FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Polyamourous Relationships

Polyamourous Relationships

Jump to: Newest in thread

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

After many many years swinging I've decided it's not for me. So I've decided to venture down the polyamourous route.

Are you in a poly relationship? How did you get there and what advice would you give a total newbie like me?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It is like having several regulars?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

No advice to give but will be interested to hear replies as its something I'm considering too.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It is like having several regulars? "

No, its being in a serious committed relationship with more than one person.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

My wife and I are both poly, and are quite involved in the UK poly scene as well as continuing to enjoy swinging clubs.

In addition to my wife of nearly 19 yesrs I also have a girlfriend of 7 years, she has a husband....you get the picture.

There are several books, websites and online groups which offer information, support and the chance to chat with other poly or poly-curious people. Feel free to PM me if you would like some links.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman over a year ago

evesham

This isn't a dig but can I ask, if swinging isn't for you why do you think poly amoury would be?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It is like having several regulars?

No, its being in a serious committed relationship with more than one person."

What do those commitments require ?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

"It is like having several regulars?

No, its being in a serious committed relationship with more than one person.

What do those commitments require ? "

Polyamory involves multiple serious relationships....the understanding that a person can have deep, loving feelings for more than one other.

There are many 'styles'. Some peiple like to live with partners, some prefer to be solo poly and live alone. I am married but also have a gf who does not live with us, so I see her every couple of weeks.

There are more iterations of course. The bottom line is multiple loving relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I only know a few who have tried poly relationships or threeway relationships.

It's never ended well

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Following along with interest too.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

I know many people for who poly is a way of life and who have been poly for years or even decades.

But then I am quite involved in the poly 'scene', and likely know a lot more people who identify as poly than most people do.

It is not for everyone but it certainly can work. Where is tends to fail is the stereotype of a MF couple looking for a woman to join them. Though that scenario can be successful too.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"This isn't a dig but can I ask, if swinging isn't for you why do you think poly amoury would be? "

Legitimate question. I feel the swinging scene has changed over the last few years (been doing it since early 20s on and off ). Too many just interested in a quick fuck and go which isn't for me. I have many friends who I meet which I enjoy but want something more long term. Ready an article in Cosmopolitan (of all things!! ) and had a light bulb moment.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"My wife and I are both poly, and are quite involved in the UK poly scene as well as continuing to enjoy swinging clubs.

In addition to my wife of nearly 19 yesrs I also have a girlfriend of 7 years, she has a husband....you get the picture.

There are several books, websites and online groups which offer information, support and the chance to chat with other poly or poly-curious people. Feel free to PM me if you would like some links."

I will do thanks. Like always I need to read read read about subjects that interest.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

"This isn't a dig but can I ask, if swinging isn't for you why do you think poly amoury would be?

The Cosmo article about the London social group? That's one of the meetups I organise

Was not a bad article at all though the journalist being under cover was a bit naughty.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Sounds very interesting tbh!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

If anyone would like links to sites with more info, suggestions for books to read, feel free to PM me.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *eanut Butter CupWoman over a year ago

B & M Bargains

Will you be telling your husband?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

"Will you be telling your husband?"

Polyamory involves the knowledge and consent of all involved.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *eanut Butter CupWoman over a year ago

B & M Bargains

"Will you be telling your husband?

Polyamory involves the knowledge and consent of all involved."

That's why I'm asking

if he doesn't know about the swinging then how can polyamory be possible if it means all involved are aware?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Will you be telling your husband?"

He knows I'm on here and I always tell people I meet. So yes I will. Things have moved on since I confided in you but thanks for asking so publicly.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Will you be telling your husband?

Polyamory involves the knowledge and consent of all involved.

That's why I'm asking

if he doesn't know about the swinging then how can polyamory be possible if it means all involved are aware?"

You really can help yourself can you? What is your problem??

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *eanut Butter CupWoman over a year ago

B & M Bargains

"Will you be telling your husband?

Polyamory involves the knowledge and consent of all involved.

That's why I'm asking

if he doesn't know about the swinging then how can polyamory be possible if it means all involved are aware?

You really can help yourself can you? What is your problem??"

I was just asking the question

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

Sounds like a question that could have been left un-asked or asked in private.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *lowercandyWoman over a year ago

Lancashire

"If anyone would like links to sites with more info, suggestions for books to read, feel free to PM me. "

Please do

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *lowercandyWoman over a year ago

Lancashire

"Sounds very interesting tbh! "

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ovely CummingsWoman over a year ago

Peaky Nipples

"After many many years swinging I've decided it's not for me. So I've decided to venture down the polyamourous route.

Are you in a poly relationship? How did you get there and what advice would you give a total newbie like me?"

The ethical slut is a great read, and if like me, you may have many light bulb moments reading it.

I definitely identify as poly, there is a world of difference for me between a play partner and lover, and I'm open to them both and everything in between.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Will you be telling your husband?

Polyamory involves the knowledge and consent of all involved.

That's why I'm asking

if he doesn't know about the swinging then how can polyamory be possible if it means all involved are aware?

You really can help yourself can you? What is your problem??

I was just asking the question "

Your pm says different but can we keep your personal issues out of this and keep the thread about a subject that interests me and others.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *imetoexplore69Couple over a year ago

Aberdeen

"Will you be telling your husband?

Polyamory involves the knowledge and consent of all involved.

That's why I'm asking

if he doesn't know about the swinging then how can polyamory be possible if it means all involved are aware?

You really can help yourself can you? What is your problem??

I was just asking the question

Your pm says different but can we keep your personal issues out of this and keep the thread about a subject that interests me and others."
to be fair she was asking a legitimate question.a poly relashinship means all involved know,but you have apparently told her sometime in the last 5 months that your husband was unaware.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"After many many years swinging I've decided it's not for me. So I've decided to venture down the polyamourous route.

Are you in a poly relationship? How did you get there and what advice would you give a total newbie like me?"

OMG thank you for asking this. Having read the replies this is so me. I need to definitely read up on this more.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm in poly relationships.

My advice: communicate more than you think you need to, and get a google calendar.

(Always happy to answer questions.)

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *litterbabeWoman over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

I am also poly.

As long as the honesty trust and loyalty is there in my relationships, then I feel I have a good strong foundation.

Most other things are negotiable, but definitely for me, and I would have thought most people, I have no compromise on those foundations.

Very similar in that respect, to most relationships, I would have thought.

This lifestyle is definitely not for everybody though I have seen people do their very best, but being unable to cope with jealousy in the long run.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Will you be telling your husband?

Polyamory involves the knowledge and consent of all involved.

That's why I'm asking

if he doesn't know about the swinging then how can polyamory be possible if it means all involved are aware?

You really can help yourself can you? What is your problem??

