FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > On consent at UDP/social events

On consent at UDP/social events

By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

Is it typical for attendees of social events for swingers to think it is okay to touch anyone, however they please? All social norms out of the window?

At clubs, there are quite clear policies and rules about not touching without consent. But at the past two social events we have been to (via Fab), strange women have touched without any sort of consent or even conversation first. E.g. at times when we were having clearly private moment, women have groped on their way past. Or just come up to us, interrupted conversation, and grabbed at us.

Not only is it an issue of consent (just because we are attending a swingers social does not mean we give permission to be touched up by strangers), but if it was a man grabbing someone without consent there would be more of a fuss (especially if it was at any other event/setting).

Really uncomfortable stuff, spent 3 days deciding wether to post this. Have come away with a bad taste and put off attending anything else. Which is a shame, as we are looking to make friends on the scene and expand our circle beyond our vanilla interests.

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By *ipstick KissesWoman 10 weeks ago

Newry

Did you bring it up with the organiser at the time.

Every social event I've been to in the last few years without exception has a zero tolerance policy on this and each one has asked that any infringements are reported to them so they can deal with it promptly. All are very clear in their event info that such behaviour is unacceptable.

Unfortunately I can't answer why some people still think they can behave this way

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By *eautyandthebeast86Couple 10 weeks ago

Somewhere in Norfolk ask :)

We do find people at clubs are generally more tactile but not in a groping way but more just arms around or just a bit more flirty than in a vanilla club, nearly all of these instances were welcomed because we could all read each others body language and both I and Beast are naturally quite tactile anyway. Did once have a man grope me on the dance floor but as I was standing next to beast I thought it was him and it was only when I realised beast had a drink in the hand that I thought was on my bottom that I realised it was actually someone else. I did tell the man off but in a joking way as didn’t want to cause a scene and it didn’t really offend me, but there will always be chancers in the scene sadly x

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By *isterowlMan 10 weeks ago

Warwickshire

You’re right in that you shouldn’t expect a different standard at a social and it sounds as if the behaviour of some individuals has fallen below the acceptable standard.

It is something best raised with the organisers at the time so it can be addressed there and then or as soon as possible afterwards.

I’m not sure it’s appropriate to name the event in the forum, though, especially if the organisers aren’t aware.

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By (user no longer on site) 10 weeks ago

Well if you are going to go to events where by there very nature the Schmidt the earth are there what do you expect?

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By *uperstar76Woman 10 weeks ago

North Lanarkshire

"Well if you are going to go to events where by there very nature the Schmidt the earth are there what do you expect?"

So because they are at an event it gives people the right to touch them?

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By *eautyandthebeast86Couple 10 weeks ago

Somewhere in Norfolk ask :)

"Well if you are going to go to events where by there very nature the Schmidt the earth are there what do you expect?

So because they are at an event it gives people the right to touch them? "

Absolutely not. Consent is key no matter what type of establishment it is. The only difference with a non vanilla setting is that there are more likely to be sexually open minded and liberal, that said just because me and my partner are swingers do we want every person in the club assuming we are fair game ? No?!

No means no regardless of where you are and the pure assumption that you should expect to be touched up against your wishes just because you are at an event is not true.

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

Someone responded to me privately asking about location and whatnot. It was a bar, a private event.

They also asked if it was brushing up going to the bar - no, it was groping. Of genitals. And face.

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By *eautyandthebeast86Couple 10 weeks ago

Somewhere in Norfolk ask :)

"Someone responded to me privately asking about location and whatnot. It was a bar, a private event.

They also asked if it was brushing up going to the bar - no, it was groping. Of genitals. And face."

That’s completely not on. You are not a piece of meat to service their needs. It’s sexual assault.

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

That's it, not wanting to cause a scene. And, maybe the individual doesn't mind being touched but the groper wouldn't know that. They may be touching someone who really does mind, on their genitals...

It happened throughout the night, and different women doing it. Not just one suspect who you could pass it off as d*unk or whatever. Sigh.

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

I pin it as sexual assault, too. Regardless of wether the person minds or not, they didn't give consent. Its just that we are new to the scene and didn't know if maybe at socials it is a bit more accepted.

But even in typing that out.. no! That's ridiculous. Like I said, we have been to clubs and everyone knows not to touch without consent. Of course it should be the same at a social! Male, female, non-binary... face, bum, genitals... I feel like it shouldn't be done if you wouldn't do it in the street or at a Wetherspoons or down the Co-Op!

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By *eautyandthebeast86Couple 10 weeks ago

Somewhere in Norfolk ask :)

"That's it, not wanting to cause a scene. And, maybe the individual doesn't mind being touched but the groper wouldn't know that. They may be touching someone who really does mind, on their genitals...

