FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > bit of a problem

bit of a problem

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Right i have a wee problem, i am a single dad with two daughters, i am bisexual and i have sex toys. No big deal.

They are hidden in my bedroom cupboard on the top shelf in a box at the back. So well out of sight (the toys not the kids).

My 13 yr old daughter (lives with me) has been raking around my room when i was out and has found them. She told her mum (we are divorced) and i had a call from her calling me sick and twisted and that i make her skin crawl.

Now. I am not bothered in the slightest what her mother thinks, shes a small minded cow about all things but i really dont know how to approach it with my daughter.

Firstly i am extremely angry that she has invaded my privacy in such a way searched through my stuff in such depths to even find it. she also doesn't know about my sexuality. But she going to be confused, she'll have heard her mums point of view and take that stance too initially, and shes not daft enough to wonder why i have them.

I need to handle it delicately and not lose my temper but i have no idea how to explain it...

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!

I have two daughters of the same age who have an annoying habit of going into my room for a nosey,I suppose all kids do it. Unless you put a lock on your door,which has crossed my mind there's not a lot you can do. I'm sure my daughters have seen the couple of things I have under my bed,but not said anything.

I think maybe you need to sit her down and be as honest as you can,just tell her the basics of what she needs to know,without going into too many details. The more calmly you say it the easier it will be for her too understand.

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By *akemetobedeyesWoman over a year ago

Knaresborough

I would address the privacy issue first, and talk about you respecting her privacy and that you expect the same.

In terms of what she found, I would ask her if she has any questions about what she found, and offer that she can ask them at any point in the future too.

This will let you find out how much she knows/wants to know at this time.

When I started my period my dad gave me the "sex talk" from a male point of view and although I was embarrassed I thanked him for his openness and honesty as I got older x

Your welcome to pm me to discuss further if it would help.

Good luck!

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By *litterbabeWoman over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

There are not many toys that would definitely show you are bisexual. If that is something that maybe can be saved for a future discussion if appropriate.

You could discuss the privacy issue and the findings andstill keep your sexuality quiet.

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By *orethancurvesWoman over a year ago

Liverpool

Id think u mite not have an issue with her going through ur room after finding them.

But i do think u should sit her down and talk to her about ur sexuality. At that age they are quite impressionable and if her mum has got her two pence in first then u to give it to her from ur point of veiw.

Make sure u get the point across that bi sexuality is nothing to be embarrassed of its a choice uve made that doesnt change the way u are her dad.

Good luck.

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

Cant you just tell her that her mum must have left them there when she moved out ?

Write "mums toys" in biro inside the box lid and jobs a good un

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Its a shame that she spoke to her mum about it and not to u first. Kids do rifle. I know from experience! I would wonder what she was looking for in the first place? I would definitely try to keep things as open as possible and as the post above says, this can be at any time in the future. We have always been fairly open with our kids about sex, especially having safe sex. I think our kids do appreciate that, especially as our eldest has aspergers and has had a lot of questions regarding relationships and different sexual identities. She knows nothing of our lifestyle and my bisexuality though she knows we are very liberal.

My guess is that u will get a lot of good advice on here today so take it in and take time about what ur going to say. I would let her take the lead in any conversation u yave. Be as honest as u can especially while shes at this young and confusing age.

As she gets older she may well ask questions about all sorts of stuff, so be prepared!

Good luck honey

Mrs N xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My youngest found my pussy pump and came down with it on his face like a gas mask...my ex was looking after them while I was visiting family.

I got called all the names under the sun.... Just laughed it off.

Best thing to do is be honest.... Kids need to learn about diversity in all aspects of life

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!

"My youngest found my pussy pump and came down with it on his face like a gas mask...my ex was looking after them while I was visiting family.

I got called all the names under the sun.... Just laughed it off.