I was just asking the question

Your pm says different but can we keep your personal issues out of this and keep the thread about a subject that interests me and others.to be fair she was asking a legitimate question.a poly relashinship means all involved know,but you have apparently told her sometime in the last 5 months that your husband was unaware."

Why last 5 months? No she has personal issues with me which should not be part of this thread. She is dragging up old information that was given in confidence along time ago.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

Open, honest communication and a calendar (many people use google) are essentials.

Last week at a social I was asked by a newbie "do you really tell your partners when you want to date someone new?". And of course I do, that level of basic ability to communicate with the important people in your life is vital.

Jealousy comes up often in discussions. I am not the best person to offer advice here as I do not experience jealousy. My wife has, and worked through it. I believe it often stems from a fear of losing your partner to someone else.

Essentially, polyamory is recognising that you can have real romantic/loving feelings for several people. If you have a partner, falling for someone new does not need to change how you feel for the existing partner.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *imetoexplore69Couple over a year ago

Aberdeen

"Will you be telling your husband?

Polyamory involves the knowledge and consent of all involved.

That's why I'm asking

if he doesn't know about the swinging then how can polyamory be possible if it means all involved are aware?

You really can help yourself can you? What is your problem??

I was just asking the question

Why last 5 months? No she has personal issues with me which should not be part of this thread. She is dragging up old information that was given in confidence along time ago."
only going by your profile saying you joined 5 months ago.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Will you be telling your husband?

Polyamory involves the knowledge and consent of all involved.

That's why I'm asking

if he doesn't know about the swinging then how can polyamory be possible if it means all involved are aware?

You really can help yourself can you? What is your problem??

I was just asking the question

Why last 5 months? No she has personal issues with me which should not be part of this thread. She is dragging up old information that was given in confidence along time ago.only going by your profile saying you joined 5 months ago."

Swinging for over 20 years.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *imetoexplore69Couple over a year ago

Aberdeen

"Will you be telling your husband?

Polyamory involves the knowledge and consent of all involved.

That's why I'm asking

if he doesn't know about the swinging then how can polyamory be possible if it means all involved are aware?

You really can help yourself can you? What is your problem??

I was just asking the question

Swinging for over 20 years. "
yes thats my point.you say you have been swinging for 20 years but you acknowledge that your husband wasn't aware until presumably sometime in the last five month as thats how long you have been on here and told someone in that time your husband didn't know.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Will you be telling your husband?

Polyamory involves the knowledge and consent of all involved.

That's why I'm asking

if he doesn't know about the swinging then how can polyamory be possible if it means all involved are aware?

You really can help yourself can you? What is your problem??

I was just asking the question

Swinging for over 20 years. yes thats my point.you say you have been swinging for 20 years but you acknowledge that your husband wasn't aware until presumably sometime in the last five month as thats how long you have been on here and told someone in that time your husband didn't know."

20 years on and off. My personal situation is not up for discussion but this person has chosen to put I am married as she has issues with me personally. As I have stated my situation has changed and I wish to explore a poly relationship. Yes he knows. Now can we get back to advise and not airing dirty laundry which is NOT the purpose of the thread.

Do you have any advise or pointers on the subject that doesn't involve my past.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I am really interested in this subject. My husband and I started swinging three years ago after over 30 years of monogamous marriage. I instigated it and encouraged him to get involved and we had a ball the first two years - lots of fun with lots of different couples and, occasionally, singles. However, I soon realised that he had a tendency to prefer developing a closer, longer standing relationship with a few women whereas I was more into one-off liaisons.

I went through a very tough period of jealousy when I realised his approach and especially over the past year as he has developed a very loving and caring relationship with one woman in particular.

However, it does not have to mean disaster for our marriage. I have lots of time to mull over the situation and have enjoyed lots of different swinging meets and events while he has been away with her. I have learned to put the jealousy aside. I am a lot more confident now that we are still very close and our marriage is a happy, settled one. He still accompanies me to swinging social events to meet up with our very good friends and he quite enjoys hearing about some of my experiences when I am playing solo!

I certainly get the difference between polyamory and swinging - and we are managing both very well within our marriage I think.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *eanut Butter CupWoman over a year ago

B & M Bargains

My question wasn't based on any personal issues. It just seems to me that polyamory should be based on trust and communication. A lot of swingers aren't honest with their partners so I don't see how polyamory could be an option for these people. Maybe I should have worded my original question differently, so that it was less personally aimed, my apologies.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ed wineMan over a year ago

Where the streets have no name

It could be possible if you have a strong self-control emotionally. You must restrain each of those relations in a concrete context.

However, at the end, it will surely bring problems to you and the others

Adrian

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Will you be telling your husband?

He knows I'm on here and I always tell people I meet. So yes I will. Things have moved on since I confided in you but thanks for asking so publicly."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ecretlyASoftieWoman over a year ago

Hull but travel regularly

"My wife and I are both poly, and are quite involved in the UK poly scene as well as continuing to enjoy swinging clubs.

In addition to my wife of nearly 19 yesrs I also have a girlfriend of 7 years, she has a husband....you get the picture.

There are several books, websites and online groups which offer information, support and the chance to chat with other poly or poly-curious people. Feel free to PM me if you would like some links."

I really need to get myself down to one of your London meets

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It could be possible if you have a strong self-control emotionally. You must restrain each of those relations in a concrete context.

However, at the end, it will surely bring problems to you and the others

Adrian"

Why will polyamory always bring problems to the people involved?

And why do you have to 'restrain each of those relations in a concrete context'?

The thing I like about having multiple partners is that I *don't* have to constrain myself emotionally or have self control about who I have feelings for. That's the point. I can have feelings for *anyone* and I can have *as many feelings as I want*.

I think what you are describing is the point of view of someone who is, and will always be, a monogamist. Which is fine - but you appear to know nothing about being in relationships with multiple people!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ed wineMan over a year ago

Where the streets have no name

"It could be possible if you have a strong self-control emotionally. You must restrain each of those relations in a concrete context.

However, at the end, it will surely bring problems to you and the others

Adrian

Why will polyamory always bring problems to the people involved?

And why do you have to 'restrain each of those relations in a concrete context'?

Have you wondered how your partners feel about your polyamory or simply you don't care about their feelings?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ecretlyASoftieWoman over a year ago

Hull but travel regularly

"It could be possible if you have a strong self-control emotionally. You must restrain each of those relations in a concrete context.

However, at the end, it will surely bring problems to you and the others

Adrian

Why will polyamory always bring problems to the people involved?

And why do you have to 'restrain each of those relations in a concrete context'?

Have you wondered how your partners feel about your polyamory or simply you don't care about their feelings?"

I think the whole point about polyamarous partners is they feel and think the same way

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It could be possible if you have a strong self-control emotionally. You must restrain each of those relations in a concrete context.