It happened throughout the night, and different women doing it. Not just one suspect who you could pass it off as d*unk or whatever. Sigh."

We have never experienced multiple times like that or ever witnessed it, we even have rules for the dance floor.

My major rule for beast is if he’s dancing with her don’t touch anything than just her hips (if she’s ok with that ) and let her lead and if she moves his hands up to her boobs then that’s her way of consenting but never to just touch her boobs when dancing together as that might not be what she wants. It’s basic human decency?

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

Didn't bring it up because, as someone else mentioned, you don't want to make a fuss and we are new to the social scene so weren't sure if that's just acceptable behaviour at a swingers social.

Isn't that the way it goes though, things go unreported because of embarrassment or not wanting to cause an issue. Hindsight and all that!

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

Thanks for the sense check 3

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By *eautyandthebeast86Couple 10 weeks ago

Somewhere in Norfolk ask :)

"Didn't bring it up because, as someone else mentioned, you don't want to make a fuss and we are new to the social scene so weren't sure if that's just acceptable behaviour at a swingers social.

Isn't that the way it goes though, things go unreported because of embarrassment or not wanting to cause an issue. Hindsight and all that! "

Yes but I think now you have been in the forum and seen that it’s not deemed acceptable then maybe next time you can do something about it.

I do get it’s awkward because you don’t want to cause a scene or feel embarrassed but at the same time you have to protect your self and if I’m honest if they are doing this to you then think about how many other people they will offend. I’m sorry about this experience, but don’t let it put you off as we are not all like that x

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

It didnt help that there was one repeat offender (every time she went past us) and a couple of others. Maybe if it was a one off, one person, we wouldn't be talking about it.

BUT for the most part, other people upheld normal social values

had some fun chats and saw some old pals who we know are also consent conscious! Definitely not tarring everyone with the same brush, just felt bit iffy

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By *eautyandthebeast86Couple 10 weeks ago

Somewhere in Norfolk ask :)

"It didnt help that there was one repeat offender (every time she went past us) and a couple of others. Maybe if it was a one off, one person, we wouldn't be talking about it.

BUT for the most part, other people upheld normal social values

had some fun chats and saw some old pals who we know are also consent conscious! Definitely not tarring everyone with the same brush, just felt bit iffy "

The thing is with me ( Belle talking ) if someone gropped my fella I would tell them not to do it again but that’s because I get jealous sometimes if it’s not something I have consented or agreed to prior. My fella also would tell a bloke off if he was doing that to me as he’s very protective so I think we would actually be ok in that situation especially if it was more than once.

We also just think if the shoe was on the other foot and one of you was to grope someone with out consent you could easily land your self in hot water?! Why do these people think it’s ok ? Glad it’s not going to put you off from going to another one x

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By *eeshellsCouple 10 weeks ago

Reading

I think you're original post nails it. There is no consent and no excuse for this behaviour.

We were at the same event and that is a real shame that someone has done that to you.

As someone mentioned, swingers do tend to be more tactile as people get to know each other but your description makes it sound like this very much was not the case.

Way out of order.

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By *tarbeckCouple 10 weeks ago

york

"Is it typical for attendees of social events for swingers to think it is okay to touch anyone, however they please? All social norms out of the window?

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By *izandpaulCouple 10 weeks ago

merseyside

Never been to a social where anything like this has happened.

Always found most people who attend are friendly, polite and chatty.

Met a few single guys and single women who are socially inept or drama queens with issues but easy to smile and give them a swerve but never witnessed anyone touching, but maybe that's just me as I'd say pack it in, unless I enjoyed it. Had people at parties ask to touch me and most times I'm happy for it to happen but not at a social in a pub.

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By *cottish guy 555Man 10 weeks ago

London

"Never been to a social where anything like this has happened.

Always found most people who attend are friendly, polite and chatty.

Like you, I have been to many social events and not seen this. Touching, if it occurs, is always discussed and suitable for the environment.

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By *lyingsolo1000Woman 10 weeks ago

Reading

Regardless of the environment, consent is key and that behaviour is totally inappropriate. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to make a scene at the time but I am sure that the organisers would want to know about it so they can ensure it doesn’t happen again. A social is only as good as the people that are there and if the actions of a minority put newcomers off, then everyone loses out.

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By *tarbeckCouple 10 weeks ago

york

[Removed by poster at 10/03/26 17:15:07]

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By *herrybakewellCouple 10 weeks ago

Staffordshire

Organised socials are fine, until people have had a little to much to drink.

We had an issue a long while ago now in a club where a guy decided it was acceptable to touch Mrs boobs. It didnt end well for him.

