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Is It All My Fault? Feeling Lost
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"This is a long story but I feel it's only fair for you to get the full facts before replying. Growing up I was surrounded by broken and failed relationships. I was always determined that I would do things differently and rather than marry somebody purely based on the usual things, I took an old fashioned approach. I wanted to be with somebody decent, loyal, honest, hard working and most importantly, somebody who would be a fantastic father. Also, however bad this sounds, somebody who would be so grateful to be with me that they'd never risk hurting me. When I met my hubby I didn't fancy him and I was still not over my ex but he didn't give up. Eventually his personality won me over and he seemed to fit what I wanted in a life long partner and father to my future children. He proposed after 6 months and I accepted. We were due to get married two years later but my mum's cancer became terminal and so in fact we got married within a year of first meeting! Four months later I got pregnant and since then we've had another child. He has never failed to be the husband and father I knew he would be. For six years I managed to quell any feelings I had about not fancying him because it was a sacrifice worth making. However, a year ago I got to the point where I was finding it harder to resist cheating. I couldn't imagine going the rest of my life without experiencing those butterflies and excitement again. I didn't want to disrespect the man I love by going behind his back so it resulted in a very difficult and honest conversation. I want to point out at this point that he's always known about how I feel about him physically, right from the very beginning but chose to be with me anyway. It was his suggestion that I go out and find what i'm looking for. I felt it was unfair for just me to have this privilege so encouraged him to do the same. He wasn't keen but agreed because he could see that I was feeling so guilty. He started seeing a girl and I was completely wrong to do it, but I looked at his messages. In them they discussed about potentially not using a condom (which is our number one rule). Not just for protection but also so that the intimacy is reserved for just us. I went mental and also discovered that he had lied to me about how far they had gone. Honesty is a massive thing to me and I felt my trust had been completely broken. It was the first time in our relationship he had ever let me down. I found it really difficult but we managed to find a way to move on. Cut to about 5 months later and last week, when he handed me his computer, the clipboard came up and it showed a message he had written. I said "I've just seen something and I think we need to talk about it". He grabbed the computer and deleted the message but it was too late. It was very obvious that the message was aimed at a guy. Since we first met I've suspected he may be bicurious but he's always flatly denied any interest. Several times over the years I've let him know that should he ever feel like that, it's something i'd be open to discussing and exploring. It turns out, since we opened our relationship he's been registered on a gay website that I knew nothing about and has been messaging guys and watching gay porn. I was shocked but mainly hurt that he hadn't told me. I asked him if he'd met anybody and he said very strongly that he absolutely hadn't and he was just curious. 20 minutes later and he confessed that three weeks earlier he had taken time off work and met up with a guy for a drink. This floored me, he had lied yet again and managed to sneak off and meet someone with me being none the wiser. After all of his "I'll never lie to you again", "This family means too much to me to hurt you again" etc, he's done it yet again. I honestly believe if we hadn't opened our marriage then none of this would have happened but like I said to him, you only see somebody's true colours when you put them in a difficult situation. I know nobody is perfect but I compromised my personal needs to settle for somebody who I thought would be low risk and never let me down. I might as well have married somebody who I did those amazing fireworks and chemistry with because I've ended getting hurt anyway. I know it's early days and even in that time, we have talked so much and are back at ease around each other again. However, physically I can't bring myself to be with him. I forced myself the other night in the hope it would help but I had to ask him to stop. If he holds my hand, I feel nothing, if he cuddles me, I feel nothing. The way we're going I can see us continuing to live together and co-parent but no longer be a couple. This isn't what I wanted for my children and my husband is desperate to make things work..." It sounds like you are going through a difficult time. Be kind to each other. If your husband is honest with you you might be able to work things out....but if he isn't honest with you (or with himself) then you will both have to examine what is the purpose of your marriage. I hope your husband can be honest with you. Reassure him that you are trying hard to come to terms with his new sexuality and your are not rejecting him as a person. Can you find it in your heart to accept your husbands needs? Loving someone and making a marriage work means accepting them for who they are, not seeking to change them - can you find ways of sharing each others journey of sexual discovery? Hope you get some comfort from this. x | |||
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"Thank you for the replies. While i'm not jumping up and down with joy, I really don't have a problem if my husband is into men. If anything, it opens up so many more exciting possibilities but it's the lying that hurts so much. I feel like even though I want to believe him, I can no longer trust what he says." I'm wondering how it feels for him to be married to someone who "compromised" their personal needs to "settle" for someone who they thought would be "low risk"..... I know where my sympathies lie.. Mr 2-4 | |||
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"You married a guy you didn't fancy to hopefully be with someone who wouldn't let you down . You missed the buzz of being with someone who would get you excited , as he didn't . So you contrived a way to get your husband into letting you find fun elsewhere . You felt bad so told him to do the same . And you wonder why you are where you are now ? I feel sorry for him , he has been forced into accepting you married him for the wrong reasons . And he has been seeking what you can never give him elsewhere . "  | |||
"This is a long story but I feel it's only fair for you to get the full facts before replying. Growing up I was surrounded by broken and failed relationships. I was always determined that I would do things differently and rather than marry somebody purely based on the usual things, I took an old fashioned approach. I wanted to be with somebody decent, loyal, honest, hard working and most importantly, somebody who would be a fantastic father. Also, however bad this sounds, somebody who would be so grateful to be with me that they'd never risk hurting me. When I met my hubby I didn't fancy him and I was still not over my ex but he didn't give up. Eventually his personality won me over and he seemed to fit what I wanted in a life long partner and father to my future children. He proposed after 6 months and I accepted. We were due to get married two years later but my mum's cancer became terminal and so in fact we got married within a year of first meeting! Four months later I got pregnant and since then we've had another child. He has never failed to be the husband and father I knew he would be. For six years I managed to quell any feelings I had about not fancying him because it was a sacrifice worth making. However, a year ago I got to the point where I was finding it harder to resist cheating. I couldn't imagine going the rest of my life without experiencing those butterflies and excitement again. I didn't want to disrespect the man I love by going behind his back so it resulted in a very difficult and honest conversation. I want to point out at this point that he's always known about how I feel about him physically, right from the very beginning but chose to be with me anyway. It was his suggestion that I go out and find what i'm looking for. I felt it was unfair for just me to have this privilege so encouraged him to do the same. He wasn't keen but agreed because he could see that I was feeling so guilty. He started seeing a girl and I was completely wrong to do it, but I looked at his messages. In them they discussed about potentially not using a condom (which is our number one rule). Not just for protection but also so that the intimacy is reserved for just us. I went mental and also discovered that he had lied to me about how far they had gone. Honesty is a massive thing to me and I felt my trust had been completely broken. It was the first time in our relationship he had ever let me down. I found it really difficult but we managed to find a way to move on. Cut to about 5 months later and last week, when he handed me his computer, the clipboard came up and it showed a message he had written. I said "I've just seen something and I think we need to talk about it". He grabbed the computer and deleted the message but it was too late. It was very obvious that the message was aimed at a guy. Since we first met I've suspected he may be bicurious but he's always flatly denied any interest. Several times over the years I've let him know that should he ever feel like that, it's something i'd be open to discussing and exploring. It turns out, since we opened our relationship he's been registered on a gay website that I knew nothing about and has been messaging guys and watching gay porn. I was shocked but mainly hurt that he hadn't told me. I asked him if he'd met anybody and he said very strongly that he absolutely hadn't and he was just curious. 