Best thing to do is be honest.... Kids need to learn about diversity in all aspects of life "

My youngest when she was 5 went through a stage of hiding things that weren't hers,anything from slippers to lottery tickets. One occasion she hid the lottery ticket that had a few weeks left on it,so I made her search high and low for it. Never did turn up,a good few weeks after I was giving her bedroom a good old tidy,pulled out her box from under her bed and my big pink vibrator was staring at me

. Slightly horrified at the time and looked for a new hiding place!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The best advice I can give you is be as honest as you can and tell her as much as you can but in a way she will understand

When I was that age my mum said to me your adopted no explanation no nothing I was left very confused and scared thinking assorts I asked a friend at school what it meant and before I new it it had gone round school of course cocos my mum was a teacher she found out n that nite I was grounded for telling every one yet still no explanation

That was the beginning of my insecurities and social anxiety

Good luck your a loving dad and in sure all will be fine xxxxx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You're a grown adult who has a private life that is no concern of your daughter, I don't see what the problem is here.

You have done nothing wrong and nobody has to explain their sex life's to anyone, especially your children.

I'm baffled at what sex toys make it obvious you're bisexual also ?

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By *fcdTV/TS over a year ago

Southend

My wife (we're separated but live together) kindly told my 13yo son I was a CD and that I was on various web sites with pics of me dressed up. She was miffed he was more on my side about the split and wanted him to know it wasn't all her and that I was a nasty deviant etc.

God bless him, he just took it in his stride. His reaction was 'So what, if it makes you happy'. He did say he didn't understand the putting pics on web sites bit but it didn't bother him.

We've had a few brief talks since and he really isn't bothered. I recently had to bring my bag of clothes in from the car and he saw it and said "what's that? Oh, hang on, dressy uppy stuff eh?" rolled his eyes, grinned and wandered back to the Xbox.

Bottom line, if you actually have a chat, she may well be OK with it but get it in there quick before the wife's views have time to settle in.

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By *eanut Butter CupWoman over a year ago

B & M Bargains

"My wife (we're separated but live together) kindly told my 13yo son I was a CD and that I was on various web sites with pics of me dressed up. She was miffed he was more on my side about the split and wanted him to know it wasn't all her and that I was a nasty deviant etc.

God bless him, he just took it in his stride. His reaction was 'So what, if it makes you happy'. He did say he didn't understand the putting pics on web sites bit but it didn't bother him.

Bottom line, if you actually have a chat, she may well be OK with it but get it in there quick before the wife's views have time to settle in."

Wow your lad sounds so well rounded and open minded! That's lovely to see

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Be honest, we had a 11 year old daughter and have already walked down canal street in Manchester, and already understands about boys having boyfriends. We had to explain about our gay steampunk friend louie. She just chirped up 'ok' and carried on walking.

I have Explained about alternative lifestyles to my own 12 year old daughter and have been thinking about taking her to the peel park pink picnic in July.

Lady delorean daughters have already been bridesmaids at a lesbian wedding.

Stonewall is an anti gay hate charity that focuses their advertising in secondary schools 11-16 year olds.

It's not the younger generation who are homophobic, it's the middle and older generations. And as for ex wife's they'll use anything to get a bit of leverage. That's just stagnated bitternes. And hypocritical, like she hasn't been to an Ann summer's party before.

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By *fcdTV/TS over a year ago

Southend

"Wow your lad sounds so well rounded and open minded! That's lovely to see"
Thanks. TBH I suspect between their mates at school, the web etc, they seem far more switched on and aware of things like that these days. Plus I'm obvs a great dad

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By *fcdTV/TS over a year ago

Southend

"And as for ex wife's they'll use anything to get a bit of leverage. That's just stagnated bitternes. And hypocritical, like she hasn't been to an Ann summer's party before."

I suspect there is also an element of 'I am sexually liberated, they are perverts, you are sick'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I have two daughters of the same age who have an annoying habit of going into my room for a nosey,I suppose all kids do it. Unless you put a lock on your door,which has crossed my mind there's not a lot you can do. I'm sure my daughters have seen the couple of things I have under my bed,but not said anything.