I think sometimes people get carried away in the moment.

But lets be clear, its never ok to touch anyone without consent. I (Mr) hate being touched without me saying its ok.

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

Thanks for your feedback everyone.

Seems the majority are in agreement that, no matter gender, relationship, or venue, its not okay to go for people's genitals and faces - even if it's a swingers social! Ha.

Sorry to hear anyone had negative experiences in their past. D*unk or not, no matter the setting, groping or non-consensual touching isn't okay. We appreciate everyone who shared.

The organisers of UDP have asked me to say that we have messaged them directly about the matter so here we are, writing that we have messaged them directly, suggesting making it more obvious to future attendees that groping strangers is not okay at their events.

Stay cool, folks. And keep your hands/lips to yourself (unless you've got an obvious invite, of course!!)

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By *ophieslutTV/TS 10 weeks ago
Forum Mod

Central

Consent would always be needed,in any environment. I'm shocked that it's happened at a social, which is solely for social engagement. People who are naturally tactile need self awareness and self-restraint, to ensure that they don't breach boundaries. It sounds like people might have had too much to drink and it bothers me that anyone would view this as acceptable.

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By *allySlinkyWoman 10 weeks ago

Leeds

" at times when we were having clearly private moment, women have groped on their way past. "

I'm curious what you were doing in your "clearly private moment"

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

Does it matter? Facing each other, away from the crowd, deep in conversation.

And someone came along and touched my partner, a complete stranger, each time they went past. And later in the night, touched me and my partner both as she went past us.

We could have been anywhere doing anything, but their inappropriate touching of our backsides and genitals, and the number of women who came up and grabbed his beard or had their hands on his back and bum, was not welcome and has actually left us both feeling quite shit.

We haven't experienced anything like it anywhere else..

but the location and what we were doing shouldn't make a difference. People should not be so awful.

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By *allySlinkyWoman 10 weeks ago

Leeds

We haven't experienced anything like it anywhere else..

but the location and what we were doing shouldn't make a difference. People should not be so awful."

I totally agree. I have never heard of anything like this happening before.

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

Thank you, appreciate your words.

We understand some people are very tactile and may put hands on backs for a little longer than everyone is comfortable with. That sort of thing we both can handle. But like you say, tactile people still need to practice normal boundaries and not keep hold of people or let their hand wander to people's bums. And DEFINITELY not feel up genitals...

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By *issmorganWoman 10 weeks ago

Calderdale innit

It's not acceptable, if a man did the groping there would be outrage.

My other half was grabbed by a woman at a social, years ago and she had her hands all over him.It was embarrassing to be honest and she didn't know us at all.

If this happens again op do report it, some people just can't respect other people sadly.

As a straight woman on here, I can say it's not just men either. It's people in general.

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By *he Silver FuxMan 10 weeks ago

Utero

"Is it typical for attendees of social events for swingers to think it is okay to touch anyone, however they please? All social norms out of the window?

Maybe you’re being overly sensitive to friendly flirty behaviour… at a social event. You don’t explain what they did exactly, I’m assuming everyone was clothed, in a public space. Maybe the lifestyle isn’t for you, if that kind of behaviour is ‘really uncomfortable stuff’.

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By *ipstick KissesWoman 10 weeks ago

Newry

"Is it typical for attendees of social events for swingers to think it is okay to touch anyone, however they please? All social norms out of the window?

Touching someone's genitals without consent, fully clothed or otherwise, isn't "friendly flirty behaviour".

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By *he Silver FuxMan 10 weeks ago

Utero

[Removed by poster at 11/03/26 23:14:50]

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By *isfits behaving badlyCouple 10 weeks ago

Coventry

I think there is an unfortunate attitude on the scene that women are often assumed bi till proven otherwise and its OK because I'm a woman. I think a lot of women would be mortified if they knew their assumption was wrong (like many men to be fair). However men have been having this message drill in for a long time and the legal ramifications of getting it wrong. Women not so much.

So posts like these are helpful because there does need to be more of a conversation around women. To help prevent these assumptions and to keep women the right side of the law too.

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By *on_20Couple 10 weeks ago

Manchester and Cardiff

"I think there is an unfortunate attitude on the scene that women are often assumed bi till proven otherwise and its OK because I'm a woman. I think a lot of women would be mortified if they knew their assumption was wrong (like many men to be fair). However men have been having this message drill in for a long time and the legal ramifications of getting it wrong. Women not so much.

So posts like these are helpful because there does need to be more of a conversation around women. To help prevent these assumptions and to keep women the right side of the law too."

I agree that women also need to be mindful.