20 minutes later and he confessed that three weeks earlier he had taken time off work and met up with a guy for a drink. This floored me, he had lied yet again and managed to sneak off and meet someone with me being none the wiser. After all of his "I'll never lie to you again", "This family means too much to me to hurt you again" etc, he's done it yet again. I honestly believe if we hadn't opened our marriage then none of this would have happened but like I said to him, you only see somebody's true colours when you put them in a difficult situation. I know nobody is perfect but I compromised my personal needs to settle for somebody who I thought would be low risk and never let me down. I might as well have married somebody who I did those amazing fireworks and chemistry with because I've ended getting hurt anyway. I know it's early days and even in that time, we have talked so much and are back at ease around each other again. However, physically I can't bring myself to be with him. I forced myself the other night in the hope it would help but I had to ask him to stop. If he holds my hand, I feel nothing, if he cuddles me, I feel nothing. The way we're going I can see us continuing to live together and co-parent but no longer be a couple. This isn't what I wanted for my children and my husband is desperate to make things work..." All your fault..no not entirely but when you use words like "settled for" my advice to this poor man would be to tell you exactly where to go.. This man loved you regardless of this and still u decided that wasn't enough and you wanted something else from someone else.You encouraged his actions so as not to feel guilty about your own,now they've come back to bite u in the ass... Reap what u sow | |||
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"Thank you for the replies. While i'm not jumping up and down with joy, I really don't have a problem if my husband is into men. If anything, it opens up so many more exciting possibilities but it's the lying that hurts so much. I feel like even though I want to believe him, I can no longer trust what he says. I'm wondering how it feels for him to be married to someone who "compromised" their personal needs to "settle" for someone who they thought would be "low risk"..... I know where my sympathies lie.. Mr 2-4 " I agree. The way the post is written is very "poor me" but you made your choices and this is what happened. And as a child of parents who stayed together for the kids, i wouldn't recommend it. | |||
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"No it isn't your fault. His feelings would most probably have manifested themselves in some way regardless of whether you chose to open up your relationship, especially if he's always felt like he was the person you settled for not the person you wanted. " How does that make any sense ? He is bound to feel like he us the one she settled for yet you say it's not her fault ? | |||
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"No it isn't your fault. His feelings would most probably have manifested themselves in some way regardless of whether you chose to open up your relationship, especially if he's always felt like he was the person you settled for not the person you wanted. How does that make any sense ? He is bound to feel like he us the one she settled for yet you say it's not her fault ? " The question I got from the OP was that she was wondering whether it was her fault for opening up their relationship. (Playing Devils' advocate, you could also argue that if he shouldn't have allowed himself to be the one someone settled for in the first place, it takes two people to get into a relationship.) | |||
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"So you got with this man for the size of his wallet and what he could provide for you rather than being honest from the start and telling him he not your cup of tea and finding someone who was the OP is the type of women who give women a bad name I fancy my misses even when we have argument and i know she fancies me too This post makes me very cross " My husband doesn't have a big salary at all. It was his personality and qualities that made me agree to be with him. | |||
"No it isn't your fault. His feelings would most probably have manifested themselves in some way regardless of whether you chose to open up your relationship, especially if he's always felt like he was the person you settled for not the person you wanted. How does that make any sense ? He is bound to feel like he us the one she settled for yet you say it's not her fault ? The question I got from the OP was that she was wondering whether it was her fault for opening up their relationship. (Playing Devils' advocate, you could also argue that if he shouldn't have allowed himself to be the one someone settled for in the first place, it takes two people to get into a relationship.)" i agree it takes two... marrying someone who you didnt fancy was the first red light for me as your making a lifetime commitment to that person. I think you both need to be very careful where kids are concerned they pick up on none verbal cues and will easily put two and two together, they will see their parents dont even hold hands...id say dont drag the relationship along as you will be come more unhappy each day.... | |||
"No it isn't your fault. His feelings would most probably have manifested themselves in some way regardless of whether you chose to open up your relationship, especially if he's always felt like he was the person you settled for not the person you wanted. How does that make any sense ? He is bound to feel like he us the one she settled for yet you say it's not her fault ? The question I got from the OP was that she was wondering whether it was her fault for opening up their relationship. (Playing Devils' advocate, you could also argue that if he shouldn't have allowed himself to be the one someone settled for in the first place, it takes two people to get into a relationship.)" I don't know whether we are reading the same thing into it here . I was getting the impression that the op was wondering if it was her fault for feeling lost and upset at the situation she is in , not just for opening up their relationship . Hence the length and detail of the post . But I agree , it takes 2 to establish a relationship | |||
"No it isn't your fault. His feelings would most probably have manifested themselves in some way regardless of whether you chose to open up your relationship, especially if he's always felt like he was the person you settled for not the person you wanted. How does that make any sense ? He is bound to feel like he us the one she settled for yet you say it's not her fault ? The question I got from the OP was that she was wondering whether it was her fault for opening up their relationship. (Playing Devils' advocate, you could also argue that if he shouldn't have allowed himself to be the one someone settled for in the first place, it takes two people to get into a relationship.) I don't know whether we are reading the same thing into it here . I was getting the impression that the op was wondering if it was her fault for feeling lost and upset at the situation she is in , not just for opening up their relationship . Hence the length and detail of the post . But I agree , it takes 2 to establish a relationship "I'll be honest I skim read a little due to the length of it so it's entirely possible I missed the point. | |||
"Can I ask if the conversation ever arose where you come on the site, and meet people together? Alot of your message appears to be you both doing stuff singularly, but did you ever try stuff as a couple? The answer isn't always in going off in opposite directions." Yes we had a couples profile but he didn't really enjoy it. We went to socials, a house party and had fun with a couple but he didn't really want to repeat it. Just not for him. | |||
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"No it isn't your fault. His feelings would most probably have manifested themselves in some way regardless of whether you chose to open up your relationship, especially if he's always felt like he was the person you settled for not the person you wanted. How does that make any sense ? He is bound to feel like he us the one she settled for yet you say it's not her fault ? The question I got from the OP was that she was wondering whether it was her fault for opening up their relationship. (Playing Devils' advocate, you could also argue that if he shouldn't have allowed himself to be the one someone settled for in the first place, it takes two people to get into a relationship.)" I agree. He knew at the start than she didn't fancy him and he still chose to marry her, he had a say in this too. I'm not saying that what she wanted was right or wrong, but I don't think many people here have addressed the real issue, something we all hae knowledge of; despite her honesty (admittedly we don't know how honest she has been as this is her perspective), he flouted the rules anyway. I can understand that after years of not a lot of sex, if any, he would want to get out there... but if no bareback for example was agreed as a rule, why should he have broken that trust, and then lied about it. | |||
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"Is It All My Fault? Feeling Lost" Fault matters least. What matters most is where you go from here. Take time to talk and listen to each other. Take time to rekindle what you both had. It won't be easy. Guilt and recrimination will always be present in the back of both of your minds, but you can get through it. Good luck Mr ddc | |||
