaction |
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You have 3 basic options:
1. Put up with it and accept that's the way it is.
2. Change it. (You need 2 willing parties.)
3. Get out and leave it behind.
There is no magic wand. You decide.
I had the same when married, so had the following conversation with my wife:
Me - is sex important in our relationship?
Her- no, not really
Me - well it doesn't matter if I get it somewhere else then, does it?
Her - now you've put it like that, yes I suppose it is
Me - why don't we have it more often then? |
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"Honest communication and willingness of both parties to work towards improving things is pretty essential.
Im not sure one partner having an active profile on here would necessarily be helping matters
Not active in the sense of swinging or playing. Just a profile. Reading, browsing. Had profile long before. I guess same way most people access porn sites but not as a detriment or seeking alternative to their relationship.
Communication I agree and this has previously been done"
Would your partner see it that way? It's still taking away from your intimate relationship in the sense that you're showing other people intimate photos of yourself and someone else. |
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"You have 3 basic options:
1. Put up with it and accept that's the way it is.
2. Change it. (You need 2 willing parties.)
3. Get out and leave it behind.
There is no magic wand. You decide.
I had the same when married, so had the following conversation with my wife:
Me - is sex important in our relationship?
Her- no, not really
Me - well it doesn't matter if I get it somewhere else then, does it?
Her - now you've put it like that, yes I suppose it is
Me - why don't we have it more often then?"
What was her answer? |
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What else happens in your relationship.
Sex is just one of the parts of the sum.
Does she miss you when you are away ?
Do you miss her ?
Do you chat together and laugh openly ?
Do you nip down to the beach in winter and hold hands and chatter about all the things you see and think, howl with laughter at funny things which crop up.
Do you call into a pub you have never been into before and chat away about the place ?
Do you chat about your last holidays and plan for the next and tell her she looked sexy around the pool or going into the sea.
Do you chat about the programme you just watched on the TV and have you bought her a gift, not a diamond but a chocolate Twirl and say, bought you this cos I love you.
Notice something,lots of communication and chatting and companionship, no mention of sex.
Try it, don't overthink it, see where it leads.
Good luck.  |
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"Talk. Openly and honestly. Best advice I can give OP x
This is the best advice ever.
It’s hard though, I know that. But honestly, even you do, things will improve one way or the other.
Appreciate the honesty
In my case though it’s been a journey. The outcome wasn’t as I expected or wanted at the time.
We got to the whole ‘love but not in love’ thing. But it was out there, we were open. We decided to stay together as we enjoy each others company and we love family time. But intimacy isn’t part of our relationship.
Whilst I appreciate that’s doesn’t sound great, being open about it means we are both free to enjoy that with others guilt free so it was a win.
God luck but please have the conversations, as hard as they may seem, you owe it to yourselves to resolve this lack of satisfaction "
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"You have 3 basic options:
1. Put up with it and accept that's the way it is.
2. Change it. (You need 2 willing parties.)
3. Get out and leave it behind.
There is no magic wand. You decide.
I had the same when married, so had the following conversation with my wife:
Me - is sex important in our relationship?
Her- no, not really
Me - well it doesn't matter if I get it somewhere else then, does it?
Her - now you've put it like that, yes I suppose it is
Me - why don't we have it more often then?"
Valid comments you've made. Option 1 even if accepted as an interim, the issue will resurface after a period of time. Option 2, as r rightly mentioned needs two to make a change happen but difficult if commitment to change is not forthcoming. Option 3, an option if situation wasn't as complicated I.e kids, family, housing etc etc I'm sure you'd understand. Interested to know how your situation played out |
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"What else happens in your relationship.
Sex is just one of the parts of the sum.
Does she miss you when you are away ?
Do you miss her ?
Do you chat together and laugh openly ?
Do you nip down to the beach in winter and hold hands and chatter about all the things you see and think, howl with laughter at funny things which crop up.
Do you call into a pub you have never been into before and chat away about the place ?
Do you chat about your last holidays and plan for the next and tell her she looked sexy around the pool or going into the sea.