I’m pretty old school in dating. If C had ever asked me for consent when we were dating and flirting (rather than reading the room) I would have been put off. However because he is of a different generation who has had consent drilled into him I told him early on I didn’t want an express conversation about consent and that he would have to trust me that I would open my mouth if I wasn’t comfortable and I wanted him to do the same with me. With swinging though I want, need and value expressly stated consent with everyone.

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By *allySlinkyWoman 10 weeks ago

Leeds

" their inappropriate touching of our backsides and genitals, and the number of women who came up and grabbed his beard or had their hands on his back and bum, was not welcome and has actually left us both feeling quite shit.

Did you tell them to stop or push their hands away ?

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By *corcherMan 10 weeks ago

Loughborough

Sadly that's how people get away with sort of thing. The victim didn't want to cause a scene or a fuss. Don't let it ruin your fun & make a fuss next time.

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

[Removed by poster at 12/03/26 12:49:22]

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

"It's not acceptable, if a man did the groping there would be outrage.

My other half was grabbed by a woman at a social, years ago and she had her hands all over him.It was embarrassing to be honest and she didn't know us at all.

If this happens again op do report it, some people just can't respect other people sadly.

As a straight woman on here, I can say it's not just men either. It's people in general. "

Its so gross

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

Did you tell them to stop or push their hands away ?"

Should we have to? Or should people know not to grab a stranger, especially their genitals?

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

"Is it typical for attendees of social events for swingers to think it is okay to touch anyone, however they please? All social norms out of the window?

Are you serious?

We clearly stated what happened - touchint bums and genitals, and grabbing at the Mr's beard.

The lifestyle is very much for us. When we meet respectful people who understand boundaries, seek consent in the appropriate way, and DO NOT GRAB STRANGERS GENITALS

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By *ctionSandwichCouple 10 weeks ago

Newcastle under Lyme

Simple answer is don't go to socials at those venues. That's the venue clientele...

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By *igladAndLulahCouple 10 weeks ago

South East

We have never been touched or grouped by a man without consent when we play at clubs, but have been involved in play when it has happened to others and called it out immediately and the person left straight away.

We have been grouped at a club on our genitals without consent and both time it was by women. Someone touched Lulah when we were playing in the couples room uninvited and got asked to stop and go away and a women grabbed my cock uninvited and seemed very annoyed and couldn’t understand when I asked her to stop. I would always advise that if this happens you report it straight away because there is no excuse for it at all

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By *igladAndLulahCouple 10 weeks ago

South East

"It didnt help that there was one repeat offender (every time she went past us) and a couple of others. Maybe if it was a one off, one person, we wouldn't be talking about it.

BUT for the most part, other people upheld normal social values

had some fun chats and saw some old pals who we know are also consent conscious! Definitely not tarring everyone with the same brush, just felt bit iffy "

Really sorry that this happened to you and bless you for bringing it up, I hope the responses gave you confidence of what to do if it happens again. As a couple we about enthusiastic consent at all times, with zero exceptions and that’s how it should be. I hope it hasn’t put you off and that you have lots of consensual fun in the future

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By *igladAndLulahCouple 10 weeks ago

South East

"Is it typical for attendees of social events for swingers to think it is okay to touch anyone, however they please? All social norms out of the window?

Your response to this post would make me think the lifestyle is not for you, if you’re trying to justify this in any way shape or form, it’s a huge red flag that you would post something like this in a public forum and think it’s ok

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

"We have never been touched or grouped by a man without consent when we play at clubs, but have been involved in play when it has happened to others and called it out immediately and the person left straight away.

Oh wow im sorry you experienced all of that! And really appreciate you sharing.

There does seem to be a different set of rules for women, or a different vibe at certain events. Sigh.

Hope you have had much more fun since x

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

"Simple answer is don't go to socials at those venues. That's the venue clientele..."

We are quite new to socials, so we are still learning what is the right fit for us.

Open to suggestions

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By *igladAndLulahCouple 10 weeks ago

South East

Oh wow im sorry you experienced all of that! And really appreciate you sharing.

There does seem to be a different set of rules for women, or a different vibe at certain events. Sigh.

Hope you have had much more fun since x"

Oh yeah, we go to clubs each week, and we were experienced enough to deal with it at the time. I suppose as in every thing we do, there are people who get it and people who don’t understand rules and boundaries. I hope your experience doesn’t stop you having fun

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

"It didnt help that there was one repeat offender (every time she went past us) and a couple of others. Maybe if it was a one off, one person, we wouldn't be talking about it.

BUT for the most part, other people upheld normal social values

had some fun chats and saw some old pals who we know are also consent conscious! Definitely not tarring everyone with the same brush, just felt bit iffy

Thank you, I guess we have to figure out the sorts of events that suit us. But ones where people (women?) think its okay to be very touchy, or even grope, without any sort of consent may not be our jam.