However, at the end, it will surely bring problems to you and the others

Adrian

Why will polyamory always bring problems to the people involved?

And why do you have to 'restrain each of those relations in a concrete context'?

Have you wondered how your partners feel about your polyamory or simply you don't care about their feelings?"

They all have partners of their own. Of course I care about their feelings. Them being crazy about other people makes me extraordinarily happy.

I don't force anyone to be in a relationship with me - that would be abusive. Everyone is here of their own free will.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'd say we're in the outskirts of polyamory somewhere. Another weird variant lol

We have a strong and committed relationship built over many years. But have always enjoyed having an open house rather than a walled off castle. Now, with swinging, we're looking to enjoy exploring amorous adventures. Most of the time this'll likely be just a bit of giggly fun. But we're also open to more. In swinging terms we're the opposite of those people who won't kiss and prefer mechanical sex rather than risk a tiny drop of intimacy. For us this intimacy is part of the thrill. It's what makes things romantic and scintillatingly erotic... and yes those two words do go together all you nsa fans. This means we're happy to develop friendships, boyfriends, girlfriends, have romantic candlelit meals out, etc. Unlike fully poly people, however, we're content to keep these friendships secondary to our own and may ultimately wind them down if they stop being fun i.e no domestic drudgery involving too many cooks in the kitchen and an overarching commitment to preserve our relationship above all others.

Call it pretend poly, role play poly, or just being a bit hippy

That's where we see ourselves. Of course at this point it's all just wishful thinking... But we'll let you know if it ever becomes a reality xx

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'd say we're in the outskirts of polyamory somewhere. Another weird variant lol

Call it pretend poly, role play poly, or just being a bit hippy

That's where we see ourselves. Of course at this point it's all just wishful thinking... But we'll let you know if it ever becomes a reality xx"

You are pretty much the 'classic' definition of poly. One central couple with secondary and tertiary partners.

It's people like me that don't fit into the scheme very well - because I have no primary partner and no desire to have a primary partner.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Some really interesting stuff coming through. Thank you all for your input.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ecretlyASoftieWoman over a year ago

Hull but travel regularly

"I'd say we're in the outskirts of polyamory somewhere. Another weird variant lol

Call it pretend poly, role play poly, or just being a bit hippy

That's where we see ourselves. Of course at this point it's all just wishful thinking... But we'll let you know if it ever becomes a reality xx"

Dowsnt matter whether you feel it's pretend or not, it sounds just lovely

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"You are pretty much the 'classic' definition of poly. One central couple with secondary and tertiary partners.

It's people like me that don't fit into the scheme very well - because I have no primary partner and no desire to have a primary partner."

I'd say you and Absinthe boy are "classic" poly as you're willing to work at those relationships, treating them seriously even if secondary in some cases. Wash the dishes etc

We're really just amorous swingers at this point; happy to be romantic, happy to be sensual, happy to seduce and to feel feelings. We are to swinging what a Rumi poem is to a tawdry limerick. (ok maybe I overshot my mark there a little lol but you get the point ) I'd say that puts us on the borders of polyamory. Flirting with it and enjoying the tease

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *mmmMaybeCouple over a year ago

West Wales

"I'd say we're in the outskirts of polyamory somewhere. Another weird variant lol

Call it pretend poly, role play poly, or just being a bit hippy

That's where we see ourselves. Of course at this point it's all just wishful thinking... But we'll let you know if it ever becomes a reality xx"

Pretty much where we would like to see ourselves heading, basically everything we already have being shared except the living with part.

Not something you look for though, it just happens & almost happened at the start of the year with just a jealous boyfriend stopping it..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"After many many years swinging I've decided it's not for me. So I've decided to venture down the polyamourous route.

Are you in a poly relationship? How did you get there and what advice would you give a total newbie like me?

The ethical slut is a great read, and if like me, you may have many light bulb moments reading it.

I definitely identify as poly, there is a world of difference for me between a play partner and lover, and I'm open to them both and everything in between.

I am halfway through this book just now and finding it really interesting. The only issue has been trying to hide the title from my young and very nosy son! He announced quite loudly in Asda the other day "Granda, Mum is reading a book about sluts"... trying to get out if that one was tricky

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This is a fascinating and very insightful thread.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

Have you wondered how your partners feel about your polyamory or simply you don't care about their feelings?"

Good grief you have missed the point completely.

My partners are all free to have more partners of their own. It becomes a bit like an extended family.

I love and adore my partners, our feelings are of the utmost importance to all of us.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *hetalkingstoveMan over a year ago

London

I've been doing the poly thing for a couple of years now, and wish I'd come to it sooner. It makes so much more sense for me than monogamy. It can take a bit of work at times, but I really think it's made me a better communicator and better person generally. At least I hope so

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"You are pretty much the 'classic' definition of poly. One central couple with secondary and tertiary partners.

It's people like me that don't fit into the scheme very well - because I have no primary partner and no desire to have a primary partner.

I'd say you and Absinthe boy are "classic" poly as you're willing to work at those relationships, treating them seriously even if secondary in some cases. Wash the dishes etc

I'm not willing to be 'secondary'. That puts me way outside of classic poly, which is a nucleus couple who have feelings (or even just sleep with) others.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"After many many years swinging I've decided it's not for me. So I've decided to venture down the polyamourous route.

Are you in a poly relationship? How did you get there and what advice would you give a total newbie like me?

The ethical slut is a great read, and if like me, you may have many light bulb moments reading it.

I definitely identify as poly, there is a world of difference for me between a play partner and lover, and I'm open to them both and everything in between.

I actually find 'the ethical slut' really unhelpful and I never recommend it to people. I prefer 'more than two' if someone desperately wants to read a book (why don't people read books on how to do monogamy?)

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

There's no right or wrong way to do poly as long as people aren't being hurt.

Eg. Solo poly is a person who lives on their own engaging in multiple relationships without any intention of moving in with anyone.

Relationship anarchy where all ideas of hierarchy and structure are rejected.

I happen to be married to a poly lady but we tend to have relationships with different people.

It's all good.

"More than two" comes highly recommended

"The Ethical Slut" is still a goos starting point in my opinion but is now surpassed by More Than Two.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I have loved reading this thread. All of a sudden I have felt like I finally understand where I am at ... and I am happy with it. Got a lovely warm feeling of belonging now - thanks all - and here's to more exploration and discovery! x

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

"I have loved reading this thread. All of a sudden I have felt like I finally understand where I am at ... and I am happy with it. Got a lovely warm feeling of belonging now - thanks all - and here's to more exploration and discovery! x"

I meet so many people who say that they feel the jigsaw is coming together when they discover polyamory.

Not knocking monogamy, some people arw definitely mono.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"After many many years swinging I've decided it's not for me. So I've decided to venture down the polyamourous route.