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"OP I know exactly where you are coming from. I too settled. We divorced after 12 years. Perhaps in time you two will, who knows. For the present give hubby some slack re the honesty issues. I have a feeling that he was fearful of hurting you. Continue the communications and ask each other what you both truly want and need. Good luck." I know that's why he lied, he was trying to protect me but sometimes you have to be brave and tell the truth even when it's really difficult. He no longer wants anything to do with FAB etc and says he doesn't want to explore any potential bi side any further. I've told him that I will totally support him if he wants to. At the minute he's in a horrible position of no physical affection from anybody. Nobody can put up with that for very long. | |||
"You married a guy you didn't fancy to hopefully be with someone who wouldn't let you down . You missed the buzz of being with someone who would get you excited , as he didn't . So you contrived a way to get your husband into letting you find fun elsewhere . You felt bad so told him to do the same . And you wonder why you are where you are now ? I feel sorry for him , he has been forced into accepting you married him for the wrong reasons . And he has been seeking what you can never give him elsewhere . " In a nutshell!  | |||
"This is a long story but I feel it's only fair for you to get the full facts before replying. Growing up I was surrounded by broken and failed relationships. I was always determined that I would do things differently and rather than marry somebody purely based on the usual things, I took an old fashioned approach. I wanted to be with somebody decent, loyal, honest, hard working and most importantly, somebody who would be a fantastic father. Also, however bad this sounds, somebody who would be so grateful to be with me that they'd never risk hurting me. When I met my hubby I didn't fancy him and I was still not over my ex but he didn't give up. Eventually his personality won me over and he seemed to fit what I wanted in a life long partner and father to my future children. He proposed after 6 months and I accepted. We were due to get married two years later but my mum's cancer became terminal and so in fact we got married within a year of first meeting! Four months later I got pregnant and since then we've had another child. He has never failed to be the husband and father I knew he would be. For six years I managed to quell any feelings I had about not fancying him because it was a sacrifice worth making. However, a year ago I got to the point where I was finding it harder to resist cheating. I couldn't imagine going the rest of my life without experiencing those butterflies and excitement again. I didn't want to disrespect the man I love by going behind his back so it resulted in a very difficult and honest conversation. I want to point out at this point that he's always known about how I feel about him physically, right from the very beginning but chose to be with me anyway. It was his suggestion that I go out and find what i'm looking for. I felt it was unfair for just me to have this privilege so encouraged him to do the same. He wasn't keen but agreed because he could see that I was feeling so guilty. He started seeing a girl and I was completely wrong to do it, but I looked at his messages. In them they discussed about potentially not using a condom (which is our number one rule). Not just for protection but also so that the intimacy is reserved for just us. I went mental and also discovered that he had lied to me about how far they had gone. Honesty is a massive thing to me and I felt my trust had been completely broken. It was the first time in our relationship he had ever let me down. I found it really difficult but we managed to find a way to move on. Cut to about 5 months later and last week, when he handed me his computer, the clipboard came up and it showed a message he had written. I said "I've just seen something and I think we need to talk about it". He grabbed the computer and deleted the message but it was too late. It was very obvious that the message was aimed at a guy. Since we first met I've suspected he may be bicurious but he's always flatly denied any interest. Several times over the years I've let him know that should he ever feel like that, it's something i'd be open to discussing and exploring. It turns out, since we opened our relationship he's been registered on a gay website that I knew nothing about and has been messaging guys and watching gay porn. I was shocked but mainly hurt that he hadn't told me. I asked him if he'd met anybody and he said very strongly that he absolutely hadn't and he was just curious. 20 minutes later and he confessed that three weeks earlier he had taken time off work and met up with a guy for a drink. This floored me, he had lied yet again and managed to sneak off and meet someone with me being none the wiser. After all of his "I'll never lie to you again", "This family means too much to me to hurt you again" etc, he's done it yet again. I honestly believe if we hadn't opened our marriage then none of this would have happened but like I said to him, you only see somebody's true colours when you put them in a difficult situation. I know nobody is perfect but I compromised my personal needs to settle for somebody who I thought would be low risk and never let me down. I might as well have married somebody who I did those amazing fireworks and chemistry with because I've ended getting hurt anyway. I know it's early days and even in that time, we have talked so much and are back at ease around each other again. However, physically I can't bring myself to be with him. I forced myself the other night in the hope it would help but I had to ask him to stop. If he holds my hand, I feel nothing, if he cuddles me, I feel nothing. The way we're going I can see us continuing to live together and co-parent but no longer be a couple. This isn't what I wanted for my children and my husband is desperate to make things work..." Your relationship is a sham...you got got married on very dubious grounds,grounds that have now collapsed..i cant believe he'd degrade himself this much to actually be with a woman.he's willingly married,and had kids with a woman who does not find him attractive,and is just with him because he's a low risk option!fuck me what a shit reason to build a relationship,and start a family with. Ok he could have been more honest with you but then again it sounds like you two should never have got together in the first place. I'm with Cath because I fancy the fuck out of her,and enjoy being with her,and what she adds to my life.not because she's an option to not hurt me so much at some random point in the future | |||
"somebody who would be so grateful to be with me that they'd never risk hurting me" You forgot there are two people in a relationship, you hurt him every time you "don't fancy him" then almost forced him into a situation where people would fancy him for who he is and see him as a whole person. Not surprising that those temporary affairs give him so much pleasure compared to the torment you have to offer. My advice for what it is worth, close down the relationship for a while, use the friendship side to see if you can rebuild it, but if you can't love him fully then let him find someone who will. | |||
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"I'm sure that he enjoyed the fact that his encounters fancied him, something that you clearly don't as you have said. I feel sorry for the guy, he deserves better." Agreed to be told by your other half that you do not fancy them no matter what must have hurt him and the o p seems to feel sorry for herself we are gettig only one version of things and should omagone this being discussed openly on a site that I assume he not aware of is in my view distasteful. If he is aware your on here posting things about what is ultimately between you both. If this was a male posting this tbe replies would definetly have not been as sympathetic. | |||
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"I was planning to show him these responses in the hope he may see that he deserves better (as I've already told him countless times) but I know his response will be that as long as he's happy being with me, there's no issue." I can't understand why u feel the need to make him be the one that ends the relationship if you personally want out which in my opinion only reading between the lines then grow a pair and tell him not just keep trying to force him into making the decision that you want so you can walk away Scott free saying I told u so | |||
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"Getting into any relationship for reasons other than loving someone and wanting them is going to cause problems. You told him in the beginning that you didn't fancy him so more fool him for accepting it. However now you've given him the green light to see other people I don't really think you have the right to be butt hurt over it. Yes he's lied about his interest and communication with men but he's probably trying to digest it himself. Can't be easy going all those years with a woman who he knows doesn't fancy him and has just settled for him rather than wanting him, can't do anything for his confidence, maybe he wants to feel desired and wanted, faith in women may have been destroyed so now likes men!" He's said he's been curious since he was 16 and i'm not mad about him seeing somebody, I was mad about him lying about it. That's the only problem I have with him, that he has broken my trust and lied when I have always been (to a fault) totally honest with him. | |||
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"I'm sure that he enjoyed the fact that his encounters fancied him, something that you clearly don't as you have said. I feel sorry for the guy, he deserves better." | |||
"op reap what you sow" | |||
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"You've talked a good storey, the bit about comdoms to save the intermancy ,,, what intermancy , save him sharing his income. This fella has probably told you every day how he loved you , and had to watch , knowing you couldn't bring yourself to say the same back . Do him a favour let him go" I love all the assumptions that she's with him for money A little outdated don't you think?