Again, appreciate you sharing your experiences and yes, talking about it has helped. We both still feel quite icky about what happened, but we are learning from it and have to remember we had a great time together and chatting to some interesting couples!

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By *igladAndLulahCouple 10 weeks ago

South East

"It didnt help that there was one repeat offender (every time she went past us) and a couple of others. Maybe if it was a one off, one person, we wouldn't be talking about it.

BUT for the most part, other people upheld normal social values

had some fun chats and saw some old pals who we know are also consent conscious! Definitely not tarring everyone with the same brush, just felt bit iffy

I think you’ll find you will have all kinds of emotional experiences even with consensual play, it takes time. Sometimes experiences that are not perfect give you great insight in to what you do enjoy, what your red lines are and what boundaries you want to push further. My advice to you both is have very clear boundaries and never go past them, then debrief after and talk through what you liked and didn’t and the set your boundaries again next time. You will have an amazing time the lifestyle really is fantastic

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

"It didnt help that there was one repeat offender (every time she went past us) and a couple of others. Maybe if it was a one off, one person, we wouldn't be talking about it.

BUT for the most part, other people upheld normal social values

had some fun chats and saw some old pals who we know are also consent conscious! Definitely not tarring everyone with the same brush, just felt bit iffy

We do all that together, and with folks on here/similar meets. We like to believe we have consent and boundaries down well.

Just other people at socials who apparently didn't get the memo

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By *he Silver FuxMan 10 weeks ago

Utero

"Is it typical for attendees of social events for swingers to think it is okay to touch anyone, however they please? All social norms out of the window?

Not justifying it at all, I’m simply pointing out that the sensitivity of someone, who is in the lifestyle, to some intimate playful touching during a social event, when clothed, may be a problem. If you can’t brush this off as someone being flirty, overly familiar or playful, maybe as the result of alcohol then maybe revaluate.

I absolutely do not condone it.

I am pointing out how you responded to and managed uninvited playful flirty touching. What we do in the lifestyle is physical, sexual and intimate. Social norms do not always apply or work because what we do is not ‘socially normal’. Over the years think of the times in vanilla situations where someone has become overly intimate and handsy - wedding receptions, nightclubs, parties - sure it wasn’t invited, but it was simply someone trying to foster or initiate intimacy- they may have got it wrong, inappropriate, the result of d*unkenness but part of being an adult is managing this. It’s not malicious, they just got it wrong.

I’ve seen uninvited touching or intimacy happen during play (particularly from women who believe that because they are less threatening maybe, that affords them more leniency and the overwhelming bias of bisexual women in Swinging) and this has more often than not led to positive engagement and invitation / encouragement to proceed further. It doesn’t always go right… and then most important thing then is how you manage it. “No thanks”, lift their hand away, removing yourselves from the situation, whatever. What I’m trying to say is that if you don’t have coping mechanisms and feel damaged or injured by these non-threatening, playful interactions then perhaps Swinging, particularly in group situations, may not be appropriate for you.

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By *isfits behaving badlyCouple 10 weeks ago

Coventry

So posts like these are helpful because there does need to be more of a conversation around women. To help prevent these assumptions and to keep women the right side of the law too.

I agree that women also need to be mindful.

We've never found consent always needs to be verbalised or put to writen contract. Sometimes it is just as simple as a smile, eye contact or physical gesture (especially in open group spaces). Likewise we wouldn't want it so business like. However part of it is reading the room and the other part is not going full on in until you are sure the intent is mutual. A case of easy does it till you're sure. And of course if you are in doubt you ask.

I think the problem here is some women smashing in heavy handed with little probing the see that the intent is mutual. Some women having a default expectation about their desire to other women.

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

"Is it typical for attendees of social events for swingers to think it is okay to touch anyone, however they please? All social norms out of the window?

I absolutely do not condone it.

Aw dude you really aren't getting it.

Women grabbed our arses and genitals, and faces, with no prior engagement. Multiple times.

We have said it enough times. You're either being purposefully ignorant or are just... ignorant.

We know the lifestyle, we know the differences between flirting, crossing boundaries, and harassment. We know how to shut down unwanted interactions, we know how to handle ourselves.

We also know, like the author below you, the more subtle and nuanced ways of giving consent. No matter if we are in a Wetherspoons, a cousin's wedding, an adult club, or a UDP social.

We did not give consent. We did not want our gentials touched, by strangers, with no prior interaction.

