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Struggling
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Please no haters here.
Married 18 years, sex life static to stay the least, it has never been amazing, quite boring some might say normal, I've recently met a woman at work, affair started, she is incredible, sexually incredible, hot, open minded, but also a nice good person, the type I wish I met 18 years ago ! What to do !? |
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"Life is to short if you aren’t happy at home and you have an opportunity to move on and enjoy something new then go with your gut and enjoy life. Might be the best for you both(you and the wife)
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thank you, wife wise, love is gone it's a functional relationship now but kids |
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"Life is to short if you aren’t happy at home and you have an opportunity to move on and enjoy something new then go with your gut and enjoy life. Might be the best for you both(you and the wife)
thank you, wife wise, love is gone it's a functional relationship now but kids "
Kids will understand, they probably already get things aren’t happy and either of you is in a good place. You will probably be surprised how resilient kids are, give them the love and let them know no matter what happens you will always be there. |
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"Life is to short if you aren’t happy at home and you have an opportunity to move on and enjoy something new then go with your gut and enjoy life. Might be the best for you both(you and the wife)
thank you, wife wise, love is gone it's a functional relationship now but kids
Kids will understand, they probably already get things aren’t happy and either of you is in a good place. You will probably be surprised how resilient kids are, give them the love and let them know no matter what happens you will always be there. "
Very true, would really hate myself putting them through it though and my wife hasn't done anything wrong just not there anymore |
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OP, are you prepared to turn your life upside down for an affair that may not last? The grass may appear to be greener on the other side of the fence but it rarely is. The woman you are currently having a "whirlwind romance" with, she may change when she realises you want something more serious. Have you spoken to her? Would she be open to you leaving your wife and family to be with her?
Also, have you discussed your sex life with your wife? She might be happy with whatever sex life you're having at the moment, or she might be going through a phase in her life when she doesn't want intimacy because of all the hormonal changes in her (not sure how old she is). Talk to her, OP, before you make decisions that would severely affect your life, as well as your family's. |
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"Please no haters here.
Married 18 years, sex life static to stay the least, it has never been amazing, quite boring some might say normal, I've recently met a woman at work, affair started, she is incredible, sexually incredible, hot, open minded, but also a nice good person, the type I wish I met 18 years ago ! What to do !?"
Only you know what to do.
I'd certainly consider when to discuss this major event with your wife, she deserves better than you trawling around swingers sites and your new lady may not be too pleased you are on here too.
The major problem on here, is we only hear your side of the story.
Kids are very resilient, as long as you shower them with love, interest and time, they will do fine.
Time for you to get off FAB and start having conversations.
Good luck. |
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By *aandLoCouple 2 weeks ago
Southampton |
Understand the love has gone but having an affair is not going to help the situation other than for those temporary moments.
If your wife finds out it's highly unlikely she will be understanding "because the love's gone." No one likes to be lied to and cheated on. It's hurtful and disrespectful, not just to your wife but your kids also.
IMO your kids have less chance of being hurt by a separation if you're not at each others throats because of the cheating. It's hard, but be brave and proactive. If the affair is the real thing, put it on hold while you sort out an exit calmly from your marriage.
And yeah, get of Fab. |
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"Thank you, I know everyone is different but why is it my affair enjoys and wants sex with me yet my wife doesn't I'm not ugly, give lots of pleasure, certainly not a selfish lover !!"
The answer to that is very simple yet complex. Apologies for the comparison, but it's one that I think is going to illustrate the issue best. Your wife of 18 years is like a pair of old, trusty boots. You've been through a lot together, they might be rather worn out, but definitely very well used and comfortable. You're not excited any more to be wearing them, but they are your "go to" for comfort, even if you wouldn't wear them as much in public. Your lover is a shiny new pair of boots, fresh off the shelf. You're very excited about them, want to wear them as much as possible even if they're not always that comfortable, might be pinching somewhere or giving you blisters. But they're new, shiny, have not been through 18 years together, of life's ups and downs. Do you get my point, OP?
Plus, for women, at certain age we go through a massive hormonal shift that changes us, a lot. Maybe that's what your wife is going through? |
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I’m in a very similar relationship although sex hardly happens between us there still is this bond are children have grown up and married and now we’re grandparents but at times I feel I’m not wanted any more by her she had a double mastectomy 15 years ago I couldn’t leave her after all weve been through good sex never lasts the full time be happy that you have a wife in good health there has to be something between you people these days are to selfish only thinking of themselves and what they want make life exciting for her make her laugh remember the big winner in devoirce is the solicitor it’s extremely exspensive |
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If you want to understand why this other woman wants you and your wife doesn't, it's well worth reading Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel.