Are you in a poly relationship? How did you get there and what advice would you give a total newbie like me?

The ethical slut is a great read, and if like me, you may have many light bulb moments reading it.

I definitely identify as poly, there is a world of difference for me between a play partner and lover, and I'm open to them both and everything in between.

The Ethical Slut is a strange book. It's more just a series of disconnected anecdotes than a guide.

As for books on how to do monogamy, well there are lots of relationship advice books out there, I suppose they fill that category?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

And hello again Rosie!!

*waves*

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I actually find 'the ethical slut' really unhelpful and I never recommend it to people. I prefer 'more than two' if someone desperately wants to read a book (why don't people read books on how to do monogamy?)"

You know what. I didn't realise it until you said so but I agree on the ethical slut. It was a fun read but felt way too much like a preachy 20 something trying desperately to legitimise her lifestyle. Hidden insecurities. She'll probably cringe at it herself when she's older.

We'll have to try more than one xx

p.s people do read tonnes of books on how to do monogamy. Just open the pages of Cosmo once in a while

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

The Ethical Slut is 20 years old and the author is now in her 70s. I know people who know her

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *touchofclassWoman over a year ago

been in better places

A true understanding of everyone's needs and wishes makes for a perfect harmony

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ensualcouple99Couple over a year ago

Colchester

I have always been interested in all the different types of relationships that exist and the balance that exists within them.

Im not sure how to say this and hope it comes across how i want it to.

In a poly relationship where there is a couple who are both having poly relationships does the partner get any say over the poly relationship. I imagine everyone is different probably. But am interested in the dynamics of how all the different polys involved interact or how much they know of the other relationships.

Such an interesting subject.....always fascinated and intrigued to read all views on poly lifestyle choices

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"In a poly relationship where there is a couple who are both having poly relationships does the partner get any say over the poly relationship. I imagine everyone is different probably. But am interested in the dynamics of how all the different polys involved interact or how much they know of the other relationships.

It depends on the individuals. I do not let any partner dictate who I can see. I do not allow veto power.

However I will always listen to a trusted partner if they were offering genuine advice, and I solicit it sometimes from them too.

My partners know pretty much everything about my other partners, and they're often friends with them too. Certainly everyone I'm dating at the moment has met everyone else in person.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

So interesting to read all the inputs

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

So interesting to read all the inputs

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

My wife and I do not veto or influence each other's relationships.

On one occasion I did advise her that I felt a relationship she was in was unhealthy, and likewise she has expressed a concern about one of my exes being unhealthy for me.

But we don't vet partners.

Everybody is aware of everybody else and is given the chance to meet. I will quickly define "metamour" as your partner's partner. I know my metamours and generally get on with them. My wife is good friends with my other partner but that is luck.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Not being ignorant op but having to treat each relationship with equal respect seems like a lot of hard work and some will be treated better than others and what happens if jealousy tears it's head will u cut all emotional ties with the jealous party

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Not being ignorant op but having to treat each relationship with equal respect seems like a lot of hard work and some will be treated better than others and what happens if jealousy tears it's head will u cut all emotional ties with the jealous party"

It's really not hard work.

You should already treat your friends with respect - if you don't then you need to reevaluate how you treat people.

Then just extend that to relationships.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

Yes it is hard work, but very rewarding. And in my case I cannot turn off my ability to have loving feelings for multiple people.

If jealousy rears it's head...we talk....we discuss why someone is jealous and work through it.

I've never cut ties with anyone and remain on good terms after break ups. Poly people tend to handle break ups well.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *uzy444Woman over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"It could be possible if you have a strong self-control emotionally. You must restrain each of those relations in a concrete context.

However, at the end, it will surely bring problems to you and the others

Adrian

Why will polyamory always bring problems to the people involved?

And why do you have to 'restrain each of those relations in a concrete context'?

i classify myself as poly, meaningful relationships with multiple partners, each with a valued and unique dynamic of their own. i totally get the difference between a play partner and poly relationships.

thank you for expressing so eloquently.

i think reading may help my own expression so thank you for the reading recommendation of the person elsewhere on the thread x

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *he horny kinkstersCouple over a year ago

North West

This is a very interesting subject.

What I'd like to know is where do people find the time to see multiple partners? Given the fairly skewed work/life balance a lot of people have these days, scheduling time in to spend with multiple partners must be a nightmare.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

Scheduling is one of the most discussed topics!

My schedule rarely changes so I try to fit in where my partners' schedules allow. Google calendar is very popular.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This is a very interesting subject.

I see one of my partners every week, the others less frequently - about the same amount as a good friend.

I am not the kind of person who desires to spend every waking moment with a partner.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This is a very interesting subject.

BTW - how do you find time to see your friends?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

We have one , it's works for we three - MFF - however we have had some tension over and old flame of his making it an MFFF for some reason not even we girls can figure out

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm thinking me and a couple of solvent men would work. Two lots of Christmas pressies I get and they get to share the bills.

This could really work

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This is a very interesting subject.

I think the sad fact is that most middle aged people have a woefully unhealthy work/life balance. We often have good friends who we barely see once or twice a year. Perhaps the glue that's missing is sexual intimacy? I know it's terrible to say but if a good friend wanted to have sex with me once a week or two, or if they wanted to whisk us of on a dirty weekend, I'd totally make it a priority that it happened. I think the thing is that somewhere in your late 30s lots of people stop thinking of fun things they could do with their friends and just settle into doing stuff with their partner or family. It's probably a side effect of monogamy. You no longer have to impress sexy others. You can just slouch about in your pyjamas.

I think what's missing is the flirtatious sexual element. It keeps the spark alive and helps secondary friendships not feel quite so secondary and sacrificable. I should add that I'm not speaking from experience. It's just a gut feeling of mine and one of the reasons we're swinging

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This is a very interesting subject.

BTW - how do you find time to see your friends?"

This would be my problem. I don't have time for one man or my friends, as it is.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This would be my problem. I don't have time for one man or my friends, as it is. "

I decided my friends were more important, at the moment, than having lots of money. So I cut down the hours I work and study to enable me to spend more time with the people that matter to me.

I made that decision about three years ago after my brother passed away on Christmas day.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *izbitMan over a year ago

St Helens

So which are the best books to read? From a factual based experience and any psychology points?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *it of fun cplCouple over a year ago

village between York and Hull

This is something we are looking into also. I guess it is each to their own but in a way we have become a little bored of just meeting guys for a quickie and in all honesty have more success in town on a night out than on here.

The thought of one guy to build a relationship with and explore sexual boundries is certainly something that is floating our boat at the moment.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"So which are the best books to read? From a factual based experience and any psychology points? "

What do you want to know?

Why do you need a book?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *izbitMan over a year ago

St Helens

"So which are the best books to read? From a factual based experience and any psychology points?