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"You've talked a good storey, the bit about comdoms to save the intermancy ,,, what intermancy , save him sharing his income. This fella has probably told you every day how he loved you , and had to watch , knowing you couldn't bring yourself to say the same back . Do him a favour let him go" "I'm sure that he enjoyed the fact that his encounters fancied him, something that you clearly don't as you have said. I feel sorry for the guy, he deserves better." I agree with both of these. It's sounds like your trying to get him to be them one to leave. You married him for the wrong reasons, you should be the one to make the decision | |||
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"You've talked a good storey, the bit about comdoms to save the intermancy ,,, what intermancy , save him sharing his income. This fella has probably told you every day how he loved you , and had to watch , knowing you couldn't bring yourself to say the same back . Do him a favour let him go I love all the assumptions that she's with him for money A little outdated don't you think?
"Every response has been based on assumption made on a one sided account of what sounds like a very sad situation. | |||
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"Things have a way of coming back to bite you in the ass ...... nuff said !!" | |||
"You've talked a good storey, the bit about comdoms to save the intermancy ,,, what intermancy , save him sharing his income. This fella has probably told you every day how he loved you , and had to watch , knowing you couldn't bring yourself to say the same back . Do him a favour let him go I love all the assumptions that she's with him for money A little outdated don't you think?
Every response has been based on assumption made on a one sided account of what sounds like a very sad situation."Of course. The money comments just smacked particularly of sexism though. | |||
"You've talked a good storey, the bit about comdoms to save the intermancy ,,, what intermancy , save him sharing his income. This fella has probably told you every day how he loved you , and had to watch , knowing you couldn't bring yourself to say the same back . Do him a favour let him go I love all the assumptions that she's with him for money A little outdated don't you think?
Every response has been based on assumption made on a one sided account of what sounds like a very sad situation.
Of course. The money comments just smacked particularly of sexism though."I think sexism has played a part in most of the responses.....imagine a man posting this  | |||
"This is a long story but I feel it's only fair for you to get the full facts before replying. Growing up I was surrounded by broken and failed relationships. I was always determined that I would do things differently and rather than marry somebody purely based on the usual things, I took an old fashioned approach. I wanted to be with somebody decent, loyal, honest, hard working and most importantly, somebody who would be a fantastic father. Also, however bad this sounds, somebody who would be so grateful to be with me that they'd never risk hurting me. When I met my hubby I didn't fancy him and I was still not over my ex but he didn't give up. Eventually his personality won me over and he seemed to fit what I wanted in a life long partner and father to my future children. He proposed after 6 months and I accepted. We were due to get married two years later but my mum's cancer became terminal and so in fact we got married within a year of first meeting! Four months later I got pregnant and since then we've had another child. He has never failed to be the husband and father I knew he would be. For six years I managed to quell any feelings I had about not fancying him because it was a sacrifice worth making. However, a year ago I got to the point where I was finding it harder to resist cheating. I couldn't imagine going the rest of my life without experiencing those butterflies and excitement again. I didn't want to disrespect the man I love by going behind his back so it resulted in a very difficult and honest conversation. I want to point out at this point that he's always known about how I feel about him physically, right from the very beginning but chose to be with me anyway. It was his suggestion that I go out and find what i'm looking for. I felt it was unfair for just me to have this privilege so encouraged him to do the same. He wasn't keen but agreed because he could see that I was feeling so guilty. He started seeing a girl and I was completely wrong to do it, but I looked at his messages. In them they discussed about potentially not using a condom (which is our number one rule). Not just for protection but also so that the intimacy is reserved for just us. I went mental and also discovered that he had lied to me about how far they had gone. Honesty is a massive thing to me and I felt my trust had been completely broken. It was the first time in our relationship he had ever let me down. I found it really difficult but we managed to find a way to move on. Cut to about 5 months later and last week, when he handed me his computer, the clipboard came up and it showed a message he had written. I said "I've just seen something and I think we need to talk about it". He grabbed the computer and deleted the message but it was too late. It was very obvious that the message was aimed at a guy. Since we first met I've suspected he may be bicurious but he's always flatly denied any interest. Several times over the years I've let him know that should he ever feel like that, it's something i'd be open to discussing and exploring. It turns out, since we opened our relationship he's been registered on a gay website that I knew nothing about and has been messaging guys and watching gay porn. I was shocked but mainly hurt that he hadn't told me. I asked him if he'd met anybody and he said very strongly that he absolutely hadn't and he was just curious. 20 minutes later and he confessed that three weeks earlier he had taken time off work and met up with a guy for a drink. This floored me, he had lied yet again and managed to sneak off and meet someone with me being none the wiser. After all of his "I'll never lie to you again", "This family means too much to me to hurt you again" etc, he's done it yet again. I honestly believe if we hadn't opened our marriage then none of this would have happened but like I said to him, you only see somebody's true colours when you put them in a difficult situation. I know nobody is perfect but I compromised my personal needs to settle for somebody who I thought would be low risk and never let me down. I might as well have married somebody who I did those amazing fireworks and chemistry with because I've ended getting hurt anyway. I know it's early days and even in that time, we have talked so much and are back at ease around each other again. However, physically I can't bring myself to be with him. I forced myself the other night in the hope it would help but I had to ask him to stop. If he holds my hand, I feel nothing, if he cuddles me, I feel nothing. The way we're going I can see us continuing to live together and co-parent but no longer be a couple. This isn't what I wanted for my children and my husband is desperate to make things work..." You're in a relationship that was doomed to fail and that you have steered in a direction that has left you in a shit situation. Your husband is in the wrong too but I can't help feeling sorry fir him. Neither of you are happy and I can't see the point in staying together for the kids | |||
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"Before I met my hubby, my last boyfriend totally broke my trust and my heart. I took an overdose and I've never been so low. Then came along hubby like a knight to sweep me off my feet. I guess I didn't trust myself to handle any future hurt so tried to limit it. Talk of me being selfish is absolutely warranted and it has been said before. My husband is 1000% better than me as a person which is why I've tried so hard over the years to find him attractive as it's literally the only piece of the puzzle missing. I'd like to think I've been a good wife generally and have kept him sexually satisfied but even he must crave that "genuine" attention. We are best friends and love each others company. I'm sure we can make it work somehow but wanted to find out if anybody else had dealt with a similar situation x" I know of people that stay together purely as friends but no sex whatsoever. It can work great if you both want that. Ask yourself this. If you didn't have kids together, what would you do now? Stay together or split? | |||
"I'm sure that he enjoyed the fact that his encounters fancied him, something that you clearly don't as you have said. I feel sorry for the guy, he deserves better." Agree as it seems all about what she wants and not the bloke | |||
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"I'm sure that he enjoyed the fact that his encounters fancied him, something that you clearly don't as you have said. I feel sorry for the guy, he deserves better." I'm sorry to say I agree, being seen as 'safe' kinda sucks, i know from personal experience | |||
"I'm sure that he enjoyed the fact that his encounters fancied him, something that you clearly don't as you have said. I feel sorry for the guy, he deserves better. Agree as it seems all about what she wants and not the bloke " | |||