You have your own personal context which will be unique. But it offers a very interesting perspective, and does set out to answer your question.
Aside from that, it would be madness to make any decisions in the middle of an affair. Like others have said: get off fab, end/pause the affair, get your house in order (marriage counselling can be very useful) and make an intentional decision from a position of calm and clarity.
None of which is easy. |
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If your marriage is over and you've checked out emotionally and sexually your wife must have noticed. Time to come clean and deal with whatever follows.
I effectively left my previous marriage way before I physically went. It was only then that he offered to put any actual effort in 🤷♀️
One thing I will say though is that you're seeing the best of your lover and she you. Neither of you have the responsibilities that come with a full blown relationship and children it will appear to be ideal...at the moment. The grass is always greener where it's well watered |
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"Thank you, I know everyone is different but why is it my affair enjoys and wants sex with me yet my wife doesn't I'm not ugly, give lots of pleasure, certainly not a selfish lover !!"
Probably because you treat her like a girlfriend and don't take her for granted. |
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"Please no haters here.
Married 18 years, sex life static to stay the least, it has never been amazing, quite boring some might say normal, I've recently met a woman at work, affair started, she is incredible, sexually incredible, hot, open minded, but also a nice good person, the type I wish I met 18 years ago ! What to do !?"
Can I ask; is your lover also married, and playing away, or is she a single lady? |
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People with children and a house do leave. There are thousands of couples who have split in exactly your situation op.
What's keeping you in this relationship, why do you *truthfully* feel reluctant to leave? |
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If you're so unhappy, I'm guessing your wife is also.
Rather than cheating behind her back,leave the marriage and give you and her the chance to be happy.
However don't just leave to be with another person, do it because you need to anyway.It's not guaranteed this will last or be long term (many affairs don't last).
Yes you've got kids, lots of people have who split up and kids pick up more than you think. |
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"Thank you, I know everyone is different but why is it my affair enjoys and wants sex with me yet my wife doesn't I'm not ugly, give lots of pleasure, certainly not a selfish lover !! The answer to that is very simple yet complex. Apologies for the comparison, but it's one that I think is going to illustrate the issue best. Your wife of 18 years is like a pair of old, trusty boots. You've been through a lot together, they might be rather worn out, but definitely very well used and comfortable. You're not excited any more to be wearing them, but they are your "go to" for comfort, even if you wouldn't wear them as much in public. Your lover is a shiny new pair of boots, fresh off the shelf. You're very excited about them, want to wear them as much as possible even if they're not always that comfortable, might be pinching somewhere or giving you blisters. But they're new, shiny, have not been through 18 years together, of life's ups and downs. Do you get my point, OP?
Plus, for women, at certain age we go through a massive hormonal shift that changes us, a lot. Maybe that's what your wife is going through?"
Sage advice.
Maybe OP should try sitting his wife down.
Lean against his fireplace, pipe in hand and say something like...
"My dear, we've been together for some years, had good, bad and mediocre times but now I only think of you as a pair of trusty old boots."
Sure that will help. 🤣🤣 |
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Every action has consequences, you could continue the affair and take the gamble that you won't be found out (ultimately you will be) and when that happens the fallout is likely to be so much worse than having a grown up conversation with your wife. You may split you may not but it is less likely to descend into acrimony than if you're discovered having an affair.
Your choice
Best of luck in whatever you choose |
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"Speak to your partner about your thoughts and feelings. If they are not receptive, leave. already know they won't be receptive, she finds the thought of masturbation, wrong !!!"
How well did you know each other before you got together? |
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It’s a tough one.
So many people go through divorces when they have kids and I’ve known people to stay just for the kids and it’s gone wrong further down the line as they were living a lie and meant it was even worse for the split, they said they wished that had not wasted more years with someone they didn’t want and wished they had done it sooner.
You have two choices and both of them are not easy, end the affair or end the marriage.
I do feel for your predicament but at some point if you carry on it’s going to go wrong and it’s better to try and do the right thing to make sure you hurt as little as possible for everyone.
Good luck OP! |
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Wether you continue the affair or not I think that if the love has gone then the best thing to do is preserver the friendship and trust between you and end the marriage. Set her free to find the person that can bring out of her what's shes lost, and find the same for yourself. The longer you stay the more resentment that will build. You know your not the right person for her but care enough about her feelings to have stayed to now. Support each other are friends and move on. Sometimes love changes instead of fading and it sounds like that's what's happened with you guys. |
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"Please no haters here.
Married 18 years, sex life static to stay the least, it has never been amazing, quite boring some might say normal, I've recently met a woman at work, affair started, she is incredible, sexually incredible, hot, open minded, but also a nice good person, the type I wish I met 18 years ago ! What to do !?"