Do you chat about the programme you just watched on the TV and have you bought her a gift, not a diamond but a chocolate Twirl and say, bought you this cos I love you.
Notice something,lots of communication and chatting and companionship, no mention of sex.
Try it, don't overthink it, see where it leads.
Good luck. "
Yes to pretty much all your questions. But sex is an important part of any relationship, more so if one person in the relationship is desiring it. You can have all the cuddles and other warm niceities. Ultimately you have relationships where all that you described is what the perfect loving relationship is. To me, it is the ideal relationship for when I'm in my 70s or 80s with a diminished desire for sex. Sex is equally as important as all the questions you've raised.
I imagine for your relationship all those things may be what you desire and sex comes down the list of desirable perhaps?
And communication is key I agree. But sex has to feature in that communication as opposed to no mention of sex.
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All being said, as mentioned from the outset, communication is key and I understand that having difficult conversation such as this needs to happen. And I have done so in the past and have done so recently.
It's were that conversation leads to. In my case, my perspective is heard, and equally I hear her perspective of lower sex drive (could be peri menopause or menopause).
Would you say or is an unfair ask that if a partner has a reduced sex drive and knows the other half doesn't, that they should make effort to be intimate. And I am an advocate that intimacy doesn't have to be pentitrative sex. It could be touching, playful, foreplay, a hand job, a blow job.
What I'm saying is making the effort for your partner sexially or intimately even if you may have a lower sex drive in same ways you would expect a partner to make time for "couple time" even if they would rather be in the pub or out with mates. It's meeting the needs of your partner. The compromise. An earlier comment was what are the options. Even where am open conversation has been had, although not said, having an "open" relationship is not something she would want, not ending the relationship. I don't want to end it either. But I am intrigued to know what options are available if she's not keen on sexual intimacy or meeting my sexual needs but the idea of my needs being met in other ways is not really keen on that either. |
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"All being said, as mentioned from the outset, communication is key and I understand that having difficult conversation such as this needs to happen. And I have done so in the past and have done so recently.
It's were that conversation leads to. In my case, my perspective is heard, and equally I hear her perspective of lower sex drive (could be peri menopause or menopause).
Would you say or is an unfair ask that if a partner has a reduced sex drive and knows the other half doesn't, that they should make effort to be intimate. And I am an advocate that intimacy doesn't have to be pentitrative sex. It could be touching, playful, foreplay, a hand job, a blow job.
What I'm saying is making the effort for your partner sexially or intimately even if you may have a lower sex drive in same ways you would expect a partner to make time for "couple time" even if they would rather be in the pub or out with mates. It's meeting the needs of your partner. The compromise. An earlier comment was what are the options. Even where am open conversation has been had, although not said, having an "open" relationship is not something she would want, not ending the relationship. I don't want to end it either. But I am intrigued to know what options are available if she's not keen on sexual intimacy or meeting my sexual needs but the idea of my needs being met in other ways is not really keen on that either. "
So if she doesn't want sex she should anyway because it's a compromise?
Because you make time for couple time even though you don't want to?
Ok so you don't want couple time and she doesn't want sex, maybe just talk realise your on different pages and are after different things and go your separate ways.
No one should be pushed into something they don't want to do because their partner has desires....
If the lack of sex is such an issue discuss an open relationship or leave, the relationship isn't fulfilling for you why are you in it?
Mrs |
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"What else happens in your relationship.
Sex is just one of the parts of the sum.
Does she miss you when you are away ?
Do you miss her ?
Do you chat together and laugh openly ?
Do you nip down to the beach in winter and hold hands and chatter about all the things you see and think, howl with laughter at funny things which crop up.
Do you call into a pub you have never been into before and chat away about the place ?
Do you chat about your last holidays and plan for the next and tell her she looked sexy around the pool or going into the sea.
Do you chat about the programme you just watched on the TV and have you bought her a gift, not a diamond but a chocolate Twirl and say, bought you this cos I love you.
Notice something,lots of communication and chatting and companionship, no mention of sex.
Try it, don't overthink it, see where it leads.
Good luck.