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"I'm not going to be as harsh as others have nor as sympathetic as others have. I'm going to advise that mistakes have happened. Now it's time to rectify. You need to sit down and have a bloody good Chat. You both clearly seek action elsewhere. You've already started the ball rolling. Tell each other your absolute fantasies and how far you are willing to go with them. Also stress the ground rules, with reference to bareback as you mentioned. Work on your relationship at the same time. You dont fancy him but you still love him right? Make the best of what you do have between you. This is fixable. Give it a go. Good luck." What a levelheaded response. | |||
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"Getting into any relationship for reasons other than loving someone and wanting them is going to cause problems. You told him in the beginning that you didn't fancy him so more fool him for accepting it. However now you've given him the green light to see other people I don't really think you have the right to be butt hurt over it. Yes he's lied about his interest and communication with men but he's probably trying to digest it himself. Can't be easy going all those years with a woman who he knows doesn't fancy him and has just settled for him rather than wanting him, can't do anything for his confidence, maybe he wants to feel desired and wanted, faith in women may have been destroyed so now likes men! He's said he's been curious since he was 16 and i'm not mad about him seeing somebody, I was mad about him lying about it. That's the only problem I have with him, that he has broken my trust and lied when I have always been (to a fault) totally honest with him." Honesty is overrated... Very often "honest" people will spout about their own honesty, yet totally neglect their omissions. Did you from day one say "I don't love you, but I want a protector and provider for my children" & "will never be excited to see you, but I'm willing to do you the favour of allowing you to marry me". See how "honesty" with omissions works. Too many people relate honesty to the confessions they see on Eastenders. | |||
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"You married a guy you didn't fancy to hopefully be with someone who wouldn't let you down . You missed the buzz of being with someone who would get you excited , as he didn't . So you contrived a way to get your husband into letting you find fun elsewhere . You felt bad so told him to do the same . And you wonder why you are where you are now ? I feel sorry for him , he has been forced into accepting you married him for the wrong reasons . And he has been seeking what you can never give him elsewhere . " all relationships are complex but I have to say I agree with this post. Why not make a break of it and go your separate ways and enjoy the life you want and let him do the same. Kids are resilient if you handle the situation with care | |||
"Obviously I've come under a lot of fire for this thread. Understandably so. I appreciate those who are genuinely trying to help. He knows that I've posted on here and trusts that those people we have met would show the discretion that we all hopefully apply on here. Those who have messaged me to say that I've turned my husband gay, I think perhaps you need to look at your knowledge on sexuality! " If you get abusive mail report it. x | |||
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" Honesty is overrated... Very often "honest" people will spout about their own honesty, yet totally neglect their omissions. Did you from day one say "I don't love you, but I want a protector and provider for my children" & "will never be excited to see you, but I'm willing to do you the favour of allowing you to marry me". See how "honesty" with omissions works. Too many people relate honesty to the confessions they see on Eastenders. " My thoughts exactly. | |||
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"You married a guy you didn't fancy to hopefully be with someone who wouldn't let you down . You missed the buzz of being with someone who would get you excited , as he didn't . So you contrived a way to get your husband into letting you find fun elsewhere . You felt bad so told him to do the same . And you wonder why you are where you are now ? I feel sorry for him , he has been forced into accepting you married him for the wrong reasons . And he has been seeking what you can never give him elsewhere . " | |||
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"We have just read through all of responses together. Thank you. " Can't imagine that was easy for either of you. Good luck to you both | |||
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"Good lord lots of judgements. Throughout history and cultures people marry for different reasons. Love often grows in these relationships even if lust doesn't. Give the woman a break providing she has been honest about the settling and hubby knowing, he doesn't need sympathy (and probably doesn't want it)." The lass wanted people's opinions and she got them. Seems happy with the responses as well. What are you not happy about? | |||
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"I also think this is unfair if you to post this here OP. According to a few posts above your husband is known to others on this site "Totally agree and looking at the amount of veris on their couple account she's just outed him to an awful lot of people. Very wrong. Dirty washing n all that.... | |||
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"Good lord lots of judgements. Throughout history and cultures people marry for different reasons. Love often grows in these relationships even if lust doesn't. Give the woman a break providing she has been honest about the settling and hubby knowing, he doesn't need sympathy (and probably doesn't want it). The lass wanted people's opinions and she got them. Seems happy with the responses as well. What are you not happy about? " I simply feel for the couple's situation. | |||
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" The lass wanted people's opinions and she got them. Seems happy with the responses as well. What are you not happy about? I simply feel for the couple's situation. " I feel for the kids. | |||
"I'm sure that he enjoyed the fact that his encounters fancied him, something that you clearly don't as you have said. I feel sorry for the guy, he deserves better." | |||
"We have just read through all of responses together. Thank you. " As if thats true. | |||
"We have just read through all of responses together. Thank you. As if thats true." Do you ever write anything with empathy/support? Do you ever write anything nice? You really come across as a bitter person towards women. Perhaps you're that way towards men, but I haven't picked up on that. | |||
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"To the OP.... People make mistakes - especially when in relationships. Yes, you've been honest (as you said, to a fault) but I get the impression you feel this exonerates you in some way. Sit down, draw a great big line under it, and for once have an "honest" discussion with each other. Set the scene with, anything that has been done to this point is acceptable - shake on it - I know it sounds daft, but you have to get back to an even honesty keel before you can move forward. Otherwise there will always be "something" you've not told each other. Give each other the chance then to tell the other - everything. Get it all out. Do a deal that , by the end of the conversation neither of you would have any issues showing each other private messages etc. If he's been off with others or whatever it needs to be in the table. Reassure each other, give examples, that whatever is said will be taken as happening before today. Then, only then, can you start to talk about moving forward - honestly. If he wants unprotected gay gang bangs - then so be it. At least you'll know and you can both work out what you are going to do. Please - give each other the respect to do this and whatever future you may have together it should include both of you having the freedom to live your lives how you want to. As has already been said - 2 happy fulfilled parents are definitely better than 2 unhappy ones. D. " A good take on it all and probably one of only two possible ways forward. | |||
"Tie him up and spank him. You'll feel better and he'll probably enjoy it. " | |||
"Yep poor guy didn't even seek others untill you told him too - now he went elsewhere you're furious You bit the hand that fed you - deal with ittt !!!! " I totally agree with this. You 'made do' when you married him, you pushed him to see other people and now you feel like he's in the wrong somehow. I don't think either of you have been truly happy. Your hubby has probably pushed aside his feelings for years and put you and kids first. He probably feels guilty. My sympathies lie with you both but in my opinion it may be best if you split. Kids pick up on u happy vibes. At the end of the day a year down the line you could either still be dreadfully unhappy. Or you could have spent a year building on a great friendship that makes you all happier. Good luck! | |||
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" The lass wanted people's opinions and she got them. Seems happy with the responses as well. What are you not happy about? I simply feel for the couple's situation. I feel for the kids. " | |||