We also don't understand why we have to repeat that. So many people here seem to appreciate and get it... if you don't and cannot, then bless your lil heart and perhaps it is time for you to stop coming back to the conversation. Good luck out there

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

So posts like these are helpful because there does need to be more of a conversation around women. To help prevent these assumptions and to keep women the right side of the law too.

I agree that women also need to be mindful.

I think the problem here is some women smashing in heavy handed with little probing the see that the intent is mutual. Some women having a default expectation about their desire to other women. "

Yea it was always women, 5 of them total on one night, and in every instance we hadn't spoken a word to them before they came up and grabbed one/both of us. No problem from any men at either event.

We were flabbergasted people might think it is okay to grope at someone they didnt know, out of the blue throughout the night. Especially taken aback by this woman who went past us four times grabbing our arses, and once grabbing Mr's fecking penis, when we hadn't seen the grim thing before in our lives. Ick. Don't want to be around people who think that kind of thing is okay, whenever, wherever.

Thankfully it seems the majority have some decorum and respect

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By *issmorganWoman 10 weeks ago

Calderdale innit

"Is it typical for attendees of social events for swingers to think it is okay to touch anyone, however they please? All social norms out of the window?

I absolutely do not condone it.

I disagree. It's inappropriate and just because it's women doing it, no less wrong than a man trying to touch others up.

This was at a social event, not even at a play event and even then unless attention is invited, it can feel nasty. Which it obviously did for the op.

Not all women are bi & shouldn't be assumed to be. Even if they are, it doesn't mean women should have free reign to touch other ladies genitals at will.

The ops didn't like what happened that's clear

Those trying to normalise it, seem to de dismissing the ops concerns.

It obviously didn't feel "playful" to them and it's not helpful to tell them they don't have the right coping mechanisms.

We should be dealing with the people who clearly can't control themselves on the scene.

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By *aandLoCouple 10 weeks ago

Southampton

"...We should be dealing with the people who clearly can't control themselves on the scene."

To us that's the crux of it. If you can't control yourself enough to seek consent stay at home.

As has been said consent can be subtle or explicit. These ladies didn't even say Hi, have a chat, nothing! Just did what they wanted to do.

We had a situation where a guy walked straight into a play room, and stood right next to my husband. Not even a Hi, certainly no attempt to ascertain consent.

When reminded the rule at this club is 'an open door is an invite to watch from the doorway, not to go and join in,' he got really sh**ty. Proceeded to moan to all and sundry we shouldn't be at the club if we didn't want to be watched. Totally missed the reason he was asked to get out....

He got even more agitated when a while later he came back, and saw me playing with J and an invited guest 😁

People also need to be able to accept a "no thanks" graciously too, or stay home.

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By *os19Man 10 weeks ago

Edmonton

"Is it typical for attendees of social events for swingers to think it is okay to touch anyone, however they please? All social norms out of the window?

Really uncomfortable stuff, spent 3 days deciding whether to post this. Have come away with a bad taste and put off attending anything else. Which is a shame, as we are looking to make friends on the scene and expand our circle beyond our vanilla interests."
. When I used to attend organised social in London the organisers in their messages made it clear it was a public bar and no bad behaviour. The only

touching I ever did was to shake someone hand hand . Grabbing and touching people’s private parts is not good behaviour. If you haven’t already then I would definitely let the organisers know of your experience.Please excuse my ignorance as I am not as active on Fabs as I use to be but what is UDP abbreviated for.

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By *allySlinkyWoman 10 weeks ago

Leeds

" Especially taken aback by this woman who went past us four times grabbing our arses, and once grabbing Mr's fecking penis, when we hadn't seen the grim thing before in our lives. Ick. "

Why did you not say something to her the first time it happened ?

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By *riel13Woman 10 weeks ago

Northampton

A social event means social fucking norms! How bloody rude!

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By *izandpaulCouple 10 weeks ago

merseyside

Was it just you this women groped or did she try it on with others and was she pissed?

Never, ever witnessed this type of behaviour at any social or at house parties.

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By *he Silver FuxMan 10 weeks ago

Utero

" Especially taken aback by this woman who went past us four times grabbing our arses, and once grabbing Mr's fecking penis, when we hadn't seen the grim thing before in our lives. Ick.

Why did you not say something to her the first time it happened ?"

Got my question in before me. If someone did something inappropriate, I’ll say something. Maybe the first time she grabbed ass you were shocked, the second time? I’d make a point - please don’t do that.

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

"A social event means social fucking norms! How bloody rude! "

You would think so!

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

"Is it typical for attendees of social events for swingers to think it is okay to touch anyone, however they please? All social norms out of the window?

