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Married and unsatisfied
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By *ohn382 OP Man 2 days ago
West Norfolk |
I highly doubt i am the first and will not be the last in a similar situation but here goes.
I am a 37 years old man, married to my childhood sweetheart who I have been with since we were 17. Have two amazing children, a nice house, good job etc but I am bored to hell and sexually unsatisfied.
I have always had a high sex drive and before having children my wife and I had a good yet vanilla sex life. When we decided to start a family we were like rabbits and ive never felt closer to her.
After our first child my wife was no longer interested. This hurt, we discussed it and I grew really resentful. Fast forward a couple of years and I had an affair with a colleague who was also in a long term relationship. Unknown to me at the start she and her partner were in the lifestyle and she opened my eyes to this world.
I am pretty sure her other half did not know what was going on between us and i was definatley catching feelings. I cannot be sure now if I was in the middle of some kind of hotwife kink without realising and I guess I will never know.
My head was fried, my wife knew something was up and I confessed. I was convinced she would leave me but to my suprise she didn't. A year or so of marriage counselling i opened up about my sexual desires and fantasies.
Our sex life got loads better. We would roleplay and she was even considering looking into the lifestyle together.
Things were good and we decided to go for a second child. Sadly history has repeated itself. 5 years on she is no longer interested in sex.
I have been on and off of here for a few years reading the forums, looking at profiles but never considered messaging or trying to meet anyone until now.
Unsurprisingly in a very competitive market I stand very little chance of finding a couple who would want to meet me. Why would they when there are thousands of other blokes who can meet at the drop of a hat but I have found myself sending messages to couples and deep down although I know it is wrong if a couple wanted to meet I know I would absolutely want to go through with it.
I do not want to leave my wife, we have a great life, our kids have great lives but i am not happy.
Im not sure what I am hoping to achieve by posting this to be honest but feels good to get it off my chest.
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Your situation is common. Talking about can help. Have you thought about therapy? For yourself. Do you continue to go to couples therapy?
Having an open and honest conversation with your wife is important. Allowing feelings and thoughts to fester isn't healthy for you. Talk to each other. |
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By *ohn382 OP Man 2 days ago
West Norfolk |
Have not been to couples therapy for years now.
I know you are right but i am also 99.9% sure it will not go down well and I dont want to risk seperating mainly due to the kids.
One thing is for sure i will be telling them not to settle down until they are older than i was!
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"Have not been to couples therapy for years now.
I know you are right but i am also 99.9% sure it will not go down well and I dont want to risk seperating mainly due to the kids.
One thing is for sure i will be telling them not to settle down until they are older than i was!
"
You're unhappy in your marriage, you don't want to leave but you don't want to talk to your wife. Looks like you're stuck |
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By *aandLoCouple 1 day ago
Southampton |
"Have not been to couples therapy for years now.
I know you are right but i am also 99.9% sure it will not go down well and I dont want to risk seperating mainly due to the kids.
One thing is for sure i will be telling them not to settle down until they are older than i was!
"
You need to brave the conversation with your wife.
I fully understand that a sexless marriage can break someone emotionally and physically. But, having extra martial sex isn't going to get rid of those feelings.
Yes, it might be exciting but will lying to and betraying your wife's trust again feel good? If she found out do you think she'll understand why you did it or will she be devastated and a nasty divorce follow??
You can't make her want sex but she should try to understand how it makes you feel. I doubt it's just about not having sex, but likely you're not having any physical connection: touching, hugs, holding hands etc.
It's a difficult, painful situation you find yourself in. x Lo x |
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^^ she can't try and understand something she isn't aware of. If he won't talk to her for fear of upsetting the status quo or reluctance to put the work in she doesn't have an opportunity to work with him to sort it out. I have a lot of sympathy for people who have talked things through and seen no change but if you're turning outside of a relationship for help and solace without addressing the problems with your partner the situation will never resolve . |
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By *dgin3Man 1 day ago
Cumbria |
Therapy has worked before so why haven't you tried it again? If you don't want to leave because of the kids then maybe put all your focus into family life rather than on here for meets that may never happen. |
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By *aandLoCouple 1 day ago
Southampton |
"^^ she can't try and understand something she isn't aware of. If he won't talk to her for fear of upsetting the status quo or reluctance to put the work in she doesn't have an opportunity to work with him to sort it out. I have a lot of sympathy for people who have talked things through and seen no change but if you're turning outside of a relationship for help and solace without addressing the problems with your partner the situation will never resolve . "
Sorry, poorly written on my part. I wasn't suggesting she understand without him talking to her, but rather he talks and she tries to understand his feelings on the situation.
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Thank you for having the courage to put this into words. You are right—you are far from the first person to find themselves at this painful intersection of duty, love, and personal longing, but that doesn't make the isolation you are feeling any less real.