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"To be clear, I have absolutely no objection to him meeting men or women. It's the lying that was the problem for me." That's why you were both in the wrong. Him for lying, you for being calculating and manipulative. People seem to be of the general consensus that your transgressions are worse than his, thus you have no right to be indignant about his lying.. | |||
"I couldn't imagine going the rest of my life without experiencing those butterflies and excitement again. I didn't want to disrespect the man I love by going behind his back so it resulted in a very difficult and honest conversation. " You play with fire, you get burned. | |||
"To be clear, I have absolutely no objection to him meeting men or women. It's the lying that was the problem for me." I think a bit of lying might have been better here to be honest. Brutal honesty about the fact you settled for him hasn't worked out so well. I'm sure I'll be against the "honesty is best" consensus on here but to me it would have been better to quietly and discreetly do what you needed to do without involving him in it and without letting him know he wasn't good enough. | |||
"To be clear, I have absolutely no objection to him meeting men or women. It's the lying that was the problem for me. I think a bit of lying might have been better here to be honest. Brutal honesty about the fact you settled for him hasn't worked out so well. I'm sure I'll be against the "honesty is best" consensus on here but to me it would have been better to quietly and discreetly do what you needed to do without involving him in it and without letting him know he wasn't good enough. " I don't fully agree but this ^^^ would have been a better option, I don't agree with lying but as someone else said, he probably lied to save you feeling as rubbish as he did, because he clearly loves you. | |||
"No it isn't your fault. His feelings would most probably have manifested themselves in some way regardless of whether you chose to open up your relationship, especially if he's always felt like he was the person you settled for not the person you wanted. How does that make any sense ? He is bound to feel like he us the one she settled for yet you say it's not her fault ? The question I got from the OP was that she was wondering whether it was her fault for opening up their relationship. (Playing Devils' advocate, you could also argue that if he shouldn't have allowed himself to be the one someone settled for in the first place, it takes two people to get into a relationship.) I don't know whether we are reading the same thing into it here . I was getting the impression that the op was wondering if it was her fault for feeling lost and upset at the situation she is in , not just for opening up their relationship . Hence the length and detail of the post . But I agree , it takes 2 to establish a relationship
I'll be honest I skim read a little due to the length of it so it's entirely possible I missed the point. "What, really.. A woman who didn't pay attention to what others are talking about but still wants to give her opinion on the subject anyway, i don't believe it  | |||
"My own opinion of this is the OP needed the safety blanket and admiration offered by someone who didn't seem themselves worthy to be with her and therefore never dare to leave her. While that offered comfort it didn't set her world on fire and therefore she felt the need to find this elsewhere. She was honest with her partner about doing so and to relieve her guilt encouraged him to do the same. Here is my issue that I don't think anyone else has picked up on... At this point she felt threatened by him getting attention from other people... Why else would she feel the need, or have the right, to read his personal messages? Perceived rejection? What if someone took her safety blanket away? What if someone showed him how different life could be and how a mutually loving and affection relationship can really work? Then what? She'd be stuck without the one guy she chose that was 'beneath her' who she trusted never to leave her. She wanted everything and manipulated a situation to ensure she got it. Love is blind and powerful and can be abused... When instead it should be cherished or set free. " grow up and sort it out it's easy ....... if you want to | |||
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"Hey guys n gals... I'm not sure she's even reading our responses, she's still meeting guys, as recently as last night according to her status, so I don't think she's that bothered lol! "And if you bothered to read the thread you'd see her responses. | |||
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"Meeting people doesn't mean i'm not bothered. Hubby gets a sexual kick out of me sleeping with other men and I obviously love it. More negative opinions coming my way I suspect." Does he get a kick out of humiliation? That is a serious question. | |||
"Hey guys n gals... I'm not sure she's even reading our responses, she's still meeting guys, as recently as last night according to her status, so I don't think she's that bothered lol!
And if you bothered to read the thread you'd see her responses."Why so desperate to stick up for a text book narcissist? | |||
"Hey guys n gals... I'm not sure she's even reading our responses, she's still meeting guys, as recently as last night according to her status, so I don't think she's that bothered lol!
And if you bothered to read the thread you'd see her responses.
Why so desperate to stick up for a text book narcissist? " | |||
" Why so desperate to stick up for a text book narcissist? "    !! | |||
" Why so desperate to stick up for a text book narcissist?
!!"At least that shut you up  | |||
"Meeting people doesn't mean i'm not bothered. Hubby gets a sexual kick out of me sleeping with other men and I obviously love it. More negative opinions coming my way I suspect." Read the OP then answer it as though it was a stranger writing it.... | |||
" Why so desperate to stick up for a text book narcissist?
!!
At least that shut you up "Nothing shuts me up for long! Apart from a vagina in my mouth! | |||
"I am sure this thread gave him a real confidence boost........NOT!! Poor bloke!" Yeah. OP kicked her guys heart in the ass and is now draggingvit through the forums for all to see. This thread makes me sad | |||
"I am sure this thread gave him a real confidence boost........NOT!! Poor bloke!" Yeah. OP kicked her guys heart in the ass and is now dragging it through the forums for all to see. This thread makes me sad | |||
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"There are social pressures keeping you together ... And sexual desires causing you to seek others.. If you're both open with each other I hope you can find this unconventional arrangement working for you.. Just don't dwell on the negatives... And there's no point in aspiring to a normal lifestyle... What is normality anyway.. Love hugs and good luck for your future xx "Thank you very much, we love each other so much and are best friends. We love each others' company and obviously enjoy parenting our children together. It just doesn't make sense to us to separate. He's happy for me to have sex with him as well as others and should he want to do the same i'm happy to support him. I just think that you need to have a very good open communication for that to work. I honestly don't believe that anybody can fulfil every single one of your needs but that's ok. Just like I can't possibly fulfil all of his needs either. We just feel that if we've got it 85% right then we're pretty lucky. It was just this bump in the road that took me by surprise but I guess it's to be expected. As long as we both want it to work and still want to be with each other then I don't really understand why people have taken such massive offence to our situation. | |||
"There are social pressures keeping you together ... And sexual desires causing you to seek others.. If you're both open with each other I hope you can find this unconventional arrangement working for you.. Just don't dwell on the negatives... And there's no point in aspiring to a normal lifestyle... What is normality anyway.. Love hugs and good luck for your future xx
Thank you very much, we love each other so much and are best friends. We love each others' company and obviously enjoy parenting our children together. It just doesn't make sense to us to separate. He's happy for me to have sex with him as well as others and should he want to do the same i'm happy to support him. I just think that you need to have a very good open communication for that to work. I honestly don't believe that anybody can fulfil every single one of your needs but that's ok. Just like I can't possibly fulfil all of his needs either. We just feel that if we've got it 85% right then we're pretty lucky. It was just this bump in the road that took me by surprise but I guess it's to be expected. As long as we both want it to work and still want to be with each other then I don't really understand why people have taken such massive offence to our situation."Because they do. Simple fact of life. Personally I wish you the best of luck and hope it works out for you both. | |||
"There are social pressures keeping you together ... And sexual desires causing you to seek others.. If you're both open with each other I hope you can find this unconventional arrangement working for you.. Just don't dwell on the negatives... And there's no point in aspiring to a normal lifestyle... What is normality anyway.. Love hugs and good luck for your future xx