Really uncomfortable stuff, spent 3 days deciding whether to post this. Have come away with a bad taste and put off attending anything else. Which is a shame, as we are looking to make friends on the scene and expand our circle beyond our vanilla interests.. When I used to attend organised social in London the organisers in their messages made it clear it was a public bar and no bad behaviour. The only

We have let them know. Although the conversation has been wiped from our profile so we dunno what's up there.

UDP were the organisers of the event.

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

"Was it just you this women groped or did she try it on with others and was she pissed?

Never, ever witnessed this type of behaviour at any social or at house parties.

No idea, we weren't watching her. Just trying to get on with our night

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

""...We should be dealing with the people who clearly can't control themselves on the scene."

To us that's the crux of it. If you can't control yourself enough to seek consent stay at home.

As has been said consent can be subtle or explicit. These ladies didn't even say Hi, have a chat, nothing! Just did what they wanted to do.

We had a situation where a guy walked straight into a play room, and stood right next to my husband. Not even a Hi, certainly no attempt to ascertain consent.

He got even more agitated when a while later he came back, and saw me playing with J and an invited guest 😁

People also need to be able to accept a "no thanks" graciously too, or stay home.

thanks for the sense check. These people asking why we didn't make a fuss or tell her to go away clearly aren't getting the point

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 10 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

"Is it typical for attendees of social events for swingers to think it is okay to touch anyone, however they please? All social norms out of the window?

I absolutely do not condone it.

I disagree. It's inappropriate and just because it's women doing it, no less wrong than a man trying to touch others up.

This was at a social event, not even at a play event and even then unless attention is invited, it can feel nasty. Which it obviously did for the op.

Not all women are bi & shouldn't be assumed to be. Even if they are, it doesn't mean women should have free reign to touch other ladies genitals at will.

The ops didn't like what happened that's clear

Those trying to normalise it, seem to de dismissing the ops concerns.

It obviously didn't feel "playful" to them and it's not helpful to tell them they don't have the right coping mechanisms.

We should be dealing with the people who clearly can't control themselves on the scene. "

Thank you for your input and level headed response

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By *hoenix_1Man 9 weeks ago

richmond

Having run many fab socials in the past, its not acceptable for that to happen, the feel of a social should be ghe same ss going yo a pub.

You should have reported it to the organisers

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By *izzibeth9Couple 9 weeks ago

Loughborough

I think I do understand what those saying 'Why didn't you tell her you didn't like it the first time, let alone letting it happen 4 times'... Two reasons, firstly it's a case of 'Something you don't like happens, you do nothing at the time then whine about it afterwards' is a bit annoying, secondly I think within the lifestyle it's not always straight forward transactional conversations that get play going, some people do like being tactile and take that as their cue as such as to whether someone is interested - I'm not saying this is the right way to approach it, different strokes for different folks but it's what I see lots of in the lifestyle, a bit of a flirt and see what happens, if no one protests then maybe they are interested.

However - not everyone is as confident and forthright as people like me and others in the scene who are brave enough to outright say 'no thank you' - it's awkward, if you're not someone used to that kind of situation you have to work on it, I've ended up in plenty of situations and just rolled with it because I didn't want to make a fuss and that's coming from someone who actually doesn't mind making a fuss on the odd occasion.

I think everyone here has valid points in response to this post and that is -

No, non consensual touching is not okay.

Yes, you should always speak up if you feel like someone is over stepping boundaries.

No, there is no 'right or wrong' way of dealing with these things.

Yes, you should always notify the organiser of what has happened whether on the night (this is more ideal) or after the fact.

To the OP's, I hope the experience hasn't put you off going to other socials and I hope that from this thread you gain some confidence to be able to think about pushing back at the time of it happens again in the future.

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By *igladAndLulahCouple 9 weeks ago

South East

" Especially taken aback by this woman who went past us four times grabbing our arses, and once grabbing Mr's fecking penis, when we hadn't seen the grim thing before in our lives. Ick.

Why did you not say something to her the first time it happened ?

Yeah and that’s you missing the point again which again is alarming. The point is, they shouldn’t have done it, this isn’t the place to be pointing out how people should or shouldn’t react to something.

They are not the ones in the wrong in this scenario, like the OP said, either you’re being ignorant purposely, or you’re really just that ignorant, both options are a concern

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By *oelMan 9 weeks ago

Midlands, London, Brussels

I think female consent is interesting, there is an assumption that women can get away with more and don't need to ask before touching others

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 9 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

"I think I do understand what those saying 'Why didn't you tell her you didn't like it the first time, let alone letting it happen 4 times'... Two reasons, firstly it's a case of 'Something you don't like happens, you do nothing at the time then whine about it afterwards' is a bit annoying, secondly I think within the lifestyle it's not always straight forward transactional conversations that get play going, some people do like being tactile and take that as their cue as such as to whether someone is interested - I'm not saying this is the right way to approach it, different strokes for different folks but it's what I see lots of in the lifestyle, a bit of a flirt and see what happens, if no one protests then maybe they are interested.