?What you are describing is a profound dissonance. On the one hand, you have built a life that you clearly cherish and value—the home, the children, the history with your wife. On the other, there is a version of yourself that feels stifled and unseen, and that tension can be absolutely exhausting to carry in silence.
?When you speak about the "cycle"—the periods of closeness, the subsequent withdrawal, and the temptation to look elsewhere—it sounds less like a failure of character and more like a sign that your needs are not being met within the architecture of your current marriage. Many people find that when they cannot express their full selves at home, they start to fracture. They look for the "lifestyle" not just for the physical act, but because they are starving for the feeling of being desired, for the validation that they still exist as a sexual, independent person outside of their roles as a father and a provider.
?If I can offer a perspective from someone who has observed similar dynamics: be careful not to mistake the symptom for the cure. The urge to seek out connections in the "lifestyle" is often a search for an external fix to an internal disconnect. While it is understandable that you want to feel that spark again, entering into such a complex, high-stakes arrangement while your primary relationship is in a state of fragile repair might introduce a level of instability that makes the ground beneath your feet even shakier.
?You are at a crossroads, and it is a heavy place to stand. Please be kind to yourself. You are navigating the complex reality of long-term partnership, where the rhythm of life changes and sometimes leaves us feeling out of step with the person we love. Before you reach for a solution that risks burning down the house you’ve worked so hard to build, is it possible to have one more honest, vulnerable conversation with your wife? Not one about the "lifestyle," but one about the terrifying reality that you are unhappy, that you miss her, and that you are losing your connection to one another?
?You are not alone in this feeling, and acknowledging it is the first step toward deciding what you truly need versus what you are merely grasping for. |
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Loads of my mates are in this situation. One who is loaded treats himself to a high-class hoo ker once a month. One has had affairs with married women and the rest tend to just moan that they don't get fed at home. One friend who is a lot older went with little or no see for twenty years, stayed faithful and as soon as the last kid went to uni she felt frisky again only to learn he had got prostate trouble and could no longer perform. Poor guy. |
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I really feel for you reading this, because I’ve been in a similar situation. My ex husband didn’t want sex for about 7 years, so I know how lonely and confusing that can feel even when you’re technically still in a relationship.
I will also say in that time I never cheated, and I did try to work on it by suggesting things like couples therapy, so it wasn’t for lack of trying.
One thing I learned the hard way is that if you’re not happy in a marriage, your partner usually knows, even if it’s not openly talked about. And kids pick up on it too far more than we like to think.
For me, the biggest realisation was that staying together for the sake of the kids isn’t always the best thing. What they actually benefit from is having happy, emotionally healthy parents, even if that means those parents are no longer together.
Realistically, you have a few choices. You stay and accept that the marriage is sexless. You stay and try to work on it again. You stay on fab ... cheat and blowing up your family when she finds out (and she will). Or you divorce, which does not have to be horrendous if you both act like adults and no one has cheated.
Divorced 7 years, I am happier and my kids are alot happier too. |
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By *1TykeMan 10 hours ago
North |
Hi. I'm replying because I've been getting bombarded with ads for help apps for guys in this situation.
The take home message seems to be that trying harder at being romantic or nurturing, helping more in the house, running baths, giving her 'me' time to recharge etc is what guys think is the solution and become resentful when it doesn't work.
The answer being to become an interesting person. Be more independent, and pique her interest in what you do. Walking, cycling, gym. Learning.
These make you attractive to her like the person she wanted to spend time getting to know in the first place.
I'd take this advice myself- but I can't be arsed and make do with scraps and self pity. |
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I feel for you OP, I know lots of people who have been exactly in the same sort of situation as you are finding your self. Did not want to leave the family home, upset the children but was physically not even sharing a bed or getting any form of intimacy let alone sex. Both people went two different ways about it, one person cheated with multiple ladies of the night, eventually caved in and told the truth, tried to make it worth for a further 3 years with no sex, eventually divorced, she took him for every penny and he’s not seen any of his 3 kids in 5 years because she told them what he had done etc.
Another person I know amicably sat down and explained unless things changed they couldn’t see them selves happy anymore and eventually they divorced, 40/60 finances and co parent the children. The man has remarried and is very happy and the lady is also in a relationship, the kids see both their parents happy and are thriving.
These are just two possible outcomes but there are lots of others , I guess you need to weigh up if you are prepared to be sexually miserable but keep the family going, take a risk and cheat and could end up like my first friend, tell the truth and come to some sort of arrangement with the children or something else entirely.
Good luck  🤞 |
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"I've been there. Just to add, before you know it over a decade of your life is gone and you realise you haven't been touched, kissed, held, nothing. No intimacy, no affection. Never ever again. "
Same and totally agree. I would rather be solo than in a sexless relationship or one where the sex was bad.
Also OP as you have cheated before your spouse will recognise the signs again and no doubt suspect what you are up to and that won't help you repair your marriage. |
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