Leave …… children would rather have two happy parents separated than a “functional” home. You’re teaching your children the wrong values in life. They’d rather a happy Dad, and chances are, your wife is already well aware |
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Stick with the family, the new relationship may turn into a bigger nightmare, leaving you wishing you hadn't left your wife. Plus your kids will respect you more rather than resent you for the rest of your life.
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I was similar at 40, something of a mid life crisis and decided it would be best to leave. I think it was the right thing.
Tough at time for my kids but they are happy and successful so all good there.
My Ex wife found someone new that is very well off and she seems very comfortable.
I had to totally rebuild my finances. I literally had less than nothing LOL so be prepared to work harder than ever if you decide to leave.
Mrs luckily saw the potential in me LOL and we've had a great life together since. New partners carry can carry massive amounts of baggage I do warn you. She does carry one massive bag, Her ex husband committed suicide and one of her kids struggles as a result. Time does heal, of that I am 100% sure.
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"I was similar at 40, something of a mid life crisis and decided it would be best to leave. I think it was the right thing.
Tough at time for my kids but they are happy and successful so all good there.
My Ex wife found someone new that is very well off and she seems very comfortable.
I had to totally rebuild my finances. I literally had less than nothing LOL so be prepared to work harder than ever if you decide to leave.
Mrs luckily saw the potential in me LOL and we've had a great life together since. New partners carry can carry massive amounts of baggage I do warn you. She does carry one massive bag, Her ex husband committed suicide and one of her kids struggles as a result. Time does heal, of that I am 100% sure.
"
p.s. If you do decide to leave Look after you kids no matter what. Make sure they get all the love and financial support they need and try to be as amicable as possible with your wife. The kids are the No.1 priority. I started off being unreasonable but after 2 weeks decided that was too exhausting made me feel bad and we became friendly again and sorted things out as quickly and cleanly as we could. |
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By *sm265Woman 2 weeks ago
Perthshire |
"Thank you, I know everyone is different but why is it my affair enjoys and wants sex with me yet my wife doesn't I'm not ugly, give lots of pleasure, certainly not a selfish lover !!"
Perhaps because she is so busy raising kids, running a household and carrying the mental load for the whole family?
Perhaps she is absolutely exhausted and feels totally taken for granted?
Perhaps she knows youve had a fab profile for more than a year?
Did you ever consider asking her about it? Asking what you could do to help her? Put effort into trying to rekindle those feelings? |
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"What does this other woman want ? "
Obviously I don't know the woman but I guess it's a man unencumbered by his work day, attentive, loving, concentrating on her and their relationship, complimentary and happy to listen. Laughs at her jokes, is never irritable and always affectionate. Doesn't complain about the gas bill or that he's tired. All the things that if you're not really careful disappear in a long term relationship but are easy to find with someone who you meet occasionally for sex and worry free dates. Oh and probably not to be referred to as 'my affair' |
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"Thank you, I know everyone is different but why is it my affair enjoys and wants sex with me yet my wife doesn't I'm not ugly, give lots of pleasure, certainly not a selfish lover !!
Perhaps because she is so busy raising kids, running a household and carrying the mental load for the whole family?
Perhaps she is absolutely exhausted and feels totally taken for granted?
Perhaps she knows youve had a fab profile for more than a year?
Did you ever consider asking her about it? Asking what you could do to help her? Put effort into trying to rekindle those feelings? "
Maybe I carry most of this burden, I clean the whole house, do school runs, club, cook every day |
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"Please no haters here.
Married 18 years, sex life static to stay the least, it has never been amazing, quite boring some might say normal, I've recently met a woman at work, affair started, she is incredible, sexually incredible, hot, open minded, but also a nice good person, the type I wish I met 18 years ago ! What to do !?"
Think you have the answer in the first part of the post ... My question is it just the sexual side or are you not still in love with your wife ? If not do both of you a favour and move on. |
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If the wife isn’t up for any sexual activity, you are well within your rights to have the conversation regarding why exactly this is.
You are also within your rights to state if this sexless state continues, a lack of sex is an important enough issue to you that you will find staying in the relationship untenable on this basis unless she changes her attitude or is prepared to let you find your sexual release elsewhere.
Have the frank conversation (as sensitively as possible!) and DO NOT tell her about the affair at this point.
Good luck. |
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"If the wife isn’t up for any sexual activity, you are well within your rights to have the conversation regarding why exactly this is.
You are also within your rights to state if this sexless state continues, a lack of sex is an important enough issue to you that you will find staying in the relationship untenable on this basis unless she changes her attitude or is prepared to let you find your sexual release elsewhere.
Have the frank conversation (as sensitively as possible!) and DO NOT tell her about the affair at this point.
Good luck."
thank you x |
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