I think everyone here has valid points in response to this post and that is -

No, non consensual touching is not okay.

Yes, you should always speak up if you feel like someone is over stepping boundaries.

No, there is no 'right or wrong' way of dealing with these things.

Yes, you should always notify the organiser of what has happened whether on the night (this is more ideal) or after the fact.

Thanks.

We just didn't want to make a fuss and were feeling shy and awkward about it. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Tactile people should respect boundaries, even in flirty environments a hand wandering to an arse isn't going to suit everyone.

And a stranger grabbing bottoms and penis going past a couple who are having a conversation in a hallway... that's not just playful flirting. But I understand your point. If someone was holding me a bit too long during flirty conversation, I'd redirect them, or move, or joke about it, or just ask them to stop. All depends on the scenario. But this woman...next level stuff.

It hasn't put us off entirely. We seem to have been blocked by the organisers so I guess we are no longer welcome at their events. But there are others out there. Thanks for your kind words

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 9 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

" Especially taken aback by this woman who went past us four times grabbing our arses, and once grabbing Mr's fecking penis, when we hadn't seen the grim thing before in our lives. Ick.

Why did you not say something to her the first time it happened ?

They are not the ones in the wrong in this scenario, like the OP said, either you’re being ignorant purposely, or you’re really just that ignorant, both options are a concern "

Isn't it? Sometimes I wonder how folks like this would react if their loved ones came to them to tell them they had been groped, wanting to talk about it, would they dismiss it as "some people flirt like that, you're sensitive"...

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 9 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

"I think female consent is interesting, there is an assumption that women can get away with more and don't need to ask before touching others "

We have come to realise this from these socials. Hopefully it'll change in time so everyone has the same level of respect and everyone can feel comfortable in themselves and for their partner

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By *allySlinkyWoman 9 weeks ago

Leeds

How can it change if people are not made aware that their behaviour is unacceptable ?

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By *eekySweetheartWoman 9 weeks ago

Hampshire

There's a bit of victim blaming on this thread.

I've been to loads of social and clubs and intimate touching is never ok! It's happened to me before by the male of a couple and because he was a 'regular' and a 'personality' I didn't want to make a scene (and I'm usually quite confident) but now we just avoid them.

I do agree there's a slight double standard between 'flirty, tactile' women and 'preadatory' men. But again, intimate touching is never ok without consent! We all know that. We shouldn't place the responsibility on the victim to 'educate' them.

Hope you're ok OP? XX

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By *eekySweetheartWoman 9 weeks ago

Hampshire

"There's a bit of victim blaming on this thread.

Hope you're ok OP? XX"

Intimate touching is never ok without consent the first part should have said.

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 9 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

"How can it change if people are not made aware that their behaviour is unacceptable ?"

Get your head together. People should know that groping a stranger is unacceptable. With no interaction, no interest shown, no consent. Nothing.

It's first thing on a Monday morning, why is that the first thing we have typed on the internet this week... gosh.

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By *iddenWonders OP Couple 9 weeks ago

Earlsdon, Coventry

"There's a bit of victim blaming on this thread.

Hope you're ok OP? XX"

Really appreciate your response after the one before you asking, again, why we didn't speak up. Super victim blamey, super ick.

And thank you for sharing your experience, sorry it was negative. It is so true to life; we are both fairly confident people and "not backwards in coming forwards", we have both spoken out and stood up for other people, but sometimes the pressure of drawing attention or making a fuss can force you to silence.

We certainly noticed the double standard at this event, but agreed, intimacy without consent is never OK.

Both okay, thank you for asking! Had a few chats about it, how we feel and how we will proceed with socials. It has brought up some new topics and old trauma for Mrs. But, feeling a good sense of community from this board from people like you, although a little let down by others. Your message added to the positivity pile at any rate. Happy Monday to you

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By *ull of PuddinWoman 9 weeks ago

isle of munters

I've read the thread.

You went to 2 places and were touched without consent which is unacceptable, which is what your thread is about.

I understand that in the moment the courage to speak up isn't there for some.

But when it happened the 2nd 3rd 4th time and then again at the other event, would that not have kicked up the frustration a notch to speak out?

I think, but not speaking for others that have posted, that's what is highlighted.

Yes consent is important but so is the explanation to the person who has crossed that boundary

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By *ugby 123Couple 9 weeks ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

Lets not blame the victims in this scenario, this is not OK

Your thread seems to have run it's course OP so I am going to shut this now.

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