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Telling your partners about encounters
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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If you are in a relationship where swinging has been agreed as ok (i.e. You're not having an affair) and you swing alone without your partners... Do you tell your partners about every meet you have?
I was chatting to someone the other day and they were suprised I hadn't told either of my partners that I had met him for coffee. It's in the boundaries of our relationships for us to do that, so I'm not breaking any rules. But I thought this would be more normal and was quite suprised that it seemed so unusual.
So what are your rules about meeting solo when you're in relationships? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's more about the apparent secrecy than "not breaking any rules". You may know your intentions and actions are "honourable", but your partner(s) now know nothing - finding out later may leave them wondering what else you are "hiding" - even though that is not your intention.
Besides, surely it would be usual to just mention in passing that you met someone for coffee, even if it were just a friend?
Oh, and let's not forget that some people get a kick from hearing about their partner's encounters with others. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It's more about the apparent secrecy than "not breaking any rules". You may know your intentions and actions are "honourable", but your partner(s) now know nothing - finding out later may leave them wondering what else you are "hiding" - even though that is not your intention.
Besides, surely it would be usual to just mention in passing that you met someone for coffee, even if it were just a friend?
"
I guess we just have no real interest in telling each other things like that. I really don't care if my partner meets a friend for lunch, coffee, whatever. To be given the blow-by-blow detail of their lives would just bore me to tears. And neither of them are particularly interested in what I get up to when I'm not with them.
It's not that we're hiding anything, it's just that we don't tell each other what we do all day every day. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's more about the apparent secrecy than "not breaking any rules". You may know your intentions and actions are "honourable", but your partner(s) now know nothing - finding out later may leave them wondering what else you are "hiding" - even though that is not your intention.
Besides, surely it would be usual to just mention in passing that you met someone for coffee, even if it were just a friend?
I guess we just have no real interest in telling each other things like that. I really don't care if my partner meets a friend for lunch, coffee, whatever. To be given the blow-by-blow detail of their lives would just bore me to tears. And neither of them are particularly interested in what I get up to when I'm not with them.
It's not that we're hiding anything, it's just that we don't tell each other what we do all day every day."
I had the feeling you would say that, and I suspect your relationship is very different from the "norm" in that respect. But leaving gaps can leave room for doubt - it can prey on a partner's insecurities, and pave the way for developing emotional intimacy with others.
However, so long as your way of doing things works for those concerned, does it really matter what others do? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I had the feeling you would say that, and I suspect your relationship is very different from the "norm" in that respect. But leaving gaps can leave room for doubt - it can prey on a partner's insecurities, and pave the way for developing emotional intimacy with others.
However, so long as your way of doing things works for those concerned, does it really matter what others do?"
No, it doesn't matter at all what others do. I was just surprised that he'd never come across our way of doing things before. He had assumed I would go home and tell my partners all about him, and he seemed almost a bit when disappointed when I said that they wouldn't have any interest.
I just wondered how everyone else does it. Because I'm a curious kind of person. |
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By *atnat85Woman
over a year ago
northwest |
I swing solo and tell my husband(he has a fwb who's not on here) when I have a meet mainly for safety. He asks questions( he likes hearing about it) but I don't give a blow by blow account. He asks who I'm messaging etc and what stage I'm at with arrangements. I can't do sneaky around as we have an open and honest policy, and in a rubbish liar !x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We can meet separately. V does it more than me. Well lets face it it's easier for her to find a meet 
We do love hearing all the naughty detail. We wouldn't like not knowing. But that's what makes the solo meets work for us. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I swing solo and tell my husband(he has a fwb who's not on here) when I have a meet mainly for safety. He asks questions( he likes hearing about it) but I don't give a blow by blow account. He asks who I'm messaging etc and what stage I'm at with arrangements. I can't do sneaky around as we have an open and honest policy, and in a rubbish liar !x"
I would be terrible at being sneaky! I'm a rubbish liar too! 