What do you want to know?

Why do you need a book?"

Because I'm intrigued by the posts and also like to read more about experiences and how why it develops

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"So which are the best books to read? From a factual based experience and any psychology points?

What do you want to know?

Why do you need a book?

Because I'm intrigued by the posts and also like to read more about experiences and how why it develops "

It develops because some people don't feel that monogamy is the right thing for their life.

And there are so many different experiences... you'd be better off just chatting to people who are poly. Why not message a few people on this thread to ask questions?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *izbitMan over a year ago

St Helens

"So which are the best books to read? From a factual based experience and any psychology points?

What do you want to know?

Why do you need a book?

Because I'm intrigued by the posts and also like to read more about experiences and how why it develops

It develops because some people don't feel that monogamy is the right thing for their life.

And there are so many different experiences... you'd be better off just chatting to people who are poly. Why not message a few people on this thread to ask questions?"

I'm quite content reading yours and others. But I'm also intrigued by the whole development of serial desires and they're variations. Why I just wondered if there's anything about the psychological side of it

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *izbitMan over a year ago

St Helens

Sorry should of said sexual desires

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think the OP has given me a light bulb moment also , following with interest .

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think the OP has given me a light bulb moment also , following with interest ."

And me. Looks like I'll be on Google all day now. I'm really fascinated about this.

I know a woman who is obviously in a poly relationship but doesn't admit it.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *he horny kinkstersCouple over a year ago

North West

"This is a very interesting subject.

BTW - how do you find time to see your friends?"

I personally have lost touch with most of them over the years for this very reason unfortunately.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *uzy444Woman over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"So which are the best books to read? From a factual based experience and any psychology points?

What do you want to know?

Why do you need a book?

Because I'm intrigued by the posts and also like to read more about experiences and how why it develops

It develops because some people don't feel that monogamy is the right thing for their life.

And there are so many different experiences... you'd be better off just chatting to people who are poly. Why not message a few people on this thread to ask questions?

"
are all your friends the same? do you go and talk to one, you wouldn't talk to another about?..same thing..unique dynamics, as varied as the people involved..just because 'sex' in whatever form, comes about with these people, its about physical expression of that interrelationship for me. i hug and love all my friends. so i love, hug and have sex with all my lovers..no difference, the only difference is that with my 'friends' some don't want to sleep with me and, i don't want to sleep with them, which is fair enough

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

Maybe I am just weird but I keep touch with old friends and ensure close friends get to see me regularly.

We are very close (platonically) with a couple who we see at least once a week, go on holidays together etc.

Friendships and relationships all need effort and nurture.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think the OP has given me a light bulb moment also , following with interest .

And me. Looks like I'll be on Google all day now. I'm really fascinated about this.

I know a woman who is obviously in a poly relationship but doesn't admit it."

I can imagine there's a lot of swingers in what could be described as polyamorous relationships, but who would then be surprised, even shocked to be given that label.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm quite content reading yours and others. But I'm also intrigued by the whole development of serial desires and they're variations. Why I just wondered if there's anything about the psychological side of it

If you mean by this that you're interested in learning how polyamory "evolved" I'd say you've put the cart before the horse. There was an article I read only this morning saying our males used to have a penis bone before our species adopted monogamy. So it's definitely monogamy which is weird and socially imposed imo. That's not to say people can't thrive by being monogamous. Just that if you're interested in studying the evolution of perversions then you can't assume our cultural norms aren't themselves perverse. Oops did I just go high brow

Sorry xx

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just need to ask..... So is it an equal split of time, 4days 3nites for one rest if week for other. Every week or two weeks?

What if one person feels like just a stand by only

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *izbitMan over a year ago

St Helens

Sorry xx"

Great way of putting it and yes I guess that's some of it as 'evolution' is a part both physical and mental. Why I'm intrigued and engrossed in understanding all the differences maybe I've the 'why' paradox going on just a area of human nature I find fascinating

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Just need to ask..... So is it an equal split of time, 4days 3nites for one rest if week for other. Every week or two weeks?

What if one person feels like just a stand by only "

Some people run their relationships that way. Personally I don't. I'm very free and easy and flexible. I also don't feel the need to spend every night in bed with a partner. In fact, I *rarely* spend the night in bed with a partner.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This thread has reminded me that I got part way through writing a book on relationship anarchy and that I should really finish it. :D

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

Frequency and length of visits are what suits.

I live with my wife. I see my long term gf roughly every week. I have another partner who would like a date once a week and a weekend together every 6 weeks.

Also...all the important people in my life know they can ask if they need me for emotional support, dog sitting, or just company.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm poly and in a poly relationship and we are open and honest who we play with so have no issues

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If only one of a married couple has another relationship with a significant other. Is that still poly?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If only one of a married couple has another relationship with a significant other. Is that still poly? "

It can be, depending on the arrangement.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *uzy444Woman over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"If only one of a married couple has another relationship with a significant other. Is that still poly?

It can be, depending on the arrangement."
would you mind expanding on the fundamentals, from your perception, please? x

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

A poly person married to a mono?

I know a lady in the poly scene who's hubby has no interest in dating anyone else. He is happy for her to be poly and it seems to work.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If only one of a married couple has another relationship with a significant other. Is that still poly?

It can be, depending on the arrangement. would you mind expanding on the fundamentals, from your perception, please? x"

Poly relationships can be arranged as a 'hinge', i.e. one person dating two other people (who are not involved with each other). It's very common. I have several friends who live together in this way.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If only one of a married couple has another relationship with a significant other. Is that still poly?

It can be, depending on the arrangement. would you mind expanding on the fundamentals, from your perception, please? x

This is very common especially in the fet scene

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Following with interest.

Have realised lately that I'm not built for monogamy.

I love loving and being in love but can't imagine staying with one person for the rest of my life.

Currently single and in no way interested in a relationship. I'm not emotionally available atm but if I do decide to venture into a relationship again, it will definitely be of a poly variety.

Ironically though, I think jealousy will be an issue I will need to work on if it happens.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This would be my problem. I don't have time for one man or my friends, as it is.

I decided my friends were more important, at the moment, than having lots of money. So I cut down the hours I work and study to enable me to spend more time with the people that matter to me.

I made that decision about three years ago after my brother passed away on Christmas day."

I can't cut down my hours, people rely on me. A few more years and I'll have more time. I don't get paid much anyway, I work for the people who matter to me.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If only one of a married couple has another relationship with a significant other. Is that still poly?

It can be, depending on the arrangement. would you mind expanding on the fundamentals, from your perception, please? x

This is very common especially in the fet scene"

In my real life people would call that having a bit on the side.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *uzy444Woman over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"If only one of a married couple has another relationship with a significant other. Is that still poly?