"
just be honest!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Enjoy your ex wife's bitterness, I enjoy mine, and remember just another reason why she is an ex.

You don't get rid of your old ford cortina, and get another old ford Cortina, do what I did, go and get yourself a brand new BMW with big bumper body kit..... Kno wat i am sayin' ?

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By *anchestercubMan over a year ago

manchester & NI

Why do you have to explain anything to her?

Your private is just that - in the same way that when she's an adult what she does is her business.

I'd discuss privacy with her and the need for all in the house to be respectful of it and leave it at that.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

When I was under 10 years old, I found my parents vibrator. Didn't know what it was because I was a child but was savvy enough to get the batteries out. Your children will be fine.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Right i have a wee problem, i am a single dad with two daughters, i am bisexual and i have sex toys. No big deal.

They are hidden in my bedroom cupboard on the top shelf in a box at the back. So well out of sight (the toys not the kids).

Tell her there ur ex wife's toys and she lefted them behind

Now. I am not bothered in the slightest what her mother thinks, shes a small minded cow about all things but i really dont know how to approach it with my daughter.

I need to handle it delicately and not lose my temper but i have no idea how to explain it..."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Right i have a wee problem, i am a single dad with two daughters, i am bisexual and i have sex toys. No big deal.

They are hidden in my bedroom cupboard on the top shelf in a box at the back. So well out of sight (the toys not the kids).

Tell her there ur ex wife's toys and she lefted them behind

Now. I am not bothered in the slightest what her mother thinks, shes a small minded cow about all things but i really dont know how to approach it with my daughter.

I need to handle it delicately and not lose my temper but i have no idea how to explain it..."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Right i have a wee problem, i am a single dad with two daughters, i am bisexual and i have sex toys. No big deal.

They are hidden in my bedroom cupboard on the top shelf in a box at the back. So well out of sight (the toys not the kids).

Now. I am not bothered in the slightest what her mother thinks, shes a small minded cow about all things but i really dont know how to approach it with my daughter.

I need to handle it delicately and not lose my temper but i have no idea how to explain it..."
say there ur ex wife's toys lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

if your daughter ask just say there her mams she left them there and for got to take them with her.thats what i would say if it was me.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Right i have a wee problem, i am a single dad with two daughters, i am bisexual and i have sex toys. No big deal.

They are hidden in my bedroom cupboard on the top shelf in a box at the back. So well out of sight (the toys not the kids).

Now. I am not bothered in the slightest what her mother thinks, shes a small minded cow about all things but i really dont know how to approach it with my daughter.

I need to handle it delicately and not lose my temper but i have no idea how to explain it..."

Firstly, I think you need to re-set boundaries so that you can keep your toys (and anything else) in your room without her rummaging. Tell her, calmly, that as she is entitled to her privacy, so are you. I doubt if she will know what all the toys are or what you do with them and I very much doubt that any will tell her that you are bi, so if you choose to tell her about your sexuality, then that is your call; 13 is old enough to understand. Also kids today are more open to different sexual orientations, she may surprise you. Her mother will have tried to paint you in a terrible light, you do need to find out what she said and address all the issues, you need to get your side over. Maybe you could also get a lockable box and put anything private in it, then she cannot pry any more, which she might, despite any chat you may have. Keep the chat simple, but let her ask questions, honestly is the best policy here and say to her that you will happily answer any questions she may have in the future as well.

I know where you are coming from, my 20yo daughter rummaged on my phone and laptop, found a lot of things she didn't like nor approve of. My words to her were about her invasion of my privacy as she should have known better.

Good luck!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

why was she rooting through your stuff- ask her how she would feel if you did the same -

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple over a year ago

Leicestershire

"I would address the privacy issue first, and talk about you respecting her privacy and that you expect the same.

In terms of what she found, I would ask her if she has any questions about what she found, and offer that she can ask them at any point in the future too.

This will let you find out how much she knows/wants to know at this time.