Thank you very much, we love each other so much and are best friends. We love each others' company and obviously enjoy parenting our children together. It just doesn't make sense to us to separate. He's happy for me to have sex with him as well as others and should he want to do the same i'm happy to support him. I just think that you need to have a very good open communication for that to work. I honestly don't believe that anybody can fulfil every single one of your needs but that's ok. Just like I can't possibly fulfil all of his needs either. We just feel that if we've got it 85% right then we're pretty lucky. It was just this bump in the road that took me by surprise but I guess it's to be expected. As long as we both want it to work and still want to be with each other then I don't really understand why people have taken such massive offence to our situation."Good luck to you both. As for why some people took such massive offence, well I think parts of your opening post sounded very blunt. Coupled with people's enjoyment of slating other people's relationship decisions on here, then I think you have your answer. | |||
"I'm not going to be as harsh as others have nor as sympathetic as others have. I'm going to advise that mistakes have happened. Now it's time to rectify. You need to sit down and have a bloody good Chat. You both clearly seek action elsewhere. You've already started the ball rolling. Tell each other your absolute fantasies and how far you are willing to go with them. Also stress the ground rules, with reference to bareback as you mentioned. Work on your relationship at the same time. You dont fancy him but you still love him right? Make the best of what you do have between you. This is fixable. Give it a go. Good luck." | |||
"I said to him, you only see somebody's true colours when you put them in a difficult situation" I think the actual adage is that you only see someone's true colours when they get put in a difficult situation... not when you put them in it. In general when a friend puts another friend in a difficult situation that usually tells you more about the friend who's dumped their mate in it than their mate. Just based on the story you've told, I must confess I think you'd have wrecked my head. I'd suggest a romantic holiday away, just the two of you, to see if you can rekindle some magic somewhere before this hurting goes any further. | |||
"There are social pressures keeping you together ... And sexual desires causing you to seek others.. If you're both open with each other I hope you can find this unconventional arrangement working for you.. Just don't dwell on the negatives... And there's no point in aspiring to a normal lifestyle... What is normality anyway.. Love hugs and good luck for your future xx
Thank you very much, we love each other so much and are best friends. We love each others' company and obviously enjoy parenting our children together. It just doesn't make sense to us to separate. He's happy for me to have sex with him as well as others and should he want to do the same i'm happy to support him. I just think that you need to have a very good open communication for that to work. I honestly don't believe that anybody can fulfil every single one of your needs but that's ok. Just like I can't possibly fulfil all of his needs either. We just feel that if we've got it 85% right then we're pretty lucky. It was just this bump in the road that took me by surprise but I guess it's to be expected. As long as we both want it to work and still want to be with each other then I don't really understand why people have taken such massive offence to our situation."Have people taken offence? Or have people just not given you the answer you wanted? And to be honest this post seems to be massively backpedaling from the picture you painted in your opening post | |||
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" Cos he's read the odd book and thinks he knows it all. I was gobsmacked at his judgement call earlier in the thread. The woman has simply made life decisions based on her own life experiences. We all do it. She has since found her choices have consequences that shocked her. Nothing out of the ordinary there as I think most of us with a few years under our belts can relate to." Haha whatever. I know the signs. Nothing to do with book reading, although I do enjoy a good read as well. How perceptive of you. If a very small number of you want to make excuses for truly reprehensible behaviour, then feel free. | |||
" Cos he's read the odd book and thinks he knows it all. I was gobsmacked at his judgement call earlier in the thread. The woman has simply made life decisions based on her own life experiences. We all do it. She has since found her choices have consequences that shocked her. Nothing out of the ordinary there as I think most of us with a few years under our belts can relate to. Haha whatever. I know the signs. Nothing to do with book reading, although I do enjoy a good read as well. How perceptive of you. If a very small number of you want to make excuses for truly reprehensible behaviour, then feel free. " "Whatever" now there's a post that counteracts mine . | |||
" "Whatever" now there's a post that counteracts mine ."It's impossible to counteract that without impact. | |||
" "Whatever" now there's a post that counteracts mine .
It's impossible to counteract that without impact. "You didn't care about the impact you had on the OP following her character assassination. | |||
" "Whatever" now there's a post that counteracts mine .
It's impossible to counteract that without impact.
You didn't care about the impact you had on the OP following her character assassination."What? You've misread my post. The lack of comma was intentional. Everybody bar yourself and a handful of others are in agreement that the OP's behaviour was/is manipulative, controlling, self indulgent, and lacking in empathy. I have simply correlated those traits with narcissism. Suddenly that is an assassination of character.. | |||
" "Whatever" now there's a post that counteracts mine .
It's impossible to counteract that without impact.
You didn't care about the impact you had on the OP following her character assassination.
What? You've misread my post. The lack of comma was intentional.
Everybody bar yourself and a handful of others are in agreement that the OP's behaviour was/is manipulative, controlling, self indulgent, and lacking in empathy. I have simply correlated those traits with narcissism. Suddenly that is an assassination of character.. ""Cold and calculating, lack of empathy, manipulative, attention seeking, self righteous" your words and not a character assassination? | |||
" "Cold and calculating, lack of empathy, manipulative, attention seeking, self righteous" your words and not a character assassination?" She has assassinated her own character with everything she has written on this thread. All of the above words apply, and no i am not the only one to use them. If you cannot see that then we have nothing to discuss. Anyway I'm off to bed, night xxx | |||
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" "Cold and calculating, lack of empathy, manipulative, attention seeking, self righteous" your words and not a character assassination? She has assassinated her own character with everything she has written on this thread. All of the above words apply, and no i am not the only one to use them. If you cannot see that then we have nothing to discuss. Anyway I'm off to bed, night xxx" So you think she is narcissistic? That's a very very dangerous thing to pigeonhole someone with a mental health tag...even trained professionals are hesitant to do it, yet you have no problems in doing so? | |||
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""Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which a person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity, mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and others." I didn't get that from the posts. Misguided, made a mistake, priorities in the wrong place, damaged, has done things I think are completely wrong, potentially not a nice person - absolutely. Narcissistic personality disorder? Really? You found two people on the forums with it in the same day, wow. And even if I did think that was a correct judgement, although what the fuck do I know, I'm an accountant not a psychologist; I don't think diagnosing other posters with personality disorders is acceptable. Sadly it seems the mods do think that it's ok, because I've reported the posts and yet they remain. And yes, before anyone says it, I would be saying the same if the OP was a man." I agree. I do think that there is a lot of narcissism at times on the forums (not necessarily on this thread) but to start accusing someone of having a narcissistic personality disorder based on posts that only present a snap shot of someone's mindset and even worse use the term in a derogatory way to put someone down to strengthen your argument is really not acceptable to me | |||
"You've talked a good storey, the bit about comdoms to save the intermancy ,,, what intermancy , save him sharing his income. This fella has probably told you every day how he loved you , and had to watch , knowing you couldn't bring yourself to say the same back . Do him a favour let him go I love all the assumptions that she's with him for money A little outdated don't you think?