It can be, depending on the arrangement. would you mind expanding on the fundamentals, from your perception, please? x

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *uzy444Woman over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"If only one of a married couple has another relationship with a significant other. Is that still poly?

It can be, depending on the arrangement. would you mind expanding on the fundamentals, from your perception, please? x

This is very common especially in the fet scene

In my real life people would call that having a bit on the side. "
weve been taught that love is conditional, it should be directed solely at one other person, for a whole lifetime and that this is the only way, to be happy and accepted by society..

how about equals, on both sides?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Very interesting read

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

It's not a bit on the side. We are committed to all our partners.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I would just like to say, although it is not something we have looked into,

This is probably one of the best topics I have read in the forums for a very long time, well done for introducing to it

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If only one of a married couple has another relationship with a significant other. Is that still poly?

It can be, depending on the arrangement. would you mind expanding on the fundamentals, from your perception, please? x

This is very common especially in the fet scene

In my real life people would call that having a bit on the side. "

In my real life people would call it a happy and stable poly relationship.

Perhaps your real life friends are a bit judgemental?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The term 'bit on the side' implies secrecy and therein lis an important factor in polygamy.

In my and my husband's case, we are fully consensual and honest about who we have relationships with. He has one significant other, whilst I tend to keep my liaisons quite casual. But if I found that I was developing a particular attachment to someone else, I would explore this, after talking it through with hubby.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This isn't a dig but can I ask, if swinging isn't for you why do you think poly amoury would be?

The Cosmo article about the London social group? That's one of the meetups I organise

Was not a bad article at all though the journalist being under cover was a bit naughty. "

Curious to read this article if there's a link!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *endrix30Man over a year ago

dudley

I have been interested in Polyamorous relationships for a while and would be happy to enter into such relationships and more than happy to talk to people with the same interest.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I would just like to say, although it is not something we have looked into,

This is probably one of the best topics I have read in the forums for a very long time, well done for introducing to it

Thank you. It is an interesting subject and one I am keen to explore. As is the weird and wonderful world of fab, some people have come up with some great information and resources so a big thank you to them.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

"This isn't a dig but can I ask, if swinging isn't for you why do you think poly amoury would be?

The Cosmo article about the London social group? That's one of the meetups I organise

Was not a bad article at all though the journalist being under cover was a bit naughty.

Curious to read this article if there's a link!"

I don't think it appeared online but it was in print.

I have photos from the print magazine, and could email these if you PM me an address.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"After many many years swinging I've decided it's not for me. So I've decided to venture down the polyamourous route.

Are you in a poly relationship? How did you get there and what advice would you give a total newbie like me?"

I just wanted to thank you from the bottom if my heart for your thread on polamourous relationships. It made me realise that swinging is no longer for me and I have the desire to go down the poly route more. I hadn't realised just how much I had stopped enjoying swinging until your thread and then realised I was more happier in long term relationship's that I'd had on here. I shall be shutting down my profile by the end of the week but couldn't go without saying a massive thank you

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

"After many many years swinging I've decided it's not for me. So I've decided to venture down the polyamourous route.

Are you in a poly relationship? How did you get there and what advice would you give a total newbie like me?

Hope you find happiness

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If only one of a married couple has another relationship with a significant other. Is that still poly?

It can be, depending on the arrangement. would you mind expanding on the fundamentals, from your perception, please? x

This is very common especially in the fet scene

In my real life people would call that having a bit on the side. weve been taught that love is conditional, it should be directed solely at one other person, for a whole lifetime and that this is the only way, to be happy and accepted by society..

how about equals, on both sides? "

Not many people can see that you can love more than one person though

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If only one of a married couple has another relationship with a significant other. Is that still poly?

It can be, depending on the arrangement. would you mind expanding on the fundamentals, from your perception, please? x

This is very common especially in the fet scene

In my real life people would call that having a bit on the side.

In my real life people would call it a happy and stable poly relationship.

Perhaps your real life friends are a bit judgemental?"

Judgemental and conditioned to think people should only have one partner. Quite a few of them have had a bit on the side that their partners didn't know about.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If only one of a married couple has another relationship with a significant other. Is that still poly?

It can be, depending on the arrangement. would you mind expanding on the fundamentals, from your perception, please? x

This is very common especially in the fet scene

In my real life people would call that having a bit on the side.

In my real life people would call it a happy and stable poly relationship.

Perhaps your real life friends are a bit judgemental?

Judgemental and conditioned to think people should only have one partner. Quite a few of them have had a bit on the side that their partners didn't know about. "

Well, that's the difference. It's not 'a bit on the side' because that implies secrecy.

There's no secrecy in ethical poly relationships. Everyone knows about everyone else.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *FFB69Woman over a year ago

Torfaen/Gwent

I've considered looking into being poly myself, so this thread has been very interesting.

I am however a very jealous person when I'm in a relationship due to past boyfriends and how they treated me. But then in a poly relationship there wouldn't be cheating as it would be open and honest.

I guess poly is similar to "open" relationships.

Anyway, thanks for a brilliant topic. Makes a nice change from all the "hot or not" posts that are in abundance lately.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This has been fascinating to read, and I guess I've done my brand of poly since starring on the swinging scene. Apart from club visits, and the occasional one off, I've run my profile looking for FWBs, but always more than one at a time. And I've always been very fond of the friendships I've forged, but I guess have always held myself back from thinking about "love". Very interesting, thank you. Xx

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Lol, starting, not starring!!!!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I just wanted to thank you from the bottom if my heart for your thread on polamourous relationships. It made me realise that swinging is no longer for me and I have the desire to go down the poly route more. I hadn't realised just how much I had stopped enjoying swinging until your thread and then realised I was more happier in long term relationship's that I'd had on here. I shall be shutting down my profile by the end of the week but couldn't go without saying a massive thank you"

Obviously we wish you well if you do leave. But we just thought we'd say... why not stay and be part of a new type of swinging that couples like ourselves are trying to bring about... something less trashy and porn inspired... a return to more old fashioned erotic exploration that's open to hippy amorousness and community building. It'd be nice to see others out there trying to make a space for this and creating something of a subscene like bdsm and cuckolding currently are.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"After many many years swinging I've decided it's not for me. So I've decided to venture down the polyamourous route.

Are you in a poly relationship? How did you get there and what advice would you give a total newbie like me?

Thank you very much abd thank you for the lovely pm . I am so glad this thread has helped people, myself included.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

We're still on the fence about the whole polyamory aspect, this thread has certainly given us food for thought.

We've been swinging 12 years on and off and the increased trashiness of it is depressing. We think you have a point with the porn inspiration. Think the club scene has something to do with it as well. We've experimented with an open relationship so it might be something to re-examine.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *mmmMaybeCouple over a year ago

West Wales

We're still on the fence about the whole polyamory aspect, this thread has certainly given us food for thought.