When I started my period my dad gave me the "sex talk" from a male point of view and although I was embarrassed I thanked him for his openness and honesty as I got older x

Your welcome to pm me to discuss further if it would help.

Good luck!"

We would do something very similar to this

Whatever you do, you have to strive to keep that door of two way communication open and as honest as you can be depending on how mature and ready you think your daughter is.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why do you have to explain anything to her?

Your private is just that - in the same way that when she's an adult what she does is her business.

I'd discuss privacy with her and the need for all in the house to be respectful of it and leave it at that."

This plus I'm sure she would not appreciate your doing the same to her private things

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By *onyneMan over a year ago

Newcastle

A difficult situation and one which I hope gets sorted okay for you all...I guess you have the option of being open about everything, or perhaps you could tell a little lie and say something about you having the occasional girlfriend and they left them there...

I realise that my latter suggestion is not ideal, but not everyone in families needs to know the truth all the time...especially when there may be others in the 'background' seeking to benefit or score points in some way...

Good luck, whichever way you decide to play it...

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By *rs TootyWoman over a year ago

Ayrshire

"I would address the privacy issue first, and talk about you respecting her privacy and that you expect the same.

In terms of what she found, I would ask her if she has any questions about what she found, and offer that she can ask them at any point in the future too.

This will let you find out how much she knows/wants to know at this time.

When I started my period my dad gave me the "sex talk" from a male point of view and although I was embarrassed I thanked him for his openness and honesty as I got older x

Your welcome to pm me to discuss further if it would help.

Good luck!"

Fabulous advice!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

God bless him, he just took it in his stride. His reaction was 'So what, if it makes you happy'. He did say he didn't understand the putting pics on web sites bit but it didn't bother him.

Bottom line, if you actually have a chat, she may well be OK with it but get it in there quick before the wife's views have time to settle in."

Cool kid!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why do you have to explain anything to her?

Your private is just that - in the same way that when she's an adult what she does is her business.

I'd discuss privacy with her and the need for all in the house to be respectful of it and leave it at that."

This.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Tell her, her mum left them there when she moved out

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

God bless him, he just took it in his stride. His reaction was 'So what, if it makes you happy'. He did say he didn't understand the putting pics on web sites bit but it didn't bother him.

Bottom line, if you actually have a chat, she may well be OK with it but get it in there quick before the wife's views have time to settle in."

Well done you've raised an awesome human being.

Seriously.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Hi folks, haven't been on line and theres loads of replies! Sorry. And thank you!

I have just read through them all, loads of good advice, i haven't had a chance to speak to her yet she's at her mums for a couple more days, which isn't great. but i spoke to my eldest daughter briefly today about it and she didn't bat an eyelid, actually really suportive. And was really open back to me. Although, she's a bit older than her sister and they couldn't be more different. Their mum wouldn't hesitate to tell her as well and am not being held to ransom. Ive time to think about it so going to just be straight with her.

Mainly about the privacy, which for me is the worst aspect. We've had that chat before and i am pretty angry as it hasn't seemed to have sunk in at all.

The toys and me being bi, i guess I'll just have to play by ear and answer any of her questions - maybe its me who is worrying about it too much. I hope so. Just wish she had seen me first.

Thanks again everyone sorry it took so long to reply.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"My youngest found my pussy pump and came down with it on his face like a gas mask...my ex was looking after them while I was visiting family.

I got called all the names under the sun.... Just laughed it off.

Best thing to do is be honest.... Kids need to learn about diversity in all aspects of life "

Whay do kids use them for the funniest of things things, what else could it be for?!

Thank you x

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I would address the privacy issue first, and talk about you respecting her privacy and that you expect the same.

In terms of what she found, I would ask her if she has any questions about what she found, and offer that she can ask them at any point in the future too.

This will let you find out how much she knows/wants to know at this time.

When I started my period my dad gave me the "sex talk" from a male point of view and although I was embarrassed I thanked him for his openness and honesty as I got older x

Your welcome to pm me to discuss further if it would help.