I just don't think my partners are interested in what I get up to, and I'm not particularly interested in what they do! |
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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago
Cheshire |
I expect to know upfront to discuss it. And if a situation arises that I can't know upfront, then I expect a text or something to let me know it's happening.
As for details, it totally depends on my mood. Sometimes I get off on hearing the details and other times, I really don't want to know because it may be something that I find a turn off or because I'd just rather not know. I would still expect the option of knowing and nothing being done in secret. |
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By *atnat85Woman
over a year ago
northwest |
I'm not really bothered what he gets up to in that I don't need/want details, I just twitchy if they get up to stuff at work (they work together) , not because of the action, but rather the ramifications and complications if they were caught x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"And for the reverse, I would have to seek permission anyway and would only be permitted to do what was pre agreed with my dominant. Because that's my dynamic. "
Yeah for sure, I think that's a slightly different situation. (And even d/s situations can work differently - my sub is under no obligation to tell me when he meets other people or what he does with them - as long as he doesn't stray outside of our negotiated boundaries.) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I wouldn't want to know. Ignorance is bliss maybe? I'm just not that interested in hearing about a partners sexual encounters with another person because that's between them. It only becomes my business if I'm actually involved not just a peripheral |
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I have two longstanding relationships:
The women concerned know about each other; they both also have other relationships:
We never meet each others' " other interests"; though we know they exist.
And we are also free to see whomsoever we wish.
And we have no interest in each other's movements or meetings, except to know when we might not be " available due to other commitments ".
I suppose the pedantic would say it's " not swinging": and it probably isn't; it's more a type of polyamory.
So although it's a bit different to the OP's situation ( none of us live together, in fact we mostly live in different countries); it never occurs to anyone to tell anyone else what we are doing. Nor do we expect to be told . |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have two longstanding relationships:
The women concerned know about each other; they both also have other relationships:
We never meet each others' " other interests"; though we know they exist.
And we are also free to see whomsoever we wish.
And we have no interest in each other's movements or meetings, except to know when we might not be " available due to other commitments ".
I suppose the pedantic would say it's " not swinging": and it probably isn't; it's more a type of polyamory.
So although it's a bit different to the OP's situation ( none of us live together, in fact we mostly live in different countries); it never occurs to anyone to tell anyone else what we are doing. Nor do we expect to be told ."
Actually that's basically my relationships, although we all swing *as well* and occasionally sleep with each others partners.
I happen to live with one of my partners, but we do so because together we could afford a house three or four times the size of the houses we could afford alone... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm not allowed to fall in love but pretty much anything else goes. Oh and safe sex.
I tell her when I'm meeting.
If I'm going to someone's house I give all the details for safety.
As for what I do; just an indication of the gist rather than full sordid details.
She's not keen on seeing bruising so I cover that but tell her it's there. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Gah! I can't type anything properly this morning.
Rachel, how do you prevent falling in love?
I ran away!
Fair enough.
I can understand that would work."
As soon as we realised it was more than just amazing sex we agreed to part. It hurt but I'm not risking losing my wife. |
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"Gah! I can't type anything properly this morning.
Rachel, how do you prevent falling in love?
I ran away!
Fair enough.
I can understand that would work.
As soon as we realised it was more than just amazing sex we agreed to part. It hurt but I'm not risking losing my wife. "
If only everyone had that clarity |
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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago
hiding from cock pics. |
I don't tell my partners about meets as I find it can only lead do a little bit of jealousy.
I know some people actually get off on it and that is great for them, but I tell them that when I'm with them everything we do is shared, and when I'm not with them I prefer to keep everything private.
They trust me and they know the kind of person I am and we feel so long as I'm safe and using protection they need to have no other concern.
I know this wouldn't work for everybody but this is what works for me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Gah! I can't type anything properly this morning.
Rachel, how do you prevent falling in love?
I ran away!
Fair enough.
I can understand that would work.
As soon as we realised it was more than just amazing sex we agreed to part. It hurt but I'm not risking losing my wife.
If only everyone had that clarity "
Not everyone has a relationship like the one I have. I'd be mad to throw it away. |
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