We were starting to go down this road with a fem friend last year, she was already in what appeared an open relationship with both her & her boyfriend having other female partners with or without the other but with full disclosure.

She started off as just a friend & work colleague of H's but after a few months was round here a lot, collecting the kids from school when we were ill, doing "normal" stuff not just the sexy bits. Some weekends she would be here almost all the time as an extra member of the family..Then because her boyfriends other relationship ended he said he wanted her to himself, so off she went

It is something we would like to find again but as I said in my earlier post you don't tend to go out looking for it, it just happens over time with someone that usually starts out a friend. That has been our experience anyway.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My wife and I are both poly, and are quite involved in the UK poly scene as well as continuing to enjoy swinging clubs.

In addition to my wife of nearly 19 yesrs I also have a girlfriend of 7 years, she has a husband....you get the picture.

There are several books, websites and online groups which offer information, support and the chance to chat with other poly or poly-curious people. Feel free to PM me if you would like some links."

fantastic how open you are about this and admire your move to that lifestyle.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

One of best posts on here this

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

There is *lots* of this kind of thing going on, but not generally anywhere near swinging sites.

Although plenty of us have this kind of hippy openness *with* the mucky porn aspect too.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

All we'd like to say is if everyone who's more into seduction and romantic role play and building erotic friendships leaves Fab and the swinging scene for more polyamorous climes then the swinging scene will just be an unerotic husk really not worth bothering with unless you can't find a bad shag on a Friday night.

As we said before, we're not really truly into full on polyamory. But we do feel there's a place for a more amorous approach to swinging that borders on it without all the complexities of actually maintaining multiple serious relationships. I certainly think poly people should be welcomed into this scene and a space made for them.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"All we'd like to say is if everyone who's more into seduction and romantic role play and building erotic friendships leaves Fab and the swinging scene for more polyamorous climes then the swinging scene will just be an unerotic husk really not worth bothering with unless you can't find a bad shag on a Friday night.

You are suggesting that 'unromantic sex' is boring and not worth it. Plenty of us enjoy that *and* enjoy more involved partnerships.

I would not want the poly and swinging scene to cross *too* much. They aren't really the same thing and to mix the two on a website like this as a matter of course would get messy.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *lowercandyWoman over a year ago

Lancashire

"This has been fascinating to read, and I guess I've done my brand of poly since starring on the swinging scene. Apart from club visits, and the occasional one off, I've run my profile looking for FWBs, but always more than one at a time. And I've always been very fond of the friendships I've forged, but I guess have always held myself back from thinking about "love". Very interesting, thank you. Xx"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"You are suggesting that 'unromantic sex' is boring and not worth it. Plenty of us enjoy that *and* enjoy more involved partnerships.

I would not want the poly and swinging scene to cross *too* much. They aren't really the same thing and to mix the two on a website like this as a matter of course would get messy."

No I wasn't. I was suggesting sex that doesn't involve seduction, a connection of some sort, and that's open to amorous play like kissing etc is boring and not worth it... at least it isn't in our experience.

Why not welcome the poly scene in? We've already got a heady mix of swinging couples, bdsm and cuckold freaks, nsa singles, and singles looking for love. I'd say Fab is for pretty much anyone who wants to be here

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"You are suggesting that 'unromantic sex' is boring and not worth it. Plenty of us enjoy that *and* enjoy more involved partnerships.

I would not want the poly and swinging scene to cross *too* much. They aren't really the same thing and to mix the two on a website like this as a matter of course would get messy.

It is open for anyone, however it is most certainly focussed on casual sex.

Polyamory isn't generally particularly casual in nature, and I think the two would lead to some very mixed messages and mixed expectations.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why not welcome the poly scene in? I'd say Fab is for pretty much anyone who wants to be here

It is open for anyone, however it is most certainly focussed on casual sex.

Polyamory isn't generally particularly casual in nature, and I think the two would lead to some very mixed messages and mixed expectations."

This is both nonsense (polyamory is merely being affectionate with more than one person and that can be entirely casual) and polyphobic. Just because someone's open to being poly doesn't mean they're gonna try and drug you into marrying them. No more than a guy being gay means he's looking to bum rape anything that moves.

Being open to poly merely means you're more comfortable showing affection with others, making the effort to genuinely seduce people as if you were dating, and are happy to make friends with benefits. If that doesn't currently belong here then it should.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

While polyamory isn't about casual sex, there are quite a few poly people who also enjoy swinging/casual sex.

Think of non-monogamy as a Venn diagram with various circles overlapping...poly, kink, swinging etc.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"While polyamory isn't about casual sex, there are quite a few poly people who also enjoy swinging/casual sex.

Think of non-monogamy as a Venn diagram with various circles overlapping...poly, kink, swinging etc. "

Yes, this. And I'm not polyphobic if I'd prefer that casual sex sites focused on casual sex. I'd just rather that I wasn't second guessing if people are actively looking for relationships. At the moment poly people looking for more are very much in a minoritu so it's generally easy to pick them out.

Polyphobic. What a joke. I'm an activist working on the acceptance of poly lifestyles in the mainstream and have been out to everyone for years.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why not welcome the poly scene in? I'd say Fab is for pretty much anyone who wants to be here

It is open for anyone, however it is most certainly focussed on casual sex.

Polyamory isn't generally particularly casual in nature, and I think the two would lead to some very mixed messages and mixed expectations.

Fwiw I would suggest that actually you are not polyamorous because that technically means "multiple loves". You are much more like me - a relationship anarchist. Someone who has sex with their friends and is friendly with their sex partners. Who is open to affection and seduction, but isn't necessarily looking for polycules.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why does every one to be labeling things lol

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why does every one to be labeling things lol"

Because labels help you identify to other people who you are and what you are interested in. They are shorthand codes for other people that said shorthand codes.

Imagine if every time someone said 'what kind of music do you like?' if the response was 'why do you have to label everything?' it would take you hours to come to the conclusion that you both liked the same thing.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *evilishCouple69Couple over a year ago

Glasgow

"Why not welcome the poly scene in? I'd say Fab is for pretty much anyone who wants to be here

It is open for anyone, however it is most certainly focussed on casual sex.

Polyamory isn't generally particularly casual in nature, and I think the two would lead to some very mixed messages and mixed expectations.

I love that term "relationship anarchist". It's brilliant and a perfectly descriptive term.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *eliWoman over a year ago

I'll know it when I find it.

"Fwiw I would suggest that actually you are not polyamorous because that technically means "multiple loves". You are much more like me - a relationship anarchist. Someone who has sex with their friends and is friendly with their sex partners. Who is open to affection and seduction, but isn't necessarily looking for polycules."

