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Spice things up in the bedroom
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It's always been my fantasy to watch my partner with another man, I have had various discussions about it with my partner but she has always said its fantasy and never going to happen and if it was to happen it would be the end of our 30 year + relationship. She knows I need to get this fantasy out of my system and has suggested I try it with someone else I have told her that's not the answer and again she has said that, that would also be the end of us. My partner is quite vanilla about sex she thinks giving me a quick wank is enough to satisfy my needs I have always been the one to suggest new things whether that be dressing up sexy or toys but once again she has been reluctant to do that, I just don't know how to try other things to spice our relationship up |
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"Does she feel emotionally safe with you, safe enough to be open about what she does want to try "
That's the problem she is very reluctant to try anything even suggested a profile on here but she hit the roof. Even suggested home made videos but that was also a big no no, she thinks everyone has a normal sex life, everyone who swings or that kind of lifestyle are dirty or strange, only if she was to have a look at this site I think she would be surprised but that would not change her mind I don't think.
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I even suggested we go to book in with a professional marriage/sex councillor again she said no, slept in separate bedrooms for the first time last night, woke up for work this morning she suggested a trial separation  |
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"I even suggested we go to book in with a professional marriage/sex councillor again she said no, slept in separate bedrooms for the first time last night, woke up for work this morning she suggested a trial separation "
Oh dear.
Could you suggest relationship counselling that isn't centred around what you want from your sex life?
Maybe a trial seperation is what you both need to show you what the important parts of your relationship really are and if you're happier apart. |
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"Does she feel emotionally safe with you, safe enough to be open about what she does want to try That's the problem she is very reluctant to try anything even suggested a profile on here but she hit the roof. Even suggested home made videos but that was also a big no no, she thinks everyone has a normal sex life, everyone who swings or that kind of lifestyle are dirty or strange, only if she was to have a look at this site I think she would be surprised but that would not change her mind I don't think."
She's not interested in swinging I don't think that's odd or unusual the majority of the population aren't |
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Unfortunately for you if that's her decision then I'm afraid you'll have to suck it up and go with it
It has to be an absolutely positive mutual thing that you both want. It obviously isn't, is it worth breaking up a long term relationship for what really is your fantasy. So many posts on here where the guy is asking questions like "how do I convince my wife into swinging" the answer is, you don't, you can't force someone into doing this just to appease you. |
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"I often wonder if someone saying that doing something will cause the relationship to end isn’t perhaps secretly hoping it will end."
I
Maybe but it's often better to stay in a relationship where there's a possibility of getting some sort of sex than leaving and significantly reducing the probability. |
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By *aandLoCouple 8 hours ago
Southampton |
You say she's vanilla and go on to say you suggested swinging. In what part of your brain did that seem an appropriate suggestion?
Sorry, but if you can't talk about sex without her being upset, and threatening to end your relationship, then you are definitely not in a place to push your fantasies to the fore. You need to go right back to the basics of your relationship, and work on communicating if you are to have a future together.
Good luck x |
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Perhaps your continued suggestion of sex things is putting pressure on her.
I'm a man. I know that sex with someone we love is an expression of affection and intimacy. You're reaching for a connection.
Perhaps the connection needs to be made in another way before she becomes comfortable.
It's not a case of start slowly and build up either. I mean something not sex related. If your end goal is the sex, that's going to colour your actions. If your goal is connection, the sex might come as part of that.
Good luck. |
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"She thinks a quick midweek wank is going to satisfy my needs and get it out the way as if its a chore "
I get it. I've been there. There's something missing that means you're not recognising each other's needs. |
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Just for research only, just asked chatgpt, A large study of sexual fantasies found that consensual non-monogamy/open relationships featured in the fantasies of nearly one-third (32.6%) of people in monogamous relationships, although that includes many different forms of non-monogamy and isn't specific to men watching their female partner |
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"I even suggested we go to book in with a professional marriage/sex councillor
Why did you think that would be a good idea? so we could maybe get some sort of professional help "
For what though?
Why is your unfulfilled fantasy something that your wife would need professional help for? |
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Fantasies are just that for 99% of the population
No doubt your partner has her own fantasies but just not in the bedroom
It's that age old situation of one half of a couple wanting something the other doesn't. Most times a compromise can be reached but when it comes to sex and intimacy she has made it really clear her decision on it which you should accept and respect
What might seem vanilla to you isn't possibly how she sees it as everyone has their own take on things
If she has said no, professional help or anything else will not change her mind
As they say respect her decision and either move out or accept it |
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Were you into swinging when you met your wife or did you also have a vanilla lifestyle. You'll find it hard if you've both been vanilla for years but now you've changed and are expecting her to do the same. Surely you're sex life was happy/adequate enough previously or you wouldn't have got together, whatever went wrong needs fixing and thats where your priority should be. |
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Don't push it mate, if she's respected you by hearing out your fantasy then you need to respect her feelings in return, pushing it & making her feel uncomfortable would be unfair !
Just my opinion mate 👍🏼 |
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At least you're getting some sex of sorts, even if it's not what you fantasize about. Try looking after someone with a very slow progressing terminal illness, and have absolutely zero sex for over 20 years. Then you'll have something to complain about. Yes I went through that, no I didn't stray. |
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"I even suggested we go to book in with a professional marriage/sex councillor again she said no, slept in separate bedrooms for the first time last night, woke up for work this morning she suggested a trial separation "
It seems with all the pressure you’ve been putting on her to fulfil your fantasy of seeing her with another man might finally come to fruition.
If she wants a separation, maybe she’ll move on to someone else, so you’re almost there. |
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