"No, I don't . What I think is any calling out of behaviour . You jump on as being sexist . But this is an appalling way to treat someone. If they are smitten and you are not. You have all the power, and all the responcabilty . We have all dated some one who loves us more than we like them , but you have to do the right thing by them , even if they sob and cry, hang onto your leg begging, telling you they'll take what ever you offer them , . You do what you know is best for them. You don't except those offers 'cause it'll suit you just fine. It's my opinion that should have been done after the second date. | |||
"You've talked a good storey, the bit about comdoms to save the intermancy ,,, what intermancy , save him sharing his income. This fella has probably told you every day how he loved you , and had to watch , knowing you couldn't bring yourself to say the same back . Do him a favour let him go I love all the assumptions that she's with him for money A little outdated don't you think?
No, I don't . What I think is any calling out of behaviour . You jump on as being sexist . But this is an appalling way to treat someone.
If they are smitten and you are not. You have all the power, and all the responcabilty .
We have all dated some one who loves us more than we like them , but you have to do the right thing by them , even if they sob and cry, hang onto your leg begging, telling you they'll take what ever you offer them , . You do what you know is best for them. You don't except those offers 'cause it'll suit you just fine.
It's my opinion that should have been done after the second date.
"Totally agree with you but why the need to mention his money? At no point does she say she was with him for the money or give any indication that was her motivation. If the OP was a man and it was his wife he was talking about, would you have felt the need to bring up "sharing his salary?" | |||
"You've talked a good storey, the bit about comdoms to save the intermancy ,,, what intermancy , save him sharing his income. This fella has probably told you every day how he loved you , and had to watch , knowing you couldn't bring yourself to say the same back . Do him a favour let him go I love all the assumptions that she's with him for money A little outdated don't you think?
No, I don't . What I think is any calling out of behaviour . You jump on as being sexist . But this is an appalling way to treat someone.
If they are smitten and you are not. You have all the power, and all the responcabilty .
We have all dated some one who loves us more than we like them , but you have to do the right thing by them , even if they sob and cry, hang onto your leg begging, telling you they'll take what ever you offer them , . You do what you know is best for them. You don't except those offers 'cause it'll suit you just fine.
It's my opinion that should have been done after the second date.
Totally agree with you but why the need to mention his money? At no point does she say she was with him for the money or give any indication that was her motivation. If the OP was a man and it was his wife he was talking about, would you have felt the need to bring up "sharing his salary?""Again nothing to do with the sex of the OP . security is what the op claimed , to keep her safe from the hooded claw? I very much doubt it . Financial security ? That I'd believe. And I'll tell you what if the op had been male , you would be spitting blood at their behaviour. There'd be no it takes two , no defence for their actions | |||
"You've talked a good storey, the bit about comdoms to save the intermancy ,,, what intermancy , save him sharing his income. This fella has probably told you every day how he loved you , and had to watch , knowing you couldn't bring yourself to say the same back . Do him a favour let him go I love all the assumptions that she's with him for money A little outdated don't you think?
No, I don't . What I think is any calling out of behaviour . You jump on as being sexist . But this is an appalling way to treat someone.
If they are smitten and you are not. You have all the power, and all the responcabilty .
We have all dated some one who loves us more than we like them , but you have to do the right thing by them , even if they sob and cry, hang onto your leg begging, telling you they'll take what ever you offer them , . You do what you know is best for them. You don't except those offers 'cause it'll suit you just fine.
It's my opinion that should have been done after the second date.
Totally agree with you but why the need to mention his money? At no point does she say she was with him for the money or give any indication that was her motivation. If the OP was a man and it was his wife he was talking about, would you have felt the need to bring up "sharing his salary?"
Again nothing to do with the sex of the OP . security is what the op claimed , to keep her safe from the hooded claw?
I very much doubt it .
Financial security ? That I'd believe.
And I'll tell you what if the op had been male , you would be spitting blood at their behaviour. There'd be no it takes two , no defence for their actions
"Well we'll have to agree to disagree. Security is about more than financial security (to me, anyway) and at no point does she say it's about money. She might earn more than him. You don't know, and I don't. So it's sexist that I haven't torn the OP a new one, but it isn't sexist that you're basically claiming she's rinsing him for his money? Aye, right. | |||
"You've talked a good storey, the bit about comdoms to save the intermancy ,,, what intermancy , save him sharing his income. This fella has probably told you every day how he loved you , and had to watch , knowing you couldn't bring yourself to say the same back . Do him a favour let him go I love all the assumptions that she's with him for money A little outdated don't you think?
No, I don't . What I think is any calling out of behaviour . You jump on as being sexist . But this is an appalling way to treat someone.
If they are smitten and you are not. You have all the power, and all the responcabilty .
We have all dated some one who loves us more than we like them , but you have to do the right thing by them , even if they sob and cry, hang onto your leg begging, telling you they'll take what ever you offer them , . You do what you know is best for them. You don't except those offers 'cause it'll suit you just fine.
It's my opinion that should have been done after the second date.
Totally agree with you but why the need to mention his money? At no point does she say she was with him for the money or give any indication that was her motivation. If the OP was a man and it was his wife he was talking about, would you have felt the need to bring up "sharing his salary?"
Again nothing to do with the sex of the OP . security is what the op claimed , to keep her safe from the hooded claw?
I very much doubt it .
Financial security ? That I'd believe.
And I'll tell you what if the op had been male , you would be spitting blood at their behaviour. There'd be no it takes two , no defence for their actions
Well we'll have to agree to disagree. Security is about more than financial security (to me, anyway) and at no point does she say it's about money. She might earn more than him. You don't know, and I don't.
So it's sexist that I haven't torn the OP a new one, but it isn't sexist that you're basically claiming she's rinsing him for his money? Aye, right. "Yep I think agreeing to disagree should be our default setting. | |||
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"as a guy i really feel for the husband, having been in a similar marriage; although without the playing away part. I loved my wife but things changed after my daughter was born, she was never happy with her situation, and frequently said when our daughter was old enough she was leaving me. but i stuck it out as i still loved them both. well when my daughter was 13, the wife was diagnosed with a brain tumor and died 6 months later. Be Careful what you wish for Karma is a bitch. " Wait what, are you saying that because your wife wanted to leave you its karma that she died? | |||
"as a guy i really feel for the husband, having been in a similar marriage; although without the playing away part. I loved my wife but things changed after my daughter was born, she was never happy with her situation, and frequently said when our daughter was old enough she was leaving me. but i stuck it out as i still loved them both. well when my daughter was 13, the wife was diagnosed with a brain tumor and died 6 months later. Be Careful what you wish for Karma is a bitch. Wait what, are you saying that because your wife wanted to leave you its karma that she died?" I hope we're wrong, but that's how I read it too. | |||
"as a guy i really feel for the husband, having been in a similar marriage; although without the playing away part. I loved my wife but things changed after my daughter was born, she was never happy with her situation, and frequently said when our daughter was old enough she was leaving me. but i stuck it out as i still loved them both. well when my daughter was 13, the wife was diagnosed with a brain tumor and died 6 months later. Be Careful what you wish for Karma is a bitch. Wait what, are you saying that because your wife wanted to leave you its karma that she died? I hope we're wrong, but that's how I read it too." what i was pointing out is be careful what you wish for as you may get your wish, but not in a way you expect | |||