I love that term. I'd not read or heard of it until now but it fits me well.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I don't want to bang on about this. But we just wanted to clear up that for us being poly-open is like being straight or bi. It simply means your happy for play to go places perhaps others aren't i.e to be quite amorous, seductive and friendly... and if poly comes along then you're open to it. It is not predatory or pushy or seeking to intervene in others relationships where it's not wanted. In some of the posts on this thread there's been the fearful assertion it is... and so doesn't belong here. As another poster pointed out, in most cases poly isn't something you actively seek out. It finds you. And having casual sexual relations can be a way for it to do that.

To play with a poly-open person is no different from playing with a straight or bi person. It merely lets you know they're more open to certain types of play than others. It's not something frightening. They're not going to get all bunny boiler on you as has been suggested. They just have a different approach and different limits.

With that off our chests we hope poly-open people stay on Fab and in the swinging scene and help chisel out a more amorous and hippy subscene in it

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ovely CummingsWoman over a year ago

Peaky Nipples

Have thought of myself as poly for a while, but after reading the The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy, i think I'm more of an anarchist

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm in poly relationships.

My advice: communicate more than you think you need to, and get a google calendar.

(Always happy to answer questions.)"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

Relationship anarchy is generally accepted as one of several ways to practice polyanory.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Relationship anarchy is generally accepted as one of several ways to practice polyanory."

It's generally considered outside of polyamory, because it rejects so much of what polyamory is. Some time ago, I had largely written the wikipedia page on the subject, although I think it's been updated by others since.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *litterbabeWoman over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

I might get the relationship Anarchy symbol tattooed on me, it describes me and my behaviour.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Relationship anarchy is generally accepted as one of several ways to practice polyanory.

How curious. I've only met a couple of people who've identified themselves as relationship anarchists and they both made remarks that they're indifferent as to whether they spend the night with someone or not. They seem somewhat indifferent to love and ties. Perhaps this is the difference you speak of with polyamory? The one is about ignoring the heart whilst the other is about broadening it? If so, I'd say we're in the latter camp. How would you describe the difference between the two?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

"Relationship anarchy is generally accepted as one of several ways to practice polyanory.

We shall agree to disagree.

In the poly circles I move in, RA is accepted as one of several relationship styles under the umbrella term "polyamory".

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Relationship anarchy is generally accepted as one of several ways to practice polyanory.

Polyamory is the seeking of love, romance, and relationships.

Relationship Anarchy is much more fluid than polyamory. It doesn't have to be about love or romance (although it can be) and it doesn't have to mean seeking relationships. It specifically doesn't prioritise romance over friendships, and allows for intimate encounters with friends.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Polyamory is the seeking of love, romance, and relationships.

I think this is the difference between us. Polyamory is not the seeking of anything. It's an openness (an open-heartedness) that means you're open to love, romance and relationships if they come along.

Relationship anarchy seems colder. It seems to be about keeping people at arms length a bit more, avoiding ties. Having a single tier of friends and friends with benefits but letting no one become particularly special to you.

I think the combination of our two posts here should give people a good idea of how the two sides see themselves and the other side.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Actually relationship anarchy is about customising your relationships and working out how things work best *for you*.

So for instance, my long term partner who I don't live with, my nesting partner, and my best friend are all *equally* as important to me. My nesting partner isn't more important than my best friend. My best friend isn't more important as my long term partner. They are all special to me, they are all important. They are all, effectively, my 'next of kin'.

Too often relationships push friendships down the hierarchy. Relationship anarchy makes space for more people to be important. Quite the opposite to 'keeping them at arms length'.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why does every one to be labeling things lol"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I don't want to bang on about this. But we just wanted to clear up that for us being poly-open is like being straight or bi. It simply means your happy for play to go places perhaps others aren't i.e to be quite amorous, seductive and friendly... and if poly comes along then you're open to it. It is not predatory or pushy or seeking to intervene in others relationships where it's not wanted. In some of the posts on this thread there's been the fearful assertion it is... and so doesn't belong here. As another poster pointed out, in most cases poly isn't something you actively seek out. It finds you. And having casual sexual relations can be a way for it to do that.

With that off our chests we hope poly-open people stay on Fab and in the swinging scene and help chisel out a more amorous and hippy subscene in it

Love this

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *litterbabeWoman over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

[Removed by poster at 16/12/16 15:04:45]

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *litterbabeWoman over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

For me it just means that I can have consensual honest and open relationships in different directions, ranging from being emotionally or casually bonded, for a period of time, to not at all as meaningful, and can manage them effectively, with respect and emotions appropriate for the individuals and situations.

That to me can mean from a lifetime live together mutual understanding, to a night literally enjoying just the physical enjoyment of that specific person and moment.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ast_jjMan over a year ago

Dublin and London

This really is a fascinating subject. I am in awe of the couples that manage to carry this type of relationship off.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This really is a fascinating subject. I am in awe of the couples that manage to carry this type of relationship off.

It's really no harder than monogamy. In fact, I find it far, far, far easier. (Although I'm not a couple. Just a person with multiple partners.)

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *litterbabeWoman over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

In my view it also puts a lot less stress on all your relationshipsupport, you are not expecting to get everything you need from/with one person.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"In my view it also puts a lot less stress on all your relationshipsupport, you are not expecting to get everything you need from/with one person."

Yes. That's crucial for me and my network of friends and partners.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This really is a fascinating subject. I am in awe of the couples that manage to carry this type of relationship off.

It's really no harder than monogamy. In fact, I find it far, far, far easier. (Although I'm not a couple. Just a person with multiple partners.)"

I would find it much harder because of the time limitations. We already have (through choice) a busy life with each other, our children and grandchildren, work, football, music and general everyday life. I simply wouldnt have time to spend making someone else other than my husband feel special etc. Or even have the time to actually meet ! We only just have time for our swinging meets and trips to various clubs as it is. It is our choice to run our life as we do though and as the poly lifestyle doesnt appeal to us anyway then i supose its inevitable that we cant see where we would find the time.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

"In my view it also puts a lot less stress on all your relationshipsupport, you are not expecting to get everything you need from/with one person."

I've never felt that I could be everything to one person, nor that one person could be everything to me. I guess that works for some people, and more power to them, but it's certainly not me.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I simply wouldnt have time to spend making someone else other than my husband feel special etc.. "

That's kind of it really. I don't have to try and make anyone feel special. There's no need to make someone the centre of your world.

I know my partners and friends like me because they choose to spent time with me when they can (some people I see every month, some people every six months. They're still special.) And they know I like them because I do the same.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rightonsteveMan over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

Poly

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rightonsteveMan over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

Filla

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I simply wouldnt have time to spend making someone else other than my husband feel special etc..

That's kind of it really. I don't have to try and make anyone feel special. There's no need to make someone the centre of your world.

I didnt mean it in that way ... making them the centre of my world ... i meant making them feel more than just a casual shag.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)