Yes to pretty much all your questions. But sex is an important part of any relationship, more so if one person in the relationship is desiring it. You can have all the cuddles and other warm niceities. Ultimately you have relationships where all that you described is what the perfect loving relationship is. To me, it is the ideal relationship for when I'm in my 70s or 80s with a diminished desire for sex. Sex is equally as important as all the questions you've raised.
I imagine for your relationship all those things may be what you desire and sex comes down the list of desirable perhaps?
And communication is key I agree. But sex has to feature in that communication as opposed to no mention of sex.
"
No, you are misunderstanding.
Unless you can talk and communicate on all levels, sex will be down on the list, as you experience in your relationship.
Sex to us is very important, otherwise we wouldn't be on here and our verifications wouldn't exist.
All the other things we describe are the reason our sex life is so good.
Its all part of the relationship.
If you leave out the points we mentioned the sex will probably go out the window too.
Relationships are complex and multifaceted but communication in all its forms are essential.
Good luck.
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Sound to me you need to find away to rekindle the fun and friendship in a relationship. To Foster that togetherness and openess with each other, that child like play together. Sometimes in a relationship people can say but we are together. We live together, we work together on common tasks, we have routines etc. But is that truly togetherness or are you just playing your parts? When did you last have a totally no holes bared conversation we're you could both openly communicate without fear or holding anything back? When did you last just mess about like kids without a care in the world? When did you spend time together like you were the only two humans on the planet and nothing else mattered? The everyday grind can pull us apart even if we think objectively we're together. This is why in relationships no matter what our life is or our family commitments we must make time where we say fuck everyone and everything else now is just for the two of us (even if this is not good for the others in our lives). Because long lasting healthy relationships need a little bit of that selfishness as a couple to prioritise the relationship. If relationships aren't nurtured they die. And some people (sadly) never had this in their relationship to start so there's nothing to rekindle. This is why you must always make a life relationship with your best friend.
So if you want that intimacy and sex with your partner you must find a way to find time and playfulness together. Don't push the sex, put that on the back burner. Just becomes best friends again, rediscover each other and ensure everyone can be heard and also listens. Find your closeness of heart and mind again and then the intimacy and desire will flow again.
Mr
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Also if you do have completely open communication and you're both happy in all aspects bar lack of sex for you have you discussed with her the idea of outsourcing the sex for you? We know people on the scene who are happily married and play on the scene or have lovers with the concent of their non-sexual partner. If you truly have open communication you can surely raise this idea? Granted its not the same as your partner but we don't live in a perfect world and the fact you're on here suggests its a line your interested in. |
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By *enelope2UWoman 28 weeks ago
Doesn't matter cant block distances |
You cant really feel sexual for or with a person that gives you the ick pr pisses you off...so look at the MAJOR other things sort those then you will probably sort the intimacy...
Are you helping around the house without being asked.
Are you initiating things needed before being told to
Are you doing ANY non sexual things that you used to do that attracted her..or him (as its fab).
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Something happened to us by chance. Maybe you can engineer your situation by knowing what happened.
Our working lives changed, pressures reduced & we were able to rethink our priorities. Suddenly there was a space for intimacy that we didn't expect to see. We grabbed the opportunity & filled it. Then we talked about it & the importance of keeping that new found space as it now is. |
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Forgive me but I'm not sure how your relationship is as openly communicative as you say if you're not discussing something that is obviously a sore point for both of you.
What exactly happens when the topic of sex comes up (if it ever does)? What do you say to each other? Does the conversation feel resolved or does it get shut down by one or the other?
And here's an important question - do you miss sex with her specifically, or is it more that you have unanswered sexual needs? |
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"Seeking perspective and advice on a lack of intimacy in a relationship. I.e once a month sex, turn over and put your penis in me and I hope you the seed doesn't lay for too long type of vibes.
Those that have experienced this, how have you overcome and made intimacy a priority in your relationship. Yes I know life, work, children is exhausting and gets in the way.
But where sex and intimacy feels more important for one partner than it does for the other, what are the solution?"
It never recovered, we had become different people. |
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