Good luck!"

Thank you thats very kind

we've kind of had that talk to, although they both get quite embarrassed so they mever last long, but its quite funny.

Harder when its about yourself though xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

God bless him, he just took it in his stride. His reaction was 'So what, if it makes you happy'. He did say he didn't understand the putting pics on web sites bit but it didn't bother him.

Bottom line, if you actually have a chat, she may well be OK with it but get it in there quick before the wife's views have time to settle in."

Thanks for the reply, thats a good lad you have there, you must be proud! i guess they surprise you everyday

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"The best advice I can give you is be as honest as you can and tell her as much as you can but in a way she will understand

That was the beginning of my insecurities and social anxiety

Good luck your a loving dad and in sure all will be fine xxxxx"

Wow, thats terrible, what a way to tell someone. Thanks for the reply, means a lo. She's pretty savvy so i am hoping she's not taken too much of her mums view on board xx

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By *LCCCouple over a year ago

Cambridge

Best of luck with this. I guess with most stigmatized things (bisexuality, CD, swinging) people have never met anyone that has that as a facet of our multifaceted lives. Maybe after having a chat with her Dad about bisexuality she will realise that it's more normal than she thought. It will also give her an opportunity to ask any questions about it. Then the next time she encounters someone else who is bisexual she won't think of them as "weird and different". That's why we have told some of our friends that we are swingers. To the CD with the cool son, you have obviously done something right in way you raised him

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Right i have a wee problem, i am a single dad with two daughters, i am bisexual and i have sex toys. No big deal.

They are hidden in my bedroom cupboard on the top shelf in a box at the back. So well out of sight (the toys not the kids).

Now. I am not bothered in the slightest what her mother thinks, shes a small minded cow about all things but i really dont know how to approach it with my daughter.

I need to handle it delicately and not lose my temper but i have no idea how to explain it..."

Tell your daughter as soon as possible and she then might see, by you trusting her enough to tell her, that you're the sort of person she can come to when she's got something that she might need to share,but feels she can't.

I plan on telling my kids I'm bi as soon as each is old enough.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

i think the privacy issues is the 1st thing to discuss. ask what she was looking for in the back of your wardrobe?

i would be furious, my daugher is much younger, but iv already set bounderies about my room, though im not daft enough to think she wont ever over step the mark.

I am lucky in that bi/gay relationships are as normal as straight 1s to her, my brother is gay lives with his fella, my best mate is married to a women, mini me was a brides maid for them at 22 months old, obviously has no idea about sex, but I aim to be as open, honest and approachable as my mother was.

but trust is the basis of everything, and although you need to keep calm, she needs to know that you are hurt and disappointed that she invaded your privacy in that way. good luck! xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think this shows how differently people parent.

Think only you know your daughter well enough to think how she would deal with it.

Having two girls they are constantly curious and just to add a twist to this maybe she was looking for something in your room that she didn't feel she could ask you for like a condom (it is just a thought)

I can understand you being angry about the privacy think even if I don't get it. I was brought up by someone so closed off and unapproachable about sex I actually think that's why I am so open with mine.

The appoarch I would use is one suggested earlier to ask her what she wants to know. Not sure I would start with telling off about respecting privacy as 1 it will put her back up and 2 kind of looks like you have something that needs to be hidden which makes it look like you aren't comfortable with it.

That's my ideas but as I said you will know her best.

Good luck

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I wouldn't worry too much. Kids can be very excepting of their parents. But at 13, your sexual preferences aren't really any of her business. Hold that chat unless it's absolutely vital.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Hi guys thanks again for the replies, part of me thinks my sexuality isn't anyones business apart from my own but the other side thinks that if i am open and honest then there is nothing to hide. And also as some have mentioned above, hopefully it will actually bring us closer if she knows i am trusting her with something very personal.

She has a friend who is 16 and is gay but i think she feels that its weird her dad is slightly that way inclined probably more because its a shock to her.

Thanks again x

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